Escaping Abuse Patience vs Suffering in Silence IlmFest AlMaghrib Institute

Opening

Introduction: The Stranded Man Analogy

I want you to imagine for a moment that there is a man, or let's say there's a Muslim man, who somehow finds himself stranded on an island.

And he's been there for days, and he's just on the brink of starvation. He's just on the brink of dying from hunger and thirst. And he begins to make du'a, and he calls out to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, and he says, My Lord, help me.

He says, My Lord, save me from this calamity. He says, O Allah, take me out of the difficulty that I am in. O Allah, help me.

And he continues to make this du'a. And as he is making this du'a, lo and behold, a boat comes by. And as the boat comes, they begin to see that there may be someone on the island here.

There may be someone who is on the beach. And they say, Well, this island is not supposed to have life. There's not supposed to be human beings living on this island.

So they get concerned, and so they dock the boat. And they call out to him, and they say, Are you stranded? Do you need to go home? Do you need help? And he replies, and he says, No, I'm okay. I'm good.

I made du'a to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, and Allah will come save me. I don't need you. I don't need your help.

Now if you were on that boat, what would you say to this person? I think most of us would be like, Dude, are you okay? It's so obvious. We'd be probably yelling and screaming. Imagine trying to plead with this guy and trying to tell him, Look, just come on. Let's go. We got you. And he's like, No, no, no.

Allah is going to save me because I made du'a to Allah. All I need to do is be patient. And I know that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala will reward me for my patience.

And this has been a very difficult time for me, but I know that I have rewarded Allah in this difficult time. What would we say to him? We'd probably get really frustrated. And we would tell him, This is the answer to your du'a.

Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has sent us possibly because of your du'a. And that would be obvious to many of us. However, sometimes we find another scenario that happens every now and then.

The Reality of Domestic Abuse

And that is that a sister who is maybe being abused in her house, maybe is a victim of domestic violence. She's been suffering in her household. And she goes and she asks for help, maybe from a family member.

And by the way, oftentimes when we talk about domestic abuse and the response to domestic abuse, often people single out the imam and say, Why didn't the imam help her? But I assure you that in most cases, she has gone to many people before she went to the imam, before she went to someone else. And oftentimes those are her close friends and her family members and perhaps her parents as well. So maybe she goes to her parents.

She goes to some loved ones. And she tells them that my husband has been abusing me, that my husband is abusing the children. And they reply to her, Be patient.

They tell her, Allah will reward you for the difficulty that you are going through. Allah will save you, just make du'a. Why is it that in the first scenario, it is clear to us that that is an incorrect understanding of patience.

Yet in the second scenario, we have no problem telling this woman to be patient, to make du'a, to pray more. And oftentimes we'll say things to her like, You know what, just give it time. And sometimes it's a cultural matter, right, that we don't want her to be known as a woman who has been divorced.

We don't want to bring shame upon the family. We don't want people to know. We don't want the community to know.

We don't want other family members to know that there's problems in their relationship. And sometimes the family themselves, her own parents will tell her, Be quiet. Don't even talk about it.

Don't even bring it up. Just be patient. Sometimes they'll say to her, Just wait.

Wait until you have a child. Because you know what, he may be messed up right now, your husband's messed up, but once you have kids, everything will be okay. And we all know that having kids doesn't solve anything.

As a matter of fact, if there was one victim in the house before, now with kids there are multiple victims of that abuse. And let alone when it's a case of abuse with a man, let alone a man who is dealing with abuse in his own household from his wife. What would we say to this person? Well, first of all, we would shame that man.

What kind of man are you? Your wife is hitting you? Your wife is beating you? Are you a man or what? We would shame that person. And perhaps in many cases, oftentimes, I know we talk about women and the abuse

that women go through, and we don't talk about the abuse that men suffer. And one of the reasons is because sometimes the abuse of women is more visible to us.

Because if a woman is not likely to talk about the abuse that she's going through, imagine how a man would feel having to complain to someone or to tell someone that I'm dealing with abuse in my household. And sometimes, you know, it's something just as simple as this man has been raised to never hit a woman. And his wife has no problem hitting him.

And so when she gets mad at him or there's an argument or she loses it, she has no problem hitting him and smacking him and punching him and so on and so forth. But he has been taught as a man, you don't raise a hand. You don't touch a woman like that.

And so what happens? He takes the abuse. And he takes the abuse and he takes the abuse. And this whole time, he has a sense of shame.

He feels ashamed that perhaps if I were to speak about this abuse, then what would the community say about me? Why is it that we have this attitude as Muslims towards people dealing with serious problems? You know, abuse is just one issue. Domestic abuse, domestic violence is just one issue. Mental health is a whole other category where we have people in our own families suffering from different mental health issues.

And they come to us and we tell them, be patient. We tell them, make dua. We tell them, pray more and Allah will solve your problems.

And oftentimes, we're ashamed. We're ashamed to acknowledge the fact that we have a brother or a sister or a spouse or a child who's dealing with depression or anxiety or whatever the problem may be. Because we don't want to label someone as crazy.

We don't want a family member labeled as someone who is crazy. So we tell them, just be patient. Because Islam has commanded us to be patient.

My brothers and sisters, to say that this is the type of patience that Islam commands is a gross misunderstanding of the patience that Islam commands us.

The Story of Hajar (peace be upon her)

You know, Imam Muhammad Abu Talib shared a story in his talk, the story of Hajar alayhi salam. And for me, that's an amazing story.

And there's so many lessons that we can learn from that story. One of the lessons that I want to highlight is how Hajar alayhi salam, how she understood what patience means. We know, as we heard in the previous talk, that Ibrahim alayhi salam took her out to the middle of nowhere.

There was nothing around. There was no livestock. There were no human beings.

There was no water. There was nothing to eat. And she had a newborn child, Ismail alayhi salam.

And he takes her and he leaves her there. And he begins to walk away. And as we heard, she pleaded with him.

She asked him, where are you going? And he didn't respond. Until she got to the point where she understood. She said, She said, has Allah commanded you to do this? Why? Because nothing else makes sense.

It doesn't make sense that Ibrahim alayhi salam would take his wife and his child to the middle of nowhere and just walk away. It must be a command from Allah. And he says, yes.

And then when she hears that, she understands. She says, if that is the case, Allah will not leave us. Allah will not just let us go.

Allah will not let us perish, meaning Allah will take care of us. And we would maybe say to her, you know, be patient. Right? If Allah has commanded it, this is the situation that Allah has put you in.

Be patient, meaning don't talk about it. Don't do anything. Just sit down and that's it.

But that's not how Hajar alayhi salam was. The very first thing she did, as we heard, was that she questioned Ibrahim alayhi salam. Why are you leaving me here? Why have you put me in this type of situation? And then she hears the answer that this is a command from Allah.

And does she stop there? No. She takes action to take herself out of the difficult situation that she is in. You know, in Surah al-Baqarah, we have a certain set of verses where we hear about those who are patient.

Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala describes the patient ones. Allah mentioned the series of tests and then Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala praises those who are patient. Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says:

We will test you with that of fear and hunger.

And you know, Hajar alayhi salam, she had both of those. She was afraid for her life. She was afraid for the safety of herself and her child.

And she was hungry. And her child was hungry.

And a lack of people. And a lack of provisions. Wealth, people, provisions, nothing. She had nothing.

You know, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala mentions ثَمَرَات Some plants maybe, some fruit maybe, something that maybe the earth itself would give. But even the earth had nothing to give. There was no people, there was a lack of lives, there was a lack of human beings.

And then Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says:

That in those moments of difficulty, give glad tidings to those who are patient.

That when a calamity comes upon them, when a difficulty comes upon them, they say, Certainly, we belong to Allah and we will return to Allah. Meaning it is Allah who has created me and it is Allah who will take care of me.

And have no doubt that Hajar alayhi salam, that is how she felt. When she heard that this is a command from Allah, she said, Allah will not let us perish. And after that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says:

These are those who Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has sent His blessings upon. And the mercy of Allah. And those are the ones who are guided. Those are the ones who are rightly guided.

Meaning those are the ones who can truly make sense of all the difficulty and the pain and the suffering that we go through as human beings. Those who are patient, those who understand what patience really is, they're the ones who are rightly guided in those difficult times. And you know many reciters of the Quran when they're reciting this part of Surah Al-Baqarah, maybe they're reciting it in Taraweeh, they get to this point and they stop.

Because the next ayah says:

That certainly Safa and Marwa are from the symbols of Allah. And the Qari thinks, you know what, the topic has changed, so I'll leave it for the next rak'ah. But the scholars of Tafsir, they say the topic has not changed.

Because Allah is telling us, the one whom we got the rights of Hajj from or at least the rights of Safa and Marwa. What do we do during Hajj and Umrah? We climb up Safa and we go make du'a. Then we go down, climb up to Marwa.

We go there and we make du'a. And there is a section in between in which we run. Where did that come from? That came from Hajar alayhi salam.

Because after she questioned Ibrahim alayhi salam about why she is being left there, she didn't just sit and do nothing. She ran up to the mountain or to the hill of Safa. And she looked out to see perhaps there are some people.

Perhaps someone can help her. And she made du'a just like we do during Hajj and Umrah. And then she didn't stop there.

She didn't see anyone. She ran from Safa to Marwa. She went to the other mountain that perhaps over there she will find someone.

And she doesn't see anyone. Why was she running? Our scholars say one of the wisdoms behind that is that she doesn't want to lose time. That perhaps while she is in the middle between the two mountains somebody passes by.

And she wants to make sure she catches that person. So she runs between Safa and Marwa. She runs up.

She makes du'a. She runs up and she makes du'a. She runs back and forth and back and forth.

The Blessing That Followed

And we know that because of that and because of her du'a and because of the du'a obviously of Ibrahim alayhi salam as well, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala provided for her. Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala sprung the water of Zamzam for her. That was the answer of the call.

And it is from that little bit of water that came. That water that came from the ground that today we look at Mecca and we see that there is no longer the shortage of all of the things, all of the tests that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala mentioned before. Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala mentioned:

"And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient,"

Is there any fear when you go to Mecca? No.

Those of you who have made hajj in Umrah, Mecca is one of the safest places that you can go to. Are you hungry when you go for hajj in Umrah? Wallahi there is so much food sometimes it feels like it's a waste of food. The amount of food they have in Mecca.

"And a loss of wealth..."

Is there a shortage of wealth in Mecca? No. Saudis are some of the richest people in the world. We know this.

"...and lives..."

Is there a shortage of people in Mecca? No. There's too many people actually. If you go for hajj, there's nowhere to walk.

"...and fruits..."

Food. Sustenance. Is there a shortage? No.

There's people walking around if you've made hajj in Umrah, especially during hajj, you know there's people walking around just giving food. Sometimes you're on a bus and somebody comes onto your bus and they have bottles of water and they have food and they have dates and sometimes you're like you know I'm here to worship Allah and I want to be in kind of like a you know a state where I feel spiritually close to Allah and I just end up filling myself with all this food because there's too much food. So that was the patience of Hajar alayhi as-salam.

That is how Hajar alayhi as-salam understood patience. Meaning what? Meaning that yes, there are situations where we don't have control. There are situations that help us understand that we have to rely upon Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala but that doesn't mean that we sit and do nothing.

Understanding True Patience

You know and often times people will quote certain evidences to say that you know when you're going through a difficulty you're supposed to do nothing you're supposed to just sit and be patient. I've heard people quote the story of Khabab radiyallahu anhu.

Khabab was one of the companions of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam who was being tortured in Mecca to the point where they would lay him out in the hottest part of the day and they would put hot burning stones on his chest and he would begin to bleed and his skin would begin to boil and it got to the point where he couldn't bear it.

So he went to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he said be patient because certainly the nations who came before you they would be sawed in half they would be cut in half and people say look here the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is telling him to not complain the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is telling him don't change your situation but actuality what is happening here is that they had there is nothing they could do and in those moments when we have tried everything we can yes we are patient and yes we understand that it is Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala who is in control because it is the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam himself who throughout his life in all of the trials that he went through he didn't just sit in his house and do nothing or he didn't just sit and make dua only he took the means that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has given to him he prepared himself for the battle of Badr for example we know the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam you know people often like to quote the story or the incident of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam that the night before the battle of Badr the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam stood in prayer and made dua the whole night and they say look this is patience right where you just make dua but they forget everything that happened before that night they forgot all the preparations that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam made they forgot that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala said to them:

"And prepare against them whatever you can of force and of horses saddled, to be feared by the enemy of Allah and your enemy and others besides them whom you do not know but Allah knows."

Prepare against them whatever you're able to whatever you're capable of from force and even your cavalry. Allah instructed them to prepare themselves and we find the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam always always always you look at the life of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he was always proactive he was preparing and along with that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam would make dua because in the end of the day as Muslims we are balanced we understand that there is a connection between our lives and our after lives we understand that in this life we have to take the means and do everything that we can do but true patience is understanding that the outcome is with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala but Allah has given us the responsibility to take the means that Allah has given to us Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has given us the responsibility to take advantage of anything we can do to remove harm from ourselves and from others.

The Prophetic Principle

The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he said:

"There should be neither harming nor reciprocating harm."

Reference: Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 2340

He said there is no causing of harm and there is no reciprocating harm. And I often think about the person who lets an innocent woman or an innocent man suffer in an abusive relationship and they are not removing the harm when they have the ability to do so. How many times do we allow people to suffer when we may have the means? Yeah it may be uncomfortable it may be difficult it may be hard for us to acknowledge these matters but we have the means to help this sister to help this brother. Wallahi there are sisters who are being battered in their house who are being beaten in their house and we have the ability to tell this sister get out of that situation immediately yet there are those of us who send her back to that same household for another night of beating or we send the children back to that same household to be beaten and abused by their father or sometimes their mother. How will we answer to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala for this grave injustice?

A Call to Action

You know we talk a lot about da'wah we talk a lot about calling people to Islam. How can we face the challenge of da'wah? How can we call to these big ideas when we can't even stand up for justice in our own households? What Islam are we preaching to people when we have children that are being abused we have women that are being abused we have men that are being abused? What type of Islam are we preaching when we cannot take care of our own weak? What type of Islam are we preaching when we cannot help those who may not be able to help themselves? Wallahi this is not my Islam and this is not the Islam of the Prophet salallahu alayhi wasalam.

This is from the basic principles of humanity is to remove harm from other people is to help someone when someone comes to you and they are in need even if you are not Muslim it is part of our fitrah it is part of our nature as human beings it is part of our humanity to feel something to want to remove hardship from other people to want to remove suffering from other people. So how is it that we let people suffer in silence? How is it that we can tell someone just go back and sit down and make da'wah? And wallahi it is not only a disservice to our humanity it is a disservice to the deen of Islam because da'wah indeed is very powerful and da'wah we know is the weapon of the believer but da'wah has to be made while taking the means.

Once again it is like that person who is making da'wah on the island and a boat comes to save him and he says no thanks. How good was his da'wah at that point? Did his da'wah help him? No because he rejected the help that Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala said to him.

Closing Message

And so I want to leave you with this and I want you to hear me out inshallah. If you are going through anything in life any type of difficulty any type of hardship I want you to hear me and I hope you understand that you don't have to suffer in silence that you know what I am here for you that your community is here for you and you know what Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala is here for you. Never let anyone tell you that you just have to bear it with patience if there is a means for you to change your situation. You don't have to suffer in silence. You can seek the help of others. You can seek my help and your community's help and of course the help of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala.

And Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala knows best.

Closing