Social Discontentment Leading Causes of Depression
By Yaser Birjas | 2026-01-13T08:13:59.021861+00:00 | Topic: Trials
Social Discontentment: Leading Causes of Depression
Speaker: Yaser Birjas
Event: 2013 ICNA-MAS Convention
Opening
"[Peace, mercy, and blessings of Allah be upon you.]"
"[In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.]"
"[All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the Worlds. May the peace, blessings, and benedictions of Allah be upon our Prophet Muhammad, his family, and his companions, and may Allah grant them abundant peace. To proceed:]"
Introduction and Social Comparison Exercise
First of all, I would like to start by requesting from each and every one of you. I want you to start by shaking hands with the person sitting next to you, if you can do that. Also, I would like to introduce yourself to them by name. Where are you from and what type of car you drive.
And I'm serious about the car thing. Okay, we should be done by now, right? Are you getting too excited? Now, what was this all about? What was this all about right now?
When I ask you to introduce yourself and where you're exactly from, the first thing perhaps that came to your mind when they told you where they were from, immediately our mind processes this thing in social comparisons. So if someone told that he is coming from Dallas, Texas, you would say, oh, these people are oil rich people, right? And if they were from Brooklyn, for example, you'll get too excited about it like this, right? There is always this kind of social comparison.
It's an inescapable human psychology. You always start thinking that way. And then when I ask you to tell them what type of car you drive, I'm not sure if you told them that or not, but if you didn't, that's another proof of social comparison, because you're so scared to disclose that you're driving the last edition of BMW so that people might give you hasad.
And if you already told them what car you drive, they would start sizing you immediately. Oh, so this is basically middle class. This is upper middle class. This is lower middle class. That's how our mind processes things as humans. Subhanallah, when I was sitting next to Sheikh Abdul Nasser and we were kind of stretching our legs, so I was looking at his shoes and my shoes, and I wanted to take a snapshot and put it on Facebook, because he has the coolest shoes I've ever seen on a Sheikh, mashallah.
And I'm very old school kind of shoes. It's a kind of, you cannot escape these things, subhanallah. You can't escape that.
The Reality of the Day of Judgment
However, reality is that on the Day of Judgment, on the Day of Judgment, when we stand before Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, no one of us is going to bring these things with him. And even when you stand before Allah azza wa jalla, tell you what? You're not going to bring your family with you. You're going to be standing by yourself.
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says:
"And you have certainly come to Us alone as We first created you, and you have left whatever We bestowed upon you behind you. And We do not see with you your intercessors which you claimed that they were among you associates [of Allah]."
You're coming back to us individuals, just like when we first created you. So no one is going to be with you. And the ayah continues afterwards saying: We left you, left everything that we have given you, and we have entitled it to you. You left all of this behind. And even you left your shuraka, your partners. These partners, people whom Allah associated with in this dunya, they don't come with you on the day of judgment.
You're going to be standing alone. And that's why Allah is a scary, scary idea. Because as humans, we are social beings. We cherish these moments of being together. We survive on these feelings. Look at you guys. You came to this conference. Why? You feel so good, mashallah. You have all these hundreds of people around you.
It gives you that sense of community and unity. And that's why we have salatul jama'a as well. You go to salatul jama'a. Why? Because you feel empowered by the gathering and the social gathering. But subhanallah, even as you go there, there's always that social comparison coming into our minds about things. And unfortunately, many of us, when we do these social comparisons, it's nothing but dunya things. Nothing but dunya things.
Hadith on Social Comparison
Although, Rasulullah sallallahu alaihi wa sallam says:
(Sahih Muslim 2963)
"The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he says, don't you ever look at those who are above you. Don't look at those who are above you in terms of dunya. Always look at those who are below. Why is that? Otherwise, you are going to belittle the ni'mah, the blessings being bestowed upon you from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala."
In the culture we live in today, it's the opposite. When it comes to dunya, we always look at those who are above. Subhanallah, if you keep looking up so long, what happens to you? You're going to have a back and neck pain. You're going to break your neck perhaps.
Keep on looking and that's what exactly happens. You break your back because you're going to keep trying to pursue that and reach that level and you might never actually do that. And in terms of the akhira, in terms of deen, we are looking at those who are below us.
So when I ask a brother, I say, ya kheer subhanallah, I haven't seen you for a while in the masjid for juma'ah or for jama'ah. He says, I come for juma'ah, sheikh. I said, mashallah, that's great.
What about isha' and fajr? He says, well, alhamdulillah, at least I come for juma'ah. He's basically comparing himself to others who don't show up at all. I said, why are you comparing yourself to losers? You need to always look for those who are higher than you in ibadah so that you start competing with them for khair and goodness.
The Danger of Seeking Praise
You know, when it comes to this dunya, when it comes to this dunya, even in matters of deen, we are not allowed to make this comparison to get that title in this world and get the honor among the people only. Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he said that:
(Sahih Muslim 1905)
"Those who will be put first in jahannam, on the day of judgment. He mentioned many in different hadith, but some of them he said: A qari which means a hafidh of the Quran. Why is that? He just memorized the Quran in comparison to others حَتَّى يُقَالَ قارئ - so that it will be said among the crowd that he is mashallah a professional qari and hafidh."
And the Prophet says: وقد قيل - And it was said. Means he got his reward from the people already.
And he said: جواد - Meaning a generous person who keeps giving every fundraising they give and they make sure that everybody knows who gave these 10,000 dollars. And they make sure people they know about it.
It's not that it's haram to give publicly. Allah mentioned that it's allowed in surah al-Baqarah. You are allowed to do that. But it's better to keep it secretly. But when people they give only so that others they can see how much they give in comparison to others. Allah would dislike that the Prophet said he will be thrown first in jahannam.
Why is that? Because his giving was all about just people to say he is jawad, he is generous. And it was said about them so. Which means they got their reward from the people.
And the last one is shujaa. Someone who is brave, he was going there, all out there, but he was doing it for people to say that he is strong, he is brave, he is all out there and so forth. He got his reward from the people.
Social Comparison and Family Reunification
When it comes to social comparison, why do people usually even do that? Why? Why do we do this? You know in the akhira, the issue of socializing in the akhira was made one of the blessings and the ni'm. It's a reward. In the akhira socializing in jannah is actually a reward.
Even socializing with your own people, with your own family, Allah says:
"And those who believed and whose descendants followed them in faith - We will join with them their descendants, and We will not deprive them of anything of their deeds. Every person, for what he earned, is retained."
Those who believed in this dunya, believed in family in the dunya, they follow them in this path of guidance and path of goodness. We shall reunite them in al-jannah. We shall reunite them back together as a reward for their goodness for what they have done in this dunya.
So this kind of social gathering is a reward. Many of us, they try to get their reward in the dunya before the akhira. And the Shaykh, Shaykh Abdul Nasir, he used to mention actually the issue of weddings as one of these examples.
Three Reasons for Social Comparison
1. Self-Definition Through Others
You see, why do people, why do people want to have this kind of social comparison? Number one, they want to define themselves comparing to other people. That's how people do it. You know when I ask you to tell, just to say what type of car you drive, the moment you said, I drive this car like Shaykh was mentioning, two different colors, you know.
Eventually, you immediately start classifying yourself and people in comparison to others. So if he told you he drives this fancy car, you immediately put yourself at an inferior position. And no one wants to be in an inferior position in this life.
So what do they do? They try to live above their means, even using credit cards and a lot of debts in their lives. And then what? They live in depression. They get depressed.
Because they can never match that. They can never get to that level. So we always try to define ourselves through, of course, comparing ourselves to other people.
2. Making Others a Point of Reference for Success
Number two, when we deal with people, subhanallah, we compare ourselves to other people, we make them as a point of reference for us. So defining success, the point of reference of success in many, many people's lives and minds is comparing to other people, specifically family members. So why my in-laws, they have this.
His son is going to become a doctor. So we have to have a doctor amongst ourselves. And other families, I have seen so many people so eager to have one child to memorize the Qur'an in their household.
They want to have a hafidh in the house. And I asked, why? Your child doesn't look like one to be a hafidh. You know, you're pushing him for the past three, four years and he's barely halfway there.
And you're still pushing him. And I said, why are you forcing your child to this path? He goes, well, you know, alhamdulillah, it's a tradition in the family. My brother has one hafidh.
My sister had two kids, alhamdulillah, they finished Qur'an. I cannot survive without that. We have to have one child as a hafidh.
So why does he have to be a sacrifice? Why don't you become a hafidh? So it just, even in matters of deen, are making all these points of references. This is success for us. It's what people, how people are viewing success, that's how we view it in our lives as well.
You know, your son might become a hafidh. And may Allah bless those children, ameen. But sometimes, doing that for that, with that intention in mind, it's gonna backfire one day.
It's gonna become very dangerous. Doing it with the good intention for the ikhlas and sincerity for the sake of Allah, it's a great blessing. But doing it for the other intentions, dunya intentions, for just social comparison, it's gonna be a disaster afterwards.
3. The Example of Qarun
Number three, why do people, and by the way, as a point of reference, to show an example subhanAllah, as a point of reference, we have the story of Qarun. Allah mentioned the story of Qarun in surah al-qasas. When Qarun, Allah speaks about his wealth.
Qarun was the example of the richest person you can think of today. You know, if celebrity, when they walk down the streets, what do people usually do? They gather all around them, paparazzi taking pictures, and all that stuff and so on, and all these people lining up, and even today, just watching them on TV, everybody's grabbing the magazines, watching the website, says, oh, I wish I can be like this.
And Allah said in the Quran about Qarun, his wealth was so great, he was holding the dunya in his hand so much, that Allah says:
means that the keys to his treasures, not the treasure, the keys, the keys to the lock that's keeping his treasures safe, means the group of strong muscles men will have a hard time carrying all these keys.
Can you imagine that? How much money that was? Still though, when he walks out with his zina, he takes all his zina, zina means the best of what he has. His fancy horses, his fancy caravan, entourage, his clothes, this and that and so on. Everybody, as Qarun walks out, they would say:
I wish we have like Qarun has. He's been blessed with so much khair and good, that's what they say, that's what they assume. So they're comparing success, they made him as a point of reference, but Allah showed them otherwise in the life of this man. What happened to him is Allah means just like a sinkhole took him and all his treasures over all together.
Perhaps it was a crisis that led to depression in the economy. Collapse, all his wealth was gone. Instantly, everything was gone.
And then everybody was saying, oh subhanallah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, we're not like him. So Allah has given them this sign, you see, look at yourself. And Dr. Altaf was talking about Oklahoma and the last few words that he quoted, subhanallah, for us, I told him, wallah, these are very powerful words, subhanallah.
I mean, we can make lectures forever, but these words, wallah, more than enough. I don't have to talk that much time. Just these lines, sufficient to make my point go across for many, many people.
That when you just go and look for what you've been hoarding all these years, and then you start thinking, what am I exactly looking for? Seriously, what is it that I'm looking for anyway? And when you see that, alhamdulillah, I always wanted to get rid of that stuff, but I didn't have the courage to do it, but then Allah took care of it for me. That's how life works. That's how it is, subhanallah.
The Harmful Effects of Social Comparison
Look at you, how many ideas, how many dreams, how many things you always wanted to do, but you inhibited yourself from doing that out of fear of social comparison. You always want to be like others, you
don't want people to talk about you in a certain way, so you never achieve what you're supposed to achieve in life because out of fear of this social comparison.
Self-Defense and Fitting In
The third point I wanted to mention, which is self-defense. Usually when we compare ourselves to others, it's just to fit in. And this is specifically among the young ones in school. You know, the other day I had to counsel a young girl.
I was surprised, subhanallah, she was only 11 years old, 12 years old. Counsel a young girl in the community with her parents coming in. Why is that? Because she wanted to take, she took actually her hijab off in school.
And when we had a discussion, all the things that she was going through, it's all about social comparison. She goes to a public school system, and that doesn't mean she's going to be perhaps in a safe place if she goes to any other school system. But she was going through that same now point of reference, self- defense mechanism.
She doesn't want to be left out. She doesn't want to be that kind of like a black sheep in this crowd. She doesn't want to be like this, so she wants to fit in. It's self-defense. She compares herself and she wants to fit in. That's all.
And many of us do the same thing as well in our communities. Even Muslim community, we do the same thing too. Why do you want to buy a house if you cannot afford that house? Like Imam Abdul Nasser was talking about.
It's just because everybody is doing it. The other day, a brother called me actually and he asked me about the whole thing. He says, me and my wife, we're talking about this issue.
So what do you think? I said, tell me the truth. Why exactly do you want to buy a house? He says, can you afford buying a house now? He goes, in the current circumstances? I said, no. He said, how long is it going to take you to pay it off? Well, based on the contract, it's going to take about 35 years.
I said, 35 years enslaving yourself to this? So I said, subhanallah, why would you have to do that? I mean, I've been living in the country for the past 15 years and still, until now, I'm renting. Alhamdulillah, we'll live happily ever after. So I'm saying, why do I have to compare myself to other people to measure success and self-defense against people's criticism? It's only in your mind.
And you just keep putting yourself to so much stress because of the choices that you made just in order to fit in among the crowd. Subhanallah, even things such as things such as weddings and birthday parties. A big issue today among the Muslim community.
The Birthday Party Example
They keep asking, is it okay to do birthday parties? You know, our kids, they want to have like everybody else and so on. They use exactly the same social comparison. Everybody's doing it.
So why not us? My kids, they keep saying, well, my cousin, my uncles, this and that and so on. And they feel kind of left out. Why can't we do this? I said, you know what? Honestly, my biggest issue with birthday parties is not that you bring them a cake at home and you eat it together and you just celebrate that with them in a very closed circle.
Parents, children perhaps, and grandparents, and we're done. This is not my issue. So my issue with these birthday parties is that when people, they start doing this, there is no limit.
There is no roof for social comparison. So they start at home. Then go to the backyard. And then after that, go to Chuck E. Cheese. And the next thing you see, it's in the hotel room. And then subhanAllah, you just keep going all the way up.
And guess what? They brought us a gift for $50. We're not going to go cheap less than that. And when you invite, when you invite only the closest family, you're talking about minimum 50 children in the Muslim families.
Fifty children, imagine you're going to have to respond to that invitation by accepting their invitation to the birthday parties. That means you're going to spend all your weekends, like Shaykh Abdul Nasser said, escaping these events, you know? You're going to spend all your days and nights and weekends just celebrating birthday parties. And who wants to do that in his life, Ya Jemaa? Who wants to just live for that? A lot of social pressure happens because of the social comparison.
Ramadan Dinner Pressures
And that's why I say don't do it. Ramadan is coming. And when Ramadan comes, you have a lot of dinners, right? And these dinners, I ask actually when I teach the sisters in my community, and we bring this issue up, I said, I know you ladies, you dread the beginning of Ramadan, I know that.
You're so scared when Ramadan comes. And they just kind of start smiling. I said, I know why you're so scared. Because that means you're going to have to cook so much food every single weekend. This is my in-laws, and next is my family, and then our neighbors, and this, that, and so and so, and subhanallah, every dinner, every dinner, is just specific group of people. And you have to minimum, you have to match what they've done last year, or what they've done last weekend.
So it's all about social comparison. What's wrong with just making food according to your means? As much as you can. Not, of course, to go and eat cheap burgers.
There's nothing wrong with that either. But still, it is okay to be generous, but not so extravagant. Social comparison brings so much stress that people are willing to cut off ties with friends and families out of
fear if we accept their invitation to their dinner party, or their wedding party, that we're going to have to invite them over.
And I'm not ready for that. Or we cannot afford that. And they still keep living in this kind of social pressure all for the rest of their lives.
Islamic Guidance on Social Comparison
Subhanallah, as Muslims, how should we really deal with this situation? You see the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) he says:
(Sunan al-Tirmidhi 2007)
The meaning of (إمَّعَةً), don't be like a copycat. Whatever they do, you do it. Whatever people say, you say it. If they're good, you're good. If they're bad, you become bad.
All of a sudden, subhanallah. Why is that? Well, they started it first. This is not how a Muslim lives his life. You don't live your life because of that.
Divine Guidance Against Following the Majority
You see, Allah says:
If you follow the example of the vast majority of people on earth, they will mislead you. They're not the most successful all the time. And that's why Allah says:
Few among My servants are truly thankful. The thankful true believers.
So, if you always go with the crowd because, you know, everybody's doing it, that kind of social comparison, you might not win. You might be among the winners. You might not be among the winners.
Because Allah says, otherwise could be the truth. And we also, when we deal with people, many of us, we try to deal with people based on their akhlaaq towards us. So we always compare our reaction to theirs towards us.
Responding with Excellence
When you as a Muslim, you should deal with people based on your akhlaaq, not theirs. Even if they were mean to you, I'm not going to act in the same fashion. I would never compare myself to these kind of attitudes.
That's why Allah says:
Always respond in that which is best. Perhaps with whom you have enmity or hostility, they become close to you like a close friend. That's not an easy thing.
Allah is saying, it's not an easy thing, subhanAllah:
So those who truly hold on to this path are those who persevere in patience. And those who have that great deal of khayr in the akhira who can handle this kind of attitude.
The Prophet's Character as the Standard
You don't compare yourself to those people. Rather, you always go by the point of reference that is superior. And that is the Qur'an and the sunnah of the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم). The akhlaaq and the manners of Rasulullah (صلى الله عليه وسلم) . One of the biggest highlights about the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم), Aisha she said:
(Sahih Muslim 746)
His manners, Qur'an itself. His manners was the Qur'an itself.
Standing Alone on the Day of Judgment
So in the closing of this session I would like again to wrap it up and bring the quick reminder for all of us, bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Remember on the Day of Judgment, when you stand, you're going to be
standing before Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala alone.
Wallahi, none of these people to whom you compare yourself are going to be standing next to you, including your role models. None of them will be standing next to you. None of them is going to be defending your cause.
Nothing but your own good deeds. So make sure that when you compare, you don't compare yourself to people. You compare yourself to the most righteous and the best standard.
And that's Rasulallah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. His biggest highlight when Aisha was asked about him, she said:
"And indeed, you are of a great moral character."
You are, O Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, on a highly standard of character. High standard of character is the biggest highlight of Rasulallah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.
That should be the point of reference when you deal with other people in this dunya.
The Temporary Nature of Worldly Things
Another thing in this dunya, we all know that whatever you compare yourself to in this dunya, it's going to soon turn yellow. And that's how Allah described the dunya.
It's just like when the rain comes down, vegetation is going to grow, turn green beautifully, and after some time it suddenly turns yellow. Everything you have in this dunya, sooner or later will turn yellow. The thing you always aspire to achieve in life, like becoming a lawyer or a teacher or a doctor or this or that and so on, the moment you get that degree, believe me, I've seen it with many many brothers and sisters, the moment they do it and they go to the work, they would say, that's it? I spent all these years and all my life with that's it? I'm going to just spend the rest of my life with this?
I have seen doctors quitting their jobs to go and learn Arabic or learn Sharia. Why? Because that's what they always wanted to do in their lives. I've seen sisters quitting all these careers for other things they feel that it's more enriching in their life. Because whatever they own in their hand, it turns yellow.
So whatever you compare yourself to in this dunya, sooner or later, the moment you have it in your hand, it turns yellow. In the Arabic language, we have a beautiful statement, we say it's in Ammiyya Basi Daalak, they say, which means what you own by hand, the eye loses interest in it. The moment you own it, you lose interest in it.
You always have this expectation and you always work so hard to achieve it, the moment you earn it, it loses interest. You lose interest in that thing. And that's why you keep moving on to the next level,
something else, I need something else and so on.
Remember that, whatever you compare yourself with is not worth it sooner or later.
Recommendation: Volunteer for Charity
And finally, as a suggestion, as a recommendation from my part to you, brothers and sisters, if you would like to set your social comparison or standards right, my recommendation for you, truly and genuinely, is to volunteer for charity work. I've done it since I was young.
I was since about 12 years old when I started volunteering for the charity work. Almost in every kind of field that you can think of. Dealt with orphans, I was actually a bookkeeper for orphans charity funds and all that stuff.
I used to go and collect money for other agency organizations. And when I finished Medina University, I went four years, I spent four years of my life in Bosnia. I spent four years in Bosnia working with the orphans and the widows, the most humbling experience I've ever had in my life.
Wallahi, I've, it's just extremely humbling experience. When you go there and you see the reality of life. We live a fake life. Wallahi, we live a fake life. Because everything for us is artificial.
Yesterday a sister asked me about how to connect our heart with the creation of Allah Azawajal. I asked her, where do you live? She said, I live in New York. I said, you need to move out to the countryside. Being in a city, you have no connection with the creation of Allah Azawajal anymore, other than the concrete buildings and streets and this and that and so on.
But when you go out and you watch the sunrise and the sunset and all that stuff, that's when your heart automatically connects. And if you would like to connect with the reality of lives, instead of just fake images that you see on TV and the internet and magazines, go out and volunteer for charity work. If you have the time, go ahead to the bazaar and try to volunteer with one of these charity organizations.
Let them know, I want to go to Oklahoma to volunteer a few hours inshaAllah. I want to see and help. On the ground, I want to see how people live their lives right now.
Go ahead and do it. If you can, take a break from work and go for a few weeks. Go and volunteer somewhere else in the Muslim world. Go and volunteer for the refugees in Syria. Go and see for yourself. Go volunteer in Africa.
Everywhere. You know what? Volunteer here somewhere. Go ahead and go to one of these shelters. And don't deceive yourself by going only two hours in your lifetime. You say, Alhamdulillah, I've done it. You have to live it.
You have to live it. You have to break bread with these people so you can see yourself, Wallahi, in this dunya. And then you will set the standard for social comparison right.
Closing
"Our Lord, accept [this] from us. Indeed You are the All-Hearing, the All-Knowing."
"And accept our repentance. Indeed, You are the Accepting of repentance, the Merciful."
"Praise be to Allah, Lord of the worlds."
"May Allah send blessings and peace upon our Prophet Muhammad and upon his family and all his companions."
"May the peace, mercy, and blessings of Allah be upon you."