The Jahaliyyah of Martimonials

The Jahaliyyah of Matrimonials

By Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan

Opening Du'a and Praise

All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds, and blessings and peace be upon the master of the prophets and messengers, and upon his family and companions, and those who follow his sunnah until the Day of Judgment. O Allah, make us among them and among those who believe and do righteous deeds, and enjoin one another to truth and enjoin one another to patience. Amen, O Lord of the worlds. Then, to proceed: I seek refuge in Allah from the accursed Satan.

"[Those] who avoid the major sins and immoralities, and when they are angry, they forgive."

"My Lord, expand for me my breast [with assurance] And ease for me my task And untie the knot from my tongue That they may understand my speech."

Amen, O Lord of the worlds.

Once again, assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.

Introduction: Understanding the Topic

I have been given this really awesome topic. The title of it, when I saw the title I was like "Oh my god, this is gonna get me in a lot of trouble" - "Light-skinned Muslimah seeking doctor."

But anyway, I think the controversial, or at least the provocative topic, is a good segue into a bigger problem that I'm gonna try to articulate before you as clearly as I can. It's a much bigger topic than 32 minutes and 55 seconds, but still I think I can present enough food for thought in this conversation that you can carry as a conversation in your own families.

The Priority: Changing Family Decision-Making

For me personally, the biggest priority is changing the way a family makes its decisions. That's the biggest priority. If we can affect how parents, children, young people, married couples - how they reach their decisions for their family and what kind of decisions they make - then we're heading in a better direction, inshallah. So this is really a focus on your family and my own.

The Changing Reality of Marriage

How Things Used to Be

The first thing I want to say is the way people used to get married back in the day - back in the day I mean I'm talking about 30 years ago - back in the day was very different from now. It was very, very different. And it was different in the Muslim world, in the Arab world, in the Southeast Asian subcontinent, in the Africas. It's just a different way of approaching the subject of marriage.

When young people become of age, then the elders, because all the families know each other - they live in the same neighborhood and all of that - so somebody's cousins with somebody's cousins with friends says "hey what about him for her? What about her for him?" And a conversation begins. And because all of these connections exist, eventually somebody marries someone within the extended acquaintances. And if it's not within the extended family, it's very close to the extended family. And so there's this proximity benefit that Muslims have enjoyed for a long time.

The Current Reality: Isolation in New Lands

But the world has changed. And with the increase in the economic capitals of the world constantly shifting and moving, people move because of work and people move because of education. And so many of you, your families moved here because of continuing education or to pursue a career or to start a business. And these are all legitimate reasons - I'm not here to tell you "you came here for dunya, (أستغفر الله - astaghfirullah) go back." I'm not here to tell you that. These are realities, these are legitimate realities that exist.

And so when we moved here, for the most part, one of the things that we experienced in Muslim communities is that we became isolated - increasingly isolated. So your neighbor's not necessarily a Muslim, and if by chance they are, they're probably not from the same country, and certainly not from the same zip code in Sialkot or Lahore or somewhere. They're not from the same town.

The Masjid and Community Disconnection

So you're around Muslims and even when you go to the masjid or you go to the mosque - which is probably one of the few places where Muslims congregate - you're meeting people of very many different ethnicities. So Muslims don't really have a place where families get to know each other much, especially if the masjid operates the way a traditional masjid operates. In other words, if a masjid is a place where men mostly go pray, women sometimes show up for Jumu'ah and then everybody goes back home, then the masjid is not a place where families get to know each other. That's not a place where that happens.

The Consequences of Isolation

So pretty much we're an isolated people. And especially for those of you who have older parents who are retired perhaps or they're not in their careers anymore, they're even socially isolated. So they don't know anyone. And a lot of those kinds of parents have daughters, and they don't know what to do with them because no proposals are coming - not because your daughter is hideous, but because you don't know anyone and you actually haven't talked to anyone.

And so you keep making your daughter feel bad. And I've had those cases where parents keep telling their daughter "Nobody's coming for you, you know?" And so the first guy that walks in - "Just do it, because ain't nobody else coming, you know?" "Dad, he's missing an eye." "He's like... he walked into the house backwards. What is up with this guy? I can't do this." "But no, who else is going to marry you? You should be grateful," etc., etc.

So there's a lot of... because the parents feel the pressure of not having those options for their daughters. And sometimes - I'll talk about sons in a second - but you know, for their daughters especially, they try to force some things onto their daughters, which isn't fair. This is particularly true of the Indo-Pak subcontinent, not as true of the Arab community and other communities, but still it is a phenomenon where children are being pressured into marriage. This doesn't work anymore. It just doesn't work anymore.

The Culture of Silence

And there's a culture we've had for a long time - I actually had a chance to speak about this in another community in Urdu, but I won't give you that talk here, of course - but the point of which was: the older generation, they feel a sense of formality between themselves and their children. So they don't really openly talk about marriage or liking a girl or liking a boy, or considering somebody. These are not the kinds of things you talk to your mother about, or your father about. Especially if you're from Pakistan, you don't talk about this unless you want to die.

I don't care if you're 25 years old, I don't care - you're going to be scared to talk to your mom about marriage. It's just a thing. Our mothers do this number on us, and it works on these guys. They're terrified.

Case Studies

So today I want to just share some realities with you through first a case study. I want to give you two case studies, and then after that I want to give some advice to parents and some advice to the young people who are of the age to get married.

Case Study One: The Paralyzed Young Man

The first case study: this young man calls me and he says "Brother Noman, I have a problem." I said, "what's her name?" And he said, "how'd you know?" I said, "you're calling me, I mean, I know. Just tell me."

"Well, her name is..." - I'm not going to say her name of course. She says her name. And I was like, "so how long has it been?" "A couple of years."

"So what's the problem?" "Well, I really want to marry her, but I'm not ready. And I think she's starting to get marriage proposals."

"Okay, well, why don't you talk to your parents so they can talk to hers?" Well, I actually first asked him, "why don't you talk to her parents?" And he said, "I can't do that. I can't talk to her parents." I was like,

"okay, why don't you talk to your own parents?"

"What? They would kill me!"

"Okay, I think I have your solution. Go down to the local pharmacy, buy yourself some Similac and a baby bottle. Mix it well. When you pour it in, two teaspoons, mix it with warm water, mix it well. Find an empty corner in your house, face the wall and suck on it until you become a man. And then you can tell your parents and her parents."

The Necessity of Open Communication

But on a more serious note, we have created a culture - unfortunately, we're part of a culture - where this conversation has been taboo for a long time. You cannot talk to your parents about your preferences in marriage. It's disrespectful, it's inappropriate, it's wrong.

And you know what? It is absolutely, absolutely necessary today. And if your parents are going to be shocked by it, then you know what? You need to tell it to them every day until they stop being shocked. "Mom, I want to get married. Mom, I want to get married." She'll do that for the first 50-60 times until she realizes you are in fact 27 years old and you need to.

Because there's the other thing, right? "Not until you finish this degree, then that degree, then that degree." And a lot of our daughters were pushed into high education because they were told by many of their parents, "The only way you're going to... marriage, I don't know if it's going to work out or not, but you need to have a backup plan, girl."

The Education Trap

So all of these girls - and I'm not hating on med school - but they went into med school, and they went into law school, and they went the 8, 9, 10 year academic track, and they didn't get married until they were done. And once they got done, they ended up on matrimonial websites because nobody else, no proposals are coming, because you're past - unfortunately - the cultural expiration date, you know? It's a tragedy.

And it's funny to some of you, but the girls that are in this problem are not laughing. They're crying, and they've come to me and cried, you know? And then they come and they say, "Well these brothers don't want to marry us because we're too educated." And I say, "I can understand that, you know, they don't want to feel intimidated by you."

I was like, "that's not fair." I was like, "well you know what, you should have really thought about who you were looking for. If you're looking for a doctor, well you know a lot of those doctors that are in the same field as you, they're thinking, well I put all my time into my career, so I'm going to marry somebody - I'm going to marry a trophy wife." And there's an unfortunate culture of that, you know?

So we've created this disparity. Not to mention the other problems in our community. There's a crisis situation on how to get our sons and daughters married. It's a real crisis situation.

Message to Parents: Addressing Cultural Biases

On top of all of these crises are some of the biases of our parents. So I'm going to talk to you - I was going to give you one more case study, but before I do, just some things to parents.

Many of you, you come from particular backgrounds and you have very strong senses of identity. That is something Allah put in you. May Allah reward you.

Right? Allah made us into nations and tribes so we may get to know one another. The tribe you come from, the family you come from, the village you come from in Syria or Palestine, the place you come from in Egypt, the place you come from in Bangladesh - is valuable to you, is honorable to you. Your dignity, your history, your legacy is tied to it. And I respect that.

Your Children Are Different

But the fact of the matter is, number one: you and I both know you're not going back home. You're here, and your children are not Egyptian, and they're not Palestinian, and they're not Bangladeshi. They are three-fourths Canadian or American and a little bit Bangladeshi. A little kind of, they got a little like "Izzayikbek" there somewhere, you know, but they are American kids. They are Canadian kids, okay?

Yeah, they have some taste for like baklava, and they might eat a biryani here and there, but for the most part they are pizza and hotdog, my friends. That's who they are. They are not like you.

And part of that is not just what they eat or the cartoons they watch, or the English they speak. Chances are they've gone to public school - that's a very high likelihood. They've either gone to public school or they're going through a college education.

The Reality of Young People's Experiences

I am not here to justify what happens. I am here to first try to share a reality with all of our parents, our respected parents that are sitting in the audience. And I feel your pain, because I'm a parent myself. My girls are about to turn teenagers. I'm terrified to death. I feel your pain, I'm going to be in your shoes soon. May Allah protect all of us parents, you know.

But let me tell you something. These girls and these boys, they've gone to college - chances are they've seen a girl they like, or a guy that they like. Chances are that's already happened. Chances are they've had a couple of conversations already, even in the most respectful setting. Maybe it happened at the MSA,

And, you know, some people ask, "Well how am I supposed to get to know the person?" You can, it's fine, there's nothing wrong with getting to know the person, but get others involved. And so that's the other thing I want to attack today. It is, there's no harm in two families talking to each other. It is not too formal, don't go crazy or getting engaged, it's just two people trying to talk in a respectful way. Don't turn it into something it's not.

So families, you say "I don't want to tell my family, it's not that serious yet." Actually, that's the problem. You should tell your family even when it's not serious, and your family shouldn't get all crazy. "We can't approach them, they might take it too seriously." It's not serious, it's just two families talking. That's how communication is supposed to happen.

The Reality Check

If you're not involved in it, they're going to do it on their own anyway. You can't stop it. A lecture will not stop it. It's already happening, it's been happening. And it didn't just start in 2013. It's been happening. It's all around us. You don't think that stuff was happening when I was going to college in 1835? It was still happening. These are realities, we have to deal with reality instead of cursing it and yelling at it. It's not going to change it. We have to face it.

So get your family involved. Don't let your family get too worked up about it's too big of a deal. Don't let it become too big of a deal. It's okay to have a conversation with a family, with a guy talking to a girl, with a chaperone, getting to know each other, trying to figure things out and things like that. And if it works out, it works out. If not, alhamdulillah, you move on. But you didn't get emotionally attached. You had some butterflies in your stomach, but they didn't turn into like entire pigeons in your stomach, right? So you didn't go that crazy. You didn't become emotionally invested.

The Problem with Emotional Investment

Here's the problem with becoming emotionally invested. When you become emotionally invested, you fall in love with a girl or with a guy or something, and you're like, "I have to marry this person." First of all, you have no guarantees it's going to work out. And second of all, when you get that infatuated, you don't care what anybody else thinks.

"(Arabic: "There is no consultation in love")"

And when you go that crazy, then you don't want to listen to anybody. And so you don't listen to your parents, you don't listen to her parents, you don't listen to your brother, your sister, nobody's advice matters to you anymore. These parents try to bring you to a speaker. "Shaykh talked to him, he wants to marry this girl." Shaykh's like, "what am I going to do? Don't marry her." "Okay." Doesn't work. It's too late.

And if it doesn't work out, one of two things happens. If it does work out, you have scarred your family because you went on a war against your family to do it. And if it doesn't work out, you're scarred forever and you will not be able to have a healthy relationship again because in the back of your mind will be the other relationship. It's an unhealthy way to go about things. So don't do it. Don't engage, don't invest yourself emotionally. Don't fall in love like that.

If you think you just fell in love in this conference walking down the hall, you saw a girl like... that's not falling in love. That's just your hormones. Congratulations, you're a teenager. That's not love.

Finding Balance

Anyhow, so for young people, my serious advice is we have to become a little more serious. So there's two sides of it - the parent side and the youth side. For young people, my advice is become a little more strict, and for the parents, my advice is become a little less strict. Like we've got an imbalance situation here. We've got youth that have no guidelines and no restrictions. Nothing's wrong, everything's permissible like Assassin's Creed or something, right? It's like that. And on the other side, you've got parents that are way too strict and they're unrealistic in their strictness. And so we're choking our own community in this way, subhanallah. This should not be happening.

Role of Married Couples

Now those of you that are married... married people, show of hands. Okay, good. Married people that are here, part of your job is to help young people get married, especially the younger couples here. Younger couples here, the men and the women in that couple, they have friends that aren't married that they've known for a while, and you need to become matchmakers before they have to resort to anonymous websites.

Which the same guy is on every website. He's got his profile on every single website. Everybody knows him, you know. One of my friends got married. He had his profile on like 30 Muslim matrimonial sites, and he asked me to speak at his wedding, and I was like, "The internet will not be the same anymore. The internet connection speed just increased because so much load has been taken offline with all of these profiles, you know. Servers that were crashing for ages are now back up online now because, you know, congratulations, you're married."

And you know, because I'm pretty cruel in my marriage talks, so I told him, "By the way, every sister in the hall that's not married knows everything about you - your height, where you work, your favorite color - because yeah, they've been to those websites. So mashallah."

So you know, I'm not against the online thing, I'm really not. It's a reality, if you don't have any connections, what are you going to do? But be careful about it. Don't look for just a shallow criteria. Look for something more meaningful. You're looking for someone you're going to live with the rest of your life.

Message to Daughters Being Pressured

And for those of you younger girls that are being forced by their parents to marry somebody - their cousin from Bangladesh - those of you that are being forced to marry, and they're being told, "You have to marry this person. Okay, what about this one?" And we brought another one, and they just keep getting uglier for some reason, I don't know what it is, but they keep getting uglier. And the pressure is mounting on you because you're reaching the cultural expiration date.

Let me tell you something very strictly, very seriously. If you don't open your mouth and clearly say "This is not how I want to live. This is not going to be the next 50 years of my life. This is not what I want to do." If you don't open your mouth and say... "I shouldn't say anything, my parents won't understand." No, families will not resolve issues until you openly talk. I'm not talking about yelling and screaming, but you have to be open and clear and let your parents know: this is not how it's going to go. It's not disrespectful.

And parents, please listen to this. Don't force your daughters into a marriage they're not happy with. Don't say on their behalf, "No, no, no, she's happy. We know her, you don't know her." You don't know her. She's not happy, you're just saying that because I'm asking. "No, she's okay." They don't know that they come crying to the imams. "My father wants me to marry, I guess I should..." "Have you seen the guy?" "No, but it's my parents, what can I do? In Islam you have to obey your parents no matter what."

The Balance of Parental Rights and Responsibilities

Yes, in Islam you have to obey your parents no matter what, but also in Islam, parents cannot be unjust. They don't have an open license to do whatever they want. They don't have that either. In Islam, parents and children are supposed to have a trusting relationship, you know.

Don't hijack... sometimes the only ayat our parents know is:

(17:23 Quran)

This is the only Quran, they don't even know the whole ayah. It's just... they're like, "ah, got me again." And they use that card.

Look, our deen emphasizes the rights of parents more than any other religion known to man - more than any other religion. But our religion also emphasizes fairness and مسئولية responsibility) - the idea of responsibility. Like parents do not get that many rights without having that many responsibilities. And you have responsibilities to your daughters and your sons. You really, really do.

Homework Assignment

Your homework assignment after this lecture - you know what it is? An open, honest, honest, brave conversation with your parents about when you think you should be married, why you think you should be married, what kind of person you think you should marry. And parents, don't flip out. Don't flip out.

Final Message to Young Men

And young men, this is my last piece - I have a minute twenty, I just want to talk to the young men. I talk to the girls a little bit, you know, get brave, don't be shy anymore, just be a little stronger. But for the young men, can you become men? For God's sake.

Listen, listen, listen. If you're like in your twenties and every time you have a break, every time you have time off from school or a weekend off, you're spending it behind a screen with a PlayStation 3 or a 4 or an Xbox or whatever else, then you're not a man yet.

First of all, get a job. Even while you're in high school and college, I don't care, get a job. It'll turn you into a man. It'll make you ready for marriage. Just because you find girls pretty doesn't mean you're ready to get married. That doesn't mean that. You have to show some responsibility to be able to stand on your own two feet.

Parents' Role in Preparing Their Sons

And parents of teenage children, if you're not pushing your children to do work, you're like, "Alhamdulillah, I can afford it. I'm a doctor, I'm an engineer, I'm a business owner. I can afford it, my children don't have to work." Yes they do, because it's part of their education. I don't care if you're changing tires at a car shop, you know, at a mechanic shop. I don't care if you're lawn mowing. But do work, it will give you respect for money, it gives you respect and responsibility. It prepares you for life.

Personal Example

I made a case to my parents when I was 20 years old - I'm Pakistani, you know that's suicide, right? I made a case to my parents when I was 20 that I want to get married. But you know what? I had been working 40 hours a week since I was 16 in New York City. I've never worked less than 40 hours a week that was an easy week for me. And I've been going full time to college, you know, in high school. I actually took a longer time to graduate out of college, because I had work.

I never once took money from my parents for college tuition, I refused. I said, "No way, if I can't afford it, I'm not going to college. I'll work on it myself." I've worked in shoe stores, I've worked in surgical places, I've worked in like local Queens newspapers. I've done all kinds of crazy jobs. I even worked at a Desi grocery store. Ew, oh my God, blech. But I worked there for one day. But I did, and I'm proud of it. I'm not ashamed of it.

I worked at a travel agency where my boss was a really mean Bangladeshi fellow - I love Bangladeshis, but he was really mean. I used to call him the travel Nazi, he was really bad. And when I didn't make enough sales that day, he'd just yell at me. So one day I just had it, I yelled back at him and I got fired, you know.

And like 10 years later I was giving khutbah in Long Island, and he was in the first row. And I have a beard now - he didn't have a beard back then - and he recognized me too, he's like... you know. And after the Jumu'ah, everybody's like "As-salamu alaykum, how are you? Make dua for my children," he comes and he shakes my hand. He goes, "You are still useless." I was like... right. I was like, "I know, I know, I know."

But you know why I'm telling you this? I'm telling you this because there's no shame in working. It's part of what makes you who you are. I got married at the age of 22, but I can argue I had a right to. I was on my own for quite some time. I was taking care of my own responsibilities, you know.

And if you're doing that, then don't expect the highest things. And my in-laws are crazy, they're just crazy, you know. I got married six months after I got laid off. I didn't have a job, and I got married because they didn't... I know, I know. I didn't get married because I had the money. I got married because my in-laws felt that I was good for it. That was it, I could prove myself to them. That's all that was there.

So look for that in a son. Look for that in the boys.

Closing Du'a

May Allah turn our young men into real men that can carry household responsibilities and really become good husbands to the sisters that are here, that are looking to get married. May Allah find all of our young singles... may Allah help all of them find the appropriate couple, appropriate spouse that will give them a happy married life. May Allah also help all of the divorced people here get remarried and get remarried quickly, inshallah.

Final Request

As I conclude, I have a request. Somebody came up to me and asked a young man named Ahmed As- Sardari. His number, if you can write it down, is 215-667-9395. He's a young man who's actually on dialysis for a few years and he's looking for a kidney donor. So if any of you are willing to help him, once again his number is 215-667-9395. If anybody would like to donate a kidney or know somebody who would like to donate a kidney, 21 years or older, please reach out to him, inshallah.

Thank you so much for your patience and listening.