Please don t fight your spouse after this khutbah - 2
By Nouman Ali Khan | 2026-01-08T17:36:32.089778+00:00 | Topic: Marriage
Marriage Responsibilities in Islam - Khutbah by Nouman Ali Khan
Opening Praise and Testimony
اَلْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ، اَلْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ خَالِقِ الْوُجُودِ مِنَ الْعَدَمِ وَجَاعِلِ النُّورِ مِنَ الظَّلَامِ وَمُخْرِجِ الصَّبْرِ مِنَ الْأَلَمِ وَمَالِكِ التَّوْبَةِ عَلَى النَّدَمِ فَنَشْكُرُهُ عَلَى الْمَصَائِبِ كَمَا نَشْكُرُهُ عَلَى النِّعَمِ وَنُصَلِّي عَلَى رَسُولِهِ الْأَكْرَمِ ذِي الشَّرَفِ الْأَعْظَمِ وَالنُّورِ الْأَتَمِّ وَالْكِتَابِ الْمُحْكَمِ وَخَاتَمِ النَّبِيِّينَ وَالْكِرَامِ سَيِّدِ وَلَدِ آدَمَ الَّذِي بُشِّرَ بِهِ عِيسَى ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ وَدَعَا لِبِعْثَتِهِ إِبْرَاهِيمُ عَلَيْهِ السَّلَامُ حِينَ كَانَ يَرْفَعُ قَوَاعِدَ بَيْتِ اللَّهِ الْمُحَرَّمِ فَصَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ وَعَلَى أَتْبَاعِهِ خَيْرِ الْأُمَمِ الَّذِينَ بَارَكَ اللَّهُ بِهِمْ كَافَّةَ النَّاسِ الْعَرَبُ مِنْهُمْ وَالْعَجَمِ
فَالْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ الَّذِي لَمْ يَتَّخِذْ وَلَدًا وَلَمْ يَكُنْ لَهُ شَرِيكٌ فِي الْمُلْكِ وَلَمْ يَكُنْ لَهُ وَلِيٌّ مِنَ الذُّلِّ وَكَبِّرْهُ تَكْبِيرًا وَالْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ الَّذِي أَنْزَلَ عَلَى عَبْدِهِ الْكِتَابَ وَلَمْ يَجْعَلْ لَهُ عِوَجًا وَالْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ الَّذِي نَحْمَدُهُ وَنَسْتَعِينُهُ وَنَسْتَغْفِرُهُ وَنُؤْمِنُ بِهِ وَنَتَوَكَّلُ عَلَيْهِ وَنَعُوذُ بِاللَّهِ مِنْ شُرُورِ أَنْفُسِنَا وَمِنْ سَيِّئَاتِ أَعْمَالِنَا مَنْ يَهْدِهِ اللَّهُ فَلَا مُضِلَّ لَهُ وَمَنْ يُضْلِلْ فَلَا هَادِيَ لَهُ وَنَشْهَدُ أَنْ لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا اللَّهُ وَحْدَهُ لَا شَرِيكَ لَهُ وَنَشْهَدُ أَنَّ مُحَمَّدًا عَبْدُ اللَّهِ وَرَسُولُهُ أَرْسَلَهُ اللَّهُ تَعَالَى بِالْهُدَى وَدِينِ الْحَقِّ لِيُظْهِرَهُ عَلَى الدِّينِ كُلِّهِ وَكَفَى بِاللَّهِ شَهِيدًا فَصَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ تَسْلِيمًا كَثِيرًا كَثِيرًا
أَمَّا بَعْدُ فَإِنَّ أَصْدَقَ الْحَدِيثِ كِتَابُ اللَّهِ وَخَيْرَ الْهَدْيِ هَدْيُ مُحَمَّدٍ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ وَإِنَّ شَرَّ الْأُمُورِ مُحْدَثَاتُهَا وَإِنَّ كُلَّ مُحْدَثَةٍ بِدْعَةٌ وَكُلَّ بِدْعَةٍ ضَلَالَةٌ وَكُلَّ ضَلَالَةٍ فِي النَّارِ
The Foundation: Allah's Guidance in Human Conflicts
"[Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard.]"
"[O Lord, expand for me my breast [with assurance] and ease for me my task and untie the knot from my tongue that they may understand my speech. O Allah, make us firm at the time of death with 'La ilaha illallah'. O Allah, make us among those who believe and do righteous deeds, and advise each other to truth and advise each other to patience. Ameen, O Lord of the worlds.]"
When Allah sent human beings to earth along with both of our parents, He said something remarkable. Because the devil was being sent down at the same time, Allah declared: "All of you descend - you are going to be enemies to each other." This means the devil is going to be the enemy to men and women, and he is going to make sure that men become enemies to women, women become enemies to men, men to each other, and women to each other. The idea is that Satan will try to create as much animosity as possible.
The Reality of Human Conflict
Satan is going to cause tension between you, cause friction between you. Since the beginning of humanity until today, human beings are suffering in their personal lives, in community, in countries, and in international politics with conflict. There are all kinds of conflicts that human beings are engaged in every single day.
Some of our conflicts are economic - for example, an employee fighting with an employer. The boss says you need to work more and get paid less, and the employee says no, I want to work less and get paid more. The boss says less time off, the employee says I want more time off. The government tells people we want more taxes, and people say we want to pay less taxes. The government says we want to provide less services, people say less taxes and more services. There is tension between people and government, employers and employees, and there is tension between men and women in marriage and in social contracts.
The Need for Divine Guidance
In all of these conflicts, every side believes that they are right. For example, if there is a divorce case or conflict between two family members and they go to a divorce court judge, if the judge is a man and the judge is a woman, it's going to make a difference, isn't it? Because they can't help but be who they are. If the judge himself or herself went through a divorce just two months ago, then when they see - if the female judge sees the guy, she's not going to see a man, she's going to see her ex-husband and she's going to let it out. Human beings can't help themselves but be biased.
The thing though is that Allah gave us guidance, and He gave us guidance because He loves men and women equally. He's concerned with the employer and the employee equally. He's the only one that truly can be a neutral party. Nobody else can be neutral - men can't be neutral, women can't be neutral, parents can't be neutral, children can't be neutral. Everyone is going to look at things from their own point of view.
The Problem of Selective Religious Application
What's interesting is our greed - our need to just get our rights and what we deserve - is so obsessive that even when we come to our religion, what we do often is that we study the things that will benefit us. So parents will look up all the places in the Quran that talk about parents' rights so they can quote it to their kids and say "Allah says be the best you can be to your parents." Everybody wants to talk about their rights, nobody wants to talk about their responsibilities.
Then on the flip side, husbands will quote hadith and ayat at their wives, and the wives will quote back "Oh, you're no sahabi yourself" and then they'll quote stuff at their husbands. So everybody wants to take a part of Islam they can use as a weapon to slap somebody else with, instead of taking responsibility themselves.
The Supremacy of Allah's Word
When we say that the word of Allah is in the supreme place, it's in the highest place, then I have to put my needs and my wants and my bias and my feelings on the side and put Allah's word above that. If I'm not able to do that, then I don't understand the place of Allah's word, because my own bias and my own feelings are actually superior to Allah's own words.
"[So do not claim yourselves to be pure; He is most knowing of who fears Him.]" (Quran 53:32) - Allah says don't consider yourselves pure, like you don't need help or advice. He is better aware of who's actually conscious of Allah - not you, not even myself. I can't even give that score card to myself; that belongs with Allah Himself.
Understanding "Qawwamoon" - Men as Caretakers
This ayah is one of the most famous and also controversial in Quran studies and sociology circles. But my khutbah today is not about the concluding part of the ayah - it's about the beginning of this ayah. In the beginning, Allah opens the statement by saying:
الرِّجَالُ قَوَّامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ - "Men are caretakers over women."
The word (قوام - qawwam) has several meanings. The first of its meanings comes from (قَوْمة الإنسان - qawmatul insaan) - source of stability for women. Men provide stability for women. Men are a way by which they are protected - not just physically or financially, but also emotionally protected. So they are a place of security for them.
Then when somebody is committed to doing something, the verb (قًام - qaam) is used when they've made up their mind and they're going to do something. This means men are committed to the care of women. Men are charged with the responsibility to protect and care for women.
The Sacred Nature of This Responsibility
In the use of this word, it's remarkable that this word is sacred because from the same letters و, ق, and م, actually one of the other names of Allah derived from this word is القيوم:
"[Allah - there is no deity except Him, the Ever-Living, the Sustainer of [all] existence.]"
Allah describes Himself in the Quran as (قَائِمٌ بِالْقِسْطِ - qaimun bil qist) (Quran 3:18) which is from the same origin. So Allah has used a word for men that actually has some of the attributes that Allah uses for Himself.
When Allah calls Himself القيوم, He's saying He's the one who plans things out and lays out an entire sequence of events for His creation, ensuring that they're growing and ensuring that they're provided for. This means when men become قوّام they're doing their very best to have an actual plan for the women in their households.
Men as Protectors: The Concept of Muhsineen
Another place in the Quran, Allah describes married men as مُحْصِنِين with a صادnot with a . This actually means to bring women inside of a fort. A fort is a symbol of protection, isn't it? So once you get married, she's entered your fort - she's protected from all sides, she's protected from everything else. A fort is self-sustained - the food is provided for, protection is provided for, shelter is provided for, everything is taken care of. That's the idea of a محْصن
Women, interestingly enough, are described as مُحْصِنَات - women that are inside of the forts, meaning they don't like to go out of the fort too. They want to stay within that fort, and they're described as someone who accepts that role that the husband is playing.
The Divine Preference System
Allah then says:
بِمَا فَضَّلَ اللَّهُ بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَىٰ بَعْضٍ
This responsibility of being in charge of the care and the needs and the protection for women comes on account of the fact that Allah decided that some will have preference over others. This is important language. Allah didn't say بِمَا فَضَّلَهُمْ اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِنَّ . He said بِمَا فَضَّلَ اللَّهُ بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَىٰ بَعْضٍ - because Allah has given some preference over others.
You know what that means? That means in some things, Allah has given men preference - an advantage over women. And in other things, Allah has given women an advantage over men. Men have to take certain responsibilities if they're going to be the caretaker or the provider and the protector. All of those responsibilities - that's actually a privilege Allah has handed over to women. You're not responsible for any of those things.
The Financial Responsibility of Men
Allah then opens it even further and talks to the men and says:
وَبِمَا أَنفَقُوا مِنْ أَمْوَالِهِمْ
"And because of what they spend from their monies."
Herein lies the key. Allah in the Quran did not talk exhaustively about marriage. He didn't describe all the things that make a marriage work. There are very few places in the Quran where Allah gave us some insights. Basically, it's like instead of describing the entire building, He mentioned a few pillars. If those pillars are not there, the building's going to collapse.
One of those pillars is that the money responsibility is the man's responsibility. He better go find a job, he better go get some work, he better go and provide, because that is actually what Allah has made him responsible for. The word قوّام in the beginning is now being explained by the fact that men are financially responsible for the groceries, for the car, for the fuel, for the electricity bill, for the school supplies for the kids - everything.
The Mahr: A Sacred Financial Commitment
This starts from the very beginning when you get married - you take the responsibility of paying a mahr (dowry). Some people love to have a high number for the dowry for their daughter. They say it's going to be $100,000 or $50,000 or $250,000. They put this crazy number and they're like, "No, no, it's okay, you don't have to pay it now, it's okay, but mashallah we should have a number that looks good." Then people are married for 20 years and the guy hasn't paid his dowry. That's ridiculous because this is a condition of making a marriage valid. You can't put that off, you can't just keep kicking the can down the road.
A husband isn't even allowed to say to his wife, "Hey, by the way, can you give me a discount? I know you put 50, can we take a few zeros off of that? How about I give it to you not in dollars - can I give it to you in rupees, same number?" You can't hint that you have trouble paying your mahr. Men aren't even allowed to hint at that.
"[But if they give up willingly to you anything of it, then eat it in satisfaction and good health.]"
After you pay the dowry, if you're making monthly payments and you give her $500 or $100, whatever you give her as part of your dowry that you're paying off, you can't make comments like "Fine, here's your monthly... this week was really tough, this month was..." You can't make any of those comments. If she takes those $100 from you and then takes out a dollar bill and says, "Here, go get yourself some ice cream," if she does that on her own free will, then you can take that. But once you're handing that money, you're not even looking at that money anymore - it ain't yours. That's part of being a man according to the Quran. It's part of being رِجَالٌ قَوَّامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ
Contemporary Challenges to Financial Responsibility
One of the reasons I was pushed to give this lecture is because lots of people email me all kinds of questions, and there are many men around the world whose wives are being told to go get a job and work while they're sitting at home. Muslim men are saying, "You have to obey your husband." What kind of ridiculous religion is that? Allah made men responsible financially, and they can't even say, "You have to go... we're having a hard time, you need to earn this or that."
Look, if there's a desperate situation and a wife decides to go get a job and support financially on her own, that's a voluntary thing she's doing that she cannot be told to do. If she does get a job, if she does have a business, if her father left behind some stores or some property in her name, and you're like, "Hey, can we get some of that too because I'm your family?" - No, no, no, no. That's her money. You can't touch it.
The Financial Equation in Islam
Allah made this equation in which she has a financial advantage: your money is basically hers, and her money is hers, and you can't look at it. You can't keep your eye on it. You can't say, "Whatever happened to that? What happened to that jewelry?" No, no, no, that's not yours to touch.
Whatever you gave her - like you say, "Hey, you know on our 10th anniversary, I'm gonna give you this car" - once you gave her the car, it's her car. You can't even take the keys and say, "I'm going..." No, you gotta get her permission, and she better give it on her own good free will, no pressure - not even unspoken pressure - that you can touch that car, because you gave it up. It's done.
Give women their gifts happily and freely. You don't even think about them again.
Financial Priorities and Responsibilities
This financial sense that men are supposed to have is critical, and Allah mentions that as one of the first conditions of what makes a marriage work. When they take that kind of responsibility where the wife doesn't have to ask, "Hey, we don't have money for groceries, we don't have this... oh, I gotta give you again?"
For a lot of men, you know what they do? They feel that they owe financial responsibility or financial help to their brother, to their sister, to their mother and their father who may be financially already taken care of, but you still wanna give them. But you're not giving financial needs to your wife and your children. That's not being a man.
Some people are in financial abuse situations where I've even seen cases where the bank account is a joint account between the husband and his mother, and the wife has no access to the account. What kind of Islam did you learn? Where did you get this from? The wife is being constantly told, "That's our son, it's like that's our property, you're just renting it." If you wanted to act that way, then you had no business getting married. If you wanted to financially treat the spouse this way, then you have no business being in the institution of marriage.
Women's Qualities: The Other Side of the Equation
Now let's flip to the other side. Allah told the men what responsibilities they have. The rest of this khutbah is actually the other side. Men are responsible for all of this - they better sweat and break their backs earning for a family and go through all of the labor that they need to go through to take care of them and provide for them, and protect them and take care of them emotionally, financially, and physically. Well, what do the women owe then? What's their side of this equation?
Allah starts with - not saying "women," but instead of saying women, He said "therefore, good women." He doesn't even say women - He says good women, as if Allah expects the first thing for women to be is good.
Salihaat: Women as Sources of Peace
What does good mean in Arabic? The word صالح comes from صلح. صلح means the opposite of fighting, the opposite of corruption. Actually, when there's a conflict, then you want to make peace between two sides - you do صلح.
This means women - such wives - are the source of ending all conflicts in the family. They are a source of peace and reconciliation. They are the reason tempers go down. They are the reason voices are lowered. They are the source of calm. They are the voice of reason. They are the source of reform. If there is a conflict or some kind of tension, the first place that the husband looks to - when he turns to her, things are going to settle down - is going to be the wife.
For some of you are like, "Seriously? Because all the fighting is actually... you're telling me that the place where all the fighting starts from is the place where it's supposed to end?" The thing is, when men don't take care of their end, and women don't take care of their end, they become a source of great tension and conflict. Allah starts by saying that they are a source of reform. They are settled, they are calm, they are actually peace themselves, goodness themselves. They are the removal of all sorts of tension.
Qanitatun: Eager to Obey Allah
Then He says قَانِتَاتٌ - eager to obey. Some have interpreted this as eager to obey Allah, and that is true. They are eager to obey Allah. They translate this as subservient like القُنُوتْ لِلَّهِ. Allah says قُومُوا لِلَّهِ قَانِتِينَ (Quran 2:238) - meaning have قنوت meaning have this kind of eagerness to obey only for the sake of Allah.
But what does that mean? Why in the middle of "men should do this for women" is Allah saying "they should do this for men, but this part is for Allah"? The reason that's there is because women should remember that when they are being a source of calm and when they are providing peace and sakina in the household, they need to realize: the only one who can keep a household calm is them, and the only one who can truly set it on fire is them.
They control the emotional temperature of a household. They control it, and they better keep it cool because this is an act of them obeying Allah Himself. This is out of their eagerness to obey Allah - they need to become a source of calm.
Hafizatun lil-Ghayb: Guarding the Invisible
Then Allah adds another responsibility for women. He says they guard what is invisible:
حَافِظَاتٌ لِّلْغَيْبِ
What does that mean? It means that when the husband is out at work, they are not doing anything the husband wouldn't have wanted them to do. They are not talking to anybody who the husband wouldn't have wanted them to talk to. They don't have any friends that the husband didn't approve of. They are not having any conversations that are behind his back. Conversations that are private between husband and wife are not being shared with her mother or her sister or whoever else, because they are supposed to guard that.
There is a privacy between a husband and a wife. If there is an abuse situation and he is beating you or cussing you or doing some crazy things to you, then you need to get somebody who can actually help not just somebody to talk to, but somebody who can come in and intervene. That is talked about in the surah later on.
But when it becomes a habit - "I just need to talk to somebody" and you are just railing on the husband, or you are sharing things that he asked you to keep private, or you have connections or friends or associates or company, or you are going to places where he would never have wanted you to go to - had he seen you there, he would have been really upset or really hurt, and you are still doing that anyway and in your head, "Well, he didn't find out, so it's okay" - Allah says they have to guard what is invisible. Part of the meaning is what is invisible to him - they have to guard that because of what Allah ordained should be guarded.
The Balanced Equation
Now the equation is balanced. On the one side, Allah told men:
"You have to spend because Allah has put that responsibility on you."
On the other side:
حَافِظَاتٌ لِّلْغَيْبِ بِمَا حَفِظَ اللَّهُ
"They guard the invisible because of what Allah has decided to guard."
They are not supposed to be keeping secrets from their husband. They are not supposed to be having passwords on their phone where the husband says, "Can I see your phone?" "No." "Why?" "Hold on a second, let me erase everything. Okay, now you can see it." Why?
The private life of a wife is actually completely shared. You are their لباس they are your لباس. There are no secrets between husband and wife. They are supposed to be completely open with each other.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) would share secrets with his wives:
When he shared a secret with his spouse, in his most private and most difficult moments, he turned to her. If you can't be each other's clothes... when somebody is wearing clothes, there is nothing between the clothes and your body, is there? Your clothes - the inside of your clothes have no secrets between you and yourself and them. That's the description of a spouse, husband and wife.
When Solutions Are Needed
This is how the balance is maintained between the two sides. But what if there are problems? What if he's crazy? What if she does this or that? Everybody's concerned about the abuse from the other side, and if there is abuse, it's real - I acknowledge that it's real. But what I wanted to elaborate first and foremost is: how does Allah expect things to look? Not how I expect or you expect - how does Allah expect the relationship to look? What are some of its most fundamental pillars that if they are not there, then they should be the first priority before anything else?
Marriage can have a hundred problems. A family can have a hundred problems. If these few things that I've mentioned are still a problem, then everything else is secondary. This is the primary issue. This has to be worked on before anything else. If this is not being resolved, if this cannot be fixed, then what does Allah say?
"If you really think that this canyon has opened up between them and they can't seem to figure out how to make this work - these fundamentals aren't there - then you need to get someone worthy of counsel, some wise person, some sensible person that can represent her side from her family and get somebody representative from his family and get them to talk it out."
The Importance of Proper Intervention
Nobody else should get involved. This is not a dinner conversation. This is not some interesting subject at an Eid party - "Those two are having trouble." This is not for anybody else. This is one responsible person who cares, who understands things and is not emotionally all over the place - not an angry person from her family, one calm, level-headed person from his family - and they can have a mutual meeting to try to figure things out. If things work out, okay. If things don't work out, that's okay too. This is how things are supposed to be solved. This is how hatred is not created.
The Generational Impact
You know what happens a lot of times? People remain in broken marriages and they don't get anybody involved and they don't fix what's broken, and they develop hatred towards each other. When that hatred is between husband and wife, the children see it and they learn that this is normal. It's normal for mom and dad to talk this way. So when those kids grow up and they're going to be married, guess how they're going to talk to their spouse? That's what they learned. That's the schooling they got at home.
When you don't have that peace at home, you are actually passing that chaos down to the next generations, and it's a subconscious kind of learning. When children learn from what they see, that is never forgotten. What they learn in classroom you forget. When you were kids, you don't remember what your teacher said in class. You remember one thing: what your parents used to do at home. You remember - you still, as adults, you remember that because that leaves an imprint on a person's personality.
The Ultimate Purpose of Marriage
This isn't just about even a husband and a wife - it's about the legacy we're leaving behind, the tranquility that's supposed to come thereafter. The fundamental purpose of marriage was:
Before Allah mentioned love, before He mentioned care and mercy (مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةٌ) He said the first purpose of marriage is so you can find peace with each other. When you look at someone, you just calm down and relax - like finally, I'm in a safe place. Finally, this is a place where I'll be dignified. I won't be humiliated. I won't be reminded of my past mistakes. I'm completely at ease because I'm in the presence of my spouse, husband or wife.
If that's not there, then that needs to be there. If you're not able to get there yourself, then you need outside help - and professional help at that.
Closing Prayer
May Allah allow us the opportunity to fix broken relationships and to do what's best for ourselves and our families. May Allah allow us and give us the rizq of seeking the right kind of help to mend the ties that are being broken.
Final Quranic Recitation
أعوذ بالله من الشيطان الرجيم
"and the remembrance of Allah is greater. And Allah knows that which you do."
"Indeed, salah (prayer) has been decreed upon the believers a decree of specified times."
O servants of Allah, may Allah have mercy on you, fear Allah, the Praiseworthy, the Glorious.