The Sunnah of Paying Closer Attention to Those Around You

The Sunnah of Paying Closer Attention to Those Around You

By: Imam Omar Suleiman

Opening

A'udhu Billahi Minash Shaitanir Rajeem

I seek refuge with Allah from the accursed Satan

We begin by praising Allah by bearing witness that none has the right to be worshipped or unconditionally obeyed except for Him. And as we bear witness to His oneness, we bear witness that Muhammad (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ) is His final of many messengers. We ask Allah to send His peace and blessings upon him, the prophets and messengers that came before him, his family and companions that served alongside of him, and those that follow in their blessed example until the Day of Judgment.

And we ask Allah to make us amongst them. اللَّهُمَّ آمِينَ Allahuma Ameen.

Introduction: The Challenge of Truly Listening

Dear brothers and sisters, I remember one time in the early days of serving as an imam of Masjid Abu Bakr in New Orleans. One of the very first things that I encountered was a person coming to me asking a question, and they're coming to me having absolutely nothing to do with that question.

When you first take up an imam position, you're hyper-vigilant about getting everything right. And when someone asks you a question, you wanna make sure that you've dotted all of those boxes and made sure that you've done everything that you needed to do to respond in a way that displays competency on your part, so that no one catches you in an aha moment and says, this imam doesn't know what he's talking about.

And so a lot of times when people would come and ask questions, I would make sure that I answer the questions very specifically.

"Allah says and the Messenger says, give advice" and things of that sort.

Then I realized that 50% of the people that were coming with questions didn't really have questions.

A Personal Lesson in Understanding

And it took me some time to really recognize that, and I recognized that most when a very close friend of mine started to call me, and when he would call, he wasn't just a congregant, but he was a close friend,

he started to declare his own atheism and to say things about the deen and to say things about the religion and to say all these horrible things. And I didn't respond to him the way that he expected me to respond. And then I just thought to myself, you know what, let me let him just go ahead and blurt it all out.

And when he finished blurting it all out, it turned out he wasn't an atheist at all. He had no problem with Islam at all. He just wanted to trigger a reaction because he felt like he wasn't getting attention with his real problems.

And his problems more so were with the Muslim community than with the religion that that community is supposed to uphold. And I started to think about the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) in these instances.

The Call for Deep Awareness

One thing about our religion is that it teaches us to have a heightened sense of awareness and perception with everything around us. Not just people, everything.

"And none will remember except those of understanding."

The only people that will fully be able to gain an appreciation of the Qur'an are people of deep thought, introspection. So there is an internal call to process things at a deeper level, to spend more time absorbing what's given to you to rectify you on the inside.

But then things around you as well أُولُو الْأَلْبَابِ people of thought, people of perception, they just notice things, they have an attention to detail. Not an attention to detail that makes them overly critical, but an attention to detail that makes them overly concerned. And there is a distinction between the two because one of them can lead to extreme arrogance and pride and self-righteousness.

The other one can lead to extreme empathy and care and a great sense in da'wah, in giving people the message of Islam as well as serving people in accordance with the way the Messenger (صلى الله عليه وسلم) did, paying closer attention. So that attention to detail is something we're called to in the Qur'an. It's something that the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) taught us to have with everything.

The Prophet's Awareness of Missing People

And when we talk about people in particular, paying closer attention to people. Now we had several khutbas on the epidemic in our community of suicide and looking for signs and things of that sort. This is a lot more broader than that. And is a framing maybe through which that particular issue can be understood in a better way or can be dealt with in a better way.

The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) noticed when people were missing physically. Which if you think about it is pretty amazing considering who he was. He opens his door and he swarms (صلى الله عليه وسلم). From the moment he leaves his door to the time he reaches the minbar, the mihrab, to pray, to give his halaqa, he is followed (صلى الله عليه وسلم). People swarm him back to his house. They call out to him when he's at home. When he does his qiyam al-layl.

I mean if you just think about how invasive this is getting. When he prays his tahajjud, his qiyam al-layl, and he prays out loud, people would line up behind his door (صلى الله عليه وسلم) and join in with him. Just sort of how the taraweeh started to happen.

So there's a lot of people in his face (صلى الله عليه وسلم). And when a lot of people are in your face, it becomes that much easier to not recognize when someone's missing amongst them. But somehow, (صلی الله عليه وسلم) if someone was missing, the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) recognized and he asked. He didn't ask in a way of denigrating the person that was missing.

Or to suggest and imply. Like when someone says, I haven't seen that person in the masjid for a very long time. Yeah, I saw something on Facebook the other day. And I wonder if there's something going on there. And it starts and stops with mockery. And at no point is there an attempt to actually go say, hey, are you okay? Let me take you out to lunch. Let's talk about things. Let's actually catch up on things. It's just starting and ending with a sense of mockery. Even if it's very slick and it's insinuated.

The Messenger (صلى الله عليه وسلم) noticed when someone was missing from his congregation. So the man that wasn't around for some time and the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said, where is he? And they said, his son passed away. And the Messenger (صلى الله عليه وسلم) went to visit that man.

Uthman (رضي الله تعالى عنه) when Ruqayya (رضي الله تعالى عنها) passed away, the daughter of the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم). Uthman had a period where he wasn't showing up like he used to. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) went to him with compassion.

The Woman Who Cleaned the Masjid

The woman who used to clean the masjid that we always hear about. We always talk about the virtue of cleaning the masjid. And we've had a khutbah about that woman this year. About her life story and everything that happened before. But (سُبْحَانَ اللهِ) subhanallah, the fact that the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) even like physically noticed that she was missing the very next day, not after some time because the masjid was getting dirty. Like physically recognized that she wasn't there.

And the sahaba thought that she was too insignificant to wake the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) up for. But he noticed that she was missing from the masjid. So there's the physical sense like someone is not here that used to be here. Why are they not here anymore? And I should concern myself with that. If someone's missing from the community that used to be active in the community, let me ask, let me just

take that step to say, is everything okay with that person? Someone has to notice in the community collectively.

And (سُبْحَانَ اللهِ) subhanallah, sometimes that one person calling you when you think no one cares about you or no one has noticed is enough to really save you.

Understanding Beyond Physical Presence

So that's one way of paying closer attention, (عليه الصلاة والسلام) alayhi salatu wassalam. And the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) also demonstrated a heightened awareness of what was behind people's physical presence but emotional or mental absence. Or acting out of character.

Abu Hurairah (رضي الله عنه) the very famous hadith where he went out looking for food, but he was too shy to ask for food. So he went out and he asked Abu Bakr (رضي الله عنه) a question about tafsir, knowing what the ayah meant, but he wanted Abu Bakr to take note of his condition. Abu Bakr (رضي الله عنه) with all of his glory didn't notice.

Umar (رضي الله عنه) same thing. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) saw him and said:

يَا أَبَا هُرَيْرَةَ

"O Abu Hurairah"

Before Abu Hurairah could even make up the question, Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) looked at him and said, You're hungry, let's go. Let's go get some food.

So sometimes a person's in front of you asking a question and it's not about the question. They're wanting you to take note of something.

The Friday Prayer Example

The very famous story, and this is why the khilaf exists, the difference of opinion exists about praying two rak'ahs when you enter the masjid on Jumu'ah. Because the man entered the masjid and the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) told him to stand up and pray two rak'ahs. Those that say that that was the exception say the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) wanted the sahaba to note his state. Instead of saying like, Hey, he's poor, he needs help.

He wanted the sahaba to direct their attention to him to say, Oh, we need to spend on this man. We need to do something for this man. So there was that level of recognition.

Quranic Examples of Giving and Attention

And Allah (جل وعز) talks about the difference between the two in the Qur'an. When Allah talks about obligations in Surah Al-Ma'arij, Allah تعالى says:

"Who guard their mandatory prayers."

And then Allah (جل وعز) mentions along the line:

"And those within whose wealth is a right well-known, for the petitioner and the deprived."

For the one who petitions and asks, and for the one who is forbidden either by modesty or shyness or geographic location from asking, there's a written obligation.

Some of the ulama said, that's your zakah. The word (مَعْلُومٌ) a known written obligation refers to zakah or to a mandatory form of charity. And it fits the sequence of the ayat that Allah is talking about, mandatory prayers, hence, mandatory spending.

But then when Allah mentions in Surah Dhariyat, people of qiyam, people who stand up and pray at night:

"And in the hours before dawn they would ask forgiveness."

The very next ayah, Allah mentions:

"And from their properties was [given] a right for the beggar and the deprived."

The word (مَعْلُومٌ) is missing, the word written is missing. And the scholars mentions that the reason why that word is missing here is because that's a person of ihsan, that's a person of excellence, that's a person who's going the extra mile. He's actually looking for people that are in need, that maybe are prevented for some reason from asking.

And so in Dhariyat, these are people that are voluntarily awake while most people sleep. So they pay attention to the creator while most people don't. Likewise, they pay attention to the creation while other people don't.

With the creator, with voluntary salah. With the creation, with voluntary sadaqah. They go out of their way with the voluntary prayer and then the voluntary charity, looking for people that are in need but do not have the capacity for some reason to ask or are shy and don't want to be in a position where they have to ask.

This is a person of ihsan, this is a person of excellence.

هَلْ جَزَاءُ الْإِحْسَانِ إِلَّا الْإِحْسَانُ

"Is the reward for good [anything] but good?" (Quran 55:60)

The Hidden Poor

And it comes down to a very powerful verse where Allah عز وجل describes this phenomenon in the community of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم . He says:

"[Charity is] for the poor who have been restricted for the cause of Allah, unable to move about in the land. An ignorant [person] would think them self-sufficient because of their restraint, but you will know them by their [characteristic] sign. They do not ask people persistently [or at all]."

That there are people, those poor people, that have been restricted. They don't have the means to go out for the sake of Allah. And what does Allah say? A person who is ignorant of them would see them and would think that they are (أَغْنِيَاءَ - agniya), they're wealthy, they're self-sufficed. Because of what? (التَّعَفُّفِ) those people's modesty.

And the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم commented on this ayah. He said, the people that are in need are not the people that come to you (يَطُوفُونَ عَلَيْكُمْ فَتُعْطُونَهُمْ) make rounds on you, and they ask for a tamar and a piece of bread here and there, a date and a piece of bread here and there, and you give them a date and you give them a piece of bread. He said the people that are really in need are the ones that would never ask you for anything.

"They just don't ask. They keep it to themselves."

Because that's their means of qurb, of closeness to Allah, or modesty, or it's just... No one likes to be vulnerable.

In any way, financially, emotionally, mentally, physically, no one likes vulnerability. So they just don't want to say anything. They'll take the pain. Instead.

سُبْحَانَ اللهِ SubhanAllah, there was an elderly person that was with me in Hajj this year. And this elderly lady, and she refuses to say that she's in pain until it's just complete collapse. He said, why didn't you say anything? Your knees are shot and you've been going through it. No one likes to be vulnerable, right? And Allah عز وجل describes that as a praiseworthy trait. And Allah does not blame those people.

Allah puts it on the community. And what does Allah say?

"An ignorant person would think they're all good, everything is fine. Because of their modesty."

But what does Allah عز وجل say right after that?

"But if you pay close enough attention, you'll recognize the signs."

Just like when Allah talks about:

"The signs of prostration on a person who frequently prays, who frequently worships Allah."

You don't have a quantity there, but if you pay close enough attention, there are signs of prostration and righteousness on a person.

There is (فِي فِرَاسَةِ الْمُؤْمِنِ نُورٌ يَرَى بِهِ)

(Source Name)

The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم mentioned: "That a person who has insight, deep insight, and he sees with the light of Allah, notices things."

So Allah puts it back on the community and says (تَعْرِفُهُم بِسِيمَاهُمْ) If you're paying close enough attention, you'll find signs, you'll see things that you should be seeing.

The Community's Responsibility

So the blame is on the community to pay closer attention. And there is no person who did not show that vulnerability more than the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم and the sahaba assumed he's superhuman. When Umar رضي الله عنه walks up to the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم during a khandaq, during the battle of the trench, and shows the Prophet peace be upon him his stomach with a stone tied to it, he's assuming things about the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم that somehow the Prophet peace be upon him must be fed.

When the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم lifts up his shirt, it's, oh, you're starving too. He has two stones tied there as well. But you didn't notice. There's this expectation of the Prophet peace be upon him to be superhuman in that regard.

And how did that play out? Because vulnerabilities of different layers and charities of different layers. When Ibrahim, the son of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم died, and the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم cried, what did the sahaba say? (وَأَنْتَ يَا رَسُولَ اللهِ) "Wa anta ya Rasulullah?" Like, you too are a messenger of Allah? Like, wait, you cry? This hurts you? Right? As if you should not cry.

Because you're not supposed to be vulnerable. You're not supposed to have that. And the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم demonstrated that in some vulnerability there's mercy. There's goodness in that vulnerability. Because that same place of vulnerability that made the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم cry after the death of Ibrahim, made the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم love him when he was alive.

So there's some goodness in that rahmah that Allah put in his heart, that mercy that Allah put in his heart, that doesn't lead to a questioning of Allah's decree, but leads him to act in a certain way with the people that are around them. So it's, you too, Ya Rasulullah? Wait a minute, but no, you can't be like that. Look deeper. Pay closer attention.

Understanding the Context Behind Questions

And this is something that plays itself out beyond even vulnerability. Abdullah bin Abbas رضي الله عنهما when he sat, and two people came to ask him the same question. Language, again.

The question was by two people in the same sitting, if I murder someone, would I have a chance at redemption, a chance of forgiveness from Allah? And Ibn Abbas said to the first person, yes, and to the second person, no. Think about it. If Shaykh Yasser was sitting here and you were in a gathering and someone came and said, if I killed someone, is there a chance of tawbah? Is there a chance of forgiveness? And he said yes to the first person, and a second person shows up in the same gathering and asks the same question, and he says no.

You would think something is wrong with the Shaykh. Ibn Abbas رضي الله عنهما what happens with him? Students are puzzled. What did Ibn Abbas recognize? He said it might have been the same question, but the place that the question was coming from was very different for those two people.

The person who asked if there is forgiveness is someone that fell in a sin, and is wanting to know if Allah will forgive him. He's already basically committed it. He's fallen into it. And Ibn Abbas had the intelligence and the presence to recognize that, to pay attention. It's not just fiqh as in the jurisprudence, the ruling of halal and haram, what's lawful and prohibited. Fiqh is so much more than that.

It means understanding. It's more than just being able to issue a fatwa based on a halal and haram obligation and prohibition. That's why Ibn Abbas is such a faqih, he's such a jurist. Said, no, but that first person, he actually did it, and he's wondering if there is a path back to Allah. Second person is wondering if he does do it, will there be a path back to Allah? So I wanted to deter him from committing that crime.

That's beyond just text. There is another place where that question is coming from, and I need to, if I'm in a position of giving advice, or giving knowledge, I need to be willing to have the patience to actually pay closer attention, and actually see where it's coming from, rather than just respond in a textbook way.

People are not textbooks. People are people. You take the text and apply it to people, you don't apply people to text. There's a very different way of doing those things. So that's something that even plays out

in our juristic tradition, in the tradition of the fuqaha.

Dealing with Aggressive Behavior

And the most difficult thing in the world to deal with here, when it comes to people that are saying something, or doing something, or there's behavior that's not normal, is when that behavior is someone lashing out at you. Someone saying something to you. Someone that's showing anger and arrogance, and it's towards you.

Those are the most difficult people to show a little bit of compassion and understanding with, and to say, where is that really coming from? Unfortunately, in the world, the toxic world of social media, you know, people write each other off, and curse each other, and insult each other, over one status, or one tweet, or one post, or one whatever it is that's out there. Now, you've written them off. If that was your brother or your sister, you'd care enough to wonder where that came from.

But because it's not someone you're treating like a brother or a sister, it's you found something to pounce on. Pounce on it. Eat them alive. Because we don't have mercy with each other. But now, when someone's actually doing that to you, whether in person, online, someone is demonstrating abrasive behavior, aggressive behavior, saying something that's insulting towards you. I don't want to leave you from this khutbah just thinking like, man, we're really horrible, and we need to learn some emotional intelligence, and be like the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم . Something very practical that I hope you guys can take inshallah.

Three Ways to Respond: Tone, Argument, or Grievance

When someone addresses you, you as in you individually, or as part of a collective, and is angry or aggressive, you can do one of three things. You could address the tone, you could address the argument, or you could address the grievance. And those are three very different things.

The tone would be to check the person's aggressiveness, and to talk about how inappropriate it is, and to shut it down. The argument would be to actually try to dissect in a rational way, something that's coming from an irrational place most likely, and try to shut down the argument so that you can win the argument, right? Or show the faultiness in the way of thinking that's been illustrated in the bad tone. And you can do that and portray yourself to be very righteous.

The grievance is to actually ask where is it coming from? Where does that come from? Right And سُبْحَانَ الله subhanallah, you know, from a tazkiyah perspective, just from our spirituality perspective, a nafsani attack, which is a low base, the nafs, which is the surface level, humanity that comes out in its worst way, right? Pride. If someone gives you what appears to be a very prideful attack, you could respond with a prideful response. Nafs for nafs.

It's nafsani and it's nafsani. It's prideful and it's prideful. And that says something about who you are. And you have to ask yourself, why was I so taken aback? Why did I feel like I had to be more aggressive to the person who was speaking aggressively to me? What does that say about me that my nafs automatically was the first thing that responded to the nafs?

Or argument, it could be aql, right? My brain to his or her brain. Let me just keep it aqliyan. Keep it to the aql. Keep it to the argument, the intellect. Address the argument. But that's not the time for that. And the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم knew when there's a time and place for things. You don't teach people rational things when people are inherently in an irrational space. You're not gonna convey anything intellectual. You're not gonna actually change anyone's mind about anything. No one's mind changes when they're in pain.

Or your heart could respond to their heart. Your qalb could respond to their qalb. Your heart could respond to their heart. You say, you know what? Where is that coming from? What is that really about? And not in a dismissive way to belittle someone but to say, I'm going to actually forego right now the tone even if it's aggressive towards me.

The argument, we can get to that later because it's usually not a life or death situation to correct that argument right then and there. But that pain is imminent. It's a danger right now. And I care enough about my brother or my sister and I have enough humility to where I can actually pay attention to that. And let that be the focus of the moment. Tone, argument, grievance.

Example from the Prophet's Life

An example from the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم and then I'll end. When the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم was sitting with his sahaba in his house and Aisha رضي الله عنها it was in Aisha's house and one of the wives of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم sent a bowl of food as a slight at Aisha رضي الله عنها . Aisha walks in the middle of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم and the male companions picks up the plate of food and shatters it.

There is a tone which I think all of us would, if we were in that situation, would have lost it. There is a fiqhi element of that. You broke her plate so now you need to send her back a plate which is the ramifications of your actions and needs to be dealt with.

But what did the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم choose to address in the moment?

"Your mother became jealous."

He addressed the grievance. He addressed the غَيْرَة ghayrah. He acknowledged it and he dealt with that first صلى الله عليه وسلم. Didn't make the situation more tense than it had to be.

Then he told Aisha رضي الله عنها once things kind of calmed down a little bit, send her back a plate. You broke her plate. Your emotion might have been valid but you acted in an invalid way.

So first, validify or talk about the grievance and the emotion then talk about the illegitimate way that the emotion was acted upon. That's usually where the argument comes out. There is no good in inserting your nafs and your arrogance and your pride into a place where that's already become the dominating factor or feature of that interaction or of that space.

Practical Applications

And the most difficult thing in the world to deal with here, when it comes to people that are saying something, or doing something, or there's behavior that's not normal, is when that behavior is someone lashing out at you. Someone saying something to you. Someone that's showing anger and arrogance, and it's towards you.

Those are the most difficult people to show a little bit of compassion and understanding with, and to say, where is that really coming from? Unfortunately, in the toxic world of social media, you know, people write each other off, and curse each other, and insult each other, over one status, or one tweet, or one post, or one whatever it is that's out there. Now, you've written them off. If that was your brother or your sister, you'd care enough to wonder where that came from.

But because it's not someone you're treating like a brother or a sister, it's you found something to pounce on. Pounce on it. Eat them alive. Because we don't have mercy with each other. But now, when someone's actually doing that to you, whether in person, online, someone is demonstrating abrasive behavior, aggressive behavior, saying something that's insulting towards you. I don't want to leave you from this khutbah just thinking like, man, we're really horrible, and we need to learn some emotional intelligence, and be like the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم . Something very practical that I hope you guys can take inshallah.

How many marriages would be saved if we knew when our husband or our wife just had a really bad day at work or with the kids or whatever it may be and acted or said something that really was out of place. But I as a husband or a wife showed enough compassion and said, you know what? You probably had a bad day. What can I do? What do you want? What is it that can make you happier today? What can I do to actually show you that love and that care and that compassion? That's what the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم taught us.

Closing

We ask Allah جل جلاله to put that in our hearts to allow us to recognize those situations when they are in front of us and to act in a way that is most in accordance with the sunnah of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم in those situations. اللَّهُمَّ آمِينَ Allahumma ameen.

Alhamdulillahi rabbil alameen wa salatu wa salamu ala rasulihi'l-kareem wa ala alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam tasliman kathira

All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds, and prayers and peace upon His noble Messenger and upon his family and companions with abundant peace.

Allahumma ghfir lil mu'minina wa'l-mu'minat wa'l-muslimin wa'l-muslimat al-ahya'i minhum wa'l-amwat innaka sami'un qareebun mujeebul da'awat

O Allah, forgive the believing men and women and the Muslim men and women, the living among them and the dead. Indeed, You are Hearing, Near, and Responsive to supplications.

"Our Lord, we have wronged ourselves, and if You do not forgive us and have mercy upon us, we will surely be among the losers."

"Indeed, Allah orders justice and good conduct and giving [help] to relatives and forbids immorality and bad conduct and oppression. He admonishes you that perhaps you will be reminded."

"So remember Allah and He will remember you. And be grateful to Him for His favors and He will increase you. And the remembrance of Allah is greater. And Allah knows what you do."

"And establish salah."