Today you can, tomorrow you cannot

Today You Can, Tomorrow You Cannot

By Nouman Ali Khan

Opening and Introduction

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

This is my last presentation at this conference and I wanted to conclude it with something that ties the theme of this conference together. You all are very familiar with the theme of this conference dealing with saving family tied to the idea of saving society and though we have spoken about practical advice and overall themes and guidelines what I wanted to focus on is a very practical and very close to home area of concern for the family that I don't think has gotten enough attention or any attention at all through the course of this weekend and it must be given some due.

The Reality of Religious Families

I'm going to present to you a scenario in which actually I present to you a reality in terms of which all of us that are sitting in this convention here chances are that the vast majority of your family your cousins, your brothers, etc. etc. they're not very religious and you're the weirdos from your family that came here to the convention and chances are a good number of people in your family don't see eye to eye with you even if they are Muslim when it comes to the religion you are considered an extreme faction within your family you are the object of ridicule during Eid you are the people, the way you dress the way you conduct your social gatherings the way you show up at weddings covered up and etc. etc. you become the object of mocking and ridicule and I want to bring some of this to attention.

This happens to those of you that are raised in Muslim families because even the vast majority of Muslims today the vast majority of them are very far from the practice of the religion and of course this also happens to those of you that made the decision to enter into the fold of Islam and obviously that decision has led to a lot of rift and conflict between yourself and your family and they don't look at you the same way they used to anymore there's this distance between you and your family and the cause of it happens to be Islam itself.

The Journey of Religious Awakening

Now, maybe you were such a person maybe you were a person that wasn't very religious at all and you were living life like the rest of your extended family but something came in your heart and you said you know what, I'm going to take this guidance seriously I don't know how it happened maybe Allah made it happen through some YouTube video or it happened through some khutbah you heard or a friend or however it happened but you decided to make a change for the better in your life.

And when you start changing the behavior in your life the first people to see a change in you will be your own family they will notice it they will notice that you're not the same anymore you don't talk the same, you don't act the same you don't go to the same places you don't even have the same friends anymore and this necessarily happens when you take a turn towards Islam necessarily you start losing friends because your old friends used to do pretty bad things and now you can't do those things with them anymore so you suffer a loss of friends.

Family Reactions to Religious Change

At the same time your family starts saying you're acting a little too weird and for the young man the family might even say what's that thing on your face? you forgot to shave? what happened to you? and the girl starts wearing hijab and the family might even be in shock and this is a Muslim family mind you they'll say take that thing off your head you're going to go out to the wedding looking like that? I can't sit in the car with you like that what do you think we are?

All of a sudden you're the Islamic role model who died and made you Shaykh that all of a sudden we should be looking up to you remember what you were like last year man? you were the party animal now you're going to go make Salah seriously please we know what you're really like. In other words not only have you lost your friends from your family you get the nastiest kinds of sarcasm and criticism all the time, all the time every chance they get they say something to you they say something about your beard they say something about your habits of making Salah they say something about you going to the convention they say something about putting your children in Islamic school they say something about sending your children to Sunday school or you getting up for Fajr or Isha and going to the Masjid they'll have some comments for you and those comments hurt they burn pretty good.

Extreme Family Opposition

This happens to young men in the audience where their parents start telling them to stop hanging out with their other Muslim friends don't go to the Masjid, don't waste your time. I myself know of stories where the father found out that in between classes the son used to because his classes were 3-4 hours apart in between classes he used to go to the Masjid to pray Dhuhr and just study at the Masjid instead of studying at the library where there's plenty of things to look at might as well go make Salah and pray in the Masjid I'll be safer that way dad finds out you're becoming an extremist son I'm going to kick you away because I don't want you to get influenced by this extremism and what is the extremism in the eye of the father? that the boy is making Salah in the Masjid that's extremism for him.

Subhanallah Muslims themselves you think non-Muslims are averse to Islam? have you seen what Muslim families are doing to their own? what parents are doing to their children? I know of cases myself where parents said we will not pay your college tuition we will not look for a wedding made for you until you take that hijab off we will not do it we do not accept you as our daughter until you take that thing off we will not show our face in public with you you can't go with this anywhere this is the mother telling and you know what they'll say what's amazing about that they'll make you feel bad about yourself they'll tell you what kind of daughter are you?

Family Guilt and Shame Tactics

You should be ashamed of yourself you're embarrassing your parents we're Muslim but we're not Muslim Muslim we're not that we're not those kind of Muslims that's not how we do things in our family that's what they'll say our family is different we don't do things like that in our family that's those Masjid people don't be like those Masjid people that's what they'll say.

And you know what's amazing about that? if you look at a portrait of your great grandparents from back in the day good old great grandpa's got a big old beard and you can't even see grandma's face so who's being true to the family and who's an embarrassment to the family this is Muslim families today and you're in the midst of all of this.

Different Responses to Opposition

And you know what happens? because you've made a decision to turn towards Islam if an enemy of Islam came to you and said abandon your religion you'd say oh yeah I'm going to be even more committed you would become energized in your zeal for the religion when the enemy attacks Islam we'd get even more fired up Muslims get fired up in the craziest of ways somebody draws a cartoon about the messenger and Muslims go crazy and they'll burn some other guy's car up or break somebody else's because they're really angry but we get fired up when something happens something questions the dignity of our religion even if it makes sense or doesn't make sense.

But when your own family comes and says look I love you I'm worried about you I don't want you to become this way this is the way of the people who fail out of college who don't have a career who have miserable lives I don't want you to fall into this extreme somebody is putting you under their influence you need to get away from them I'm genuinely worried about you and there are parents like that in this audience actually probably not in this audience but their children are and their parents are actually home worrying what are they learning at the convention.

The Challenge of Family Pressure

There are a lot of kids like that here too and your parents are calling why did you have to go to this place the next thing that's going to be there is the FBI is going to knock down your door because you came to the convention they're paranoid they see stuff on TV and they become paranoid and you're in the middle of all of this and it becomes hard to hold on to your religion in the middle of all of this it becomes hard because it's not the enemy of Islam that's pulling you away who's pulling you away? your own family your own parents your own husband your own wife your own brother your own cousins your own in-laws they're the ones pulling you away so how do you deal with that?

The Wrong Response: Anger

The most inappropriate response to this pressure is anger and you know what? that is the most common response too your parents start yelling at you for growing the beard and you're a young hot-blooded guy what do you do? oh yeah? it's the sunnah you can't tell me what to do you're following culture and I'm trying to follow Islam and you slam the door in their face way to go because that's what Allah wants you to do yell back at your parents and they're just talking about your beard.

What was Ibrahim's father talking about? was he talking about something small or something big? go make sajdah to idols boy and does he lose his cool? does he get angry? we have to learn how to be with our parents even when they call you away from deen it doesn't matter if they're Muslim or not.

Quranic Guidance on Dealing with Parents

"But if they endeavor to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them but accompany them in [this] world with appropriate kindness."

Make you follow what they themselves have no knowledge of don't obey them while at the same time accompanying them in the most dignified fashion. Obeying them is separate respecting them is separate just because you didn't obey them for the sake of Allah when it came to matters of halal and haram or when it came to matter of iman and shirk or kufr just because you didn't obey them does not give you the right to get angry at them you can't you have to maintain family relations.

The Problem of Broken Families

A lot of families have been broken because one side feels that they are religious and the other is too liberal and the religious side gets angry and they don't want to deal with their liberal element the liberal element in their family. You have to learn to be patient with everyone you have to learn to be patient you have to learn to listen to the nastiest sarcasm the nastiest language your mother will tell you I wish you were never born you're such a disappointment you know your husband and wife will tell you you don't look good anymore I don't want to even sleep next to you look at that thing on your face you know they'll say those kinds of things you will hear the nastiest of language from your own family.

The Example of the Prophet's Family Struggles

And you know where this began just so we're trained the Prophet, one of his nastiest enemies probably the worst if you want to make a list of the enemies of the messenger the worst of the worst of the worst Abu Lahab who is Abu Lahab? it's his uncle it's his neighbor too and this uncle of the messenger throws dead animal skin over the wall when he hears the Prophet praying and they throw filth over they leave these thorns in his path so in the morning when he gets up he gets injured.

And you know what the nastiest thing is? when the messenger lost his son when he lost his son even if you have an enemy an enemy that you want to kill and you hear they lost a child you put the sword down and say I heard about your baby I'm sorry to hear that we'll fight tomorrow I'll let you have your condolences for a day you would do that much for even your enemy that's human compassion.

His uncle Abu Lahab hears about the passing of the son of the messenger and goes out of the house celebrating he goes and tells the rest of Quraish (بَتَرَ مُحَمَّد - butira muhammad) Muhammad's name has been cut off he doesn't have any sons nobody is going to pass on his name he goes and celebrates what kind of an uncle I mean on top of that what kind of an enemy I've never heard of an enemy like that so when you talk about animosity inside your family you've got nothing you've got nothing on this man he's been dealing with far worse far worse.

The Importance of Patience with Family

And so what I want to share with you today in order to keep your family intact you have the Muslims here that are hoping to hold on to their religion and I know you are here the vast majority of you are here you're looking for some kind of a boost to your Iman that's why you came here or you came here so maybe your children will hear something good that's why you came here you didn't really come here for the long lines at lunch you didn't come here for that the vast majority of you came here because you're worried about your family.

And I'm telling you I'm telling you if you really are worried about your family you better learn to become extremely patient with the rest of your family that isn't here and will not be here in the near future except if Allah knows best you know you don't anticipate them being here in the near future you don't anticipate them being at the masajid you anticipate them having inappropriate gatherings in their homes but they are still your family and who's gonna give them da'wah.

Allah's Wisdom in Family Selection

And let me tell you something else this is very important you have members in your family listen to this carefully now you have members in your family that are so far apart from you and they are so on the other end of the spectrum from you the only reason you would ever, ever, ever talk to them is because they're family and if they weren't family you would probably not even go down the same street you would never, ever meet them you would never associate with them you would say no, not those kind of people I don't associate with them.

And Allah made it in His qadr that you be part of that family because Allah wanted someone to give them da'wah and He chose it to be you you had to talk to them it was you and you don't like talking to them and that's part of da'wah da'wah is not all entertainment da'wah can be very unpleasant this, what I'm doing right now is not really da'wah this is the easy part this is the part where a speaker comes up and says a few words for 20 minutes and people actually come and sit and listen you try doing that with your family hey guys, come here, I gotta talk to you for 20 minutes what about 40 minutes? some of you have been sitting here for 3 hours.

Try that with your family a halaqah for 3 hours see how that goes we can't have 2 minutes 2 minutes with our brother our daughter, our son our husband, our wife our parents, we can't they don't listen they don't listen.

The Divine Command to Warn Family

But the messenger is told:

"And warn your closest family members"

Go talk to your toughest audience warn your family, the closest ones and the closest ones are the toughest ones. My sister I bring her to seminars with me sometimes gets the best sleep of her life during my lectures the person next to her will say that was awesome she goes, yeah there's something about family you just don't want to hear it.

But I am telling you, I am telling you if it's not your words because naturally we don't take the words of our family seriously oh you're just a kid what are you gonna tell me you're my nephew how are you gonna give me advice the father of Ibrahim says you're my kid you're gonna tell me what to do it's very difficult to listen to your child about religious advice it's very difficult your ego gets in your way and also just your assumptions how will a kid know more than me I know who you are you don't know better than me that's the assumption.

Character Over Words

So if your words aren't going to do it you know what it's gonna have to be it's gonna have to be your character it's gonna have to be your patience it's gonna have to be your thick skin that no matter what they say you're able to laugh it off and still be cordial still be friends still be nice still be courteous still keep the family ties one day they curse you out the next day you call them again and this is the way of the messengers the messengers were cursed and they come back and they make dawah to the same people again and then they're cursed even worse and they come back the next day and they do it again to the point where people are not just cursing at them they're trying to kill them they're trying to kill them.

Imagine how annoyed these people must be with messengers that they're ready to kill them and some even from within their own family what would drive a person to kill a member of their own family just based on words this is how poisonous dawah can be to some people they can't stand it they can't stand it but you still have to be patient with them you still have to continue to invite them this is what we're learning from the messengers.

I tell you my primary job is with my family this is secondary this is all secondary your primary job is with your family your toughest, toughest audience.

Practical Advice for Parent-Child Relations

And in this regard the last thing I will share with you is a little bit of practical advice especially for the younger brothers and sisters here that have horrible relationships with their parents let me tell you something about that if you have a bad relationship with your parents that is the easiest ticket to hellfire easiest ticket to hellfire you cannot afford a bad relationship with your parents you cannot come and say to me I haven't talked to my dad in a few months or we don't really talk about much because if the conversation goes on for more than two minutes he starts criticizing me for everything that I do and I can't take it anymore.

And let me tell you why that happens too why does he blow up every time he talks to you and why does your mom just completely unleash upon you the moment you walk into the house why are they so critical what did they eat for lunch why are they so critical I want to let you know when you were little I told you this yesterday when you were little you wanted their attention all the time but when you got older what happens they want your attention but you got other things to do you never give them any time and when you don't give them time they miss you at first they are sad at first but then they get angry they say at first they are sad but then they get angry my child, my son, my daughter doesn't give me any time and in their head the anger is building.

Understanding Parent's Frustration

And then they see you walk by Assalamu Alaikum and you walk by and you don't say you don't even wait for the Wa Alaikum Assalam you don't even wait for it and they get even angrier and angrier and in their

head there are so many things they want to say to you but they have no opportunity to say them to you so they see you for ten seconds and what do they do they explode they explode on you you know how many things you haven't done this, this, this, this you are like where did this come from have you been memorizing a list this is not spontaneous you must be building this in your mind for a while and yes they have been.

And you could have avoided all of that just by calling them everyday just by spending five minutes with them everyday just by saying how are you doing this is what I did today they don't have to control your life they just want to know what you are doing this is where I am going this is what I did this is what I am going to do you know this was good this was bad and they might have input about it that you may or may not like but listen to it anyway it's ok listen to them give them time and don't make them feel like they are useless don't make them feel like aha yeah sure ok I gotta go not like that make them feel important you have to be the best to them.

Noble Speech with Parents

"And speak to them with noble speech"

Respectful speech that's how you should be with your parents but to kill that rift the other practical piece of advice that I wanted to give you not just giving time to your parents or your spouse but the additional thing that I wanted to say to you is do stuff for them do things for them.

Service as Da'wah

The more religious they see you become they notice that you are more cut apart from the family and they start blaming what for you being cut apart not you but the religion the more religious you become the more of service you should be you should do the groceries even more you should mow the lawn before they ask you should vacuum the house before they ask you should buy your mother flowers spontaneously you should do more and more and more for the family the more you turn to the religion so that they see that this Islam has made my son a better son this Islam has made my daughter a better daughter a better husband a better wife a better brother a better sister a better neighbor Islam made them a better person and I could see it.

But the exact opposite is what is going on now the more religious you get the more confrontational you get the more debating debates you get into the more arguments you get into that's the exact opposite effect because they will not blame you they will blame Islam and when you call them to it they say I don't want to be like you I don't want to be like you you're nasty you're mean all the time and it's probably because you're religious so I want nothing to do with the religion who turned them away from the deen is your own behavior your own behavior.

Individual Responsibility

All of you sitting in this audience today have an obligation to change your behavior towards your family to be better than you were yesterday you have an obligation to do so you have an obligation to do so because this is the means by which we save our family.

Why Make This Effort?

This is my last comment I promise I'm done why should we make this kind of effort why bother to grow the thick skin why bother to put up with all of these insults and still be connected with our family and try to give them dawah in the softest way possible why should we even bother listen to me even if you have a brother that you had a fight with that you had some dispute about inheritance or whatever else and you don't like talking to him if you hear he got diagnosed with cancer you'll call if you hear he got into a car accident you will call you'll forget all of the fights of the past and you'll call anyway you'll show up to the ER anyway because blood is blood blood is blood.

The Ultimate Motivation: Hellfire

Now tell me when we don't give our family dawah we have become content with them heading towards destruction you know the famous ayah it's quoted all the time in this seminar I bet you at least 2 dozen times this ayah was mentioned:

"O you who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones, over which are [appointed] angels, harsh and severe; they do not disobey Allah in what He commands them but do whatever they are commanded."

Those of you who claim to believe save yourselves and your families from hellfire but Allah didn't stop there first you hear that you say yeah I really should make an effort to save my family from the hellfire because that's pretty serious but then you lose motivation so Allah motivates you again in the same ayah He says "وَقُودُهَا النَّاسُ وَالْحِجَارَةُ" it's fuel it is fueled by people and stones another description of fire you read that and you say I better get serious about dawah to my family again but then you get rusty after a while you come back to the ayah it warns you again عَلَيْهَا مَلَائِكَةُ غِلَاظٌ شِدَادٌ upon that hellfire are severe guards, angels that are very tough and very intense in how they execute the punishment.

Now imagine your family being in a situation where there are people torturing them torturing them and Allah is letting you know they will be and they will not back off and they will not care about the crying or the screaming "لَّا يَعْصُونَ اللَّهَ مَا أَمَرَهُمْ they do not disobey Allah and whatever Allah commanded them

Allah commanded them to torture and they will torture and the ayah is not about the kuffar it's about your family.

Never Give Up on Da'wah

If you care about your family you will never get lazy about dawah to them you will always be thinking how can I get something across to them if this didn't work that might work if that didn't work that might work if that didn't work something else might work you're trying to get something through to them and if it's not your speech it may be something else you know I have family that told me Noman I know some people listen to you but I don't and no matter what you say you're wrong so don't bother right family will tell you that and I'll say okay and I'll put somebody else's CD on in the car they might listen to something from someone else so if one thing doesn't work you try something else it doesn't have to be well I already gave them dawah it didn't work.

That's not exactly what we learn from Nuh is it that's not exactly what we learn from Muhammad is it and I let them know there is an akhira they didn't believe I went up and made the announcement and I told them that they're gonna be brought back to life and they laughed it off and they left I guess I should just go to taif now it doesn't work that way it does not work that way you cannot give up on your family you have to take that responsibility you have to learn the religion properly so you can communicate it properly.

The Best Da'wah Through Character

And again the best way to communicate your dawah to your family is you become the reason for which the family remains united you are the source of counsel and help you are there no matter what no matter how bad they are to you you are still the best to them because you're not the best to them it's not tit for tat you're not doing it for them you're doing it for Allah you're not expecting back from them.

Closing Du'a

May Allah make us of those who are the best to their families may Allah make us of those who are able to effectively carry dawah to their families may Allah make us of those who are able to soften that through their words and sincerity Allah softens the hearts of their families that have become hard and have become tough you know like one of my good friends very close friends his mom was non father is Muslim mom is non-Muslim and you know she's been non-Muslim for 22 years and she took shahadah 2 months ago he's been doing dawah for 22 years to his mother and she took shahadah 2 months ago take that as inspiration inshallah ta'ala.

May Allah azza wa jal protect all of us and our families from the hellfire