Speaking the common Language

Speaking the Common Language

By Nouman Ali Khan

Opening and Greetings

Alif, Lam, Ra. These are the verses of the clear Book.

[Moses] said, "My Lord, expand for me my breast [with assurance] And ease for me my task And untie the knot from my tongue That they may understand my saying.

Introduction: The Purpose of This Session

This session was originally meant to be something directed at parents, but now that this is a combined session, hopefully it will be of benefit to both audiences. I'll share with you in the very beginning an advice my teacher gave me. My teacher Dr. Abdus Sameeh gave me some advice. He said when you're going to address or ever give advice to anyone and you wonder how you're going to put together a topic and give a talk, just let the Quran do the talking. It's called guidance for a reason. So find where it is in the Quran that Allah addresses a topic and let that be the speech itself. And so that's what I'm going to try and do inshaAllah, living up to that advice.

Learning From Surah Yusuf: The Role Model Parent

One of the most beautiful places you'll learn something about parenting in the Quran will be Surah Yusuf. And within Surah Yusuf, specifically Yaqub (peace be upon him). All over the Quran he is mentioned as a role model parent. Yaqub (peace be upon him) is mentioned as a role model parent. And in this Surah we learn something very special about him.

In a previous session, those of you that were here, I mentioned how kids couldn't appreciate how awesome Surah Yusuf is. They didn't see what the big deal was. Well I want to highlight at least some of those things, some of those lessons that we can benefit from both as parents and as children.

The Dream: Building Open Communication

You know, Yusuf (peace be upon him), young boy, sees a dream, you all know the story, right? Young boy, he sees a dream, it disturbs him. Who does he go talk to in the Quran? He goes talk to his dad.

You ever see a teenage boy, 12 year old, 13 year old, 11 year old even, maybe 9, 10, sees a dream, something bothered him. First person he goes to talk to is his dad? Anything small goes wrong in your life, especially a boy, and you say, maybe I should talk to dad about this. Is that what you normally do? If it's a really big problem, maybe you'll go talk to your mom. And when you do, the first thing you'll tell her is, don't tell dad.

The fact that Yusuf (peace be upon him) went and spoke to his father is already teaching fathers a huge deal. He has some kind of relationship with his child by virtue of which, no matter how disturbed the child may be, and the problem may be big or small. In this case the problem isn't even a matter of reality, it's a matter of a dream. But whatever problem comes up, I should be able to talk to my dad no matter what. I should be able to talk to him. That's the kind of relationship Yaqub (peace be upon him) has established with his child.

The Challenge of Being Accessible Parents

He doesn't have to come and tell him, if something happens you better come and tell me, you hear? No, he comes himself. He comes himself and tells his dad, that's huge. Before we even learn anything else about parenting in this surah, we've already learned something huge about what kind of fathers our fathers need to be. How easily accessible they need to be to their kids. How easy should it be for a child to be able to come to their parent and say anything.

You know, I'll tell you something. This is easy to talk about, difficult to live by. I have, Alhamdulillah, when I only had one child, you're very protective of your first child. And the second and third comes along and then you mix up their names. Right? Like, hey, you, Karim, I mean, Hosna, I mean, number four. Or were you three? Which one? Just get away from there.

You know, you go through the extended family's names before you get their name right. But, my daughter, my eldest, when she was in pre-school, she goes to pre-school, she comes home one day. And she comes and she's like three and a half, four years old. She comes home, she goes to me, Abba, Yusuf is so funny. There's some kid named Yusuf in the class. He's like, who's Yusuf? Tell me everything you know. Who's Yusuf? And my wife saw it from a corner of her eye and she goes, Noman, can I talk to you for a second? And I came over and said, what is it? And she said, you stay quiet.

And she took her and she... And then she told, my wife talked to me later, she said, listen, you don't think your child can see that you're getting upset? I was like, yeah, I'm sure she could. If she sees that you're getting upset, next time, when it comes to telling you anything about what happens in class, will she open her mouth or keep it shut? Keep it shut. She won't say anything. She's going to hide things from you. And it'll be your fault because you look like you got upset. It's entirely your fault. You can't close that door on her. You have to just listen. It's harmless, she's three years old, four years old. What's the big deal? Relax, calm down.

The Language of Respect: "Ya Abati"

And you know, as a Muslim father, you have to kind of get trained into calming down. We don't have that training. We actually have quite the opposite training.

Interestingly enough, the words that come out of Yusuf's mouth, they begin with (يَا أَبَتِ - ya abati). So he's about to tell his dad the dream and he uses the words (يَا أَبَتِ - ya abati). Now in Arabic, if you say (يَا أَبِي - ya abi) it's a sign of you're addressing your father. When you say (يَا أَبَتِ - ya abati) and you add that تاء that you hear, it's a show of respect. Oh my noble father, my respected father, my beloved father, dad I love you. It's like these terms of respect have been added just by that تاء when he addresses his dad.

What we're learning is not only is his child ready to communicate with him at any point, at the same time, he's also extremely respectful. And at the same time, it's a compliment to the child. But at the same time, it's a compliment to the father. What kind of father communicates openly with his child and at the same time maintains a relationship of respect?

The False Formula of Harsh Parenting

Because you know, when you get very frank with kids, what happens? They run all over you. They'll run all over you. And they become too casual. And then you have to become strict because you say I should be strict because that way they'll show me respect.

If you come from where I come from, Pakistan, there's one way to get respect. If you're a father, be as harsh and as mean and as nasty as you possibly can be. And that is the way you get respect. Come here! You never hear your name said nicely. If your name is Abdullah, you never hear your dad say Abdullah, can you come here? And you better show up looking all scared. You can't smile. If you're smiling at your dad, you're like, what is this? What are you looking at? Being angry whether you're... And by the way, this isn't just for Pakistanis, even though we're awesome at it, right? Muslim parents are generally very harsh and they think that's where you're supposed to be. You're supposed to be disciplinary. Especially the father should be tough. So when he walks into the house, there should be absolute silence. Everybody should drop what they're doing. Dad's here. You know, like everything's going well in the house. Dad's in the driveway. Ha! Sit still. Don't look around. You know, there's that culture.

The American Context and Cultural Reality

What Yaqub (peace be upon him) is teaching us is the opposite. This child is most comfortable talking to his father, even about a dream. Even about a dream. And when he addresses him, he commands disrespect. What I'm trying to get at is we thought the formula for getting respect from your kids is being harsh and mean. Being loud. Being scary. That would be the way I will get the respect of my kids. Maybe that worked in Pakistan. Maybe that worked in Cairo. Maybe that worked in Palestine. Maybe that worked in Syria and in Bangladesh. It ain't working here. This here is America. It ain't working here. And you've

already tried it and it hasn't worked. And then you come to the imam and say my teenage boy doesn't listen to me. What should I do?

What you should do is realize where you live. You're not in a culture... You're in a culture where your kids go to school. Your kids go to school and they go with other non-Muslim children who when they address their mom, they don't say mom, they say Samantha, come here. That's what they do. It's normal for them. That's normal for them. And your kids go to school with other children who when they're talking about their father, they say my dad, man, he's so weird. That's the nicest thing they'll say by the way. That's not the bad stuff yet. Your kids talk about their parents just like they're talking about some idiot. Seriously. That's what they hear all the time.

Building Genuine Relationships

And then you have our children. You have the parents here. Many of you have funny accents. At least to your kids it sounds funny, it sounds weird. You know, and we're trained in a culture to constantly make fun of other people. We're just trained that way. So guess what? If you're an easy target, there's no respect is what I'm trying to say.

And your idea and my idea was if we're extra harsh, we'll get their respect. No, if you're open, if you're a genuine friend to your children, if you're a source of nurturing and protection for them, you will have their respect like nothing else will gain it. And you will maintain a communication with them that otherwise cannot be had.

The Critical Problem of Communication Gaps

You know one of the biggest problems is that when they get older, they stop talking to their parents. They don't talk to them. How many parents here have teenage kids? Let me see your hands. Honest to God, I'm terrified for all of you.

I went to a youth program with my daughter who was 7 at the time. I took her to a youth program where like there were 500 teenage kids. 250 boys, 250 girls. It was a weekend thing. All these high school kids are there. Muslim kids. These are the boys that somewhat look like they're praying. And these are the girls that I think that's a hijab. Right, these are those kids. I spent some time with them walking around on campus and then I had to just walk away. So I took my daughter and we're sitting far away on a bench. And I'm sitting on a bench and I'm crying. And my daughter asked me, why are you crying Abba? What happened? I said you're going to be... I said yeah you are. It's coming.

The Reality of Parenting Difficulties

And when I first had a child I used to be like man, this is hard, changing diapers. Crying, you got to wake up at night. Burp them. Pick them up, they won't go to sleep. Then they start teething. They got a fever,

all this stuff. It's hard. For early parenting it's hard. So you go to parents who have older kids. You say to them, hey it gets easier right? When they're teenagers it gets easier right? I'll take the smelly diapers any day over my 15 year old. Man, it's crazy.

There is a gap. But there's something to be said about the role of parents in creating that gap. Though the crime is on both sides, I'm going to start on the parents side. Especially fathers guys. Especially fathers.

The Neglect of Building Relationships

You come home from a long day of work. You sit home and all you want to do is nothing. Just want to watch TV. Flip the channels, watch news. Watch the Dow Jones Industrial Average. You want to check what's going on in the world, even though you won't remember any of it, nor do you care. But this is your form of entertainment. And your kid comes over. Your 5 year old comes over. Dad, look what I made. Look what I did. Dad, play with me. Come on, let's do something. Let's play tag. And they're talking to you and you'll call his mom. Fatima, can you get rid of him please? I just came home from work. I need some peace. I don't need to hear this. Don't you have toys I bought you? Go play with those.

Same child, 10 years later. He's 15 years old and you're picking him up from school and you say, so son, how was your day? What did you do? Did you talk to any friends, maybe? Where are you going to go later? Somewhere. They won't talk to you. And then you go, come tell the mom. My kid doesn't talk to me. Yeah, you didn't talk to him. You didn't talk to him all this time. You didn't have time. You didn't create a relationship first. How is it going to just come out of nowhere?

The Critical Ages for Parent-Child Relationships

It doesn't, and those are the ages by the way, 10, 11, 12, 13. Those are the critical ages. At those ages, you know, before then, children are most obsessed with making their parents proud. Doesn't even matter what religion you're from. Young children just want to make their parents proud. They want to show their parents what they've done. The biggest source of influence to them is their parents. Not in my household. I shave my son's head and I say, that looks cool. I'll do it myself. So it's the other way. But usually kids want to be like their parents, you know. They want to do everything their parents do.

As they get to a certain age, now they want to be like their other friends. And more importantly, they want to be nothing like you. They want to be the exact opposite of everything you are. They go through that phase. They're getting into a dangerous age. And that critical age, if you didn't already have a very open, friendly, clear, transparent, loving relationship, if that wasn't already there, you're in for some serious trouble. There's some serious trouble headed your way.

The Importance of Daily Communication