My Conduct with my Parents
By Yaser Birjas | 2026-01-13T07:29:07.539296+00:00 | Topic: Relationships
My Conduct with My Extended Family
By Sheikh Yaser Birjas
Opening Remarks
As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. So basically, who's going to claim who on the tax return? Right? That becomes an issue. And when the checks come back, who's going to cash it? Right? That's a very serious issue. May Allah make it easy for you guys on this matter.
Challenges of Extended Family Living
Parenting Conflicts
Like, I want my kids to eat healthy. My mother-in-law, who cares? Let them enjoy it. Let them eat. Mashallah. Or they shouldn't be eating that much after this hour. Don't give them too much candy and sugar. But the kids keep, you know, and the family gets involved. So parenting becomes an issue as well, too, in these scenarios. Okay, so these are the disadvantages.
Advantages of Living with Extended Family
But don't tell me it's always bad. There must be some advantages for living with your parents. What are they? What do you get as advantage?
Free babysitting. Free babysitting. You don't have to pay anything. You just go tell your mother-in-law or father-in-law, By the way, we're going to go have a date, inshallah, at dinner right now. So can you take care of the kids for us? They will love to do that. Hopefully, of course, yeah.
Wisdom and experience. Wisdom and experience. So you have, mashallah, the wise mom and dad who can help you with a lot of things in terms of life. Now, obviously, with, you know, with a lot of grain of salt, every advice might come in. Because, again, generations are different. Not every advice they give might fit within the context of your situation. But still, they have a lot of wisdom. Subhanallah. No matter how much we say, you know, we could be more religious than our parents. We can be smarter than our parents. But they have an advantage over us we cannot match. And that's the life experience. They lived at least 20, 30 years before us. So therefore really know about life much more than what we think.
Better food. They cook better food than us. They cook better food than us. Mashallah. So you have a free catering as well, you could say. So alhamdulillah, that's advantage.
Birr al-Walidayn becomes easier. Yeah. Alhamdulillah, free access to Birr al-Walidayn. Gates of al-Jannah. You have gates to al-Jannah, alhamdulillah. If things go easy, of course. Subhanallah.
Financial support. What does that mean? Saving some money, right? Free mortgage, probably. Living, you know, without having to pay rent. Probably. But it's easier because if they live separate, you're probably going to be more responsible towards them financially. And that now, some of your money has to go out there.
Islamic Perspective on Family Living
So there are a lot of advantages, disadvantages when it comes to living with our families. Is it halal, haram? The answer is actually, it's neutral. There is no such thing as halal or haram to live with your parents. And there's no such thing as obligation that you have to live with your parents. No.
What happens here, Islamically, it depends on the circumstances. It depends on, of course, the cultural arrangement. These are cultural arrangements. If the parents reach that age where they cannot physically or financially live on their own, then it becomes the responsibility of their children to take care of them. Whether to move in with them or bring the family to move in with you.
Authority and Household Dynamics
What's the difference between you moving in with your parents or your parents moving in with you? What's the difference? Is there any difference? So they're independent. Oh, but what's the difference if you move in with them or they're moving in with you? What's the difference here? So they establish their system in that household. And if you cannot come in and move in to help them out, how do you feel in that household? As the guest. So it becomes confusion of authority. Who is the one who has the authority?
If the mother-in-law, father-in-law move in with you, obviously you and your wife expect to have the final say in many things. But because of the elders right now of the community, the family, they think they have the say in it. So there's confusion. Who has the right to move the furniture this way or that way or change colors or do this or do that or invite people or otherwise? A lot of things actually could happen as a result of that.
How do we resolve these issues? Of course, cultural arrangements. These are all cultural arrangements and you have to make sure that you speak about it together and set the expectation right.
Definition of Family in Islam
So this is just kind of like introduction to what we're going to talk about inshallah. So let's first define what usra or aila or family is. In the Arabic language, family, there are multiple words for it. But the most common word in the Arabic language is usra and aila, we say. Usra is more actual proper than aila and it's more commonly used.
Etymology of Usra
And when we say usra for family, let's talk about where it's coming from. So you understand what does it exactly mean. Usra, when I say usra, what does it mean exactly? What's other word in Arabic that comes to your mind when you hear the word usra? What is it? Asara, which means captivity. When someone is captive. So it's called aseer in the Arabic language.
So how does captivity is related or correlate with usra? Always together or? Does the captive have choice in his captivity? No. So you as a part of an usra, you're basically you're captive. You're being captured and you're captive to the blood ties. So that's why they say usra. From that means you got all together in this and you have no choice in that kind of arrangement.
However, it also al-usra comes with the meaning of obligations, meaning of rights, obviously. So it gets give that meaning that we're all related in rights and obligations towards each other.
Quranic Terminology for Family
Now in the Quran, the word usra doesn't exist, actually, in that sense. Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala use other words to refer to family. And the common words in the Quran is ashira and ahl. So the example that we see here in this in these two ayahs.
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala tell the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم - sallallahu alayhi wa sallam):
"And warn your closest kin or family."
In the other ayah, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says to Ismail alayhi salam:
"And command your family to prayer and be steadfast therein."
So the word again, ashira and ahl is most commonly used in the Quran because it has actually the word ashira and ahl has a sentimental meaning to it better than the word usra. Like usra is the captivity, like you're captive to these ties, to the blood ties. But ashira and ahl has a sentimental value of being part of this gathering or this family.
Islamic Definition of Family
How do you define a family, technically speaking? As Muslims, when it comes to family, there's a specific definition for it. It's divinely inspired institution with marriage as its core. It's a divinely inspired institution. When we say divinely inspired institution, what do you mean by that?
Divine Guidance in Family Structure
Marriage contract? Where do you get that from, divinely inspired? From the word institution, right? If it's an institution, it's an organization. Organizations have their bylaws, their system and everything. So there is a contract that comes into it. But okay, it's a blessing from Allah. We say divinely inspired, right? But when we say divinely inspired, what comes into this? All the rules and obligations, where do you find them? The Quran and the Sunnah of the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم - sallallahu alayhi wa sallam).
And if it's divinely inspired, is it left for us to decide what family is? It's divinely inspired. So when it comes to the definition of family, it's already been decided in the Quran and the Sunnah of the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم - sallallahu alayhi wa sallam).
Modern Challenges to Family Definition
What about in the 21st century? People today are trying to redefine family. And they sometimes enforce it, they shove it down our throat, regardless whether we like it or not. I don't know how many of you have seen some of the cartoons where they try to normalize the definition of family. Like you can be a family whether it's a husband and wife together or actually two of the same gender with kids as a family. I understand that's the definition of the 21st century.
But Islamically, it's easily defined as a husband and wife with their children and extended family. As simple as that. And I don't know how many of you pay attention to the subtle messages they send in cartoons as well too.
Quranic Foundation of Family
For Muslims, who believe in divine revelation, that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala already inspired the meaning of it, we find that in Surah An-Nisa, which is the very first ayah in Surah An-Nisa, the chapter of women. And the chapter of women, for those who don't really know what the chapter is all about, it is considered in the modern terms, it's considered more of like a social reform. Back in those days, the social culture of that time was horrible.
So when Islam came and introduced these reforms in Surah An-Nisa, they were revolutionary to their time. Today, when we bring these issues up, people just like, you know, brush them off. Why? Because, yeah, we know about that stuff, like we're way advanced. But yeah, at that time, when this was revealed, it was revolutionary.
The Opening Verse of Surah An-Nisa
From the very beginning of Surah An-Nisa, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says:
"O mankind, fear your Lord who created you from one soul and created from it its mate and dispersed from them many men and women. And fear Allah, through whom you ask one another, and the wombs [that bore you]."
All mankind, all people, He didn't say all who believed. He said all people, all mankind, fear your Lord who created you from the same person. One single soul. From that person or that soul, He created its mate, which means the spouse. From that first pair, He dispersed so many men and women.
And as you can see right now, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is saying how families are formed. And then He says, Therefore you fear Allah by the right and obligations by the name of Allah azza wa jal. When you get married, what do you say? By the name of Allah, right? Which means beware of your blood ties and your kinship.
Contemporary Definition of Family
There's another definition, contemporary definition of family. It is a group of people tied together through rights of matrimony, which means marriage. Leading to an expanded or extended and diverse interpersonal relationships. Once you get married, suddenly your titles change, right? The moment that the stranger, man and woman, they get together in words of matrimony, they become now what? What do we call them? Husband and wife, all of a sudden.
Before that they didn't have that title. And the moment they become husband and wife after saying I do and I accept, what happens to their parents? What do they become? Father-in-law, mother-in-law, all of a sudden, right? Your siblings, what do they become? Brother-in-law, sister-in-law, all of a sudden. And then the moment you have a child, what happens? Oh man, new titles. What do you become? Mom, dad. Then you have grandma, grandpa, and then you have uncle, aunt, you name it.
And if you have other siblings who are married and have kids, what do you have right now for your children? Cousins. As you can see, without the core of family, which is marriage, being at its core, you can't establish all these interpersonal relationships, Islamically. Maybe biologically you can, but technically without the words of matrimony in itself, it doesn't qualify to be an extended family in that sense. And they're bound by mutual rights and obligations.
Formation of Family Ties
How are family ties formed? Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala mentioned that in the Quran:
"And it is He who has created from water a human being and made him [a relative by] lineage and marriage. And ever is your Lord competent."
It is He subhanahu wa ta'ala who created from water a human being. Like we've been created from water. And then He says, And He made them into nasab and sihr. Nasab, that is now your blood ties. Sihr, the
Ties of Kinship
ties of kinship that you have through marriage. So again, the nasab is the people related to you by blood. And musahra or sihr, those are related to you through the marriage.
So we have two major ways of establishing a family or a kinship. Through blood ties and through marriage.
Prohibited Marriages in Islam
And here Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has even given us more detail. Not just given us these two terms. No, He's given in detail. Surah an-Nisa, He says:
It was made unlawful to you in terms of marrying them. Not allowed to marry them. He's speaking to whom right now? Speaking to men, right? Okay, why didn't He speak to women? Well, because when it comes to marriage, who usually is expected to propose? The girl or the boy? The boy or his family.
So therefore we speak to the men in terms of their relationship, who they're allowed to marry or who they're not allowed to get married to. So you can switch that. If a woman talks right now or the woman wants to understand her relationships, switch all of this. Instead of saying, your mothers, your father. The woman speaks to herself.
So here Allah jalla jalaluhu says, Your mothers, not allowed to marry them. Your daughters. Your sisters. Now when we talk about your sister, what does it mean exactly? All of them. Full sisters, half sisters. Meaning from the mother's side, the father's side, they're all considered haram.
In English there's one word for it, aunts. But in Arabic, paternal aunts. And maternal aunts. This is now your niece. Whether it's coming from your brother's side or your sister's side. The mothers, breastfeeding, milk ties right now. Sisters whom you had acquired through breastfeeding from the same mother.
If a child was nursed in one particular household from that mother, it becomes like a mahram to them. We're going to mention it more in details afterwards. mothers of your wives. Which means your mother-in-law.
This is your step-daughter right now. Your step-daughter from the woman, from your wife, with whom you have consummated the marriage with. And then Allah says, But if you did not consummate the marriage with their mothers, and it didn't work out, then you are not allowed to marry the daughters. You are. If there was no consummation of that marriage.
Now these are your daughter-in-law. From the boys who are blood children to you. Not adopted or anything like that. And to marry two sisters at the same time, you are not allowed to do that. But in succession, let's say if you marry somebody and then she passes away for example, are you allowed to marry her sister? The answer is yes. You can marry her sister.
What if you had kids from her sister? Can you marry the kid's aunt? The answer is yes. You can do that. It's permissible.
And the ayah following that says:
"And [also prohibited to you are all] married women."
What does that mean? You can't propose to a lady who is already married. Like telling her, Hey, I'm a better husband for you than this guy. Trust me. You can't say that. It's not allowed. It's called taqbeeb in Islam and it's actually, it's prohibited.
Family Circles and Rights
So based on this, let's talk about the rules of engagement. We have so many extended and expanded relationships. How do we understand that?
Now, when it comes to the family, who has more right upon me? That's the question many, many people have in their mind. Well, if you look at the circle, this is the three circles we have over here that defines the different layers of the family. We have the core. That's the inner circle. Then you have the mahram circle. That's the central circle. And then you have the outer circle. That's the extended family.
Rules of Family Rights
Now, rules about this. Number one, the closer to the core, the more rights members have upon you. So those who are closer to the core, then they have more rights than those who are farther from the core. Like someone who's in the mahram circle, they have more rights on you than someone who's in the extended family circle. So it depends on how close or far they are to you.
Also, anyone who is directly related to a family member has more rights than one who leads to that member through another member. What does that mean? Who has more rights on you? Your child or the child of your child? Your child or the child of your child? What do you call the child of your child? Grandchildren. Who has more rights on you? Your grandchildren or your children?
I know now feeding and sentiments, you know, says, Oh, my grandchildren. Well, I'll throw my child away. I'll take my grandchild because they're younger and they're sweeter, right? Well, that's sentimental value.
But we're talking about technical rules. No, those are closer to you. They have more rights on you than those who are farther than you.
So therefore, is it your uncle or your cousin? Uncle, right? Because the uncle's closer. But I'm closer to my cousin. He's my cousin. She's my cousin. I know that part, the emotional part. But in terms of rights and obligation, actually the one who's closer has more rights on you than the one who's farther.
Prophetic Guidance on Family Priorities
So where do we get that from? We get that from the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam when he told us:
(Ibn Majah 3658)
"Allah advises you, Allah reminds you to duties in regards to your mothers. Then your mothers. Then your fathers. Then you go from that one who's closer and closer to you."
So he said mothers twice and fathers third. Then he said, Then you go from that one who's closer and closer to you. Is that clear?
The Core Circle
How do you visualize that? Let's look at this. When it comes to now the core. The core circle is made of who? Husband and wife, their parents and grandparents all the way up, and their children and grandchildren all the way down. Is that clear? So the core circle is you and your spouse, your parents, both of them, and their parents all the way up as far as they can get because some families mashallah they marry very early so they have five generations together in one picture. Right? That's the same thing.
They have the same rights. Also your children and grandchildren all the way down. The children, grandchildren all the way down. Is that clear? So this is what we call the core circle. They have rights, very strict and sophisticated rights among themselves.
The Mahram Circle
The second circle. We have the mahram or the unmarriageable kin. And that is the central circle. You remember guys the circle we had before has actually three portions, right? Like a pizza, three pieces. These three pieces, they're A, B, and C, which means why they're considered mahram.
You can establish a mahram relationship with somebody based on specific criteria.
Blood Ties
Number one, and that's the largest as you can see by blood ties. Blood ties. Which is when you, if you remember ayat an-nisa, most of the first section of the surah was about blood ties. Your mother, your sisters, your aunts, your uncles, right?
Marriage Ties
The second one is by marital ties or marriage ties. So when you get married, you establish mother-in-law, father-in-law relationship and so on. And son-in-law and daughter-in-law. Also, by marriage, you have a new relationship for stepchildren. Like once you get married to somebody with children and you consummate the marriage with their father or their mother, then in this case they become mahram to you forever.
What if we get divorced? They're still mahram to you forever. Is that clear? Your stepchildren, after the consummation of marriage with their parents, even if the relationship doesn't last long and they get divorced, then these children, they're still mahram to you forever.
Milk Ties
And the third one is by milk ties. What does that mean? Breastfeeding. And how do we do that? Well, breastfeeding, basically, I want you to imagine a copy of the blood ties, like treating a child who was nursed in that family as if this child, boy or girl, was an actual biological child of that family. The same thing.
So the kids, they become like part of the family. The siblings are considered like mahram to them. The parents, the uncles and aunts, all that extension of the family applies to this child because of the milk ties.
Only the child that nursed in that family, what if that child that nursed in that family has biological siblings? Those biological siblings, they're not mahram. They're not mahram to his milk family. But they're mahram to that child.
Let's say family A has children. Family B has children. A child from family B, let's say a boy, he nursed into family A. So that child, let's call him Muhammad. Muhammad right now nursed in this family. All the children of family A become mahram to him. Okay? They have girls. And also the aunts and so on. But his siblings, Muhammad's siblings, they're only mahram to him because he's a biological child to them. They're not mahram to the other family because there's no connection between them at all. Is that clear?
Requirements for Milk Ties
Now the question people ask is how many nurses, how many times makes a mahram? Now ulama, they have difference of opinion. Some they say one meal is enough. And some ulama, they say five. According to hadith Aisha radiallahu ta'ala anha. Others, they say ten. I believe, wallahul alam, hadith Aisha is clear on making it five full meals.
When we say five full meals, what does it mean? It means a child nurses until the child falls asleep while nursing or stops breastfeeding. That's considered one meal. Does it have to be directly? Can we just give
the milk through a bottle? Yeah, that's fine. As long as it's the milk from that mother. It doesn't really matter.
So this is something to be clear about. Once you have a child who nursed enough times in that family and this household, becomes mahram to them.
The Extended Family Circle
Now, the extended family, going again to the third layer of that family. This is what we call the outer circle or they call them in the Arabic al-hawashi, like saying collateral relations. Cousins, all degrees, which means first cousin, second cousin, third cousin.
We talk about first cousin, second cousin, third cousin. Who has more right on you? What do you guys think? The first cousin, why? Because they're closer than the second cousin. But what if I'm closer to my third cousin? Because we're the same age and so on. That's fine. That's okay. You can have this relationship together.
But if there is any legal or technical obligation, it goes first to the closer one than the father one. Brother-in-law and sister-in-law and their children. So the brother or sister-in-law also becomes part of that circle. So as you can see, the mother-in-law, father-in-law, in which circle do they go? The second one. And the brother-in-law and sister-in-law, they go into the third one. So the parents-in-law are closer.
Silat ur-Rahm: Maintaining Family Ties
So what is our obligation towards our relatives? It's what we call it silat ur-rahm. That's what we call silat ur-rahm. In the Arabic language, the word silat means connection, to connect. So that's the meaning, to connect. And ur-rahm means the womb. So how do you connect the womb in this case?
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala chose very uniquely to call this relationship with family to remind them with the reason why we consider it family. Because we come almost from the connected wombs, basically, from the mothers and so on. So that's to connect the ties of kinship.
And we have two kinds of kinship over here. We have what we call ur-rahm, or in English, the closest to it is kinship. And we have al-aqarib, which means relatives. And they were mentioned in the Qur'an, by the way. And the hadith of Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam as well.
Quranic Reference to Family Bonds
As Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says in this ayah over here:
Prophetic Teaching on Family Priorities
In translation, they use blood relationships. But ar-ham means anyone who's related to you through, of course, the blood ties.
As for the al-aqarib, or the relatives, another actual example of ur-rahm, the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم), he was asked:
(Ahmad 11501)
"Who should I give my birr to? The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) says Your mom and your dad. Your sister and your brother. And then the mawla, which is basically a system back then, more like naturalizing someone within the family as part of a slavery system, after they are free, they become part of the family, in that sense. It's an obligation upon you. And that is a connected rahm."
A connected rahm, which means blood ties. If you guys notice the hadith here, when the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) was speaking about who takes the rights, whom did he introduce first? The male or the female? The female. Mother, father, and then he says, sister, brother. He didn't say your brother first and then sister second. He says, no, your sister and then your brother. Because again, that requires more attention.
It requires more to give them more attention because as you can see in our society, unfortunately, their rights are more abused or easy to abuse than the rights of the male members of the family.
Allah's Command Regarding Relatives
As for the aqarib, Allah (جَلَّ جَلالُهُ) says:
"Say, [O Muhammad], I do not ask you for this message any payment [but] only good will through [due] kinship."
I'm not asking you for anything. I'm not asking you to give me money or pay me anything. I'm doing this out of my obligations towards you as my relatives. Towards you as my relatives.
The Prophet's Call to His Extended Family
In the hadith, the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم), he expanded his relatives. When he first was given the command and the permission to introduce the da'wah publicly, he called everybody. So when the people of Mecca, they arrived and he started speaking to them, then he (صلى الله عليه وسلم) specifically started speaking to his family, meaning his expanded and extended family.
So he started saying:
(Bukhari 2753)
"Oh, Ka'b ibn Luhay, like his fourth, maybe fifth cousin relatives. He began from way up there. Then he says, Protect yourself from the fire, I can't help you."
Then he goes down to the second maybe level. He goes:
And then he goes to the closest, his grandfather right now. Before that, and then he goes now to his immediate family, speaking to his daughter Fatimah:
And he told her, "Protect yourself from the fire. I can't help you in front of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى) with anything except through ar-rahm which means the kinship or the relative relationships."
So again, it has been decided who's closer and who's farther. What happens in our time is when people mixed up the closest with the farthest just because of sentimental values. Sentimental values, okay, take care of yourself and each other because you're close to age, close to culture, close to, you know, experience living together. But when there are certain technical rights and obligations you go by the order of the family system.
The Origin and Importance of Silat ur-Rahm
Now, where is the name silat ur-rahm coming from? Hadith of the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) who says that Allah (عَزَّ وَجَلَّ) when He created ar-rahm, when He created the womb, He says:
(Tirmidhi 1907)
"I created ar-rahm the womb, and gave ar-rahm the womb, a name from my name."
So the name of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى) is Ar-Rahman and He chose to name it ar-rahm which means mercy, compassion.
I think the word mahram we mentioned actually earlier means the unmarriageable kin. Al-mahram is the unmarriageable kin, someone you're not allowed to marry because of blood ties, that's what it means.
The Importance of Maintaining Family Ties
Now, when the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) was asked about something that brings us closer to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى) to get into Al-Jannah, to stay away from Jahannam, he says:
(Bukhari 5983)
"You worship Allah, don't associate partners with Him. You establish Salah, Give your zakah, And you maintain the tie of kinship."
This is how important silat ur-rahm is.
Also, to show the importance of silat ur-rahm, Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى) says:
"And give the near of kin his due."
It's a command in the Qur'an that you give, those are related to you, the rights. So the rights of your relatives is an obligation upon you, it's not a choice. But what are these obligations? That's something decided afterwards.
Also, to show the importance of silat ur-rahm, if someone wants to have his name to be extended beyond their lifetime, or they want their rizq to expand as well too, then take care of your arham and your relatives. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) says:
(Bukhari 5985)
"Whoever would like his sustenance to be increased and his life to be extended, then let him uphold the ties of kinship."
Because when you maintain good ties with your kinship, your name will be actually extended among the people. And even after long you're gone, they keep remembering you, and then generations later they keep saying, mashaAllah, my grandfather, my great grandfather was such and such. And also the rizq, Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى) put barakah in the value of what He gives you.
Also, to show the importance of silat ur-rahm Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى), when He created ar-rahm, He mentioned, again in a manner that suits His Majesty, ar-rahm spoke to Allah (عَزَّ وَجَلَّ) and asking Allah's protection from being cut off. So Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى) says:
(Bukhari 5987)
"Would you be pleased if someone connects you, I connect them with me. If someone decides to cut you off, I cut them off from me."
And of course that's a very dangerous thing, so therefore make sure to maintain a good and healthy relationship with your arham.
How to Maintain Family Ties
And how do I do that? Okay, I understand, it's very important, it's very scary not to maintain ties of kinship, but how do I do that? So in general terms, the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said to us:
(Bukhari 5991)
"The one who maintains ties of kinship is not the one who reciprocates. The one who maintains ties of kinship is the one who, when his ties are cut, connects them."
If you guys remember from last night's session, these rules, it's an unmeasured obligation, like the call for us to do it with ihsan. So when the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) was asked, how do I do that, he goes, to be somebody who maintains a tie of kinship is not to be a copycat. If they do good, you do good. If they do bad, you do bad. No, that's not what it is.
Instead, if they do good, you do better. And if they do bad, what do they do? Still, you do good. That's the meaning of being mukafir right now.
Now our ulama also they say, except unless maintaining that ties of kinship can bring harm to you, whether physical harm or anything else, but again, don't be easy in trying to define harm. So you need to ask somebody who can help you define if this is right or wrong. Like for example, people say, every time I go to my family's house, my parents' house, they're so hard, they're so difficult on me, they make my life difficult.
Now making it difficult is one thing, but making it dangerous is another thing. So that's something you need to define what it means and explain to the shaykh when he asks the question.
A Practical Example from the Prophet's Time
Also, a man came to the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) and he says, I have some relatives. I'm always trying to maintain good ties with them, they keep cutting me off. I'm trying to be nice to them, they always reply with being bad to me. They always act foolish towards me, but I'm very patient with them.
Now what exactly was he asking right now? What do you guys think? Like he's just asking, did I do my part? Shall I cut him off? I'm done. Which is a very common question people ask. They come to the shaykh and say, Shaykh, I try my best, but every time I go there, my iman goes down, I lose my mind, this and that, like they're asking, can I cut them off?
Well the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم), he told this man, If it's true what you're saying about you being always initiating being good and so and so, and they're always replying with being bad towards you, He's just like rubbing ashes in their faces. Like this is so good from you, and he's just kind of like rubbing ash in their face. And you always have an angel with you to support you as long as you maintain that attitude. Once you switch, that's it. You're on your own.
Which means, the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) is saying, you have the option to continue like this or stay away from it.
Categories of Family Relations
So we have categories of rahim, going quickly over this inshaAllah (وَتَعَالَى).
Birr al-Walidayn (Kindness to Parents)
Bir al-walidayn. We spoke about this yesterday in details. We're not going to mention that here. So we just want you to know that first of all, bir al-walidayn.
Children
Number two, children. Allah (جَلَّ جَلالُهُ) says in the Qur'an:
"O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones."
Here's a question. There's so many verses in the Qur'an about the rights of parents. Why won't you have that many ayat in the Qur'an about the rights of children? What do you guys, why do you think? Because it's natural. It's natural to be inclined to take care of your babies and children. That's a very natural thing. Fitrah, right? But to take care of your parents, you require divine intervention.
It requires divine intervention to remind you to take care of your parents. But we're kids, there's no need for that. It's natural for us to do that.
The Spouse
The spouse. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) says in the hadith:
(Tirmidhi 3895)
"The best among all of you are those who are best to their wives, and I'm the best to my wife."
That's what he said (صلى الله عليه وسلم). Which means he's telling us what? Look at my example, follow what I do.
Siblings
So we have the parents, we have the children, we have the spouse, and then comes our siblings. You know, I read a study last year, subhanAllah, on the subject of siblings' relationships. They say, and it's very ironic, it's the type of relationship, the type of family relationship that has least studies in academia.
There isn't much really about siblings' relationships. Although the irony about it is that siblings' relationship will outlast probably any other family relationship. What does that mean? Your relationship with your siblings could be longer than your relationship with your parents, and it might even outlast your relationship with your children.
How so? Because you might live in a time where your parents died relatively earlier than others, you still have your siblings to live longer with them. And you might get married later in your life, so you're not going to have much time with your children, but most of your blood ties will be with your siblings.
If you pay attention to this, jama'ah, this is the most important part of your blood tie that you need to maintain and keep it healthy. And unfortunately, our society today is the least important among all the blood ties. With siblings, people, they easily cut ties over many, many things, subhanAllah. They didn't come to the wedding of our child, they didn't pay enough in that wedding, while they brought the food, I don't know, they brought catering, this is disrespectful.
Silly things. People cut ties on silly things, so be careful with that.
Examples from the Prophets
SubhanAllah, look at the ayah over here. When Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala revealed or commissioned Musa alayhi salam to the Prophethood, what did Musa think about? First thing came to his mind. The first person came to his mind is what? His brother. Wow, this is an unbelievable thing.
Can you imagine if something good happens to you, the first person comes to your mind, instead of your friend or your cousin, is actually your brother or your sister? And that requires lots of bonding with each other. And that's why he said, Ya Rabb, my brother Haroon, could you please commission him to the Prophethood as well too? I mean a gift like being a prophet, Allahu Akbar, that's unbelievable.
Also, we've seen the story of Yusuf alayhi salam. No matter what they did to him, look how awful they did to Yusuf alayhi salam. Not just through the process of throwing him in the well and all that stuff and so on. No, later on, later on when they came poor, deprived, and now they're looking for charity from this king who was the brother. They didn't know that.
And then when Yusuf plotted, you know, the whole thing with his own full brother, he asked him, he said, Listen, I'm going to put the measurement in your case. We'll take you back from that. When he did that, and he came to them, he goes, Hold on a second. Let's see. We're missing something over here. You guys just stole it from us. He goes, No, we didn't do that. We can't.
And then when they found it in the brother of the case, he said, You see, we told you. What was their response?
"If he steals - a brother of his has stolen before."
If he did that, he had a brother before. He did the same. And then in his face, speaking about Yusuf alayhi salam. I mean, if you were in the position of Yusuf, what would you tell them? You were just like, You know what? You're done. I'm done with you guys. Get out of here. Don't come back again.
Instead, he said, You know what? No. But he just He kept it in his heart. He didn't want to bring that out to them in that moment. Still, towards the end of the story, when he told them who he was and they knew that it was Yusuf alayhi salam. And they all got together as family.
Instead of always pointing fingers. It's your fault. Your fault. You're the one to blame. Blah, blah, blah. What did he say? He gave them full amnesty.
"No reproach will there be upon you today. Allah will forgive you; and He is the most merciful of the merciful."
No harm. No blame. Forget it. Let's throw it behind our backs. Let's start, you know, clean slate together. Allah will forgive you. And who? He's the most merciful.
He didn't even say, by the way. He didn't even say, I forgive you. Like he didn't want to make them feel guilty towards them. He goes, Allah will forgive you. Like, it doesn't matter. For me, it doesn't matter. But I want Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala to be pleased with you.
Managing Sibling Competition
With the siblings, they're not always good together. No matter how much you try, competition happens. And subhanAllah, it happens in the first family, human family ever on earth. The children of Adam, as Allah described in Surah Al-Ma'idah:
"And recite to them the story of Adam's two sons, in truth, when they both offered a sacrifice [to Allah], and it was accepted from one of them but was not accepted from the other."
The competition, jealousy happens. It happens. It can be fatal even. So Allah is warning us against this sentiment, this feeling. Take it easy on each other. And specifically parents, don't be the source of jealousy between your children. Make sure to be fair.
Uncles and Aunts
And as for the uncle and aunt, the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم mentioned:
(Tirmidhi 1904)
"The uncle is like the father."
Like the uncle of the man or the person is almost similar in status to the father in terms of respect. Not necessarily in terms of all the rights and obligations, but in terms of the status.
And to the aunt, the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said:
(Tirmidhi 1905)
"The maternal aunt is like the mother."
The maternal aunt is closer to the lady or the person than the paternal aunt. Because the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam called her as being like a second mother.
In-Laws
Or in-laws. The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم, he spoke to the Sahaba as one of these prophecies after his time. He says:
(Muslim 2543)
"You're gonna conquer Egypt. This is a place where people they trade with the qirats. When you conquer it. Make sure to take care of its family because you owe it to them for the dhimmah and the rahm you have with them."
What is a dhimmah? And what is a rahm? Which means a sihr. The other word means marriage. Who are they? Do you guys know who are the dhimmah? Who is the sihr? A dhimmah is Marya, the Coptic, the wife of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم. And who was the sihr? Which means through marriage. Hajar. The mother of Ismail.
Way up there. So you go that your blood ties go all the way up to these generations. This is how serious maintaining ties of kinship.
Why Family Relations Are Severed in Our Time
Now inshaAllah to finalize, bi idhn Allah azza wa jal. In regards to why family relations are severed and we have issues with this in our time.
Culture of Individualism
Number one is the culture of individualism. Back in those days, people are valued and measured. Their standard and their value was measured of what? How much they contribute to the whole tribe and family system back then. Which is why at the time of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم, the Arab, before
even Islam, if something happens within the certain tribe and one calls for the support of the tribe, everybody comes in.
They don't even care if you're right or wrong. They will support you. Just because you're part of the clan. Today it's different. Now I'm not saying to support them whether they're right or wrong. But to support them when they're right and help them stop being wrong.
But here because of the culture of individualism, that sense of loyalty to a family and taking care of your ties with your siblings and uncles and aunts, it's degrading.
Changes in Family Structure
Also, the change that is happening in our society and our family structure. So the biggest change in a Muslim society, in Muslim family structure, what is it? Number one, the size of the family. So back in the days, we used to have, mashallah, parents and we'd have how many kids? A dozen or two probably, right? Now most families, they have one, two kids and a pet. Why? Because it's enough for us.
So what happens when you have that small number? What happens when you have a small number, there's a lot of emotional attachment. And as a result, there's a lot of pressure from the parents on their children and the children towards their parents. That kind of codependence, emotional codependence becomes extremely heavy.
By the way, don't take me wrong. I'm not saying having a small family is haram or halal. I'm not saying that. That's a choice you guys make. But we're talking about the outcome and the natural results of having smaller family.
Because when you have two kids only, there's a chance for these two kids to be what? All boys or all girls? Or one boy, one girl? Now who has more obligation? You. A lot of things happen as a result of that. And if you have two kids, that means your life is best in terms of your retirement success. It's 50-50 right now. So there are a lot of actually things happen as a result of choosing small families.
Back in the days when families, mashaAllah, six, seven, eight, ten kids, the mother and the father, they never run out of emotional gratification. Because by the time the younger one reaches a certain age, the older one is already having kids. So mashaAllah, they become grandparents.
Today, if you have two, three kids, by the time you turn 40, your kids are already going to college probably right now. Or high school. So you become early nesters then at 40. It's like, whoa, what happened? Where are the kids? So that's when the emotional pressure happens in the relationship. Parents become clingy. And they want to make sure their kids are okay.
So they want to make sure they go to the right college. They want to dictate who they get married to and all that stuff. So they become more controlling. And that's why we have all these issues in our families.
MashaAllah.
Single Parent Families
Single parent family, that's now a new change happening in our society. Because unfortunately, the high rate of divorce. And we end up with a lot of single parents. Particularly single moms. Is that right or wrong? No, not necessarily. It's becoming now a new norm in our society. Not that it's right or wrong. So therefore, people need to accept the new reality.
Step Family Structure
But that also leads to another problem. Which is the step family structure. I don't have an answer to the issue of the mahram between the step children. Among them, so step siblings. I don't have an answer to this problem. But it is becoming a situation that we have to deal with as a community.
A man gets married. He has kids from previous marriage. And she has kids from his previous marriage. When they get married, are they going to be mahram? Now, the kids are mahram to the step parents. But are they mahram to the step sibling? The answer is no.
So how do we deal with this? Well, it was easy back then. Because people used to get married at a very young age. By the time they hit 12, they're already married. They have their own. So there's no worry about mahram issue. Today, our kids, they stay with us until they hit 40, mashallah. So we raise them a long, long time. So the whole mahram issue and the hijab issue becomes problematic.
Competition Between In-Laws
Between the wife and the mother-in-law, there's always this issue who has the competition. And if you think about what we mentioned yesterday, think about the relationship too. I've been diagrammed two circles. The one in the middle is the man. And there's the circle of the mom, the circle of the wife.
The job of the person who's in the middle to maintain that healthy relationship by making sure to love the mom the way a mother needs to be loved. Love the wife the way she needs to be loved. And that's how you maintain balance. The problem is when each one of them wants to take more territories on the area of the other party. It's your job, whoever is in the middle, actually.
And it could be sometimes the lady is in the middle, and the husband in one circle, and her father or her brother may be in the other circle. It depends on who's strong actually within that relationship.
Dealing with Family Conflicts
We talked about living with the in-laws. And when parents have issues with their siblings, your uncles and aunts, what's your duty? You love your parents the way they need to be loved. At the same time, maintain healthy minimum relationship with your uncles and your aunts. But if you know that your uncles and your
aunts are going to be manipulative just to take advantage of this, so they can get at your parents, of course, you're going to have to take a stance on this.
And make sure to keep healthy boundaries with everybody, inshallah ta'ala, wallahu ta'ala alam.
Questions and Answers
Now. You have a question? Jazakallah khair. InshaAllah we'll break right now. I'll go through a couple of questions, but our next session will be at 11.15, inshallah.
Question About Step-Parents
So, Shaykh, how then, when it comes to step-parents, if we're raised by them, do we have to give the same birr to our parents as if they were our biological parents?
Step-parents, if they raised you, if they're the one who raised you at your home and took care of you financially and emotionally and so on, do they have the same rights upon you like your biological parents? The answer actually is yes, they do. They do.
Now, do they have the haq and the wilayah over you? If the other parent was still available, like if the biological father was still available and he took care of you financially and took care of many things for you, they have the wilayah. They have the right to say to marry this person or say yes or no, for example, in the case of your affairs and so forth.
But the step-parents in this case, you give them the respect they deserve.
Question About Taking Husband's Name
Is it permissible for the wife to take the groom's last name after the nikah? Is it permissible for the wife to take the groom's last name after the nikah?
Well, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says in the Qur'an:
"Call them by [the names of] their fathers."
So the ulema, they argue about what does that mean. So the majority of the ulema, they say that you don't change your father's name, the father's name. What about the family name? Here's the problem. Family names in many, many cases don't necessarily go back to biological bloodline.
So for example, some people, maybe the last name for them is, let's say, al-Masri, an-Nabulsi, or this and that. What does that mean? It's a reference to a country or a culture or a town, or even sometimes to a profession. So it's not necessarily an indicator of a bloodline.
So therefore, they say, to change the last name is not problematic as changing the father's name. Do we recommend that? It's neutral. There is no recommendation. Either you keep your family name, inshallah wa ta'ala.
La qadrallah, unfortunately, I'm being very pragmatic on this point right now. Because of what we see in the high rate of divorce, you don't want to go into the problem of switching names. La qadrallah, if this happens, to be honest with you. And that's a pragmatic answer to real situations happening today.
Question About Not Having Children
What is the Islamic perspective on not having children? The Islamic perspective on not having children. It's your choice, but at your own risk. Which means if a husband and wife, at the beginning of the relationship, they decided not to have kids.
Here's my advice for you. First of all, don't say, we don't want to have kids. But if you want to delay having kids, that's fine. You can say, we're still in college, I want to finish my PhD, I want to finish my master, for example, I want to finish my residency, whatever that you go through. Or I want to go to Hajj first before having kids. It's okay, you can say that.
But to say, I don't want to have kids, just in case, that's the worst thing you do to yourself. Because the moment you come into a relationship and you delay having kids because I want to test the relationship, if it's going to be good or bad, you already opened an exit door. So there's an 80% chance you will take that exit door. Why? Because you opened it.
But when you get married, you're for the long haul. Don't even try that. Don't even just say, just in case. That's the first thing.
Second thing, if you decide not having kids in the contract, let's say we decide not to have kids, okay? And then later on the relationship, let's say, oops, she's pregnant. What are we going to do now? Say, hey, we had a deal. Do we abort the child? The answer is no. You can't abort the child.
Okay, what if after we made the deal, no kids, and then later on, he or she changed their mind? They start seeing all these parents, all these parents running with their little kids, and oh my God, so sweet, I want to be a parent. Right? Every parent says, yeah, sure. But they see it's sweet, I want to have kids. One of them changes their mind.
Is it an obligation on the other party to comply? If they have an agreement, no, they don't. So what do we do in this case? That gives them an option to call it off if they want to. But we don't recommend that as well, still.
I have seen some parents who, or some actually couples, who decide not to have kids, but after many years in the relationship, they themselves change their minds. Why? Because we go into phases in life.
The phase of not having kids is a temporary phase. After four, five, six years, or maybe more in the relationship, the relationship becomes boring. I'm telling you.
And they're just like, now what? What do we do now? What's the next phase in the relationship? So that's when they start thinking of becoming parents. And alhamdulillah, many of them that I know actually, when they came to me as pre-marital, saying we don't have kids, I said, sure, okay, we'll talk about it later. Now they have one