Making Marriage Work - Responsibilities of a Muslim Couple - Corrected Khutbah

Making Marriage Work - Responsibilities of a Muslim Couple

Yasir Qadhi | January 11, 2013

Opening Praise and Testimony

Alhamdulillah, we praise Him, we ask His help and we ask His forgiveness. And we seek refuge in Allah from the evil of our souls and from the evil of our deeds. Whom Allah guides, no one can misguide him, and whom He misguides, no one can guide him.

And I bear witness that there is no god but Allah, there is no partner for Him. And I bear witness that Muhammad is His servant and His messenger.

O you who have believed, fear Allah as He should be feared. And you will not die except as Muslims.

O you who have believed, fear your Lord who created you from one soul. And He created from it its wife. And He spread from it many men and women. And fear Allah with whom you ask for forgiveness and mercy. Indeed, Allah is ever watching over you.

O you who have believed, fear Allah and say the right words. He will correct your deeds and forgive you your sins. And whoever obeys Allah and His Messenger has won a great victory.

The Blessing of Family

Amma ba'd, my dear brothers and sisters in Islam, of the greatest blessings that Allah has blessed mankind with, out of the blessings of this world, is the blessing of family. Our Lord says in the Quran that the family is of His miracles. That (وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ - 30:21 Quran), Allah says of His ayats.

And the meaning of ayah is a very profound word. Ayah means a sign. Ayah means a miracle. Ayah means something to think about that will lead you to something much bigger. So Allah is saying of His ayats is the fact that He has created for each of you spouses. He has created for each of you spouses from amongst you.

So that you can find peace and harmony in the other spouse. Allah says of His miracles is that, For every single species Allah has made it into pairs. Zawjain, meaning the male and the female.

So that you can think, so that you can ponder. If Allah had wanted to He could have made us so that we reproduce individually, like the amoeba, like those one cell organisms do. If Allah had wanted to He could have done this.

But Allah is saying of His miracles is that He made the species, the biological species, into two pairs, male and female. Why? So that you can think and ponder. Why? So that it is a miracle. Why? So that it is a sign.

Why? So that you can find comfort and peace in the other.

The Quranic Description of Marriage

And our Lord says in the Quran, in the famous verse regarding wives and husbands:

"That you are their garments and they are your garments. You are their clothes and they are your clothes. Meaning, each one of you finds comfort in the other like we find comfort in our clothes. Each one of us is protected in the other like we are protected in our clothes.

Each one of us is beautified in the other like we beautify in our clothes. Each one of us is completed in the other like we feel literally naked without our clothes. Literally, we are not complete without our clothes. We cannot be seen in public without our clothes. So Allah is saying the spouse compliments you. The spouse protects you. The spouse makes you feel full.

And indeed, our Lord mentions of His miracles and of His blessings. Allah says in the Quran:

He is the one who has created man from water. And lo and behold, from this water you have become a person. And then what? He has given him progeny and extended family. وَصِهْرًا And the Arabic word صهر actually means the family through the in-laws as well.

صهر actually means the family through the in-laws as well. So it is as if Allah is saying that of His blessings, of His miracles, is the extended family. Even the family that is not even your blood family, which is the extended family of the in-laws.

Why? Because through your children, your in-law is literally related to you by your blood. Your child, his grandmother and grandfather, through your spouse, it is related to you by blood. So Allah is saying of His miracles, of the blessings He has given you, is all of this family, the extended family.

Responsibilities Within Marriage

And therefore dear brothers and sisters in Islam, when Allah has blessed us with this blessing of the family, with every blessings comes responsibility. With every blessings comes trials as well, comes difficulties. Because there is no blessing that comes with no strings attached.

And indeed, we all know that the family is the building block of a society. We all know that a healthy society must be composed of a healthy family. We all know that if family is happy, society is happy.

And therefore, our religion has stressed, our Quran has stressed, our Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم has stressed that we need to work on our marriages. We need to work on finding that happiness within the family. So in today's short khutbah, I want to remind myself and all of you, of some of the responsibilities that we have when we are a part of a family.

When we are a part of a family. And today's khutbah will concentrate on the husband and the wife. And inshaAllah in a later khutbah, we'll talk about greater responsibilities of the extended family.

The Special Bond of Marriage

Realize that in particular when it comes to the husband and the wife, there is no doubt that the Quran mentions this relationship more than it mentions any other relationship of the family. And our Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم talked about this special bond in many ahadith. Of the most beautiful he said:

(Muslim 1467)

"This whole world is nothing but mata'a. And mata'a means pleasure and amusement. That which brings about happiness. This dunya is not eternal. This dunya is mata'a. You will enjoy it for a while then you will move on. And then he said, and in this whole world, the best mata'a is a righteous spouse."

The best way to have a good life, he is saying. The best way to enjoy a good life is to have a good spouse. Without a good spouse, without having that good relationship, then this world will not give you that type of mata'a.

It will not give you that type of enjoyment. The enjoyment will always be partial. The full enjoyment he said, the best enjoyment you can obtain, is the enjoyment that you can obtain from a righteous spouse.

The Story of Adam and the Importance of Companionship

And this is demonstrated even in the creation of our father Adam. Which I mentioned in the classes that I was doing here at MIC. When we talked about the story of Adam. That I said one of the most interesting points of the story of Adam.

Which is even a somewhat romantic point. Is that when Allah created Adam. And before he asked Adam to enter Jannah. Allah created immediately right then and there. Before causing him to enter Jannah. Allah created Hawa as his partner.

And then when the two of them existed. Allah said to the two of them, Oh both of you go into Jannah and eat and drink and be merry. It is as if you cannot fully enjoy eating and drinking. Even living in Jannah will be incomplete without a family. So Allah created Adam's family. Before he told Adam go and enjoy Jannah.

Because you can't even enjoy Jannah without having a family with you. And this is of the beautiful stories of the Quran. Which actually goes against or contradicts the Bible.

Because in the Bible it's a different version. That Adam was lonely and Adam is wandering. And Adam says I want somebody and I want companionship. In the Quranic version Allah knows what Adam wants. And Allah knows that Adam will not be happy even in Jannah. Unless he has somebody at his side.

So even before Adam enters Jannah in the Quranic version. Even before Adam enters Jannah. Allah creates a spouse for him.

Finding Peace in Marriage

And this is of the romantic if you like benefits we can extract. From the wisdom of the story of Adam. And therefore brothers and sisters. If the best enjoyment and the best pleasure of this world is a righteous spouse. Then each of the two spouses, husband and wife. Each of them. They need to work to ensure that their marriage is the best marriage.

And wallahi it is true. And it is said by many people Muslim and non-Muslim. That when everything is happy inside the house. Everything will be good outside of the house. When a person is blessed with a good family. With a good marriage. When the family is good. Then every other problem outside can be born. You can bear it.

Everything else is doable. But when the family is in disaster. When the family is in ruin. When you are not happy inside the house. Then no matter how much happiness you get outside the house. You will not feel happy.

And this is the reality that Allah referenced in the Quran. Because what verb did he use to describe family living?

(Quran 30:21)

And of course sukoon doesn't just mean living. It means finding peace.

And I mentioned this many times before. That Allah doesn't say (لِتَسْكُنُوا مَعَهَا) He says (لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا) And there is a profundity that the fluent speakers of Arabic will understand. You will find your sukoon when you turn towards her. When you embrace her. When you literally are together. (إِلَيْهَا) You have to find sukoon together.

If you try to find sukoon by yourself, it's not going to happen. So both husband and wife, they need to work on finding that sukoon. Both husband and wife, they both have to find the sukoon together. (لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا) And they're not going to find it individually.

Rights of the Husband

And therefore let us remind ourselves of some of the primary responsibilities that the husband has over the wife. And some of the primary responsibilities that the wife has over the husband.

Let us begin by talking about the rights that the husband has over the wife. What must the wife do to bring about that happiness in the family? And no doubt, and this is a part of our shariah, and we do not apologize about this. That Allah has indeed placed the man in a certain degree of privilege above the woman when it comes to the rights of the marriage.

Not when it comes to spirituality, they are equal. Not when it comes to their work, in the eyes of Allah they are equal. But when it comes to the legal rights of the marriage. Then no doubt there has to be one person who drives the ship. One person who steers the marriage. One person who's in charge.

And it is quite clear in our religion that it is the man who has one daraja as the Quran says. One degree.

(2:228 Quran)

That men have one daraja over that of their wives.

And this is in perfect harmony with how Allah created us. So, of the primary responsibilities of the wife is to understand that Allah, and not the husband, not the man. Allah has placed her husband in that one degree.

Notice Allah did not say that men are masters over women. Allah did not say men must subjugate women. Allah did not say that men are the lords over women. Rather, look at the phrasing and the Arabs understand this. (وَلِلرِّجَالِ عَلَيْهِنَّ دَرَجَةٌ) Men have just one degree. That's it.

It's not as if there's competition. Rather, if there is to be a superiority, men have just a slight bit more privilege than women. And Allah says very clearly in the Quran:

(4:34 Quran)

Men are responsible for the women.

Qawam has many meanings and of them is, number one, they are responsible. We'll talk about this in a little while. Number two, they are in charge. Qaim means the one who's in charge. قيوم, قائم of Allah's names is قائم And the same root comes .الحي القيوم

And so Allah says (الرّجَالُ قَوَّامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ) And therefore, a wife needs to understand that Allah has created this paradigm, this gender relationship. Not men, this isn't some chauvinism, this isn't some man subjugating women. The believing woman needs to realize, it is Allah who has created this world.

The Importance of Respect

And He has put in it a certain methodology to live and operate. And of that methodology, the man is the one who needs to be respected. And this is of the most important rights that the wife has to give to the husband.

That when the wife respects her husband, then the husband will return that respect with love. The husband will return that respect with nurturing, with caring. Every single man, what he truly desires from his wife is that he be respected.

And our Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم understood this, our Lord understands it. Because He created us this way. Our Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said in a very famous hadith, and no doubt people make fun of this hadith, they abuse it sometimes, they take it to extreme, but let us take it at its face value.

In one hadith our Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said, and this hadith is reported in Abu Dawood, in Tirmidhi an-Nisa'i, in Musnad Ahmad, lots of different narrations. He said:

(Abu Dawood 2140, Tirmidhi 1159)

"I do not allow any human to prostrate in front of another. It's haram. But if I were to have allowed it, then I would have commanded the wife to do sajda in front of her husband. Because of the rights that he has over her."

Now this is a very deep hadith. And it is clear of course that we are not allowed to do sajda, we are not allowed to prostrate. But our Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم is striking a point, he is putting something into perspective. And he is saying something, that wallahi every man knows, even if they don't know how to say it.

And that is, what makes a man truly feel like a man, is when his wife respects him. When his wife gives him the izzah that he deserves. When his wife does not mock him, does not belittle him, does not sarcastically brush him away.

When his wife does not treat him like his mother. If a woman were to do this, then she is asking for destruction upon herself. And this is something that modern psychologists are also now finally realizing.

After they went through a phase in the 40s, 50s, 60s, of a feminist type of thought and revolution. Now they are finally returning back full circle. And they are realizing, look, they call it in the nature of men, we say Allah created men this way.

That men need respect from their wives. And when their wives respect them, they will return back that respect with the ultimate love, the ultimate protection. Wives, if you want your husbands to love you, you want your husbands to nourish you, you want your husbands to literally be at your back and call, and wallahi this is the case.

All you need to do is respect them. And when you respect them, they will literally become men for you. Because this is how Allah created us.

The Right of Intimacy

And a part of that respect, and let me be a little bit frank here, a part of that respect which is emphasized in our Quran and sunnah, is the right of the husband to be intimate with his wife. We all know that the Quran and the sunnah is very explicit in this regard. That when the husband desires the wife, and he calls her to that act, and he wants her.

We all know that our Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم has said, a woman is never allowed to refuse, unless of course she is genuinely sick, or she is in her menses or something. But otherwise, just because she's tired, just because she doesn't feel like it, she should not say no to her husband. Now, we need to realize, that when a woman says no, this isn't just the act that she's turning down.

This is the height of disrespect. That the husband is saying, I want you, I'm interested. And the wife turns the cold shoulder, turns the other side.

And this hurts the husband's ego more than anything else. And frankly brothers and sisters, this is something again even non-Muslims are learning to recognize. If you read any modern book, written in the last decade or so, about marital relations, about husband and wife relations, you will all see that every single modern psychologist, modern psychiatrist is discovering the same thing.

That if the husband is respected, and if this issue, and that is the issue of intimacy, is good in a marriage, then everything else the husband overlooks. Everything else he'll try to work around. Well, pretty much everything else.

And one statistic I read, some survey has said that, 95% of marital problems from the husband, come because he's not happy in the bedroom. And wallahi, this is not too far from the truth. If you make a husband feel respected, and you give him this urge that he has, then he will overlook many faults.

But if this urge is not satisfied, then what's gonna happen? Every single small issue will become a big one. Why was the food salty? Why is this that way? Why is this dish over here? Why did you do that? Why did you do this? And the wife will not understand the cause for this pettiness. But this cause is because the husband has been disrespected.

It is because the husband has not been given the izzah that he deserves. And this is why our shariah, knowing the reality of men, has put this into check. And our Lord and our Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم have been so strict on this issue.

We all know the hadith of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلمin which he said:

(Bukhari 5194, Muslim 1436)

"If the husband is angry at his wife, because she doesn't come for this deed, then the angels of the heavens curse her until the morning."

Think about this. Why would our religion be so strict? Because Allah created us, and Allah knows that if this aspect is given, then the marriage is generally, generally speaking, then the other faults will be overlooked.

And if this is not given, then other faults come about.

The Path to Jannah Through Marriage

Also, our wives, our sisters need to realize that as wives, Allah has given their husbands an amount of respect that is honestly amazing. Our Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said:

"Any woman who fasts her Ramadan, and says her five prayers, and obeys her husband, shall enter Jannah."

Subhanallah. Entering Jannah has become linked to obeying the husband. As long as she does the wajibat, she has to pray five times a day, fast Ramadan, and then basically obeys her husband.

In another hadith, our Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said:

"Any woman who dies, while her husband is happy with her, shall enter Jannah."

And obviously this is if she has done the requirements of being a good Muslim, which is to pray and fast and give zakah and what not. If she does these things, and then her husband is pleased with her, then she shall enter Jannah.

Now why would our religion be so strict about this issue? Because the happiness of the husband comes from the happiness of the wife. And the happiness of society comes from the happiness of the marriage. So honestly, literally, it is as if the wife in her hand, she has the whole society.

Because if she destroys the husband, the marriage is destroyed. If the marriage is destroyed, the children is destroyed. If the children is destroyed, society is destroyed.

So to put this big burden on her, our Lord has in fact told her, you know what? You have Jannah, if you make your husband happy. This becomes her primary duty, after worshipping Allah. Because literally, the happiness of society comes from her.

If she makes the husband happy, the family is happy. If the family is happy, society is happy. So what does our Lord say? Pray your prayers, fast your Ramadan, be good to your husband, you're going to Jannah.

And realize again my dear sisters, if you have iman in Allah and in His messenger, this is not from a chauvinist male. This is from your creator. And this is from the prophet that you believe in.

It is not coming from a person that wishes to subjugate you. It is coming from the one who created you and me. And he knows you and me better than we do.

And he knows society, and he knows what society needs. And so the bottom line, my dear sisters in Islam, realize that the ultimate, the ultimate responsibility that you have is to respect your husband in a manner that brings about that love, brings about that comfort. And I have referenced a book in the classes that I taught, and it is called, The Submissive Wife.

It is written by a woman who is a non-Muslim, she's a feminist. And she went through two failed marriages. And then she was asking herself, why am I having these failed marriages? Perhaps I'm being too harsh, too stubborn, I'm trying to be too domineering in the relationship.

So she turned around, she flipped around totally. And she said, let me be feminine again. Let me be feminine. Let my husband take charge. And she then writes this book of her own experiences. That being a submissive wife, and by submissive we don't mean astaghfirullah, she should take any abuse.

No, we don't mean this. We mean she should give her husband the right that her husband has. Which is that he be in charge of the marriage. He be the one literally, metaphorically driving the car. Literally the one in charge of the marriage, right? He wears the pants in the family as they say. When she began doing this, what happened? She had the best marriage.

And it was the most successful marriage. And she said, I need to chronicle all of this. And she wrote a good book that I reference you to read it. It's called The Submissive Wife. You will find it on every single bookstore. These are some of the rights over the husband that he has over the wife.

Rights of the Wife

How about the other way around? The rights that the wife has over the husband. No doubt once again our religion understands that the woman is a fragile creature. Her needs are very different than that of the man.

And the primary need that the woman has is to feel comforted. Is to feel protected. The woman needs to feel safe. She needs to feel protected. She needs to feel the love of her husband. And if she does not feel that love, then the marriage will never be successful.

And by the way I want to reiterate here. The primary thing that the man wants is to be respected. And the primary emotion that the woman wants is to be loved. Is to be adored. Is to be protected. And this is a beautiful concept of human psychology which modern psychiatrists have pointed out.

That when the man is respected, he shows love. And when the woman is loved, she shows respect. It's actually a circular relationship. When you give what the other partner wants, you will receive what you want in return. And husbands I tell you now, very explicitly here. If you don't treat your wife with love,

with tenderness, with compassion, how do you expect her to treat you with respect? If you treat your wife harshly, rudely, crudely, do you expect her to have that treatment back to you in return? That you want? As you give unto her, so you shall receive back.

Treating Wives with Kindness

And this is exactly the message of our Quran and our Sunnah. Our Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم . In fact before this Allah says in the Quran:

Live with women in kindness. معروف means, do that which is admirable. We can say in our modern English, be a gentleman to them. This is really how the verse translates. That be a gentleman to them. Act with them in a manner that will bring about what you want in return.

And our Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم reminded men to be gentle with women:

(Bukhari 5186, Muslim 1468)

"I command you to treat women in kindness, in good."

And he told us that, Oh men, women are not going to be like you want them to be. They are created from a part of Adam, he said from the rib of Adam. And he said the rib of Adam is not the straight part. The woman is not going to be like you want. You think you are straight, from your perspective the woman is not going to be straight.

So if you expect her to act like you want her to act, the marriage is going to break. Rather he said, overlook her faults, be good to her. استوصوا بِالنِّسَاءِ خَيْرًا Be good to women.

And in another hadith he said:

(Tirmidhi 3895, Ibn Majah 1977)

"The best of you are those who are best to their wives. And I am the best to my wives."

And in fact in the very last khutbah that he gave, in front of a 100,000 people in Hajjatul Wada, what did he say? He said:

"O men, fear Allah with regards to your women. Fear Allah."

The Prophet's Warning About Treatment of Women

Why? Why is he using the word fear? Because, and this is the sad reality, that a man and a woman, a husband and a wife, they are cut off from society. Society does not know what's happening in the bedroom, in the living room, in the kitchen.

They don't know. And the man is the physically more powerful one. So many times the man will be abusive. Physically abusive. Emotionally abusive. And society does not know.

And so our Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said, O men, if you think you have power over women, how about the power of Allah over you? How about the power of Allah over you? Remember, that as you treat women, Allah is watching you. So in the very last khutbah that he gave in front of that 100,000 audience, what did he say? (اتَّقُوا اللَّهَ فِي النِّسَاءِ) Have the taqwa of Allah when it comes to dealing with your wives. Imagine such a big gathering, such an auspicious gathering.

And what did he remind them of? So many things he could have said. But you see once again, family is not a trivial matter. Family is the building block of society.

And an entire paragraph of that khutbah tul wada, an entire paragraph is dedicated to the family. Because once again, it is one of the most important elements that our religion has come to preserve. And so our Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) reminded men, that fear Allah when it comes to women.

Remember, that yes, you might be more physically powerful. Yes, you might have the domineering personality. But what you do to them, Allah is watching you.

Don't abuse that power. Don't abuse that power over women. And in fact, and I have to say something that, it is considered taboo, we don't like to talk about it.

But wallahi it is my job, and it is the job of all ulema, to talk about this issue. And that is the issue of spousal abuse. It is the issue of being physical, of domestic violence.

The Issue of Domestic Violence

Brothers and sisters realize, that our Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم)he forbade, initially he forbade any type of beating. And he made it haram. And then it so happened that, the women began to be a little bit more arrogant and rude, and they would respond back.

And so Umar ibn Khattab begged for permission, that O Messenger of Allah, let us discipline them like we used to discipline them. And so the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) رخص which means he reluctantly agreed. The next morning, so when the news spread, that he has allowed it, as it was forbidden, now he has made it halal.

When the news spread, that okay, it is allowed, if your wife is rude, that you can do this and that. The next morning, over 50 ladies came to complain to the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) that my husband has been physical, my husband has beat me. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) called the khutbah.

It wasn't Friday, it was not Jumu'ah. He called the khutbah. He told the people to come to the masjid. And all of the people of Medina came. And he made a general announcement. He said:

"Today many women came to my house complaining about their husbands. These husbands, they are not the best of you. They are not the best of you."

And he discouraged them from being physical with their wives. And he said in one hadith:

(Bukhari 5204)

"How could one of you hit your wife like you hit your animals? This is what you do to a cow, a sheep, a goat, a horse. How could you hit your wife like you hit your animal? And then the same night you go, and then you sleep next to her or you sleep with her. How could you do this?"

Meaning it's the height of inhumanity. Your wife is not an animal that you treat her like an animal. And I say this as bluntly as possible. O men, any amongst you who beats his wife, wallahi this person is not a man.

Any man who beats his wife, he is not a man. And O sisters, if your husband is being abusive, if your husband is being physical, then get help. Especially if that abuse is a threat to your life, it is a threat to your dignity and honor, get help from those who will help you.

From your extended family and friends, from society, from the people in the masjid. Do not allow a person to threaten your life, even if that person is your husband. Our shariah does not allow such type of abuse.

And we have to be very frank and firm here, that astaghfirullah, some of our cultures, some of our Islamic cultures, Muslim cultures, I have to say this sadly, they have misused and abused these principles. And they have considered it to be permissible for a man to beat his wife. My dear brothers and sisters in Islam, my dear brothers and sisters in Islam, our Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) is the ultimate role model.

The Prophet's Example

And Aisha said in a hadith in Bukhari:

(Bukhari 6853)

"Wallahi, the Prophet's hand never hit a woman or a servant in his whole life. He never once raised his hand except fee sabeelillah, in the battlefield, in jihad."

That's what you call manhood. Not in the house against an innocent woman, against somebody who is smaller than you, weaker than you, punier than you, and then you think you're gonna be the man by

hitting her. How do you think you will bring about a healthy relationship? How do you think your wife is gonna respect you if you raise your hand against her?

And if there are problems, and no doubt sometimes there are problems, realize that being physical is not the way to solve it. I am not saying that women are all innocent in that they don't have any problems. Yes, they might have some issues. But do you think being physical with them will bring about the respect that you want?

And so my dear brothers in Islam, our shariah has commanded us to be gentlemen with our wives. Our shariah has said, the best of us are those who are best to our women. And our Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said that I am the best to my wife.

And I conclude here, and I conclude here by reminding ourselves, before I move on to the second khutbah with some more practical advice, by reminding ourselves that our Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم) he lived the ideal life, we all acknowledge this. And in his years of being married to so many women, he was married to nine wives as we know when he passed away, (صلى الله عليه وسلم)

In all of those years, Aisha says he never once rebuked his wife. He never once raised his voice. He never once hit them. And this is the height of the akhlaaq and the manners that our Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) demonstrated. And in the second khutbah, we'll talk about some more practical advice that are gonna be coming.

Second Khutbah - Practical Advice for Marriage

Understanding Human Nature

My dear brothers and sisters in Islam. Realize that a marriage is a union of two people and it is impossible for two people to live together except that some issues will come about. You have problems with your boss, with your co-workers, you have problems with those you're sitting next to in the bus or the train or in the airplane. How can you not have problems with the one you're spending 20, 30, 40, 50 years of your life with?

To have marital problems is a part and parcel of being human. It's impossible for a marriage not to have its ups and downs. The goal is that there are more ups than downs. That's really the goal. Every marriage will have its ups and downs. And the successful marriage is the one that the good is more than the bad. Not that there is no bad.

And anybody who thinks this before they are married because no married couple can think this way. Anybody who thinks this is being naive and you're setting yourself up for trouble.

Learning from the Prophet's Marriage

And of the best illustrations for this is the fact that our own Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم) had marital problems. And wallahi it is mind-boggling when you think about it. And yet it is also one of the biggest mercies from Allah. If Allah had wanted to He could have made the marriage of our Prophet صلی الله عليه وسلم with his wives to be absolutely ideal. In that, they never once had a fight.

But you see if he made it that ideal. It would have become a superhuman marriage. Is that not true? Right? And if that were to have happened. We could not have benefited from him (صلى الله عليه وسلم) when he had marital disputes. For him to be a true role model for us. He had to go through somewhat of what we also go through.

And so we have multiple incidents. That even Aisha and our Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم). Hafsa and our Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) . They're having issues back and forth. Sometimes a little bit of tension. And in all of this. We learn how we overcome that tension. We learn what is to be done.

And inshallah when I summarize some of the etiquettes that we learn from the Quran, from the Sunnah and from human psychology, from common sense.

Steps for Self-Reflection

The first practical advice is that every spouse needs to realize that just like your spouse is not perfect, just like your spouse has faults, you need to realize you have faults as well. It's very easy for you to pick the faults of your spouse. But realize that your spouse also finds legitimate faults in you.

This is the first step to having a healthy discussion and dialogue. To realize we're both human. You know what, I have some complaints about my wife. But I'm sure she has to have legitimate complaints about me. Because after all I'm human. I'm not superhuman, I'm not an angel. I must have my faults.

Every one of us has to come to the negotiating table with this in mind. If anyone thinks that he or she is perfect. Wallahi you are being arrogant. And you're setting yourself and your marriage up for failure. No one is perfect. You might have ten, twenty things about your spouse to have a problem with, maybe they're legitimate. But you have to realize. Maybe your spouse has a longer list than you do. And even if she doesn't have a long list. She must have a list. Because you are human. And so you have to have faults as well.

Focusing on the Positive

Another point we need to realize is that every list that you have of faults and problems with your spouse, realize that you will have a longer list of good qualities. But the problem is you take the good for granted.

You overlook the good. You don't appreciate the good.

Our Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said:

(Muslim 1469)

"Let no believing man hate his wife. Let no mu'min hate a mu'mina. Let no husband who's a Muslim hate his Muslim wife. Don't hate your wives, why? Even if you dislike one characteristic, you will like others."

Beautiful hadith. Profound. Even if there's a legitimate, maybe it's a legitimate problem. Maybe she has a sharp tongue, maybe she does. But then she's a loving mother to your children. Maybe she spends a lot more than you would like her to spend, maybe. But then she treats you well in the house. She keeps your house in order.

So whatever problem you have. Our Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) is saying, think about the good as well. Think about the positive as well. And this is another important element to have a healthy marriage. That don't just concentrate on the negative. It's a human nature to take the good for granted.

Divine Promise for Reconciliation

Also realize, dear brothers and sisters, that Allah has given us a beautiful reminder in the Quran. A good news that every couple should jump up for and rejoice when they read it and they listen to it and they believe in it. And this good news is universal to every Muslim couple. Allah says in the Quran:

In this simple phrase, every troubled couple, every marriage that is on the rocks, every single couple that is having problems, wallahi they should jump for joy. Or to be more honest, they should fall down in sajdah thankfulness to Allah.

What does the verse say? Allah says, if the both of them, husband and wife, if the both of them genuinely want to resolve their problems, Allah will solve their problem for them. Allah has taken on a guarantee. This is a guarantee in the Quran. But there is only one condition. Just one. Both parties want to come to the table with an open heart. That's all.

إِنْ يُرِيدَا إصللَاحًا يُوَفِّقِ اللَّهُ بَيْنَهُمَا If both of them truly want to form a relationship, they want to forget the past, they want to move on, then Allah will bring about that reconciliation between them. And that's a beautiful, beautiful passage that should bring hope to every troubled marriage.

Conflict Resolution Process

Brothers and sisters, when your marriage is in trouble:

Approach your spouse directly

Be honest, be polite, be firm, be frank. Don't be condescending, don't be demeaning. Don't speak when you're angry. Speak in a calm manner and explain the problems.

If the problems get worse, reach out to family and friends. As Allah says in the Quran:

"[And if you fear dissension between the two, send an arbitrator from his people and an arbitrator from her people. If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause it between them. Indeed, Allah is ever Knowing and Acquainted [with all things].]"

The couple should reach out to family and friends and have an arbitrator, have a neutral party. Let the husband reach out to a family or friend, a senior member. Let the wife reach out, and then the two of them try to resolve their conflict. And our Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) helped out many times in his life in the marriages of other people.

And if this does not work, then the only resort is divorce. And even in divorce, brothers and sisters, the Quran has so much to say that even divorce should be done with good. Allah says even divorce should be done upon good terms. Okay, some marriages don't work out, this is the reality. And our shariah allows for a good exit, an honorable exit. And this exit should not be one that is filthy, that is dirty.

Even in divorce, Allah reminds you:

"[Either keep [her] in an acceptable manner or release [her] with good treatment.]"

Either keep your wife in good, or let her go in good. If you're gonna keep her, be good. And if you're going to let her go, then also be good as you go. A divorce does not have to be filthy or dirty or bitter. No, the shariah does not require, or does not encourage or does not want this type of divorce.

And that is why, even at the time of divorce, our shariah says the husband has to give an extra gift to his wife, subhanallah. You don't give gifts at the divorce in this society. But what does the shariah say? That

give them a gift. At the end of divorce, give them a gift. So that there's no bitterness left in the heart.

Proper Divorce Procedures

And brothers and sisters, this is a long topic. And the time is of the essence here. But I just want to point out one thing. And that is, that our shariah has a mechanism to make divorce reasonable and not unreasonable. That even if a divorce is taking place. Then the shariah says you are not allowed to divorce in a state of anger. You have to calm down. And you have to wait until your wife finishes a cycle. You're not allowed to divorce a woman in her menses. Why? Because we now know that in her menses, a woman, she is a little bit more overreactive. She's a little bit more, you know, finicky. So the shariah says in her menses? No, you cannot even divorce her. You have to wait until her menses finishes.

If you have been intimate with her, then you cannot divorce her until that entire cycle is over. And the next cycle begins. Why? You calm down. Divorce is never done in the state of haste in the shariah. If you wish to divorce, it must be done in a state of calmness. In a state of premeditation. You think about it. You let some weeks go by. Then she finishes a cycle. Then you don't touch her. Then you divorce her. One divorce.

One of the biggest problems we have is that brothers in their anger they utter three divorces. No, this is a big mistake. And I have to say this in the khutbah because we don't want these problems to come later on. If you feel that a divorce is the only way out, after all else has failed, then follow the proper methodology of divorce. Find out how to divorce Islamically.

Divorce is done after a purity cycle is over. And you haven't touched her. You are not allowed to divorce a woman you have been intimate with until the cycle is over. You are not allowed to divorce a woman in the menses. You have to be calm. You have to wait. You have to wait until she finishes one cycle. She becomes pure. She takes the bath. Then you give one divorce. And then you do not touch her for three cycles. And she is required in the shariah to live in your house. Why? Because Allah is asking you, are you sure you want to divorce her? Can you live without her? Ok, then live without her for three months under the same roof. Don't touch her. Don't kiss her. Don't be physical. Don't be romantic. Three months in the same house the shariah requires. Look at the mechanism set up. You really don't want to live with her? Prove it. And after three months. If you have not touched her. Then she becomes a free woman. And she goes to another house after this. Look at the mechanism set up for divorce.

And this is a long topic. But the bottom line is, even if divorce takes place, the shariah has a beautiful mechanism to ensure that both parties genuinely want to move on and move on to other marriages.

The Ultimate Test of Character

Brothers and sisters in Islam. Let us conclude this khutbah. And inshallah there will be future khutbahs about this issue as well. Let us conclude this khutbah by reminding ourselves of that beautiful hadith of the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم):

(Tirmidhi 1162)

"The most perfect of believers in their iman is the one who has the best manners. And the best of you are the ones who are the best to their families."

The most perfect of believers are those who have the best manners. But who is the ultimate judge of how your manners are? It's not public. It's not your co-workers. It's not the person you're sitting next to for 20-30 minutes. It is your life companion.

If your life companion can testify you have good manners, if your husband, your wife can testify that you know what, despite all of his flaws, he truly is a gentleman. She truly acts like a lady. Whenever she's angry, whenever he's angry, they can still control their anger. If you can be a good spouse to your husband, to your wife, that is the ultimate test of manners. And if you have passed the manners test, you have passed the iman test.

And for this khutbah there will be other khutbahs as well.

Closing Duas

"O Allah, I am making du'a, so say ameen. O Allah, do not leave us in this noble day with a sin except that You forgive it, nor a worry except that You relieve it, nor a debt except that You settle it, nor a sick person except that You heal him, nor a captive except that You ease his situation. O Allah, forgive us and our brothers who preceded us in faith, and do not put in our hearts any resentment toward those who have believed. Our Lord, indeed You are Kind and Merciful."

"O Allah, give might to Islam and the Muslims, and make it by Yourself, and make its destruction in its planning, O Strong, O Mighty."

Ibad Allah, indeed Allah Almighty has commanded you with a matter that He began with Himself, and then with the angels of His holiness, and then with you, O believers, from His jinn and humans, so He said, the Most Mighty, the All-Knowing:

"Indeed, Allah and His angels send blessings upon the Prophet. O you who have believed, ask [Allah to confer] blessing upon him and ask [Allah to grant him] peace."

O Allah, send blessings and peace and grace upon Your servant and Messenger Muhammad and upon his family and all his companions.

"Servants of Allah, indeed Allah commands justice and good conduct and giving to relatives and forbids immorality and bad conduct and oppression. He admonishes you that perhaps you will be reminded."

"Remember Allah, the Great, He will remember you. And thank Him, He will increase you [in favor]. And remembrance of Allah is greater. And Allah knows that which you do, and establish prayer."