A House Without Conflict is a Home

A House Without Conflict is a Home

Opening Salutation

Opening Khutbah

Introduction - What Women Desire in a Home

If you ask women, particularly mothers, what are the two top qualities they would like to have in a house or let me put it specifically - in a home, what are the top two qualities women would like to have in a home or a place that you could call home?

You know the best place that you really call home is the place that you call Jannah. Jannah - you want a place to be like Jannah. When someone wants to describe a place where they find themselves in it comfortable and so what do they say? "Oh I'm in heaven, this place is heaven." Why is it heaven exactly? Because they find specific qualities in that place, and that's exactly what both men and women they like to have and desire to have in a place they come to.

Women particularly, they're looking for specific qualities - particularly two qualities. Where are we gonna get these qualities from better than the house of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam?

The Hadith of Khadija

Let's see. One day, I shall tell Khadija, Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he told Khadija:

"O Khadija, this is Jibril who has just come. He conveys salaam to you."

And then he said to her that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is sending salaam upon Khadija. Allah is sending salaam upon Khadija.

Khadija, the smart intelligent woman, she didn't say "wa alayhi salaam" and "may peace be upon Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala." How could he even say peace be upon Allah azza wa jalla if He was peace himself subhanahu wa ta'ala? One of His names is what? As-Salaam. As-Salaam.

So she said:

"Allah Himself is peace and peace comes from Him subhanahu wa ta'ala."

Then Jibril gave the news to Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam to convey to Khadija. You gave her the good news that she shall have a house in Al-Jannah.

What are the qualities of this house in Al-Jannah? Do you guys remember the hadith? The house is just like a nice, beautiful, fancy tent made of special pearl - beautiful pearl, beautiful fancy, beautiful nice house. But that's not the house, that's not home yet. This is only house.

You can build as big as huge, beautiful, expensive houses as much as you want. It doesn't bring home to you. It only gives you a house. It gives your shelter, gives you a roof where you can protect yourself from the heat, from the cold, from the rain, from whatever, from the weather. It can protect you from that. It does not guarantee a home for you at this house.

But what does guarantee a home to you? He said to her that house that is made of pearl in Al-Jannah has two things:

First Quality: No Noise )لَا صَخَبَ فِيهِ

The Arabic word صخّب means noise. It means it's not rowdy. And if you ask what women really desire most to have a home is peace: "Just be quiet! Keep the kids down! I want to just take five minutes nap! I'm too tired, so just give me five minutes! Just give me five minutes of peace and tranquility! Just one day without fighting! One day without having to worry about all the stuff! One day without having to worry about the kids and so on! Just one day!"

If she can ask for that, she said: "I need one day without that doesn't have any noise. It's not loud. It's not - it doesn't make me so irritated so much." Why is that? Because the noise really makes you irritated and it really makes you exhausted.

How come? The brain - Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala created the brain to operate and function in amazing ways. One of these ways really - one of these ways is that any sound, any sound that you have around over here, believe it or not, the brain operates to process that sound whether it's good or bad, I don't need it or need it. Eventually, if it's something around you, if you can hear it, the brain processes it.

So the first thing: there is no صخب in that house.

Second Quality: No Fatigue وَلَا نَصَب فِيه(

What is the second quality that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has given? The other quality women they would like to have in a home - the word نَصَب means fatigue, fatigue, tiredness. That means they don't want the house they have to worry about working them.

Doesn't your wife keep telling you: "Just give me one day of the week off! One day off!" And the guy said: "Why do you need one day off? What do you do anyway to worry about?"

You know, I really appreciate mothers, women in general right now, particularly mothers. I appreciate these mothers for everything they've done. The reason for that is because, for personal reasons, I have been actually a single father of my children - my three kids, fourteen, twelve, and ten years old children for the past four months by choice. My wife actually, she's overseas for family reasons and so forth. She's taking care of things over there. She'll be back soon inshallah.

I never thought this is going to be a very hard, difficult task. Wallahi, I never thought that. But subhanallah, now that I see what women go through, I understand why women keep worrying about things, complaining, feeling difficulty, fatigue, tiredness and all that stuff and so on. No wonder they work 24 hours a day, seven days a week, the entire every single day of the year. They don't take days off.

You know, you as a guy, you work from 7 to 5 or 4 or whatever. You come back home: "Alhamdulillah, I've done my job. Now it's time to chill out for you." And she of course she takes care of the children for part one, and then part two when you come back and you expect everything to be perfect.

Khadija shall be granted that being in life in general, and may Allah give every single Muslim woman that house in Al-Jannah - a house that has no صخب وَلَا نَصَب - that they don't worry about noise, they don't worry about doing anything. Even if something spells on the floor, it's magically will be cleaned inshallah. Until then, they have to worry about it.

The Inner Structure of the Home

When it comes to the house or just like I said, the house is the outside structure, the home is the inside structure - that is the quality of life. Many husbands, they worry so much about superficial aspects of life. These superficial aspects of life like the furniture, you know, the house, the size, all that stuff. And every time their wives complain about the quality of life that they provide for them, they're saying: "What's wrong with you? I'm working from 7 o'clock in the morning until 5 o'clock or 10 o'clock at night! Don't you know I'm doing all this for you?"

And she says: "You just bring in things. You're not bringing life to us. These things that you call life, they just materialistic things. They don't necessarily provide a quality of life."

Keep that in mind. So if you worry so much about that, one day you're gonna realize that: "I've worked so much, but I couldn't build really a home. I only build the house."

May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala make your houses homes in this dunya in a sense that it brings you peace and tranquility.

Allah's Design for Marriage

Allah azza wa jal says: "And among His signs is this: among His signs" - meaning the miracles of Allah azza wa jal - "and He created for you from amongst yourselves spouses. Why is that? لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا - to bring you serenity. لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا - that when you come back from war, you find peace with them, and when you come back home or they find peace with you. They just سَكِينَة - what you have وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةٌ - and He places between your heart مودة and رحمة."

Mawadda (Love) and Rahma (Mercy)

The word مودة is one degree of love. You know, the word love in the Arabic language - (حُبّ - hubb) - comes in different shades. One of these shades is actually tranquility, peace, mercy, and some of it is actually lust, desires, and so forth. It has many, many shades, and one of the shades of love is the word مودة

The difference between the word love and مودة is that مودة - it's the kind, soft, tender love. It's not the lust one. It's the kind, soft, tender love which is close to romantic, close to that romantic.

Those are what we see in the life of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam - the مودة between him and his wives radiallahu ta'ala anhuma.

Sahih Bukhari and Muslim - Various Narrations Aisha radiallahu ta'ala anha reported that Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, every time he comes into the house, the first thing he starts with: cleaning his mouth with his miswak. The first thing he cleans his mouth - to clean his mouth, to refresh his breath basically. And then what? Then he approaches her and he kisses her.

What do you guys call this? The welcome kiss! I've never seen my dad doing that. You don't have to. Rasulullah, he did that. I am Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he did that.

Why don't you, whenever you come home, the first thing you do, you make sure that you have something in your pocket, whatever in the car, to refresh your breath, and then approach your wife? That doesn't have to end with anything extra - only just a tender kiss, that's it.

And then she said radiallahu ta'ala anha: "Sometimes Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he used to kiss some of his wives while he's fasting on his way out to the masjid, to the salah."

Imagine someone fasting, going to the salah, and kisses his wife on the way out. What kind of kiss is it going to be? It's a beautiful, tender, gentle kiss. It's not that lustful kiss. It's that beautiful, gentle, kind, and that's what we mean by the word مودة - that you have that nice, beautiful, tender heart that's full with love for your spouse.

The word رحمة is the counterpart of that love. You know, in reality, when it comes to the reality of marriages and family life, not all relations are running on love, right? How many relations you guys know

that subhanallah, it's amazing how they're still holding on together? Sometimes it's in your family - like you see your father and mother, they've been married for 50 years perhaps. Every time you see them, they fight. And when they separate, they start calling each other: "How are you doing? Are you okay?" And so on.

And he wonders, subhanallah, how is this happening in life? Because they're really running perhaps on mercy, not necessarily on love. They're running on mercy. When you ask a lady who's having a hard time with her husband: "Why you're still staying with him after all these years?" She goes: "Wallahi, I feel sorry for him because I know if we divorce, I know he's clumsy. He's not gonna survive long. He's not gonna be able to make his food, his clothes, blah blah blah." That's mercy! Wallahi, that's mercy!

And it's reality that some marriages unfortunately are running on mercy, and other relations - it's completely opposite - that you will find them they're running on romance and they think this is everything in life. Unfortunately, it doesn't last long, and that's not the reality of life when it comes to marriage. It has to be a balance. It has to be a balance between مودة and رحمة.

So when the مودة somehow is being compromised in the relationship for whatsoever reason, at least رحمة is a shield that carries the ship inshallah ta'ala until we reach safety and then rekindle love after. And sometimes when mercy is not the thing, it's love that might hold them together until subhanallah, somehow in a situation, they'll find that رحمة among themselves.

The Role of Shaytan in Conflicts

So Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says: "Why do we have conflicts in the house? Why do the husband and wife fight? Why do the kids fight with their parents? What's the problem?"

There is no doubt that the shaytan is the first thing we know that Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he says:

Sahih Muslim Hadith 2813

"Shaytan is becoming desperate to be worshipped on earth." You need to know that shaytan has no hope to be worshipped. He has no hope to be rival to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala in that sense قَاتَلَهُ اللَّهُ

However, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said:

Sahih Muslim Hadith 2813

"He is just satisfied with تحريش between you" - the word تحريش means to instigate a conflict and hate. Instigate conflict and hate - that's what he wants to do. He doesn't like to see you together, particularly husband and wife.

One of the hadith Rasulullah (صلى الله عليه وسلم) mentioned that at the end of the day, every single day almost:

Various Hadith Collections الشَّيْطَانُ يَجْلِسُ عَلَى عَرْشِهِ

"The shaytan, he has a throne" - and that throne is basically imitating قاتلهُ اللَّهُ the throne of Ar-Rahman - and he has the shaytan around him, all his team and all his supervisors and so on. They all get together and he's asking: "Okay, tell me what you guys have done today. Let me see who did something great today."

So this guy said: "I stayed with him until I made him do so-and-so. I stayed up after him until I made sure that he would commit so-and-so" - talking about sins - "I stayed behind this guy until he committed zina, until he stole this money, until he killed this, until he watched pornography, until he did this," and so on.

And the shaytan keeps telling these people: "You've done nothing! That's nothing! You've done nothing!" Until one of them he says: "I kept harassing him, stayed after him until I made him divorce his wife."

That's the time when he says: "You're the one! Come over here! Bring him next to me! That's the one!"

Subhanallah, the shaytan would not like to have peace and tranquility in the house. Why? Because peace and tranquility means what? Your jama means strong families. Strong families means inshallah good worship of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. And if we have that, we have that righteous community society.

Do you really think the shaytan will be happy to see the children of Adam better than him in worship? He was cast out of the mercy of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala because of one single sajdah, prostration - one single sajdah. And then he vowed to challenge us, says:

"Give me the chance to live until the day of judgment and I'll show you that this creation does not deserve what You said about that."

So he's now challenging us and Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to see and prove this - this world, this creation is not worthy of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala's mercy. And we need to prove him wrong. We have to prove him wrong, and we have to maintain inshallah as much as we can peace and tranquility in the house.

The Five Phases of Marriage

How can we do that, and why do you have problems in the house? You know what, I do a marital counseling for the young couples before they get married or the beginning of their relationship and so forth. I tell them that for some of you perhaps you would say: "I wish you came out 10-15 years ago or 20 years ago," but there's always inshallah improvement, room for improvement.

I said: "Here is the thing. This is how marriage goes through. Once you start the process of getting married, you go through five major phases. These are the five major phases."

Phase One: The In-Love Phase

The first phase I call the "in-love phase." The in-love phase is whenever you start now looking into getting married, you start to have those beautiful feelings. Even if you had a family traditional arranged marriage, the moment they tell you "this is going to be your wife," you somehow start melting down. The moment they tell you "this is going to be your husband," you said: "Oh mashallah!" So they start having those beautiful feelings.

Now that you're in love, and when in the in-love phase, what do you guys - how do you present yourself in the in-love phase? You always present the best of you, right or wrong? In your mind, you're not gonna show the ugly part of you. You're not gonna show the dark side, right? You always show the bright side. That's what you do. So you always show the best of you during this time.

She will never see you - she will never see that until later. Same thing, you're not gonna see from her until later. You realize also that's the phase one, and in the phase one, basically the person that you will like you put a lot with is completely perfect, completely perfect.

Phase Two: The Honeymoon/Exploration Phase

The second phase: when they get married, when they do their nikah, they are still in that same phase until they consummate the marriage. Once they have the wedding, once they have basically the rukhsati, eventually it's time for them right now to explore. This is called the honeymoon - it's exploration phase.

In exploration phase, the first few months, everything is cute and beautiful and nice. Even the way he sneezes, the way she sneezes - all this is so cute, mashallah! The way he brushes his teeth, the way he washes his cups up - all that stuff is so cute, just for a few weeks. That's called the exploration phase.

And then during the exploration phase, that's when you guys start testing each other. It's a matter of test. That's why, unfortunately, for our younger generation, because their boundaries are fluid - it's not like the older generation they held their hope, they hold on to their marriage by tradition and culture, meaning culture sets very strong boundaries and sacred meanings for marriage for them.

It's not like the younger generation today. They have the first fight: "Oh, salaam alaikum, khalas! I'm going to my family's house," and then fight for divorce. "Why? What was the problem?" "I don't know, I just don't like him anymore." It's just like that, so simple, subhanallah.

Phase Three: The Disappointment Phase

The third phase: based on these high expectations of course, and if I ask you that question right now how many of you are married right now, raise your hand if you're married. Now how many of you, those

who raised their hands, how many of you guys had very nice, beautiful, amazing expectation for themselves, for their wife, for their marriage? Raise your hands if you had beautiful expectations. Almost everybody would have that expectation for the marriage.

Now how many of you believe that they met their expectation in the relationship? Don't worry, don't be afraid of your spouse. You guys met your expectations? Come on!

What happens in the third phase? The third phase, as I call it, actually the disappointing phase. Now you say: "Are you serious? We're gonna be disappointed?" Yeah, but for good reason inshallah. That disappointment is a wake-up call because many couples, new couples particularly in our generation, and unfortunately when they come into marriage, they have so much, so very high expectation, completely unrealistic.

Phase Four: The Adjustment/Compromise Phase

The fourth phase in a marriage relationship, which I call personally after this disappointment, I call adjustment - the adjustment or compromise phase. The young couple, different from the older generation - the older generation again, as I said, because they have models they can copy from, they learn through observation. They used to see their uncles, their aunts, their brothers, their sisters, the older people in the community, and they would learn from them.

In our culture here in America, our kids, since they're in middle school until they get married, most of their lives around their friends. Most of their lives around their friends.

Our younger generation, they don't have that. They don't have that experience. Where are they getting their ideas about marriage? Guess what? From Hollywood! From Hollywood! That's where they get it from. All what they see is this princess getting married and they lived happily ever after, and there was never part two for that series. They only see part one, which is that lovey-dovey side of it. That's all.

But the part two? Allah, what is it gonna happen?

This phase is about compromise. "I understand my expectation is up here and your expectation is up here. We're gonna have to meet somewhere in the middle. We have to meet somewhere in the middle."

Phase Five: The Autopilot Phase

The last phase is what I call autopilot. The autopilot is basically after you come to the adjustment phase, we start compromising here, compromising there, getting this high on this and low on this, until you meet at a very common ground. Once you get there alhamdulillahi rabbil alameen, you come to the point of understanding one another. Then you start running smooth. You don't have to do anything - it just runs smooth, which may keep marriages alhamdulillahi going smooth.

However, expect bumps on the way. It's not gonna always be so smooth. You might have to go through some hurricane in the middle. Whether you go away or you go through it - if you go through, it's gonna be really bumpy. But if you try to go away, it's gonna be a little bit longer. We're gonna take more effort from you, spend more money, more fuel, more energy, but it's gonna get you safer.

Lessons from the Prophet's Marriage

When it comes to Rasulullah (صلى الله عليه وسلم), his marital life was the ideal marital life - ideal in a sense that it wasn't problem or conflict-free. No! Ideal in a way that we learn from his techniques of solving these problems.

Just like I said, when women, they love the husband or the man who understands him well without even saying a word, Rasulullah (صلى الله عليه وسلم) was that man to Aisha. She said Rasulullah (صلى الله عليه وسلم) - and he was also the same to his wives - she said he told her (صلى الله عليه وسلم):

(Sahih Bukhari and Muslim)

"Wallahi, I know when you're satisfied with me and I know also when you're not satisfied with me. I would know that."

And that's of course what all women want to hear from their husband, right? Because you sense it. He said: "How?" He said: "When you're happy with me, when you're satisfied with me, you always say (لَا وَرَبِّ مُحَمَّدٍ - 'I swear by the Lord of Muhammad.' And when you're unhappy with me, you would say (لَا وَرَبِّ إبْرَاهِيم - By the Lord of Ibrahim.' She doesn't mention the name of Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم)."

But she said to him, and again to show her love to her husband, she said: "Listen, I only avoid your name, which means your love is there, but I never - I just try to avoid your name at that moment." That's natural. It does happen. These things will happen actually.

The same thing, wa Rasulullah (صلى الله عليه وسلم), he has just like the women, just like in any other marriage and other relations, they always love to see improvements in their marital relationships, in their life. So one of the ways of improvement is decorations, changing furniture, buying new things, stuff like that and so on - which demands what? Extra money!

Even Rasulullah (صلى الله عليه وسلم), he had to deal with that. He had to deal with that. Every time a new wealth comes from some of his surrounding areas, then they bring all the treasures to the masjid. They didn't have a treasury back there or banks, so they bring everything to the masjid and they leave guards over there like Abu Huraira radiallahu anhu.

So they leave the guards over there, and when the women they hear that: "Oh subhanallah, they got the treasures of Al-Bahrain!" They come to Rasulullah: "I heard that something came from Al-Bahrain." "What

do you want?" "What do you mean by that?" "Yes, so at least we need something. Can't you give us something?"

He said: "Don't you get your provision for the year?" Because that's what the Prophet used to do. He used to divide their provision for the entire year and he gives them everything ahead of the year: "This is your wealth, this is your money, this is your food, this is other stuff for the year. Deal with it, manage it yourself."

But every now and then, they want some house improvement, right? "Everybody's gonna be taking their share. What about us?"

And Rasulullah says: "This is not my money. I can't do that. This is for the ummah, for the community." But still, they saw that they need, they can take more, and they kept going and doing that.

And sometimes Abu Bakr as-Siddiq and Umar would hear their daughters' voices raising their voices against the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم). They come in and then Abu Bakr as-Siddiq and Umar - so the moment they say their parents or their father's coming in, they immediately start running away from them: "Come over here, such enemies to yourselves! Come over here!"

The father, he wants of course to chastise and school his own daughter. Rasulullah, he's the one who starts with them. He said: "It's all right, it's all right, it's okay. I'll take care of this. Leave them for me."

The Prophet's Month of Separation

And sometimes Rasulullah (صلى الله عليه وسلم) would be sitting there and his wives surrounding him, asking, demanding more money. And one of these occasions, Umar al-Khattab radiallahu ta'ala anhu came in. The moment he came in, the women they covered themselves and they kept quiet.

So they kept quiet as they were just a few seconds away - they were just raising their voices in front of the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم). So Umar, he said: "Such enemies to yourselves! Look at you! You're raising your voice in front of the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم). The moment I come in, you stay quiet, which means you don't have respect to Rasulullah (صلى الله عليه وسلم) and you show me that respect."

But Umar (صلى الله عليه وسلم), she gave him the answer. She goes: "Listen, Rasulullah (صلى الله عليه وسلم), he's very kind and gentle. You're a rude man!" Which means: "We can deal with you. You're just something else." And radiallahu ta'ala, of course.

And if you throw that rock on him - almost I have to go away. Not physical rock, but that statement is a statement they have to leave. Eventually, even Rasulullah, he had to deal with that, and sometimes he would deal with it. Yeah, he would get to the maximum. There is a roof for him that he can tolerate these things, but at some point, he's gonna have to take an action.

One of these actions, which is the story I would like to end with inshallah ta'ala, is that action when Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam his wives said he kept complaining - they want more, they want more, they want more. And finally, Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he swore by Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he gave an oath that he's not going to approach them for an entire month. Basically, he was boycotting them.

What women they call it? They call the silent treatment. You know, when the husband - you come and you talk to your husband, he's just making a big show out of it: "So, are you gonna eat with us? Are you gonna eat with us?" He doesn't want to talk. It's just like a silent thing.

So Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he physically did that. Basically, he withdrew from the house of Aisha and the other houses of his wives sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and he stayed in the loft. They had a loft above the house of Aisha radhiallahu ta'ala anha, and there's a stair leads to the masjid. He was in that loft.

When Umar ibn Khattab heard the news that Rasulullah he divorced all his women, he freaked out because of his daughter Hafsa. So he went straight to his house, to Hafsa's house, and she was weeping and crying. "What happened? What happened there?" He goes: "Well, I don't know. Did he divorce you?" "I don't know."

And he kept telling his daughter: "I told you, don't act like Aisha. Aisha, she can do things that she can get away with it. You cannot." Eventually, that didn't help her either.

They had to go out, so he went to look for Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and he finds Bilal guarding the stairway to the loft. So then Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam - then Bilal was guarding the stairs for Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. Umar said: "Why don't you ask permission for me? I want to talk to Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam."

Then Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, when Bilal went up to seek permission for Rasulullah, he said: "I saw Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam leaning on his side. He was reclining on his arm and he was just resting there quiet" - which most men like to do when they're upset. They just want to withdraw in their own cave and just don't want - don't bother me right now.

So Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was there. Bilal said: "Ya Rasulullah, Umar wants to talk to you." And guess what was the answer that the Prophet gave to Bilal? Can you guess? The answer was nothing silent answer again, silent treatment.

So Bilal, after some time - that means the Prophet was really upset, that's what it means. So Bilal comes down. He said: "I told him, but he said nothing." So Umar got nervous, said, but he sat down. After some time, he said: "I couldn't take it anymore, so I went back to Bilal. Can you try to seek permission again? Maybe the Prophet would [come] down right now."

So then he went up to say: "Ya Rasulullah, Umar is asking for permission." The Prophet just remained silent, means: "I'm not ready for that now. Leave him alone." So he came back, says: "I told him, he just remained quiet."

Now Umar is freaking out right now. This is very serious. This never happened before. So he said for a longer period of time, and then finally he came back to Bilal, says: "Okay, now try to seek permission. Maybe it's getting easier now."

So finally, when he said: "Ya Rasulullah, Umar..." then the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says: "Okay." Umar now comes in, and he's very worried and very anxious, doesn't know what to expect.

So when he saw the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam in that position, kind of felt a little bit uneasy, so he didn't sit down. He kept standing. He said: "Ya Rasulullah," he tried to kind of like an ice-breaker, say: "You know, Ya Rasulullah, when we used to be in Mecca, the Quraishi women, our women, they were mashallah, they were just very obedient, very submissive. Whenever he says something, they never answer back to you. But when we came to Medina, the Ansari women are more outspoken. So the other day I was talking to my wife, and my wife, she learned from the Ansari women, it seems. She was learning from them. The other day I was talking to my wife and she answered back."

And for Umar, it was like a major sin by answering back. Again, that was culture of Mecca, and this was the culture of Medina. The Medina women are stronger indeed they were, and there are so many hadiths show how women they used to ask questions.

Even Aisha, she said about them: "May Allah have mercy on the Ansari women. Even shyness and bashfulness never stopped them from learning their deen. They will ask questions."

Even one woman, she asked when the Prophet was asking about the blood - basically the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he told her - she asked: "Ya Rasulullah, what do we do with this blood?" It's a kind of very embarrassing question. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says: "Eventually you take a piece of cotton or cloth and just purify yourself with that."

So the woman she said: "How?" Now a very awkward question, right? The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he was so - he became so shy, he blushed sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. He said - she said: "Ya Rasulullah, how?" And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam: "Just purify yourself," which means you should know better. Then she didn't stop until Aisha, she pulled her aside. She says: "That's it. Just follow the trace of the blood and she'll be fine."

So even the Ansari women, they're actually very strong. So here's Umar, he's saying: "Ya Rasulullah, the other day I was talking to my wife and she answered back." Of course, today this is now - and alhamdulillah, we went way beyond that right now - but eventually Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam,

in response to that, he smiled, which means what? "So yeah, I know what you're saying, man," which means: "We're all in the same boat. I know what you're talking about."

When Umar saw the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam smiling, he said: "I felt comfortable. I sat down." Then after that awkward silence, I turned to Rasulullah. He said: "Did you divorce them?" The Prophet says: "No, I just - I'm staying away from them for a month." That's called (الإيلاء - al-iilaa') in the Quran - (الإيلاء).

So he vowed - it's mentioned in Surah Al-Baqarah - so that the maximum is four months. After four months, if you don't reconcile with your wife, that's divorce, or you'll be forced into divorcing.

So eventually, when Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam did that month - after a month - so basically 29 days - you guys know that the month, usually the Arabic month or the lunar month is 29 or 30 days - so that month was 29 days. Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam comes down. Khalas, he's now done with that silent treatment.

Where do you expect him to go first? Which house would he choose first? Aisha! He goes to the house of Aisha.

If a husband fights with his wife, he gets upset, he moves out of the house, he goes driving around everywhere, and he goes to Austin, comes back again, and then on the way, he just brings a cup of coffee with him. That's all. He comes into the house. He cooled down. He listened to the news. Then he found out that his problem is much easier than the world's problems. Alhamdulillah, start worrying. And don't have to worry about that stuff. He comes back home.

Right now, what do you expect your wife to do when you come back home after you fight with your wife? You told her: "I'm leaving, I'll be back later."

After three, four hours, you leave the wife in the house, miskina. She will be just many hundred tons of thoughts coming to her mind: "So he's gonna go? He's gonna commit suicide? He's gonna divorce me? He's gonna do this?" She goes through all of this when all he's doing is having a cup of coffee.

Then when he comes back, he's cool right now. What do you expect him to do? He expects his wife is - what he expects his wife to - smile, say: "I'm sorry, oh I didn't mean that," blah blah blah, all that stuff, right? That's what most men, they want their wife to do. "Show me respect now. That's what I want, right? I showed you last time."

At the moment the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam came in, she told him - rather, she basically said: "Well, after 29 days, she said: 'Well, the month is not - it's not over yet. When you vowed for one month, the month - the month is not over yet.'"

Which means: "If you're upset, why don't you stay for another day up there?"

Now, for a man to his wife answering like this after all this and the whole episode, what does that mean to them? "They didn't learn the lesson, right? You could just close the door, say: 'Salaam alaikum,' even."

But also, a lot sallallahu alayhi wa sallam be happy. "Home, how gentle, how kind, how loving." This salaam - he just said to her: "A month can be like this - 29 days. I can also be like this - 30 days," which means: "This one was 29 days. Just better be quiet. Let's move on with our lives right now."

My point here is that even this most beautiful man sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and even his household sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, was not conflict-free. If you want to learn how to navigate through these problems, wallahi, you will have nothing, no one better than Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

Solutions for Marital Conflicts

So the best thing to do, my recommendation to solve these problems inshallah:

1. Refer to Allah and His Messenger

Number one: if you ever have an issue between you and your spouse, refer it to Allah. That's what Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says: when you have a conflict over anything, the best point of reference to solve these problems is to Allah. "Is that something that you're asking me to do or not? Is that something that I have to do or not? Is that something?" So refer it to Allah and His messenger.

You don't have the answer for it? Guess what? Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says: then ask the experts. Ask the ulama, the alim, the imam. Is not necessarily - it's not his expertise or field? Guess what? A lot of marriage therapists, counselors, this, that, whatever. But you just need to ask the expert to see: "Is this my duty, your duty? My obligation, your duty obligation?" and so on.

2. Speak with Gentleness (Ar-Rifq)

Number two: An-Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says:

(Sahih Muslim Hadith 2594)

"Ar-rifq" - which means leniency, kindness - "You cannot find leniency in anything but it enhances it and makes it more beautiful. And if you take leniency away from it, it makes it rough and rude."

So when you speak, speak with rifq and leniency - it brings miracle. If you speak with roughness and rudeness and so on, it doesn't really bring to you what you expect of happiness and tranquility and peace.

Maybe you win the battle, but you lose the war. You will lose the war in that house. So you're gonna win that battle - she's gonna basically be quiet. Same time, some of the ladies, you might win the battle with your husband because you just try to use the time frame or whatever. Eventually he breaks down:

"Whatever, take it, do it." You won a battle, but overall, you're gonna lose an entire war and battleground eventually, which is the house.

3. Practice Justice (Adl) and Virtue (Fadl)

So you never have a home - you're only gonna have a house. Next to that, there are things - there's something called (العدل - al-'adl) (justice) and something called (الفضل - al-fadl) (virtue). Adl and Fadl.

Whenever it comes to seeking my rights and obligations between husband and wife, you're entitled to your (عدل) - what is fair and just to you. If you ask what is just and fair to you, no one can really complain about this. No one has the right to even object to that. That's fairness and justice.

However, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is asking us to go beyond (عدل) into (فضل), which means virtue. That means you need to somehow give in. You need to give in and drop some of your rights for the benefit of everybody - the family, the house.

"Yeah, I understand, but eventually it's fine. I'll allow you to do this."

"Never forget about the virtue and the good time we spent together. Never forget about that. That's the virtue."

So yes, you might ask for (عدل) for justice, but sometimes it's better for you to forfeit some of your rights for the benefit of everybody inshallah wa ta'ala.

4. Control Your Anger

Finally, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says:

"And those who restrain and control their anger."

Many marriages were broken because of, unfortunately, uncontrolled anger. And for me, honestly, every anger can be controlled. If you really prepare yourself and educate yourself, because the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he said that - biabi huwa ummi - that's not my word. It's the word of Rasulullah. He said:

"Knowledge comes through education. And forbearance" - which means patience, controlling your anger - "comes through training."

So you can control your anger.

"And those who forgive the people, and Allah loves those who always do things with ihsan" - which means with perfection.

Conclusion

So what I want you to do in your relationship hopefully inshallah wa ta'ala: maintain these rules bithnillahi azza wa jal.

And remember, remember that whenever you communicate with your spouse, always communicate love and respect to one another in a way that is meaningful to them, not necessarily to you.