You Can Have the Family You Want

You Can Have the Family You Want

Imam Siraj Wahaj

Opening Prayers and Introduction

(بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَٰنِ الرَّحِيمِ - bismillahir-rahmanir-rahim)

الحمد لله

Brothers and sisters, I don't like to begin any session unless I make a dua that the Prophet made, alayhi salatu wa salam:

Allahumma inni a'udhu bika min 'ilmin la yanfa'u "O Allah, I seek refuge with You from knowledge that doesn't benefit."

And if we're going to be here one minute, or one hour, inshallah, we will take the knowledge and we will benefit. I ask Allah the Almighty to bless this great conference. And over the last couple of days you've learned a lot.

The True Measure of Conference Success

You've gotten a lot of information. The conferences mean nothing if we come into the conference one way, and we go out of the conference the same way we came in. Therefore, the success of the conference is not only what we get here from these great speakers, these scholars, these imams, the shuyukh, but when we walk out of this place, when we leave the hotel, when we leave the convention center, what will it be like tonight? What will it be like tomorrow?

Allah blessed me over the years to have learned so much about Islam, primarily from the Quran, and then the sunnah of our beloved Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessing be upon him. So over the years you have heard me quote verses from the Quran and ahadith. For me, I had to make a transition. In 1975, when I became a real Muslim, I had to unlearn things that I learned before.

My Personal Journey and a Historical Lesson

And Allah blessed me to learn about Islam and to implement it in my own life, alhamdulillah. I say that because I'm going to quote from a man that it would be very difficult for you to ever recall me quoting from him in the last 20-something years. But I think today it's appropriate so that we can learn a lesson.

The Crisis in Marriage Choices

We must admit this afternoon that there are problems in the marriage. I will submit to you tonight that most of our problems existed in the very choice of the marriage. There are those of you who are not married, raise your hand.

Allahu akbar. All the young men who didn't, all the young men who raised their hand who are not married, how many want to get married, raise your hand. Sisters, take a look. And all the brothers that raised their hand, they want to get married. Now you brother, you old brother, put your hand down. Now all the young brothers that raised their hand who said they want to get married, how many of you want to get married tonight, raise your hand.

Subhanallah. A few weeks ago, after having traveled around the country, I came back to the masjid and learned that one of our sisters had gotten married. And when I learned whom she had married, I was very disappointed because I felt that this sister had settled and she married someone that she could have done much better.

The Spirit of Excellence: I Can Do Better Than That

In the spirit of one of our sahaba, I want to use a spirit from him to make my point. Abu Muhammad Abdullah ibn Amr ibn al-As radiallahu anhuma—when the Prophet found out from him that he was fasting every day and our Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said that it's sufficient for you to fast three times, three days in one month. Abu Muhammad Abdullah ibn Amr ibn al-As radiallahu anhuma said this, and I want this to be your theme. The spirit of what he said:

Inni otiqu afdala min dhalika "I can do better than that."

And I want you my brothers and sisters who are not married, who raise your hand, who want to get married, you are in a wonderful position from this moment to make the kind of family that you want. It is in your hands. But you must have the spirit to say that I can do better than that. Sometimes our sisters they get desperate so that any man that comes along that wants to marry the sister she's quick to say yes. But I'm saying tonight: إني أطيق أفضل من ذلك - I can do better than that.

Muslims in America: The Test of Freedom

Two things I want to leave with you. Brothers and sisters, you are Muslims. You are not like everybody else.

Let me tell you something about this country of which I was born. One of the greatest qualities of this country is its freedoms. The freedom of speech, the freedom of religion, the freedom of the press. And because of the freedoms we can come to this conference and you can have speakers and nobody tells them what to say. They come and they preach from the Quran and they preach from the Sunnah. No one can stop them because they have freedom of speech and they have freedom of religion.

So we can come to this conference and we can practice our religion. No one will stop us from making Salat. No one will stop us from fasting in the month of Ramadan. No one will stop us from making pilgrimage to Mecca. No one will stop us from eating the halal. That's good.

But there is a test with the freedoms because sometimes the freedom, if you don't check it, it goes so far. America is an experiment. It's an experiment in freedoms. But the people who come here, the people who visit here, the people who live here, the people who are born here, they must make a decision how far you will go with your freedom.

The Best and Worst Muslims in America

It is my opinion. What did I say? My what? My opinion. Did I say it's in the Quran? Did I say Hadith? I said it's my what? Opinion. You can take it or let it alone. In my opinion, some of the best Muslims in the world live in America.

That's my opinion. Why do you say that? Because I lived in Mecca for four months. And when you live in Mecca, it's easy to practice the religion of Islam. Everywhere you go, almost every few blocks, there's a masjid there, and you hear the Adhan, and the Adhan is on the radio and on the television.

I watched the Muslims in Houston, Texas, the sisters, they go shopping in Dallas, Texas, and in New York City, and in Detroit, and Los Angeles, they go to the supermarket. And they pick up a loaf of bread. And when they pick up a loaf of bread, you see them reading the ingredients. What are you looking for? To make sure that there's no lard, make sure there's no pork in the bread, in the cookies, in the food, to make sure there's no alcohol. Why? Because everywhere you turn around in America, in Houston, Texas, and in Dallas, and all over America, you are tested with the haram.

And if you're a Muslim, and you can live in this society and not touch the foods of the haram of this society, you can become some of the strongest Muslims in the world. It's my opinion. My what? Opinion.

That some of the worst Muslims in the world live in America. Why is it? Because you have all of the temptations, especially the youth. And if you can stay away from the temptation, you're one of the best Muslims, the strongest Muslims. And if you give in to the temptation, you wind up being like everybody else. And then, when you look at some Muslims, you can't tell the difference between a Muslim and a Kafir except in the name. So we call ourselves Muslim. I'm a Muslim. But when you look at the actions of the person, their actions are just like those who don't believe.

So some of the best Muslims are the strongest Muslims in America, and some of the weakest Muslims are in America, in my opinion. So now you have to make a decision.

The Most Important Decision After Islam

I believe the most important decision you will ever make in your life after becoming Muslim is whom you shall choose to marry. Two things. And consider what Allah says. Brothers and sisters, my thesis this afternoon in my short talk, by the way, I got some extraordinarily good news for you. I got some good news.

You ready? Can you stand some good news? Brothers and sisters, I have a reputation of being long-winded, long speeches. But in honor of you tonight, I promise you, I will not speak more than four hours. I promise you.

You're not supposed to say takbir. After becoming Muslim, to me, one of the greatest decisions you will make is whom to marry. And my thesis tonight, my short thesis is this:

I have determined after studying the Quran and the Sunnah for so many years, I've come to the conclusion that there is no institution that comes close to the institution of family toward helping one another go to Al-Jannah. Nothing even comes close to it. In the next few moments, I'm going to prove it to you.

Choosing the Right Spouse

How important it is to whom you marry. It is so important, brother. Most of us, we haven't got a clue who we're going to marry. Farouk, there was an old song. Maybe you remember it. It goes something like this. Now, I'm not a singer. I can't sing, so don't get angry at me. But the song went something like this: You want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife. You ever hear that?

I have to amend it a little bit. You want to be happy for the rest of your life, never let a pretty woman without taqwa be your wife. Because right now, many people, they get married for the wrong reason.

The Role of the Guardian in Marriage

So Allah gives a hint in the Quran:

Wala tunkihul mushrikati hatta yu'minna "And do not marry [your women] to the pagan men until they believe." (Quran 2:221)

Stop. How many fathers we have here? Good. I want to talk to you for a second, dad. There will be men coming to you who want to talk to your daughters. They already came, I'm sure. Brother came to me, Brother Imam Siraj, I'd like to take your daughter to dinner. I said, sure, you can take my daughter to dinner, you and my daughter and me.

Allah said in the Quran, you know, and this is the beautiful thing about the Arabic language, one vowel change changes the meaning. لا تُنكِحُوا - لَا تَنكِحُوا - لَا يَنكِحُوا. Don't you marry the pagan women? You men, you father, you

brother, don't you marry your daughters? Don't you marry your sisters? Don't you marry your granddaughters? Don't you marry your nieces to the pagan men, until they believe.

Who is Allah speaking to? Speaking to the man. Now, the Prophet, peace and blessing be upon him, said:

(Sunan Abu Dawud 2085)

La nikaha biduni waliyyin "There is no marriage without a guardian."

No, I'm not going to, it's not going to be one of those heavy talks, I just want to, I assume you had this discussion already, but I want to make sure to lay the foundation so I can get where I want to go. Okay? Can you be patient with me? I'm laying the foundation for a reason because I'm going somewhere and I want to take you with me. Okay?

The Prophet is Closer to the Believers

In order to appreciate that, you have to appreciate the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessing be upon him.

Allah says:

An-nabiyyu awla bil-mu'minina min anfusihim "The Prophet is closer to the believers than their own selves." (Quran 33:6)

The Hadith That Changed My Life

Now, I found a Hadith brothers and sisters that changed my life. This Hadith you can find in Sahih Muslim, Hadith volume number 2, under the chapter Talaq, Divorce. In the section called Talaq Ghayro Raj'i, Irrevocable Divorce, the first 15 or 20 Hadith. I'm going to narrate one of them and make my point and then I'm going to try to make the conclusion because in the end of the day when you leave this conference you want to make sure that you will have, you will create the family that you want.

Now, how many fathers? Raise your hand. Good. How many brothers do we have who have younger sisters? Raise your hand. Okay, good, good.

Now, Fatima bint Qays was divorced from her husband irrevocably. And when the iddat was over, three men were interested in marrying her: Muawiya bin Abi Sufyan, Abu Jahm, and Usama bin Zaid. And the Prophet, peace and blessing be upon him, acting as Wali for Fatima, he said, don't marry Abu Jahm because he has a habit of beating women. Hmm? Don't marry him. And don't marry Muawiya bin Abi Sufyan because he cannot afford to take care of you.

Inkihi Usama "Marry Usama." (Sahih Muslim 1480)

She said, no, no, no, no. Not Usama, no. Marry Usama. No, no, not Usama. And the Prophet insisted. And you know what? She married Usama. And she said the marriage was so good she became the envy of the other women.

The Key to Family: Absolute Submission to Allah's Will

You want to know what the family is supposed to do? I'll tell you. What was the last words of Ibrahim as they were thrown in the fire?

Hasbunallahu wa ni'mal wakeel "Allah is sufficient for us, and He is the best Disposer of affairs."

What does that mean? You know what we think it means? Oh Allah, save me from this. It don't mean save me from it. You know what it really means? Allah, your will be done.

You want proof? Do you think that Allah have the ability to save everyone if He wants to? Have there not been prophets murdered? Wasn't John the Baptist beheaded? Weren't some of the prophets murdered? And Allah gives a hint.

Wa ma Muhammadun illa rasulun qad khalat min qablihi ar-rusulu afa'in mata aw qutila inqalabtum 'ala a'qabikum "And Muhammad is nothing more than a prophet. Prophets were killed before. Prophets have died before. So if Muhammad dies or if he is murdered, will you then turn on your heels?"

And you know what that means in my conclusion? It means if you want to have a family, the key to the family is absolute submission to do the will of Allah. I don't want to go to prison. I don't. But if Allah destined me to be in prison, Brother Ali Tamimi in Northern Virginia was sentenced to life imprisonment without any parole. And you know what he said? The day they sentenced him, he said, I'm not going to ask mercy from the court. I am innocent and I'm not going to ask the court for mercy.

Dr. Rafiq Sabir in New York City, sentenced 25 years in prison. One day they may pick Imam Siraj or Mujahid or any of us. Will you turn back your heels? If Allah calls us to die, will you go back? This family, Ibrahim wal-ladhina ma'a, were great examples for us. And I found no institution greater.

The Family: A Path to Jannah

Here's a man who goes to the Prophet, Ya Rasulullah, my father is an old man and he can't make hajj. Can I make it for him? No. Think about it, Sheikh. We've been around for years. We've known each other over 30 years. Right? I got nine children. You have? Twelve. I'll catch up, inshallah. Let's have a race.

But listen to what the Prophet said:

(Sahih Muslim 1631)

Idha mata al-insanu inqata'a 'amaluhu illa min thalath: sadaqatin jariyah, aw 'ilmin yuntafa'u bihi, aw waladin salihin yad'u lahu "When a person dies, all of their works is finished except three: ongoing charity, knowledge from which benefit is derived, or righteous children who make dua for them."

You and I in the grave, our 12 children and our nine children making dua for us. Still getting credit from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.

The Prophet said three supplications are answered. One of them the supplication of the father for their child. If you study the Quran and Hadith, you will find so many ways for us to help each other go to Jannah. And what's it all about? Al-Jannah. It's Jannah. Honestly, it's Jannah.

No one who dies and goes to Jannah will want to come back except a martyr who died in the way of Allah. He wants to come back and die ten more times in the way of Allah.

Honoring Our Parents

So brothers and sisters, your mothers and fathers, grab them. You are blessed. My mother and father weren't Muslim. When I was seven years old living in Brooklyn, my father called me to the kitchen. My father named Willie Cass. Willie Cass. I love him. I don't say this to dishonor my father. I honor my father even though he wasn't Muslim.

He said, come son. I was seven years old in the kitchen on Clarkson Avenue in Brooklyn. He said, come son. He went and got a bottle of alcohol, whiskey, and poured it in a cup and said, son, drink this. This will make a man out of you. He doesn't know. He doesn't know. My mom made sure I go to church every Sunday. She did the best that she can.

But you know what? My children now, my son Mohammed, my youngest son, a few years ago he went to Mecca and made pilgrimage. Two years later, his sister Hujah went to Mecca to make pilgrimage, but he didn't want her to go by herself. So he went with her for the second time he made pilgrimage. We, the family, help one another to go to Jannah.

Make the Right Decisions for Your Family

Love, love. Love in this dunya is a little bit different. But the real love is for Allah and His messenger, and we love each other for Allah. Make good decisions. Dad, be careful whom you marry your daughters to. It will come back to haunt us.

It's in your hands. You're Muslims, and we want Jannah. Get those who are going to help us to go to Jannah. May Allah bless you. Bless this conference, and go away with a sense of great family.

الحمد لله رب العالمين Alhamdulillah, Rabbil 'Alameen

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh

Closing Remarks and Personal Testimony

Jazakallah khair جزاك الله خيراً

I was blessed with the opportunity to be in Philadelphia in November. And in Philadelphia, I learned a valuable lesson. Because I attended an event, a conference, for MANA. A new concept, in my opinion. I've been Muslim, Alhamdulillah, about six years. I'm Hispanic. And when I went to Philadelphia, I saw a lot of good happening in the environment.

There was like an electrifying feeling in the environment. It was very active. It was a convention held by MANA. Muslim Alliance of North America. Imam Siraj is the amir of Muslim Alliance of North America. It was the first conference. And it just shocked everyone who attended. The dynamic approach of activists. I don't know how to describe it. It was just good. Many initiatives came from out of that gathering.

Supporting Brothers Coming Out of Prison

In regards to something that he mentioned, which is brothers who are coming out of the prison system. Who is supporting these brothers who are coming out of the prison system? Are our communities doing something for the brothers coming out of the prison system? How about the brothers who embrace Islam? What is there for them in regards to a foundation? What's happening with the families of these individuals? And so on.

And I personally benefited greatly from Imam Siraj and many of the people who were there. Because they poured out their hearts in regards to making the whole environment like a human family.

A Personal Story of Conversion

I'll just mention one thing. And by the will of Allah, if the organizers allow us, about five minutes questions and answers, by the will of Allah. I personally embraced Islam about six years ago. And I was the first individual in my family to receive the message of Islam.

When I became Muslim, I automatically left off many of the things that I was doing before. Like the alcohol, the women, the drugs. Cut it off right from the root. From one day to the next after taking shahada.

When I went to my house, my parents thought I was brainwashed by some individuals who happened to be called Muslims. And it was strange for me to see my mother, for example, who had been suggesting that I leave off these things. Stop going out late nights. To leave drinking and doing all these things that I was doing.

It was interesting to see that she was telling me that I had become extreme. Because I left it. So I asked her, you've been asking me to leave this. Now I did, and now it's something negative.

My father, who is a very educated man, alhamdulillah, from Colombia, knows some English. We spoke in Spanish, and he said, why did you choose this Islam? I said, you're my father, and you've taught me the best that

you've been able to teach me. There's one thing you taught me that led me to Islam, which is to read. So I asked you to please read some material, and you make a decision about Islam.

Alhamdulillah, with his reason and his questioning and search for truth, three months later he accepted Islam. My mother used to say, you guys don't bring none of this to me. I'm a Catholic, I would die a Catholic. My parents are Catholic, don't talk to me about religion. I said, if Allah wills, He'll guide you. And three years later, she accepted Islam.

The Family as the Beginning of Change

Our families are the beginning of change in this society. And with the information that you brothers and sisters have gained in this gathering, and with the advice and the eloquence that Imam Siraj explained to us, the family of Ibrahim, we hope that you leave from this place a better individual, and you can do good within your family, and that it spreads out to the Muslim community, and from the Muslim community spreads out to the overall society.

Questions and Answers

Brothers and sisters, I got a very good question. You see, Allah is great. You asked the question, you helped me. The person asked the question, you know, you chose Ibrahim as an example and not the great master Muhammad. Just curious. And let me tell you something.

Why Ibrahim and Not Muhammad?

I meant, Wallahi, I meant to end with Muhammad. Let me prove it to you. Brothers and sisters, see the truth of the matter is you and I can't follow Ibrahim. You can't do it. Why? The Quran mentions Suhuf Ibrahim, the books of Ibrahim. Where is it?

If you study the Quran Allah جل جلاله asked the Prophet to follow Ibrahim. When they said to him, No, no, no. The religion of Ibrahim.

Now, I said that Prophet Ibrahim was the master, right? And I mentioned Ali for a reason. The reason I mentioned Ali for my community is that because it takes a master to make a master. And the Prophet said:

(Sahih Muslim 2278)

Ana sayyidu waladi Adama yawma al-qiyamah "I will be the master of mankind on the Day of Judgment."

And then Allah took the Prophet to the Mi'raj. And when he took the journey, the night journey from Mecca to Jerusalem, the Prophet led the other Prophets, including Ibrahim, in Salat.

Not only that. In Sahih al-Bukhari, you will find on Yawm al-Qiyamah, the Prophet will knock on the door of Jannah. And the angel, the gatekeeper will ask, Who are you? He says, I am Muhammad. And he will say, I

have been commanded to let no one in Jannah before you. (Sahih al-Bukhari 3340)

So, there is no argument about the Prophet Muhammad. Allah has given us the last messenger. And the honorable, I will just mention Ibrahim in relationship to the ritual that we have. That was the point. Not to bring down our Prophet Muhammad.

The Perfect Example of Muhammad

So, no brothers and sisters. To our example, in the same word that Allah used in the Quran for Ibrahim, Uswat al-Hasana. He used the same term for Prophet Muhammad:

Laqad kana lakum fi rasulillahi uswatun hasanah "There has certainly been for you in the Messenger of Allah an excellent example."

So, make no mistake about that. Thanks for asking the question.

Advice for Long Marriages

The last question, brothers and sisters, is this. How many of you have been married for at least 10 years? Raise your hand. Good. At least 20 years. 25? Allahu Akbar. 30 years. Allahu Akbar. 40? Allahu Akbar. 50?

All married 25 and more. Stand up. Stand up. 25 years. Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. This is great. This is great. May Allah bless all of you to be married 25 or 30 years.

Brothers and sisters, you see these brothers and sisters who stood up? You're going to find out that the longer you're married, your relationship is going to change. It's going to grow. It's not the same as it was when you first got married. You'll see it'll develop to something different.

The Importance of Character Over Beauty

And the beautiful thing about the relationship, you know what's remarkable? You remember Kobe Bryant? Why are you laughing? Remember a few years ago he was accused of raping that woman he said he had, you know? Remember? How many have ever seen the wife of Kobe Bryant? I mean, come on. Right? You got my point? Hmm? You got my point? You got my point?

And you will find men, there was a man married to a woman, she was Miss America, and he cheated on his wife. So brothers and sisters, it's not beauty all the time. Because wallahi, the most beautiful woman, soon she's going to be transformed to something different. If she lives long enough, believe me. True? So relationships change.

So the beautiful thing, the thing that lasts is the character. Now, someone asked me a question, and I'll say this. That whatever problems you have in your marriage, and I think you had some of this in this conference, seek counsel.

Seeking Proper Counsel

Whatever the issue is. Whatever the issue is, you seek counsel, and counselors that will help you, inshallah, to solve whatever problems you have. I think the question is too sensitive for me to ask publicly, but I will say this, that inshallah, seek Allah's help first, and then seek help from good counselors, not some of these people in the dunya.

Because mashallah, I've heard some of these psychologists in the dunya, and they tell our Muslim youth what to do, and really, brothers and sisters, if you have no faith, you will give wrong advice. And that advice has to be based upon, number one, the Quran and the Sunnah.

May Allah bless you.

JazakAllah Khair (جزاك الله خيراً)

(السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته - Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh)

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