Relationship between the Husband and the Wife

Relationship between the Husband and the Wife

By getting married, one completes half of his religion. But what is the relationship between a wife and her husband? And how can they maintain their marriage?

Introduction and Guests

As-salāmu alaykum and welcome to Youth Talk. First of all, the guests in the studio, I'd like to welcome them.

Shaykh Walid Bassioni, instructor at the American Open University in Virginia, the Imam of the Clear Lake Islamic Center in Houston, and a member of the Fatwa Committee in the Muslim Jurisdiction in North America. It's a pleasure having you with us. It's my pleasure.

I'd also like to welcome our other guests in the studio. On my left, I have Muhammad, who is an English translator. I have next to him Mahmood, also a translator, and Akmal from Malaysia, who is a graduate of Political Science Faculty, Cairo University.

Conditions of Valid Marriage

First of all, Shaykh Walid, we spoke in the past about finding the correct person or the right person in life. We also spoke about the contract of marriage, touching upon the various conditions of the contract of marriage. Are there various types of marriages? We know that we have heard of many a kind of marriages.

I'll let you give us the information in that respect. Any marriage should be judged by the condition that we mentioned before, which they are. First, it has to meet the conditions.

And we said before, the first condition has to be an offer and acceptance from both sides. There should be a wali, there should be witnesses. It should not be in secret. There is a dowry or mahr given to the female. So these are the conditions. Some of them, if they do not exist, the marriage will not be valid, like the first two conditions.

If there is no offer and acceptance, it will not be valid. If there is no wali, the vast majority of the scholars said it will not be valid as well. Also, if it's done in a very secretive way that nobody else knows about it, so many scholars would say it's not going to be a valid marriage.

If it's a temporary marriage, also it's not going to be valid. So we have to meet these conditions. You name it whatever name you want to name it, like you call it urfi or a custom marriage. This marriage has to meet the condition. If it meets the condition, it's acceptable. If it doesn't meet the condition, it's not acceptable.

Temporary Marriage (Mut'a)

What about temporary marriage, getting married for a fixed period? This type of marriage existed before Islam. It's called the marriage of mut'a, a joy marriage or temporary marriage. The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم did not, or the shariah, did not stop people from practicing this type of marriage in the early time of Islam.

But the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم sent Ali ibn Abi Talib, as Imam Bukhari reported in his Sahih, to Mecca in the time of Hajj, when Abu Bakr led the hajjaj in the eighth hijrah to perform their first hajj. And Ali )رضي الله عنه( announced in that great gathering that the mut'a marriage or this temporary marriage, joy marriage, is forbidden. It's not allowed anymore.

That's why the Ahl al-Sunnah said, this type of marriage is invalid and it's not acceptable.

Misyar Marriage

But what about the marriage of misyar? Say for instance, I'm a merchant, I travel a lot to the States. Can I have a wife there in the States and I live here in Cairo and whenever I go to the States, I stay with her?

If misyar, let me say, I don't know if there is any equal word to the word misyar in English because in a Western culture or the Muslim community that live in the West, they don't have this type of marriage, at least it's not common. So misyar, they mean by misyar is somebody who will not be, if we can use this word, full-time husband. It means when the wife gives up some of her rights.

Either she said, I don't need your financial support, I'm rich, I make money, I don't need you to support me financially. Or she said, I don't need you to live with me. I'm, for example, taking care of my mother, she's old. And whenever you come to the city, you will come to my house or to spend the days that you are here with me, I'm giving up my right. Is this allowed or not?

Recently, the Muslim jurist and the Muslim board, they have annual meeting in Mecca and they discuss this type of marriage and they said, it is allowed if the woman gives up her rights and this will not cause harm. Like for, and they mean by that, let's say she said, okay, I don't mind if you don't come here all the time, maybe sometime, some days in the month or whatever period of time they agree upon.

But by staying away from her might cause problem, might cause that she will be in a status that she cannot control herself. She might be involved in what is haram or he will be involved in what is haram. In this case, if they cannot protect themselves or this separation will cause problem to any one of them, this type of marriage will not be allowed.

So basically, they are capable of maintaining themselves in the right way and according to the Islamic laws. And also it's by the mutual consent between both sides. And by the way, this reminds me that one

of the conditions of marriage, that it has to be based on mutual acceptance from both sides and consent. So nobody can force his daughter to marry somebody. This will not be a valid marriage.

Urfi Marriage (Customary Marriage)

What about Urfi marriage or customary marriage? Are there some incidents when that is permitted? I mean, under law, of course, it's not permitted. But from an Islamic point of view, is that permitted?

The same group of scholars also said that this customary marriage or Urfi will not be allowed the way that people practice it today. In a sense that a boy and a girl in the college, what they do, they go to apartment just before they having sexual relationship. They say, I marry you, you marry me. Let's write this piece of paper. And that's it. And she's allowed for me. Or Allah is our witness. Allah is the witness. Astaghfirullah.

Things like that. Allah is the one who's handling our marriage. And that's it. That's not, this is, you don't play games with Allah. You don't cheat Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. This is not the right way to get married.

So this type of marriage is not acceptable in Islam, no doubt. And marriage is meant to be in public. It's not meant to be behind closed doors. Nobody, as if it is a relationship between a prostitute and a customer. That's not the way the relationship between a husband and wife.

But Sheikh, in some cases they go to a lawyer and he does a contract for them. But it will not be documented by the government. So is it correct? In what cases again? I mean, that's the question again. In some cases, are there certain cases where a Urfi marriage can be considered a proper Islamic marriage?

The problem with the word Urfi, it's different from, Urfi means custom. So custom is different from one country to another. We don't care about the custom here. We care about the condition. If it meets the condition, the Wali is there. There are witnesses. There was offer and acceptance from both sides. And her family knows about it. It's acceptable. It meets the condition, acceptable.

You want to call it Urfi in one country. You don't want to call it Urfi. It's up to you. Do we need to record this on the government paperwork? It has to be written. I think yes, it has to be done in the proper way. If you live in a country, you have to be an obedient citizen.

Go with the law of your country. This law, Alhamdulillah, will not contradict the Islamic law. And the government put this law to protect your rights. What if this person died today? And somebody said, no, you have nothing to do with his heritage. She cannot inherit anything from him. The law is meant to protect your rights.

So what if he said, oh, this is not my son. I don't know about you. There are examples and there are stories we hear about it that people deny that they ever had a relationship with this girl. Just basically because there is nothing to prove it.

The Role of Wali (Guardian)

Now you're saying that a wali is a prerequisite for a valid marriage. But I've heard that a previously married woman, if she's going to marry again, she doesn't need a wali. Is this true?

If she's been married, she doesn't need a wali. Some scholars said that if the woman is old, she has experience in life, she's intelligent. Some said that. Some said if she's divorced, and because divorce, usually they refer to a divorced woman or a widow, because she had experience in life. She's not usually very young age. She's a mature woman. She can decide on her behalf or she can decide if this man is right for her or not. So they said there's no need for a wali.

This opinion, in my opinion, is not a valid opinion. Why? If you say that, that means that the woman who's never been married before, what do you mean? She's not intelligent? She can't decide for herself? No, she can be intelligent, even if she's 18 or 19 years old. It's not about intelligence or not. It's not about being smart.

Who can judge she's intelligent or not? Who can judge she has experience? There is no definition for that, like a very clear definition of intelligent or somebody's experience or old. How old? 30? 40? She can be divorced and she's only 18 years old. She can be a widow and she's only 19 years old. What about that?

And they said, no, whoever said that cannot come up. He couldn't come up with any criteria or a clear definition for the situation where he said, okay, you're allowed to marry without Wali or with Wali. That's one point.

The second point, the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said clearly : لا نكاح إلا بولي - "No marriage is valid without a wali." Very clear, the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said that. And the hadith is authentic, even though some people might try to criticize the authenticity of the hadith.

Also Aisha )رضي الله عنها( said, the difference between marriage and fornication is the Wali. Imagine if somebody meets a girl, I marry you, you marry me, that's it. You know, also she said, this usually what people will do, go to fornicate with somebody like with a prostitute, he offers her money, she accepts the money, and now they go together.

But marriage, no, the marriage is about, that's why Aisha said, the difference between fornication and marriage is the Wali and the witnesses and the duff that it's in public, it's not in secret. Also, you see that Umar )رضي الله عنه( and Ibn Mas'ud and so many of the Sahaba and the companions of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said that if any woman married a man without Wali, her marriage is not valid. And they did not say if she is old or young, divorced or a widow, you know, they never mentioned that.

Wisdom Behind the Wali System

And also here, one more point I would like to add. Why the Sharia put the guardian as a condition in the

marriage, like if a girl wants to get married, she needs to have a guardian, a Wali to represent her in the marriage. Is it because we don't trust women? Is it because a male world? Is it because male better than woman? Unfortunately, this is not the way we should look at this issue.

The scholars mentioned several benefits from having the Wali. One, marriage is a very serious relationship. It means a commitment from a man to a female to take care of her. It's basically they're going to share their future, their life together. And this also will continue even after death, that they will be married to each other in Jannah inshallah. So this is a very serious issue.

In order for you to make the right decision, you have to know the full and the whole picture. Always the female looks at the male from one perspective as a female. But when male deals with another male, he deals with him from another perspective.

You know, when I see a guy, I look at him and I deal with him from different angle than a girl dealing with a guy. The girl sees something from the man and I see something else from him. That's why Islam wants to give the girl the full picture. Her perspective and the male perspective of the person she knows.

So I cannot, if I'm convinced with the person, she's not going to marry him. If I'm not convinced and she is convinced, I just deliver my advice to her and it's going to be up to her to accept or not in the end of the day. So Islam wants the girl to have a very clear picture of the person.

Also, the guardian, the Wali, is supposed to go and ask about the person. Go to his job and investigate about the person. Imagine if a girl comes to your college, you study in Cairo, you used to study in Cairo University. If she comes to your class and she said, how's Akmal? I'm interested in marrying him. Is that proper? It's not proper. That's right. It's not proper that the girl will... It's not normal. It's something that sounds wrong.

She goes to your work, to your neighborhood to ask about you. What do you think about that? If that would happen? I don't know what to do. So that's the Wali's role, to go and to investigate. The Sharia is afraid that the woman will not have, as you say, like the guts to go and ask and investigate so she will accept. Now the Sharia wants somebody else to go and investigate and look and talk to the relatives and so on.

So actually the Sharia looks after the benefit of the girl when the Sharia said the girl must have Wali. If you think about this, you will not differentiate between a divorced woman and a woman never been married. I think the people who said an old woman or a divorced woman, she doesn't need Wali. They didn't realize the great wisdom behind it.

Marriage with Non-Muslims

What if the woman is non-Muslim? Does that make any difference if a man, if a Muslim is marrying a non-Muslim? And then the girl, who will be the Wali to that girl?

Let me ask the second part first. If she's not Muslim, who is her Wali? There is a difference of opinions between the scholars about this. The vast majority of scholars said, let me go back a little bit and say, if there is a Muslim sister, her Wali is not Muslim. Her Wali is not Muslim. She's Muslim, but her Wali is not Muslim.

She became Muslim and her father is still Christian or Jewish or Buddhist or whatever religion he believes in. Can he become her Wali? The vast majority of the scholars said, no. The vast majority said, no, he cannot be her Wali. Some scholars said, no, he still can be the Wali. He still can be the Wali.

And if he abuses his right as a Wali, he said, I don't want you to marry a Muslim. In this case, her Wali will be the judge or if she's in a Muslim country, the head of the Islamic center or the imam of the masjid will be her Wali.

Personally, I always tell the sister, the convert sisters, go let your father represent you in the marriage. Why? Because I want the father to know that he cares about the family structure. We don't just ignore his existence because being a father will not change by being Muslim or not Muslim. You're still a father. You're still the older brother. You're still a family member. It will not be changed just because she became Muslim. She still has a relationship. She still will care about her in most of the cases. So that's something I always recommend to put him involved in the process.

As if she's not a Muslim, her Wali is her father still. But there's no question about that. That she still needs a Wali and her Wali is her father or her brother. The older brother if her father doesn't want to handle the marriage.

Marriage Between Muslims and People of the Book

Going back to the point you said about the non-Muslim also, marrying a non-Muslim. Non-Muslim, there's two types of non-Muslim. Non-Muslim who's a Christian or Jew. And non-Muslim who doesn't believe in any book or he believes, or he has other faith than Christianity and Judaism.

Christians and Jews, Islam allowed marrying from their females with the condition that they should be muhsanat) - chaste women. The woman who does not practice adultery, who does not practice zina basically. And this woman not allowed to marry. Even if she's Muslim, you're not allowed to marry such a woman. Until she repents to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. And she has to be among the people of the book.

People of the book, it doesn't mean that she has to believe in the pure Christian, the original message of Jesus. No, Christian, it means a person who is Christian. Even if he believes Jesus is God or Jesus son of God, he's still considered Christian.

So the Christians today, the Jews today, they are the Jews and Christians who used to exist in the Prophet's time. The same belief, the same belief basically. Also, the scholars said, even if there are new groups or new sects among Christians or Jews appear, they will take the rules of Christian and Jews.

Like for example, in the time of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم,there were no Mormons. Mormons is a new sect in Christianity. But can you marry a girl who's Mormon? She's muhsana, she's protected, she's chaste. Yes, the scholars said, yes, she takes the same rule.

But if she's not Christian, she's not a Jew, Allah said:

"Don't marry the polytheist women until they believe" (Quran 2:221). Don't be married to a kafir woman, a non-Muslim, other than the people of the book, because there is exception for the people of the book.

Because those are the people, subhanAllah, if you look through the history of Islam, Muslims interacted with the most.

Muslim Women Marrying Non-Muslim Men

What about, that's if, of course, a Muslim man is marrying a non-Muslim female. What about the opposite? If it's a Muslim female who wants to marry a non-Muslim man?

In Islam, it's very clear that a female believer cannot marry, cannot marry a non-Muslim, a non-Muslim. Allah said in Surah Al-Baqarah:

don't let the male disbelievers marry a female believer until they convert to Islam, until they become Muslim" (Quran 2:221).

And we know the history of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم . In the Prophet's time, a man who proposed to a Muslim woman, and she said, you must embrace Islam. You have to be Muslim in order for me to marry you. And so that's something, there is a consensus among the scholars about it, that a female Muslim cannot marry a non-Muslim, even if he is among the people of book.

The reason for that, you know, for me as a Muslim male, I have respect. I believe in Jesus. I believe in Moses. I believe in David. I believe in the Torah. I believe in the Bible. I believe in the books which they believe in generally. I do have respect for that. I believe in it. It's part of my belief.

But if you go the other way around, it's not the same case. They don't believe in Muhammad. They don't believe in Quran as a word of God, because if they do, they have to follow it.

You know, even if they have some, even some of them or so many of them, they have respect for Islam. They have respect for the book we believe in. But the rule comes as a general rule for all the time, all the situations.

So Islam, if you think about a male married to non-Muslim or a Christian female, because you believe that she is among the people of book, you have so much respect and believe in her religion as a religion

revealed from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. But if you go to the other way around, it's not the same case. It's not the same case.

Islam is afraid that she will be abused. She will not, her religion will not be recognized. And also because of the children, because of the children. This is also something Islam looks after, because usually males have or husbands have more influence on the children than females. In a sense, the custody can take them away. He's the provider and so on.

Post-Marriage Conversion

We'll take a short break and we'll be back in a few moments with some more questions, of course, and we'll continue the topic with Sheikh. Now, we've spoken about the intent of marriage and different types of marriages and, of course, marrying a non-Muslim as well. If we were to move now to post-marriage or the relationship between the husband and the wife.

But before we start, I have a question. What if after marriage, you have a child? The wife becomes a Muslim, while the husband is still a non-Muslim. Can she continue in marriage or do we have to separate between them?

It's a good question. If the woman converted to Islam or became Muslim and her husband did not accept Islam to be his religion, what's the situation here? What's the solution?

This woman has to tell her husband that I can't live with you if you don't accept Islam because I'm not allowed to do that. And she can give him as much time as she wants to think about this. She can wait a week, two weeks, a month, whatever time she wants until she feels that he is not willing to change. He's not going to accept his wife's new faith.

But during this period, the sharia says, she's not allowed to have a sexual relationship with him, like to have intercourse in that period of time. If he became Muslim, if he became Muslim, she doesn't need to renew the contract. She doesn't need to make a new contract. Their marriage will be valid and just continue their life.

The Foundation of Marriage Relationship

The relationship between the Muslim husband and his Muslim wife. Or non-Muslim wife as well, as a matter of fact. Are there certain characteristics of how this relationship should be built between the husband and wife?

Yes. Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, I would choose three verses of Quran. I think they describe, and they just beautifully describe the nature of the relationship between the husband and wife.

Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala said that when he created for us spouses:

And He placed between you love and mercy" (Quran 30:21). So there will be love and mercy.

Any house has to be based on these two pillars, love and mercy. Sometimes the love goes up and down, but if there is mercy in the house, believe me, this mercy can save so many houses from collapsing. That's why Umar )رضي الله عنه( said, not every house among the Muslims is based on love.

Not everybody really goes deep on this, can be any, we call the strong love between them. But if there is mercy, the marriage can survive. But if there is no mercy and there is no love, marriage cannot survive. It becomes a disaster. That's one.

Two, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, when he described the relationship between male and female, he made it in a very beautiful way in Arabic language:

"They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them" (Quran 2:187).

The question here, what do clothes mean to you? When you think about clothes, it means the closest thing to you. So your wife and your husband must be the closest thing to you. What do clothes mean? Imagine if you're without clothes, you look terrible. We put clothes to beautify ourselves. I feel that I'm ugly without my wife. I feel I'm not complete without my wife. I'm incomplete without my wife. Incomplete without my husband. I feel this is, I need her and she needs me.

You know, imagine a suit by itself and a person like, but if you put it on, you become more beautiful. This is the way it is. It's like they say, it's like the cereal and the spoon. You know, you need to eat cereal, you need a spoon. Spoon to eat the cereal. But that's the nature of it.

Also clothes protect you. And that's the marriage. Protect you. Also clothes make you warm. And that's the relationship between man and a woman when they marry each other. There's a warm relationship.

Also, when you have your clothes on, you're comfortable. You know, it should be comfortable. It's not to be tight or too loose. It has to be comfortable. And you adapt, you get used to it. You know, actually, when you wear like pants several times, it fits you right. It becomes like in your size and you fit in it perfectly. And this is the marriage. It should be something you feel comfortable with. You feel comfortable when you are with your wife or when you're with your husband.

So clothes has so many meanings, even more than what I just mentioned.

Mutual Rights and Responsibilities

But the third verse I would like to share with you. It's a beautiful verse. Also related to this, Allah said:

"And they have rights similar to those over them in a just manner" (Quran 2:228). This is general rule. And this is the key for success in this matter.

They have the same rights that you have. In another word, whatever you expect from her, she should also expect the same thing from you. Ibn Abbas )رضي الله عنه( once was seen fixing his hair and putting perfume while he is entering his house.

So the student said, you know, this is weird, you know, usually you put perfume and fix yourself when you're going out. He was doing the opposite. He said, I'm expecting my wife to be ready for me when I walk into the house. So if I want her to be ready for me, I should be ready for her. And he recited this verse:

You know the problem so many times we ask about our rights, but we don't think about their rights, you know, and always in Islam, there is mutual responsibility as Islam gives you something, he asks you to do something. There are duties and responsibilities. This is the nature of the rules.

So this verse clearly says whatever you expect from her, you should expect the same from you. You want her to treat you with respect, you treat her with respect. You want to treat her, you want her to treat you, to consult you, you should also consult her. If she's expecting him to respect her, she should respect him also.

It's like a cooperation. It's like a company. We have to work the home in a way that we really share the responsibility. I just, I love this verse because really it's, I think it's the basis of justice.

Home Responsibilities and Tasks

And what about home tasks? Are there certain duties that the woman has? Home tasks, cooking, washing, cleaning. Is that the only responsibility of women or does man have to share these tasks with her?

I think that ties in a bit with the fact that some males tend to neglect that they have any responsibilities to provide themselves as well. But it's always the female, the wife who should do.

(Source Name)

"The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم used to help his wife, used to help his wife in his house." The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلمAnas said about him that for 10 years, he never asked Anas to do anything for him. Anas is his servant. He never asked Anas to do this to him or to do that. And he never asked him why he didn't do this or why he didn't do that. He always did whatever he wanted by himself. The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم is not of his habit to ask people to do.

You know, try to do this with your wife. Just one day. Don't ask her to do anything for you. Do it yourself. Try, try. She might get used to it. Used to it.

This is the problem. The problem is, we think from only one way of thinking. One way, you think, okay, you don't want me to ask you. Also, you have to do your part as well. You try to help me because the wife is supposed to help her husband. To provide for, as you provide money and bring income to the house,

Maintaining a Strong Marriage

How can a wife and her husband maintain a strong marriage, a loving marriage? You know, sometimes when people get in the middle of the troubles of life and the difficulties, the nice small words, the affection, the warmth, that's lost somehow in between. How can you maintain something like that?

I think the best example I can give is the example, the best example for all humanity is Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم). I'm talking about a man in his 50s, late 50s and 60 years old. He's still telling his wife that he loves her.

He's telling Aisha that he loves her. Mahbooba Rasoolallah, that's the name of Aisha. She's the love of the Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم). If you look at the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) the way he used to treat them, you know, they said, there's a statistic saying if a person says to his wife every day at least 12 times, I love you, I love you, it will have so much good impact on their marriage life.

And by the way, you can say 13 times if you want. It's a study, they've done. And they found the person who said to his wife 12 times at least, I love you, this relationship became so strong.

You know, some parents, they feel shy to say that in front of their kids. In front of their children. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said that in front of his companions that he loves Aisha the most.

That's one. Two, they said also when you talk about like the people who counsel or marriage counselors, they will tell you small things have more effect than big things. Do you know that the rose that you leave in your wife's bed has more effect on her maybe than a thousand dollars you give to her? I don't know about that, but maybe some people said that.

But believe me, these small things when you walk by her and cover her, when you say the nicest word, see the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) used to eat from the same place or he would drink from the same spot where Aisha (رضي الله عنها) drank or ate. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) would share with her the same food. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) would take shower with her.

The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) when he goes to sleep, he will take off his shirt. So his wife's skin will touch his skin. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) when he wanted Safiya to ride the camel, you know what he did? He put his knee. So Safiya steps on his thigh and rides the camel like opening the door for your wife. She doesn't need to walk behind you. She doesn't need to be treated with no respect.

These small things you do for your wife, you do for your husband. Believe me, it's like magic, changes the person around.

Sustaining Love Over Time

You know, for the first time, maybe you can see everything is just like romantic, but after maybe 10 years,

Conclusion

I'd like to thank of course, Sheikh Walid Bassioni for joining us on the program. I'd like to thank Mohamed, Mahmoud and Akmal. It's a pleasure having you all with us. We'll be back again soon with a new episode and more topics to talk about here on Youth Talk.