Reflections from Quran about Sabr

And you know, people sometimes when you're going through a difficulty, people come and tell you,

Yeah, I know this was bad. I know the operation is difficult. I know that this one passed away. But you know, Alhamdulillah, be grateful. And at that time you say, Excuse me. Easy for you to say. You're not going through it. You see what I'm saying? Because they're not going through the pain you're going through. So you feel like they're talking to you like they expect you to turn into an angel and you're not entitled to your emotions. And it backfires. It actually makes you upset. I don't want to hear a lecture about be grateful, please. Leave that to some, you know.

But when you meet someone who's gone through the same kind of pain. When you meet someone who's also suffered loss. And then you find that they're telling you to be grateful. It's something else, isn't it? That's a different kind of message. It's not coming from someone who's just quoting something insensitively. They've actually lived through it. And then they're saying it.

And so, Musa (عليه السلام) has lived through this experience. So he's not just giving them this in theory. He's been exiled before. He's been persecuted before. He's seen death in the middle of a desert before. He's had a broken back to the point where he says:

He's been there before. And from that place he says, you know, if you can just be grateful, then Allah will increase.

The Transformation of the Israelites

لَأَزِيدَنَّكُمْ

Allah (عز وجل) will say about this nation, that was supposed to become non-existent in the pages of history, the Israelites. They were supposed to just die in that desert, and nobody will even know they ever existed. And Allah says:

We chose these people over all other nations of the world. Allah gave them an empire that was bigger than the Pharaoh himself. Allah gave them governance in the world that was never imagined before. Allah gave them prophet after prophet after prophet, who had, you know, miracles that are beyond description. And actually the most mentioned prophets in the Quran are the Israelite prophets. Allah increased them in this dunya and in the akhira. In so many ways, in so many opportunities.

Of course they didn't take advantage of those opportunities, that's a separate story.

The Foundation of True Patience

But let's come back to ourselves. Allah (عز وجل) has given us a message of sabr also. And this talk wasn't about gratitude, it was about patience. It was supposed to be about sabr. But the first foundation of it that I wanted to lay for myself and for all of you, is if you cannot, and if I cannot find in myself, reasons to be grateful, patience is impossible. It's impossible. There is no way you will have patience in your life if you don't have what first? Gratitude. If you don't have gratitude, patience is out of the question. I hope that much is clear.

Now let's talk about patience itself. I won't give you a lecture on patience, I'll only tell you some things that I learned that are new about patience like I was sharing with you before.

The Misunderstood Nature of Patience

When somebody passes away, and the mother, or the child, or the spouse is crying. And they're overwhelmed. And they're not eating. And they're not talking. And they're by themselves. And no matter how much you try to cheer them up, they're still in tears. And no matter how much you try to take them out or change their, you know, maybe get their mind off of what's happened. And they just can't let it go. And they find themselves crying over and over and over again.

Then it's a natural tendency for a lot of us to go to those people and say, you know, really you should have sabr. Why don't you have sabr? And I'll tell you, this is a very common thing that we do in the ummah. When people are experiencing a traumatic situation, it's easy for us, and when they react, and when they have emotions, we tend to say to them, I wish you had more what? Sabr. Like this is the advice we give to each other. And I find a lot of times that advice is actually not based on Allah's book.

First of all, instead of giving them a lecture on sabr, Allah highlighted what? Shukr, gratitude. That's first.

The Example of Yaqub (عليه السلام)

Second of all, what I'd like to highlight to you is the case study of Yaqub (عليه السلام). Yaqub (عليه السلام) lost his child for a very long time. And losing a child, at least you know the child died and there was a janaza for the child, there's closure, the case is closed. At least the child is in the hands of Allah. The child is in a better place. There's something that gives you comfort.

In the case of Yaqub (عليه السلام), does he know that the child has died? He has no idea what's happened with this child. He doesn't know if he's alive, if he's hungry, if he's scared, if he's in pain, if he's injured, if he's bleeding, if he's being oppressed, if he's being hurt by somebody. He doesn't know anything. That can drive any sane person insane. To not know what's going on with your child. That kind of pain is indescribable. It's indescribable.

And of course his first reaction when he heard the news that he won't be seeing his child again was:

The only beauty left now in my life is patience. That's all I can do. Because the beautiful child is gone. So the only beauty left now is patience.

Yaqub's Continuing Grief and the Quran's Response

But you notice years go by and what do his sons say about him?

God, are you gonna keep remembering Yusuf? Are you gonna keep missing him like we just lost him yesterday? It's been years, get over it already old man. They were frustrated with their father because their father would not get over it. And as a matter of fact many of you know he cried so much that what happened? He lost his eyesight.

The Qur'an doesn't give him a lecture on sabr. The Qur'an doesn't care, don't cry. You need to be patient. And this is the man who himself said, I'm going to be what? Patient, I'm gonna have sabr. Those are his words. He's the Qur'an's role model example for what does it mean to live a life of sabr. Because it's one thing that you go through a trauma for a day. Or you go through a trauma for a month. It's another to experience that trauma every single day not knowing for years and years and years and not know. That's a different kind of trauma.

And this man faced that trauma. And he cried and he lost his eyesight. And yet the Qur'an is saying this was a man of sabr.

Redefining Patience - Emotions Are Valid

What am I trying to get at? We're allowed to express our emotions. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be deeply, deeply saddened because of what happened. That doesn't mean you don't have sabr. That just means you're a human being. Sabr is something else. We make it into something else. Let me try to be very clear.

It is almost as though we say that sabr means that you're not allowed to have these emotions. Or you must hold these emotions back completely. Because if you have these feelings and you have this sadness, that means you must not have sabr. That's not what sabr is.

Sabr actually is that even though you're sad, even though you're scared, even though you're angry, even though any of those emotions are there and they're valid, you still did not cross the line. You still didn't become ungrateful. You still didn't disobey Allah. You still didn't say the wrong thing.

When you're very angry, it's too easy to use bad words. Sabr means not that you're not angry anymore. Sabr means you were able to not use those words. You allowed those emotions but you channeled them

in a healthy way. You expressed your anger in a more articulate way, in a more decent way. The same thing with your sadness. The same thing with your fear.

The True Meaning of Sabr

When these emotions take hold of you, it's too easy to disobey Allah. It's too easy to become ungrateful to Allah. It's too easy to deny the teachings of the deen. For example, people say the worst things when they're upset. They say the most horrible things when they're angry. Sabr would mean you're still upset but you still held your tongue.

Actually, the original meaning of the word sabr, I was just looking it up on my way here again, is habasa, is to hold something back. It's to control something. Quran is teaching us sabr is control but it's not control over your emotions. It's control over the actions. That the emotions are valid, the actions are that which we have to control. And crying, being sad, being upset is not one of them.

Fighting Against Spiritual Oppression

Now why do I feel so compelled to share this with you? Because I consider it a form of oppression that we take people that have lashed out, people that have become upset, people that have become sad, and we make them feel like now not only are they emotionally out of place, they've got a spiritual problem too. They don't have a spiritual problem. Don't accuse them of having a lack of iman or a lack of sabr. They don't have a lack of sabr.

And so I gave you one example of sadness. I'd like to give you one quick example of anger.

The Example of Aisha (رضي الله عنها) - Righteous Anger

That's actually my favorite example. I'll be talking about it tomorrow night at length. Aisha (رضي الله تعالى عنها) was accused of wrongdoing. One of the worst humiliating scandals a Muslim woman can ever go through. Our mother went through. No woman here can imagine those kinds of horrible things being said about her. Not to mention an entire city of people are talking about it. Not to mention that.

And at the end of it all, I'll give you the riddle but I won't give you the answer today. At the end of it all, Rasulullah (صلى الله عليه وسلم) came and sat next to her and said, if you're guilty, admit it and Allah will forgive. Basically. And if you're innocent, Allah will prove you're innocent.

She had been crying for almost three consecutive days by then. Rasulullah came and sat next to her (صلى الله عليه وسلم) and it's been a month that the Prophet didn't even sit next to her. This was after a month, the first time Rasulullah sat next to her: (صلى الله عليه وسلم)

(Bukhari)

Since what was said began, he had not sat next to me, she says.

Aisha's Emotional Response - From Sadness to Anger

When he sat next to her, he said, if you're guilty and if you're innocent. Two options. If you're innocent, Allah will prove you're innocent. If you're guilty, admit it and Allah will forgive. She had been crying for how long? What did I say? So what emotion is that? Sadness.

But she says, the moment he said it:

(Bukhari)

My tears dried up. I couldn't feel a single drop. The tears are gone. What did you say? What do you mean if? My own husband telling me if I'm innocent? If I'm guilty? What are you trying to say? That sadness turned into what? Anger. Anger at whom?

And her mother and her father were sitting next to her. And she told her dad, answer him. He said, I don't know what to say. She told her mom, answer him. She says:

(Bukhari)

I swear to God, I don't know what to say. And then she's even more mad. She was already mad at Rasulullah. Now who is she angry at? Her parents.

Quranic Injunctions About Respect

Now Quran will tell us, if you raise your voice to the Messenger of Allah:

Don't raise your voice to the voice of the Messenger of Allah. Because if you do, what happens?

All your good deeds are taken away. All your good deeds are taken away if you simply what? Raise your voice to Rasulullah of Allah.

Quran also tells us:

Don't talk to your parents, don't even let them see a sign of frustration on your forehead. And whenever you speak to them, don't scold them, and speak to them in a dignified fashion.

Aisha's Bold Response - Three Violations at Once

So there are three people in front of her. Her mother, her father, and the Messenger of Allah. And the three people, Quran says, you better watch how you speak in front of them. Those three people are in front of her. And she's experiencing what emotion? Anger.

Oh ho ho ho ho. When you read this part of the hadith in Bukhari, when I first read it, I said, what? No way. No way. I gotta read that again. She yelled at all three of them. And she says, she quoted the Quran to the Prophet. And she says, I didn't even know much Quran. But I said, you people remind me, you remind me of the story of Yusuf. And I'll have to say to you what the father of Yusuf said.

Quranic Reference :: (فَصَبْرٌ جَمِيلٌ - 12:18 Quran)

I have to have beautiful patience. She's angry. She's scolding three people, which three you know now. And she says, this is my what? This is my patience. And by the way, she compared what they're saying. And she basically said, you people believe this filthy lie against me. You won't even believe what I say. None of this is true. She's speaking out of anger.

They don't believe it. But she says, you people believe it. You people accuse me. You people don't trust me. That's how she spoke to them. And she quoted this, by the way, when she says, you remind me of what the father of Yusuf had to say. Who is she comparing them to? Did you think about that? If she's gonna say (فَصَبْرٌ جَمِيلٌ)they're being compared with the brothers of Yusuf who came forward with a lie. This is what she did.

No Divine Rebuke for Aisha's Outburst

No ayah of the Quran came down, watch your mouth. You better take back what you just said. You don't quote Quran like that to the messenger of Allah. He received the Quran. You don't Quran lecture him. You don't talk to your parents that way. No ayah came down about her outburst. Nothing. And she wasn't even done. When she gave that speech, she turned her back and lied down as if to say, I'm done talking to you.

Wow, mom. She's our mother. What are we learning from this? The question is, if this happened in your home, a daughter in the house got accused of something or the other, humiliating accusation, and she had an outburst, and her husband will say, you need to watch it. You can't speak to your parents that way or my parents that way. You shouldn't speak to your husband this way. You need to have صبر.

What kind of Islam do you follow? Astaghfirullah. You raise your voice. Wouldn't you get that lecture? The first one to get that lecture should have been who? Our mother.

Divine Vindication Instead of Rebuke

And when the ayat did come, the ayat did not come to give a case against her. The 10 ayat came to defend her. 10 ayat came to defend her (رضي الله تعالى عنها)

It's okay when a woman's dignity is questioned. When a woman's chastity is questioned, and she can't take it, and she has an outburst. That doesn't mean she doesn't have صبر. That means she's as normal as Aisha (رضي الله عنها) Our religion does not expect us to become angels. It acknowledges that Allah made us human beings. Our emotions were entitled to them.

A Warning Against Misusing This Teaching

This by the way, what I just shared with you, please do not use this at home to turn into the incredible hulk in your family and say, Maulana Ali Khan gave this speech, and now I'm gonna... But I do speak on behalf of people that are emotionally and psychologically oppressed in their homes. And then they are told when they have emotions, that they have a spiritual problem. They do not have a spiritual problem. Our religion does not teach that.

That is not صبر. That is a false definition of صبر that has made its way into our conversations, and has created a lot of oppression, in my opinion. It's just created a lot of oppression. And so every chance I get, I try to revitalize and share this message again, because it is something I feel that we need.

Embracing Our Humanity

We are... It's okay for you to be sad. It's okay for you to be angry for legitimate reasons. It's okay for you to even have an outburst. You're not gonna go to hell because you raised your voice. You're not. Relax. Don't be so hard on yourself. People around you are very quick to send you to hell. They're very quick to send you to hell. Allah will ask you about this. You have done... Wow, really? Because the revelation came to you to let you know how her interrogation is going to go.

Calm down. Don't pass judgment on people. And don't be a harsh judge on yourself. Allah (عز وجل) is merciful.

Aisha's Unapologetic Stance

And you know, the last thing I'll share with you about our mother, Aisha (رضي الله عنها) on this. And I'm done. I'm absolutely done. She shared this story many years later. She could have skipped this part. She could have not told us that she did that. Right? Because it's embarrassing. She raised her voice to her parents. She raised her voice to the Prophet of Allah (صلى الله عليه وسلم). She quoted the whole thing word by word by word by word. And when she quoted it, I was expecting her to say, and I feel really bad about that. I regret that I did that. She didn't. She said no such thing.

Umar (رضي الله عنه) one time raised his voice to the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) at Hudaybiyyah. That happened. Did he regret it later? Oh yeah. I mean, he literally said, tell my mother, somebody tell my mother her son is doomed. Her son is as good as dead. I mean, he was devastated.

Learning from Aisha's Understanding

Our mother Aisha (رضي الله عنها) is not devastated. Why not? Because, and she has a very clear understanding of this deen. And she honors our messenger (صلى الله عليه وسلم). But she understands she did not cross a single line. She didn't do something wrong. As a matter of fact, to the contrary, she says:

I considered myself too insignificant for Allah to speak about me in verses that would be recited. But it did. Which means I am worth it, basically, is what she's saying. That's how she spoke.

A Call to Self-Compassion

She wasn't hard on herself. Don't be hard on yourself. Be like your mother Aisha. Stop beating yourself up. Stop condemning yourself. Stop living a life of guilt. Constant, constant, constant guilt. Allah forgives. Make istighfar if you've made a mistake. And move on with your life. Don't let that guilt overshadow everything you do. It will ruin not just you, it will ruin the people around you.

You're not gonna be able to have normal relationships if you live in that kind of guilt. You won't just be sorrowed yourself, you'll become a source of sorrow for people around you. Don't do that.

The Path Forward - Gratitude and Hope

Become a person of gratitude. Allah has given us in this life, Allah has given us a chance to make up for our mistakes. This is why we're still alive. If your chance was over, you wouldn't be alive anymore. The fact that He gave you another breath, another chance, is because He still has the door open for you. He still has love and mercy for you.

If He considered your case closed, then we'd be doing your janazah right now. That's just the fact of it. May Allah (عز وجل) help us really internalize the inspiring beautiful message of His book and not become more judgmental than Allah's book itself towards one another.

May Allah keep us from being oppressive to one another, especially within the context of our families.

Closing and Future Engagement

Jazakumullahu khayran. Every one of you, I'm so grateful that I had this opportunity. I don't know how long I'm gonna stick around. I think they have a schedule for me, but it's so awesome to see all of you. I wish I had time to engage as many of you in conversation as possible.

I will promise you one thing though. I have my khutbah. This is the masjid I have khutbah in, right? Is this the masjid I have khutbah in tomorrow? Here? Okay, so here, I have a certain policy for khutbah.

I give the khutbah. And then right after the khutbah, I usually go outside and I give a chance to our mothers and our daughters to ask whatever questions they want. Because I feel our, even though this is

an exceptional community, I feel across the ummah, our mothers, daughters, and sisters don't have as much of an opportunity to engage with the du'a, the scholars, etc. as the men do. So I'd like to give them priority first, inshaAllah. So that's what I, even if we don't get a chance to speak today, I will make it a point to stay outside as long as I can tomorrow, inshaAllah, to do that.

Barakallahu libalakum. Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.