Ivy Muslims Conference 2014 - Keynote

Spiritual Leadership with Children

But you're going to get married, and then you're going to have children. And this is where you've got to begin thinking about the idea that spiritual leadership is not just exported to the masjid, or to the community. No, if you're going to be a spiritual leader, the most important spiritual leadership you will ever engage in, is that of being a good spiritual leader to your children.

May Allah make that easy for us. And I say that with a very heavy heart. I'm 3,000 miles away from my children.

And you're going to have those really difficult moments where your kids get children, and they have this boundless awareness, and this boundless imagination, and this boundless willingness to ask really crazy questions. And you have a lot of boundaries on your imagination and your answers. Your kids are going to ask difficult questions, you know.

But children, they have what we call in our tradition, fitrah, a primordial inclination to natural goodness. My kids were playing outside one day, and they had those Greek god uniforms on. One of them was Zeus.

And they're like, I'm a Greek god. And I was like, oh. I was like, oh, wait.

I was like, wait a second. You're having a Peter concert. You can't say that.

I was like, no, no, no. Just say something else. They're like, oh, by the way.

I was like, well, how many gods are there? They're like, oh, there's only one. And then I was like, well, you're sure about that, right? And they're like, yeah, yeah. And I was like, well, what would happen if there was more than one god? Well, I had one of my kids.

I said, if they did that, everything would get messed up, like the whole heavens and earth would become, like the heavens and everything would become messed up. But it wasn't because he knew the verse. That was just his natural response, right? So they have these conversations.

But then, you guys, when you talk about Valentine's Day, you know there's the Halloween from up there, right? And you've got to talk about Halloween. So your kid goes up. And I said to him, I said, do you think Halloween's bad? He goes, yeah.

I was like, do you really think it's bad? He goes, yeah. I was like, no, what do you really think? He goes, it's not bad. That's not bad.

That's not bad. I was like, so. And he goes, hold on.

Pause on the story. That's where a lot of us, some of us are in our 20s. Some of us are in our 30s.

And that's still a conversation happening with religion. Like, we seem to have to say the right answers, or we're going to get in trouble. And so we have to ask critical questions that are actually feeding us from growing spiritually.

Because we're still in the eight-year-old's mind that got screamed at because they're asking. No, seriously, I'm not trying to be funny. It's real.

That stuff's real. Childhood trauma around spirituality, it goes into people's adulthood. And it can really mess up people's relationship with themselves and their Lord.

So I said, well, why do you think Halloween's bad? Or what do you like about Halloween? He goes, I think it can be interesting enough. I was like, what if you can't even address the point of difference? That's fine. I said, well, what do you not like about Halloween? He said, I don't like all the gin stuff, the dark, you know? And it was just a conversation that we had.

Then my kids ended up going to an Islamic school. So then we went to Islamic schools. One time I was in Edmonton, Canada, and I went to this restaurant.

And on the wall, they had a menu written on the chalkboard. And one of the menu items was Islamic salmon. And I was like, wow.

It was a really robotic fish or something. So I asked the lady, hey, what's the Islamic salmon? She goes, it's just a spice mix. And I thought, well, you're not doing anything about it.

Unfortunately, a lot of things we call Islamic, it's just a mix. Because if they had not been given the blessing, they would not be able to show gratitude for the blessing that they had been given. So if they were rich and they were grateful, it's better than someone who had not received that blessing.

Others say no. The person who's poor and patient is better. And I understand why you want to understand, because it's kind of a false dichotomy.

The Story of As-Sayyad, The Fisherman

People fall on many different levels in between. But a poor person is patient, because all of the verses in the Quran that talk about patience and the virtue of patience. And the prophet said, oh, Allah, allow me to live amongst the poor and to die amongst the poor and to be raised with the poor.

(Sahih at-Tirmidhi Hadith 2352)

And he himself, (صلى الله عليه وسلم - sallallahu alayhi wa sallam), chose poverty over wealth, even though he was given that option. So they differ. Some of them say that if a person has wealth and they're grateful, then it's a lofty thing.

But the reality is that people get attached. You guys have heard the story about As-Sayyad, the fisherman. There was a man named As-Sayyad.

And he was a great sheikh. And he lived on a hut on the beach. Why do you think they called him a fisherman? All that he and the students ate was what? Fish.

And that was out of their absence. They wouldn't eat anything else. So he lived in a hut.

And all he ate was fish. And he said to his student, I'd like you to travel to such and such place and take this note and ask for so-and-so and say salam to him and ask him to pay for me. So the boy and the student travels several weeks' distance to go find this person.

He gets to the city. And he says, do you know where so-and-so lives? They said, yeah, he lives over there. And they pointed toward his big palace.

So the student was coming from where? A hut with his teacher. He says, why would my teacher be sitting here? And he goes and asks to come in. And they let him in.

And he comes in and sees this man sitting up on kind of a, it would have been like a crib. This is a pre- modern version of a crib. But he sees him sitting up on this kind of raised throne type thing with tapestries and all of these courtiers and servants everywhere.

And he's thinking, why would my teacher be asking for care from this guy? But he says, my teacher told me to do this. So I have to say it. So he says, my teacher so-and-so says salam to you.

And he asks you to make dua for him. He said, give me greetings of peace. And I should have prayed for him.

He said, alaikum wa alaikum salam. Upon you both be peace. He said, ask your teacher when you go back if his heart is still connected to the dunya.

Now, what would the student do? He doesn't know about all those other students. Sorry, can you repeat the second salam? He says, salhu. Hala izal qalbuhum wa ta'alikum bid dunya.

Ask him, your teacher, if his heart is still attached to the world. Now, what would the student do? You guys know about all those other students? 95% of the pop star community is created by who? All those other students? My shape's better. My shape's better than your shape.

My shape's better than your shape. You know the kids on the playground? My dad has a BB gun. My dad has a .22. My dad has a bazooka.

That's what people do. It's unfortunate with their minhaj, and their group, and their teacher, and shake banging, right? And gang banging. Allah save us from such pain.

They said, educate. If you're true in your relationship with your teacher, then you understand that your teacher is like a father or a mother, and then other people's teachers are like your aunties or your uncles. And so you're going to have to educate with your auntie and uncle, even a more formal level of educate with your auntie and uncle than you would with your father or mother because you have a deeper level of intimacy with your father or your mother.

So it wouldn't be bad, man, just to go to your cousin's house and talk about your dad. You go to your cousin's house and talk about your uncle. Man, your dad's a really good dude, man, unless you were trying to be selfish.

So what will the student think? He's thinking, how am I going to possibly tell my teacher this? And imagine he's got to travel all the way back to go to his teacher. The whole time he's thinking, if you've got to go to your shape, then you'll shape. You've still got room in your heart.

Like, how is he going to do this? So he travels all the way back, and he's thinking, oh my God, I'm going to say this. So he gets to the shape, and he says, did you find him? He says, yes. He says, what did he say? He said, he told you, he told you peace be upon you.

And then he says, and he told him to ask you if your heart is still connected to the world. And the shape wept. And he said, he said, he told him the truth.

Outwardly, he just has a hut, and they're eating fish, but he still saw himself as someone who was what? Attached. So some of us, when that story was told, we inserted ourselves on the tapestry cover throne with the servants. That's me.

I'm not attached. I'm the spiritual master who has everything anybody could possibly want. Five star premier access, top of the, but I'm not attached.

But the reality is, if we were intelligent, we would put ourselves in the shoes of the person who, even though he has a hut, he still sees himself as attached. Do you guys have attachment? Oh, look out, there's a stage space. Do you guys have attachment? You guys are late.

I didn't realize I was attached. I'm going to just be authentic. I didn't realize I was attached until last Ramadan.

I really stopped, like I really stopped because I was deluded into thinking like I had no attachment. Because generally, it would be easy for me to give something away where I didn't really care. But I have this mug, and I'm in a coffee.

The Mug Story

You've heard this story before. Has anybody heard my mug story before? So if this is true, it's a true story, right? So I have this one mug, and it was a really special mug. And I won't bore you with the details, but

let's just say it was a really special mug.

A friend of mine gifted me from Chicago, and the brand, the label, this particular roaster that I like. One of my teachers had visited from overseas, and he drank from the mug, and then it became a special mug that the chick drank from. I love mugs.

And it was usually at my office, and the team at Telif won't touch the mug because they know better, right? But somehow, in the divine infinite wisdom of God, the mug ended up in my home. And so, there was this young lady who had brought a convert in, who had just taken shahadah that week, had recently come with some, and they came in. It was after asr, the afternoon prayer, just a couple hours before sunset, and we were talking about this person's recent conversion.

And then I said, do you guys have time to break the fast? And they said, no, sir, just come over to my house. And so they said, okay, great. So we go to my house with this big, beautiful iftar. I'm with Ibaad, my wife has been cooking all day long, and Ibaad smiled because he's been, he's eaten my wife's food before, he just had to bathe and he was like, ugh. He ordered aloo kooja and goes back to Cali, right? You guys ever had aloo kooja before? I'm bathing myself. So, we get to the house, have iftar, it's tea time, we're drinking tea, and my wife says, can I talk to you for a minute? So she said, I gave the sister your mug.

And I was like, oh, cool. She's like, no, you need your mug. And I was like, what mug? She's like, the mug mug.

And I was like, no. I was like, no. She said she liked it.

And if you've never visited an Arab household, one thing you don't do, and this is, many Muslim cultures, but particularly in Arab culture, you don't tell Arabs you like something because they're supposed to give it to you, right? I told the brothers in the prison that when I worked there, as part of Muslim etiquette, you shouldn't say, oh, who does he like your hat? Otherwise, because you have to give it to you. So brothers walk up and they're like, hey, I'll have that jacket. And I realized it would be a felony for me to give them my jacket.

A felony. Not like, because then they could escape or whatever. So it was like this ongoing joke. But she said she liked it. I was like, no. I don't care.

I was like, she can't have the mug. I was so, so agitated. I actually got up and went in the back room and had this little self-inventory moment.

I was like, oh my gosh, she's going to take my mug. Take the car, take a couple of the kids. I was like, what? You can't take my mug.

Huh? I'm serious. You guys are laughing at me. I'm serious.

Spirituality and Good Manners

So being a just leader. Spirituality for some of us is simply going to mean ethical standards. And I think this is one of the problems when we talk about spirituality.

Sometimes we want to make it a flowery, fluffy kind of incense burning floating in mid-air. How do candles in the room think? But what does spirituality really mean? The people of our path, the people of our tradition say, somebody who has increased you in good manners has increased you in spirituality. Are you all listening? Are you all listening? Someone who has increased you in good manners has increased you in spirituality.

So those timeless, age-old, beautiful, intergenerationally connected, good character, ways of being that we've learned from our parents and from our aunties and uncles, don't think about spirituality and divorce it from that. I think about a friend of mine who was at the home of an auntie, and she was Afghani and he was Afghani. And he accidentally gave her his back.

And he said to her, Khala jaan, auntie, my dear auntie, I'm sorry for giving you my back. And she said, my chan, my son, a rose does not have a front or a back. The Prophet said, I was sent to perfect what? No.

(Al-Adab al-Mufrad by Imam al-Bukhari Hadith 273)

No character. So you think about spirituality. Spirituality can be something similar to really good manners.

I mean, what is it, what makes it people say, I don't even want to give somebody my back. And if I do, the auntie's going to say, my son, you're a rose, you don't have a front or a back. One of y'all are going to use that in the line of titles of the house.

You'll be like, no, you don't have a front or a back. She's like, what? What are you talking about? Leave me alone, you're weaker. You're like a rose.

May Allah help us. He said, whoever increases you in good manners increases you in what? Spirituality. I have this teacher named Zaid Shaker, may Allah preserve him.

We're in, you know, you mentioned righteous people, mercy to them. And I've, by the grace of God, rolled with him. I've met him in a lot of different situations.

And he's somebody who I actually, I estimate to be a very righteous person. And Allah knows best about who's really righteous. You know, most days, and he badmouthes this, for how many years we were studying with him, more days he was fasting than he wasn't.

We're all like planning out our mid-morning snack and afternoon meal. You know what I'm saying? When it comes, he's like, no, thank you. And you're like, you're fasting? It's Tuesday in Rabi-ul-Islam.

You're like, you're fasting? I'm fasting. My what? No, no, no, no, literally. Reading Qur'an, if you buy him something, he's going to be reading Qur'an and doing dhikr, may Allah preserve him.

He's not here, so this isn't like, you shouldn't praise people. He's not here. So don't worry about that.

And don't, like, treat him, don't. But you know, one of my most profound lessons ever was from Imam Hussain. Who can think? I was like, oh, we were, we were sitting by the Kaaba, and the door opened.

No, we were in Islam. And I was his shadow. No, listen to me.

A Lesson in True Spirituality

I was his shadow. And I'm supposed to be his security, which is the most asinine suggestion in the world, that I'm Imam Hussain's security, like Imam Hussain put in front of you. But I'm supposed to be his security, and so he needs to read those wudu, and we go into the bathroom, he said, can you hold my jacket? I said, sure, so I held his jacket, he came out, and then he's making wudu.

And if you've never watched a scholar make wudu, you should watch a scholar make wudu. Some of us have never seen a scholar make wudu. And sometimes if you do, you'll see, oh, I haven't been doing it right my whole life.

No, seriously. To watch a scholar make wudu. And it's not necessarily that it takes longer, but that they do it well.

So he made wudu. That was the lesson, right? No, absolutely not. After he made wudu, he spent about three times as much time that it took him to make wudu and then I go to the restroom wiping the floor and the bathroom in the convention center in Isfahan.

And I'm sitting there holding his jacket, going, what are you doing, dude? Like, I'm thinking, what are you doing? And he's waxing on and waxing off on the floor. And I'm thinking to myself, what are you doing? And without me saying anything, he said, I don't want the poor Mexican workers that are being paid minimum wage to come into these bathrooms and say, look what these Muslims did. That's spirituality.

That's spirituality. As a convert to Islam, coming from an African-American man, when he said to me, you Muslims should be glad that you can take your hats off. I said, what do you mean? He said, because black folks can't change the color of their skin.

In other words, what? The struggle that Muslims are going through is, well, we can kind of fit in and whatever, you know, we can adjust. But there we are standing as a community on the shoulder of people who literally gave their lives for us to even have the freedoms that we enjoy today. And a lot of us don't even know about that history.

A lot of us don't even know. I won't ask for a show of hands. Plus, we're an Ivy League group, so it might be surprising to me.

But how many of us have read Roots? How many of us have read the autobiography of Malcolm X? How many of us have read The Song of the Black American? I actually want to see your hand. How many of

you guys have read The Song of the Black American by Jackson? Raise your hand.

Your hand is the piece of flesh attached to the end of your arm.

Raise your hand if you read The Song of the Black American by Dr. Jackson. Somebody out there, raise your hand. I said, raise your hand.

Yeah, so like, because you hear that, you're like, they even raised this hand. The Song of the Black American. Dave, why didn't you read it? Huh? You thought you were going to be black if you read it, huh? Huh? Because it spoke to American realities that transcended just the specifics of the African American community that affected me as an American as well.

Absolutely. So like Roots, Alex Hayden, the autobiography of Malcolm X, The Song of the Black American, and a number of others. We're just understanding the historical legacy of where we come from.

You know, to not think that like, okay, fine, you come from a privileged background or you're headed toward privilege. That doesn't mean that you're not standing on other people's shoulders historically. And also, the uncles and aunties that we harp on all the time and we're so upset with and we're so, we're so, you know, we pick on the kids, we feel a certain way, the misogyny.

Understanding Our Elders

Well, why don't you try moving to a country where you don't speak the language and driving a taxi and, you know, sharing a pack of noodles with your family and not complaining and then putting your kid into a really, really good upper echelon and learning institution for money that you've been saving your life and not complaining and foregoing some of your personal wins and passions so your kids can have a good life. You might be a little grumpy too. So, of course, I remember he gave a khutbah at the masjid one time and this uncle came up to me and said to me, He said, I said, like me? I said, why not? He said, He said, because you speak so fast and it's all English.

I was like, He goes, I said, forgive me. I was like, no, really, just forgive me. And I was like, uncle, I'm really sorry.

You know, I'm American. I'm learning Arabic. I'm sorry.

Forgive me, uncle. I said, no, uncle, don't leave the masjid. You can't leave the masjid until you forgive me.

He goes, I forgive you. Right? So then he goes, you're American? I go, yeah, you speak Arabic. He goes, oh, my God.

He goes, his wife goes, come here, come here, come here. She goes, hello, me. It's kind of our issue.

He goes, she's American. She gave me chocolates. And remember, for every angry, grumpy uncle that you've met, remember the beautiful, loving, shining face, generous, caring ones that you, that you told

me you don't like to think about them.

There's this uncle who they've got a masjid right next door to Ta'if. His name's Yahya. He's a, he's a doctor and he's the president of the board there.

And so we're like, you know, we have an intrafaith kind of, you know, relationships and we have a collaborative relationship. So you're always afraid when they come to the door, because there's going to be some big request to do something. And this one Eid, I just felt horrible.

I don't know what it was. I had a bad morning. I was grumpy.

I was sad. I was just upset. And I'm in my office after Eid, and the uncle comes to the door.

And I look up, bad opinion. I'm thinking, oh, what's he going to ask me for? And I walk up to the door, open, he goes, (السَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ - salamu alaykum). I said, (وَعَلَيْكُمُ السَّلَامُ - walaikum salam).

Because you guys know Muslims call. You say, (السَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ - salamu alaykum). He's saying, well, what do you want? You're waiting for that moment.

He gives me a big old hug, and turn around and walk away. I was like, he just walked away. And wallahi, I didn't have a fear or worry, just because of the beautiful hug that he gave me.

So remember the good. Don't just remember the bad. Am I over? I'm over? You can wrap up.

We want Q&A, right? Q&A? Sure. I'll tell you one more story. It's one of my favorite things that ever happened to me.

The Libyan Uncle Story

I'll tell you one more really short story. I was walking in the Prophet's Mosque in Medina. (اللَّهُمَّ صَلِّ عَلَى مُحَمَّدٍ وَعَلَى آلِ مُحَمَّدٍ - Allahumma salli alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh).

And I had a young man with me, Umar Sadin. His father was Ayyubi and his mother is Afghani. And at the time, he was 18 years old.

He was somewhere between a suburban kid and a gangster. And he had a big old ring on his car. He had a big old chain around his neck.

That was a cop, believe it or not. He's a cop. He's a Muslim cop.

Which means everyone was trying to get the traffic ticket sign off. So we're walking to the masjid of the Prophet's Ashram. It was in Shabab just before Ramadan.

And as we're walking up, this uncle came up to me. And he was about 8 tall. And I knew he was Libyan because of his vest and his hat.

And I had a special place in my heart for Libyans ever since Back to the Future. Some people got that. Who else? The Libyans! Some of my best friends in the world are Libyan.

And so he walks up to me and says in Arabic. He says, I'm from Libya. He said, you're from Libya? And I'm thinking, you guys people don't know where you're really from.

Where are your parents from? Where are their parents from? And then, they're like, you're not white. All the way. And I said, no, no.

You've got to explain. Your dad's black and your mom's white. And they're like, but you speak Arabic.

You're like, say walahi. And one time I was in a meeting and this guy said, you said you're from Tunisia or Algeria. I said, I'm American.

He said, walahi, you're not American. Yeah, I've been faxed three days. So I'm thinking it's going to be one of those moments where what? It's going to be to where are you really from? Where's your dad from? So he says, in Arabic, I said, I'm American.

He says, I'm going to give a spray gun to you. He said, America's not that far from Libya, right? And I was like, where did you get that super power? It was just like this instant, visceral beauty that he shared. Like squash all beef.

And then he says, why don't you let your uncle buy you breakfast before you go to the masjid? Never met him before. And I think, subhanAllah, that changed my uncle, didn't it? Didn't it?

What was it that changed him? Having that human experience with people, right? So the point I'm making is get beyond some of the real pain that we men have. And realize that you're going to be an uncle and an auntie to other people's kids.

You're going to be uncles and aunties to my children. That's real. So what kind of uncles and aunties are you going to be? And are we going to take this project, Islam in America, seriously and give it everything that we've got and give back from our time and our money? May Allah make it easy for you.

Closing Dua

Allah knows that every single one of us in this room has a different path and a unique path and a specific path. It's going to be different from everyone else in this room. So I pray Allah, the one who knows all of that and knows that which we do not know, that he bless all of us in all of that.

And make it easy for us. And I pray to Allah, increase all of you to make you lights and make you means of guidance and make you means of mercy. Give you knowledge and action.

Give you big hearts. And give you deep, deep, deep connection to him and his Prophet, (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّم - salallahu alayhi wa sallam).

We've gathered here as people who testify and believe in your oneness and your reality and your omnipresent providence, Ya Rabbana Amin, and believe in you, Allahumma, as God, and you, Allahumma, as real, and you, Allahumma, as our Lord.

We complain to you, Allah, all of our confusion and all of our weariness and our broken spirit, Ya Arham al-Rahimeen, but our lowliness and our weakness is exposed before you, Ya Arham al-Rahimeen. Our state is not hidden from you. And this is our lowliness before you, Ya Arham al-Rahimeen.