Crisis of Marriage in America

One of these issues, cultural issues we have here, interracial marriages. Living in America, specifically in New York, you guys know better, it's a very, very multicultural society. You cannot say that there is one culture that is predominant here.

Everybody brings with them his own culture, and their own packages. Parents, sometimes, they keep living, and Sheikh Abdul-Bari mentioned here earlier, that most of the people here are coming from, at least, maybe not backgrounds, first, second, third generation. Most of these parents, they probably live here in New York, and being in a hub city like New York, and it's easy to travel overseas, so the Middle East and these countries become like the backyard for them.

They want to just have a cup of coffee, they just book a ticket, and then travel, and they come back again with a shopping cart with them. Very easy to do that. It's getting more expensive right now, so Allah Allah, maybe they're going to go back again, travel by boats, but still, for them, they live in a cultural society that's totally unique.

And those parents, with the technology that is now contributing to the problem through the satellite TV, people at home watching overseas TVs. So now they're becoming more entrenched into their own culture, and they expect their kids to do the same as well. What they don't realize is that their kids have already claimed their own culture.

And that culture, of course, is the American Muslim culture. The kids don't care about colors, they don't care about ethnicities, they don't care about background, they consider themselves Muslims, and that's it. So whether you're coming from Africa, from Europe, from an Arab, non-Arab society, and so on, for them, living together so long, they have broken all these cultural boundaries.

And now when they introduce someone from a different culture to their parents, oh my God, it's an alarming thing for them. Something must be going on in your mind. What's wrong with you? I mean, how come? He's not an Arab, she's not this, he's not that.

Why? Because again, we still live this kind of culture. For our kids, they don't care about these issues. I want both parties to be part of the solution.

Which means parents, you need to realize if you're living here in America, you should be living by body and by soul. It doesn't mean to adapt anything that is haram or wrong, but you should also consider the changes that are happening to your culture through your kids. And for the kids, I want you also to understand that your parents, they have legitimate concern when they come to consult their cultures and traditions.

It's very, very important. They would like to ensure for you, of course, a larger social network that you will need in your life. We don't perceive that because here we live under, of course, the influence of individualism.

So everybody wants to be himself or herself. But still, you cannot live without that cultural influence. So you need to open your mind, open your heart to all of these things.

Anyway, last thing I would like to conclude with, inshallah, so you can get to questions and answers if possible. The issue of parental expectations. You know, one of the reasons, or one of the things that we mentioned regarding the issue of why men and women delaying their marriages is the issue of education, issue of finances, and number one was parents.

Parents usually set the bar so high for their prospective, you know, spouse in the future. So they want the man to be a highly educated person, most intelligent man, rich and wealthy, very well established, very well rounded in life, and so on. They don't want someone who is still inexperienced in life.

But if you want someone like this, they're going to have to go through a lot of things before they get married. Those men, in order to meet the expectation of these parents, they go through a lot of modifications. So, bachelor's degree is not enough anymore to go and propose to a woman.

So you go with a bachelor's degree to a parent saying I have a bachelor's degree in, let's say, in IT, or even in education, or even in that. They say, well, how much do you earn anyway? That's, to me, the second question. Okay, I appreciate your degree, but how much do you earn from this? Well, when you say I have a master's degree in that, so they expect that you are earning more.

If you have a PhD degree, so you earn more. Okay, what happens when a man waits until he finishes his PhD degree? How old would he be? Not 40s, come on. I would assume that the person, when you finish your PhD, you'd be close to 30 years old.

Unless you were taking your time because of finances issues. So you might pass at 30 years old. Okay, when you pass 30 years old, and you want to get married, okay, what age would you be looking for for a spouse? So the humming already answering it.

Most men looking for a younger wife. And if you're looking for a younger wife, she's going to be probably in her master's degree or bachelor's degree. So he is going to have to wait a few more years before she finishes.

Besides, if you're going to be also looking for a younger girl, this younger girl, she's still in her wishful thoughts. She's thinking of that Prince Charming and looking at you in your 30s and 40s. So she goes and she waits even longer.

The more those young men and women wait for the perfect match, the longer they're going to stay in the market. And if they're going to stay longer and longer, people are going to get tired and sick and so on, and then eventually starts compromising a lot. When they reach a specific age, they say, okay, fine, forget about beauty, forget about wealth, forget about, I just need somebody.

And that would be it. And that would be wrong. We don't want you to reach to that level.

Again, I'm not promoting any specific here pattern for marriage, but I'm just trying to open our eyes to the reality of marriage. What exactly is going on? What is happening? What I really know personally from my experience in marriage counseling, even counseling pre-marital relations, also even conducting marriage contracts, all these kind of things will lie. Of the seminars, Love Notes and Fiqh of Love, I know more than what you think about this issue.

And by the way, I'm also married. And I have three kids. So I know what does that mean.

To be a father, to be a parent in the West. May Allah help you and assist you all to achieve that goal. So, therefore, as a conclusion, it's not one individual effort to solve the whole issue.

It's not one massive effort to solve the problem. It's a whole community effort. I know you guys have been visiting a lot of these matrimonial services, visiting a lot of these conferences, and visiting so many things to solve this issue, and it seems to be very difficult to find a solution easily for this because we're all waiting for a magic wand to say, Bismillah, and that's it.

The problem is solved. Everybody's married. Everybody has children already, and cars, and houses, and mashallah.

It doesn't work like this. We need very serious effort being done by all Muslim groups and communities and conferences and organizations in order to solve this issue. At least, let's start locally.

So here in New York, you have, mashallah, many, many masjids and many, many organizations. Why don't we start something in our masjid, then the next masjid, third masjid, fourth masjid, and start building these relations? How do we do that? First of all, I would suggest supervised sessions on a regular basis between the youth and their parents. Bridge the gap.

You don't have to discuss the issue of marriage only. You can discuss the issue of so many things. Education, finances, the future of the community, even council of leadership because you see in many, many organizations it's still in the hands of the first and the second generation.

They don't let go, you know, because they want to make sure that everything runs alhamdulillah as they have started it. And they don't really trust the new generation because they see that the new generation is not experienced in life yet. It's going to take them a while before they get to that point.

Why don't we start, which is number two, sessions, training sessions for the youth, young men and young women, and specifically on the concept of matrimonials and marriage. What's the meaning to be married? What does it take to get married? Even help them chart plans. Just if you chart the plan for them, to know from this day until let's say four years, three years, five years, I want to be married.

Help them inshallah by establishing these kind of training sessions. Encourage marriage. If your children come to you and say I want to get married, tell them okay, but first of all you need to quit playing PlayStation.

And then I can think about it seriously. So you need to show maturity. Young people, if you are serious about marriage, you need to show maturity.

Parents don't buy the issue of love. I'm telling you. That's how they think.

They want someone who thinks about responsibility. We know this is going to come after marriage. But you know, you have to think about what's coming next.

I'm not saying here that you completely quit the idea of love. You can develop that before marriage and even after marriage. Subhanallah.

How many relations do you know that they married before? We know each other actually before marriage. And they have been going on this much of successful relations for the past 10, 15, 20, 30, 40 years. Don't say because they were forced.

No, alhamdulillah, at least they're happy. Ask them, they're doing fine. So we do have it on both sides.

Hadith on Financial Sources

As the issue of finances, we teach in the Heavenly Hughes class a whole chapter on the issue of economy and finances from the Quran. People, they usually, when they think about finances and establishing themselves, you know, they always think of the conventional ideas of earning money. Which means higher education, more certification, training, conferences, all these kind of things and so on.

But there were so many things that we overlook. Mentioned in the Quran regarding sources to earn enough money. Some of these, just to mention some, inshallah, the issue of taqwa, fearing Allah.

Truly Allah fears who anyone, Allah will find him an exit from every difficulty and hardship, and provide for him from where he cannot even imagine. It's all coming by the will of Allah.

The second mentioned in the Quran, the issue of shukr, being thankful to Allah.

If you're grateful, I'll give you more. But if you're ungrateful, because you know most men and women when they ask them how much you earn, they say, not enough.

I'm still you know, behind. They're always behind. And you will die behind, believe me.

So therefore, just say, alhamdulillah. I'm happy. I'm happy with all I have.

Which creates the concept of contentment. Being content, you'll be rich. And you will feel that you're immediately ready for that, inshallah ta'ala.

And the last one, istighfar, seeking forgiveness from Allah.

Allah will provide everything for you. Will send the rain. Will bring forth the treasures of the earth. And even increase you in your wealth and your children. Means the size of your family.

These are now non-conventional sources of money and wealth. Few people go after these sources. We all just go after what we know.

But we overlook so many of these sources. If you believe in these things and you practice these things, Allah will create contentment in your heart. You're going to always feel rich.

And you will always feel ready. And Allah promised you, if you feel so, and you like to do it

If you want to get married, but you feel that you're poor, put your trust in Allah. And Allah will make you rich from His bounties.

Questions and Answers

Question: What advice can you give to the single brothers who have the financial problems?

The first thing I would like to point out over here regarding these financial problems is that sometimes it's only in your mind. So many, many people, they overwhelm themselves with loans, with a lot of debts, and they keep calculating everything every month, and they get really paranoid. They say, oh my God, I'm going to stay in this hole until forever.

And they think that they're going to keep going into this basically rat race, and they will never come out of it. Well, again, first of all, get out of that circle, that hole, and start looking from inside, from outside. And one of the first rules of any hole, the first rule of any hole is stop digging.

If you know that you're in this hole, stop digging. Which means, don't get just get out of your ways of spending. That keeps putting you into this problem.

So if you had past debts, don't try to increase these debts. Try as much as possible, figure out a way to get out of these debts inshallah, as soon as possible, as quick as possible. The other thing, you need to sit seriously, to go and calculate all these things, all these now debts and problems that you have, and start to sort your priorities.

Which of these debts need to be finalized first, and how you can do that as quick as possible, make a plan inshallah. Part of this, part of the plan, which I believe, wallahu alam, coming from the Quran, part of the

plans of removing yourself, relieving yourself from most of these debts, is that you get married.

I know it seems to be a paradox, because you say, how come? If I'm going to get married, I'm going to get even extra debts.

Well, it depends on whom you're going to be married to. If you're going to marry someone whose parents will demand thousands and thousands, millions of dollars, that's one thing, but if you're looking for the barakah and for the sitr, that's Allah protect you and protect her, and just bring both your hearts into, inshallah, for this tranquility and peace, it will be very easy inshallah wa ta'ala. Marriage, Allah promised you, that if they were poor, Allah will provide from them, from His bounties.

So Allah will provide for you. Besides, when you get married, we assume, people when they get married, they arrive at a specific level of maturity. At least financial maturity.

Which means now they know that they have responsibility besides their personal spendings, which would help them inshallah wa ta'ala cut down on some of their personal spendings, in order to save. But if you're going to just keep going on, waiting until you become ready to get married, you will never be ready. Because you're going to always stay on that way.

So again, sometimes it's in your mind, get yourself out of that, start making your calculations in the best way inshallah, and see how to reduce all these expenses, and then make marriage as one of your ways of getting out of debt.

Question:

If you have made mistakes in your past, but you have sincerely repented, and are making sure that you are not repeating these mistakes anymore, then is it necessary to inform your potential spouse about these mistakes? Can you hide these mistakes? Will Allah hide these mistakes for you?

As for Allah, I'll leave it for Allah azzawajal. Because Allah, as the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam mentioned on the Day of Judgment, when Allah azzawajal brings the believer to the account, and starts to admit, basically expose the records for them, and if they were really sincere about what they did, and if they really sincerely repented, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said,

Sahih al-Bukhari 2441

And I kept, I hid these from the people, means I just kept them between you and me in the dunya, and now I forgive you for these mistakes.

So Allah might indeed hide these mistakes from the people. It's between you and Allah. Besides, we all know, we all have our own mistakes and our own blemishes.

How many mistakes we have done in our life, and we know for sure that Allah is hiding them. And we're always afraid and terrified that people would know about them. That's very natural.

But just keep asking Allah to keep this between you and Him. As now, are you obligated to reveal these mistakes? Well, if you say that you repented, and you nobody knows about these things, or at least in that circle where you are right now, no one knows about these issues. It's only between you and Allah.

You don't have to expose yourself. You don't have to go and tell her, say, listen, by the way, I was just childish and I have done all these things and started counting all these sins. You don't have to do that.

And if they ask about your past, tell them, I really didn't have that glorious past, but I ask Allah to forgive me. That's all I can say. And if they insist on you to say, listen, did you commit adultery? Did you commit fornication? Tell them this is between me and Allah.

Even if I did that, I don't have to tell you. So you don't have to expose yourself regarding these issues. But if the person is not really sincere, not serious about repentance, and you could tell that there are signs of some kind of flip-flopping between these sins and going back again to repentance and so on, in this case, yes, you have the right to question that person.

Question:

How is our Ummah going to have a future in order to serve Allah if the sisters cannot get married if they are pursuing higher education? How will we make tomorrow's leaders?

Ask yourself. Don't ask me. If the sisters are busy doing their education and the guys are waiting for them to finish, they're getting old, sisters are getting old, no one is getting married, eventually they say, you know what, that's it. It's too late for me.

Some sisters, they decide not to marry at all. Some guys decide to marry from overseas because it's going to be a big headache to marry someone who is overqualified for them. So you're going to always have this problem.

And what I'm saying here is that it is okay. You can pursue education as high as you wish. But if you won't like to get married, this is the point.

If you're going to get married, you're going to have to play it by its rules. It means the rules of marriage. And you cannot manipulate these rules.

Allah set rules for marriage. Who is responsible for this? Who is responsible for that? There are certain things we call them rights and obligations. Men, they have rights in the house and they have obligations against them.

Women, they have rights for them and also obligations against them. If you maintain rights and obligations, inshallah, Allah will indeed provide the peace and tranquility He promised you. But if you start now jumping on these rights and obligations, abusing the rights and obligations of the other spouse, that will create this kind of instability in the social network.

And therefore you see many people start fighting again over issues. They consider them their own rights and obligations of the other party.

Question:

If a non-Muslim sister would like to accept Islam and marry a Muslim brother, is it wrong for her to hide this from her parents? She is worried that they would be heartbroken. Please advise.

Well, first of all, the issue of becoming a Muslim is indeed an obligation that every human being should really take the chance to explore this faith sincerely. And this is the message of Islam.

It's a universal message. All people are obligated to make an effort to learn about Islam. And may Allah open their hearts and open their minds for guidance.

Now, the issue of becoming a Muslim, that's one thing. And the issue of getting married to that person is another thing. And the issue of the parents right now comes in the middle.

So becoming a Muslim by itself, I'm sure that it's not going to be an easy decision you make for your parents. So you have to educate them about this issue. If they don't accept that, which is natural, of course, for parents specifically, if they are adherent to their faith and they don't want to have their kids go out of the fold of their religion, in this case, if they decide, of course, or if they don't accept your acceptance to Islam, that's one of the tests and the trials Allah has subjected you to.

To see the sincerity of your Iman if you're afraid. So, may Allah help you. May Allah confirm your heart on Iman and Islam.

Now, the issue of marriage might be the second chance, which is probably, inshallah, will be helpful to you to confirm your deen. It doesn't mean that you cut your ties with your parents. We don't say that.

We are obligated to be kind to our parents, regardless of their faith. Allah commands us about being so kind to our parents.

And even if they try to persuade you to commit shirk, which means to associate partners with Allah

Don't obey them in that.

And maintain a good and kind companionship with them. So, regardless of their religion, you need to maintain a good companionship with them. But still, you need also to accept this as a test coming from Allah for you.

Question:

If a prospective spouse's family is low-class or poor? Now, in the perception of course, of the questioner. Is that a valid excuse for the parents to reject?

Well, the issue of class and social status and so on is one of these categories of comparability in Islamic law. Remember what I said earlier.

That there are two qualities the ulema, they all agree on. There is unanimous agreement on these two qualities. That's faith and good manners.

Anything else comes next. And the ulema, they argue about it. Not all the ulema, all Muslim scholars agree on these other qualities for comparability.

One of these issues is the issue of class and the issue of social status. Some of the ulema, they say those of the same class should marry from each other. A man from an upper class can marry from a lower class.

But the upper is a little bit difficult. Why? Because now the issue of social status right now, it's subject to the patriarchal system to the family of the man. Or the woman, basically.

If she marries someone from a lower class, she brings shame to her social network and family and so on. All these, as I said, just issues discussed in books of not necessarily agreed upon by all Muslim scholars. Is it a valid reason for her family to reject the person? It depends on the circumstances.

I cannot really judge this because according to the questioner it says low class or poor. I don't know what's the meaning of that and how rich or high class the questioner is. So it depends on the circumstances.

But sometimes it is illegitimate if there is a great deal of I would say difference, great difference between both contracting parties. What if she wants to marry him anyway? She has the full right to say yes. And she has the full right to try to enforce that if she wants.

But I do not recommend that. Because eventually you're going to need someday, you're going to need the support of your family. Because this is not about you and him, it's about all the social network in the society.

Two families representing two different public cultures, two different communities will establish a stronger bigger community as well. If you are looking for a wife, what do you do? Still the question goes on. The question goes, do you look for somebody you love and beautiful? For the first part, if you're looking for a wife, what do you do? First of all, before you start looking for a wife, make sure that you're ready for that.

And if you're still too young for this, it's too early to ask the question. But if you're of that age, it means you're ready to go and start looking for a spouse, bismillah, inshallah, may Allah make it easy for you. In this society, in the traditional, I would say, traditional and conventional ways of doing it goes usually through the women's social network, which means the mother, the sister, relatives, they go and they look and they ask.

If they have a larger social network, it makes it easier for them. If not, like in our society over here, because we don't know probably a lot of people from the same family maybe in that area, so they're going to have to go through what is available in their communities. And usually the masajid, a good chance for people to go and look for.

Islamic conferences, gathering like these, I'm sure that many brothers and sisters, they have in their mind the idea of maybe, who never knows, and I know a lot of older ladies, they approach these young girls during these occasions. So they come and they just bluntly sometimes say, are you married?

You know, I have a nice son, he's an MD, he's a doctor, he's this, he's that. So they try to propose right away on the spot.

If they can do it, that's a good way. But if not, I still say that we lack really enough halal venues for matrimonial services, and I encourage that every single community to work hard in helping their youth. I don't want our kids to be outsourced to other communities.

What is going on in reality right now, most of actually the youth is going through the process of outsourcing right now. So they go and they marry from another community. You hear in New York, for example, you have hundreds of young men and young women, but you see most of these young men and women, they go and they marry from outside New York.

They go to Chicago, for example, or Atlanta. They go to California, and so on. Why? For some reason, subhanallah, it's greater on the other side.

And you see that people from California, they also come to New York, and they want to marry from here. So why? Because it seems that the young men and women over here, being so exposed to the culture of their own fellow brothers and sisters here, they don't really feel comfortable engaging from their own community, and I don't recommend that. I would say, try to find this social satisfaction within your community.

And one thing I would like to warn the brothers and the families from, in the process of getting married, you see many young men, what they do, because of the high demands and expectations of Muslim families, they just quit the idea of marrying from a Muslim family, and they go and they marry a non- Muslim woman. Which is halal, if she was a Christian or a Jew, it is okay. There's no problem with that, Islamically.

But remember, for every brother who marries a Christian or a Jew, or even for every brother, every man, who marries from outside his community, and for every brother who is married from outside the country, there is one sister left behind here. Why is that? Because men have the liberty, probably, to marry second, third, fourth. Women, they only marry Muslim.

So therefore, you need to also consider this also on the long run. And what you should be looking for, I mean, you should attend the Love Notes or Fiqh of Love. We gave a whole seminar on this issue.

But the first, the most important, the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said;

Sahih al-Bukhari 5090

A woman is married for four qualities.

The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said she should be married for her beauty, for her lineage, for her wealth, or for her deen. And then he said, means look for the one who is religious, and you'll be blessed.

If you can find all these qualities in one person, Alhamdulillah Rabbil Alameen. If not, then you're going to have to do some kind of compromise. But if you're going to compromise any quality, don't you ever compromise the issue of deen and akhlaq.

Religion and mannerism. And there's a difference between deen and akhlaq. Being religious does not guarantee that the person, man or woman, will be mashAllah very pious and well mannered.

Because in some cultures, being religious means being more rigid. The more rigid you are, the more religious you are. That's how they perceive that.

And that's wrong. Piety and righteousness is all in what Allah commands and avoiding the prohibitions in the Quran, the Sunnah of the Prophet. So it's not about being rigid.

Prevent yourself from so many of the halal things. No. Practice the halal.

Do the commands and avoid the haram, and you'll be the most righteous person. How can a man or a woman learn about the personality of the other party? If he does not ever talk to her, asking family and friends about a person's character, can only hmm something is missing can only anyway, how will I know if she is the right person for me? Well, alhamdulillah, first of all, you would need to introduce yourself to the family, and the family accepts the initial proposal. Then you will have this betrothal time.

The betrothal period, you can come together under the supervision of a mahram. You can talk as much as you want, as long as you want. You can explore areas of family life and future as much as you want.

So basically, you have the time for you to discuss so many issues directly. You see him, you see her, and you sit together, again supervised, discussing so many things. Does the mahram have to sit in the middle between you and stick in his nose between your faces, should be no sightseeing during that conversation? The answer is no.

They can be sitting there in that same room, for example, at least, they can observe the session from a distance, so you can talk freely if you want. As long as there is no supervision right now from parent and supervision, then it's okay to do so. After that, of course, you can make your decisions.

If anyone marries a girl from a different culture, what kind of problem will it create in the future? Allah knows, it depends on their approach of their, of course, marriages. Because I know when you have two cultures coming together in a marriage, it will be very hard and difficult sometimes to communicate. It will be a lot of, basically, specifically between the two families.

It means her parents and his, they might misunderstand, miscommunicate a lot of things, and even sometimes the slightest thing can create a problem. Even the spices in the food can make a big problem.

This is too spicy, this is too blunt.

How do you cook the food? Sometimes it creates problems of that kind. So, I would say it depends on the two parties and their cultures, where it's exactly coming from. There might be some kind of issues, and there might be, Alhamdulillah, a lot of harmonies among these communities.

The thing is, it depends on how much integrated these cultures in the actual community itself. So, in New York here, for instance, I don't know how much you guys are integrated into the different cultures, which means do you have, let's say, the Arab culture, the African culture, the local culture, the overseas culture, all together integrated in one melting pot, or do you have this unofficial cultural segregation in the community? It depends. I have visited some communities, specifically smaller communities, and all of them, to survive, they had to go and break all these cultural barriers.

So, there isn't much difference, and it's easier for them to have interracial marriages. But in larger cities, where you have this unofficial cultural segregation, it becomes harder and harder for them to marry from outside their culture. What is the proper halal way for a woman to approach a man for marriage? First of all, if she's interested in a person, I would suggest to go around some of her closest friends that she can trust, who can have an access, let's say, to information about this person, if he's available or not.

And what if he was married already? What if he was engaged? You don't want to go and, of course, tackle onto the wrong infringing on the wrong domain, basically. So, therefore, you have to make sure that the person is free. In this case, after you know that he is, let's say, free, you can send, let's say, a subtle proposal to, again, a third party, and if the person shows interest, you can pursue that, if you will.

And, of course, by asking him to go and propose directly to the wali. If he's not interested, it's over. At least that would save you all the troubles, of course, and the pain.

At least minimize that pain. Can she go directly to propose to someone? Can a woman come and directly propose to her brother, says, brother, you know what? MashaAllah, I see that you're such a righteous person, a good man, and I would like to propose to you. Have you guys ever received something like this before? Or are you just dreaming about it? No.

Because Ibn Sahih al-Bukhari, Imam Bukhari, rahimahullah wa ta'ala, he established a whole chapter on this issue. It is permissible for a woman to propose directly to a righteous man. She's allowed to do that.

And he brought Hadith Anas, radiyallahu ta'ala, mentioning a woman who came to the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, proposing to him. A woman came proposing to the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. So the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he looked at her, and then felt shy, kind of felt shy, so he nodded his head down, which means, what does that mean? It means no.

He didn't want to continue looking because he has no interest, so he says no. Which means it's basically no. The woman, she kind of felt frustrated, or maybe didn't know what to do, so she just sat down.

A man was sitting next to the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, says, ya Rasoolallah, illam lakum bika hajaj zawujniha. Means if you have no interest in her, can I marry her? Now the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, turned to her, because it's her issue. The woman, she didn't mind it.

So he said, okay, do you have anything to offer her? Like a dowry, mahr, basically a wedding gift. He says, I don't have anything right now. He said, go and check for anything.

So he went and he looked, he couldn't find anything, came back again, said, ya Rasoolallah, couldn't find anything. So the Prophet said, go ahead, go and look for anything, even if it was just an iron ring, which means something insignificant in material value. Just go offer anything.

The guy was so poor that he went back again, looked for everything, didn't find anything. He said, ya Rasoolallah, ila amriku illa had. I have nothing except for this.

And he put his loincloth that wraps his waist with. And the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, said, what is she going to do with this? If she takes it, you're going to be walking around naked. So the man himself also felt kind of frustrated, he didn't have anything, so he sat down, kind of sad as well.

Then the Prophet said, okay, fine. Do you have anything of the Quran with you? Means, do you memorize anything of the Quran? He said, I know surat kadah, surat kadah, surat kadah. I know these few surahs.

(Sahih al-Bukhari 5149)

Means, you marry her with the Quran that you have. Means, that was her mahr. Means, to teach her the Quran that you have. And allahu a'la, but probably they lived happily ever after. Allahu a'la.

The point is, according to this hadith, Imam Bukhari said, it is permissible for a woman to directly propose to a man. It's okay to do that. Of course, that depends on the culture as well.

In our sharia, one of the five maxims governing Islamic law, is a very important maxim that governs Islamic law, called al-adha muhakkama, which means custom rules. When there is no specific law from the Quran or the sunnah to explain, interpret something, then we go back, we shelter back, we find a shelter in the adha, which means the custom. If the custom does not contradict the laws of sharia, it should be accepted in some of the areas regarding the enactment of law.

And in this case, if here the custom, let's say, it's okay for a woman to go straight forward to propose to a man, that's fine. But in some other cultures, if a woman does that, it's kind of offensive to them. So, don't even try it.

It depends. And I know a friend of mine, I mentioned that story last night actually, or was it the night before that? A friend of mine, who was a marshal, he's a very nice person, and he was trying to take his classes from the board at the university, he was studying sharia even, and all of a sudden he hears a female voice from the side, saying, assalamu alaikum. And he goes, wa alaikum assalam.

Then she goes, can I talk to you for a moment? And then he just looked, he found a sister with a niqab, and she was looking at him, and he was looking around, there was nobody else but him. So he goes, me? She says, yeah, you. Can I talk to you? He says, yeah, how can I help you? She said, well, listen brother, I don't want you to be offended, but I have been, mashallah, watching you for this past semester.

And I heard so many things about you, you seem to be a very nice and gentle person, I'd like a man who's, mashallah, very generous, very religious, blah blah blah blah. And then she goes, I would like to propose to follow the sunnah and propose to you. The guy ran away.

He felt so shy, he didn't know what to do. He was so shy, I know him, the man is, mashallah, he's so sweet. He's so sweet, he's so shy.

And then he just didn't know what to do, so he just ran away. But the lady, she kept going after him, later, of course. Not at that session, she didn't go after him right away, but she went and she sent other messages to him, and she sent other people to talk on her behalf, and so on.

Eventually, the man kept saying, no, no, no. I don't want to go through the details of his life and why and so on, but eventually he didn't marry her. So not all love stories end with the same clause, happily ever after.

And not all love, as you see, is in exchange, reciprocal, from both sides. It might be from one side and there's nothing from the other side. So it might be a test for some people.

That's it? Okay. Khair, inshallah wa ta'ala.

Closing