The Role of Fathers

The Role of Fathers

Opening Recitation

Inshallah, we're going to start our program with some recitation of the Qur'an. So, if I can invite Ustad Abu Huraira to come and recite some verses from the Qur'an.

A Lesson from Abdul Wahab al-Sha'rani

So, there's a great story that exemplifies this aspiration of all fathers for our children to be successful from one of the great scholars of Egypt. He lived some years ago, Abdul Wahab al-Sha'rani. And there's actually a gate in Al-Qahira called Bab al-Sha'rani, named after him. And he's buried close to that place.

And he was one of the most prolific scholars of the Shafi'i Madhab in his day. That's why he's called Ra'is al-Shafi'iyyah. He's called the head of the Shafi'i Madhab in his time. He was a great scholar. He wrote Tabaqat al-Shafi'iyyah. He wrote a number of incredible books.

The Scholar's Lament About His Son

And, you know, in his memoirs, he talks about his son. And he laments about how his son is really not inclined to scholarship as his father was. And he mentions, you know, I wish that my son would have followed in my path. And I wish my son would be like I am because I am, you know, I am Shaykh al-Islam. I am this Mufti. I am this great scholar. I am this. I am that. I am this. I am that.

Realizing the Problem Was "I"

And then he finally, in his memoirs, he writes later on, you know, that was the problem. The problem was I. You know, in World War I, there was an essay contest. Who can successfully propose a way to solve the world's problems in an essay? You know, in like 400-word essay. So this man, I believe he was from Scandinavia, he won it. And his answer was I am. That was the answer, I am, like I'm the solution, there's no need for anything else, it's just I am, I am responsible, that won the essay contest. But Muslims were a little different, like I am bi-idhnillah, you know.

And Sha'rani, he said, I realized that the problem was me, (كُنْتُ أَتَوَكَّلُ عَلَى نَفْسِي وَمَا تَوَكَّلْتُ عَلَى رَبِّي - I was relying on myself and I did not rely on my Lord). He said, you know, I was relying on myself, like I'm a shaykh, I'm a scholar, I'm this, you know, so my son should be like this. So he said, I remember the statement of Allah, the Surah of Ghafir (أُفَوِّضُ أَمْرِي إِلَى اللَّهِ - Quran 40:44). You know, I surrender my affairs to Allah قَالَ فَوَّضْتُ أَمْرِي إِلَى رَبِّي so I left everything to Allah.

And then, after some time, his son, he became a great scholar. One of the narrations said he came home, maybe this is a little bit of embellishment, fictitious embellishment to make the story sound good, but you find in some

of the texts that he came home and he found his son studying. And from that point onwards, his son became, you know, a great scholar himself.

Trust in Allah, Not Lineage

So not to trust in our family, oh we're from Muslim countries, we have Muslim families, your father, your grandfather was a buzurg sahib, you know, your great great grandfather was a Mawlana, this doesn't mean anything. (فَلَمْ يُغْنِ عَنْهُمَا مِنَ اللَّهِ شَيْئًا - Quran 66:10). Allah said about the wives of Prophet Nuh and Prophet Lut, it didn't help them, right? An-nasab wal-qarabah la yughni shakhsan, lineage doesn't help anybody, but what helps us is to trust in Allah.

Even the Prophet Relied on Allah's Mercy

When the sahaba asked the Prophet after he said (لَنْ يُدْخِلَ أَحَدٌ الْجَنَّةَ - Sahih Muslim 2816), none of you will enter jannah bi amalihi, wa la anta ya Rasulallah. No one will enter jannah based on their deeds, even you, oh messenger of Allah. So we see the Prophet's response, even me, unless Allah has mercy upon me. So his trust is in Allah, although he has this professional success.

Spending Quality Time With Our Children

The next is that we should spend time with our children. You know, studies show that children do better in school, they do better in life when fathers are active participants in their lives.

The Difference Between Presence and Being Around

What I mean by spending time is not like I'm at home watching PTV and my kids are playing around. I'm spending time with my kids, watching the news. Or I take them to the park and I'm busy, you know, with my phone, and my kids are playing. Baba, Baba, just one minute, I'm just going to check the cricket scores real quick. Right, that's not spending time with my children, that is being around. But presence is very different, and the best example I can give you is khushu'.

The Example of Khushu'

You know, someone can pray, someone can stand and pray, but they're not in prayer. You know, someone can stand and pray and think about stocks, think about retirement, you know, think about the car getting fixed, where am I going to get my edge up done, the new Samsung phone, you name it, right. So they're in salah, but without khushu', without concentration.

So the same way, I can be with my kids, but there's no khushu'. Some people told me, this is impossible, especially us as men, you know men how we are, right. So I said to them, no, every day actually we have khushu', we just don't realize it. So brothers asked me how, I said, have you ever been in a situation where your wife is yelling at you and you heard nothing? That's why all of you are laughing, because you know it's true,

right, your wife could be like right here, just barking things at you, right, telling you to do things, and you're just like, and then she'll say to you, did you hear a word I said, were you listening? That's khushu'.

So when you read like stories of tabi'in, they were praying and like walls would fall and they didn't notice, it happened, because we do it all the time, every day. Same thing with our kids, our kids could have told us like a hundred things and we didn't hear anything, and they're right there in front of us, because we have khushu' in something else, right, and you know what we say, you have khushu' in what you love and what you value.

The Prophet's Example of Complete Presence

So it's about presence, so if we look at the Qur'an, we look at, we see Sayyidina Anas, he's invested in his son. Sayyidina Anas said, Rasul Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam never spoke to us except he looked at us straight in our face, and we never spoke to him except he paid attention to us. You felt, Sayyidina Ali said, you felt that you were the most beloved person to him, whoever you were.

Amr ibn al-As and His Misunderstanding

And that's why Amr ibn al-As, he got confused in Sahih Muslim, and he comes to the Prophet because he actually thinks like the Prophet loves him the most, because how the Prophet invests in people when they're with him. Sayyidina Amr ibn al-As he said, you know I went to him and I said (أَيُّ النَّاسِ أَحَبُّ إِلَيْكَ - Sahih Muslim 2384), who do you love the most, because he thought it was him, and he said (عَائِشَةُ - Aisha). So then Amr ibn al-As he was upset like, so then he said to himوَمِنَ الرِّجَالِ,but what about the men, like hey I still don't know what about the men, Rasul Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam said,أَبُوهَا her father, but the point is he thought because of how the Prophet would invest himself with everyone who spoke to him, everyone who engaged him, that he was the most beloved to the Messenger of Allah.

A Lesson About Being Fully Present

So the Prophet Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam is present in relationships, completely present, not just physically present. Once we were in Egypt in Al-Azhar, in our class in Usul al-Fiqh, we had this professor, he's really funny, he's like, he could be a comedian, his name was Sa'd Jawish, Sa'd Zaydan, and it was a massive class of people man, like 500 people in the classroom, and he was explaining this thing in Usul al-Fiqh, it's really difficult to understand, and he said, hey hey hey, there's this kid in the front from Indonesia, he said, أَنْتَ مِنْ فَيْنَ in Egyptian, like where are you from? He said, I'm from Indonesia, he said really, let me ask you a question, he said, your body is where? He said, in Cairo, in Cairo, he said, وَعَقْلُكَ فَيْنَ that your mind is where, he said Jakarta, my mind is in Jakarta. So the shaykh, he said, in Usul al-Fiqh وَالْجَمْعُ وَاجِبٌ مَا أَمْكَنَ in Usul al-Fiqh, you have to make two things work together, so please, bring your mind and your body here.

Same thing as fathers, when we're with our boys, with our daughters, we should ask ourselves, my body's here, but where's my heart, where's my mind, where's my soul? They'll feel it, wallahi they will feel it, if we're not present.

Living as an Example of Obedience to Allah

The last two things, and we'll stop insha'Allah ta'ala, is that we, as fathers, we have to make sure that we live an example of obedience to Allah. Islamic schools are salt on the food, right, madrasahs, Mawlana Sahib, teaching Quran, Abu Huraira teaching my kid, I've been teaching my kid, that's not, that's not the, how should I say it, you know, that's not, that's the chutney, that's not the biryani, that's chutney.

Parents Are the Foundation

You don't, you don't put chutney all over your food, right, you just don't dump chutney all over the food, but you put it sparingly. So, the teachers, the Islamic educators, all of these programs, weekend courses, هَذَا مِلْحٌ عَلَى الطَّعَامِ it's salt on the food, but the crux of the matter is you, and your family, and how you live your life. That's why Allah said, (يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا قُوا أَنفُسَكُمْ وَأَهْلِيكُمْ نَارًا - Quran 66:6). O you who believe, save yourself and your family from the hellfire.

And Allah said to the Prophet (يَا أَيُّهَا النَّبِيُّ قُل لِأَزْوَاجِكَ وَبَنَاتِكَ - Quran (3:59) Prophet, say it to your wives and your daughters and then to the rest of the believers.

Commanding Prayer Begins at Home

So, Shaykh al-Sabuni, he said that Allah began with the Prophet's family, and his responsibility to be an example. Allah said, (وَأْمُرْ أَهْلَكَ بِالصَّلَاةِ وَاصْطَبِرْ عَلَيْهَا ۖ لَا نَسْأَلُكَ رِزْقًا نَّحْنُ نَرْزُقُكَ - Quran) 20:132). Allah said in Surah Ta-Ha, you know, order your families to pray. Meaning, be an example of the person who prays, and who lives a righteous life.

We Are the Living Tafsir for Our Children

Once I was in a city, and this girl, she's in America, this girl, she raised her hand. She said, Is it halal to backbite? I said لَا حَوْلَ وَلَا قُوَّةَ إِلَّا بِاللهِ what kind of question is it halal to backbite, ya'ni? I've never heard this question before, it's like, is it halal to make shirk? You know, like you don't hear this kind of question. You know, is it halal to hit people? So, I said to her, I need to talk to you after the khutbah.

A Shocking Story About Parental Example

So, after the lecture, she came up to me and I said, you know, why would you ask me if it's halal to backbite? She said, well, I see my father all the time talking about people. And my mom, every time she's on the phone, if she's not watching one of those 18 hour long movies, she's talking about somebody on the phone to her friends. So, I thought it's halal because my parents do it.

Parents as Interpreters of Faith

Because you are, whether you know it or not, and I am, whether we know it or not, we are مُفَسِّرُ كِتَابِ اللَّهِ لِأَوْلَادِنَا وَمُفَسِّرُ سُنَّةِ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ )interpreters of Allah's Book for our children and interpreters of the Sunnah of the Messenger

of Allah). We are the tafsir of Qur'an and sunnah to our kids. I don't care if you say, I'm not an imam, I'm not a mawlana, it doesn't matter. To your children and to my children, we are mufassirs. We are ،مُفَسِّيِّرُ الدِّينِ، مُفَسِّرُ الدُّنْيَا مُفَسِّرُ الْآخِرَةِ )interpreters of the religion, interpreters of the worldly life, interpreters of the hereafter(.

We are those who explain everything they see through a model. And that's why the Prophet, if you divide his sunnah, you see that the most in number is amali, it's not qawli, are his actions. And that's why honesty and being forthright with our children has barakah.

The Honesty of Imam al-Dhahabi

Imam al-Dhahabi, he's one of the great scholars of hadith. Imam al-Dhahabi, his son, his son's name was Abu Hurayrah. You know, he named his son Abu Hurayrah. And in Lisan al-Mizan, his book of Rijal, he comes to his son, Abu Hurayrah ibn al-Dhahabi. And you know, he has to say, is he authentic, is he weak, is he this, is he this. So he says, my son is da'if because he forgets a lot. Like he's honest. He said he's lazy and he forgets a lot. Like there's honesty there. There's not like, so he lives an example for his son to follow.

Truth Can Be Bitter

It's harsh. Sometimes the truth is bitter. Sometimes the truth doesn't taste great. It's not like Kashmiri tea. Sometimes it's like Egyptian tea, right. It just doesn't go as sweet as you would like it.

Engaging Our Children as Advisors, Not Just Supervisors

The last point is that we should engage our children. Oftentimes as parents, we think we are supervisors, where we should be advisors. There's a difference between a supervisorمُسَيْطِ and advisorنَاصِح

The Prophet Was an Advisor, Not a Supervisor

Allah said to the Prophet أَسْتَ عَلَيْهِم بِمُصَيْطِرٍ )Quran 8:22) You're not a supervisor. But then إِنَّ لَكُمْ لَنَاصِحٌ أَمِينٌ . I'm a sincere advisor. الدِّينُ النَّصِيحَةُ )Sahih Muslim 55). Religion is advice.

So that means that we should also be good listeners, you know. We shouldn't just be barking orders at our kids, but we should actually cause them to think and explore and engage. Allah said to the Prophet وَشَاوِرْهُمْ فِي الْأَمْرِ )Quran 3:159). Take shura with them. Even though the Prophet is ma'sum وَاللَّهُ يَعْصِمُكَ مِنَ النَّاسِ )Quran )567( Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

The Example of Prophet Ibrahim With His Son

And Allah through the example of Sayyidina Ibrahim. Who sees in his dream that he's going to slaughter his son. فَانظُرْ مَاذَا تَرَى )Quran 37:02) And he asked him, what are your thoughts about this? You know, he didn't come home and say, Khalas, meet me out back. Sharpen the knives. It's time to go. Laفَانظُرْ مَاذَا تَرَى . Because this wasn't wahy, because he saw this dream in his sleep and we believe that the dreams the Prophets see in their sleep is not wahy, only the visions they see while they're awake.

So he goes to his son فَانظُرْ مَاذَا تَرَى قَالَ يَا أَبَتِ افْعَلْ مَا تُؤْمَرُ )Quran 37:102). Right, yeah, he engages his son. What do you think about it? What are your thoughts on it?

Encouraging Children to Share Their Thoughts

Sometimes culturally it's considered disrespectful or a shame for our children to talk with us, to share with us, or to correct us even. But it's not the case in Islam. Because every heart speaks by the inspiration of Allah.

Every word, every moment, perhaps this ayah min ayatillah that we can benefit نَقْتَبِسُ مِنْهَا We can take the good from.

The Companions Consulted Their Children

So we find that, you know, Sayyidina Umar, he used to ask his sons their opinions. Sayyidina Uthman used to ask his children their opinions on things. Sayyidina Rasulullah used to talk to the children and encourage them. Imam al-Zuhri radiallahu anhu, the great scholar of hadith and the mufti, and the shaykh of Imam Malik used to come to Medina and he would ask young people, what do you think about these things? What are your thoughts on these things? He would engage them.

Closing Du'a

نُثَبِّتُكُمْ وَأَنْتُمْ عَلَى الْحَقِّ إِنْ شَاءَ اللهُ وَإِيَّاكُمْ الْحَقَّ كَمَا نَسْأَلُهُ يَحْفَظُ أَوْلَادَنَا وَيُنَوِّرُ قُلُوبَنَا. جَزَاكُمُ اللهُ خَيْرًا . أَقُولُ قَوْلِي هَذَا أَسْتَغْفِرُ So we ask Allah اللَّهَ لِي وَلَكُمْ فَاسْتَغْفِرُوا

Humanitarian Appeal for Syria

Finally, we say, you know, that we have human appeal and another job of parents is to help parents who are struggling with their parenthood. And the Prophet said, الْمُسْلِمُ لِلْمُسْلِمِ كَالْبُنْيَانِ يَشُدُّ بَعْضُهُ بَعْضًا )Sahih Bukhari 2446, Sahih Muslim 2585). We are like a building that helps each other.

So now in Syria, you know, we're talking about imagine the horror of a parent just knowing that your children don't have food or clothing, that you don't know where they're going to live or sleep the next night. So I would like to encourage you to help human appeal as much as you can.

Thank you for your wonderful invitation to your community. We look forward to visiting you again insha'Allah جَزَاكُمُ اللَّهُ خَيْرًا وَصَلَّى اللهُ عَلَى سَيِّدِنَا مُحَمَّدٍ وَعَلَى آلِهِ وَصَحْبِهِ وَسَلَّمَ. وَالسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ .in the future