Love & Marriage Selecting Your Life Partner - Corrected Khutba
By Yasmin Mogahed | 2026-01-10T03:26:29.302049+00:00 | Topic: Marriage
Love & Marriage: Selecting Your Life Partner
Etiquette in Islam - By: Yasmin Mogahed
Opening
I seek refuge with Allah from Satan, the accursed. In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful. Peace and blessings be upon the Messenger of Allah and his family and companions.
All praise is due to Allah, we praise Him and seek His help and forgiveness. We seek refuge with Allah from the evil of our souls and the wickedness of our deeds. Whomsoever He guides, none can misguide him, and whosoever He declares misled, none can guide him. And I bear witness that there is no god but Allah alone, without partner, and that Muhammad is His servant and Messenger.
My Lord, expand for me my breast and ease for me my task. (Quran 20:25-26)
Introduction: Love in February
So it's February, which means that love is in the air. Or at least that's what flower shops and chocolate shops want you to believe.
I want to talk about what is love, what is not love, and inshallah, what should we be seeking when we do seek a spouse or a life partner, inshallah.
What is NOT Love
I want to begin actually by talking about what is not love. Unfortunately, a lot of what we see in the media, what we see in movies, what we see, what we read in books, is actually something other than love.
There's a statement by one of the philosophers that says that love is a serious mental illness. Now, the question I want to ask you is this: is love really a serious mental illness? Well, I want to argue that love is not supposed to be a serious mental illness. That if love is looking like a mental illness, then it's something else.
Love vs. Addiction
Love is not supposed to make us like drug addicts. So if what we love has made us unable to function, has made us completely debilitated, has taken over basically our sanity, and we're willing to sacrifice anything for it, then we should know that it's not love, but it's more like an addiction. It's more like slavery.
The Concept of Hawa (Desires)
There is a concept that we're told about in the Quran called (هَوَى - hawā). And hawā is usually often translated to be desires or lower desires. But hawā is in general any inclination that I have internally, either emotional, intellectual, whatever.
But the problem is this: that a lot of what we see in the media and in stories, and it's called love, is actually not love as Allah has described love. But it's actually hawā. It's actually nafsani - it's from the nafs.
Taking Desires as Gods
What happens is that the heart begins to sort of worship something else, or something else becomes competing with the love of Allah. Allah describes people - there's a group of people who Allah describes that they take their hawā as their god.
Have you seen the one who takes as his god his own desire? (Quran 25:43)
So what that means is that anything their desires tell them to do, they obey. So this is a person who, regardless of morality, regardless of right or wrong, they will do anything that their desires command them to do. And even if that means doing what is displeasing to Allah.
Understanding Ilah (Deity)
And so that's why it's described as a form of worship. Allah says that they take their hawā as an ilah. And you know an ilah is something - when we become Muslim and we say, and as a Muslim we say many times a day, every time we pray, we say:
There is no ilah except for Allah.
What is an ilah? An ilah is something that you worship. An ilah is something that you obey. An ilah is like a deity. It's something that basically your entire existence revolves around. Now there are people who make their desires into that.
Cultural Commands to Obey Desires
These are the people who, whatever their desires command, they obey. And this is actually the culture that we live in. It actually commands you to obey and to worship your hawā, to worship your desires.
You know what's right? "Obey your thirst." Right? The idea here, and actually this is something which is just one of the ways in which advertisers want to make you buy things. And the idea here is, whatever lower urge you have, just obey it.
Just submit to it. And so the idea here is that sin becomes something unified. Right? So something is "sinfully good." You really shouldn't be able to put sin and good in the same sentence. But the idea is that something is actually more pleasurable if it's sinful. This is a culture that tells you to worship your desires.
The Warning from Allah About Misplaced Love
Now Allah warns us even when something is halal. So in one of the ayats where Allah speaks about love, He says, and this is chapter 9, verse 24:
Say: If your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your wives, your relatives, wealth which you have obtained, commerce wherein you fear decline, and dwellings with which you are pleased are more beloved to you than Allah and His Messenger and jihad in His cause, then wait until Allah executes His command. And Allah does not guide the defiantly disobedient people. (Quran 9:24)
What does this ayah tell us? This ayah is something you need to pay attention to because every single thing that's listed in this ayah is actually halal.
The Test of True Love
Your fathers are halal to love. Your sons are halal to love. Your brothers are halal to love. Your spouses are halal to love. Your relatives, your wealth, your commerce, and your house, your dwelling - all of these things are halal to love.
But the warning here is that if any of these things you love more than Allah and His Messenger and striving in His cause, then that is the problem. And what happens as a result of that is a torment in this life before the next.
Practical Examples of Misplaced Love
Would anyone in this room, or anyone who's Muslim, say that they love their spouse more than Allah? Probably nobody, hopefully, would admit that. Nobody would say, "I love my spouse, or I love my father, or I love my whatever, my nice car, more than Allah." And yet what happens is with our actions, that's exactly what we say, or what we're doing.
Because what happens when I'm faced with a decision, or I'm faced with a choice, and I have to choose between what is pleasing to my spouse, what is pleasing to my father, what is pleasing to my brother, and what is pleasing to Allah. And what I end up choosing is what I love most. The one who I want to please is the one I love most.
Example: Before Marriage
One example is before marriage. Now, I might be in love with someone, right, before marriage. And again, we talked about is that love or is that something else? But whatever feeling I have for somebody outside of marriage, and Allah, it's displeasing to Him for me to have a relationship with that person outside of marriage. But because I have such an attachment to that person, I end up choosing pleasing that person, or I end up choosing being with that person over the pleasure of Allah. So in that way, I'm basically showing what I love more.
Example: Hijab Pressure
Another example: sometimes there'll be sisters who, they might have a spouse or a family member who wants them not to wear hijab, or wants them to take off their hijab, or puts pressure on them to not put it on at all. And that sister is now faced with a decision, with a choice.
And this is where, even if it's your parents, Allah says that we obey our parents, right? That's the rule. Except when they're telling us to do something which is displeasing to Allah. But when a girl, sometimes I've seen where sisters are pressured into taking off their hijab or not wearing hijab, because otherwise they won't be able to get married.
And unfortunately, what's happening in that scenario is we're putting the love of a person, the love of getting married, above the love of Allah.
Marriage as a Means, Not an End
I think one of the problems is that we have taken marriage as if it's the purpose of life. As if it's the end. As if it's - you know, I'm living this life and then the story ends where? In the fairytale, where does the story end? It ends with Prince Charming, right, coming and saving the helpless girl.
That's usually where it ends. Or if it's a romantic comedy, it ends at maybe the end of the wedding. You never really see what happens after the wedding, right? But the idea here is that the whole point of my life, the whole point of the story is to end at the wedding.
And then after that is happily ever after, right? Well this is completely wrong. Because the marriage itself is actually just a vehicle to take you to your end. And what's your end? What's our end? What's hopefully our end? Our end, we hope, is Allah.
We hope that everything that we do is bringing us nearer to Him. And marriage is one of those vehicles.
Allah's Description of Love in Marriage
When Allah talks about love, how does He describe it? When Allah talks about love, He says in Surah Ar-Rum:
And among His signs is this, that He created for you from among yourself, spouses that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts. Indeed in that are signs for those who reflect. (Quran 30:21)
Has anyone ever gotten a wedding invitation before? A Muslim wedding invitation? If you've read a Muslim wedding invitation, you've probably read this ayah. Because it's pretty much on every wedding invitation.
Marriage as a Sign of Allah
And from among His signs is this. That He created for you, from among yourself, spouses or mates, in order that you may dwell in tranquility with them - لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا
Now, let's just stop and reflect on this for a second. There's a couple things I want to point out. One, it begins by saying, "from among His signs." What's the purpose of a sign? What does a sign do? It reminds you of something. It warns you. It guides you, right? A sign is a pointer. A sign is a pointer to something. It guides you.
So now, Allah is saying that the relationship between a man and a wife, between the husband and the wife, between the spouses, is a sign of Allah. What does that mean? It means that it's a means. It's a tool. Of what? What is it a sign of? Who is it a sign of? It's a sign of Allah.
So let me ask you this. If that relationship is actually taking me away from Allah, is it the correct type? Is it fulfilling its purpose as a sign of Allah? If it's actually acting as a barrier between me and Allah, then is it fulfilling its purpose? Allah says, it's a sign of Allah. It's intended to actually bring me closer to Allah, not farther away.
And so that's one of the best ways to know if this relationship, if this love is good for me or bad for me, is ask yourself this question: Does it bring me closer to Allah or does it bring me farther from Allah? Does it bring me closer to Allah or does it bring me away from Him? Because the true love as Allah intended it, is actually supposed to bring you closer to Allah. It's supposed to be a sign.
Tranquility vs. Craziness
The second point I want to mention is the part that says لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا - that you may dwell in tranquility together.
Now remember when I described the type of love as it's shown in, you know, Romeo and Juliet and all the kinds of stories that we see about crazy love? Does that look like tranquility? Do you think Romeo and Juliet were just tranquil? Do you guys hear what I'm saying? What does that look like? That looks like craziness, right? That looks more like a drug addiction.
Understanding Unhealthy Attachments
Don't think for a moment that people only get addicted to drugs. People also get addicted to other people. We can actually be in very unhealthy relationships where it's more like an addiction. And it has all the same characteristics.
What happens when you don't and you can't have a drug for a while? You go through what symptoms? Withdrawal symptoms.
Have you ever seen anyone who hasn't had their fix of another person? It's like total withdrawal symptoms, right? They can't function. They can't think about anything else. They can't talk about anything else. They're completely miserable. They can't eat. They can't sleep.
This is what happens to a person who's addicted to another person. It's an unhealthy attachment. And so when you don't have it for a while, it's kind of like you need that fix.
The Biology of Love Addiction
And even when you study the biology of being in love, like what it does to the brain is very similar to what drugs do to the brain, like even chemically. It's a fix. It's a high. And so you get addicted to that high. And when you can't have it and you can't be around that person, or say you can't be with that person, what happens? Well, you get withdrawal symptoms.
Signs of Unhealthy Attachment
How can you tell when you have this unhealthy attachment? So that's the question. How can you tell the difference between what is really the way Allah intended it and what is this unhealthy addiction?
First Test: Does it bring you closer to Allah?
The first way that you can tell is what I just spoke about. And that is, ask yourself, does this relationship, does being closer to this person, does being with this person bring me closer to Allah or bring me farther from Allah?
Second Test: What occupies your thoughts?
The second question you should ask yourself is this. What do you think about all day? What's the first thing you think about when you wake up in the morning? What's the last thing you think about before
you sleep? What keeps you up at night? What makes you most happy? What makes you most sad? What makes you most angry?
If the answer to all these questions is that other person, then those are indications that you have an unhealthy attachment.
If when you say (ٱللَّهُ أَكْبَرُ - Allahu Akbar) to pray, and all you can think about is that other person, people can relate to what I'm saying. If when you say (ٱللَّهُ أَكْبَرُ - Allahu Akbar) and all you can think about is that other person, that's a problem. You have to know that that's an indication of a problem.
Again, even when that person is your husband, even when that person is your wife, it shouldn't be the case that the first thing you think about is that, the last thing you think about is that, you think about them all day, you think about them when you say (ٱللَّهُ أَكْبَرُ - Allahu Akbar).
The Proper Focus
When we're told that the first thing we should think about when we wake up is that there is no ilah, there is nothing worthy of our worship except for Allah. The last thing we should be thinking about before we sleep is Allah.
The last thing we should think about before we sleep is - what this means is du'a is actually, we're taught that this is the du'a we're supposed to say right before we sleep. And it should be the last thing we say before we sleep. And if you look at the meaning of this du'a, it's very powerful.
You begin by saying, I have submitted my entire self to you, not to another person. To you. And I have set my face towards you. To you. Not towards another person. You've given up and you've given all your affairs to Allah.
And you go to Allah and Allah has, is your support. Allah has your back. So you are basically making this du'a that everything is towards Him. And that's the last thing you say before you sleep.
The Meaning of Allahu Akbar
When you say (ٱللَّهُ أَكْبَرُ - Allahu Akbar), and you start to pray, what are you saying? You're not just saying God is great. You're not just saying God is the great. What you're saying, God is greater. God is greater. And you don't finish. Greater than what? Everything. God is greater than everything. This is what you're saying when you say (ٱللَّهُ أَكْبَرُ - Allahu Akbar).
And every movement that you make in Salah, you're reminding yourself that God is greater. God is greater than whatever it is you're thinking about. God is greater than whatever plans you have after Salah that you're thinking about. God is greater than whatever subject you were studying right before Salah. That you're still thinking about. Right?
The whole concept of God is greater is that there's nothing else greater than Him. There's nothing else you should be thinking about.
Two Types of Love
Now, I would say that there's sort of like two types, at least two types of love.
Love Based on What You Get
There's the type of love which is you love a person because of what they give you. You love a person because of the way they make you feel. You basically love not the person themselves, but you love what they give to you. Again, this is kind of like that fix, that high that they give you.
And in that type of love, it's not about what you're getting from that person, but it's about what you're doing. Now, the majority of love, I think, falls in the first category where when you say "I love you," you really mean "I love me." Because what you're really saying is "I love what you give to me. I love how you make me feel." The person is kind of irrelevant. It's just, it's kind of all about me.
And the problem with that type of love, well, it's selfish, right? But also, it's very unstable. The reason it's unstable is because what you give to me is never going to be constant. Neither can you give constantly, nor the way I accept it is constant. So this type of love is very sort of temporary, and it's going to go up and down, and it's likely to fade away.
Because, again, if it's about the high, you're running after a high, you're running after what can you give me, and that's unstable. So that type of love tends to be also unstable. And you hear a lot about people who say they fell out of love, right? What's that about? Well, what they were holding on to was something that by definition is fleeting. Remember, if you're holding on to that high, that high is fleeting.
That fix is fleeting, that, you know, the butterflies in the stomach, that feeling, it's by definition temporary. So what happens after that goes away? Well, if there's no solid foundation, the relationship goes away.
Love for the Sake of Allah
But what is that solid foundation? This is where we bring in the concept of the love in Allah, for the sake of Allah.
If the thing that you're holding on to, the thing that you have in common, the reason why you love, and the source of your love is Allah, is God, then that's not unstable, and that's not fleeting, and that's not inconstant. Allah is not unstable, Allah is not fleeting, Allah is not inconstant. So if that's your source, you don't run out.
You don't run out of love if Allah is your source. If you love someone for the sake of Allah, that means that, for example, I love you because you remind me of Allah. Or I love you because you bring me closer
to Allah. Or I love you because Allah told me to love you. Allah has told us to be kind and loving to our families. So we love our families for the sake of Allah.
Or we may. Allah has told us to love and take care of our children. That also can be love for the sake of Allah.
The Reward System
And if it's like that, you know what happens? Everything you give to that person, you aren't giving for the sake of what you're getting back from them. Because where do you get your payment when you give for the sake of Allah? Where do you get your payment? Well, from who? From Allah.
A lot of times, for example, in marriage, one spouse feels unappreciated. Well, this happens a lot. You're giving and the other person is not appreciating. The other person is not saying thank you. The other person isn't even acknowledging what you're doing. Well, this becomes very, very... I mean, this is something we shouldn't do. We should always be appreciative.
But suppose that it does happen sometimes that someone is not appreciative. Now, if you're doing it for the sake of their appreciation, you're going to be heartbroken every single time. And you're going to get to a point where you're like, "forget it, I'm not going to do it anymore."
Right? But if you're giving for the sake of Allah, because Allah has commanded you to do and treat this person in a certain way, now, you're getting your payment, your reward from Allah. Now, does it matter so much the times when they don't say thank you? Does it matter as much if they don't acknowledge?
At this point, it's (كَفَىٰ بِٱللَّهِ شَهِيدًا - kafā billāhi shahīdan) - that Allah suffices as a witness. When you're doing something for someone and they don't acknowledge it, and they don't thank you, and nobody appreciates what you're doing... I mean, in your case, maybe you're doing something for the community, you're doing something for your family, whatever it is, and nobody's appreciating it. Nobody even acknowledges or knows that you did it. Has it gone to waste? Is it in vain? Not if you did it for the sake of Allah.
So, the love for the sake of Allah, you never lose. Even if that person is not appreciating, even if that person doesn't say thank you, you still always get your reward. Your reward is saved. Allah says (فَٱسْتَبِقُوا۟ ٱلْخَيْرَٰتِ - fastabiq al-khayrāt) - compete in good deeds. (Quran 2:148(
A Beautiful Quote on Tawhid and Love
Now, I want to, inshallah, leave time for questions, because inshallah, I want it to be interactive, a discussion, inshallah. I want to actually share a quote with you. It's a beautiful quote of Ibn Taymiyyah. Actually, it was said by Ibn Taymiyyah and it was quoted by Ibn Qayyim in Madārij, I believe.
And the quote says, this is the translation: "The perfection of tawhid is found when there remains nothing in the heart except Allah. The servant is left loving those he loves and what he loves, hating those he hates and what he hates, showing allegiance to those he has allegiance to, showing enmity to those he shows enmity towards, ordering what he orders and prohibiting what he prohibits."
Now, what is this quote talking about? If, again, what's still in your heart is the love of Allah, then what comes out of that is that you begin to love everything that Allah loves. And you begin to hate everything that Allah does not love. That means that you're not going to want something which is displeasing to Allah.
A Powerful Exercise
Think for a moment right now about the person on this earth that you love most. Just bring that person to mind for a second. Now, think about what it would feel like if that person were so angry with you that they didn't want to speak to you, or wanted to have nothing to do with you.
It's a frightening feeling, right? Displeasing that person causes a lot of anxiety, a lot of pain in us. Now, the question we have to ask ourselves is do we feel that same way when we displease Allah? When we do something which is displeasing to Him, do we feel that same pain?
If we really love Allah, naturally, naturally, you didn't have to force yourself to feel that way with the one you love. Naturally, when you love someone, you want to make them pleased. You want to do what they love. And you're terrified of displeasing them. That's the scariest thing to you.
The Ultimate Reward and Punishment
Now, in short, I want to end with this concept. You know when we talk about Jannah, we talk about Jahannam, right? In the Quran, it describes Jannah, it describes Jahannam. And when Jannah is described, we talk about rivers, we talk about palaces, there's so much beautiful description of Jannah.
And Jahannam is very frightening, the way that Jahannam is described, hellfire. But you know what the best part of Jannah is and the worst part of Jahannam is?
The best part of Jannah is that the believers in paradise are given the opportunity to actually see Allah with their physical eyes. Allah will remove the hijab, the veil, and they will actually be able to see Him. And that's actually the greatest reward of paradise, is to see God.
And you know what the worst punishment of hellfire is? They will never see God. They will actually be blocked off from Allah. There will be a hijab between them and Allah, a veil. And Allah will say to those people that He doesn't want to have anything to do with them.
He says that He will not speak to them, He will not purify them. And one of the scariest things, one of the scariest concepts in this, that Allah says, that on this day, you will be forgotten as you forgot My signs.
But think for a moment about this. Imagine this isn't your mother, this isn't your brother, your sister, your spouse. This is the Lord of the Universe saying to you that you will be forgotten. This is to the one who forgets Him in this life.
And this life, subhanAllah, we have so many opportunities. Until the day we die, we have the opportunity to go back to Allah. But once we leave this life, if there was something else that we love more than Allah, that thing will not be able to do anything for us on the Day of Judgment.
That person will not be able to do anything for us on the Day of Judgment. And we're told in the Quran that on the Day of Judgment, the mujrim, the person who wronged themselves first and foremost and did wrong, they will be willing to sacrifice their own family members just to save themselves.
So these people who you love more than Allah in this life, on the Day of Judgment you'll be willing to sacrifice them just to save yourself.
So we really have to ask ourselves what we love most. And make it so that even the things that we love of the creation is a path and a vehicle to bring us closer to Allah as well.
Questions and Answers
On the Levels of Love for Allah's Sake
Let me just say that probably for the sake of that, like pure love for the sake of Allah is a very high level. In fact it's such a high level that one of the people who are shaded in the shade of Allah on a day when there's no other shade is that person.
The one who loves for the sake of Allah, they come together for the sake of Allah. Or two people that love for the sake of Allah come together for the sake of Allah and part for the sake of Allah. So don't think it's an easy thing. It's a very high level of love.
But basically there's different levels of love for the sake of Allah. The pure love for the sake of Allah means my heart has no sharing. And that's something very difficult. But the concept of love for the sake of Allah means that I love you because of Allah. I love you for Allah. And I love you through Allah.
It means that for example when you love somebody because they remind you of Allah. And that's the reason you love them. You don't love them for anything else that they give you. You love them just solely because they remind you of Allah.
You know sometimes there's like teachers or scholars or someone, you don't know anything. I mean there's no other reason that you love this person except that they teach you and they bring you closer to Allah. That's love for the sake of Allah.
When you love somebody because Allah has commanded you to love them. That's love for the sake of Allah. So for example you can make your love for your children, your love for your parents, your love for your spouse for the sake of Allah. Why? Because Allah has told us to love and to take care of them and treat them in a certain way.
So when I do that and I do it because Allah has told me to, that's love for the sake of Allah.
How to Know if Love is for Allah's Sake
How do you know that the love is for the sake of Allah? That might be another question. One way again goes back to that same question. Does my love for this person bring me closer to Allah or farther from Allah?
The other question is when that thing is taken away from me. That's really where the test comes. When that thing is taken from me. I might say I love this person for the sake of Allah or I want to marry them for the sake of Allah. But then when it doesn't work out, I can't let go. Well that's an indication it was not for the sake of Allah because who has decided that you shouldn't marry that person? Allah.
So sometimes we say that we love for the sake of Allah but really it's not. I mean it's very difficult. But one good test is when it doesn't work out or when something is taken away from you. We know that ultimately that's the decision of whom? It's Allah's will. So if it really was for his sake, then I would be content with that and I'd be okay with it.
Breaking Unhealthy Attachments
How do you get rid of the addiction? And this other one, what strategies have you found that works when you're trying to detach yourself from someone?
The best advice that I can give you is, you know how they say that you don't get over someone until you find someone better? Or you don't get over someone until someone else comes and takes their place? It's like you can't really, you know as human beings we don't really like to have emptiness. We can't deal with like nothing there.
We need something filling that spot. So if we can't have, we're really not going to get over that person who filled that spot until we find someone else to put it there.
The easiest way to get over an addiction is, or the easiest way to get over an attachment is to find something better to attach yourself to. Find something better to love.
The reason why we get very attached to these things is because we haven't seen what is better. The reason why we get so attached to this life is because we haven't really realized that the next life is better. We haven't really seen that. We don't really realize it.
And the reason why we get very very attached to the creation is because we haven't really known the creator. And we haven't realized, if we were able to see the creator, if we were able to really know the creator, and if we were able to know that love, it would overpower any other love.
So I think that we get attached in an unhealthy way, we get addicted in an unhealthy way because we haven't found something better. We haven't built that higher expression of love inside of us. We haven't filled enough of our heart with love.
We haven't filled enough of our heart with love. And when you fill your heart with Allah and the love of Allah, it will take over. It will, you know, because it's so much greater. You can't compare the two. You can't compare the creator and the creation. And when you put the two next to each other, the one that's so much greater is going to completely demolish the other one.
The Example of the Toy Car
I give this example in the piece I'm writing right now. That when a little kid falls in love with a toy car. He sees a toy car in the store and absolutely falls in love with it. He's going to become consumed with that love. He's going to be obsessed with getting that car. Right? And every time he walks by that car in the store, he's going to have to like hold himself back from stealing it. Because he loves that car so much.
But what happens if that boy sees through the window of the store and sees a real car? Sees a real Ferrari, a real thing? What's going to happen to his attachment to the toy car? Is it anymore a struggle not to steal it? Is it anymore a struggle to break that? No, because he saw something better. He saw the real version.
And that's what we have to do. If we could see the real life. Right? This is the dunya. The dunya is the lower life. By definition, it's the lower life. Dunya comes from the word which means lower. There's a lower life and there's a higher life. The higher life is the hereafter.
If we could see the real version, you know, like the higher version, we would easily break our attachment to the lower one. Our problem is we only see the toy car. We don't see the real one. Our problem is we only see the creation. We don't see the creator.
Practical Steps for Detachment
What you need to do is detoxify yourself from that which you're addicted to. Detox. Meaning completely cut off all communication, all your mind. Just cut yourself off from the drug. And then you go through this detox, you know, and you get over it. And then maybe after that you don't have to have as severe of a cut off.
But part of the treatment is to cut yourself off like you would with a drug. How do you place, the second part of this question, how do you detach yourself from someone and how do you place your heart in the
hands of Allah? It is building your relationship with Allah. And the more you see the real car, the less you're going to be attached to the toy one.
Build your relationship with Allah. Refocus your heart on Allah. Because the reason we get addicted, the reason we get unhealthy, these unhealthy attachments is because our heart is focused on them. Our heart is focused on this person. Bring your heart back to be focused on Allah. And that's through dhikr, that's through, remember that's through worship, ibadah, and you know a lot of dhikr.
Put Allah at the center of your life, the center of your focus. And as you build that focus on Allah, it will make it much, much easier to get over the false attachment.
Can a Nafsani Relationship Become for Allah's Sake?
Can a relationship that was nafsani based turn to one that is for Allah's sake? Yeah, it can as long as it's not displeasing to Allah. As long as it's not haram. We can't say that there's a relationship for the sake of Allah when it is haram, a haram relationship. We can't have a relationship for the sake of Allah that is actually displeasing to Allah.
So if it is within what is halal, within marriage, then yes it can be transformed, it can be changed. The heart can be refocused on Allah and it can be a healthy attachment. But if it's not, if it's displeasing, if it's a haram relationship, it can never be for the sake of Allah because you're displeasing Allah.
Choosing a Spouse
When you're choosing a spouse, criteria for choosing a spouse. Remember when I said that does this person bring you closer to Allah or farther from Allah? This should be a criteria for choosing a spouse. Because we have a goal. We have a goal. And marriage we said was your vehicle to get to that goal.
Now if you get a car that doesn't run and is going to stop and in fact is going to keep you from getting to your goal, is that very wise? If you want, if you have a goal and you're clear about that goal, you're going to want to use the best vehicle to get you there.
So your spouse, I mean this person is going to be the closest to you. And this person in short is going to be with you for the rest of your life. You have to be very careful what type of vehicle you're using to get to your goal. What type of spouse you're marrying.
If you're marrying someone just because of the way they look, that's like getting a car that looks really nice but doesn't even start. You're not going to take it to your goal. And eventually guess what happens to that car? It's going to rust and it's going to fall apart. That's just the way we are.
This is a body that's going to pass away. And with every year it gets older. Nobody can escape aging. So the point is think about, be wise in your decision. Everything is passing away. All that's going to matter is
the substance. The heart. And if you want your heart to go to Allah, you want a spouse that's going to help you with that. With that journey to Allah.
The Importance of Istikharah
I highly, highly emphasize, I highly, it's very important that when you're trying to choose a spouse, trying to choose a career, trying to choose a major, that you pray istikharah. Istikharah is two rak'ahs that you pray that are nafil and you make the intention of istikharah and then there's a supplication that you make after that.
Now the thing with istikharah is this. You're asking Allah to guide you basically. You're asking that if this thing is good for you, to put barakah in it, to put blessing in it and to make it easy, to make it happen. And if this thing is not good for you, to take you away from it and to take it away from you and to take you away from it.
And then to bring what is pleasing, what is good for you and make you pleased with it. The du'a of istikharah is really perfect. But the problem is how we go about understanding istikharah.
A lot of people have a lot of ideas about istikharah. For example, people think that you're supposed to see a dream definitely and that's the answer for istikharah. The answer for istikharah does not need to come in the form of a dream.
Even when it comes to dream interpretation, it's not an exact science. So we have to be careful when we think, when we look for the answer of istikharah as if it's going to be like a sign in the sky, a lightening, a lightning is going to strike or whatever.
The answer for istikharah comes in what ends up happening. Because think about what you're saying in istikharah. You're saying, if this thing is good for me, in my deen, so in this life and the next, in my deen and my dunya, then make it work out, right? Make it easy for me and put a blessing in it.
Three things. None of those things have to do with seeing a light in the sky or some big sign. What you're asking is, if this is good for me, make it happen. And make it easy. And put a blessing in it.
So suppose you pray istikharah and then after that everything is working out smoothly. You know, everything is kind of, it just works out. There's your answer here, istikharah.
Then after that you say, if you know that this thing is not good for me, it's bad for me, it's evil for me, again, in your deen and in your dunya. Then take it away from me. And take me away from it. And then bring me what is good for me. What is good and make me pleased with it.
So you pray your istikharah, now remember what you just made du'a for, okay? You pray your istikharah and now nothing's working out. Obstacle after obstacle after obstacle after struggle after struggle. Could that be the answer to your istikharah?
Final Reminders
We need to build our relationship with Allah directly. And so we need to love through our attachment to Allah, not the other way around. We shouldn't be loving through anything else. We don't love Allah through the creation. We don't love Allah because such and such person does or through that person.
Make sure that your relationship with Allah is direct. And that everything else that is loved is through him, not the other way around. Where Allah is loved through the creation.
So, bottom line is the attachment should be through Allah, not through the person.
Closing
Glory be to You, O Allah, and praise be to You. I bear witness that there is no god but You. I seek Your forgiveness and repent to You.
O Allah, send prayers and peace upon our Prophet Muhammad and upon his family and all his companions.
والله أعلم
And Allah knows best.