What men & women need to know about each other

What Men & Women Need to Know About Each Other

by Dr. Yasir Qadhi | 25th May 2013

Opening

(السَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللَّهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ - As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh)

(الْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ وَالصَّلَاةُ وَالسَّلَامُ عَلَى رَسُولِ اللَّهِ وَعَلَى آلِهِ وَصَحْبِهِ وَمَنْ وَالَاهُ، أَمَّا بَعْدُ - Alhamdulillahi wa salatu wa salamu ala Rasulillahi wa ala alihi wa sahbihi wa man walaha. Amma ba'd.)

Introduction: Understanding Gender Differences

My talk today is going to center around what men need to know about women and what women need to know about men. And much can be said about this topic, but of course time is limited. So insha'Allah ta'ala, I'll concentrate on what many modern psychologists have really said is the primary need that men have from women and the primary need that women have from men.

Divine Wisdom in Creation

Before I begin, I'd like to point out that Allah has referenced the fact that men and women are not the same. Allah says in the Qur'an:

"And the male is not like the female."

And our Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said:

(Abu Dawud 236, Tirmidhi 113)

"Women are the twin halves of men."

They're complementary to men. They're not the same as men.

The Failure of Radical Feminism

Throughout the 60s and 70s there was a movement that we all know now as the feminist movement. And this movement tried to portray men and women as being equal - physiologically, psychologically, emotionally - they're all equal. But it failed miserably.

Nowadays a modern wave of feminism, a modern wave of research is trying to go back and reclaim that damage, rethink through many of the issues that they had thought to change in the 60s and 70s. You cannot change the basic nature of men and women the way that Allah created them.

Complementary Roles

Our Quran and sunnah is full of the fact that men and women have different roles in society. It's not a matter of comparing the two. You do not compare apples and oranges.

It's a matter that Allah created the man and He gave the man a role that is conducive for the man. And Allah created the woman and He gave a role that is conducive for the woman. And when the man acts like a man and the woman acts like a woman, family flourishes, society flourishes, children flourish, and therefore the ummah will flourish.

But when the man tries to become a woman, or the woman tries to become a man, they will never be able to change their fundamental nature. And so the man will fail, the woman will fail, the family will fail, society will fail, and the ummah will fail. So our religion is very simple and straightforward.

"And the male is not like the female."

Primary Emotional Needs

What Men Want: Respect

What is it that a man wants from his wife? What is the primary emotion that he wants from his wife? The primary emotion, according to modern psychologists - I'll bring in the Qur'an and Sunnah later - the primary emotion that men want from their wives is that of respect.

When a wife respects her husband, when a wife shows respect to her husband, the husband reciprocates that respect by giving the woman her primary need.

What Women Want: Love

And what is the need that the woman has? What is the primary need that a woman wants from her husband? What's the primary emotion? That is the continual love and the continual enveloping of that attention that the husband always makes his wife his priority.

The husband always shows his wife that "I'm thinking about you, I'm caring about you," i.e., "I will always love you."

The Reciprocal Cycle

So, what does the man want? Respect. When he gets respect, what does he do? He gives what the wife wants.

What does the wife want? To feel loved, to feel cherished, to feel always thought about, taken care of. That the priorities of the husband are the feelings of the wife. And when the husband is shown respect, he will reciprocate by giving his wife that love.

And when the wife is loved, she will reciprocate by giving the husband the respect that he deserves.

Islamic Foundation for These Principles

I can bring in the Qur'an and sunnah to demonstrate this reality. Allah says:

"Men are qawwam over women."

And qawwam means to be in charge of. This is the literal meaning of the Qur'an. Qawwam means the one who will take care of the other. Qawwam means the one who will be the one in charge.

So, what is the one in charge? The one who is shown respect.

The Famous Hadith About Respect

We have that famous hadith, and no doubt this hadith is misused and abused, and we have to point this out as well. But it is the famous hadith that when once Mu'adh ibn Jabal came back from Syria, and he entered the masjid of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم and he fell down in sajdah in front of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم

And the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said to him: "Ya Mu'adh, what are you doing? Who told you to prostrate to me? Why are you doing this?"

So Mu'adh ibn Jabal said: "I returned from Syria. I found the people prostrating to their rabbis and their elders out of respect. And I felt you deserve this respect more than those priests and those rabbis."

What did our Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم say? It's not my job to apologize on behalf of what the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said. It's not my job to cover up his teachings. It is my job to teach those teachings whether a person likes them or not. If I didn't do that, I would not be worthy of standing where I'm standing.

What did the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم say?

(Abu Dawud 2140, Tirmidhi 1159, Ibn Majah 1853)

"Verily, Allah has forbidden any human to prostrate to another human. But if He were to have allowed this - if a concession were to have been made - there is no concession. If a concession were to have been made, I would have told the wife to prostrate to her husband out of the respect and duty she owes to him."

Now what is this prostration? It is the prostration of respect. And what does this show? That the wife gives respect to the husband. And what will the husband give back? The husband will give back that love, that cherishing, that nurturing that the wife craves.

Practical Guidance for Wives: How to Show Respect

1. Respect His Knowledge and Judgment

Wives, respect your husband's knowledge and judgment. When your husband makes a decision, don't double guess him. Don't doubt him. Don't try to make him feel he's not intelligent, he's not qualified to do what he's doing. In other words, don't treat him like a child.

Classic Example: The Driving Scenario

Classic example happens all the time. Husband is driving, and the wife thinks that this is the wrong way. The wife says: "No, you should exit here. You just missed the highway exit. This is where you're supposed to exit from."

What has just happened here? The husband becomes irritated. "I know where I'm going, don't worry. I know it's right ahead."

What's happened here? Well, the wife has doubted her husband's sense of power, sense of being in charge, sense of responsibility. And what happens here when a husband is challenged, he becomes argumentative. He becomes... immediately he'll retort back: "What do you know? You did this, you did that."

2. Let Him Make His Mistakes and Learn

Now, if he turns out to be wrong and you were right, this leads me to point two: Let the husband make his mistakes and learn from his own mistakes.

Because when he makes a mistake, he won't be able to get angry at anybody else. But when you make a mistake and you tell your husband to make that mistake, you're never gonna hear the end of it, and you all know what I'm talking about.

Let the husband make his mistake and let him learn from his mistake. And don't become his mother. Believe me, no man wants to marry a motherly figure. He has his mother, alhamdulillah for that. He doesn't want his wife to start lecturing him, to start daunting him, like only his mother is allowed to daunt him. Mothers have privileges - they don't extend to their daughter-in-laws.

So, suppose he did take that wrong turn. Suppose he missed the exit. Guess what? He's never going to miss that exit ever again. He's learned from his mistake. And the fact that you didn't put it in his mind, you were just quiet, you let him do his decision - khalas, no big deal. Next time it's not going to happen.

So what if you arrive at the party 5 minutes late? I mean, we all arrive 20-30 minutes late - it's part of being desi and Muslim. What's the big deal? It's not gonna be the end of the world.

3. Trust His Capability in Projects

Trust his capability in taking on the projects that he wants to take on. Don't be sarcastic or diminishing of any project he feels that he wants to do.

For example, there's a leaky faucet, and your husband comes in with the toolbox, the plumbing, the wrench and everything, and you're like: "You're gonna fix the leaky faucet?"

What have you just done? You've taken his ego, and you didn't just take a pin and put... You took a knife and you thrust it in his heart. Like literally, the husband will say: "If I can't even take care of a leaky faucet, you don't think I'm capable of this? What do you think I'm capable of?"

Understanding Male Ego

Men, I'm sorry and I apologize for giving the secret away, but I have to for our own marriages. Men, I know this is gonna come as a shock to you sisters: Men have big egos. I know it's gonna come as a shock to you. Their egos, mashallah, tabarakallah.

So, if you do anything to diminish that ego, you have hurt male pride. So, you let the man foster his ego. Let him - if you think he's self-deluded, let him be self-deluded. He'll love you back in return. And in the end of the day, that's what you want, doesn't it? You want to be loved and cherished and admired.

Let him make a mistake. And I will tell you another thing, sisters. Frankly, if your husband does take on a challenge, you will be surprised when 9 times out of 10, he'll actually finish it in a decent manner. This is the fact of the matter. When men make mistakes, they'll go back and do it again, and do it again, and do it again, until they get it right. Allah created us that way.

4. Choose Your Words Carefully

When you must bring up something negative, and sometimes you have to - I'm not saying you always be quiet and never point out a mistake or something - when you must bring up something negative, choose your wording and the tone of your voice with great caution.

One of the main reasons that men complain about the nagging of their wives is because they feel a woman's nagging is equivalent to disrespecting.

The Right Way to Remind

So for example, the reason why the man is not fixing the faucet is because he has other priorities. He has a deadline at work, and he knows that deadline is more important than the leaky faucet. He has other issues, his own priorities. You don't have those priorities, he does.

So, what you do is, you remind him in a gentle manner: "Honey, I know I've reminded you last week of the faucet. I know you have other things to do. Whenever you get a chance, insha'Allah, can you take care of that?"

It's just a tone, it's just a positive attitude, rather than being negative. Not to be sarcastic, but rather to be somewhat positive.

5. Use "I" Statements, Not "You" Statements

If you must complain, never use the phrase "you" - rather use the phrase "I."

Example: When He Comes Home Late

Your husband comes home late and he didn't call you. Then you get angry at him. "You never call me when you're late. You should always call me."

What have you just done? Daunted him, right? Mothers and fathers can say that to their children: "Better you must call before you're late." Yes, that's fine. But for the wife to do this, honestly, it's not going to bring about the love.

You know what? I will teach you that phrase - when you say it, wallahi, every time he's late, he will call you. What is that phrase?

"Honey, you didn't call me and you were late, and I was worried for you. Instantaneously, I got worried. I didn't know where you are. I didn't know what to..."

This instantaneously, you will give him such a big guilt trip, he'll go to the moon and come back for you. It's just a matter of phrasing it so that you make him feel like a man. You were supposed to take care of me, and you didn't because you made me feel worried for your safety. That's all you did.

Rather than treat him like a child, rebuke him, you become the wife. And you say: "I got worried you were late. I was waiting for your call." When you put it on yourself, and this applies to any situation by the way.

6. Never Mock Him in Public

The final point for the sisters: never ever in any circumstance, crack a joke about your husband's honor or capabilities in public. Never do this. It's always going to be very detrimental. The husband never wants to be made fun of by his wife. And that is not going to bring about anything positive in the husband.

Sisters, let me ask you: would you like it if your husband teased the way you looked in public? If your husband talked about the few pounds you've gained over the summer in Ramadan in public, how would you like it?

Well, male egos are even more fragile as I said. So if you ridicule something they attempted, if you ridicule the project that they did in public, you are really hurting his ego.

Do the Opposite: Praise Him

Rather do the opposite - praise him. Next time you're at your in-laws, you have his parents there, praise him. And praise him to the face of his parents and his relatives.

"MashaAllah, he takes such good care of me. MashaAllah, he's a loving person."

Suppose he washed the dishes once last year, just once. You say: "MashaAllah, tabarakAllah, he washed the dishes."

Believe me, the next day he's going to wash the dishes for you. It's a matter of positive encouragement.

Practical Guidance for Husbands: How to Show Love

Now it's time for the brothers. Brothers, ready? Taking notes? Sisters, you can relax now.

We said: what do the sisters want the most? To feel loved. To feel that love. To feel cherishment. They need to be constantly reassured that their husbands love them. That their husbands always take them as number one.

Understanding Women's Need for Reassurance

If women could get away with it, they want to be put on the pedestal and the husband just looks at them all day and night. And that would be great for them. They want to be number one in their husband's life. So they want constant reassurance that the husband always loves them.

Now, brothers, listen to this: Wives do not take your love for granted. You take your wife's love for granted. You don't need your wife to constantly reassure you that "you love me, you love me." No, you take it for granted. The fact that she's still living with you shows you she loves you.

Well, it doesn't work the other way around. A woman is always double guessing: "Does he still love me? Does he still think about me? Does he still care about me? Does he still put me number one?" And therefore, a woman has to have constant reassurance.

Understanding Physical Insecurities

And not only this, but another issue that men need to be sensitive to and understand: Women are very conscious of their looks and they're comparing their looks with other women all the time. We guys don't do that. We don't care about other looks of men. We don't compare ourselves.

But women are always thinking: "Am I still beautiful enough for him? Does he still think me attractive? Maybe I've gained a few pounds. Maybe after the third kid, this and that."

She's always double guessing her looks, her figure. And so the husband always has to make her feel the most beautiful, the most cherished, the most loved, the most admired. She always wants these reassurances.

Ways to Show Love

How does he do this? Many ways. And again, time is limited. I'll just point out a number of them.

1. Words of Affirmation

Words, words, words. Never underestimate the power of speech. Simply saying: "I love you." I know it's awkward for men after the courting phase. I know it's awkward, right? But believe me, it never goes out of fashion. For women, it never goes out of fashion. They always love to hear this phrase.

And in fact, there are da'eef hadith of our Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم). It's a bit da'eef hadith, but it's still mentioned in our books. That our Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) and Aisha were joking once. And Aisha said to the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم):

Kayfa hubbuka lee?

"How much do you love me? How is your love for me?"

And our Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said and he gave a beautiful, metaphorical, poetic expression. He said: "My love for you is like the tight knot that cannot be unbound."

So then in the future, sometimes if they would have a bit of an issue, a bit of an argument, one of the two would remark: "How is the knot right now?" And Aisha would say this when the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) sometimes got irritated: "How is the knot?" So he would smile, he would say: "As strong as it ever was." And this hadith is in Daraqutni.

Praising Her Actions

But not just "I love you" - praising her and what she does. Husbands, never take your wife's actions for granted. Suppose she is cooking and cleaning most of the time. Not that I'm suggesting that should be done - work should always be 50-50. Don't misquote me there. I'm just saying, suppose she cooks and suppose she cleans. Never take it for granted. Always once in a while, come and compliment her.

"MashaAllah, that was great. You know, I really appreciate what you're doing for me."

Those words, they go a long way. Your wife realizes: "You know what, he's not taking me for granted." Very important.

Praising Her Appearance

Praise her looks when she dresses up, when she does something extra special for you. Never take it for granted.

2. Remembering Special Occasions

Husbands, you all know the big danger of forgetting anniversaries, right? You all know how dangerous that is. Why do women want you to know their anniversaries? Because it makes them feel you still love them. Makes them feel: "He still remembers me, he still cherishes me."

And celebrating anniversaries - honestly, I believe there are some scholars who say it's haram bid'ah. SubhanAllah, quote me: celebrating anniversaries is mustahab. It is encouraged in our religion. What greater thing to do than for the husband to tell his wife over and over again that "I love you, I'll do it all over again."

Take them out for a romantic dinner, be romantic with your wife. What better way of showing that love? There's nothing wrong at all to show that love on your anniversary days. This is something that the shari'ah encourages - the husband and wife to have that lovely bond together.

3. Quality Time

Another thing that the woman wants is time. And time - this is now a difference in language. For husbands, time means the watch on your hand. So when the wife says: "You never spend time with me," immediately he goes into calculation mode: "I sleep 8 hours a day, I have breakfast one hour, I come home - that's 10 hours with you. How can you say I never have time for you?"

Because he's thinking of time in the dictionary definition of time. That's the clock.

No, no, no, no. Women have a different dictionary. Women have a different vocabulary. For women, time means attention. Undivided quality attention.

So, you're working 5 days of the week, you have that Saturday night free, and you wanna go and you wanna watch a television match, you wanna watch a cricket game, you wanna go and play some basketball, you wanna do this and that. That is quality time. And you have just shown your wife: when you have quality time, you don't wanna spend it with her.

So what does that mean? You never go out with the guys? No, of course you have to go out with the guys. But understand, when she's asking for time, she wants quality time.

4. Listening, Not Solving

And this also when she comes to you for help, to come for advice, she wants some issue to solve. One of the biggest problems that men have is they think the woman is coming to him to solve her problem.

So immediately he'll say: "Oh, you did this wrong, you did that wrong, you should do this, you should do that."

And that is not what the woman wants. What does the woman want? The woman wants a loving ear, a sympathetic ear. She wants somebody to listen to her problem, to be sympathetic to her, not necessarily to solve her problem.

This is quality time. To express that whatever she went through was frustrating, was problematic, and insha'Allah they will work it out.

Conclusion: Marriage as Teamwork

The bottom line, brothers and sisters: marriage is something that both sides have to give and take. Men have to give or else the women will take. No, no, again. Both sides have to give and take. You have to give what the woman wants, and in return she will give what you want.

When the man gives love, when the man gives that what we call romance - and romance is nothing. Men think romance is a very dangerous word. They never wanna use it, right?

All romance means is: you show her you're thinking about her, you show her you're caring about her. Husbands, the phrase "I love you," giving roses, remembering the anniversaries, taking them out, spending quality time - this is what romance is.

When you give the wife the love, you make her feel like she's number one, guess what? She'll make you feel like you're number one. And so both of you make each other feel like number one, and that's exactly what marriage is all about.

Marriage is a team effort. Both parties put in the effort, and then and only then will the marriage be successful.

Closing

Wa as-salamu 'alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh وبركاته الله ورحمة عليكم والسلام