Laws of Love

The Bankrupt Person

And so this person, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says, he comes on the day of judgment, he has all of the outward actions and manifestations of deen:

"But he slandered this person, he hit this person, he was rude to this person, he backbit this person."

So what happens, all of those people then come, and the only currency that exists on the day of judgment is what? Your deeds, so he's giving his good deeds to that person, so those people that he harmed, because of his bad character, they're coming and they're taking all of his good deeds, until he runs out of everything, all of his good deeds, and the only thing left are his sins, and so he has nothing left to give, right?

And so the people that he hurt would come to him, and they would start giving their sins to him, they start putting their sins on him, look at the situation of this person, this is who the person, Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam called on the day of judgment is:

"The bankrupt person. Do you know who the bankrupt person is?"

A person who's completely bankrupt.

The Prophet's Character

Now all of this tells us something very important, that whenever we look for a spouse, when we look for deen, that does not necessarily mean I look for the one who memorizes the most Qur'an, that does not necessarily mean I look for the one who is the most strict, right? Or the most conservative, because sometimes people have those things, but they don't have good character, and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was as Aisha radiallahu ta'ala anha described him:

"His character was the Qur'an."

He was a Qur'an walking on the face of the earth, meaning what? The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was such a pleasant person, subhanallah, he wasn't just receiving legislation, no, you could, there have been books written about the romance of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, you know, the character of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, the etiquette of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

And you can imagine, whenever the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said:

(Sunan at-Tirmidhi Hadith 3895)

"The best amongst you is he who is best to his wife."

Umm Salama radiallahu ta'ala anha said:

"You told the truth, O Messenger of Allah."

Meaning what? When your wife testifies on your behalf and says, yes, he was an incredible human being, and it wasn't because the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was alive, because even after he passed away, it would still be said (صَدَقْتَ يَا رَسُولَ اللهِ) you told the truth, O Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

Because deen to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was not just legislation, was not just ritualistic in its nature, it was not just superficial in its nature, because if you reduce deen to that, then it becomes just like beauty, just like wealth, just like other types of status, it becomes superficial in its nature, and it's no longer worth pursuit.

SubhanAllah, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was a pleasant person, right:

"He sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was always smiling and laughing."

This is an amazing hadith that Aisha radiallahu anha describes the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he was always smiling, and he was always laughing, and the laugh of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was just a very large smile, right, but not only that, but Aisha radiallahu anha said, (بَسَّامًا صَحّاكًا) which means that not only was he always smiling, he would make everyone around him smile, subhanallah, that's what (بَسَّاما) means.

He wasn't just (بَسَّامًا) and (ضحًاكًا), not only was he always laughing in his way sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, everyone around him was laughing sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, meaning he was a pleasant individual sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, people loved to keep his company, people were not afraid of him, people did not want to stay away from him.

What to Look for in Marriage

So when you go looking for deen, what is it that you're looking for? You're looking for the deen from the outward aspect of practice, and you're looking for the inward beauty, the internal beauty, or at least that which is apparent of it, in terms of actions and character and good behaviour and good morals, and those are the things that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam told us to look for.

Are the other things permissible, and you would notice that when the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he said that you could marry a person for their beauty, physical attraction, or you could marry a person for their status, or you could marry a person for their wealth, or you could marry them for their deen, you could marry them for their faith, and Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said:

(Sahih al-Bukhari Hadith 5090)

"Choose the one with deen, may your hands be covered in dust."

And subhanAllah, this is something that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam has shown, is giving us the mercy and wisdom of Islam, is it permissible to marry someone for their beauty, yes, it's permissible, is it permissible to marry someone for their money, the answer is yes, is it permissible to marry someone for their status, yes, but is it wise, no, are these the ingredients for a long-lasting, healthy, fruitful marriage, no, can they be factors, yes, can they be factors, yes, but should they be the basis of what could become a fruitful marriage, absolutely not.

Because these are things that are superficial in their nature, they can be compliments to the basis, which is the deen, right, so whenever you get married, yes, you should be attracted to your spouse, yes, there should be an element of attraction there, there's no doubt about that, that's why the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was not unreasonable.

The Importance of Attraction

You know, sometimes people brag, subhanallah, especially, you know, our dear beloved generation that came before us and they say, you know, I married your mother without having seen her one time, I'm sitting there thinking to myself like, that was a pretty, that could have been a pretty disastrous decision, because what if the first time that you saw each other was wedding night and uh-oh, that's not good, that's not good, because the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, what did he advise the young man who came to him asking, he said, you should go and look at her, you should go look at her.

Meaning what, it's not that she has to, she has to be, you know, Miss Mecca at that time or something like that, but you know, she fulfills the minimum requirement of attraction, right, you're attracted to her, that's important, right.

And at the same time, yes, some sisters, you know, subhanallah, you should know what you're getting into when you marry someone who's having financial troubles, if you can handle that, alhamdulillah, but if

you're coming from a household where you've been spoiled your entire life and then you go and you marry a guy who's just making ends meet, that's the ingredient for a disastrous marriage.

So it can be a factor, yes, that the person's well-off, that he's stable, right, and you don't want someone who's low in society and those types of things, fine, you know, especially if you come from a higher level of society, that can be a factor, right, we saw it with Zayd and Zaynab, both righteous people, but their level of status was a factor, it was a factor, okay, so these can be factors.

But the basis of looking and identity, looking for a spouse and identifying a spouse should be the things that will last forever, which are deen and khuluq and character, right.

Istikhara and Marriage

Is it always going to be a successful marriage? No, there will be times that someone will get suckered into a marriage and you will believe that you're marrying Mr. Right and Mr. Right turns out to be Mr. Wrong, that happens sometimes, look at Asiya alayhi wa sallam, right, Asiya was a good woman, she thought she had Mr. Right, she thought Fir'aun was Mr. Right, Asiya was an honorable woman even before Islam.

You know, again, we're talking about khuluq, we're talking about character, character shines even without Islam, because the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said:

(Sahih Muslim Hadith 2638)

"People are like precious stones, the best amongst you in the days of ignorance are the best amongst you in Islam."

Islam does not do away with good character, Islam polishes good character, Islam, you know, channels good character in the right direction, right.

So subhanAllah, there are some situations like that, there are, you know, factors that come into play, but, but at the end of the day, you look for what has the best chance and you put your trust in Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, and there are so many things that come into play here.

Number one, what is something that you should be doing when you want to get married, as far as Ibadah is concerned, (صَلاةُ الْإِسْتِخَارَةِ). Now here's the funny thing, sometimes people come and ask me, Shaykh, I want to pray istikhara and things of that sort, and then it's like, okay, you know, can you tell me what istikhara is, so basically, you're saying to the, you know, you're making a dua to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, if this is good for me, make it easy for me, if it's bad for me, take it away from me.

And then some people have said this to me, some people said, but Shaykh, I don't want Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to take it away, even if it's bad for me, can I just make dua for that person in particular, it's like, fine, then what's the point of praying istikhara.

Getting to Know Each Other

And here is why, you know, a lot of times we talk about the concept of dating, right, are we allowed to date in Islam, well, it depends how you define dating, are we allowed to get to know one another before Islam, and ask each other necessary questions, yes, we can sit with each other, you know, as long as we're not alone, right, in a situation where, you know, one thing can lead to the other, so on, so forth, you know.

And by the way, there's khuluq when you're sitting together, there's cyber khuluq, like when you're talking to each other on Facebook chat or Gchat, and nobody else is watching, and then you start getting a little bit flirty, and you start, you start noticing that after a week, more smiling faces are popping up, right, all right, this is not going, this is not becoming, you know, this isn't to the point anymore, you know, what's happening at this point, right.

So are we allowed to get to know one another, yes, and in this day and age, in this day and age, I think it's absolutely important for, you know, a potential husband and a potential wife to sit together and talk before they get married, it is vital at this point, because, you know, these days, you know, people have very weird views, have very weird leanings, and then all of a sudden, when they get married, it's like, here's, you know, here, here's the surprise, right, so many different surprises here and there.

To get together and to ask each other to see what their common interests are, their common goals, right, their views on me, these are so important, right, not that after they get married, by the way, you're not allowed to work, by the way, you're not allowed to drive, by the way, you know, I married a second wife, like, 10 years ago, wait, what, you know, you were supposed to be Mr., no, you sit together, and you, and you ask one another, you talk to one another, right, but not in a way that's inappropriate, not in a way that becomes flirtatious or unnecessary, right.

The Problem with Extended Relationships

And does that work? Statistically speaking, it works a whole lot better than the quote-unquote love marriages, whenever people come together, and whenever people have experimented all of the things that they're not supposed to experience until after marriage, and then once they get married, the only thing that kicks in is responsibility, and that really sucks, you know, when responsibility gets kicked into it, it's like, Matt, you know, I was enjoying myself without marriage, why do I have to get married now, what's, you know, subhanAllah, why did I add all this undue burden upon myself?

And then some Muslims ask, well, why can't, why can't we, you know, we don't, we don't have to sleep with each other, we don't have to commit zina, excuse me, we don't have to do all that stuff, why can't we just talk with each other, why can't we just, you know, go out to each other, with each other, watch a movie, hold hands, things of that sort? And I'll explain to you why.

At that point, and this is just human emotion, by the way, do you or do you not think that your decision will be biased after that? Think about it. The whole thing has become slanted at that point, right? Because

The Functions of Marriage in Islam

So Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, He gives us:

"And from His signs is that He created for you spouses from amongst yourselves, so that you may dwell with them, and He has put between you affection and mercy."

From the signs of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, He created for you spouses from amongst yourselves, and here are the functions of a marriage, (لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا) - You dwell with that person, you find comfort in that person, what are the functions of a home, right? (وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً) - affection and compassion and mercy.

Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala puts these things between the spouses, right? And they grow together, they learn about each other over time, and you know what? They're learning to love everything about each other, and they're looking at each other from the lens of deen and khuluq, so even when these superficial things start to fall apart, because guess what? If you're beautiful, you get older, right?

Whenever the beauty starts to fade away, if money fades away, right? If the money starts to go down the drain too, how many marriages fall apart because of financial troubles, right? SubhanAllah, I mean I was reading something in Newsweek, I remember, maybe a year ago, that was talking about the effect of the economic crisis on marriages. That marriage cannot stand on its two feet anymore.

Why? Because the money's gone. Everything's falling apart. So the things of deen and khuluq aren't there to hold that marriage, right? But Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala gives us those things.

You make that the basis, right? And Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala also says:

"They are a garment for you and you are a garment for them."

So essentially, whenever I go looking for a person, I'm looking for a person who's... Am I looking for a person who's less than me in deen? Who I can correct and I can bring to my standard of deen? Like, yeah, she's really pretty and she has potential. Or he seems like a really good guy, he has potential.

Do I look for someone who has potential? Do you walk into a supermarket and see a cloth, you know, see a shirt that's hanging and say, hmm, this shirt has a lot of potential. I might take it home and I cut it up. No, if it's not ready for me, if it's not ready, this is not the shirt that I'm going to be able to put on tomorrow that's going to immediately beautify me.

I don't want that shirt, right? So subhanAllah, I don't look for potential. I don't even look for someone who's just equal to me in deen. What do I look for? I look for someone who's better than me in deen so that they can cover my faults and beautify me in those same spots where I know that I'm lacking, right? I

know that I can do better, right? So I look for someone who's better in deen to make me that better person, right? And khuluq, because khuluq is important too.

The Story of Abu Darda and Umm Darda

Yes, there are some people that on the way to becoming religious people turn out, subhanAllah, I always say this, you know, on your way to becoming a religious person, don't become a crappy human being. Seriously. Some people on their way to becoming religious become jerks somewhere along the line, right? Become judgmental, become arrogant, become prideful.

They start to think that they have understood the Qur'an and Sunnah and everybody else is upon falsehood and you, you know, the truth lies through me and things of that sort. You avoid those types of people. Trust me, those people are worse than the ones that don't have deen or khuluq because they're using the deen and they're just adding that into their superficiality, right?

You look for those things that can, you know, you look for that person that wants to grow in the deen. And if the priority is deen, if the priority is akhirah, then you will see incredible things happen and you will see that that relationship will be able to withstand the trials and the other things.

And I'm going to end with just one story. This is a very powerful story, and it shows you what the deen is about. You know, it shows you that the, how deen can actually infuse love inside of a relationship.

You know, there's a hadith from the Messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam before I even tell this story. It's a beautiful hadith, right? Imam Ahmad, rahimahullah, narrates it in his Musnad, it's an authentic hadith.

The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said:

(Source Name)

"May Allah have mercy on a man who wakes up in the middle of the night to pray, right? He wakes up for qiyam al-layl. So he wakes up his wife to pray and if she refuses, he goes and he takes a little bit of water and sprinkles it on her face so that she can wake up and pray with him."

Okay, he doesn't go and take a flower pot or a hose, right? Or, you know, a water gun. No. He goes and he takes a little bit of water, he sprinkles it on her face so that she can wake up and pray with him, right?

And then Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said:

(Source Name)

"May Allah have mercy on a woman who wakes up in the middle of the night. This is a two-way street, remember? This is a two-way street. She wakes up in the middle of the night to pray and she tries to wake up her husband to pray too. And if he refuses, she takes some water and she sprinkles it into his face, right? To wake him up."

Two people that are growing in the deen together, two people that are looking for something that cannot be given to them in this world but they know is guaranteed. So long as the other person is capable of getting me closer to that goal, then that person is a valuable asset in my life. It's as simple as that.

So long as I can see this person as someone who's bringing me closer to my goal, so if my goal is akhirah, then I need that person in my life, right? SubhanAllah. And once you start seeing marriage that way rather than just, you know, of course you start off with the right way, you start looking for deen and things of that sort.

But as long as you see marriage in that way rather than just a trial run. Because in this day and age, honestly, you go into a marriage and that possibility, that looming possibility that this might not be the right one is always there and that haunts you. And at the end of the day, it's almost like you have more than a 50% chance of getting divorced. Even in the Muslim community, by the way, divorce rates are going up.

Why? Because they start for the wrong reasons. They're built upon faulty foundations, right? So they're not able to hold that pressure. They're not able to withstand it.

The Story of Abu Darda and Umm Darda

So subhanAllah, but if we looked at it with the sense that this is something that's permanent, I have to make this work only under, you know, only under extreme circumstances. Am I going to let this fall apart? Then you'll make it work inshaAllah ta'ala. You'll compromise for the other person. You'll compromise to make things work. Why? Because at the end of the day, when I married this person for deen, they still got that and they're still looking for the same goal I'm looking for and we're helping each other get there inshaAllah.

And I'll end with one story because this is something that's a very, very touching story. And just to give you some background of this story, it's about Abu Darda radiallahu ta'ala anhuma. Now before I talk about Abu Darda and what I want to get to, Abu Darda radiallahu ta'ala anhuma was someone who narrates the hadith about the virtues of knowledge, right? He's someone who traveled around the world seeking and teaching Islam. He had a lot of knowledge radiallahu ta'ala anhuma and he was overly enthusiastic about, you know, about the deen whenever it came to him.

So whenever the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam paired off the Ansar with the Muhajireen, right? Whenever the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam came to Medina, every Ansari, every local of Medina hosted one of the Muhajireen, one of the people that was expelled from Mecca, the travelers, those who immigrated from Mecca, right?

Hosted them in their house and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam paired everyone, a brother from the Ansar with a brother from the Muhajireen, right? Who was the brother of Abu Darda? Salman al-Farsi radiallahu ta'ala anhuma. Salman al-Farsi, was he a Muhajireen? Yes, not from Mecca, but from Persia, right? He was going around looking for the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam from Persia and he found the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam in the time whenever the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam had just made it to Medina, right?

So Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam paired Salman with Abu Darda. Whenever Salman gets to the house of Abu Darda, and this was before the Ayah of Hijab had been revealed, okay? The Ayah of Hijab, the command of Hijab was not revealed until four years after Hijrah.

At this time, the Ayah of Hijab had not been revealed. He sees Umm Darda and he walks into the house and she has a cloth that's beat up, right? It doesn't have much, you know, it's got patches all over it, stains all over it. She doesn't, you know, she has blisters on her hands, right? And he feels sorry for her and he says to her, where's Abu Darda?

And she says, smiling with contentment, she says:

"Your brother Abu Darda has no need for this world."

Right? So Salman radiallahu ta'ala anhu wanted to get him home more often.

So Salman finds out that Abu Darda is fasting, Salman says, I want lunch, come to the house and you've got to serve me lunch, we've got to eat lunch together. He brings him home, forces him to eat lunch with him, right? And then at night, whenever Abu Darda wants to stand up and pray Qiyam al-Layl, Salman radiallahu ta'ala anhu wants to go to sleep, don't bother me with your Quran, things of that sort, you know, he forces him to sleep with his wife, right? To be with his wife.

And then they go to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and Abu Darda says to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, is what he's doing right? You know, he's taking me away from Qiyam, he's taking me away from fasting, things of that sort, right?

And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam agreed with Salman, he said:

Sahih al-Bukhari Hadith 1968

"Verily, Allah has a right upon you, your family has a right upon you, yourself has a right upon you, so you have to give each one his due right."

So your family has a right upon you. So Abu Darda radiallahu anhu, we can take from that that he improved because he's someone that listened to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. So we can take from that that he improved.

But his financial situation was never really that great, right? Umm Darda radiallahu ta'ala anha was someone who used to be around the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم - sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) from a very, very young age, a little girl that used to play in the masjid and things of that sort, and someone who grew up loving knowledge, right?

Now let's fast forward about 40 years. Abu Darda radiallahu ta'ala anhu was about to die. And he's with his wife Umm Darda.

Umm Darda radiallahu ta'ala anha had never really tasted the sweetness of this dunya because although you can take from this Abu Darda was surely spending more time with her and things of that sort, he never became a rich man. And she's seeing her husband die. And what does she say to her husband at that moment?

She says to him: listen, whenever you came to propose for me in this dunya, you asked my father for my hand, and I accepted. So she says to him, so ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى - subhanahu wa ta'ala) for me to be your wife in akhirah. SubhanAllah, I want to be your wife in Jannah.

They were both looking for the same goal, right? Now you can take from that and you can say, you know, that was probably just sweet emotional talk, right? When a person's leaving anyway, this life, they start to talk about this type of stuff, and everyone gets, you know, everyone becomes nice whenever death is taking place and things of that sort.

This is probably why this was all, that's probably why she said all that. But guess what happens after that? When Abu Darda passes away, she gets a proposal, a marriage proposal. Guess from whom? From Mu'awiyah ibn Abi Sufyan radiallahu ta'ala anhu, who was the khalifa of the Muslims.

She gets a proposal. And Mu'awiyah radiallahu ta'ala anhu was someone who was wealthy, you know, he's someone who has status in the eyes of the Muslims, right? He's from kuttaabil wahi كُتَّابِ الْوَحْي those who wrote the revelation. He's one of the companions of the Messenger (صلى الله عليه وسلم - sallallahu alayhi wa sallam).

And he's sending a proposal to Umm Darda radiallahu ta'ala anha. And listen to the response of Umm Darda radiallahu ta'ala anha. She says:

"I cannot marry you because I'm already engaged to Abu Darda in Jannah."

SubhanAllah. Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

What was she thinking of? Where was her heart? Where was her mind? Where was her mission? It was with coming closer to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى - subhanahu wa ta'ala). And that marriage, even though it did not have the things that we would think make a marriage successful and make a marriage good, it had that ingredient

that cannot be taken away by any economic crisis, that cannot be taken away by any aging process. It had the love of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى - subhanahu wa ta'ala) in it.

Conclusion

And you look for a person who's going to be, whenever you marry a person, don't think about that person as just being your spouse in this dunya. Think about that person as being your spouse in paradise. Is this a person that I can see getting to paradise?

And we know in the Jannah, if one person makes it to a higher level of paradise from the family, what do they do to the lower one? Does the higher person go down to the lower one? No. Come on up. They drag you up. If you have a family of righteous people, if you have righteous children, if you have a righteous spouse, your wife is more righteous than you, and you just made it into Jannah, and she's up there in her level, she will come down and get you and all of your kids inshaAllah ta'ala.

Right? So whenever you look to get married, look for the person that is befitting to you in this dunya and in the akhirah.

Closing Dua

I ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى - subhanahu wa ta'ala) to bless us all with fruitful and with good marriages, and I ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى - subhanahu wa ta'ala) to make us amongst the righteous ourselves, and we make the dua, even from our childhood we consistently make the dua:

"Our Lord, grant us from our spouses and from our children the coolness of our eyes, and make us for the community of believers and righteous leaders."

وَصَلَّى اللهُ عَلَى نَبِيِّنَا مُحَمَّدٍ وَعَلَى آلِهِ وَصَحْبِهِ أَجْمَعِينَ

وَالْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ رَبِّ الْعَالَمِينَ