Sadness and Depression

Sadness and Depression

Opening

(السَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللَّهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ - assalāmu ʿalaykum wa raḥmatullāhi wa barakātuh)

Introduction: Sadness is Normal

To feel sad, to feel sorrow, to feel grief, is very normal, to the point where the Prophets (عليهم الصلاة والسلام - ʿalayhimu ṣ-ṣalātu was-salām) themselves went through tests and trials, and they felt sad at times. And we know in the life of the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم - ṣallā-llāhu ʿalayhi wa-sallam) what is known as عَامُ الْحُزْنِ (The Year of Sadness), where the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم - ṣallā-llāhu ʿalayhi wa-sallam) went through a tough time and went through sadness. This was a sad time in the life of the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم - ṣallā-llāhu ʿalayhi wa-sallam).

The Story of Prophet Yaqub and His Sadness

And similarly, other Prophets—Yaqub (عليه السلام - ʿalayhis-salām), for example—and his story is, I would say, a really, really powerful story, where Allah tells us of the sadness that Yaqub (عليه السلام - ʿalayhis-salām) dealt with when he lost his son Yusuf. And the thing about the sadness of Yaqub (عليه السلام - ʿalayhis-salām) was that, you know, we can go through a sad period in our time, in our life, and have to deal with sadness for a certain period of time. But we look at the life of Yaqub (عليه السلام - ʿalayhis-salām) and it was years that Yaqub (عليه السلام - ʿalayhis-salām) went through a sad and tough time.

To the point where Yaqub (عليه السلام - ʿalayhis-salām), out of his sadness, Allah tells us:

(وَابْيَضَّتْ عَيْنَاهُ مِنَ الْحُزْنِ - wābyaḍḍat ʿaynāhu mina l-ḥuzn)

"His eyes turned white from sadness."

Reference: Qur'an 12:84

That he almost lost—he lost his eyesight—out of the sadness that he felt. And his children, they say to him, that you will continue to be sad until you fall ill, gravely ill, or that you will become destroyed. That is the height of the sadness of Yaqub (عليه السلام - ʿalayhis-salām).

Yaqub's Response

But Yaqub (عليه السلام - ʿalayhis-salām) responds to his children. He says:

(إِنَّمَا أَشْكُو بَنِي وَحُزْنِي إِلَى اللَّهِ - ʾinnamā ʾashkū banī wa ḥuznī ʾila-llāh)

"Most certainly, I turn to Allah. I only turn to Allah in my sadness and my grief and my suffering."

(وَأَعْلَمُ مِنَ اللَّهِ مَا لَا تَعْلَمُونَ - wa ʾaʿlamu mina-llāhi mā lā taʿlamūn)

"And I know from Allah that which you do not know."

Reference: Qur'an 12:86

The Realities That Yaqub Knew

And the scholars talk about this second part of the ayah, and they talk about what Yaqub (عليه السلام - ʿalayhis-salām) knew. And what Yaqub (عليه السلام - ʿalayhis-salām) knew were the realities that a Muslim, a mu'min, someone who has submitted to Allah, understands.

Reality 1: Allah Does Not Burden a Soul Beyond Its Capacity

From amongst these realities is:

(لَا يُكَلِّفُ اللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا - lā yukallifu-llāhu nafsan ʾillā wusʿahā)

"Allah does not burden a soul with more than they can handle."

Reference: Qur'an 2:286

Meaning: if Allah is testing you, if Allah is trying you, if Allah has put you in a situation, rest assured that Allah knows that you can handle this, and you can come through this situation.

Reality 2: With Hardship Comes Ease

Yaqub (عليه السلام - ʿalayhis-salām) understood:

(إِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا - ʾinna maʿa l-ʿusri yusrā)

"That with hardship comes ease."

Reference: Qur'an 94:6

And the amazing thing, Subhanallah—1,500 years before Harvey Dent said, "The night is darkest before the dawn"—we have Allah revealing the ayat that tell us that with this hardship, we will find ease. And it is close to that hardship.

And one of the sayings of the Arab, they say:

(كُلَّمَا اشْتَدَّ الْبَلَاءُ اقْتَرَبَ النَّصْرُ - kullamā-štadda l-balāʾu-qtaraba n-naṣr)

"As the test and the trial and the hardship—the more severe it gets—the closer the help of Allah is."

That is something that Yaqub (عليه السلام - ʿalayhis-salām) knew.

Reality 3: Dependence on Allah

Yaqub (عليه السلام - ʿalayhis-salām) understood that in our life, we depend on Allah. And it is through depending on Allah and trusting in the divine decree of Allah that we're gonna find contentment and rest in our heart.

The Concept of Three Days

A Muslim also understands that their life is in a constant state of changing. Meaning we cannot guarantee what will come tomorrow. And the scholars often talk about the three days. They say, in general, our life is three days:

1. We have the day that passed us—the day which is our past, our current day

2. The day that might come

And they say that a Muslim understands that what is past is past. Meaning there's nothing you can do about that. And what is in the future, we don't know. Meaning you cannot change the future; you cannot control the future. But what you can work on is your day right now—the day that Allah has given you, the life that Allah has given you right now, and the breath that Allah has given you right now.

And this is the perspective of a Muslim. As one of the scholars, he said to one of the kings, he said: Between me and you, there's a difference of one day. Because we have both witnessed the last day. And you have enjoyed your time and you have done whatever you had to do, but you've already forgotten the pleasures of your previous day. Me and you, we both understand that we cannot guarantee tomorrow. But we both have this day.

So the difference between me, he said as a scholar, and you as a king, who Allah has given riches and dominion and so on and so forth, is this one day.

We Will Be Tested in This Life

Also, a Muslim understands that no matter what, we will be tested in this life. That it is impossible that we go through this life and we will not be tested. Meaning it is impossible that someone lives a life where they face no hardship, they face no tribulations, and they face no trials.

As Allah says:

"Do the people think that they will be left alone simply because they said we believe?"

Reference: Qur'an 29:2

Because you say you're Muslim or you say you believe, it doesn't mean that you're not gonna face trials and hardships in your life. Meaning that is a normal part of life.

So my brothers and sisters, Islam has given us tools to deal with these issues. But one of the things that I wanted to do today—and I think this is something which is not really addressed in our communities—and that is the difference between sadness, the normal sadness we feel as human beings, and the sadness in which we require help when it becomes a problem that we cannot simply throw slogans at.

When Slogans Are Not Enough

Meaning we cannot simply—there comes a time, or they make a time upon someone—if they're dealing with depression to the point where it becomes clinical depression. Our slogans of:

(تَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّهِ - tawakkal ʿala-llāh)

"Have trust in Allah."

Or saying to them:

(إِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا - ʾinna maʿa l-ʿusri yusrā)

"That with hardship comes ease."

That won't do much for them.

And the problem, my brothers and sisters, with going to the person who has a real problem—meaning they're in a state of depression where nothing seems to help them—the problem with going to this person and giving them general guidelines is that at times this can lead to a state of further depression.

Why General Advice Can Harm

And the reason is this: The reason is that a person who is dealing with depression or sadness is dealing with problems in their life and they can't seem to get past that. Many days and weeks and months go by, and they can't seem to move forward.

When someone comes to them and tells them the first half of my talk today and says, "Listen, a Muslim believes, a mu'min understands that you have to rely upon Allah. That you have to trust in Allah. That (إِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا - ʾinna maʿa l-ʿusri yusrā) that with hardship comes ease. That's what you have to do."

And the person says, okay. But then they go back to their life and they start realizing that the Islamic cure for sadness and depression is not helping them. And so they begin to feel inadequate. They believe—they start believing—that there's something wrong with Islam, and it can lead to further sadness and further depression.

Three Levels of Ignoring the Problem

And we have a problem where in our communities now there is a general attitude of closing your eyes to the problem. And I personally believe this happens on three fronts or three levels.

Level 1: The Individual

Number one is the actual individual—the one who is going through problems in their life. Because of these general talks that we have on dealing with trials and hardships and stuff like that, they begin to ignore the problem. They'll shut it off and say, "You know, I'll be okay as long as I do the things that my Imam told me, I'll be okay." And like I said before, that can lead to further problems.

Level 2: Close Family and Friends

Also, the second level of this is the close family and friends of this person—to where the family and friends will tell this person, "Listen, you'll be okay. Don't worry about it. All you have to do is rely upon Allah." And once again, because that doesn't seem to do anything for them, it causes further problems.

Level 3: The Community

And then on the community level, we tend to ignore these issues. Meaning if there's Muslims dealing with these problems, our general attitude seems to be that if there's people dealing with these problems, that they do not understand Islam properly. That there's something wrong with their iman. That they have to trust in Allah. That's our general attitude. And we forget that at a point, this will not benefit the person. This will do nothing for them.

The Unique Challenge for Men

And a lot of times, when it comes to men, for example, this problem becomes more severe. And I know we tend to speak about problems and it's rare that people talk about men. But if you look at men in communities, in our communities, in Muslim communities, they-you know, if we think a sister is shy to talk about her problems, and a sister is shy to tell someone that she's depressed, realize that brothers are more shy.

Brothers are more they feel more ashamed to talk about their problems. They feel like as a man, you're not supposed to discuss the issues that you're going through.

So for example, if a sister is being abused, if she's in an abusive relationship, it is hard for her. And I completely -I understand that and I completely admit that. Yes, for sisters it is difficult. It is hard for sisters to come out and say to their community leader or to their Imam or to the scholar that they look up to, that "Listen, I'm being abused in my relationship."

But know that when it comes to a brother, and if they're in an abusive relationship—it could be a parent or something like that—it becomes even harder. And they feel a further sense of shame.

Islam Tells Us to Seek Help

And if we look at Islam, if you look at our Shari'ah, our Shari'ah actually tells us that seeking help and speaking out about our problems is a part of our religion.

As Yaqub (عليه السلام - ʿalayhis-salām) said:

(إِنَّمَا أَشْكُو بَنِي وَحُزْنِي إِلَى اللَّهِ - ʾinnamā ʾashkū banī wa ḥuznī ʾila-llāh)

"I complain to Allah. I only complain to Allah."

Reference: Qur'an 12:86

And the scholars, when looking at these ayat of Yaqub (عليه السلام - ʿalayhis-salām), they tell us that these ayat show us that when a person is going through a tough time, when they're grieving, when they feel sad, when they're depressed, that it is important for them to talk. It is important for them to tell someone and speak about their issues. And if they keep it bottled up, it can cause further problems.

(فَاسْأَلُوا أَهْلَ الذِّكْرِ إِن كُنتُمْ لَا تَعْلَمُونَ - fasʾalū ʾahla-ḏ-ḏikri ʾin kuntum lā taʿlamūn)

"Ask the people of dhikr, the people of understanding, the people of knowledge, the people of remembrance, if you do not know."

Reference: Qur'an 16:43; Qur'an 21:7

The Hadith on Seeking Treatment

Ask them if you do not know. This is the guidance of our Shari'ah. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم - ṣallā-llāhu ʿalayhi wa-sallam) said:

(إِنَّ اللَّهَ أَنْزَلَ الدَّاءَ وَالدَّوَاءَ وَجَعَلَ لِكُلِّ دَاءٍ دَوَاءً فَتَدَاوَوْا - ʾinna-llāha ʾanzala d-dāʾa wa d-dawāʾa wa jaʿala li-kulli dāʾin dawāʾan fatadāwū)

"Allah has sent down both the disease and the cure. And He has made for every disease a cure. So seek out this treatment. Seek out this cure."

Reference: Sunan Abu Dawud, Hadith 3855

Meaning this is what our Shari'ah tells us. That we have to take that step.

Encouraging Individuals to Seek Help

And like I said, this happens on three levels.

Number one: I hope that by talking here today, I can encourage the individuals who are dealing with issues that there's nothing wrong with speaking to someone if you feel like you're in a rut, if you're in a place that you simply cannot get past.

And understand that no matter—no matter how difficult it may be to talk about this problem right now, no matter how hard it may be to tell someone or to admit that your life isn't fine and dandy—that just because you have a beard, it doesn't mean you don't get depressed. Just because you wear hijab or you wear niqab or you're considered a pious Muslim or a practicing Muslim, that doesn't all of a sudden shield you from every single problem that comes across.

It's okay to talk about your problems. And realize that you may be saving face right now. You may be protecting your reputation or whatever you feel that you have to protect by not talking about that problem. But that saving face will never equal or will never overcome a life of depression and hardship.

That you have to go out, you have to seek help.

The Dentist Analogy

And, you know, psychologists often talk about going to a dentist. And it's interesting that Sister mentioned the person who went to a dentist. They say that when it comes to talking about serious problems, when we have to talk about problems that we're ashamed of, when we're dealing with a problem and we need help, they say it's like going to the dentist.

Meaning, when you think about it, you don't think about the cure. You don't think about the months or years or whatever time of relief that going to the dentist will bring. What does the average person think about when they think about going to the dentist? They think about the pain that they're going to have in those 20 or 30 or 40 minutes at the dentist's office.

And that's our approach to dealing with our problems. That's our approach on the individual level—is that we fear that initial pain or that embarrassment or whatever perceived problems we see with seeking help. And we leave aside a life of contentment and a life of living in peace.

The Role of Family and Friends

Also, like I mentioned, the second level of that is our close family and friends. Where our close family and friends, just like we get deluded into thinking that we're supposed to be better, or there must be something that is wrong with me, or that Islam has given us guidelines so that is the final answer—similarly, the family members can take that attitude or the close friends and say, "Listen, all you have to do is read the Qur'an. Or all you have to do is pray."

And don't get me wrong. Of course, shafa'ah—shafa'ah lies in the hands of Allah. And Allah may put cure in that one sajdah that you make on that lonely night. Allah may put the cure in that. Allah may remove all a person's depression and sadness because of that one sajdah they made with sincerity. That's true.

But when it comes to an individual who's dealing with a problem, an illness, a sickness, clinical depression for example, that may not be the answer. They may actually need help. They may actually need to talk to someone.

The Community's Responsibility

And lastly, like I said, when it comes to our community—and this, you know, I hate to say, but it falls on the shoulders of all of us. And when you think of communities, we tend to think of imams, and we tend to think of community leaders. But in the end of the day, it is us who make up the community. And it is us who—we have to take the initiative. And we have to bring this to the attention of our leaders and our imams and tell them that, "Listen, we have to address these issues."

If someone's being abused in a relationship, we have to address this. We can't turn a blind eye to this. If someone is dealing with serious depression, we have to deal with this.

Why General Advice Can Be Harmful

And this is why, Subhanallah, when I—and this is very common—when I get an email from someone telling me that they need some general Islamic advice because their friend is having a tough time dealing with some type of hardship, or they tell me someone lost someone, or they're going through grief in their life, and they say, "Brother, can you just give us some general─give me some general advice that I can convey to my friend?"—I never, I never, ever, ever give general advice.

Because like I said, that can cause more damage and more harm. Because if I give this general advice, and this person now looks at this advice and they see that this does nothing for them, they can begin to feel like there's something permanently wrong with them and give up hope.

And that is not part of our Shari'ah. Islam doesn't tell us—Islam looks down upon giving up hope. Islam pushes us to lead a very balanced life between love and fear and hope. This is the attitude of a mu'min.

Conclusion: Taking the Initiative

So, to close, I say: we have to take the initiative. We have to stand tall, and we have to take care of our community members, and we have to take care of our close family members, and we have to take care of our friends.

Because the reality is that, yes, the general advice that we give, it's true, it may work. And insha'Allah, it will work for the majority of people. Because the majority of people are not clinically depressed, for example. They're not ill. That's true. So, that's fine. You know, the general advice of Islam is great.

And Alhamdulillah, Allah blessed us with that knowledge. But there are people in our communities that are suffering and who need help that will not be helped by that general