Bad Blood: The Road to Mending Relationships
By Omar Suleiman | 2026-01-06T19:57:55.87941+00:00 | Topic: Iman
Bad Blood: The Road to Mending Relationships
Shaykh Omar Suleiman 15th MAS-ICNA Convention
Opening
So I just walked about a mile to get here from another session. So I might be breathing hard in the first part of this session. It's not because I'm emotional by the topic. I'm just tired. Alright, so don't get any wrong ideas.
(بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّحِيمِ الْحَمْدُ لِلهِ رَبِّ الْعَالَمِينَ وَالصَّلَاةُ وَالسَّلَامُ عَلَى رَسُولِهِ الْكَرِيمِ وَعَلَى آلِهِ وَصَحْبِهِ وَسَلَّمَ تَسْلِيمًا كَثِيرًا)
Foundational Principle: Treating Others as You Wish Allah to Treat You
Before I get into this topic of mending relationships and how we fix things that we've already broken, I wanted to start off with a very basic concept that is to highlight the role of Allah in our interactions even with people. That the role of Allah in our lives is not just a spiritual role or a personal role or an individual role, but it rather is to define all of our relationships.
And the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) mentioned to us in a hadith that treat people the way that you would want to be treated, very similar to the golden rule. But there's an added caveat to that that I want to start off with. And I want you to remember this:
Be with people as you wish Allah would be with you. Do to others what you want Allah to do for you.
And that's a far more accurate portrayal of the text that we find in the Qur'an and the sunnah of the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم). Treat people the way you wish or the way you want Allah to actually treat you.
The Hadith of Service
And subhanAllah there's a beautiful hadith that starts off and the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) says:
(Sahih al-Bukhari 2442, Sahih Muslim 2699)
Whoever is in the service of his brother, Allah is in his service as well.
When you're in the service of your brother, Allah is in your service as well. And I want you to think about that and ponder upon that concept deeply.
Sometimes you're in the service of your brother or your sister financially. You help them out of debt. Sometimes you're in the service of your brother and sister by giving them a shoulder to cry on.
You know a lot of times we conflate giving advice with letting someone vent and letting someone have an ear. Sometimes people don't need a sermon, they need a shoulder. They just need someone to cry on.
And that's a service to your brother or your sister. Sometimes you're a service to your brother or your sister when you teach them. Sometimes you're a service to your brother and your sister when you guide them to that which is right.
There are many ways to be in service to your brother and sister but the beautiful hadith that the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) mentions to us here that Allah is in your service so long as you are in the service of your brother and sister. Who would not want Allah to be in their service in a way that befits His Majesty?
Supporting Your Brother in Justice
Well what about if I'm trying to help someone or if I'm trying to be of service to my brother and sister but they don't recognize that. You know the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) tells us:
(Sahih al-Bukhari 2444)
Support your brother when he's oppressed or when he's an oppressor.
How do you support your brother when he's an oppressor? By stopping him from oppressing.
Too many times we conflate the two. We think that we're supporting our brother who's an oppressor by making him feel better about his oppression. When someone wrongs another person, whether that person is in a place of religious authority or that person is a brother or a sister or a spouse or that person is a community member or a member of your tribe, you support that person by stopping them from committing that transgression and stopping them from committing that oppression.
And you know the Arabs, the way they heard that is through a tribalistic lens. Why? Because they were used to this idea that if someone from my tribe is wrong, then I will still have my tribesman's back. So when they heard the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) say, support your brother, whether he's wronged or whether he's wronging, they immediately went to that place.
That maybe the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) is telling us that this tribal system, which seems to conflict with everything that he's taught us thus far, is correct. And so essentially, sometimes in a relationship, you are willing to sacrifice that relationship for the good of the person, for the good of that person. That I know that me giving you advice right now or telling you that you're doing something wrong is possibly going to compromise the way that you feel about me, but that's how much I love you.
That I will not superficially support you in evil and superficially support you when you're wrong. That defending a person is not the same as defending their mistakes. That I will stop you when you oppress and stop you when you do something that's wrong.
And isn't it the same way with Allah? That sometimes Allah is in our service and we might interpret it as divine wrath. Sometimes Allah is doing something for us and planning in our favor even as we're questioning Him. And so being in true service to your brother and sister in a wholesome sense is that you place that person's interest before your own interest.
The Foundation of True Brotherhood
(Sahih al-Bukhari 13, Sahih Muslim 45)
No one of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.
Not less than what he loves for himself, but what he loves for himself in a financial sense, in a physical sense, in an emotional sense, in a religious sense, in every sense of the word. You love for your brother what you love for yourself.
The Divine Standard in Human Relationships
And I was going through these statements which you often hear at a fundraiser. Or you often hear in a lecture about brotherhood. Where Allah says for example in Hadith Qudsi:
(Sahih al-Bukhari 5352, Sahih Muslim 993)
O son of Adam, spend and I will spend on you.
Or when the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) says:
Whoever is in the service of his brother, Allah is in his service.
Think about the weight of those words. How much will you spend on your brother? And how much do you want from Allah? How much will you take care of the vulnerable? And how much do you expect from Allah when you yourself are vulnerable?
(Sahih al-Bukhari 2442, Sahih Muslim 2699)
Whoever covers or conceals the fault of his brother, Allah will cover his fault or conceal his fault on the day of judgment.
How much are you willing to conceal your brother's fault? And how badly do you want Allah to conceal your flaws on the day of judgment? Think about that. Because the extent counts as well when you include in the equation Allah. What do I want from Allah? What am I willing to give to the people?
If I'm willing to only somewhat cover the shame of my brother, then I can expect on the day of judgment that my shame will also be exposed. And if I'm willing to put my brother on blast or my sister on blast, and slander and gossip, then I can expect that the same will be done with me on the day of judgment where I will be in utter humiliation for the humiliation that I caused to someone else.
Additional Prophetic Teachings
The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) says:
(Sahih Muslim 2699)
Whoever facilitates or makes something easy for one who is in hardship, Allah will make things easy for him in this life and the next.
Once again, the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) is telling us, to what extent will you seek to alleviate the hardship of another? And to what extent do you want Allah to alleviate your own hardship on the day of judgment?
When Allah says in the Quran:
Let them forgive and pardon. Don't you want Allah to forgive and pardon you?
Don't you want Allah to forgive you? Allah adds an element to it. You know when you kind of forgive, but you make sure that the person never forgets that you forgave, and you make them wish you never forgave them in the first place, because of how often you remind them of their transgression, and how little your forgiveness actually is, then you can expect the same from Allah.
How badly do you want to come on the day of judgment, and see that your major transgressions are forgiven? How badly do you want Allah to not make even mention, to not even make mention of your transgressions? And are you holding other people to that standard? Are you doing the same with other people?
The Consequences of Severed Relationships
The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم), he said that whoever severs the ties of kinship, Allah cuts him off. You cut off your brother and sister. Allah cuts you off.
And I think about this a lot because, you know subhanAllah, you know when you go to the Eid Salah, sometimes you got two people that aren't talking to each other. It's awkward. Ramadan, people are fasting. Jum'ah, you got people trying to avoid each other in a family, right?
And you think about this. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) says, that every three days, every three days, the deeds are presented to Allah. Monday and Thursday meeting. The deeds are presented to Allah. Your good deeds are sent to Allah every Monday and Thursday.
And the Messenger (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said, Allah looks to two people that are quarreling. And Allah says:
Leave these two until they fix that which is between them. Leave them.
You know, you think about the silly things that you allow to put barriers between you and your brother or sister, you and your family members. That could have cost you Ramadan. That could have cost you your Hajj. That could cost you all of these things. Why? Because of your ego essentially. Because of your ego.
Now this does not refer to, just to be clear, because I've got to give this disclaimer, an abuser and the one who is abused. This refers to quarreling. Making islah with those that you quarrel with. Reconciling with those that you quarrel with.
Don't you want Allah to do that with you? Don't you want Allah to treat you the same way? So why not forgive and why not pardon?
The Consistency of Divine Standards
And one thing that's very noticeable about all of these ayahs and all of these ahadith is that the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم), he uses the exact same wording every single time. And Allah uses the exact same wording every single time.
(Sunan Abu Dawud 4941, Sunan at-Tirmidhi 1924)
Show mercy to those on this earth, and the One who is in the heavens will show mercy to you.
Spend and I will spend on you. Forgive, don't you want Allah to forgive you? All of these times, the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) uses the exact same wording to show you that Allah will treat you exactly as you treat other people. Allah will hold you to the standards that you hold other people.
And so you want that mercy from God? How much of it are you willing to manifest as a human being? How much of it are you willing to give to someone else?
The Story of the Thirsty Dog
There's a very famous story of the adulteress from Bani Israel, the Zania from the children of Israel, who the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) mentioned to us, who entered into Jannah because she gave water to a thirsty dog. But there's another narration. And listen carefully to this.
The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) says that there was a man who was walking one day and he became thirsty. And as he was thirsty, he sought out a well. He's in the desert and he's looking for an oasis. He's looking for a well. He's looking for water. When he found that water and quenched his thirst, he came out.
And he saw a dog that was thirsty as well. And the man looked at that dog and looked at the connection that he made to Allah. He said:
The way that dog is thirsty, is the same way that I was thirsty.
Just like I was thirsty and Allah gave water to me, that dog was also thirsty, so I should probably give it water. You see the spiritual connection here? The way that he made this connection? The way that he thought about it? He didn't just say, oh, it's a dog, maybe I should give it some water. There was a thought process there.
You know, Allah took care of me when I was thirsty. And I am vulnerable to Allah. I am in need of Allah and He is not in need of me. That dog needs me right now. And that dog is thirsty. You know, most Muslims, if a dog comes around that's thirsty, you probably kick it and be like, Najas, get away. Don't get anything on me.
That man thought, Allah took care of me, I should take care of that dog. What happened as a result of that? You guys can scream it, I can hear you from the stage. What did the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) say happened to him as a result? He entered Jannah? Obviously, but the wording.
The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said:
(Sahih al-Bukhari 174, Sahih Muslim 2244)
"Allah thanked him and forgave him."
Allah thanked him. Why did Allah thank him? Who did he give water to? The dog. Why did Allah thank him and forgive him? Because he made that connection to Allah. He took this very simple deed and made that connection to Allah.
Compare that to one of the first three people that will enter into hellfire that the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) mentioned. A man who gave charity his entire life. But he gave charity so that he could be called one who is generous. Not because it was a true gratitude to Allah for Allah taking care of him. He gave charity so that people would call him Kareem. People would call him one who is generous. This man made that connection.
The Hadith of Allah Being with the Vulnerable
And so when someone is sick, when someone is in need, and the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) says that Allah has said, or that on the day of judgment a man will come and Allah will say:
"O son of Adam, I was sick and you did not visit me."
And the man would say (يَا رَبِّ) how could I visit you when you are the lord of the world? And Allah says, don't you know that my servant so and so was sick? And had you visited him or her you would have found me with him.
It's a difference. Not the reward, you would have found me with him. Because Allah is with those who are vulnerable. Allah is with those who are forgotten. Allah is with those who people do not look to because they have no worldly or materialistic benefit to them. Allah is with them in the sense that Allah supports them.
(وَعِزَّنِي وَجَلَالِي) By His might and His majesty
Allah supports them and His blessings are with them.
This is a very powerful highlight or a very powerful illustration that we're given in this hadith. Now what does it mean on a practical level? Dear brothers and sisters, there are people that are forgotten in this world. And Allah mentions people that will be forgotten in the hereafter.
The people that are forgotten in this world are not the people that will be forgotten in the hereafter. The people that will be forgotten are those that forgot their lord and as a result forgot all of their obligations to their lord. Which included treating people the way that they wanted Allah to treat them.
Practical Application: The Disease of Cognitive Dissonance
Now with these last 10 minutes I want to speak at a very human level and a very real level and a very practical level. I hope you guys will pay very close attention to this. You know there is a man by the name of Suleyman ibn Abdul Malik rahimahullah ta'ala who was a khalifa.
And he asked, he summoned one of the tabi'een, Abu Hazm. And he asked him, it's a very famous dialogue. He said to him, Ya Abu Hazm, Oh Abu Hazm, why is it that we hate death so much? And yes, you are going to wonder over the next two minutes what this has to do with the topic.
Why is it that we hate death so much? And you know what he said? He said:
"Because you have built up this world and you have destroyed everything in the hereafter so you would hate to transition from that which you have established to that which you have destroyed."
You built yourself up in this world and you have left no currency for the hereafter. And so naturally, you would hate to transition from that which is established to that which you have done nothing for. From that which is known to that which is unknown.
What does this have to do with our relationships? You know as people, we have this cognitive dissonance where we will jump to those parts of our lives where we feel like we are successful and we will tank in those parts of our lives where we feel like we are failing.
What does that mean? You're doing well at work but your family life is going down the drain. Your marriage is unraveling. But when you leave your household, people tell you you're amazing. You're successful. You're great. Your boss pats you on the back. Your colleagues adore you. Everyone adores you. You're a great friend. You're a great community member. You're wonderful outside of your home. But your marriage is unraveling.
Instead of fixing your marriage, you continue to live in the adoration because it's established. Because you've succeeded. And you continue to allow your marriage to tank.
You don't fix your relationships at home even though that relationship is more important than the relationships outside of the home because you feel better and more established with those other relationships. Your parents are older and you can never do enough for them. They think that you're horrible.
And sometimes, yes, parents can be unfair. But instead of trying to repair that which is with my parents, I'm going to allow that to tank. And I'm just going to feel better with all my other relationships.
The Priority of Relationships
No relationship outside of your home suffices you from dealing with the relationships inside of your home. No relationship with an outsider. No person who tells you you're amazing outside or who makes you feel great on the outside. Or no relationship that you've established outside gives you an excuse to destroy the relationship with your spouse.
You know, Allah has put priorities with these relationships. Those that are inside your home, your parents, your spouses, your children. If you're messing up there, fix it. Do your best to fix it. Don't escape.
We have to have congruency. We've got to have, you know, this establishment across the board. It can't just be always an escape from that which we're failing with.
So dear brothers and sisters, the incentive is there. Allah has placed upon us a mighty incentive. Allah has placed upon us a responsibility to make things right. A responsibility to deal with those that are inside our homes with a certain ihsan. A responsibility to not let that ihsan, that excellence be restricted to the home. But instead, let it be amplified outside of the home.
But prioritize your relationships. Prioritize your relationships.
Marriage and Family Relationships
People come to me all the time and they ask me, you know, I want to do this, I want to do that, this person doesn't like it, this person doesn't like it, what should I do? And you know what, I'm going to be very real as well with our marriages.
Sometimes, we marry people that our parents don't want us to marry. And guess what, it's halal. It's allowed. And sometimes, it's necessary. And that's why there's a process in Islam to where it's necessary. So I'm going to be as balanced with this statement as possible inshallah ta'ala.
Sometimes it is necessary because sometimes the restrictions are not Islamic, they are wrong, sometimes they're racist, sometimes they are not proper conditions that are placed as a barrier between marriage
and we need to solve the marriage crisis. But at the same, by the same token, sometimes we form relationships with people over two months and we're willing to throw away 20 years of relationships with our parents just like that.
I say look, have you even tried? Have you even really given this an effort? We're too quick to walk away from important relationships in our lives. We're too quick to walk away from our spouses. We're too quick to walk away from our children. We're too quick to be unforgiving to our brothers and our sisters.
We are too quick to walk away. And when there are relationships that are important to you, fight for those relationships. So even if a person had to go ahead and get married in a certain way, then they should still do whatever they can to salvage that relationship, to make sure that that relationship as much as they can so they can have that excuse with Allah that I did my best. I did my best to try to keep all of that together.
The Unfair Distribution of Our Energy
Now as people, Ibn al-Qayyim rahimahullah said, we will always be unfair in our distribution. And you know what's amazing? He said the worst person in the world, the worst person, is someone that people don't even want to be around. People don't want them to be around because they are so harmful with their presence. That people don't even want your relationship.
He said, when you're a person of ihsan and you're a person who's doing good and you're a person who's loving and you're a person that's always treating people in a certain way, they all want you. They're all tugging away at you.
Who's the primary example of that? Who's the primary example? Rasulullah (صلى الله عليه وسلم). The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) walks out of his house and you know what happens? People are waiting outside his door. Literally waiting outside his door to accompany him, (عليه الصلاة والسلام) to be with him. People are doing whatever they can to be with him (صلى الله عليه وسلم)
And the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) makes each and every single person feel special. It's amazing. Amr ibn al-Aas (رضي الله عنه) the famous story, he says, I told the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) in front of the companions. He said:
"Ya Rasulullah, who's the most beloved of people to you?"
Amr ibn al-Aas thought because of the way the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) treated him, he thought that it must be him. And the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said (عائشة), my wife. And he said, No, no, no Ya Rasulullah, I mean from the men. He said, (أَبُوهَا) her father. He's still connected to Aisha, not Abu Bakr. (أبوها) her father
Ya Rasulullah, who after that? (عَمْرُو). Then he said, I just stopped because I thought he'd never get to my name. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) made people feel that way.
So with that being said, do you think the people in his home felt like they were neglected as a result? Do you think that Aisha (رضي الله تعالى عنها) felt like the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) wasn't giving her her rights? No. She boasted and bragged about the attention the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) paid to her.
As amazing as his attention was to detail outside, to where he could make a man that wasn't even in his top 10 (رضي الله عنه) feel like he was his number one, that type of energy and that type of attention to detail did not escape him when he came home.
And he didn't make the people in his household feel like it was at their expense that he would give all of his ihsan outside of his home. He gave it to them as well. So yes, Aisha wanted more of the Prophet (صلی الله عليه وسلم). But she never accused the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) of not giving enough. Because his character was ihsan.
Initiating Reconciliation
And on a last note, with the four minutes that I have, you know a lot of times dear brothers and sisters, when someone hurts us or when we feel like we've been wronged by the other person, and why should I? Why should I initiate? Why should I try to reach out if that person hurt me? Why should I try to mend that relationship? They are at fault.
And you know what? You could be right. But do you want Allah to hold you to that same standard? When you meet Allah on the day of judgment, has Allah ever wronged you? Has Allah ever wronged you? But you have wronged yourself by disobeying Allah.
So it is not that you only mend with people that want to mend, that you only reconcile with people that want to reconcile. It's that you remove that grudge from your heart. And you say, you know what? I want Allah to not hold me to anything on the day of judgment. I will forgive you and I will reconcile even though I think you're wrong.
And if I really have ihsan, I'm not even going to remind you about how many times you were wrong. I'm just going to let it go for the sake of Allah. Not abuse, no. But the transgressions and the things that often pit us apart and often drive us apart.
You have family members that don't talk to each other over money. You have people that break lifelong relationships, sometimes sacred, sanctified by Allah, the family bonds, because of a silly conversation.
The Danger of Technology in Relationships
And you know what the key culprit usually is? You want to destroy your relationship really, really, really quick? Let this be the medium by which you carry on your relationships. You will ruin them all one by one. When you don't have serious conversations with people in person and you restrict them to emails and WhatsApp messages and take shots at people through Facebook.
You know, it's like when husband and... It's funny when husbands and wives are getting into debates or when husbands and wives are not going well, and the whole world knows it. Because you go online and you post about how husbands should be and how wives should be. And everyone knows you're talking about your husband and your wife.
That's not the way to fix a relationship. An email is not the way to fix a relationship. A phone, a WhatsApp message or a text message is not the way to fix a relationship.
Learn to talk to people. Carry your relationships like humans without the robots in between, without the technology in between. When we talk to each other, without these, there is rahmah, there is mercy, there is the natural human component.
I can say things to you through this that I would never dare say to you in your face. Yet somehow I keep doing it over and over and over again. And I keep assaulting people with this little thing.
And yes, it's an iPhone. If you have an Android, it's just satanic. Your words are so much worse when it's not an iPhone. I hope I get paid for that one.
I need to stop resorting to this and I need to resort to this. And let people actually humanize one another and give people the benefit of a doubt.
Final Thoughts on Forgiveness
And dear brothers and sisters, when you hold grudges, you will only stop yourself from progressing. Ibn al-Qayyim rahimahullah said, that when your enemy shoots arrows at you and misses you, not only did he not strike you with his arrow, but you caused him to waste an arrow as well.
So when people try to offend and try to harm and you are unfazed and you are always able to go, I don't want to say when they go low, you go high, but you know, you get the message. You're always able to overcome that and always able to be the better person and always able to be the one who shows ihsan. Not only have you not been struck by the arrow, you caused that person to waste an arrow, to possibly reassess and to reevaluate the way they carry themselves.
Closing Du'a
May Allah better all of our relationships. May Allah never allow us to be
the servant of God who wrongs and oppresses. May Allah forgive us when we transgress. May Allah forgive us when we treat
those in our homes less than what we treat those outside of our homes.
May Allah grant us ihsan and excellence to those that are close to us and those that are far from us. May Allah allow us a people, to be a people, whose hearts are rectified and other hearts are rectified through their hearts. May Allah allow us not to be held to any cruelty that we may have shown in this world and forgive it and overlook it.
And may Allah have mercy upon us and forgive us and place us in the service of His creation for His sake.