Selection of a Prospective Spouse - Sh. Yasir Birjas

subhanahu wa ta'ala, which is something exclusive for him.

That's Zaynab. And also he married through commissioning, which means even if she wasn't here, even if he wasn't here, you can still do it, of course, through correspondence. You can still talk to people, they can look for you, and they can initiate the contract on your behalf, inshallah tabaraka wa ta'ala.

So there is more to this, I'm sure. We can have a whole session just on the marriages of the Prophet, (صلى الله عليه وسلم). And there is no one really better to explain that than Dr. Jamal himself, mashallah. And again, learn most of these things from him, hafidhahu Allah ta'ala.

The Reality of What People Look For

Now then, let's go back to the practical way of selecting a spouse. Let's maybe be more practical right now.

What do people look for when it comes to getting married? What is the number one quality people are looking for when it comes to finding a husband or a wife? What is it? What is it? Taqwa. Taqwa religious, right? Yeah, sure, right. This is the problem with the Muslim community.

We're fooling ourselves. We know what we're supposed to be pursuing, but then we're taking shortcuts. We say it's taqwa and akhlaq and ma'az, and you have the most righteous brother knocking on your door, but I don't know.

His muscle size is not fitting my standards. He's not that handsome. This guy, I don't know, this and that.

Subhanallah. Suddenly, he's no longer being religious anymore. So what are we looking for? Similarly, when it comes to ladies, the first thing when I ask a guy, what are you looking for in a lady, the first thing they say, well, you know what I'm talking about.

I said, I don't know. You tell me. What are you looking for? He goes then, okay, you know, being beautiful, I said, okay, how much? Because even beauty right now is no longer one single standard anymore.

It's very subjective. When it comes to beauty, I don't know what's your lifestyle. I don't know how much you watch TV to be bombarded by all these images, these videos that is completely ruining the meaning of beauty in your mind.

I don't know that. And that's why when a guy comes to me and says, how much people should compromise on beauty when it comes to marriage, I said, the first thing you need to do to realize the answer to this question is stop watching TV. Number two, I said, become real.

Meaning whatever you see on TV, even these women on TV, these guys on TV that look handsome on TV and so on, they themselves, they wish that they look like this in reality. But they're not. It's all makeup.

It's all Photoshop. And it's all just lights and shadows. That's it.

That's what makes them look like that. They themselves, they would love to look like this in real life. So stop putting yourself pursuing something that you only create in your own mind.

Core Qualities vs. Peripheral Qualities

So when it comes to these qualities, I'm summarizing these qualities to two major categories. Number one, what I call core qualities. These core qualities, things you should not be compromising.

And number two, there is periphery. So these peripheral qualities, these are just like on the edge, and these are kind of like optionals where people start sorting their priorities differently according to that. But there are certain qualities you should not be compromising, to have a successful relationship, to have a successful relationship, and being actually, I would say, the way it's supposed to be, the way the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) he lived his life and made it as a sunnah for us, the way Allah commands to have and hold a household in your life and a family.

Then these two qualities were described in two hadiths.

Hadith on Selecting a Wife

Number one, the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) he said to the men, to men he said (صلى الله عليه وسلم) when you look for a woman, people usually look for one of these four qualities or looking for all these four qualities together.

(Bukhari hadith 5090)

A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her status, for her beauty, and for her deen. Look for that who is most practicing in her religion.

Number one, for her wealth. Number two, for her beauty. Number three, for her status. And number four, for her deen and practice of her faith.

You see, that's a stereotype, right? It goes back in full circle, subhanallah.

Which is true. But that's the inner beauty this time, right? So eventually, these four qualities. So number one, for the wealth, for the status, for the beauty, and then he said for the practice of her faith.

لدينها - For the practice of her faith. And then what the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) instruction was, فَاظْفَرْ بِذَاتِ الدِّينِ تَرِبَتْ يَدَاكَ - Look for that who is most practicing.

Meaning the one who is in good relation with Allah jalla wa 'ala. That's the first thing.

Hadith on Accepting a Proposal

The other hadith, the message of (صلى الله عليه وسلم) speaking to the awliya of the women. That when someone comes to you proposing for your daughter, what should she be looking for in a man? He said:

(Tirmidhi hadith 1084)

When someone comes to you and you're pleased with their deen and their akhlaq, then accept their proposal. He said deen and akhlaq.

And I'm going to explain them to you, inshallah wa ta'ala. Then he said - If you don't do that, then you wait for a corruption. Corruption and devastation that will take over on this earth.

And that's exactly what happens in the Muslim community, the Muslim society.

The Current Marriage Crisis

There's so many brothers out there are begging and they're dying to get married. Wallahi, I met some brothers, mashallah, here and there in this conference as well. I've seen them for so many years right now. They're still single. And I said, what's going on? He says, you know what, that's it. I'm sick and tired of this. I give up. They gave up on the Muslim community and their own communities and investing in the Muslim community in America.

Next destination, outsourcing their marriage somewhere else. Similarly, some sisters are doing the same thing too. They're waiting.

They're waiting for these guys who have been looking forever to come and find them somewhere. But maybe our standards are off a little bit. That's why we don't look attractive to one another.

This is the problem. Maybe the guy's standards are a little bit off, if not even too much off. And the sister, the same thing too. You're being so too picky. You need to take it easy on yourself and make sure to find the right standard, inshallah.

The Problem with Modern Standards

So why do we have a problem with standards when it comes to selecting a spouse? You see, in the past, maybe how long, 25, 30 years ago perhaps, maybe that was the beginning of change in the Muslim society and the community.

Back then, that standard of what you're selecting for was already set by the culture. The culture was dictated to you by your parents, grandparents, and so on. So generation after generation, we have a certain standard.

People, they get married. No one complains, alhamdulillah. Today you find people being married, mashallah, for 30 years, 35 years, 40, 50 years, and you say, mashallah.

How did you guys make it? How did you guys make it like this right now? And they say, I don't know, but it just worked out, alhamdulillah. You look at them, you say, I can't believe you guys survived 35 years. I said, me neither.

But eventually they did. They had standards that they lived by, and they understood their standards are like sacred things. Regardless how difficult the relationship is going to be, we're going to have to make it happen.

We have to make it work out. These people, they didn't have to worry about all these things, these little things about selections. In our generation, no more standards.

So when there is no roof, who's going to set the standard? Each and every individual. And as many people we have in this room, that's how many standards we have. Try and match these standards.

It's an impossible mission. It's like an impossible mission, because now everybody has his own liking and taste and so on.

The Culture of Choice

One of the biggest reasons I've seen in my observation for this crisis in the Muslim community is the culture of choice.

It's supposed to be something great, right? Because you have freedom of choosing and so on. And Allah created you with the ability to choose between right and left and all that stuff, which is good. But when it comes to marriage, having so many options and so many choices out there confuses a lot of brothers and sisters.

And for them, I'll wait another, inshallah, another one. Okay, another conference, inshallah. Maybe next destination, inshallah, the regional ICNA conference, inshallah.

And people, they will be waiting and waiting and waiting. The standard is off because, again, it became extremely subjective. And we are going to have to open up a little bit to understand how we can set this standard right, inshallah.

Understanding Deen and Akhlaq

So the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) in these two hadiths, he gave us the core qualities, deen and

akhlaq. What's the meaning of deen? When you say deen, I know we translate the word deen of being religious. But even being religious right now is being stretched so wide.

So there's a huge spectrum of being religious, extremely to the right and extremely to the left. So if you ask people about religiosity, they give you their own definition of being religious. For some, that religiosity is, whoa, this is very extreme.

And for others, that's, whoa, this is very liberal. So we have two actually wide spectrums right now, and people are having options to choose in between. So when someone says, I want someone who is religious, the next question to me, I say, what do you mean? Define religious for me.

So, lady, you need to define religious for me. Do you need a guy who is always, mashallah, in the masjid 24-7, tabarakallah, doing qiyam al-layl, siyam al-nahar? What do you mean by the definition of religious? A guy, what kind of religious woman do you want? You want her full hijab, abaya, niqab, colorful, this and that? What is that you're looking for? There's so many options. The standards are shifting.

I can't even set a standard for the people. They're going to have to give me the leads to help them out. And even with those leads, I'm just like, where can I find this person? This person has been photoshopped in your own mind.

Doesn't exist in reality except in your own mind. One time, a brother, he came to me and he said, I asked him, what are you looking for? He said, I would like, inshallah, to have a beautiful woman who is very religious, knows how to cook, mashallah, and this and this and this. He gave amazing qualities, subhanallah.

I can tell you, wallahi, he gave unbelievable qualities. I said, mashallah, wallahi, that's a great, actually, quality. Those are great qualities.

You know, if you find one, please let me know. I want to marry her. Seriously, if I find someone like this, I'm not going to give it to him.

But I know she doesn't exist. She only exists in jannah, jamaah. The qualities he's asking for, they only exist in jannah.

Dunya, you're going to have to compromise. You're going to have to compromise on something.

Religious vs. Spiritual

So when it comes to religiosity, two things I want you to be aware of.

There is religious and there is spiritual. We always associate or we kind of compare religiosity with spirituality. Being religious does not necessarily make the person spiritual.

And what does it mean? Being religious, you know, mashallah, adhering to salah and siyam and ibadah and ta'at and hijab and so on. So we do these things. But that doesn't make the person spiritual in terms of their, you know, their kindness, their gentleness.

Their ability to be compassionate and passionate and so on. These are two different qualities. The first one is just, you know, the shell.

Everybody can be equal with these things when we do these practices, of course. But the inner part, the spiritual part, that's a personal effort. How can I gauge this? I don't know.

I really cannot gauge this for you. And that's the problem with marriage and the beauty of marriage at the same time. It's training on the job.

Which means once you're there, then you make a decision. You know what? I'm going to have to work it out. How do you do that? The manners and the akhlaq.

That will help you there, mashallah, which is the second quality the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم was asking for. Akhlaq. Manners.

Because religiosity, that's your relationship with Allah, azza wa jall. And akhlaq and manners, your relationship with the people. You know the person is fit for this.

If you see their relationship with Allah, azza wa jall, is sound. And the relationship with the people is, I want to say, awesome.

But you know what? Good.

I'm satisfied with good these days, really. Because subhanallah, the situation with the culture of individuality. Most of our young men and women today, they live with their own young people more than they live with adults.

So they perpetuate the same problem. They create their own echo chamber. They keep talking to each other, thinking this is the culture of marriage.

It's not. You're listening to the wrong person. If you want to really get married, you need to act like one.

And you need to associate with those who are already married. Otherwise, being all the time with your single friends, you're just going to perpetuate your problem. You're just like cheerleaders for each other.

That's all. So if you really want to get married, act like one and start moving in that direction, inshallah. These are the two qualities that I mentioned, core qualities for marriage.

Peripheral Qualities

Now there are peripheries. And I mean by that, you know, side qualities. People, they have their own standards.

And that's what becomes extremely subjective. I'm going to go over them quickly, inshallah, for you based on my observation. Also what you could hear in books of fiqh.

When the ulema, they said they put this list, basically, when the ulema put the list of qualities, basically. It doesn't necessarily mean it's going to be perpetual until the Day of Judgment. No.

They put in for their times. So when you see what they say about marrying a sayyid, non-sayyid, someone from the family of the prophet and so on, I mean these things might not be applicable to our time right now. When they put the standard of marrying someone from a different culture versus a different color and all these things and so on, maybe fit their standards back then.

Today is a little bit different. We have to observe that these things are actually cultural. And they shift.

They change based on the cultural shift in the societies. There's not like hadith or Quran in this regard to say this is the quality you should always be looking for. So here are some of these qualities people look for in a spouse.

Beauty Standards

Number one, beauty. Again. Now the question, since we said there is no such standard, what is your standard of beauty?

Living in this culture, living in this society, watching a lot of TV and all these ads that you walk around and you see them on buses, on buildings, malls, this and that, they're always bombarding the people with certain standard of beauty known as the European standard of beauty.

If you don't fit that standard, you're ugly. That's what they're telling you. And people, they have to live up to that kind of standard, and they have to start from being with low self-esteem and start now ascending up.

Instead of being at a very high level of confidence and heading up from there, no. We start actually with the negative. So that's why when a guy comes and he always says, do you think I'm handsome enough? I said, yeah.

What's wrong with you? I'm like, I don't know. I mean, I'm afraid that she's going to – I said, if she rejects you for your looks, she's losing. And the brother's just, really? And I'm like – and that's a real scenario, by the way.

That's a real conversation you have with a brother. But what I'm saying is that, subhanallah, we care so much about it. It became so difficult for us just to be satisfied knowing that you are beautiful the way you are because this is a divine design from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.

And whatever Allah designs is beautiful. You have to understand that. That also applies for the sisters.

I mean, if the guys are insecure with their looks – imagine the sisters these days, especially when they come to conferences like this, and the competition begins. So all these sisters are threatened. Like, oh my God, I'm going to go to the hotel room.

Why? Why? Why do you have to be threatened by someone who's been blessed with maybe a different standard of beauty? Not higher. Different standard of beauty. If you look at it being different, you will feel comfortable.

But if you look at it being higher, you're going to always live miserable. You know why? Because there will always be someone who is more beautiful than you. If not today, next year.

So just move on with that. When it comes to beauty, I want you to understand that beauty is only in the eye of the beholder.

And once you set yourself on that, alhamdulillah, everything is going to be beautiful.

Some of you might say, well, what if, what if? You know what? You're not even married yet to even start making assumptions. Just get married and see that the beauty of marriage is beyond the physical interaction. It's not just being physical interaction.

I mean, do you even know how often a husband and wife, they get intimate together in a relationship? Maybe the first few months, that's fine. But then what's after that? There's a long life to go. There's much more into it than just being always intimate with each other.

So relax. When it comes to the guy being handsome, the lady being beautiful, just relax. Set your standard to the normal standard.

I'm not saying lower your standard because there's no such thing as low standard when it comes to beauty. But there's a different standard of beauty that's always there out there.

Age Considerations

Number two, the second quality, age.

Wow. Is that a problem? Of course it is a problem. Today, when we have, mashallah, many brothers have been waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting, and now they're all past 30 years old and so on.

You ask them why they're not married yet. They get depressed. Like this question is like, what's wrong with you? Are you sick or something? That's the meaning of the question today.

So for them, they get really depressed like, I couldn't find anybody. Basically, anyone be satisfied with what they're offering of their standards, subhanallah. That's going to make sure your cell phones are all off.

So then, similar to the sister, age factors become a problem today, especially when the sisters are busy actually finishing their education, and by the time they're done, they realize, oops, means that now I'm already actually past the prime age of marriage. That's difficult to swallow. Now, as a result of having a massive number of sisters of that age group, unfortunately, we're demanding a change in the culture.

You know, I wish I can. I don't control that change. We need to come to a situation, a kind of understanding in the Muslim community that this is becoming a new norm.

To marry at 30 years old, to marry around that age is becoming a new norm in this generation right now. So the fact that you're 30-plus, you're too old for marriage, that's not fair, and that's not right for brothers or sisters. The culture needs to shift right now to understand we're moving into a different generation.

We're going to have to accept these realities. That doesn't mean that men and women should wait too long if they can marry earlier, because the sunnah is to marry as early as you can when you're ready for it. But if it doesn't happen, subhanallah, then we have to accept that the situation is a bit different.

We have to be more tolerant with these kind of condition situations. So what's the age group, basically? What's the age difference anyway then in this case? If you ask most men right now, let me ask these guys, for example. Let's ask the ladies first, ladies first, basically.

Ladies, how many of you would like to marry a guy who is 10 years younger than you? Okay. Guys, how many of you would like to marry a lady who is 10 years younger than you? Well, 10 years was a little bit off, right? But they're still willing, right? Everybody, mashallah. By the way, be careful what you wish for, brother.

Ten years is a gap. Subhanallah, it can be the most beautiful age difference for couples, some couples, and sometimes it's really, really difficult to manage that kind of age difference. So be careful what you wish for.

Now, the average, I would say, the average age difference, that we have is about five years, perhaps, five, six, seven, three, something like that. That's the average age, eventually. And it's reasonable.

Why is that? Because, subhanallah, women, they mature faster than men. So basically, a lady who is 21 years old, ready for marriage, she needs someone who is around 25, 24, 26 years old to match her maturity level. Otherwise, if they marry at 25, both of them, good luck with that.

It's beautiful. There is no doubt about it. And it's, alhamdulillah, absolutely acceptable, amazing, and can happen.

We have an example from the life of the prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم . But the cultural norms are a little bit different these days. So keep in mind the age difference is something people require.

It's not halal, haram thing. People, they have priorities.

Culture and Background

Number three, culture and the background.

One of the most depressing things in this generation today. If you look around you, you will see the texture of the Muslim community, the fabric of the Muslim community, the mosaic that the community is creating, subhanallah, in this society. We are very, very colorful, diverse community.

We are perhaps the most diverse community in America, not even in the world, as Muslims. And still, Muslims try to adhere to one single culture on their own, living their own world. On a micro level, every family is so afraid and so freaking out if their daughter is going to bring a guy from a different culture.

Every parent is dreading the day when my son comes saying, Baba, I'm ready for marriage, I have found the one, mashallah. There she is, and like, uh, does she speak Arabic? The first question, right? Something like that. So subhanallah, we know that the Muslim community is very diverse.

And I personally believe, wallahi, I've been doing this for many years, and I've seen it, I have seen it, what's happened, the damage it's causing to the communities. I believe that the future of the Muslim community in America is diversity. It's not the one monolithic culture.

And if every single family or culture, subculture in the Muslim community always try to adhere to its culture, thinking that, you know what, if we don't, if we give in to this massive diversity in the community, that's it, we're gone. Our kids, they're going to stop eating hummus and falafel, and they're not going to wear shalwars and kameez anymore, all that stuff. Why?

Why is it so sacred to eat falafel and hummus in the morning? If it's something that you can substitute with something else, what's wrong with that? So the culture is actually, is unfortunately causing so many problems in the Muslim community.

I'm not asking here the kids now to rebel. Hey, don't guys take me wrong, all right? Parents, I'm on your side, inshallah.

Because I'm a parent of also four kids.

And I've seen it every day. I know, subhanallah, that when I see my kids growing up in my eyes, and I see their friends as they associate with them, for me, it would be unfair to demand that my kids, they have to marry someone who is from the same culture. I'm not.

I'm open. Because what I need for them is to marry someone with whom they're going to, inshallah, enjoy life with the deen and the akhlaq. They don't have to be Palestinians like us, for example.

They don't have to be. But what I'm saying is that if the kids are going to do that, they're going to have to be reasonable. They're going to have to be reasonable on how to present this to their family.

They need to show maturity in the way they present these issues. Last night, I spoke at the booth, actually at 9 o'clock, about the subject and how you can approach your parents when it comes to addressing the subject of diversity, finding someone from a different culture in the Muslim community.

Socioeconomic Status

Number four, when it comes to... Actually, I want to mention this as the last point on this subject, inshallah.

Number four, the issue of socioeconomic status. The socioeconomic status. The Muslim community in America is, mashallah, one of the most affluent communities in perhaps the minorities, maybe, in America, if not even in the world.

Of course, I would say majority, I would say, in this case. We are recognized as being, mashallah, a very wealthy community.

However, many of the people, mashallah, in that side of the community, many of them, mashallah, they have done an amazing job in developing, alhamdulillah, their career, developing their wealth and their success and so on.

Unfortunately, as a Muslim leader in the community, I have seen this, I observe this of being an individual success story. We don't have that community success, like a whole group of Muslims creating a business or a hospital or something like that.

It's only, mashallah, the contribution of the Muslim community to their own local communities, not even the entire American community.

We're not at that level yet. Most of our success, individual success stories. As a result, there's a huge disparity between the Muslim community, the rich and the poor, and those all in between.

As a result, there's always an expectation when it comes to marriage. Marriage has become the standard of status. Therefore, if your kids want to get married, you're going to have to show the status.

Status of who? Your culture? It doesn't even show your culture. That's your personal culture. Or being a certain background, certain level of, mashallah, of wealth and so on.

So when you spend $150,000 on a wedding or $4 million on a wedding and helicopters and fireworks and all that stuff, which happened actually in Muslim communities somewhere, I don't want to mention where exactly. When you spend that much money on this, Allah bless them with wealth. May Allah bless them and give them even more and more in a halal way, inshallah.

But it doesn't mean to waste your money like this. Similarly, when people would like to set the standard for the mahr, the dowry, at $50,000, $60,000, $70,000, for what? Like insurance. This is just basically like a safety net, just in case.

If they divorce, alhamdulillah rabbil alamin. Seriously? Now you're setting yourself a failure from the beginning. And when you start with this, people, they will know, okay, so you're suspecting me that I'm going to divorce her.

Is that what you're telling me? They want to ask me for $100,000 as a mahr, deferred mahr, and so on. Wrong perceptions, wrong assumptions about one another. That's creating a fitna in the Muslim community.

So when it comes to the socioeconomic status, there is no doubt. It's good, and it's better that we have the compatibility. For the Muslim community, having the compatibility is very crucial, very important, as much as you can.

So the more you share, the more qualities you share together, the better it will be, inshallah tabaraka wa ta'ala. However, that doesn't mean success in marriage only depends on these qualities. Because those who are married, they will tell you, no, it's not about this.

It's going to be about how you behave in the relationship. This is where the deen and the akhlaq will play a major role, deen and akhlaq. And if you have the deen, the fear of Allah azza wa jal, and you have the good manners, whatever relationship you start is going to be successful.

I guarantee you that. Ali ibn Abi Talib radiyallahu anhu, as a matter of fact, once was asked by a man, he says (إِن لِي جَارِيَة - I have my daughter). She's almost close to the age of marriage right now, he said.

To whom should I give her in marriage? (قَالَ زَوِّجْهَا مَنْ يَتَّقِي اللَّهَ فِيهَا - Give her to the one who fears Allah azza wa jal). (فَإِنَّهُ إِنْ أَحَبَّهَا أَكْرَمَهَا - If he fears Allah, if he loves her, he will be so generous with her). (وَإِنْ كَرِهَهَا أَوْ أَبْغَضَهَا لَمْ يَظْلِمْهَا - And if he disliked her, he would never be oppressive to her).

He would never oppress her. Meaning he's going to always be fair, always be kind with her. So these are the qualities that will matter the most in the relationship.

A marriage that's going to cost you $70,000, $100,000 for one single night, two or three nights, one week, let it be. Guess what? The next day, you're going to have the same breakfast you had the week before. And then we realize, that's it? I thought when you get married, you have fancy breakfast.

Inshallah, five years from now, we're still learning right now. So therefore, you're going to need to bring back things to reality. Marriage is not really about all these qualities before marriage.

It's about how you behave, how you handle yourself, your akhlaq, your manners, your character, your treatment for one another.

The Ultimate Principle of Success in Marriage

That's why when Allah azza wa jal gave us the ultimate principle of success in the Qur'an when it comes to relations between a husband and wife, He said (وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ - (Quran 4:19)) - Treat them kindly. This is the ultimate rule of success in any relationship.

When you treat each other kindly, not in a mean way, not in a selfish way, that's when relations, alhamdulillah, flourish and improve. Otherwise, they will be destroyed.

Post-Nikah, Pre-Consummation Period

So first of all, the topic that we're going to talk about right now is what's permissible post-nikah but pre-marriage.

When a husband and wife, when a young man and woman, they have their nikah done, but they decided to wait until next year so they can graduate or until grandma XYZ comes from India to come and attend the wedding or whatever actually that they decide to defer the marriage for, it doesn't matter. They have their own reasons, right? So what is this called right now?

We call this period celibate marriage. And the meaning of saying celibate marriage, that means you are a husband and wife.

Islamically, once you have your nikah done, you are considered a husband and wife, but it's like a celibate marriage, which means we assume that you guys are not going to get overexcited, you're not going to consummate the marriage without permission, very much. However, among the younger

generation, many of them, they pressure their parents and they pressure one another, basically, as a young husband and wife, and they want to just go full force. Basically, let's finish it.

And they want to consummate their marriage. Is that acceptable Islamically? Is that allowed? Is that halal? And in this case, how far can we go together and so on?

Khutbah vs. Nikah

There is a great misconception among the young people between the engagement or what we call in the Arabic language khitbah, because the English translation for engagement is similar to nikah in the Arabic language. So when you use the word engagement in English, it might actually resemble the actual marriage contract.

So in the Arabic language, khitbah, which is translated as engagement, basically is just the promise to get married. It's a promise to get married. Like, for example, we agree, and inshallah, we're just waiting for the right time to have the official nikah to be done.

This is called khitbah right now. During this time, what is permissible? What is permissible? You're permissible to get to know each other. You get to speak to one another.

You get basically to eventually encourage each other, of course, inshallah, to kind of increase that relationship or that love, so that you have the nikah, inshallah, done afterwards and so forth. But no physical interaction should be done at that time.

Hijab should not be removed during that time, as well as there should be actually a mahram involved in that during that time, whether this is through correspondence or actual phone conversation.

And I recommend during that time the conversation should be actually in a public place in the house instead of being in your private room while you still don't even have a nikah done yet. So that's actually something that needs to be taken into consideration, knowing the culture of our time. With all due respect, privacy during this age, Allah al-musta'an, is almost close to zero.

You can't even go into a hotel elevator without looking at the camera up there. Let's say what? And even when you don't know that when the elevator goes up, what happens? It's all actually a window, inshallah, going to the whole world. So privacy is a big issue these days.

So therefore you be careful with that, and you should guard the chastity of one another until the nikah is done.

After Nikah is Done

Then once the nikah is done, then you are legally, Islamically, considered a husband and wife. I know.

Once we hear the word alhamdulillah and now I announce you as a husband and wife, basically the other statement in the nikah, they think now you can kiss the bride, right? And they're just like, man, why can't we do this like everybody else? Well, culturally speaking, we prefer to delay that until you guys are ready to move in together, whether you call it consummation of marriage, ad-dukhool, rukhsati, whatever you want to call it. That's what it is basically. So, and then you have the walima afterwards.

During this time, what are you allowed to do? Can you talk over the phone? Of course you can talk over the phone. Do you have to have a mahram involved? Of course not. Now there's a husband and wife speaking.

Okay, how far can we go with our language and our speaking and so on? Can we talk about sensitive issues and so on? You're a husband and wife right now. You can talk if you want to. What about, you know, Skype, for example? He lives in one state and I live in the other state.

We're in a cross-country, for example, across even the ocean. Can we Skype? You're a husband and wife. That's okay.

However, I want you to be careful. When you Skype, that Skype is not in thin air, just to let you know, although it is anyway.

But the thing is that it is being recorded somewhere on the servers.

So be careful what you ask for on the Skype or on the camera. All right? Keep it modest still. Also, if you send pictures to one another, I don't recommend that at all.

Especially if the dukhool is not done yet, the consummation didn't happen yet. Because I've dealt with some cases, actually, a few cases, not so many, alhamdulillah, in which the nikah was never fulfilled.

And as it is, actually, the nikah was done, but the consummation didn't happen yet.

And within that period, something wrong happened, didn't work out, they got divorced, and there was a huge scandal over some e-mails were sent to each other, very intimate, you know, language and so forth. Some of them even have explicit pictures and so forth. Between a husband and wife, but subhanallah, shaitan is clever.

When you feel that you've been oppressed in a situation like that, audhubillah, shaitan can justify everything for you. Even exposing the one who was your spouse, just maybe a few days before. Shaitan is clever, so be careful with these things.

Going Out Together

How about getting out together without a mahram? They are allowed to do that. But is it okay for a parent to set, let's say, a curfew? And say, hey, you want to go for dinner? 10 p.m., that's the max. 10

p.m., what? There's not even time yet for the dinner to arrive.

No, 10 p.m. is 10 p.m. So based on this, who has the right of obedience on the spouse, on the wife in this case? Is it the husband, the young husband, or the experienced father? See, the guys are quiet right now. Like, I thought you were on my side, right? That's what you said, right? Well, the ulama, they say, actually, in this regard, not yet until she moves actually with him, she moves in with him. So if she lives under the roof of her father, she is under her father's orders right now.

What if the husband gets upset? That means he's not mature yet. So don't you ever defy the authority of your father at that time because that shows actually bad qualities, red flags, and it's going to be nasty. So therefore, be respectful, understand the situation.

And the lady as well, you need to make sure that you also kind of keep the limits. He needs to understand, you need to understand as well.

Consummation Without Parents' Approval

However, what if the husband and wife, they decided to consummate the marriage without the approval of their parents? Did they commit zina? Is that considered fornication, adultery? No, it's not.

But tradition, we always expect them to wait until then. So therefore, and I personally also prefer that you don't go that far. You're very young, perhaps not experienced with that.

So therefore, don't even try it yet until you move in officially together after the wedding. Subhanallah, you don't know what happens. What if Allah, azza wa jalla, was for someone to die before this happened? And I've actually had an incident like this in a certain community when the death happened just close to the wedding time.

And subhanallah, the lady actually, she admitted that they consummated the marriage. Is that haram? No, it's not haram. But now she's basically, what am I going to do right now? There is an assumption that she's never been touched by a man or whatever, but this is the case.

It's not haram because, again, that's her husband, but she's ashamed to admit that to her family and so on. You don't want to put yourself in a situation like this. This is just a group of the list that I have over here in this regard.

We can, (إِنْ شَاءَ ٱللَّٰهُ - inshallah), take some time for questions.