The Etiquette of Dealing with Parents and the Elderly - Corrected

The Story of Uwais al-Qarni

Umar ibn al-Khattab being who he is, is told to go to this man because he was righteous to his mother. Now some books of history mention a story. Allah knows how authentic it is, but it is mentioned in our classical sources that Uwais al-Qarni used to take.

He was the only son. His father had passed away. So he's taking care of his mother in a very dutiful manner.

And he asks and begs permission to go to Medina to meet the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم - shallallahu alayhi wasallam). So his mother grudgingly allows him to go. But she says, look, you know that I need you.

Therefore, I only give you basically a day or two in Medina. As soon as you get there, you meet the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم - shallallahu alayhi wasallam), you come back. It is said that Uwais traveled from Yemen all the way to Medina.

And when he got there, lo and behold, the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم - shallallahu alayhi wasallam) was away on an expedition. He wasn't in Medina. So now he's stuck between two options.

The first is to wait a week or two. He's traveled from Yemen. That's already a month's journey.

The first is to wait a week or two. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم - shallallahu alayhi wasallam) wouldn't be gone for more than a week or two. And wait for the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم - shallallahu alayhi wasallam) to return.

And if he did, he would be raised in status from a tabi'i to a sahabi. If he did, his status would forever be raised eternally. And the second option was, listen to my mother.

What did he choose to do? We can guess. He chose to obey his mother. To give up this voluntary status because being a sahabi is a privilege but it's not wajib.

Listening to your mother is wajib. And so according to this riwayah, Uwais al-Qarni stayed a day or two, as much as his mother had allowed him. And then he rode his mount and he rode all the way back to Yemen.

And he voluntarily, willingly gave up that status in order to please his mother. It is no surprise, therefore, that the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم - shallallahu alayhi wasallam) said what he said to Umar ibn al-Khattab that when Uwais al- Qarni comes to you, ask him to make dua to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى - subhanahu wa ta'ala) because this is a man who used to treat his mother with righteousness, with birr. And subhanAllah, this really shows us we want our duas to be accepted.

Let us treat our parents with that dignity and respect that we deserve. We want Allah to bless us. We want the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم - shallallahu alayhi wasallam) to know who we are.

Uwais al-Qarni, they never met. Allah's wahi came down. Jibreel told him who Uwais al-Qarni was.

How magnificent of a status was this man that Jibreel comes down to inform our Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم - shallallahu alayhi wasallam) of this human being, this beautiful human being whose only good that we know of. We don't know anything else about him. That's all we know.

Whose only good that we know of was (كَانَ بَرًّا - He was barran). He was somebody who would treat his mother with that type of birr.

Hadiths About Parents as the Door to Paradise

And that is why the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم - shallallahu alayhi wasallam) never cease to remind us and advise us to take care of our parents with the utmost gentleness and kindness. In one hadith he said, the largest door to Jannah and the middle door to Jannah. Awsat means the largest and the middle.

The largest door to Jannah that any person has is that of his parents. His parents are the easiest way that a person can enter Jannah. If you treat your parents with the respect and the love that they deserve, your easiest way to enter Jannah will be through that door.

In yet another hadith, the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم - shallallahu alayhi wasallam) said, The pleasure of Allah is in the pleasure of the parents. And the anger of Allah is in the anger of the parents. The pleasure of Allah is in the pleasure of the parents.

And the anger of Allah is in the anger of the parents. If your parents are happy with you, then even if you have other sins, even if you've done other major problems, inshaAllah ta'ala, this is a source of expiation for you. This is a source of kaffarah for you.

The Story of Ibn Abbas and the Sinful Man

Once a man came to Ibn Abbas and he said to him, Oh, Ibn Abbas, I have done this, and I have done that, and I have fornicated, and I have drunk wine. Basically, he did every sin in the book. What can I do now to make up for this? Ibn Abbas said, Are your parents alive? He said, My mother is alive.

Ibn Abbas said, Go and serve her because wallahi, I know of no good deed that cleanses a man of all of his sins than servicing one's parents. I know of no good deed that cleanses a man of all of his sins than serving one's parents. And in another motif of the sunnah, which is more than one hadith, at least four or five hadith, we learned that even struggling in the way of Allah, even participating in a legitimate jihad.

Jihad and Parents

These days, the word jihad makes people scared. We call it the J word. We're not supposed to say the word jihad, right? Fact of the matter is, we need to overcome this trepidation and this hesitation and we need to say very clearly that jihad is a concept of our religion and it is mentioned in the Qur'an in hundreds of verses and in the hadith in dozens of times and it is mentioned in a noble manner.

There's nothing wrong with the concept of jihad. What is wrong is how certain Muslims have misunderstood it. The concept of jihad remains noble.

The concept of jihad remains a noble striving for the sake of Allah. Jihad means you strive for the sake of Allah. It doesn't mean you go kill innocent people.

It doesn't mean you go bomb civilians. It doesn't mean you misinterpret your religion of Islam and you do that which damages your own people more than it damages others. But the concept of jihad is a noble one and we should not be ashamed and we should not be shy from using this word.

We need to reclaim the word with dignity and honor as we explain to others, to non-Muslims the reality of this word. What those people are doing is not jihad. But there are aspects of jihad and there's a concept of jihad that is a part of my tradition.

Hadiths: Serving Parents vs. Jihad

And here I want to talk about this motif that is mentioned in more than one hadith. And that is helping your parents is better than doing a legitimate jihad. Now, this is really relevant especially in our times when we're facing a little bit of a crisis of certain youngsters undereducated and overzealous who think that they will revive the glory of Islam by doing acts of ridiculousness, acts of militancy and violence.

They think that if they go overseas and they participate in military expeditions in Somalia, in Iraq, in Afghanistan, they might bring about the days of Salah ad-Din al-Ayubi. For these youngsters amongst us who have been deluded by listening to certain clerics and being brainwashed by certain groups of people, I say in all sincerity to them, open up the Qur'an and Sunnah and read some basic ayat and hadith. A man comes to the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم - shallallahu alayhi wasallam). And he says, Ya Rasulullah, I have come here to go and fight for the sake of Allah, to do jihad for the sake of Allah.

So what do you advise me? Where should I go? The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم - shallallahu alayhi wasallam) said, Is your mother alive? He said, Yes. So he said, (اِلْزَمْهَا - Go and stick with her) because Jannah is under her feet. Jannah is under her feet. (Muslim hadith 2548)

He wants to go for jihad. And this is a legitimate jihad, not the illegitimate type that we find in our times, not by killing innocent people and bombing airplanes and doing things that are utter and sheer stupidity, un-Islamic and downright evil and foolish. Doing a legitimate jihad in this hadith.

This man says, I've come to do jihad. What does the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم - shallallahu alayhi wasallam) say? Is your mother alive? Yes, go do jihad with her. Struggle in taking care of her.

Struggle in maintaining those ties of kinship, the ties of loyalty that your mother deserves. The famous tradition, another tradition where a man comes, narrated in Musnad Imam Ahmed. A man comes to the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم - shallallahu alayhi wasallam), and he says, O Messenger of Allah, I have come from a faraway land.

And some version also says Yemen, faraway land. And I have immigrated to Medina. This is the first time he's seen the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم - shallallahu alayhi wasallam). I have immigrated to Medina in order to be with you and do jihad behind you.

And I've even left my parents crying in order to be with you. In other words, he's trying to boast. He's trying to boast to the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم - shallallahu alayhi wasallam) that I've done so much for the sake of jihad, I even left my mother and father crying.

The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم - shallallahu alayhi wasallam) said, go back to them and make them laugh just like you made them cry. You want to do jihad? What a joke! You've left your parents angry at you? What type of Muslim are you? You want to go do jihad and your parents are crying? You want the pleasure of Allah by angering your parents? You want to please Allah by displeasing your parents? Go back to them right now and make them laugh as you had made them cry. (Musnad Ahmad hadith 15500)

This is the real jihad, brothers and sisters. This is what we need to tell our youngsters and our overzealous, undereducated youth. Wallahi, it's easy to log on to a few chat forms. It's easy to talk some grandiose, ultra romanticized, utopic talks that I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do that.

But it's very difficult to listen to your mother and father. It's very difficult to sit down there and be a good son and daughter. And Allah tells us very clearly that is the real jihad.

Practical Guidance for Serving Parents

What can we do with our parents? In other words, what does Allah require from us? Well, a lot can be said. But to summarize very briefly, if one's parents are alive, a number of things can be done. First and foremost, financial rights and obligations.

No doubt, parents have financial rights over us. Secondly, physically helping and serving them. Physically, taking care of their needs, giving them food and water, making food for them.

Instead of your mother going to the kitchen to get a glass of water, wallahi, this is your duty. If you see your mother stand up to do something, you should stand up and do it for her. Physically helping and serving him.

Like the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم - shallallahu alayhi wasallam) said to that Sahabi, go and stick to her feet. This is an Arabic expression. Stick to her feet means you lower yourself, you humble yourself to her.

You're literally and metaphorically a servant. Go and stick to her feet because Jannah is under her feet. Thirdly, respecting them and controlling your anger in front of them.

Never expressing your irritation. Next time you feel irritated against your parents, remind yourself of the verse of Allah, don't say uf, and ask Allah to help you in preventing to say that uf. Even if you feel it, even if you feel the anger, you feel the frustration, close it.

Withdraw and withhold that sentiment from being expressed. And of course lastly, showing your love to them, going above and beyond the call of duty. And this is what Allah says, that lower unto them your wings of mercy.

Lower unto them your wings of mercy. If your parents have passed away, one or both of them, then no doubt this is a great loss, and no doubt this is a very traumatic experience. Once it is narrated that the famous companion Al-Harith Al-Aqli, his father passed away.

When Parents Pass Away

His father passed away and he was crying uncontrollably. So the sahaba around him, they consoled him, they said, inshallah he's in Jannah, inshallah Allah has forgiven him, don't cry. He said to them, Do you think that I'm crying because he has passed on? Wallahi I am sad that he's passed on, but that's not why I'm crying.

I am crying because my main door to Jannah has now been taken away from me. This is how I wanted to get to Jannah, and now my main door of Jannah has been taken away from me. Another sahabi, his father died, and he said, for one year after he died, every time I raised my hands, I could not think of any dua for myself except for him.

All I could think of was to make dua for him. So after a parent dies, after a parent moves on to the next life, still a lot can be done. First and foremost, as this sahabi says, seek forgiveness for them.

Ask Allah to forgive them and raise their ranks, make dua for them. Secondly, make sure that their wishes were fulfilled, their requests, their wills, anything that they want to done, make sure that you execute it on their behalf. Thirdly, give charity, sadaqah, give money and say, Oh Allah, reward my mother for this 10, 20, 30 dollars.

Regularly, every week, every month, go and give something on their behalf and say, Oh Allah, give this reward to my mother and father. And you give that sadaqah on their behalf. Also sacrificing an animal, obviously mentioning Allah's name, but then you say, give it to the poor and you say, may Allah reward my mother for feeding the poor.

Hajj and Umrah for Deceased Parents

And also making hajj and umrah for them. Making hajj and umrah is one of the greatest and the most noble acts that you can do as a son or a daughter. As long as you have done hajj and umrah, then you go for the second hajj or the second umrah, you go and you do it on behalf of your mother or your father.

When you wear ihram, when you put on ihram, you say (لَبَّيْكَ عَن أَبِي - labbayka ʿan abī) or (لَبَّيْكَ عَن أُمِّي - labbayka ʿan ummī) - And then each and every step and troublesome circumstance that you face, Allah will reward your mother. And you will be rewarded as a righteous son for doing this for your mother.

Also, the Prophet shallallahu alayhi wasallam said, that one of the ways that we can show respect to the parents and to fulfill their rights after they have moved on is, and this is something hardly anybody does, is to meet the friends and relatives of our parents whom we would not have met otherwise.

Maintaining Parents' Relationships

Now, in other words, our parents have their circle of friends. And because they were alive with us, we would also go to those friends and those distant relatives. When they've moved on, we have no reason to communicate with them.

We have nothing much in common. The only thing we have common with them is our parents. And so the Prophet shallallahu alayhi wasallam said, that a part of being a good son and a good daughter is that after your parents have moved on, you go to those relatives, you go to those family members, you go to those acquaintances and friends for the sake of your parents.

And some scholars, they derive the wisdom behind this. And they say, one of the wisdoms behind this, when you go to one of these people, and of course there will be a different age generation, a different group than you. You don't have much in common except one thing.

What do you have in common? Your mother, your father. So what will the topic of discussion be? It will be your mother or your father. And what do you think will happen when this person reminds you of how he interacted with, let's say this is an elderly auntie that you go to, and she says, yes, your mother did this, your mother did that.

How will you feel after that? How much love? How much tenderness? You're going to go home, you want to give sadaqa on her behalf, you'll make dua for her, that love will be rejuvenated, that love will be revived. Therefore by visiting the friends and relatives of our deceased parents, the love of our parents is once again rekindled within us. This is some of the wisdoms that the scholars derive from fulfilling this particular wasiyah and legacy of the Prophet shallallahu alayhi wasallam.

The Story of Ibn Abbas and the Man Carrying His Mother

Let me conclude by quoting a very interesting and beautiful tradition that is reported from the famous companion, Ibn Abbas.

The famous companion, Ibn Abbas radiallahu ta'ala. It is narrated that once a man was doing tawaf around the Kaaba. And he saw that the man had his mother on his back.

He had his mother on his back, literally on his back carrying her. And he saw Ibn Abbas in the distance. So he came running over to him.

And he said, O Ibn Abbas, this elderly lady on my back, she's my mother. She's my mother. And she's been asking to come for hajj for as long as I can remember.

She's always wanted to go for hajj. And I could not afford to buy an animal to bring her. And so this year I decided to carry her on my back and do hajj with her on my back.

Have I now fulfilled the rights of a son to his mother? Am I done now? Khalas? Got free? Paid what I needed? Ibn Abbas smiled and he said, You have done good. (قَدْ فَعَلْتَ خَيْرًا - qad fa'alta khairan) - But you have not done even a fraction of what you should have done. In other words, alhamdulillah, you're a good son.

But don't come and tell me that have I fulfilled the rights of my mother. The man said, Ya Ibn Abbas, oh Ibn Abbas, I have come from the city of so and so. And he mentioned a faraway city.

I have come from the city of so and so, carrying my mother on my back. And you're telling me that I haven't done even a fraction? I mean, come on. Ibn Abbas said, and he just said one thing, and wallahi this shows their understanding of human psychology, their understanding of human nature.

The sahaba are at a different level than us completely. Ibn Abbas said, you haven't done a fraction of what your mother did to you, of what you deserve to give back to your mother. Why? Because when your mother took care of you, and your mother did everything that she did for you, her goal was to give you life.

She did it out of love. She did it to see you flourish. She did it genuinely for your own nourishment and flourishment.

And now when you're paying her back, you're doing it as a duty and burden. You're doing it out of a sense of guilt and out of a sense of duty. And you're waiting for the day that she dies and she moves on.

You're not wanting to see her flourish and live. You're simply doing it as a dutiful son. You don't have that same genuine selfless love that your parents had for you when they did what they did.

Simply one psychological statement. Your parents did for you everything to see you live and flourish. When you're old, and when you become old, and they are now the ones that are being taken care of.

You're not doing it in that same philosophy. You're doing it as a burden. You're doing it to repay back.

How can you compare the two? The one is selfless love. The other is a sense of gratitude and duty. Thank you for doing what you've done for me. That type of attitude. How can you possibly compare?

Conclusion

Brothers and sisters, parents are the best blessing that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has given us after that of iman. Parents are the largest door to Jannah. Parents are the easiest way to get to Jannah. In the famous hadith of the Prophet shallallahu alayhi wasallam, with this hadith we'll conclude, as he's climbing the steps on the mimbar in front of hundreds and thousands of sahaba. And each time he climbs, he says, Ameen, Ameen, Ameen.

And then he turns around and he said, I'll explain to you why I said Ameen. Jibreel came to me and he told me three things. Every time he told me one thing, he said, say Ameen. So I said Ameen. And the last one that he said was, O Muhammad shallallahu alayhi wasallam, any person of your ummah who manages to catch a parent, in other words whose parents live to a level of old age, and they still are not capable of having their sins forgiven and entering Jannah. In other words, if Allah blesses you with an elderly parent, and you still cannot earn Allah's pleasure, then may that person perish.

In other words, if you have elderly parents, and you're not able to earn Allah's pleasure through them, you will not earn it through any other means. Say Ameen, Ya Rasulullah. So the Prophet shallallahu alayhi wasallam said, Ameen. (Bukhari hadith 5974)

Brothers and sisters, simple point. Bottom line, if your parents are alive, the only way to be a pleasing servant to Allah, the only way to be a good Muslim is to have your parents love you. If your parents are angry with you, if your parents are not happy with you, and you're not trying to change that situation, it doesn't matter what you do in the eyes of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.

The parents have ultimate priority in this world. May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala allow us to be righteous servants. May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala allow us to be dutiful and loving sons and daughters.

May He give us the patience and the iman and the tawfiq to take care of our parents the way that we deserve, the way that they deserve, the way that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has commanded from us. May He allow us to live as Muslims and to die as Muslims and to be resurrected as Muslims. وَآخِرُ دَعْوَانَا أَنِ الْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ رَبِّ الْعَالَمِينَ وَصَلَّى اللهُ وَسَلَّمَ وَبَارَكَ عَلَى مُحَمَّدٍ وَآلِهِ وَصَحْبِهِ أَجْمَعِينَ