The Other Side

The Other Side

By Sh. Omar Suleiman

Opening

"[Peace, mercy, and blessings of Allah be upon you.]"

"[I seek refuge in Allah from the accursed Satan.]"

"[In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.]"

"[All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds. And there is no aggression except against the oppressors, and there is no good outcome except for those of taqwa. O Allah, send Your peace and blessings upon Your servant and messenger, Muhammad ﷺ, and upon his family and companions, with many blessings.]"

Introduction: Switching Topics

So I've never done this before in terms of switching the topics on the stage. And those of you who know me, I kind of, I usually get a little bit harsh on the speakers that do. But honestly, I just, subhanAllah, listening to Ustad Nouman speak had a lot of influence on me. SubhanAllah, when he's talking about this concept of the father-son relationship, and you know what? When we're talking about that, we really do kind of need to balance the equation.

I'm not Pakistani, so I can't take shots at Pakistani fathers. But your reputation hasn't fared very well today. But you know what? SubhanAllah, it's absolutely true that the parents need to reach out.

A Powerful Incident

And you know, one incident struck me while he was speaking. This was the most powerful incident that I've ever witnessed in my short career as imam. Last six years, a father walks into my office with his daughter.

His daughter is 18 years old. She drives a Lexus. She refuses to call him dad.

Now just like what Ustad Nouman said, when he walks in with her, obviously the first thing is just berating her, going off on her. What kind of daughter is this? Didn't she read this in the Qur'an? Didn't she read that in the Qur'an? And basically giving her the advices that he feels like I should give her. And obviously she hated me from the start.

But you know what? SubhanAllah, she said something to him that changed my life forever. And I ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى - subhanahu wa ta'ala) not to allow me to fall into this with my own daughter. Because one of the arguments that he was making was that, "I bought you your car, I gave you everything you wanted. When

you were a child, everything that you asked for, you got. If your friends wanted something and you just implied that you wanted it, I bought it for you too."

And you know what she said? She said, "Dad, I didn't want all of that. I just wanted a dad."

SubhanAllah, those words struck me. And I mean, I cannot illustrate how much I truly felt, you know, the need for us to show compassion to our children.

The Other Side of the Equation

But you know what? There is the other side of the equation too. And yes, the topic was eyes on the prize. And honestly, what I had in mind, you know, when I was talking about eyes on the prize, is all of these elaborate ahadith and the shi'ar of Ibn al-Qayyim رَحِمَةُ اللَّهُ and those types of things.

But there is something that I feel like needs to be connected to brother Nu'man's talk. And I actually took permission from the program coordinators right before, just now, and I took permission from brother Nu'man too, to talk about the other side too. Not just for Pakistani parents, but for every set of parents.

The Importance of Birr al-Walidain

Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى - subhanahu wa ta'ala) stresses to us so many times in the Qur'an, the importance of birr al-walidain. Obeying, honoring, respecting our parents. Al-Imam al-Qayyim رَحِمَةُ اللَّهُ he says something very interesting.

When we're talking about how you raise your kids, and what you should do when you raise your kids, and listening to them, and those types of things. Al-Imam al-Qayyim رَحِمَةُ اللَّهُ he starts off his dialogue, his discussion on this subject by saying the following. He says that, if you have a child that's disobedient to you, the asl, the default, is usually that you messed up.

Let me put it to you this way. Not every single parent who has a disobedient child is at fault. Not every single parent who has a child that grows up with this horrible temper, that grows up not to love the deen the way that they did, is at fault. Nuh عَلَيْهِ السَّلَامُ is the primary example of that. But the vast majority of the time that is the case.

Human Nature and Relationships

Al-Imam al-Qayyim رَحِمَةُ الله he says that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى - subhanahu wa ta'ala) has created every single human being in a very selfish way. We treat everyone essentially like HMOs, like it's a business contract. What I want to do when I establish a friendship, when I establish any relationship in this life, is I want to extract maximum benefit from you, while giving you the minimum, just like an insurance company. I want you to give me as much as you can, and every relationship I will put in that same light.

How much do I get from you and how much do I have to give? Whenever that equation tilts the other way, then all of a sudden I'm gonna start acting differently. Let me put it to you this way. Have you ever had a friend that did something really good for you, that was there for you in your time of need, but whenever it came time for them, when they were in a state of emotional vulnerability, and they kept on calling your phone, eventually you just got sick of it and you said, I'm not gonna answer this call anymore.

This is getting draining. This relationship is draining. Even though at your time of need they were there for you, this relationship is draining. I can't handle this anymore. You stop answering your phone. You start avoiding that person in public. Why? Because you're no longer on the receiving end. You're too far on the giving end now.

The Hadith on Gratitude

(Tirmidhi 1954)

"Whoever does not thank people, is not grateful to people, will never be grateful to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى - subhanahu wa ta'ala)."

But listen to what Imam al-Qayyim said that's so beautiful. He said that that hadith can also be flipped. Whoever is not grateful to people, will not be grateful to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى - subhanahu wa ta'ala). And just like whoever is not grateful to people will not be grateful to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى - subhanahu wa ta'ala) whoever is not grateful to Allah will never be grateful to people.

Think about that for a moment. A lot of times parents come and they say, how can I make my children love me? What is going to keep your child in your corner? What is going to keep your child loving you? And responding to every one of your requests. When the time comes where you are the one who needs your diapers changed. When you are now in the dependent phase. What will keep them in that state except for being grateful to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى - subhanahu wa ta'ala).

The Key to Children's Love

Understanding the command from Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى - subhanahu wa ta'ala) to respond with that same mercy with even greater mercy and compassion. So Imam al-Qayyim puts it point blank.

You want your kids to be good to you? You want your kids to never forsake you? Teach them to love Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى - subhanahu wa ta'ala). Teach them to be thankful to Allah. Teach them to be grateful to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى - subhanahu wa ta'ala). If you can succeed in instilling in them the love of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى - subhanahu wa ta'ala) when they get older they are going to love you too. Because Allah commands them to do that.

Otherwise it's just going to be a business relationship. Otherwise my sense of courtesy to you is putting you in the best nursing home available. But I don't want you anywhere near me because you are a drain on me now.

That's the most hurtful thing that a parent can hear later on in life. When the kids neglect them. Now coming back to the kids. And by the way when I say kids I mean all of us are kids. Sometimes your parents are very, very, very irrational. Sometimes your parents will actually make mistakes when you get older.

When Parents Make Mistakes

But you know what, that's not the default. And even when they make mistakes you have to be able to have a memory that spans longer than two weeks. And subhanAllah al adheem one of the major things you know sometimes we have this situation where I once had a parent and a child come to me and they were disputing over something.

And the child had the right with them. The haq was with the child. He knew what he was doing in that situation. He had the Qur'an, he had the sunnah, he had all the proof with him. And the parent was wrong. And he came with his father and he humiliated his father in front of me.

And I was like, you know what, you might have won this debate. You might have won this argument. But how many times in the past were you wrong? How many times were you completely irrational? And your parents put up with it, out of love for you.

The Turkish Commercial

Now there is a commercial that I saw once and I think it's a Turkish commercial, I couldn't understand the language. But subhanAllah it's a very powerful commercial. And have any of you ever seen that video, that clip on YouTube of the father sitting with the son and the bird is flying around? Raise your hand if you've seen that.

It's an extremely powerful video. So the father and the son are sitting down with each other. The son is reading a book and there is a bird, a sparrow, that's flying around.

So the dad goes, "What's that?" And he goes, "A sparrow." And then the bird flies around again and he goes, "What's that?" He says, "It's a sparrow." And the bird flies around again and he says, "What's that?" He says, "It's a sparrow."

And then he spells it out I guess in their language, S-P-A, you know, he spells it out in their language, double R-O-W just in case he thought I couldn't spell. I did have to think about it for a moment, I'm not going to lie though. It's a sparrow.

Then he asks for a fourth time, "What's that?" And his son starts to yell at him, starts to scream at him, "Why are you doing this? What's your problem? Can't you see that it's a bird? Can't you see that it's a sparrow?" What does the dad do? The dad gets up and leaves. Then he comes back later on and he brings a book. He hands the book to his son.

Wallahi, this brought tears to my eyes. I mean this video, like, it really hit me. Because I reflected on my own childhood. He handed him the book and he pointed to it and he said, read out loud. So he read out loud and that was the diary of his father. And the father was writing:

"Today I took my little boy to the park. He asked me, while a sparrow was flying by, 'What's that?' 21 times. Every time he asked me, I responded to him. And I didn't get angry with him. And I picked him up and I hugged him."

SubhanAllah, think about that for a moment. What happens? What happens? Where is the rahmah? Where is the mercy? Where is the compassion? Where is the appreciation? And yes, sometimes now when you've gotten old and your parents have moved on and you've moved on and you're trying to progress in your life and your parents are getting old and senile. And by the way, you make them senile before they actually turn senile. Sometimes at that situation, yes, they're wrong.

The Issue of Marriage

Sometimes, you know, this son, this daughter wants to get married to somebody. And they have perfect justification to get married. Now by the way, as a side note, the parents that stop their kids from getting married to people because of race, because of class, because that person's grandfather didn't ride a donkey with my grandfather in India or in Palestine or something like that. What did Rasulullah صَلَّى الله عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ say would happen as a result?

(Tirmidhi 1084)

"If someone comes to you, deen and khuluq, his character are satisfying to you, you better marry your daughter to that person."

(Tirmidhi 1084)

"If you don't do that, what's gonna happen? There will be fitna, tests, tribulations, and fasaad, lots of corruption."

That corruption is not talking about hundreds and hundreds of years from now. That corruption is talking about now. Because everything is balanced, right? I had a hafidh of Quran, hafidh of Quran, who wanted to marry a brother for his deen. Father stepped in the way and stopped. Why? Because he was Palestinian, and she was from Pakistan. It's not gonna happen. You know what happened to that girl? She left him and she left the deen. And she ran off with a kafir.

Fasaad, it shows. But now that's an extreme example. I'm talking about son, daughter, when you wanna get married, when you found someone who excites you, when you found someone who you're in love with, and oh, they're so perfect, and mashallah, she's so religious, she prays 5 times a day, mashallah, she fasts Ramadan, even when she's on her period.

All kinds of weird stuff. Where do you come from? And subhanallah, when you're in love, when you're infatuated, you'll make that person religious even if they're not religious. Sometimes brothers will be coming up to me, saying, like, "Sheikh, I found the perfect girl. Really? Oh, man, she loves Allah so much. She's wonderful. When we talk on the phone all night, we only talk about deen."

Important Advice to Youth

Alright. Okay, fine. Now what happens? Imam al-Qayyim said something beautiful. He said, it is amazing that the human being is so forgetful.

As Imam al-Shafi'i said, he was not named insan except for his forgetfulness. It's so amazing that he would be able to forget a relationship that started with his existence for 20-30 years and forsake that relationship in favor of a two-month relationship.

Unbelievable. I'm not talking about the extreme example. Mom, dad, you step in the way and you stop your kids from getting married to a person because of some racist reason or because of something that's not because of deen and khuluq, you're gonna pay the price. I'm telling you that from now no matter what I say here. But I'm appealing to the children now. How many times have I had kids come up to me? I cannot count.

Says, "Sheikh, in the Hanafi fiqh, the wali doesn't really count." First of all, that's a misconception. In the Hanafi fiqh, the wali doesn't matter. I don't need the wali's approval. Or "Sheikh, I'm the son. I don't need anybody's approval. I'm the man in this house."

The Example of Abu Bakr

You know what Abu Bakr رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ did? He saw his son, Abdullah, in love with his wife, started missing out on halaqah, started missing out on going to battle, and he said, "Divorce her." He divorced her. Then he came back to him and he said, "Okay, you can marry her again. I just wanted to teach you a lesson." That's Abu Bakr as-Siddiq رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ

Where is your gratefulness? Which relationship counts more? Again, parents are many times guilty. But I'm talking about the brother who has a whole sea of sisters. The sister who has a whole sea of brothers. And there are plenty of fish in the sea. There are plenty of hijabis in the masjid. There are plenty of bearded men in the masjid too.

You can find somebody that you want and fulfills your criteria. No, it's gotta be that one. Because you established the haram relationship, you're paying the price and your parents will probably pay the price too.

Don't give up a relationship of 20 years, 30 years, because somebody excited you over a few months. Think about this. Go back as far as you can.

Allah's Command About Parents

And what does Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى remind us of? I want you to think about this. Does Allah tell us in the Qur'an to love our mother only, our father only, or both of our parents? Both, right? And in fact, I remember brother Nauman did a very beautiful analysis of this. The difference between walidain and um and ab.

Walidain is someone who gives birth to you. Um or ab is someone who actually had a part in being your mother and father. Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى commanded you to have honor, to show honor to who?

Both of your parents, the ones that gave you birth to, even the ones that you don't like, even the one that didn't get you a playstation when you wanted it. Show them respect. Show them love. But what does Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى says? What does Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى say next?

"His mother held him."

In another place, Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى says:

Pain on top of pain. Holding him in pain. Giving birth to him in pain. Going through all of that. She already acquired the right to be your Umm. She already acquired the right to be your mother and to be loved and respected.

If she does nothing else for you for the rest of your life, she already has enough of a right on you. She does nothing else for the rest of her life. She should. She'd be a bad mother if she doesn't. But she's still your mother. Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى says what? He mentions specifically the toil that she went through.

The Reality of Our Forgetfulness

Why? Because you weren't there. You were there but you didn't really know what was going on. You don't have a video camera. Imagine if our mothers carried cameras around for 9 months. Every single cry, every single scream in labor. Everything that happened afterwards. All the depression that comes afterwards. All of that hardship. When they literally give their life for your life.

Imagine if there was a video camera for all of that. And you watch that. You might feel pretty rotten at the end of that. But the point is, dear brothers and sisters, Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى reminds us of that in the

Qur'an. Meaning what? Allah is giving you your history. Just in case you forgot.

This was the woman that carried you.

The Hadith of Carrying the Mother

Abdullah ibn Umar رَضِيَ اللهُ عَنْهُ a man approached him. Most of us say the hadith is mawkuf to Abdullah ibn Umar. Some say Rasulullah صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ . A man comes to him, what? He says, "I carried my mother on my back throughout Hajj." Think about that for a moment.

That's before they had all the cooling tiles. That's before they had the spoiled Americans including us who go there and whine about the buffets not having enough variety. And the AC and all this, you know the article that just came out that said Mecca looks more like Las Vegas now.

That's before that. Before that. That's when standing on that ground would burn your feet. You know my father, may Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى preserve him. He moved to Medina in the 50s. He used to tell me in Hajj, they're just doing this in salah the whole time.

That's when it was hot. Imagine back then. And what was the answer? "Have I repaid my mother?"

"Not even for one shout in labor."

You think that's a big deal? Try holding someone in your stomach for nine months and then giving birth to them. You think that's hard? Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى is saying give them back at least what they gave you. At least show them the same love and respect that they showed to you.

The Example of Zayn al-Abideen

Then you go to the lives of the salaf, the tabi'een, you see some beautiful examples. Zayn al-Abideen, رَحِمَهُ اللَّهُ تَعَالَى Ali ibn al-Hussain, the great grandson of the Messenger صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ . And his nickname was Zayn al-Abideen, the beauty of the worshippers. SubhanAllah, look at this khuluq.

One day he's sitting with his mother and they're eating food. And he brings the food and he puts it and he sits in front of her. And he doesn't want to eat until she finishes eating. Think about that. He says, "You eat first. You finish your food first."

She says, "Go ahead, eat. Eat, oh my son, eat with me." He says, "No, you eat first."

He says, "I don't want to touch anything that your eye might have fallen on." Think about that. Why is he saying that?

The Pizza Example

When you're a child, let me put you in this situation. If Baba brings home a box of pizza and you're starving and you haven't had anything to eat all day. I'm talking specifically to the mothers right now and I'm talking to the kids who should remember this by the way. And there is one slice of pizza left after all the kids come and tear it up like monsters.

And the mother waits till the end. And it's not just the Pakistani father. I'm gonna let you guys off the hook. We eat much more than our wives usually. We're very inconsiderate even with food sometimes, right? One slice of pizza left. Just as she's about to take a bite, if the child goes, what are you gonna do mom? Are you gonna say, "No, I'm hungry. You ate two slices already." What are you gonna do? "Here, take it." No hesitation.

No hesitation. So now when you've gotten older, show that same love and respect. You know, we were talking about the concept of marriage.

The Example of Imam Ahmad

Does anyone know what age Imam Ahmad got married at? You know, we get really impatient at 20 years old. At 20 years old, it's like, "Mom, dad, if I don't get married now, I'm gonna go commit zina. I promise. See that girl on the street? I'm gonna do it."

And the parents, of course, make, again, balance. They make it very, very, very hard to get married because you have to be a 32-year-old Hyderabadi dermatologist to marry my daughter. Or a 29-year-old plastic surgeon from Ramallah in Palestine to marry my daughter.

But Imam Ahmad رَحِمَةُ الله and he said this isn't sunnah. He said it clearly. He said, "Look, you guys don't listen. Don't think I'm doing this out of sunnah." He refused to get married till his mom passed away.

He said, "Because if I get married before she passes away, I won't give her her right." Told the students, "It's not sunnah. You get married, but I can't do it."

SubhanAllah. Till his late 30s. And it wasn't like whenever she passed away, he's like, "Alhamdulillah, she's gone. I can get married now." No, no. Even when he went to look for a wife, his aunt, Maymuna, she asked him, "What should we look for?" And he said, "A woman that resembles my mom."

SubhanAllah, that's love. Showing it back. Showing it back. Giving back that mercy. Giving back that love. They were there for you. You should be there for them too.

Personal Reflection on Loss

And SubhanAllah, in this society which only feasts upon those feelings, where we really just don't care. SubhanAllah, they get older and we lose it. Let me tell you something. I lost my mother four years ago. The worst time of my life.

And anyone who tells you that it's going to get easier was lying to you. Anyone who tells you that crying makes you feel better was lying to you. It's the toughest thing that you could ever do. Toughest thing that you could ever go through is burying that person at the time of death. But you know what I've observed in most janazahs? You know which people are usually crying the most at janazahs? Let's say that a woman has six kids. You know which kids are going to be the ones crying most at the janazah? Going, "Mama, come back."

Who does that? The kids that treated them like trash when they were living. And then if their dads are living still, they go do the same thing to their dads even after that. They didn't learn the lesson.

Zayd ibn Thabit's Wisdom

Or Zayd ibn Thabit رَضِيَ اللهُ عَنْهُ when his mother passed away, he cried and he said, "One of my gates of jannah has been closed. Woe to me if I don't rush to the other one." Think about this. You're in a room and there's only two gates to jannah. One of them closes. What are you supposed to do? Hurry up and run to the other one.

Don't make the same mistake twice. Think about that. Don't make the same mistake twice. If you lost one, don't make the same mistake twice. If you haven't lost anyone, hold on to them. Because at that moment of death, if you have this much heart, you're going to remember even when you were seven years old and you closed the door in her face, or you conveniently acted like you didn't hear, it's going to hurt. It's going to hurt really bad. Don't put yourself in that situation.

The Moment of Realization

And you know, subhanAllah, the moment that I really realized how much my parents meant to me was the moment that my daughter was born. When my baby was born, youth, I especially want you guys to listen to this. When my daughter was born, the first thing I did was I picked up my phone and I called my dad and I was bawling like a little baby and I said, "Dad, I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

My dad's like, "For what?" I'm like, "Dad, I'm sorry. I didn't realize it. I didn't know."

"For what?" "Dad, I'm sorry." And my dad likes to play around. My dad's like, "Omar, stop being stupid."

In that accent. I'm like, "Dad, I'm sorry." He's like, "Was she born?" He thought that I was calling to say that there was a miscarriage.

"Dad, I'm sorry. What? She's dead? What happened? Is your wife okay?" I'm like, "No, Dad, I just realized what kind of parent you were." SubhanAllah.

That moment, when you've got your own and you realize this is going to be a long journey. Terrible truths never end, right? It's going to be a long journey.