Respect Your Parents (Quran Weekly)

Respect Your Parents - Nouman Ali Khan

Introduction: Seeking Allah's Protection

I seek refuge in Allah from the accursed Satan.

"I seek refuge in Allah from the accursed Satan."

The Divine Command: Worship Allah and Honor Parents

"And your Lord has decreed that you should not worship except Him, and to the parents, do good. If one of them or both of them reach old age with you, do not say to them "Uff!" and do not repel them, but speak to them a noble word."

"And lower for them the wing of humility out of mercy. And say, "My Lord, have mercy on them as they brought me up when I was small.""

Understanding Allah's Command Structure

So the first part of this ayah is making a demand about Allah's rights on us. The second says (وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا - wabilwalidayni ihsana) - Immediately after He says you should be enslaved to Him, He says you better be the best to your parents. The word Ihsanan, without getting technical into the grammar, is actually an exhortation. You better be the best to them, the best you can possibly be to them.

The Emphasis on Parents in the Ayah

And you know, it seems like one half of the ayah was about Allah and the other half of the ayah is about parents. But if you look at the ayah, most of the ayah is about parents. First He says, you better be the best to them.

Then He says, (إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ الْكِبَرَ - imma yablughanna 'indakal kibar) - Even if they reach old age before you (أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلاهُمَا - ahaduhuma aw kilahuma) - One of them or both of them (فَلا تَقُل لَّهُمَا أُفٍّ - fala taqul lahuma uff) - Don't you dare say even "Uff!" to them. We'll come back to that in a second. (وَلا تَنْهَرْهُمَا - wa la tanharhuma) - And don't shrug them and don't brush them off.

(وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا - wa qul lahuma qawlan karima) - And you better speak especially to both of them with noble speech, with respectful speech. Over and over and over again. One thing after the next, after the next, after the next about parents, parents, parents, parents.

The Priority of Worship Before Parental Service

Just one thing about Allah and several things about parents. Just imagine how serious this matter is. But still the thing to appreciate is Allah mentioned Himself first.

And one of the lessons in that is you're really not gonna be able to be good to your parents if you're not truly a slave and a worshipper of Allah. If you're not doing that first part, you're gonna be failing in the next part. So if any of you are messing up with your relationship with your parents, what does that tell you? That tells you not really slaves of Allah yet.

You haven't really done that due yet because the latter would have been easier for you if you fulfilled the former. This is the first thing.

The Special Excellence Required for Parents

The second thing is what does it mean to be best? And it says (وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا - wabilwalidayni ihsana) - It doesn't even say, (وَإِحْسَانًا بِالْوَالِدَيْنِ - wa ihsanan bilwalidayn) - That would be a different meaning. (وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا - wabilwalidayni ihsana) - What that means is, especially when it comes to your parents and exclusively when it comes to your parents in comparison to others, you better be the best. In other words, it's easy for you to be the best to your boss because you know you'll get in trouble if you mess around with him. It's easy for you to be the best to your professor because he might fail you.

It's easy for you to be the best to your friends because you don't want to lose them. But when it comes to your parents, you take them for granted. But Allah says, no, especially when it comes to your parents.

Practical Examples of Parental Priority

You're on the phone with one of your friends and your mom calls, I gotta go, that's it. There's no ifs, ands, or buts. You're playing video games.

Your mom says, dinner's ready. You don't turn around and say, "Coming, come on. I told you I'm coming."

No, no, no. Leave it. Drop it.

If I was at your house, I'd break your TV. Go listen to your mother. This is a primary obligation we have in this religion.

The Challenge of Aging Parents

Then He says (وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا - wabilwalidayni ihsana) - (إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَا أُفٍّ - imma yablughanna 'indakal kibar ahaduhuma aw kilahuma fala taqul lahuma uff) - He made it a point to mention one or both of them reaching old age. This is really important because as our parents get older, they get more demanding. And as they're getting older, you're getting more independent and turning into pretty much an adult.

And you think you can make your own decisions and you have your own life and they're still treating you like a kid and they don't understand you and you have all these complaints about them in your head. And you rant about them to your friends. But Allah says, especially when they get old, especially when they get antsy, especially when they get irrational, especially when they don't understand where you're coming from and they put these demands on you, this is the time to be the best to them.

And it's not gonna be easy for anyone who's not a slave of Allah, who's doing this first not for their parents but for the sake of Allah. This is the second thing Allah mentions.

Avoiding Rejection and Harsh Words

Then He says (وَلا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا - wa la tanharhuma wa qul lahuma qawlan karima) - Don't shrug them off, don't push them away.

This is the same commandment given to the Prophet ﷺ in regards to the orphan.

- Same words, right? As far as the orphan is concerned, don't shrug him off, don't push him aside. تنه - flow right by.

You know, mom's talking to you, you walk right off. Or you don't even turn towards her when you talk to her. Shame on you.

Remembering Your Mother's Sacrifices

How can you do that to your mother? The kinds of pain she went through for you. And you can just forget everything she did and just say, "Oh, my mom, yeah, she's always yelling at me, she's always saying stuff." You know, the height of ingratitude.

Not just to your mother, but first to Allah, but on top of that your mother. Even if you're not a believer. Have you forgotten that you're, you know, just because you don't remember when you were in her womb, making her throw up every 30 minutes, you know, kicking her from the inside in her ribs, and you almost killed her coming out of her.

And the kinds of pain she went through feeding you and not going to sleep. And you could forget, because you don't remember, so you don't appreciate it. And you can talk to her any which way you want.

Speaking with Noble Words

So this is (وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا - wa qul lahuma qawlan karima) - To both of them, speak in noble speech, respectful speech. You know, for some of you, cuss words and foul languages comes out of you like, you know, like carbon dioxide, like breathing out. You don't even think about it when you say words.

You better watch it when it comes to your parents. You shouldn't use those words anyway, but especially when it comes to your parents.

Lowering the Wings of Humility

Then there's another ayah dedicated to parents right after that. He says (وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ - wakhfid lahuma janahadh dhulli minar rahmah) - SubhanAllah. Lower your wings of humility, powerlessness. Lowering the wings in Arabic means, you have power, you have the ability to fly like a bird, but you descend anyway, you come down anyway.

Even though you have the power to walk away or slam the door in their face or hang up the phone, you take it from them. You take the yelling. And if you're gonna tell me or comment on your Facebook page, but you don't understand, my parents are, man, they're messed up.

Or I have a special, exceptional circumstance. Guess what? Everybody feels they have an exceptional circumstance. Everybody feels. Nobody thinks that this applies to them. Everybody thinks it's talking about the next person who's got a normal situation. You know, Allah knows who He created.

So He talked to us knowing our circumstance. So, lower your wings of mercy and humility before them.

The Three Meanings of Mercy

Final comment, (مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ - minar rahmah) - This last part of the ayah, I'm skipping a lot of stuff because I need your attention span.

(مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ - minar rahmah) - Out of mercy. This means three things at least. It means first, you better humble yourself to them, despite the ability not to humble yourself.

You better do so because they're at an age where they need your mercy. Number two, because they showed you mercy when you were small. And they didn't rack it up and make a record of it and give you a bill when you were old enough.

Look, I've been doing all these services. These are the hours of labor I put in for you. Now you pay me back.

No, they showed you mercy, it's time for you to show them mercy. And the third and final one, if you want Allah to show you mercy, you better show them mercy. (مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ - minar rahmah) - May Allah make us the best to our parents and may Allah help us understand these ayahs and live by them.

Closing Prayer