Words That Last A Lifetime

Words That Last A Lifetime - Khutbah by Nouman Ali Khan

Opening Prayer and Introduction

اَلْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ، اَلْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ الَّذِي نَحْمَدُهُ وَنَسْتَعِيْنُهُ وَنَسْتَغْفِرُهُ وَنُؤْمِنُ بِهِ وَنَتَوَكَّلُ عَلَيْهِ، وَنَعُوْذُ بِاللهِ مِنْ شُرُوْرِ أَنْفُسِنَا وَمِنْ سَيِّئَاتِ أَعْمَالِنَا، مَنْ يَّهْدِهِ اللهُ فَلَا مُضِلَّ لَهُ، وَمَنْ يُّضْلِلْهُ فَلَا هَادِيَ لَهُ، وَنَشْهَدُ أَنْ لَّا إِلَهَ إِلَّا اللهُ وَحْدَهُ لَا شَرِيْكَ لَهُ، وَنَشْهَدُ أَنَّ مُحَمَّدًا عَبْدُ اللهِ وَرَسُوْلُهُ، أَرْسَلَهُ اللهُ تَعَالَى بِالْهُدَى وَدِيْنِ الْحَقِّ لِيُظْهِرَهُ عَلَى الدِّيْنِ كُلِّهِ وَكَفَى بِاللهِ شَهِيْدًا، فَصَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ تَسْلِيْمًا كَثِيْرًا كَثِيْرًا.

أما بعد، فإن أصدق الحديث كتاب الله، وخير الهدي هدي محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم، وإن شر الأمور محدثاتها، وإن كل محدثة بدعة، وكل بدعة ضلالة، وكل ضلالة في النار

قال الله عز وجل في كتابه الكريم بعد أن أقول أعوذ بالله من الشيطان الرجيم:

"[Mention] when Joseph said to his father, "O my father, indeed I have seen [in a dream] eleven stars and the sun and the moon; I saw them prostrating to me." He said, "O my son, do not relate your vision to your brothers or they will contrive against you a plan. Indeed Satan, to man, is a manifest enemy. And thus will your Lord choose you and teach you the interpretation of narratives and complete His favor upon you and upon the family of Jacob as He completed it upon your fathers before, Abraham and Isaac. Indeed, your Lord is Knowing and Wise."

"My Lord, expand for me my breast [with assurance] And ease for me my task And untie the knot from my tongue That they may understand my speech."

اللهم ثبتنا عند الموت بلا إله إلا الله، اللهم اجعلنا من الذين آمنوا وعملوا الصالحات وتواصوا بالحق وتواصوا بالصبر، آمین یا رب العالمین

The Remarkable Story of Yusuf

Allah عز وجل gave us a remarkable story in the Quran - one of the most detailed accounts in the Quran of any prophet, and that is the account of Yusuf عليه السلام. Many of you know an entire surah is dedicated just to the telling of his story, and that's unlike any other prophet where a single surah would be dedicated to just telling their life account.

But in this story, a lot of times we know of the events that took place - it's a very famous story - but we don't pay much attention to some of these very profound lessons that Allah عز وجل has put inside of this story. One of the most incredible ayaat of this surah is:

"For certain, in Yusuf and his brothers there are many miraculous signs and many lessons - if you will, many heavenly lessons - for the people who ask questions."

The word "sa'il" also means people in need. So the word "sa'il" in Arabic means these two groups meaning from Yusuf عليه السلام and his brothers, you have a lot to learn from them if you have

questions, and also you have a lot to learn from them if you are in need.

The Beginning of the Dream

The way the story begins in the Quran is that Allah عز وجل describes a child who came up to his father to tell him a dream:

"My beloved father, there isn't any doubt - I saw eleven stars and the sun and the moon, and I saw them prostrating to me."

The Arabic is interesting - (رَأَيْتُهُمْ - ra'aytuhum) - "I saw them." So he repeats "I saw" twice. It happened in the beginning of the ayah (إِنِّي رَأَيْتُ - inni ra'aytu) and as a matter of fact, "إن" is used twice for those of you who know Arabic. By the time he says eleven stars, the sun and the moon, he starts over again and says "I saw them" one more time before he completes his statement (سَاجِدِينَ لِي - sajidin li)

Understanding the Child's Nervousness

This suggests a few things. One of the things it can suggest is that a child, when they're sharing something, sometimes they're nervous, and when they're nervous they repeat themselves. Sometimes your child comes up to you - something happened at school or something happened in the playground - and you say "what happened?" and they say "I was playing, I was playing, I was playing" and then "what happened?" and "I was playing and then..." They repeat their words because they're trying to get to the part that might get them in trouble or the part that's hard to talk about.

So Yusuf عليه السلام sees this dream as a child, he comes to his dad, he's nervous about this dream. The fact that he began with (إنّي - inni) - for those of you who know the Arabic language a little bit - (إن حرف لإزالة الشك - inna harfu li'izalat ash-shak) - it's used to remove doubt. Like he's telling his dad a dream, but he thinks maybe even his dad might not believe him. It's too incredible, too crazy of a thing that he saw.

The Linguistic Analysis

The Arabic of it is very different. The word (رَأَيْتُهُمْ - ra'aytuhum) - the pronoun (هُمْ - hum) which is translated as "they" is not used for inanimate objects. It's not used for the sun or the stars or the moon. As a matter of fact, if it was for the sun or the stars or the moon, the two options in Arabic would have been (رَأَيْتُهُنَّ سَاجِدَاتٍ - ra'aytuhunna sajidatin) or (رَأَيْتُهَا سَاجِدَةً - ra'aytuha sajidatan)

What I'm trying to get across to you is that the way he spoke suggests that he already knew that it's not actually the stars, the sun and the moon - it's actually people, because the wording he used is wording used in Arabic only for people (لذوي العقول - lidhavi al-'uqul). When he said this to his father - "they're doing sajda to me, they're prostrating because of me" - this was the part that he found so shocking.

The Father's Wise Response

His father, when he responds to him, realizes in the way that the son told him the dream, the way that he expressed himself - the father paid close attention to him and realized this kid is so smart. Not only did he see a special dream, he interpreted it all on his own in the way that he described it. So the interpretation has already happened.

Seeing a dream is not an accomplishment - that's not an accomplishment. But seeing a dream and then having the intelligence and the insight and the wisdom to figure out what it means - now that's a pretty amazing accomplishment.

Allah's Choice to Highlight This Dialogue

Allah decides - you know, there are so many endless conversations that happen between parents and children - and Allah decides to highlight this one dialogue between Yusuf and his father. Of all the things he could have highlighted, he highlights this dialogue. There are other major events in the story: he gets kidnapped, he gets thrown in a well, he gets taken out and sold as a child slave, he gets falsely accused and thrown into jail. There are several major events that are talked about in this story.

But in the beginning of this story, instead of what you would think is a major event, it's just a small conversation. And in this conversation, Yusuf عليه السلام is just expressing a dream that he saw, but his father validates him immediately.

The Father's Warning and Encouragement

Warning About the Brothers

First of all, he warns him:

"Don't tell this dream that you saw to your brothers."

Now he knows - Yaqub عليه السلام already knows this has something to do with your brothers. "Don't tell your brothers. I know they're part of this dream. You already know that too. Don't talk about this to your brothers. They already have a jealousy problem. They're gonna scheme something against you."

He's a child. Sometimes you say we shouldn't have negative conversations in front of children, we should shield them, we should protect them. But sometimes it's in their best interest to know who's good for them and who's not good for them - which uncle to stay away from, which brother to stay away from. Sometimes not every family situation is ideal.

The Reality of Shaytan's Influence

"The devil is a pretty big enemy, pretty open enemy for human beings."

The devil can come anywhere. The devil is not just there between you and some stranger. The devil wants to destroy family relationships. He wants to create animosity between brother and brother, brother and sister, father and son, mother and child. These family relationships is where the shaytan is active. That's what he wants to destroy first.

What's the best way to destroy humanity? Destroy the unit that holds humanity together. The unit that holds humanity together is the family. So shaytan is most active in the family. He's most active between parents and kids, he's most active between husband and wife or siblings.

Lessons for Modern Families

This is something we learn about us and our children. We have to warn our kids about things they should be careful about, and we should also be warning our kids about people in our own family sometimes that may be toxic. That's important. It's actually a sunnah of a prophet - now it's a sunnah so important it was recorded in the Quran.

The Power of Validating Words

The Father's Encouragement

"That is how your master, your nurturing master, has especially chosen you."

ljtiba in Arabic is used when someone is chosen for something based on a skill that they have, based on some qualification that they have. When he uses this word for Yusuf عليه السلامhe's telling his son: "You have a skill, you have good qualities in you, and those qualities are the basis on which Allah is choosing you for a special task."

"Allah will teach you - it seems Allah is going to be teaching you how to interpret all kinds of speech, not just dreams. You're able to figure things out - what people say and what's behind what people say."

"And Allah will complete his favor upon you... meaning you have a great future ahead of you. You have a fantastic future ahead of you... and it's the same kind of future, that perfection of Allah's favor that Allah gave to your ancestors Ibrahim and Ishaq - meaning you are part of a proud legacy, you're going to make your ancestors proud."

The Long-Term Impact

These few words were so important, and I'll tell you now why I highlighted these words. Because soon after this conversation, Yusuf عليه السلام has been kidnapped, and soon after that he will not see his father again. It's going to be his entire youth - his childhood is going to be spent in a non-Muslim family. He's going to be a servant in a non-Muslim family. There's no Islamic influence. He's not going to go to Islamic school, he's not going to have masjid access, he's not going to have any sort of Muslim community environment.

He's going to be in Egypt where they don't worship Allah, and he's going to live in a politician's house. After spending some years in that negative environment, he's going to get falsely accused and he's going to end up in jail for a few years. What kind of positive environment is there inside of a jail? What kind of people is he around? He's around criminals for several years.

No matter what negative environment he found himself in, he was able to hold on to his religion, he was able to hold on to the strength of his iman - all from what? From the validating words that his father gave him as a child. When his father told him that you have a bright future, Allah has chosen you, Allah has honored you, Allah has given you a special status, Allah sees something in you, you have a brilliant future - when he internalized that as a child, he's able to take that light, and it doesn't matter what darkness is around him, it doesn't make him dark. He's still got that light inside of him.

The Importance of Careful Words

Why This Matters for Us

Why is that important to highlight for you and me? Because we have to be careful what we tell our kids. We have to be careful how we talk to our kids.

One time I met a fellow who told me - he was doing some work in my house - he told me, "Brother, can you help me with a question?" I said, "What's your question?" He goes, "My son, he's got an anger problem. He punches the wall when he comes home, he kicks things, he yells and screams. I don't know what's going on with him." I was like, "What happened recently?" And he says, "We recently moved from one city to another." I was like, "OK, so he lost all of his friends and he's in a new school. Do you know if they're bullying him at school? Do you know if they're making fun of him? What's going on with him?" He goes, "I don't know. Let me ask... his mother knows. I don't know anything."

There's already a problem. You've got the legacy of Yaqub who doesn't have to ask his son - his son comes and tells him because that's how comfortable father and son are with each other.

The Need for Validation

How many sons and daughters around the world are there starving, dying for the one time their mom or their dad will say, "Son, I'm proud of you. Daughter, I'm proud of you. Allah has given you such a talent. Allah has blessed you. I am so proud to call you my son or my daughter." There are people that die for this and they don't get it from their parents.

And even if they get it - like, for example, one time the daughter decides that she's going to cook something for the first time, she's going to learn to cook to make her mom proud, and she finally learns to cook and makes something good and everybody likes it - the mom says, "It's good... finally, huh? Had to... you have to throw something in... because it took you long enough. Couldn't make anything else, right?" You have to throw something negative in, not just the positive.

The Balance Between Warning and Validation

What we learn from the legacy of Yaqub (عَلَيْهِ ٱلسَّلَامُ - alayhis-salam) is: we can't make our children blind to the negative around them, but we don't make them feel like they're worthless. We have to validate them, we have to inspire them, we have to give them positive words.

Those few positive words you say to your children and you say to your family - you don't know what dark environment they find themselves in, and those words are the only reason they don't fall into darkness. That's a pretty critical thing. It's a really serious thing.

Real-Life Consequences

When Validation is Missing

I would give this khutbah in theory, but I've seen it. I've seen young people make the most terrible mistakes in their life and resent their parents. And when you dig down into it, when they're engaged in all kinds of haram - you would think I should give them a conversation about "don't do haram, fear Allah, you should fear the akhirah," etc. Yes, all of that's true, but there's something else going on that led them down that dark path.

What led them down that dark path is: "Man, my dad always criticized me. All I heard at home was something negative, so I just didn't want to deal with it." And when the shaitan is able to create that negativity inside the home, then young people - your sons and your daughters - are going to find friends and find environments where people appreciate them, where people like something about them, where people make them feel comfortable, where people make them feel validated. They feel like they're worth something here.

The Pattern of Seeking Validation Elsewhere

The more they find that, you'll find that they're spending less time at home, more time outside. Less time at home, more time outside. And by the time they're old enough and they're coming home at 2, 3 and 4

in the morning and you're losing your mind - "What's happening with you?" - and they say, "I can't talk to you. I don't want to deal with your negativity, mom. I can't deal with your comments, please save it."

And you're in shock: "What just happened? My child was so good, they were so quiet, they never talked back, and all of a sudden, look at how they're talking to me. Maybe I should take them to the imam, maybe I should take them to somebody and they can recite some Quran and blow on them and then they'll be fine."

That's not what happened. You weren't there to validate them when they were younger. You weren't there for a real conversation when they were younger. This will brew inside them silently until it erupts eventually. That's human beings - that's not just your child or my child, that's human beings, that's human nature.

Lessons from Yusuf's Later Experience

The Contrast: Negative Words from Brothers

By contrast, it's not just positive words that Yusuf (عَلَيْهِ ٱلسَّلَامُ - alayhis-salam) experiences - he experiences negativity too. His brothers don't like him. I'm sure he hears negative things from his brothers.

Many years later, after surviving all of those trials, he's a minister and his brothers are standing in front of him, and they don't even know that that's their younger brother that they tried to kill. They have no idea. And when the entire fiasco happens with his youngest brother being accused of stealing, what did these brothers say? Listen to this carefully.

They're standing in front of Yusuf, they don't know it's Yusuf, and they're looking straight at him and saying, "Oh, if this one stole, he used to have a brother - he had a stealing problem too." They're telling Yusuf that Yusuf was a thief, and they don't even know they're insulting him to his face. Meaning they used to be degrading and demeaning before.

And what does Allah say about Yusuf (عَلَيْهِ ٱلسَّلَامُ - alayhis-salam)? He says when he heard these words:

"Yusuf kept the feelings he had to himself - the rage he felt, the sadness he felt, the cut and the slander he felt from his own family - he kept it to himself, and he didn't let them see even the look on his face. He kept control and calm and said to himself, 'You're even worse than you used to be.'"

The Lasting Impact of Family Words

Meaning Yusuf (عَلَيْهِ ٱلسَّلَامُ - alayhis-salam) remembers the pain they caused back then. He's an adult, he's gone through many negative things - he's gone through being sold as a slave, falsely accused, years in prison - and

Allah never mentioned that he kept pain inside him or let out some complaint. But now, when his own brothers spoke, the pain came out again.

Meaning human beings are capable of tolerating a lot of difficulty from the outside, but the difficulty that family brings to family is much more difficult to swallow. It's much more difficult to overcome. That's the hardest kind of pain.

So the positive words that come from family are more important than anybody else.

The Professional vs. Family Validation

Some of you have a master's degree, some of you are accountants, some of you are engineers, doctors, whatever you are. When you go to the office, people are proud of you: "Wow, you're so incredible! Your parents must be so proud of you! Your family must be so proud of you!" People want to take a picture with you, people want to just praise you at work - how eloquent you are, how smart you are, how this you are, how that you are.

And none of that - those praises come to you and they fall off of you because they don't mean anything, because when you go home, your family, your own family tells you: "You're worthless. You're a disappointment. Why couldn't you be more like your brother? Why couldn't you be like this? We shouldn't do this, we shouldn't have done that. You call that a real job? That's not a real job. You call that a degree? That's not a real degree."

This is what family does, and then all those accomplishments mean nothing, because when they mean something is when validation comes, supporting words come from the family.

Final Advice and Conclusion

The Trust (Amana) of Our Words

Be careful of these words - they're an amana. These children that we have, this family that we have, the way we speak to them, we have to be very careful. If you have nothing good to say, stay silent. Just don't say anything.

And if family is being negative towards you, it's okay - just walk away. Don't engage with it. Be like Yusuf - keep it to yourself and let it go, because nothing good will come of furthering that kind of negativity for yourself.

The Long-Term Impact

I pray that this is of some benefit to all of you and myself, that we have to take a good look at how we conduct ourselves in our family, especially the sensitive words we use with our children and what effect it can have long-term in their personalities. What will they turn into?

There are people I met - they were called certain names (it's a khutbah, so I can't repeat those names) - they were called certain names when they were children, and they literally said to themselves, "Well, that's what my parents think of me. That's how I'm going to act anyway, because that's what I really am, right? Because who would know me better than my parents? So if that's what they think I am, that's what I am, and that's why I do what I do."

They made that into an excuse to ruin themselves when it started with them being scarred as kids.

Closing Du'a

May Allah protect our children and make us careful with our words and the way we deal with those that have been put under our care. May Allah make us realize the words of the messenger (صلى الله عليه وسلم)

(Bukhari 853, Muslim 1829)

"Every one of you is a shepherd, and every one of you will be asked about their sheep."

May Allah make us responsible over our sheep. May Allah make us responsible over our sheep. May Allah make us responsible over our sheep.