Building Self Esteem Within The Muslim Youth Community

Building Self-Esteem Within The Muslim Youth Community

Opening and Introduction

In the name of Allah, the Most Merciful, the Most Compassionate. As-salāmu alaykum wa-rahmatu Llāhi wa-barakātuh.

Allahumma salli 'ala sayyidina Muhammadin wa 'ala ali sayyidina Muhammadin, an-nabiyyi al-ummiyyi wa 'ala alihi wa sahbihi wa sallim tasliman kathira.

I'd like to give some blessings to our beloved Messenger, our Prophet, our savior. May peace and blessings be upon him, his family, his companions, and those who follow him until the Day of Judgment.

How's everybody doing this afternoon? It's great to be with you all. It is an honor to see so many familiar faces and friends, and to meet my elders and attendees, as well as to speak amongst such illustrious luminaries, these beautiful Imams. May Allah bless all of them, insha'Allah.

Background and Approach to the Topic

I've been asked to talk about building self-esteem, and I'm not a trained clinician, I'm not someone that has a background in the topic, so I'm going to try to strictly address it from my training, which is two areas. One is in education - I have a degree in education — and then number two is, of course, from a religious component, which I studied for 17 years. And then also, in the school of conscience, which you can sign up for if you go to abuaminaelias.com, insha'Allah, I actually have a section on advice to parents, and one of these sections is how to build religious self-esteem amongst young Muslims, insha'Allah. And I consider myself somewhat of an expert in parenting in progress. I have three kids. I just had a baby girl, insha'Allah, seven weeks ago, so I'm going to be leaving as soon as I can to look at her beautiful face, insha'Allah.

Two Types of Self-Esteem in Islamic Framework

I think it's important to note that there are two types of self-esteem mentioned in the Qur'an. This is highlighted by Imam al-Ghazali, may Allah have mercy on him, in his work Ihya Ulum ad-Din, where he says something very beautiful. He says that all character within the paradigm of Islam, except for faith and disbelief, should be balanced.

So like generosity, right? Generosity is something commendable, but the Qur'an says that people who spend more than they have are actually the brothers of Satan. And Sheikh Faraz talked about this kind of balance. Love is something commendable. There are some people who love things that could be bad—they love other

than Allah, right? So that's a bad kind of love. There's the love of Allah and there's the love of things which are not good for us.

So it's also important that we frame religious self-esteem between the kibr (arrogance) that the Qur'an and the Sunnah warn us all about. We need to understand that there is a problematic type of narcissistic self-esteem, which is something we have a problem with, and then there is the basic foundational self-esteem which allows us to love ourselves and care for ourselves in a way which we are then able to be fully functioning people, and to fulfill some of our goals and aspirations.

So within the paradigm, we have al-'izzah al-mahmudah (العزة المحمودة) - praiseworthy self-esteem, and al-'izzah al-madhmumah (العزة المذمومة) - blameworthy self-esteem. Self-esteem which is praiseworthy, self-esteem which is problematic.

That's why the Qur'an says:

"Wa lillahil 'izzatu wa lirasulihi wa lilmu'mineen" - "And to Allah belongs all honor, and to His Messenger, and to the believers." (Quran 63:8)

So that's a commendable form of self-esteem, because sometimes people tell us, you know, you're arrogant, you're cocky, you're too confident, right? Actually, that's not the case. Then on the other side, Allah talks about those who:

"Yattakhidhuna min dunillahi andadan liyata'azzazu bihim" - They take others besides Allah as equals so that they can achieve honor through them. (Reference to Quran, similar concept in 19:81-82)

Allah mentions that there are people who take and associate partners with God so that they can achieve value, so that they can achieve self-worth. That's the negative form. So what we want to talk about is the healthy form of religious self-esteem, and I'm going to address that in a few ways, and I'm not going to take a lot of your time.

The Crisis Among Muslim Youth

Recently, I was teaching a class to some people. I teach a course that's open to the public at NYU, coming about every Tuesday night, and I asked the group of students there, "How many of you feel that you're good Muslims?" And one person raised their hand. Then I asked them, "How many of you feel that you have an intimate relationship with Allah, and that you have experienced the love of Allah in your life?" And no one raised their hand. That is extremely concerning, because what that tells me is that people are not finding agency and hope through their religion. They're not finding the ability to become.

Allah says in the Qur'an about the Sahaba:

"Wadhkuru idh antum qalilun mustad'afuna fil-ardi takhaafuna an yatakhattafakumun-naasu fa-awakum wa ayyadakum binasrih" - "And remember when you were few and oppressed in the land, fearing that people might abduct you, but He sheltered you and supported you with His victory." (Quran 8:26)

The Sahaba grew over time, right? They grew, they developed. They were weak, and they were oppressed, but Allah supported them and raised them, and they found psychological and emotional and spiritual and social agency through the hope they had in Allah. So let's talk about what are some of the things that we should be looking for in our lives religiously that may be impacting our sense of self-esteem.

Self-esteem means that I care for myself, I value myself. We're talking about good self-esteem in a way that allows me and inspires me to become a person that I imagine for myself in the realm of pleasing my Lord.

Internal Challenge #1: Toxic Parents and Family

So first there are going to be internal challenges. And the first one that I've seen that needs to be addressed is parents who are overly abusive toward their children. When I talk to someone and they tell me that their mother called them stupid. When I talk to someone and they are told by their parents that they wish they never had them. When I talk to someone and they have been told for 17 years by their mother that Allah hates you. There's a problem that's going to inhibit that person's ability to gain self-esteem.

So the first thing—you have to be really honest—do you have toxic parents in your life? And nobody wants to talk about this, because what we tend to do at conventions is talk about everything except what needs to be talked about. And we feel good, we go home. And of course not just conventions, masha'Allah.

We go home, we go to masajid, we're going to hear some lecture. We're going to hear about things you should achieve in your life, we're going to hear about how to get closer to Allah. And that's good. And that's what my teacher, Shaykh Muhammad Mitwalli ash-Sha'rawi, may Allah have mercy on him, he said to me, for anyone to truly achieve themselves, they need to assess two issues: the internal resources within them, and the external resources in society. And oftentimes they work together.

The Importance of Parental Encouragement

So the first is, this conversation should be had with parents. Are you inspiring your children? Are you someone who's inspiring hope in Allah? Are you someone who's telling your daughter, you're going to serve Allah? Are you someone who's telling your son, masha'Allah, you're going to be someone, masha'Allah, who will make a difference in the world?

Look at some of our great luminaries today. Look at Shaykh Muhammad Ilyas, may Allah have mercy on him. You know, when he was a young man in India, he was very sickly, he was a sick child. He was very thin, he was

very weak. I'm not from Jama'at at-Tabligh, but I take good wherever it comes from. This tribalistic view of Islamic groups is destroying so many people.

But I read Shaykh Ilyas's biography and I was moved that even though he was a young boy and he was sick, his grandmother used to come—she used to make du'a before Fajr every day. And she would see him, you know, playing and no one else wanted to play with him because he was weak and frail.

And he used to be very sad and despondent. And she would say to him, "What's wrong with you?" And he would say, "You know, nobody wants to play with me, nobody's my friend." And she said, "By Allah, when I see you, I smell the fragrance of Jannah. By Allah, when I see you, I smell the perfume of the Sahaba."

Navigating Toxic Family Relationships

Then she told him, as he became older, he went on to do great things. And that takes us to the second thing. So if there are toxic parents in our life—I converted to Islam, basically when you convert to Islam the first few years—I was 19 years old, right? You're going to have some serious problems in this period. Like there's problems when you convert to Islam, usually immediately with your parents.

My parents would begin to question my sexuality. They're like, "Why aren't you dating? Why don't girls call you?" Right? They'd begin to question my sexuality. They're like, "Are you sure you don't want to drink? You know, how about alcohol?" Right? And I had to slowly grow my faith in the face of toxicity, if you will.

When I memorized the Qur'an, I memorized the Qur'an in two years. I remember I came home, there was no party. My mom was like, "What happened today?" I was like, "Oh yeah, I memorized the Qur'an." She was watching Oprah, that's why I know this story so well. She goes, "Another one?" And she says to me, "Oh, that's so cool. Let's go cook dinner."

So, how do you navigate toxic parents? Number one is, you need to communicate with them. And that's hard, but you've got to find that voice to say, "You're hurting me." And I know that's tough. That's not disobedience to your parents. That's not disrespect. That is not something that is against the law. I say this as a Muslim scholar, alhamdulillah. Abusing someone physically, emotionally, or sexually does not demand silence. That's not obedience to Allah.

"You're hurting me. You're hurting my future. You're projecting your own pain into the vessel that is your child. And I love you, and I want to love you, but this is going to mess us up." That's a very important conversation to have.

Look at Sayyidina Ibrahim, peace be upon him. Although it was Revelation, he still asks his son:

"Qala ya bunayya inni ara fil-manami anni adhbahuka fanthur madha tara" - "He said, 'O my son, I have seen in a dream that I sacrifice you, so what do you think?'" (Quran 37:102)

He engages his child. When Abu Bakr, may Allah be pleased with him, said to his father, "I wish I would have raised this opinion that you have to the Prophet," referring to his father's wisdom during a critical moment, the Prophet didn't say to him, "Be quiet, you don't know what you're talking about." He said:

"Law kana ra'yu abika ahabbu ilayya min ra'yi" - "The opinion of your father would be more beloved to me than my own opinion."

And sometimes the moment of healthy self-esteem is finding the initial ability to say to your parents, or your caretaker, "You are hurting me."

Personal Story of Conversion

I remember this happened to me. I converted to Islam, but I kept it quiet for months. White family, kept it quiet for months. Because it's just a white family—they're going to freak out. And I remember, I was a closet Muslim freshman in college—closet Muslim. And my father was like, "Hey, what's this Muhammad literature?" We're standing in the kitchen. So I was like, "Oh, I'm learning about world religions in school." "Okay."

And then I remember finally, I wanted to tell him, but I didn't know how to tell him. I was getting nervous. I was getting too emotional. Because my parents, they loved me, right? And then finally, my brother—he was very disrespectful of Islam. And to defend the Prophet, peace be upon him, in the face of disrespect, you don't feel any pain.

As the poet says:

"Wa lastu ubali hina uqtalu musliman 'ala ayyi janbin kana fillahi masra'i" - "I don't care when I'm killed as a Muslim, on which side for Allah's sake my death occurs."

You know, to defend the honor of Muhammad, peace be upon him, and face pain—I don't feel any pain. So I yelled, "I'm Muslim!" At the Thanksgiving Day table. With a turkey the size of Rhode Island on the table.

And then my mother, she said, "How could you do this to me?" You know, when your mother says something like that, you're like, "Oh, back it up, back it up. What did I just do?" "How could you do this to me?" I said, "Do what?" She says, "The cheese! What about the cheese?" I said, "You mean the pizza cheese?" She said, "Yeah, pizza! Aren't they always made with pork cheese?" I said, "No, it's really made with milk cheese." "Milk? Oh my God." Anyway, I said, "Go ahead."

I was ready to take on the world, ready to spit fire. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." My mom was like, "Oh my God. You mean you can eat pizza? Oh, that's good." I remember, I went to my bedroom. I was shaking.

And I'm like, "What just happened?" I was shaking because I was scared to death. But I was scared for what I was willing to do for my faith.

And I remember my mother came to me later that night and she said, "I'm sorry. I was just scared. I don't know anything about Islam." I said, "It's okay, Mom." I said, "It's not that bad. It's not even—it's just pizza." "What's next?" She said to me, "Well, how?" She said, "Did I do something wrong as your mother?"

I didn't have to face the abuse like some of you may be dealing with at home. And that's when you get to the second point of the challenge you may face with religious leadership.

Internal Challenge #2: Toxic Religious Leadership

We need, as Imams, we need to understand that some of our young people are facing direct pain as soon as they walk into the front door of their house. And in the name of liberalism or in the name of George Bush's political agenda, we shouldn't think the youth are going to be able to serve us if we don't heal them first.

So don't just preach to me about liberalism. When you're facing young people who are making drugs, who are dealing with abuse, who are suicidal in support of the destruction that's happening to them. You can take your lectures about liberalism and go—I don't care. I don't care what people think anymore. Enough is enough.

You can't sit and lecture young people about liberalism and politics when they're being abused at home. First heal their reality. And secondly, as Imams—Bengalis, Sudanese, communities of color, and women get vicious treatment sometimes.

Now, let me get off my soapbox and protect me because they won't come after me because they don't like me anyway. But notice how the most vicious attacks happen to the weakest. But we can't preach to young people about what life should be in a broken home. And that's what's holding our community back.

The Role of Religious Leadership

If you need to talk to your parents, I'll talk to your parents. In New York, Imams should be willing to go to social services or non-Muslim counselors if needed. We're Muslims. That's the Imam. Not just preaching about theology and politics. Understanding that young people are being mistreated at home. If you can't preach to them healing, you shouldn't be an Imam.

Secondly, there are some of us who have been exposed to this by religious leadership since we were young. Because you're not even welcome at the masjid. If you went to the Prophet's masjid, may peace and blessings be upon him, the masjid would have women inside. But nobody wants to talk about that.

Some people who are out there some people are out there who want to protect people from fitna. So they say, "The women are fitna!" No! What are you saying? I don't know what I'm saying. If you don't even know what you're saying, then leave.

But if you go to their Tafsir books, we find that those companions, may Allah be pleased with them, in those communities were not talking that way. Just because they were concerned for everybody, you won't find concern for women going places like that. No place in the world like that.

Addressing Problematic Leadership

It's hard to have self-esteem when you go to your masjid for comfort and instead you run into a religious leadership that says, you know, "We can't teach you, we can't facilitate things for you because of your gender, your race, your social standing, your economic background."

So now when a religious leadership is contributing to low self-esteem or low self-worth in the community, what you have to do in that situation is call them out nicely. You don't have to say, "Look, you're not fit to be an Imam. You're not fit to be a teacher." Maybe you've been emotionally damaged by religious leadership.

Call them out. We don't want to ostracize ourselves in moments of pain and sorrow and say that that's what Muslims need to do. I don't care how nice somebody is and how nice they look and how much cream they put on their face to give them that glow. If they are physically, emotionally or psychologically abusing someone, they are not worthy of their positions.

Internal Challenge #3: Toxic Friends

The third is your friends. They're like, "Ooh, man, I'm good here." When I converted to Islam, insha'Allah, in the 1990s, my teacher said to me, "Show me your friends and I'll show you who you are." I was like, "No, I'm not going to show you my friends." He was like, "What?" I was like, "Yeah, just—show you my friends and you'll know how messed up I was."

Two weeks after I became Muslim, my friend, J-Dog, got shot. Someone killed him. I was like, (إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ - inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un) - "Indeed, to Allah we belong and to Him we shall return." And at the funeral, all my friends were pulling out guns to go kill whoever killed him.

And I had just converted. You know, I'm sure a lot of you know when your heart is feeling that warm touch of the Lord. You know, you feel like your chest is about to explode with love. And I said to myself, "I gotta go." You know, it's like choosing life over death. It's like choosing light over darkness.

And at one point, one of my friends, he had a gun and he was about to give it to me and some of my other friends said, "No, no, no, man, he's Muslim, it's okay. We leave Muslims out," he said. So I got a free pass because I was Muslim.

Later on, somehow, one of those brothers became Muslim. And later on, a whole large group of us that grew up together became Muslims after he died. But the point is, the point is, are your friends lifting you up or bringing you down? Like, do they increase your self-esteem or is it just a competition so we can be more cool? Is it a competition for who can be more bad? Those kinds of things aren't going to build your self-esteem.

Where are the people who really love you and value you? People who you can be vulnerable with. People who you can be honest with. People who you can argue with but it doesn't get personal. It doesn't get personal, right?

But when they say something to you that needs to be said, you understand that that's advice. No one needs to be told:

"Man nasahaka faqad ahabba, wa man ghashaka faqad karihak" - "Whoever advises you loves you, whoever deceives you dislikes you."

Those are the three areas I want you to think about. Your family are your siblings bullies? Are your siblings abusing you? Parents, uncles, aunts, family. Family should be an edifice of support and guidance, not an anchor to bring you down. They need to be confronted, address those issues, and speak to them.

Number two is the leadership that brings you along. There's a difference between asking people to be responsible that's good. That helps. "We need to be accountable, we need to change." We believe that. But for leadership to just preach to people and not be aware of what their lives are involved in, to be someone who can help and heal—that's the responsibility. And to use the beautiful religion to slide into someone's DMs or to discriminate against someone because of their gender or to demean females because they're not male or they're bad-that's nonsense, man.

The Prophet, peace be upon him, built people up. He didn't have to destroy people to build himself up. People came to Islam as they were. And the Prophet, peace be upon him, when he gave them dignity, he was able to heal them. He was listening before he was preaching. He addressed real issues, real concerns of people.

The third is the support network-friends. Are those friends lifting you up or are they on the list of liabilities?

Building Positive Self-Esteem

And the last is it's okay to believe in yourself. It's okay to have enough confidence in yourself that you think you can do good. Not hubris. Not narcissism. But I care for myself in a way that I try for myself with the understanding that with the help of Allah I will ultimately achieve things I believe in.

I will say this—I have around 30 physical students at my institute. I have about 1,000 students online that I teach. In New York, 30 students. I will say only one of them, Miriam, from the Bronx, was confident. The others when they first came to me, they were like, "I don't know if I can do this, I'm so scared." I'm like, "Why don't you know?" "I don't know." They're like, "You're trying to force me to believe in myself."

Because that's going to impact you as a father, as a parent, as a community member, as someone that has to stand up for the truth. So care for yourself in a way that doesn't destroy you.

Challenging Negative Self-Talk

The last is challenge that voice inside you that constantly tells you that you're worthless. Challenge that voice. Don't let that voice dominate you. Challenge it. Mention the good things that you've done. Talk about the things that you've done that are good. And push back.

Closing Du'a

May Allah shower His blessings on all of us. It's super amazing to see so many beautiful young people here now. Blessings to the future of our Ummah. We have so much hope and confidence in all of you. May Allah bless you. JazakumAllahu khayran. As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.