The Rights & Responsibilities of Marriage

The Rights & Responsibilities of Marriage

Introduction and Overview

I have about 15 minutes to address all of you and this is a very critical subject and there's so much that can be said about it and I'm really glad that Altaf Pai's presentation actually was very comprehensive and it touched upon a lot of things that really need to be given a lot of discussion. Each, actually each one of his points is chapters in the book of marriage and really it should be taken very very seriously. All of those things can be mentioned very easily in a sentence or two but when it comes to implementing them in our family lives it's actually a very heavy discussion.

And the few minutes I have with you I have to be selective in what I think is pertinent and you know what I think inshallah to share with all of you. I see these conference presentations not just as opportunities for rhetoric and takbirs at the end but also as opportunities to share food for thought. And I want to pretend for a few moments that I'm just talking to a family that I know, just one of you, just a family that I know and there's a marriage that's about to happen in your family.

The Crisis of Trust in Marriage

You're about to get your daughter married or you're about to get your son married. And I just want to share some very relevant, I regards to this matter. You know marriage is all about trust from the very beginning and it's one thing that unfortunately I'm noticing more and more in the premarital process is missing.

The foundation of two families coming together if it's not trust and transparency and openness there's going to be clearly problems after marriage. You know marriage has almost become like a very difficult sale. You know you go to a car dealership and the car salesman presents his best self and the best features of the car, right? And he gets really offended if you ask difficult questions, right? And if you if you start asking about the transmission problems that have been reported previously or the recall or anything else he'll just, you know, I don't know if I want to deal with this.

The Marketing Problem in Marriage

You see what I'm saying? What's happened to us in the marriage discourse is that we actually market ourselves. The boy and the girl and even the families they market themselves. So they turn the house into something it's not when they are coming over, when the in-laws are coming over.

They turn themselves and their conversations into something that aren't genuine. That's not really a representation of who they are. How many families I can't even count and he and she are in the counseling profession they can tell you. How many families would come and say we did we had no idea they were like this. Had no clue who we were dealing with. They were completely different people before.

You know and this this kind of scamming which you would think would happen in the sales industry is actually happening in the institution of marriage and that's a crisis as a matter of fact.

The Problem with Superficial Conversations

We offer you know and some of the more I guess forward-thinking families that aren't as conservative quote-unquote they say okay no let the boy and girl talk to each other. Let them email one another. Let them have a few conversations. But at this point both of them are so like blind and they're so interested in just getting the the celebration and the you know this the new dress and the you know the gifts and the you know all this stuff. They're so caught up in the hype and all the congratulations they're getting and all the phone calls and text messages that even when they talk to each other it's actually empty fluff conversations.

And they see the what they want to see in the spouse. They don't they're not able to have an intellectually sound conversation. A lot of times the young men and the young women because you know the love the eye of love can't see. You know what you're already infatuated with the idea so it's a you have a hard time seeing any flaws and that infection actually lasts a little bit longer even after marriage for the first couple of weeks. You can't see any flaw in your spouse. Even the way she sneezes you like it's amazing.

Subhanallah. The way the boogers just spread out. It's you know Allah really made us for each other. But then it starts wearing off and reality starts setting in. How come you never told me this or that or the other. I didn't realize you're this way or that way or the other way you know.

Call for Maturity in the Marriage Process

So first my encouragement to the families and to the young people that are looking to get married is to first to be mature in this process. There's a place for love and emotions and infatuation and I tell you you have to put the brakes on that until the marriage is really really close and everything else is settled. There's some other really serious things that need to be settled first you know.

A Message to the Elders About Hidden Problems

Then the other thing I want to talk to is the elders specifically the elders in our communities. You people are so worried sometimes about your messed up kids that you say maybe if we marry him to a good girl or we marry her to a good boy things will work out fine. So all the really messed up things you know about your child you don't tell anyone.

You don't tell even the family that you're dealing with and you keep it hidden as best you can because if they found out they wouldn't marry your child and on top of that of course you're suffering from some kind of schizophrenia in which you tell yourself to lie so much that we have a good boy that you start believing it yourself and in the face of reality. I mean your child is coming home. That's not a child. It's a man. Your son is coming home at two three in the morning. He can't even stand up straight.

Oh he must have been making tahajjud. The you know the tafseer seminar must have been later. Come on. A lot of times our parents know that the man had the young man has a drug problem. He's got an alcohol problem. He's got a clubbing problem.

Real-Life Examples of Deception

I'm not even qualified for this sort of thing. I get e-mails brother. We were talking the conversations were going well between our families. He's actually from you know back home from the same neighborhood. Our families know each other. By the way that doesn't mean anything anymore because those families are not the same when they fly over.

OK. So if you knew them back in the 70s or something then that's not a formula to gauge that. Oh we know their family. No you don't. They don't even know their own family bro. He doesn't even know his own cousins. His uncle his aunt. It's not the same family. That's a very shallow gauge.

Anyhow they say you know we got he was used to go to the masjid. We saw him making i'tikaf. He was praying. He even has a little bit of a beard. Alhamdulillah. It's a good boy. And then you know my parents got me married to him and I thought it was OK. The first time we went out to eat. True story. First time we went out to eat. He ordered a beer. And I'm sitting there what's going on. What are you doing. He goes what's the big deal. You know why are you flipping out. Calm down. And this is the this is the reality of like the lack of foundation in many marriages. And so we shouldn't complain about the divorce rate because there's sometimes really justifiable. There's some really serious situations out there that we have to deal with. And I'm not advocating for divorce. But I am saying look there's a reason these kinds of things are happening and there's some really fundamental realities that we're choosing to close our eyes to that we can't afford to anymore for the sake of our own sons and our own daughters.

The Problem of Dropping Standards in Social Interaction

You know then there's the second matter that I want to talk to you about. This is just one dimension of the many dimensions that can be spoken about post marriage after marriage. And this starts this problem starts before and it permeates after we're living in a society in which the standards of the standards of shame holding yourself back regard you know some kind of reservation between yourself and the opposite gender.

Those standards are dropping. I'm not complaining about the Kuffar. I'm talking about the Muslim community in our homes. OK. In our homes. By the way license plate number GQ. I'm kidding. In our homes and in our lifestyles now our social interactions have become very permissive even within the semi-religious semi-conservative circles. We've got a couple of extremes.

The Two Extremes in Muslim Communities

On the one hand we have these some families in our in our community and we've got we get all colors of the spectrum in America. Right. So we get some families that are so incredibly conservative that women are actually evil. So if you see them anywhere near the mosque it's a lot of them. And you know you know you might get into a car accident in the parking lot because you're trying to get away from it. But I mean the sister you know there's that extreme you know.

And then there's the other extreme where it's all good in the hood and you're socializing like it's your own brother. It's not your brother. You know it's the husband of your friend. It's not someone you should just be chitchatting with unnecessarily you know. So there is actually a line in the middle that needs to be respected. And if we don't respect it you know what happens when the when when we have a lot of interaction of course social gatherings things like iftars and dinners and you know things like that and we we get together with other families and young couples get together and there's a potluck and things like that in these kinds of gatherings.

The Central Role of Surah An-Nur in Marriage Guidance

I want you to understand the one of the fundamental central pivotal surahs in the Quran about marriage is surah an-nur. Right. It's one of the pivotal surahs about marriage. And in this surah it seems at first glance it deals with too many varied topics like it starts with people who violate the sanctity of marriage the zani. It starts with them the fornicator the adulterer right. It talks in the you know it talks also deals with the scandal that was started about the marriage of the prophet sallallahu alayhi wasalam. Also a subject matter you know the accusation made against Aisha radiyallahu anha. Also a matter dealing with marriage.

Quranic Rules for Entering Homes

It also deals with some rules that should be observed inside the house. For instance for instance those of you who believe:

"Don't enter homes that aren't yours until you seek permission and greet their inhabitants."

In other words let them prepare let the you know the women cover themselves or you know take caution that a non-mahram is coming in. There needs to be some adjustments made when a stranger is about to come into the home.

So watch out. You know I mean those kinds you know they say in Arabic I repeat this a lot of times (إِنَّ النَّبِيهَ مَنْ يَفْهَمُ الْإِشَارَةَ - Inna al-nabeeha man yafhamu al-ishara) The intelligent one understands the hint). In Urdu we say the same thing.

When Allah is saying make yourself known before you come into somebody's house it's to allow the family to adjust themselves. But you know what it's there's no adjustment anymore it's all good you know.

The Command to Lower the Gaze

And the very next ayahs are about lowering your gaze. That's incredible. Lowering your gaze where? In the original context of the surah where? In the house. Yes you should lower your gaze when you're walking in the mall. You should lower your glance because you're going to see inappropriate things especially husbands. Watch out lower your eyes especially husbands. Shaytan will want you to be uninterested in your wife. That's what he wants you to be and he wants you to you know compare her to whatever you see on the street or whatever you see anywhere else you know lower your eyes.

But you know what more important than all of those virtual kinds of pleasures that people are pursuing more important than all of that the people you're interacting with on a regular basis you're going to see them over and over and over again particularly in those cases lower your eyes you know. It's really disturbing I've even heard husbands talk about how well somebody else's wife was dressed. I mean that's disgusting for a Muslim community. It's violating the sanctity of marriage even in certain what we would consider not criminal behaviors. Well it's not haram to sit and have dinner together is it? It's not I'm not saying it is but I am saying it does have psychological consequences. It does have social consequences.

The Connection Between Rules and Spirituality

And what's really one of the most remarkable things to me personally in this surah, surat an-nur specifically surah an-nur is right after this conversation about certain rules around the house even certain rules about when whether your children can come into the bedroom or not and when they can and when they can't and the fact that they should ask permission. How many of you and myself even have set the rules like that in the house? Beta when you come into my room knock first ask if you can come in. Don't just knock and walk in that's the other thing right just I knocked you know knock and ask permission and then walk in you know and there are certain hours even Allah set in the ayat there are certain ayat where they should do that in certain ayat it's fine it's open policy open door policy.

I know my time's up okay one minute cool I thought I was up so those rules have been set in place and then in this same surah Allah azzawajal talks about the ayat of the light in the heart the light in the heart this is the same surah that talks about khimar the covering of the woman but everything else seems to be related to marriage and guarding haya and all of a sudden there's a conversation about the deepest elements of spirituality probably the most profound passage in the quran on spirituality in this same surah why because we're being taught look observing these things will help your spirituality and violating these things will hurt your spirituality the light in your heart will be will be hurt will be damaged if you don't address these things they have direct consequences.

Conclusion and Personal Reflection

These are the few things I mean again 15 minutes is very little time I don't I don't even think I should give longer speeches in 15 minutes because I'm in the teaching profession and I have respect for something called attention span which Muslims alhamdulillah face extra special problems with but uh you know because we we were used uh used to on a weekly basis we attend a convention every week it's called juma prayer and alhamdulillah we get some of the best sleep of our life in those 20 minutes you know first thing we hear is alhamdulillah next thing we hear is aqam salat you know you know so I'm I'm mindful of that but hopefully some of these things are conversations you can have with your family and really reflect upon how you and I are conducting ourselves you know in our households.

I worry about my daughters and how I'm going to get them married and my boys I really do not just in how I'm going to raise them which is a big problem but the other problem is where am I going to get find the families that see life the same way beyond just the the appearances where am I going to find those those real men of the future and those real women of the future may Allah help us grow those real men and those real women and may Allah protect the sanctity of marriage in our homes and give us the ability to have a clear transparent just and merciful process even for the getting for our getting our children married.