Sex, Love & Relationships - QR 5

Sex, Love & Relationships - Islamic Perspective

Opening

I begin by greeting my brothers and sisters saying, As-Salaamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhum.

Introduction

December 1st was a day that was designated to bring awareness about AIDS in the world. And I remember as I was watching that day, and I was looking into some of the statistics that were going on.

Just to share some of them with you. 7,000 Africans die every single day because of AIDS. 14,000 people are infected with AIDS or HIV every single day.

There are some communities, some places in Africa and some places in Asia, where it is expected by the year 2025, 25% of their people are going to be infected either with AIDS or with HIV. Now these are very scary statistics. So I was pondering about this.

I was listening into what kind of assessment or what kind of preventative measures or what kind of policies do people out there offer to combat this disease. And most of it had to do with the usages of condoms. It had to do with being in monogamous relationships.

It has to do with people regularly getting check-ups. Now initially these may not be bad ideas, but they are not eliminating the problem. And as a result, like to share with my brothers and sisters out there, the Islamic concept of how do we view sex, how do we view love, and what are considered to be good relationships.

The Concept of Love

Very quickly, we will spend most of the time talking about the Islamic concept or the Islamic views on sex, but let's just very quickly use relationships and love. Because there is a notion out there that when people are in love, they get into a relationship, and the way they express their love with one another is through sex. In principle, there is nothing wrong with this statement.

But we really want to analyze what is love, and then very quickly what is a relationship. The term love is one of these most beautiful creations of Allah. It's one of the most beautiful emotions that Allah has created in us.

Not only that, but these are also attributes that our beloved God has given to Himself. And one of the names of Allah is Al-Wadud, the one who is full of love. Interestingly, the Quran talks about love, and from it, what is implied is that the love of God is very conditional.

Now, we understand that in some other beliefs, some denominations of Christianity, the love of God is unconditional. Islam says that part of the justice of God is that love has got to be very, very conditional. The love of God is at the disposal of everybody out there.

However, you would have to earn the love of God. Why do we say this? Because if love is not an option, then it's not genuine. If love is not an option, then it is not genuine.

Imagine a husband talking to his wife, or a wife talking to her husband, where they are exchanging words of love. And one expresses love to the other. The husband tells the wife, I love you so much.

And she asks why, and he said, she asks why do you love me? And to her shock, the answer comes, because I love everybody out there. There is no feeling of possession, there is no feeling of inclination. It's very unconditional.

I love you because you are one of many. You did not do anything to earn my love, and since my love is unconditional, I just love every Jew and Muslim that is out there. So the Quran says that it is at the disposal of everybody.

However, you would have to earn, through your merits, you would have to earn the love of God. Islam does not define love as feelings, even though many people define love as feelings. So what is love? It's when I see that person, my heart skips a beat.

So what is love? When I see them, I can feel the blood running in my nerves. So what is love? When I see them, I feel it in my bones. When I see them, I get a knot in my stomach.

So what they are talking about is that these are feelings that we get, and they are illustrating themselves in a physical mode. Now that is part of love. What the Quran does though, is that it speaks of love not only as feelings, but it also speaks of love as commitment.

That is one very, very important component of love, which people are very heedless about. People think that because they express, because they utter, because they share words of love with other people, they think that they are in love with them. And we are not going to argue that.

Yes, they are in love with them. However, love does not end and begin just by me expressing how I feel about the other individual. That makes love very shallow.

It makes it very trivial. It makes it just a claim. So the Quran says that part of love, it is the feelings as well as the commitments.

If you say that you love me, then show me. Yes, tell me, but in the process also, you've got to show me. And that showing is called the commitment, the commitment part.

Quranic Reference

Say, if you truly love Allah, then follow me, Muhammad, peace be upon him. And that will be an indication that your love is real. It is genuine. It is not a claim.

Also, we are told in the Quran that people respond differently to the commands of Allah. Some are going to respond positively. Some turns their back away and what have you. So the Quran says, if you people turn away your back to my commands, what is going to happen? Allah is going to replace us with people. What are the characteristics of these people?

Their character is that it is so good that God loves them and they love God back.

Now what's interesting here also is that it did not say that they love God and God loves them. It says that God loves them and they love God. They have a saying in the English language that to love is nothing. To be loved is something. To love and to be loved is everything. And that's what we ought to be yearning for especially with our relationship with our Creator Almighty Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.

And that is why some of the commentators of the Quran when they came to this verse they said, it is not a big deal to love. A bigger deal is to be loved by those whom you love. And many times, sometimes we get ourselves in a relationship where we feel so very positively about the other individual and that individual does not share these feelings with us or our feelings are not reciprocated.

Even though love is very beautiful at that point, it may potentially be a source for misery. So the Quran does acknowledge the concept of love, speaks very highly of it. It is part of an incentive that motivates people.

The Concept of Relationships

And then there is the concept of a relationship. And what happens is that again people have a concept that I believe is erroneous when it comes to a relationship because two people like each other, they think that they have formulated a relationship. That is again, it makes the whole concept of relationships very shallow and it makes it very trivial and it makes it very childish.

So people mix connections and relationship. A connection is a short-term agreement that is based on two people having agreed upon misusing and using each other's bodies. That's really what it is.

It's a short-term agreement. He knows it. She knows it.

We're going to get together simply on the basis that we are physically attracted to one another where the point is that we mutually agreed, we've consented to it, we've agreed to it that you use my body and I use your body and we will call this temporary connection, we are going to call it a relationship. Now, the fact that we gave it a name and we called it a relationship, that does not really make it a relationship. The reality is that this is a temporary connection.

They know it, meaning he or she, they both know it and they've agreed to it even though it may have never been verbalized. His door is open no matter who you are. Moving on to what is considered a relationship.

Well, a relationship is a long-term agreement when people get together and they have three things in mind that are mutual, that I care for your happiness, I care for your well-being, and I care for your growth and development. At that point, we can call this a relationship. And what better way to express it but in marriage? We call it a long-term relationship.

Marriages are built or are initiated initially to last. Even we see this in different faith, customs and traditions and practices. Until death do us apart, they would say when people are exchanging their vows.

Now, it's not a permanent position that we have to be in because sometimes people do need to get out of these relationships for a reason or another. But at least the initial intent is that this is not a temporary connection. This is a long-term relationship.

If things work out, then we are going to be into it. However, we have got three things in mind. Happiness.

See, subhanAllah, they say that a good marriage or a marriage is not a happy marriage because people had a great wedding night. People spend so much money on their wedding nights. You know, if they can afford it, they've got their guests coming over and what have you.

But it does not guarantee a happy marriage. A happy marriage is not about a great wedding night. It is not about the wedding license.

A happy marriage is not about two people getting married to be happy. A happy marriage is when two people get married to make each other happy.

The Islamic Concept of Sex

Moving on now to the concept of sex.

Remember what we said that these are genuine feelings are now being facilitated into a relationship and part of the expression of it would be through the sports. The images that we are fed with are always sexual images. I remember, for example, when the United States Women's Soccer Team won the soccer, I believe it was back in 2001.

They won the World Cup. And what happened is that people thought that that's it. Women's soccer is going to boost now in the United States because they have won the World Cup.

So they went to the advertisers and they said, can you sponsor our events so that we can be on TV? And here's what they were told by Miller Lite, by Budweiser. These are all like just beer companies there. GM, General Motors, GE, General Electric, Adidas, Nike, Reebok.

They went and they said to these advertisers, please sponsor these events. And the response was, if you want us to sponsor your events, you must sexualize your events. You have got to sexualize the sport.

So now the shorts would have to be shorter. The skirts would have to be tighter. Maybe we cancel the whole concept of a jersey and just replace it with a bra.

But the point is, it has nothing to do with your skills. It has nothing to do with your talent. It has nothing to do with the fact that you can play the game or you cannot.

But now it has to do with whether the game is sexually appealing or not. And that is very, very, very sad. But it's not only in sports.

You see it all over the place, unfortunately. And that is not only the sad part about sex, but reducing sex to just a mean of exploiting and tempting other people to make more consumers of them in itself, that is wicked, it's a disgrace, and it's very, very despicable. Along with these sexual images, we're not only just given sexual images, but we're given ideas.

We're given ideology. We're given different thoughts, especially about women. Many times women, especially when women are used in sexual connotations, the point is that it is not their skills, it is not their talent, it's not their achievement, but rather how appealing sexually they are.

Again, you look into this, into movies, into music, and into what have you. So inshallah, in the time that we have, what does Islam say about sex?

Very quickly, in concept, Islam does not regard sex as being something that is filthy or something that is dirty. Again, for some reason, erroneous reason, people think that the more religious you are, you have to deprive yourself of your personal passion, especially your sexual passion.

In fact, that's been the case in some religious beliefs and some religious denominations. In order to show your commitment to God, you've got to deprive yourself. And the Quran speaks that these terms are not the acceptable terms to Allah.

Hadith on Balanced Lifestyle

It was said that one time, three group of people, they came into the messengers of Allah. And as they're sitting there, they're talking about how can they commit themselves to God. So one of them said, I'm going to pray all night long, I'm going to deprive myself from sleep.

The other person said, I'm going to fast every single day, going to deprive myself from eating. And then the other person said, that's it, I will never be with any woman, I'm going to deprive myself from any sexual intimacy, any sexual pleasure, and I'm going to deprive myself from women, so that, or deprive myself of women, because I want to commit myself to the Lord. And you have got the Prophet, peace be upon him, and he was very angry.

Because of the erroneous notion that these people were preaching and believing. And in it, he said, I am the messenger of God, I sleep and I pray at night, I fast and I break my fast, and I also marry women as well. And by no means, that reduces my relationship or my commitment to our Creator, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.

(Reference: Sahih al-Bukhari)

Hadith on Sexual Relations as Charity

Not only that, but Islam has elevated the concept of sex from just being a physical act into an act that can potentially be an act of charity. In the Hadith it was said, a group of companions came to the Prophet, peace be upon him. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said,

So that when you satisfy your sexual passion, you get rewarded for it as a means of charity.

Now people were astonished by this statement. They said, by Allah, one of us would actually satisfy his or her own sexual passion and get rewarded for it. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, If that person were to do it with someone that was unlawful to them, it would have been recorded against them as a bad deed.

But now that they are doing it in a proper manner that God has approved of, they get charity for this. So Islam does not say, suppress these feelings. Islam says rather, put them in the proper channel.

Direct them in the way that God has said for them to be directed. And at that point, you may enjoy it and also you can get rewarded for it.

(Reference: Sahih Muslim)

Prophetic Guidance on Intimate Relations

The Prophet, peace be upon him, would be asked questions that dealt with this subject.

A woman, as recorded in Bukhari, a woman came to him and she said, Prophet of Allah, my husband is impotent. You've got another young man who came to the Prophet, peace be upon him, in a gathering, he said, Prophet of Allah, I've got this urge, or as we would say nowadays, my hormones are going crazy. Can you please give me permission to fornicate and just go out there and be with a woman? And the people were very mad, but the Prophet, peace be upon him, understood.

where that young man was coming from. It was also said that one time a group of young companions of the Prophet, peace be upon him, they were sitting in the Masjid and they were talking about things that usually boys around 14, 15, and 16 years of age would be talking about. We'll be talking about the opposite sex.

And at that point, the Prophet, peace be upon him, walks in and he looks into their eyes and he knows what they're talking about. What does he say? Oh, you've got to stop talking about this or that was immoral or not correct. He said, oh, young men, if you are able to get married, then get married.

Which is also, again, unbelievable. You have the Messenger of God here is encouraging people that if you've got these feelings, do not deny them. He said rather enjoy them and put them in the proper channel.

Not only that, but the Prophet, peace be upon him, would speak of things that we ought to do as we are about to get engaged in such an intimate relationship. The Prophet, peace be upon him, would say that let not any of you and he was addressing men. He said that do not be like like beast.

So they said Prophet of Allah, how does a man become like a beast? He said he beats his wife during the day and then expects to sleep with her at night. Only a beast would behave in such a manner. He would also say do not be like a beast where he would just come and expects to have an intercourse right away with your wife rather send messengers before that.

And they said Prophet of Allah, what are these messengers? And the Prophet, peace be upon him, would say these are words of love that precedes the intercourse or the sexual or the sexual act. But also the Prophet, peace be upon him, will speak about this subject. And he would say that what makes a man a fool three things would make a man a fool and he would mention two of them.

And then he would say the third of them is that a man who has an intimate relationship with his wife where he satisfied his own sexual passion but does not care whether his wife has achieved the same or she has not. At that point Islam says not only encourages the act itself or the fact that Islam does not

treat it as something that is filthy or not clean but Islam also says that when you are engaged in it then there are certain things that you ought to do. For example, the Prophet, peace be upon him, said when a man approaches his wife you should pray to Allah.

That is so, again, that is so beautiful. You are not only elevating yourself at a sexual experience but also the Prophet, peace be upon him, is saying make a spiritual experience out of the sexual act that you are involved in. Also the scholars of Islam have written about this subject extensively.

(Reference: Various Sahih Hadith collections)

Islam's Balanced Approach

So when Islam speaks of this subject of sex, it does not treat it as lust and that is the difference. The idea is not to arouse people but rather to educate people. The idea is not to tempt people but rather to educate them so that they put these feelings in the proper channels.

See brothers and sisters, whether we like it or we do not, whether we agree with it or we do not, sex is part of human nature and as a result because it is part of human nature the same way that we are eager to eat and we are eager to drink, there is this urge in us that we also need to love and to be loved. We need to get involved in these relationships and some people are going to exploit and to further tempt us in the process. Now what happens is that we can complain about it, however what is most important is that we bring a better alternative.

Anne Burnett, an English author, she spoke about this subject and she said of all the people that spoke about sex, the person that spoke about it openly and honestly was the Prophet of Islam, Muhammad, may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him. Why is that? Because he really treated it for what it is, it is a human nature, it is part of the urge that humans have but at the same time he did not deny but he taught people to put it in the proper channel. So what happens is that we need to create that alternative and Islam is not against it.

Islam is against the practices where sex is commercialized, where women are dehumanized in the process of making sexual images out of them, in the process where they are used not because of their talent or skills or their achievements or any of that, they are reduced into sexual objects where I would get a brand name without really knowing who that woman is. Sometimes it is so sad that you don't even get to see the face of the woman. If it is a commercial about shoes then you only see legs, if it is a commercial about anything where women are being dissected into different parts as if we are saying it is not you that we are interested in but it is just only that part of you that we are interested in.

Conclusion

Now this topic, with it we can go on and on but I thought that I would provoke some of my brothers and sisters to further look into this topic and see what is it that we can achieve as a community in the

formation of alternatives or educational programs looking into the beauty of this, of the teachings of our beloved Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam.

With this we come to an end and we say Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.

End of Khutbah