Culture Clash Immigrant Muslims Raising Children

And you know, and I've said this before and I'm seeing this with my own kids now. You think your parents are stifling you? You think that they're putting all these conditions on you? Wallahi, mark my words. And then you will see them in your own life. Mark my words. You will be stricter with your kids than your parents were with you.

You know why? You know why? Because you know more than your parents did about life in America. You know more than your parents did. Your parents think we're all innocent. We all know what we do outside of school. You know, it's just a reality. Our parents have no clue of our real lives. We know that, right?

Our parents, you know, they think that everybody else's kids does that, not their own kids. We know how we live. We've lived our lives and we continue to live our lives. We know the secrets we keep from our parents. We know that.

Now, those secrets, you don't want your kids doing what you yourself did. Correct? You do not want your kids doing what you yourself did. So you know what? You're going to be even stricter. And you will monitor even more than your own parents did.

So don't fool yourself and don't think that, oh, when I have my kids... No, that's not gonna happen. Wallahi, you will have the same issues and the same clashes. And your kid will think he knows it all. And you're gonna try to want to make him the best. It's all a sign of love.

You want the best for this kid. You want the best you've given your life for this kid. You go to work motivated by your kid. You wake up in the morning because you want to sacrifice your money, your wealth, your time for their education, for their future. Nothing is able to take your money as easily as your children and their education and their... You know, just everything. This is a part of being a parent.

So my point is, when you have your own children, you will be even more stifling and asphyxiating upon them because you've been there and done that. So don't fool around with yourself and don't think you're gonna be any different. The fact of the matter is this is human nature.

Because you want the best for them, because you want everything that you didn't have or maybe you want to make sure they don't do what you've done, you will in fact enforce more of a rule upon them than your parents did upon you.

Three Advice Points for Parents

So remember these three advice for the youth. Once again reiterate, number one, love. Your parents love you more than anybody else. Not your children, not your spouse. Nobody on earth will ever love you like your parents.

And I've given a khutbah, which is online. It's called incomparable love. I suggest you listen to that. Incomparable love. About the love that parents have for their children.

Number two, experience. Your parents have more experience than you about what really matters in life. Not accents and not how to act and not how to dress and not how to look GQ. They know human beings

better than you ever will. Ever. Because even when you're 30, 40 years old, your parents are still alive. They have 40 years more than you still. As long as your parents are alive, they'll always be one up over you.

And number three, realize that you will be perhaps even more stifling with your kids than your parents were with you.

1. Be a Nourisher, Not a Dictator

Advice to the parents. The parents now, realize that Allah Azzawajal has given you a role. That role is not to be a dictator. That role is not to control each and every matter of the lives of your children. But that role is that of murabbi. That role is that of a nourisher.

And that nourishment will be a lot when it's a seedling. And as the seedling grows, that nourishment will minimize. This is what your role is. So don't think short term, think long term. Think what's gonna happen to this child 15, 20 years down the line if I treat him in this manner versus that manner. Don't think short term, think long term.

Remember that your child might go ways and do things you don't like. But in the long run, you want your child to have this perception, I can always go back to my mother and father no matter what I do. You don't want your child to, as soon as they're independent, leave the house. And that's what's happening.

A number of households, we know this. And Imam Majid, they've experienced this in the counseling of the community. I know places, where as soon as the kids found a job, because the home environment was so stifling, they hated it so much, they just disappeared.

Realize that thinking long term will save you in this regard. Your role is to provide an atmosphere of love, an atmosphere of comfort. No doubt you'll be strict at times. But think long term even when it comes to the strictness.

And also by the way, within this point, realize that sometimes you might not be the best person to talk to them about some issue that they have. This is something the parents simply doesn't register for them.

Lessons from Luqman

And notice in the story of Luqman, alayhis salaam. The story of Luqman is a beautiful advice, right? From father to son, right? And it begins:

"O my son"

Ya bunay, Ya bunay, Ya bunay. But there's only one commandment, it's not Ya bunay. Allah speaks it directly. The father doesn't advise the son. And that commandment deals with treating the parents with respect. Read the story, I don't have time to go into the details of this. But it's a really fascinating matter in the Quran.

That the parent, Luqman says, Oh my son, pray. Oh my son, be conscious of Allah. Oh my son, walk peacefully on earth. Oh my son, always have taqwa of Allah. Oh my son, don't commit shirk. And then Allah says:

"And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. Be good to them."

Your Lord has decreed that you shall treat your parents nicely. It doesn't say, Luqman told his son, treat me nicely. You see the difference, right? Allah says directly, Your Lord has... you that decreed has Lord Your shall treat your parents nicely.

Now there's a lot of tafseer going on here that we don't have time to get into. But one point here that some of the scholars said, sometimes the parent is not the best person to give that advice to the kid. Because there's a clash of interest here. And it will be dismissed easily.

And that doesn't just apply to treatment of parents. Overall, look at the situation and scenario. Perhaps sometimes going to Imam Majid, going to the counselor is better than you yourself giving advice to the kid.

2. Treat Your Kids with Respect and Maturity

The second point that I want to bring up, treat your kids with respect and maturity. This to me is one of the biggest issues that I find. That there's always this trivialization. No doubt you know more than your kid. We all know this as parents, you know more than your kid. But you know, your kid also needs to learn some things of life by himself or herself.

Treat them with an element of maturity. And realize that in our sharia, a child becomes an adult at the age of 13 or 14. Not 18, not 19. A child becomes fully baligh at the age of 13 or 14. Maximum scholars say is 15. As soon as puberty hits, that child is no longer a child.

In our religion, there's no such thing as adolescence. There's no interim, where you're a kid but you're not a kid. No such thing. That's the difference of our religion. You treat a 15 year old like an adult. And you know that's my philosophy. Any person who's 15 or above, I talk to them like an adult. I treat them like an adult.

And sometimes they're a bit shocked because they're not used to that treatment. Because these 15, 16 years old are treated like kids, they act like kids. They act like kids because we treat them like kids. Treat them like an adult.

And it's gonna take a while because they're not used to it. But give them that intellectual respect. Sit down and have an intellectual conversation with them like you would with an adult. Tell them about your life. Tell them what's happening in the world. And automatically your son or daughter will mature.

Stop treating them like kids because they are no longer children. And if that's the case when they're 14, well then by the time they're 9 or 10, you better start laying the foundations for that. This is in my humble

opinion, one of the biggest negatives of this culture we live in is that they always wanna make children more immature than they are.

And our sharia tells us to treat our children more mature. Make them basically think maturely and act maturely. So this is the second point. Treat your kids with maturity. Treat your kids as not equals, it's not gonna happen. But treat them with the respect and the intellectual maturity that they deserve.

3. Be Realistic About Cultural Change

And the final point I wanna ask the parents to think about. I want you to think about a simple again human phenomenon. No doubt it's a part of our nature we want our children to be like us as much as possible. We want them to keep our ways and our tradition.

But I ask you an honest question. How similar are you to your mother or your father? Your mother or your father, are you exactly like them? Or are you little bit different? Or are you very different? Of course we're all different. We're not clones of one another.

And so if you being a product of the same culture and the same civilization of your mother and father turned out so different from them, what do you think of somebody who's been born and raised in a culture that is radically different than the one you grew up in? It's not going to happen. And when you try to demand it, you're only asking for trouble.

Be realistic, be pragmatic. And this is a huge issue. This culture basically clash. You as an immigrant have never been treated by your parents the way that us as a second generation expect our parents to treat us.

What I'm trying to say is basically the way that our peers in the western part of the world, Americans are treated by their parents, our parents never treated us like that. That's never happened. We see the other kids and what their parents do with them. We know our parents don't do that to us. And that does affect us at some subconscious level.

Understand, you're not living in the world that you grew up in. It's a very different world. Over here, parents spend time with their kids, take them to the ballgame, do this, do that. That was not a culture that our grandparents did with our parents. It was a very different world.

When we see other kids, their parents doing that with them, spending time with them, taking stuff, you know, ridiculous things for us sometimes, but it's that concept of I care about you. I want to spend time with you. I want you to have a good time as well. When we see that, wallahi, the fact of the matter you feel, how come my parents don't do that with me? Then you realize it's our culture.

But that's not necessarily something that has to be positive. It can be changed. So you have decided, you who have immigrated here, you've decided to change your land and civilization. Realize that will come at a cost. And part of that cost, your etiquettes, your dealings with your second generation are going to change.

We, as people who have been born and raised here, cannot act the way you acted when you were our age. We cannot. Don't expect us to. And don't blame us when we act different than what you did. It's not our fault. We have grown up in a place and a time and a culture that is radically different than the 60s and 50s and 40s back home.

And this was a decision, with all respect, you made it. You made it. And now we are now being born and raised here based on that decision. Therefore, cut us some slack. Cut us some slack. Understand, there are elements you're going to preserve, and those elements need to be your religion, and tawheed, and prayer. And there's a lot of elements that will go out the window.

I'm sorry to break this bubble for you, but languages, Persian, Urdu, even Arabic, they are not going to last too long. Look around you. How many of us here who are from a Pakistani-Indian background are able to converse to each other in Urdu? How many of us? How many of us? Hardly any.

If this is the case for us when our parents still speak Urdu, how long do you think it's going to last? I'm pretty much sure my children and their grandchildren, they're not going to... I mean, I kind of sort of went past speaking Urdu. My kids barely speak anything. And I don't expect them to marry somebody who's going to speak fluent Urdu and then pass it down.

Be a bit realistic in this regard. Don't be... This is a decision, again, with all respect, you made it. And now you need to deal with that. This is a decision, you made it. Don't get angry if certain cultural elements are lost. And that's a deep topic in and of itself.

Make sure the more important elements are preserved. And those elements are religious in nature.

The Importance of Dua

So these are the three advice that I had for the youth, the three advice I had for the parents. And the last point, conclusion here. Parents and youth, both of you. Remember, dua. Dua for each other. Parents make dua for their kids, kids make dua for their parents. And this is the Quranic methodology.

Allah tells us in the Quran. Allah tells us in the Quran, so many duas for children and also duas for parents:

"Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes."

"My Lord, make me an establisher of prayer, and [many] from my descendants."

So dua, parents have to make for their children. And a blunt question, ask yourselves, how often do you make dua for your kids? How often? Similarly, children have to make dua for their parents:

"My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small."

It's a Quranic dua. O Allah, guide them, have mercy on them, just like they took care of me as I was a child. So make sure that dua for each other becomes a regular part of your ad'ia.

Every time you raise your hands, remember yourself, remember your friends, remember the good of this world and the next. But also remember, if you're a child, remember your parents. If you're a parent, remember your child.

And this inshaAllah ta'ala, not only will it increase your love for each other, not only will it make you better parents and children, most importantly, it will bring about the blessings of Allah. It will bring about the blessings of Allah when you make dua for one another. And that indeed is our ultimate goal as children, as parents, to enter into this blessing of Allah and be together in Jannah.

Speech by Imam Mohamed Magid

This topic that we are supposed to address today, it is extremely important. And brother Shad, Imam, have said to you, address it from my experience as the Imam in this masjid and a counselor, from the counseling perspective.

Understanding Generations

I would like to say that most of the problems that we see today between generations can be summarized in the following points that I would like to share with you. That most of us, those are parents, worried about whether their children don't speak the same language as they are. I'm not speaking about Urdu, or Farsi, or Arabic.

Meaning that, the same language of understanding of Islam, understanding their values, understanding where they come from. And we see very clear there is a sometimes generation gap or generation clashes.

In order for me to highlight those issues, I want to begin with the definition of generation. What is generation? Do you know? When you say generation, what do you mean by that? What is generation? How many years? 30 years? 10 years? It's become like an auction. Okay. 19 years.

Some of the masses that generation gap, the contemporary scholars, about 20 years of gap is called generation. But you have to look at this issue of generation from the Islamic history perspective. In Islamic perspective, they have the first jeal, it's called jeal. Jeal of Sahaba. The second jeal, jeal at-tabi'een. The third jeal is tabi'at-tabi'een.

Therefore, from Islamic perspective, there is also generations. But we need to see how those generations related to one another. Whenever we face with the situations where we believe there is a clash of

generations, whether in the community level or in the family level, we need to ask ourselves how Rasulullah (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ - Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) dealt with integration of the generations.

And therefore the word generation also means that a group of age or group of people where they share the same values and they have grow up with sharing the same kind of lifestyles. That's by the way the counseling, psychological, sociological interpretation of this.

Issues in Generation Gap

What are the issues that we see in the generation gap or clash of generations?

1. Different objectives and interests
2. Misunderstanding and communication between generations
3. The difference of values - People have different values and the frame of reference of those values
4. The absence of communication and connection within the generations
5. The lack of respecting the experience or the potential - either the experience of the elder or the experiences of the younger or the potential of the young people
6. Lack of appreciation - lack of appreciation within the generations. Either the older appreciating the younger or the younger not appreciating the older

If you look, those are the symptoms, those are the issues that I see in my counseling. Cause of this generations gap or clash of generations. Things we can do to turn this around and to take advantage of the generation gap to make something productive.

Solutions for Generation Integration

1. Believe in Overlapping Generations

Number one, those are the conditions. To believe in the overlapping of generations and integration of generations and the completion of one another, to complete one another. To believe that my children, they complete me, I complete them. And when the youth think of their parents like that and the parents think of their children youth like that, then their perspective changes.

An example of this is the generation of sahaba and tabi'in. You see the connection between the sahaba and tabi'in (رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُمْ جَمِيعًا) in how they transfer knowledge and how the young generation of Rasulullah (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ) was entrusted to responsibilities. It's like Osama bin Zayed having people like Muza'ab bin Umair.

The generation of young people, they were completely connected with the older generation of the sahaba or tabi'in. And there's many examples, but I'm speaking for 15 minutes. I just remind myself on that.

2. Learn from Experience

Number three is to learn from the experience of others. To seek experience of others. And my brothers, the young people who are sitting here, that a young person who's arrogant, who think that he knows it all, is a person who never have real understanding of the limitation.

And that's why when Nuh (عَلَيْهِ السَّلام) said to his son:

"Oh, my son, come aboard with us."

The son said, I'm a cool guy. I know it all. I know how to text messages. I know how to send instant messages. I'm a computer savvy. I'm the internet guru. I know things. Therefore, I'm not going to listen to you.

Therefore, his father said, join us. He said, no, no, no. I'm a young man. I'm going to climb the mountain:

I don't need your help. I don't need your protection. I know how to do these things. The father said, Don't fool yourself, son:

You will not be able to protect yourself. Because the son have not listened to the father, and he thought that he have more experience, more knowledge. His youth make him have an illusion:

He was surrounded with the waves and the water. And among those who have drowned.

3. Understanding Each Other's Language

The other thing that I say in my counseling, You have to understand the language of one another. I give you an example. You know that somebody gave me a gift of a book called, Five Languages of Love. Very interesting. You have heard of that book? Who heard of this book? Raise your hand. Okay. It's a very interesting book.

That sometime, people don't speak the same language because they don't know the prime language of the other person. Therefore, the parents, what they think of, that I want my child to be like me 100%. Especially my grandparents.

I want them to be pure Sudanese. I would like them to love everything about Sudan. Sudanese food. I don't like to like pizza. I like them to like Molokhia and Weka. I want them to eat with their five fingers, like to dip it on the dish. You know. Until they take them to Sudan and reality check. My children might be around here.

And then they have to use their hands to eat. Which is a beautiful thing by the way. I love this. The culture of people eating from the same plate. And therefore, you come from a culture where it asserts your

individual interest. And therefore, the individualism overtaken some of the youth.

It is my space. You heard of my space? My space. Not the computer one. But my space. Meaning like, you know, give me a space. You heard that expression? And the parents, sometimes they don't understand what the space means.

What do you mean I give you your space? You need to understand the language of the youth. Young people grow up in America. And if the space, you need to allow them to make some decisions. Allow them to think for themselves. With your guidance, we need to do that. And therefore, there's sometimes misunderstanding of this kind of language.

Now, sometimes parents focus on the means, not the outcome. I want you to do it my way. Father, mother, let us talk about it. I can do it this way and I can achieve the same thing. No, no, no, no. If I ask you to drive in Drensville, to come to Adam Center, don't go to the church road.

And sometimes, parents are not patient with that. Therefore, we have to concentrate on knowing the gap on the objectives, not in my Sudanese culture style. I have to do it my way. Now, I have to see what the outcome is.

4. Involvement in Decision Making

Number five is ability to have the young people be involved and the parents being involved in the decision-making. Some young people believe that their parents have nothing to do with their life. Therefore, they cannot share anything with them. They will not discuss anything with them. Nor the parents sometimes involve their children in the decision-making process.

And how you train people leadership and authority and conflict resolution other than involving them in decision-making and training to do so. And that, by the way, have impacted also sometimes our institutions. We believe that we need to exclude the youth from the participations of board or executive committees or other things like that.

5. Consistency Between Words and Actions

The last thing that I would like to see is the contradiction sometimes between what the parents are asking and what the parents do. You have heard that before? The parents say, don't do this, don't smoke. But the parents smoke.

A father or a mother would disrespect their spouse in front of their children and they demand from their children or the youth to respect them. Youth see that. That's why some of the reason that the youth talk back to their parents because they see the disrespect taking place in the household.

Dealing with Cultural Change

The last thing I want to say, the clash of culture, generation culture, between the old and the new culture. By the way, that's even in Egypt, even in Sudan. The generation culture, the computer culture, the internet culture, the cell phone culture, all of these things are some generation they have not experienced.

And therefore, difficulty to deal with the new reality. How we're going to face this, confront this reality of changing of the lifestyles of young people, the fast rhythm of life. Everything is drive-through. Even the salah becomes drive-through. Everything is speed, people's high speed and everything. And therefore, a person has to learn that.

And that's why there is a famous saying that prepare your children for a time is not your time. Imam Ali, may Allah protect him, said that.

Recommendations

Now, recommendations. Number one, we need to give our children the comfort, they feel that they've been trusted. But the children, young people, you have to earn your trust. Youth who lie to their parents, they lose their trust.

Speech by A.R. Ouertani

Introduction

So this is the standard question that has become so cliched that it elicits snickers in the youngsters and raising eyebrows in the elders. But the problem is still there and it's not going to go away. Therefore, the question is the standard question that I get asked and all the speakers get asked.

Marriage Issues

A brother says, I'm a young brother, 24 years old, I'm interested in going studying medical school and I want to get married to a particular sister, but my parents keep on telling me I am not ready and I really want to get married to save myself from fitna, from the things around me. What should I do?

Wallahi, marriage is one of the biggest clashes that youth have with their parents. And this is something that no matter how many times we talk about this and raise the issue, the same issues keep on coming up. The parents are thinking as if when they were 19, 20, 25, and they keep on thinking, look, I was your age, I went through this, what's the problem? Why can't you wait? I was 30 when I got married, I was 29 when I got married.

And the fact of the matter is times have changed. Times have changed. We're not living back home anymore. I've been through this as well. I got married when I was 21 years old. And wallahi, it was one of the wisest decisions I ever made. I was 21 years old and alhamdulillah, my parents were supportive of this and I thank Allah for that.

Even though it was a little bit of a pushing but anyway, eventually they did come around and understanding. I thank Allah Azawaj for that. The fact of the matter, look, our youngsters are being exposed to things you never even imagined of. And they have lots of opportunities to fall into haram. They are normal human beings. It's not anything abnormal.

You also were normal at that age but you lived in a different environment, different culture, different society. People were very different around you when you were growing up than they are now. In our times, you know a kid came to me. I'm not making this, a child came to me, I think what, how old was he? 14 or something? And he said, my peers make fun of me because I don't have a girlfriend.

The kids at school call me, you know what they're going to call me, because I'm not attracted to women they think. I'm attracted to men. And he's almost in tears. He goes, what can I do now? Now you didn't have to deal with that issue when you were 14 or 15, did you? This is a 14 year old kid and he's confused because he wants to be a good Muslim but what is he going to do because all of his friends are having girlfriends and what not and he's trying to live a straight life.

So look, point of fact here, your kids have two alternatives. And this is not a kid, he's 24, he's an adult. He has two alternatives, haram or halal. There's no in middle, right? It's either haram or halal. You can either encourage him for the halal or face the consequences of falling into haram. It's really, there's not that much, you know, magic to understand this. It's very simple.

My advice to you, if your child shows the maturity of marriage, right? 24 is an old enough age. And if at that young age they feel that, look, I think I can manage, then don't worry about the sustenance. Allah says in the Quran, and I know this is sometimes parents think, how is it going to happen? Allah clearly says in the Quran:

"If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from His bounty."

And this is with regards to marriage. With regards to marriage, Allah says, if they are poor, Allah will give them of His fadl. You know, I got married, I didn't have a full-time job at the time. 21, what am I going to have? I didn't know where the sustenance would come from. But Alhamdulillah, we managed. It wasn't easy.

And you know what? Struggling the way that we did, wallahi, not only did it make me more mature, faster, it cemented the bonds between my wife and I. Made us a better couple because we had to face certain problems, certain issues that perhaps we wouldn't have had to face if we didn't go through that.

So if your teenager, if your young 20, 22 year old son or daughter expresses a sincere desire to get married, test them with their maturity. And if they are mature enough to handle the situation, I would personally be encouraging. And do what you can to help out, sacrifice what you can, but inshaAllah, I think in the long run, it will be better for you and for them.

And also, by the way, now I speak to the youth here. Just like you remember how you're feeling now, don't forget this when your own child becomes 19, 20 as well. Don't forget this, that it's a different world, different place. Encourage them. Marriage, wallahi, is one of the biggest problems that our youth face.

And inshaAllah, we're having actually huge conferences about this soon. It will be announced soon in the public. But we're having major conferences about the issue of marriage in the second generation. And by the way, divorce rates are also going up. It's a big problem. And that is another issue.

Why is it going up? Because their conception of marriage is taken from Hollywood and Bollywood. It's not taken from the real world. We didn't do a good job of educating them what is really marriage.

Alternative Solutions

So, no doubt, there is no simplistic answer. But if you sense maturity from them, and if they have prayed their istikhara, and if they have found an appropriate spouse, I would personally be supportive of it. And you know, there's also the alternative, by the way, with this we'll move on.

There's also the alternative of having the katbu kitab only. And that is that the wife and husband, they have the nikah contract done, but not the consummation. So what this allows is that they can talk together, they can, you know, go to the movie theater if they want to, they can go out on a date together.

In other words, there's this sense of, I have a companion, but they're not yet living together. And there's nothing wrong with having the katbu kitab, it's called. You have the marriage contract.

And then you say, inshaAllah, when you have an apartment, then you can have the big ceremony of the consummation and take her to your house. Until then, we simply have the nikah contract. So, technically you're married, but you're not living together.

So there has this sense of, like I said, you can express your love. Wallahi, it's a human element as well. You want to love somebody and you want to be loved. It's not just lust. It's also a human element that you want to express that love. You want to feel like a normal human being.

And so this katbu kitab, this marriage contract, what it will do? It will allow those emotions to be expressed in a halal manner, and it will give stability to the life. It will even give your son or daughter an incentive to do good in studies and move on to the next stage of life. And this is certain advice.

Question and Answer Session

Television and Family Time

Question: I got a question about positive and negative effect of TV in the house and the relationship that we build between the parents and the children and somehow I feel that it always goes through the TV because any conversation that we started to have first thing we need to have is the TV on. So I would like to have your input on that.

Answer by Yasir Qadhi: So for those of you who weren't able to hear the question, it's basically about the issue of how can you have a quality time with your children especially when there's something called the TV at home and family time. Yes. And family time simply becomes sitting down in front of the TV as a family and looking at the TV. This is family time now.

Okay. The radical solution which Alhamdulillah some of us have managed to do is not to have a TV at home. And it's something I would personally advise you even though I know many of you are not going to be able to do this.

I don't have a TV at home. I don't have a TV at home because I know when it's there I'm not just going to watch the news. My kids aren't just going to watch cartoons. My wife isn't just going to watch Oprah. I know what's going to happen. The reality of what's going to happen there.

Okay. So my kids have been raised in a house where there is no TV. Therefore they are not accustomed to this wastage of time that I find in other kids. I grew up watching TV. I grew up in a normal place and I know what this box does. You sit there and you literally waste two hours an hour. It doesn't matter. You just waste that time.

So the radical solution and this is what, Alhamdulillah, we did this from day one, my wife and I, just don't have a TV at home. So that when the kids are raised there you know, they are raised in a little bit of a better environment. No doubt their friends have TV they know what TV is, they know. But at home they know that it's not there.

And so at home they play together, they fight together we have some time together. You know Wallahi, when my kids fight together, I'm better I'm happier that they're doing that than they're watching TV. Because at least they're developing some relationship, right? At least they're learning how to cope with the real world, to cope with one another.

So this is in my opinion, the ideal solution. If that's not gonna happen and the fact that it's not gonna happen in most households in that case you set very strict rules for the television. You set very strict rules. This is what you're gonna watch if you do your homework and your chores and what not. This is the thing that you get to watch.

So it's basically, you're the ones who's dictating what they're gonna watch and beyond this, you need to sit down and take an active effort. Now my kids, you know, I read stories to them. That's the best thing, they love it. Every night they come running, so can you read a story to me? And they'll choose a book and we'll do that.

Even though the story might be so ridiculous. I mean, I actually read, what is that? That's Cat in the Hat, right? Is that Cat in the Hat one, right? Yeah, my little daughter loves me to read that. Now, sometimes I'm thinking my God, I should be reading Ibn Taymiyyah or much more Fattah or Ibn Al Qayyim.

But you know, this is a part of being a parent. Wallahi, sit there and you read the Cat in the Hat. You know, for my little daughter, she loves it. This is a part of establishing that relationship. I'm not saying I'm an ideal parent, but I think if I put that time in, you know, she's only 4 years old and she's at that time, it will develop that bond, that inshallah, later on you know, she's gonna come to me for things far more important than reading Cat in the Hat.

So there has to be a two-way street here, right? You're saying, what can I do? Let me turn it back to you, what have you done? What have you done to take your kids out, you know? I take my kids swimming with me sometimes.

You know, my boys, I take them to a swimming pool there that you go in a time there's nobody else there. You know, I take them once every few, you know, days or weeks, we go and swim there together. Inshallah, when they grow older, I hope to take them on an Umrah trip or something.

You need to develop some bonds here. You need to do something, I mean, again, in all honesty, our parents didn't do that with us because that was not the way their grandparents raised them. That type of chilling out with the kids, it's not done back home, but it is done here.

And I am a second generation person. I can't, I can't just be standoffish with my children. I sit down and play with them. I throw them up in the air, I'm much more physical with them. This is the way I am. And I think that those of us who have decided to come here, we need to learn to drop some of those different attitudes that was back home.

That was fine back home, I'm not even criticizing it. But this isn't the way our children see their friends and their parents' relationship. This isn't the way they do that.

So my question back to you is, what are you doing proactively? Just to have good relations. It doesn't have to be Islamic, even though one of the best things you can do is take them to the masjid once in a while. For Salatul Isha, for Salatul Maghrib, if it's time for that, you know, they come home from school.

Just take them to there, that's it. Take them and take them back. Once in a while on the way back, I'll get them some ice cream. So they now, even though it's a double thing, so they want to go to the masjid because they know once in a while they'll get ice cream on the way back. You know, this is a halal bribe, alhamdulillah. It's a halal bribe, you know, no sin at all.

Point is now, you need to think about what you're doing with your children and inshallah, kids are kids. You spend a good time with them, they'll spend time with you. So it's not really that difficult.

Every age has something they like to do. And another thing that we do, we give them rewards for being good Islamically. If you memorize this, then you get your, you know, this toy or that thing or you know, some type of game set and I try to also buy educational toys by the way.

We don't have these, even though I don't know how long they'll be able to last, right now I can tell you, we don't have those gadgets and those Wii's and whatever, you know, we're trying to keep that off. I try to get them building sets and that type of stuff. That's the type of stuff I'd rather give them.

I don't know how long they'll be able to last, so maybe next year I'll come and I'll have to confess we have one of these contraptions. But as of yet, we're staying, so we reward them. If you memorize (سُورَةُ العَصْرِ) we'll get you this thing.

Okay? And again, this is a halal bribe. This is completely permissible. Let them be, if you pray regularly for one week, you build a chart for them, right? And there's nine years old, six, you pray regularly, then Inshallah Ta'ala we'll go out for ice cream or do something like this.

These are things, makes them want to be good, and makes them also have a relationship with their parents. Inshallah, you be firm with them, be open with them, go down to their level, and you will see that they will love to be with you. It's not that difficult, Inshallah.

Religious Youth and Parental Authority

Question: My question is specifically for you as teachers when you deal with youth who are more religiously inclined how do you teach them not to necessarily challenge their parents and do other things when they think they are more religious than their parents maybe their parents don't practice religion as they do or they think they practice better than, to prevent them from having that arrogance and destroying their own home by thinking, well I'm a better Muslim than my parent, and so they start destroying their own home or for that matter challenging imams and other things like that, thinking that they have some knowledge.

Answer by Yasir Qadhi: It's a very deep question and it requires a lot of time and contemplation but I am very very familiar with the question because I have gone through that phase myself I have gone through that exact same phase where you think you know more than your parent, as 17 year old kid, 18 year old kid, you've read a few books you know, listened to a few scholars here and there, and your parents are not doing that type of understanding, and so you think you know better than them.

And you know some of the, I told you we had some clashes with my parents when I was 17, believe it or not, they were over religious issues, you know, they were over religious issues, where I had this assumption that I knew better than them and what calmed me down was knowledge what calmed me down was more knowledge because the ulema say a little bit of knowledge is the most dangerous thing, the most dangerous thing is little dose of knowledge, because you think you have everything and the more you study and the more you learn the more humble you become, and the more you realize, even if you might know one particular issue that your parents don't know, subhanallah it doesn't change the respect that is due to them, by virtue of the fact that they are parents.

So the solution, I am dealing more with the youth obviously, right, of course the parents have their own things that we need to talk about for the youth, really the solution is you teach them this head on, you don't talk about just fiqh and aqidah and tafseer, you always have to bring in spirituality, you always have to bring in akhlaq, you always have to bring in humility and humbleness you cannot simply teach dry facts and I hope that inshallah we are doing this you know, adam maghrib and other institutions that we are doing I hope that we are also emphasizing akhlaq and adab, and not just theory, not just issues that are you know, abstract and you know, mundane or intellectual.

The main thing here, we need to tell our children, we need to tell our youth, that look, if you are doing something your parents haven't done, or you think you are doing something correct and wrong, still they are your parents, and they deserve that respect and it is possible, that you are doing this good deed, will be nullified by your bad treatment with your parents, and it is also possible, that you think you are doing something right, but the fact of the matter is, that's only one opinion and your parents have something, that is equally valid.

Now, there is many factors to talk about, but I want to talk about one particular issue, and that is, what do you do when there is clearly a religious clash, let me give you an example, the girl wants to wear hijab, and the parents say, no you can't do it, how many sisters have come to me, to all of the people here, and said, look my parents don't want me to wear hijab, she is 17 years old, 18, I've even had girls going to college they are supposed to be adults, but their parents, no, we don't want you to wear it why? for whatever reasons they have that is really where it gets sticky where it's a clear cut case of you know, and I mean Astaghfirullah, it can get pretty ugly sometimes.

That is where you need to look at the overall situation if the person is in a situation where the parents might actually cut off their sustenance, or make life difficult for them, you know what, you just tell them, and I've told sisters this, look it's only a temporary phase if you are not able to find anywhere else, your parents are going to kick you out, this one sister her father literally was going to kick her out of the house if she continued to wear hijab here in North America, that's the way it became I told her, look, for you this is darura don't wear hijab, in front of him, don't even show it to him, and do what you can ask Allah to forgive you, it's a matter of time when you will move on, and you will be able to do as you please.

The real issue comes like I said, when it's clearly a case of haram and halal, when it's a case of difference of opinion, wallahi we need to educate our youth, differences of opinion should never ever lead to harshness, to bad manners, to a clash of parent vs. child, Eid prayers, taraweeh prayers, issue here there's a question of zabihah vs. non-zabihah, parents have one thing, children have another never should this lead to a clash more education, more tarbiyah, and this is our job as educators, primarily to teach the kids not to be arrogant to their parents.

Final Message from Imam Magid

JazakAllah khairan. And may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala guide us and help us to save our generation and to save ourselves, inshallah.

Closing

This topic that we are supposed to address today, it is extremely important, and from my experience as an Imam in this masjid and a counselor, from the counseling perspective, most of the problems that we see today between generations can be addressed through proper understanding, communication, and following the guidance of Allah and His Messenger (صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ)

May Allah grant success to all Muslim families in raising righteous children and maintaining strong bonds between generations. Ameen.