Time, Love, Praise and Encouragement in Relationships
By Nouman Ali Khan | 2026-01-09T16:10:07.074483+00:00 | Topic: Relationships
Time, Love, Praise and Encouragement in Relationships
Nouman Ali Khan, ICNA Convention 2010
Opening Greetings and Prayer
Peace be upon you, and the mercy of Allah and His blessings. All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the Worlds, and blessings and peace be upon the noblest of prophets and messengers. And upon his family and companions and whoever follows his path until the Day of Judgment.
O Allah, make us among them and among those who believe and do righteous deeds and advise one another to truth and advise one another to patience. Ameen, O Lord of the Worlds.
Thereafter...
Introduction
Pretty much everything I wanted to say has already been said. So, this is gonna be awkward.
But insha'Allah ta'ala, what I'm gonna be sharing with you are some very basic things about relationships within the family. And one of the things that you might find peculiar in these 20 or so minutes that we're spending together is that I'm not gonna be speaking about very high ideals. I'm gonna be talking about some very basic things that I personally feel, actually I'm fairly convinced are plaguing all families, Muslim or non.
And the Muslims, by the way, are no exception to the problems of family in modern times. So the problems that non-Muslims are facing in their family were not too far behind. And to assume that we are somehow immune from the problems of the modern world is a deception.
The Problem with Modern Education
Anyhow, one of the first things I wanna talk to you folks about is education. What nowadays we consider a good education and why do people get an education to begin with? People get an education nowadays to get a good career. That's probably the number one reason you're going to school or you're sending your children to school or plan to send your children to school that eventually they will have a good way of making money for themselves, a career, a meaningful career.
The second reason why people pursue an education is to get credentials. It's kind of a show of respect that I went to college, I graduated, I have a degree. It's kind of a show of I'm a respectable member of society.
When you're not able to finish your high school diploma or go to college or whatever else, it's almost a disgrace in most societies. Especially in societies where the parents didn't have such an opportunity like they were farmers or taxi drivers or whatever else. They dream that their child when he grows up or she grows up, they will definitely get an education.
So the two fundamental reasons for which people pursue an education nowadays is either to get a career or to gain some respect in society. These are the two reasons that are shared by all people. This is not even a Muslim thing.
The Missing Element in Education
This is across the world. Go and ask somebody why they're pursuing an education in Australia or in China or in Pakistan, they'll tell you the same thing. But what I want to add to this discussion and what this has to do with family and relationships is that we're living in strange times where you can have a PhD in biochemistry and you can have a doctorate in nuclear physics or history or political science and the guy does not know how to be a husband.
The guy has no clue how to be a neighbor. He has no idea how to be a good son or a good father for that matter. He has no clue.
I would consider that a basic education. To be a decent son, a decent father, a decent neighbor, basically a decent human being, a decent husband. These are basic things.
But people have pursued and we've defined for ourselves education and other things and when it comes to the very basics of being a decent member of society and a decent member of your family, we are almost completely ignorant. And a lot of times people that are completely ignorant may even be extremely knowledgeable in religion. This is the crazy one.
The religion that came to make you a decent person, the religion that came to make you a respectable human being, that gave you your dignity back, people have knowledge of this religion, they're attending courses, seminars, listening to speeches, memorizing surahs, studying tafsir, and yet they don't have the wherewithal on how to talk to their wife or talk to their mother. They don't know how to carry a conversation on the phone. They lose their temper all too easily.
Subhanallah. It's incredible. It's really ironic.
Observations from Muslim Communities
So what I want to focus on are some very basic things. I've traveled, subhanallah, it's a gift of Allah to me. I'm grateful, eternally grateful that I've had the opportunity to see over 150 Muslim communities all over the US.
Masjid to masjid to masjid, community to community to community. And you know what I see? I see the same thing. I see the same exact mistakes being repeated by us over and over and over and over again.
And you know who comes to me all the time and says, can you talk to my children? Parents of teenagers. Parents of teenagers come to me all the time. You know I have my son, he just doesn't listen to me anymore.
Can you talk to him? Like I have some prescription drug that I carry with me that, you know, oh you know what it is, the son comes over, I'm gonna be like, and all of a sudden, he'll be this amazing kid. But if you just talk to him, no, no, no, no. What if you talk to him? And where were you when there was time to talk to him? Let me tell you something about, I'm gonna talk about parents first a little bit, then I'll talk about couples and that's the only time we have two things.
Two kinds of fundamental relationships, your relationship with your children and your relationship with your spouse. So we'll talk about some very basic things in regards to both.
The Foundation of Parenting: Time and Attention
When your children are little, when they're little, when they're 5, 6, 7, 2, 3, 4, you know what the most important thing to them is? I have five of those, I could tell you.
I could tell you. The most important thing to them is your approval. They wanna make you proud, man.
They wanna show you what they did. I'll be on an important work phone call, important work phone call, and my son will come over, my two-year-old will come over, Abba, Abba, Abba, Abba, Abba. Like, okay, hold on.
What is it? Eh, nothing. I'll go back on the phone and he'll start calling me again. Okay, okay, okay.
What is it? I wanna show you something. What do you wanna show me? That is it. But you know what I'm supposed to do? Oh my God, that's awesome.
Do it again. I'll call you back. You're supposed to appreciate what your children do.
They live for that. They desire that more than anything else. I have three girls.
And you know the difference between girls and boys. Boys can't sit still and girls can't stop this. Right? So I pick my girls up from school.
One's in first grade, the other's in third grade. I pick them up from school. It's a 25-minute ride back home.
And what are they doing the whole way? You know what happened today in class? We colored a dinosaur and we did this and that. And I was coloring it purple but I decided to put in some green. And they're going on and on and on and on.
And they cannot help themselves. And they cannot stop. And I have to pay attention and listen.
I have to listen. I say, oh, what about blue? No, I did only a little bit blue. Right? I have to pay attention.
And you know why I'm saying all of this? Just one more story on the side just to wake you up a little. I share this story all the time. My oldest daughter, my eldest, how's she now? When she was younger, she was really into finger painting.
So she dip her hands in paint and just making a big old mess. Right? And she brings this big cardboard to me. And it's a big blob of blue.
I don't see anything. Right? And she says, look what I made. And I'm sitting there going, that's awesome.
A mountain. And she says, no, it's mama. And I was like, oh.
Don't tell mama. But the point I'm trying to make is they live for your approval. Live for it.
The Consequences of Neglect
But those of you that have children that are teenagers, do they get in the car when you pick them up from school? And they can't stop telling you about what happened. Does that happen? You know what happened in school today? My teacher said this and that and the other. And I got an A on my paper.
Nope. They're quiet. And you're trying to know, how was your day? It was okay.
So what did you do? Something. Where are you going today? Somewhere. They don't talk.
Getting them to talk is like an interrogation at a police station. And they're not saying anything to you.
And while you're trying to ask them questions, they're texting their friend, my dad is asking too many questions today.
You know. I don't know what's up. Did you tell him something? What I'm trying to get at is very simple.
At a younger age, your children crave your attention. And when they get older, you will crave their attention. But if you don't give them attention when they're tiny, when they come to you with their toys and you say, go in your room, I'm watching the news.
The game is on. Could you take him please? Come on. I had a long day at work.
I don't want to deal with this right now. I have friends over. It's embarrassing.
Go to sleep. Go get out of here. When you have this attitude towards your children, like they're an obstacle in your path.
Your job was at work. When you come home, you're on vacation. No buddy, your job began when you came home.
That's your job. What you did over there is just to fulfill your real job at home. Be a father.
I'm talking to the men here. Be a father. Spend time with your children.
They're not just there. So you put them in school and you come home from work, you just want to go to sleep. You don't want to bother with anybody.
You don't want to talk to them. And actually the easiest way to not talk to them is get them an iPod touch and an iPhone. Get them a computer and a laptop in their own room with high speed internet.
So you don't even have to look at their face. They could just be in their room all day Facebooking. Finding themselves a new set of parents online.
Seriously. Be a father. Be a mother.
Don't replace your motherhood and your fatherhood with these things. Because if you do, when they become independent.
You know what happens to most parents? To most of you, your children, they only see you as a bunch of dollar signs walking around.
And the only time they come and talk to you, Dad, can I have 5 bucks? Actually nobody asks for 5 bucks anymore, right? It's 20s nowadays. And I know youth, they haven't seen money that small. They don't know fives.
Can I have 20 dollars? Can I go to the mall? Can you drop me off? Can I go over to my friend's house? Can I do this? Can I do that? Can I do the other? When they want something they come to you.
Otherwise, you don't see them. And when they get to a certain age where they are old enough to make their own little bit of money, guess what? You're not gonna see them at all.
Because your cash register is no longer relevant. That's no longer relevant. If this is the relationship you are setting yourself up for, you're headed for destruction.
Building Strong Relationships with Children
We gotta change this now. And the way to change it, and it's gonna be hard for a lot of you to implement this, but we have to be friends with our children. We have to be their best friends.
They should enjoy hanging out with us the most. The parents. The parents should not be a nuisance.
The parents should be a joy to children. They should be a joy to them. And being good parents doesn't mean you get them toys and you get them nice things and you get them nice clothes.
That's all there and that's fine and dandy. But the most important thing you give them right now is your time. Especially in this society where so many things are pulling away at their time.
And the thing you are not able to give them, you can give them their own room, you can give them money, you can give them allowance, you can give them clothes, but you don't give them time. And
when you don't give them time, they separate themselves mentally from you. They cut themselves off.
They learn to become independent at an early age. And independent in this society really means alienated. It doesn't just mean independent.
This is a serious matter on how to raise our children. We have to openly communicate with them. And that's the other thing.
Keeping Communication Open
And part of this communication, only one more thing about parents before I go to marriage. Just one more basic thing about parenting in this society. You know there are certain things in Islam that are absolutely unacceptable.
They're taboo, they're forbidden, they're haram, they're evil. But our children see them everyday. They see this stuff everyday.
You can't even avoid it. They're looking out their window and they see a billboard. You know, they're just watching cartoons and an ad comes on.
They see this stuff and you put them in, most of you put them in school and I don't even say Islamic schools are safe. Because most kids in Islamic school are watching the same shows that the kids in public school are watching. And they're talking about it at the school too.
Let's face reality for a moment. They are exposed to a lot of stuff. They really are.
So the first time your daughter comes home and starts talking about some, you know, some Disney boy that they're pushing in the media or some girl that sings a lot of songs and these are filthy role models, filthy. They're worse than animals. I'd rather my children watch like puppet animals than watch these people.
Because they behave worse than animals, wallahi. These the Hannah Montana's of the world are the filth of the planet. They really are.
And I've seen this. Little Muslim girls with hijab on going to Islamic school with a Hannah Montana book bag. What is wrong with you parents? What happened to you? This is unacceptable.
But when your children bring something like that up, they say something like that. They say something that is completely unacceptable to you. What happens to most parents? This is wrong.
You don't talk about these things. Astaghfirullah. Say astaghfirullah.
He's like, Fine, I guess you don't want to talk about it. I'll just talk to my friends about it then. And you know what you just did? You basically told them if you have something that is of this nature, of a
controversial nature, don't talk to me about it.
But does that mean they'll not talk about it at all? They will talk to someone and who's it gonna be? Their friends. Most of the time they're non-Muslim friends from whom they will get non-Muslim kinds of advice. You close the doors to communication.
And me being from the background I am, my ancestry is Afghan. So I have a hot temper. So my daughter came home one day, preschool, my daughter was in preschool, but we have this, we're very possessive of our daughters, you know.
So she comes home and she says, you know, Ahmad was so funny in class today. I was like, who's Ahmad? And my wife says to me, calm down. Let me talk to her.
You go away. You can't handle this. And she talks to him.
It was nothing. He just fell off the chair. He was saying it was funny.
It's very innocent. But if she hears, my dad really gets upset when he hears the name Ahmad or Sharif or whatever, so I better not bring it up. I better not tell my parents what happened at school.
Then I've shut the doors of communication. I've made that mistake. And a lot of parents made that mistake and they're paying the price now.
And they're listening to this and they're shedding tears because they're remembering the mistakes they made. They really are.
Marriage: The Foundation of Society
But let's switch gears quickly inshaAllah and talk a little bit about marriage.
The other fundamental, the core component of a healthy society. We cannot talk about da'wah. We cannot talk about establishing a harmonious Islamic society until we have a harmony inside the household.
But our households are the places of chaos. How are we talking about higher ideals in da'wah when our homes are broken?
Husband and wife are arguing every day. Sarcasm inside the house.
Nasty commentary towards each other. You know, you're really not that pretty. Or you don't know Yusuf (عَلَيْهِ ٱلسَّلَامُ) yourself.
You don't see me cutting my hands. Unnecessary sarcasm. Unnecessary hurtful commentary towards each other.
Hurtful words to it. And you know, a lot of times you know exactly what's gonna annoy your wife and you do it anyway. And a lot of times the women, they know exactly what's gonna get under his skin.
And they'll say it anyway just to see what happens. Right? And who's watching all of this? While you're doing this to each other.
These word games you're playing with each other and this battle inside the house.
Who's watching? Who's the real victim? The children. The children are learning this behavior. What kind of parents are they gonna be when they grow up? There's no sense of forgiveness inside the marriage.
The Hypocrisy in Our Treatment
You know, the Muslim man, a lot of you who work in the public sphere and corporate or whatever else, you'll go to work, your secretary, highly inappropriately dressed, is smiling at you. How's it going, Muhammad? How's your day? And like, it's pretty good. Yeah, you know.
And you're having like 5-minute conversation with the secretary. You come home, the wife says, how was your day? I don't wanna talk about it. I had a long day at work.
This is what we're doing inside our homes. Ruining our own relationships with our spouses. When was the last time? Let me ask the brothers.
I'm not in a position to speak on behalf of the sisters because I'm not one. They should be getting advice from sisters. But let me talk about... Get on your case for a minute.
On my own. When was the last time you got her a gift, man? When was the last... You took her out to the bazaar over there and she picked something. No, no, no, put that back.
Put that back. When was the last time you got her something? Without her asking. When was the last time you hung out with her? Just took her out for some ice cream for no reason.
They don't ask for much. They also just ask for your time. They only ask for your time.
Wallahi, there are sisters who complained to me and I couldn't believe my ears. They complained to me that they haven't seen their husbands forever because when they come home they sit on the computer and just YouTube away the whole night. And they haven't seen their crying.
It's like we're not even married anymore. Get off the computer, man. You have a wife, you have children to deal with.
That's your priority. What are you sitting there listening to Islam? What Islam is that? You know I was late to this lecture. I was supposed to be here at 10 o'clock.
I got here at 10.25. You know why? I was stuck at the elevator. You know how crazy the elevator is in the Marriott? I was there because I have to deliver burgers to my kids. How am I gonna come here and give a lecture about relations with family and my kids are hungry? So I'll be late.
I'll deliver the burgers first. We have to be courteous to our family. We have to extend.
We have to be the best to them. The messenger tells us:
(Tirmidhi hadith 3895)
The best of you are the best to their family. Who can claim, I'm the best, I'm my best self to my family.
You guys are so much nicer to your friends, so much nicer to your co-workers, so much more courteous to the police officer who pulls you over. But you cannot extend that kind of courtesy to your mother. You can't talk to her for 10 extra minutes.
The moment she starts getting a little annoying and starts telling you all the things you don't do right, you say, I gotta go, I got another phone call. Can't talk right now. Listen to her.
Sit there and listen to her. This is what you're supposed to do. That's your job.
She didn't do that with you. I can't hear your crying right now. Go in the other room, shut it.
Deal with it yourself. Your mother carried you. She took care of you.
The Foundation of All Relationships
We have to be the best to our spouses. We have to be the best to our parents. These are fundamentals in relationships.
And by the way, all the other relationships get fixed if these two are fixed. And these two, the only way they'll be fixed is your relationship with Allah is fixed. So if you have marriage problems and parental problems, you know what the real problem is?
Taqwa and Iman.
You're not grateful enough. Your spouse is a gift of Allah to you. And to be ungrateful to a gift is to be ungrateful to Allah (عز وجل)
Your parents are a gift of Allah to you. So if you don't have a good relationship with them, who are you actually being ungrateful to? Think about that. Think about that.
Practical Steps for Improvement
Subhanallah. I urge you seriously, start having dinner with the family. Don't eat by yourself.
Don't eat at a separate time. Make a time. Make at least one.
I'm not demanding too much from you at all. Seriously, make small commitments. Set a time in the day where the whole family gets together and prays together.
And it's a set time. Just like there's a set time for the TV show, and there's a set time for homework, and there's a set time for you get back to work, there's a set time we pray Maghrib together. There's a set time we pray Isha.
Just one prayer at least. You get together with the family and you pray together. You pray together.
That in and of itself is huge. It's enormous. You could at least do this, this much.
Just start with this. You know. Inside the house, and you will begin to see a better relationship with your wife and your children.
The Concept of Balance in Islam
You know. The final comment I want to make before you, inshallah ta'ala, is about balance. And this is a long discussion.
I'll open it, but I'll leave you to think about it. One time the Messenger (صلى الله عليه وسلم) was asked about what Islam is. What is this deen? So he has to give a brief answer.
He has to sum up the entire religion in very brief language. And he chose this ayah from Surah An-Nisa. This one ayah, which summarizes the entire deen.
And what ayah is this?
It is no doubt Allah who commands you to fulfill the rights of people, the trust that have been given to you, to give them back in full to those who deserve them. People have a right over you, people have entrusted you with something, and you should fulfill it completely. That is what Allah commands you.
And whenever you make decisions between people, make those decisions with justice. Make them with justice. I won't go through the rest of the ayah, let me tell you something.
The Challenge of Balancing Responsibilities
Especially to the men and those who are responsible, the shepherds of the household. You are pulled in different directions.
The deen is pulling you, your job is pulling you, your wife is pulling you, children are pulling you, your parents are pulling you.
You have all these obligations to all these different things. And sometimes your mother asks you to do something which will be a violation of your wife's rights. And your wife will ask you to do something that will be a violation of your mother's rights.
And there's a battle going on and who's stuck in the middle? Who's taking the beating? On one phone call with the wife, the other with the mother, and who's in the middle? The husband. And a lot of times what ends up happening is either he sides this way or he sides that way. But you know what we have to be? We have to be just.
We have to be the nicest, the kindest to our parents but we cannot lose the side of justice. You don't have the right to violate the rights of your wife. Allah didn't give you that right.
No, you cannot fulfill somebody else's obligations at the expense of somebody else's. You cannot do that. Your children have a right over you.
Nothing can take that away. You will be answerable to Allah for not fulfilling the rights of your children. You have an obligation to your spouse.
You have an obligation to your parents. And each of them are separate spheres. Don't confuse them with each other.
You have a tough job. You signed up for it. You're the one who wanted to get married.
You signed up for it already. So you better learn to deal with it. This is a balance you'll have to establish.
And wallahi, if you don't establish that balance, in your house there will be chaos. They will be fighting all the time. They will be fighting all the... between in-laws and children and husband and wife and all kinds of craziness in your home.
Because you haven't learned how to balance yet. You haven't learned how to fulfill your obligations yet. And the role of the spouses, the wives is to help their husbands find a balance.
Not just to fulfill their agenda because they will be answerable to Allah as well. They're supposed to support their husbands and help them. Stop being sarcastic towards each other.
Stop complaining about each other. Just do your part. Don't expect from your wife.
Don't expect from your husband. Expect from Allah. Just do what you're supposed to do.
What you deserve will come from Allah, will not come from your spouse. Get over it. Stop whining and stop complaining.
The Importance of Gratitude
The moment you start complaining, you are already not taking into consideration all the good things Allah has given you. And this is what I conclude with. How many things has Allah given us that we should be grateful for? How many things has Allah given us that we should be grateful for? We can't count.
We can't even count one ni'mah.
If you were to try to count one ni'mah of Allah, one blessing of Allah, you would not be able to encompass it.
Allah's favors are countless upon us. So if you find the time to complain, that means you didn't have enough time to thank Allah for so many things that you have enough time to complain about things. This is the height of ingratitude.
It's the height of ingratitude when someone starts complaining. Quit complaining. Quit complaining.
If you have problems, learn to be grateful to Allah first and have sabr. The key to sabr is being grateful to Allah. And if you don't have patience, it means you're not grateful enough.
Really, if you don't have patience, the secret is you're not grateful to Allah enough. You open up the fridge, there's 10 different kinds of soda. You say, where's the orange juice? God, I told you to get it.
You're not grateful enough for what you have in front of you. We have to learn to be grateful. We have to teach our children this gratitude.
We have to teach them to be grateful for what Allah has given them. We have to make them children that are used to giving, not getting. We're making them consumers.
We're making them zombies. Get me this, get me that, get me this, get me that. If they're like this when they're children, what are they gonna be like when they're adults? How is it a shock then that they're gonna be fighting over the inheritance when they get older? When they're like this, you take them to Toys R Us yourself so they can cry about all the 2 million dollars worth of merchandise that you still left behind after you left the store.
Right? We're doing that to our own children. We have to get our act together. These are not high and holy things.
These are basics that form the foundation of healthy relationships. Let's educate each other about them. Let's make a serious commitment to raise the right kind of family.
Conclusion and Call to Action
Let's fix ourselves. Let's spend time with our family together. Let's make that our first priority.
Wallahi, if the family is good, the community is okay. And all the problems you see in the community, you know, they're not community problems. They start with family problems.
Let's fix those first. May Allah عز وجل make us of those who are able to save themselves and their families from the hellfire. May Allah عز وجل make us of those who are able to be patient, the most patient with their own family.
May be the most merciful to their own family, the most forgiving to their own family. And may Allah make us of those who are able to reconnect the bonds that have been cut because of fighting and disputes and arguments. May we become those who make the call back and say, you know what, no more silence.
I'm gonna call my dad back. So what if we had a fight six months ago? I'll call him back today after this conference. At least that's one promise I make to Allah.
I will reconnect those relationships. I will go apologize to my wife for what I said. I'll go apologize to my husband for what I did.
I will fix myself now because this is what I owe to Allah عز وجل. May Allah make us of those people. May Allah عز وجل forgive our shortcomings.