On Treating Women in Islam
By Nouman Ali Khan | 2026-01-08T20:43:01.546664+00:00 | Topic: Iman
On Treating Women in Islam
Khutbah by Nouman Ali Khan
Opening Supplications
"I seek refuge in Allah from the accursed Satan."
"O Allah, make us among those who believe, do righteous deeds, and advise one another to truth and advise one another to patience."
"O Allah, make us firm at the time of death with the declaration, 'There is no god but Allah.'"
"My Lord, expand for me my breast [with assurance] and ease for me my task and untie the knot from my tongue that they may understand my speech."
Introduction to Surah An-Nisa Verse 34
Allah says in His Noble Book, after I say, I seek refuge with Allah from the accursed Satan:
"Men are steadfast against women because Allah has favored some of them over others, and because they have spent of their wealth. But the righteous are devoutly observant of the unseen because Allah has preserved it. And those who are afraid of their transgressions, raise them up and throw them into the pits and strike them."
This ayah of the Qur'an is the 34th ayah of Surat An-Nisa. It is the subject of a lot of controversy around the world, on the internet. There are actually academic symposia held on this ayah because this is famously known as the ayah of hitting women. That is the famous name for this ayah. And I'd like to start by telling you that these naming conventions, the ayah of darb or darb al-nisa or something like that, right? I remember actually almost 10 years ago there was a symposium on just this ayah at Yale University and how to solve the problem of this ayah.
Our Humble Approach to Allah's Word
I personally, just from a student point of view, let's leave the academics aside. For Muslims, when we study the Qur'an, we're not just studying something that's an intellectual exercise. We're humbly studying the word of Allah.
And part of our iman is that this word is supreme. (وَكَلِمَةُ اللهِ هِيَ الْعُلْيَا - wakalimatullahi hiyal 'ulya) (Quran 9:40) The word of Allah is in the supreme place. It is above criticism.
It's above our commentary in terms of putting it down. Whether I'm a man or a woman, what I come to find in the book of Allah, before I even understand it, before I understand it, there are some things inside of me that will never change. And one of them is this, there is no greater gift of Allah than this revelation.
This is the manifestation of Allah's ultimate love, care and mercy. He calls himself Ar-Rahman when he describes that he taught the Qur'an. (الرَّحْمَنُ عَلَّمَ الْقُرْآن - Ar-Rahmanu 'allamal Qur'an) (Quran 55:1-2) Anything the Qur'an teaches, as a matter of fact, is a manifestation.
It's an example, a sample of Allah's loving care and mercy that is evidenced by His name Ar-Rahman itself. But often because some of these passages of the Qur'an or some of these subjects of the Qur'an are so muddled with controversy and criticism and allegations against Islam, it's actually no surprise now that even many Muslims are uncomfortable with parts of the Qur'an. And when they hear certain ayat of the Qur'an, they feel like, well, how do you explain this or how do you explain that? And it's okay to not understand and it's okay to want to seek an explanation.
The Importance of Humility in Understanding
That is perfectly fine. And as a matter of fact, it is also not okay to have a shallow understanding of the book of Allah, not truly understand what Allah is saying, and then fully confidently say, this is exactly what Allah means. We have to be humble even as students of Allah's book.
That at the end of the day, Allahu A'ala. There is the exercise of tadabbur, the exercise of reflecting on the Qur'an, trying to find meaning, purpose, and guidance in the Qur'an. At the end of the day is a human effort.
I will do my best to try to understand the word of Allah. But at the end of it all, the word of Allah is perfect and my mind is not. I'm only gonna get as far as I can get.
And at the end of it all, I have to give in. (وَالرَّاسِخُونَ فِي الْعِلْمِ يَقُولُونَ آمَنَّا بِهِ كُلٌّ مِنْ عِنْدِ رَبِّنَا - war-rasikhoona fil 'ilmi yaqooloona aamannaa bihi kullun min 'indi rabbinaa) (Quran 3:7) Even when they come across what they can't quite understand, what is mutashabaha minhu, what is ambiguous from the Qur'an, not so clear to them, those who are really truly rich in knowledge, they don't say, ah, I know what this says. They say, we believe in it, all of it is from Allah, I'm okay, I'm good.
That contentment in the heart needs to be there as a major prerequisite. Having a criticism in the heart of a believer, has a criticism of the word of Allah. You have to understand, that is no different than a criticism of Allah Himself.
The word of Allah is actually a representation of Allah Azza wa Jal. It is from Him. This is His message. This is His position. So we have to have a humility, regardless of gender, when we approach this subject.
The Problem of Taking Verses Out of Context
The other thing I want to say is that actually later on in the Qur'an, by revelation earlier in the Mus'haf later on, one of the criticisms Allah Azza wa Jal made about the approach to His book is: (الَّذِينَ جَعَلُوا الْقُرْآنَ عِضِينَ - allatheena ja'alul qur'ana 'ideen) (Quran 15:91) They made the Qur'an and they tore it to pieces.
They took the Qur'an and tore it to pieces. Now it's pretty interesting that that statement was made when the Prophet was in Mecca, (salallahu alayhi wasalam). The Qur'an wasn't even documented in writing yet.
It wasn't even available as, how do you tear something that's not even written? The point was you take one piece, one phrase, one word, one expression, one ayah even, and you rip it out of its context. You don't care to know what Allah said before, what Allah said after. Where does this belong? What are the other ayat that help you complete your understanding? Nope, you hear half a thing, you take a sound bite, which is what media does in propaganda, right? You take a sound bite, and then you'd say this person said so and so, but actually that's half the sentence, the other sentence, the rest of it is something else.
Taking things out of context is actually one of the main implications of (الَّذِينَ جَعَلُوا الْقُرْآنَ عِضِينَ - allatheena ja'alul qur'ana 'ideen) That's one of the crimes that's been committed against this beautiful, beautiful ayah. And I have to start with that, that this is a remarkably beautiful ayah.
The Two Halves of the Ayah
The ayah is divided into two halves. The first half of it is how things should be. The second half of it is, what do you do when things aren't as they should be? Two halves. What do you do when things aren't as they should be includes the part that is the subject of controversy.
But in order to even understand that phrase, one must first give proper regard to the fact that that's not an ayah by itself. The ayah is a large passage, it's a large sum of sentences. My khutbah today is actually dedicated to the first half of this ayah, the part of this ayah that gets ignored.
I would argue before we even, and it would take enough time, I would think, in this khutbah to even get, we're fortunate if we get through that part. And on another occasion, I'd like to come and now deal with the second part of this ayah. But really, at the end of the day, Allah complains that people don't even, they take the Qur'an and tear it to pieces.
The crime with this ayah is people have taken the ayah and torn it to pieces. They haven't even looked at the ayah by itself. You know, at the very least, the subject of our contemplation in the Qur'an is the ayah. (لِيَدَّبَّرُوا آيَاتِهِ - liyaddabbaroo ayatihi) (Quran 38:29) So they contemplate his ayat. So you look at the ayah as a whole at least.
And then, as a larger sum, you look at the surah as a whole. And then, by extension, you look at the Qur'an as a whole. So things have to be looked at in a conjoined sort of way.
Understanding "Qawwamun" - Men as Maintainers
So I'd like to begin with the first remarkable phrase here (الرِّجَالُ قَوَّامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ - ar-rijaalu qawwaamoona 'alan nisaa') Men, a rough translation, men are maintainers over women. Men are maintainers, caretakers, over women.
But let's dig deep into that word in between men and women, which is (قَوَّامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ قَوَّامُونَ عَلَيْهِنَّ - qawwaamoona 'alan nisaa' qawwaamoona 'alayhinna) The word qawam comes from the Arabic verb قام, to stand.
But also means to commitآزم to take care of, to maintain, to be serious, to be committed to something. As a matter of fact, one of the names of Allah comes from this same origin. (لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا هُوَ الْحَيُّ الْقَيُّومُ - laa ilaaha illaa huwal hayyul qayyoom) (Quran 2:255)
الْقَيُّوم is actually related to the word الْقَوَّام It's from the same origin. And so the first thing from an imani point of view, from a faith point of view, is we have to be careful in how to understand this word, because Allah chose this word to extract from it one of His own names.
So if you are loose in the treatment of this word, you're dealing with something very sacred to begin with. You have to think about for a moment, take a step back, and think about language altogether. Allah taught all of bayan.
(عَلَّمَهُ الْبَيَانَ - 'allamahul bayaan) (Quran 55:4) All language was taught by Allah, even what we speak now in English, or Urdu, or Punjabi, or Farsi, or Bahasa Malay, or whatever language you speak. That is actually, it goes back to what was given to Adam a.s. But he chose of all of those languages, he honored the Arabic language for his final revelation. But not all of the Arabic language.
Within the Arabic language, a few, a subset of the Arabic language was chosen to become part of Allah's words themselves. And within that vocabulary, there's even a more special vocabulary, which Allah chose to describe even Himself. So of the words that have ever been uttered by humanity, the words that have received the greatest honor are the ones that are attributed to Allah Himself.
And Al-Qawamun is actually related to one of those names. Al-Qayyum. Now, to maintain, to commit, to take care of, are very direct, immediate implications of Qama.
The Meaning is Not Authority
Actually, this is, from the extended version of this verb, comes Aqama, from when we say Aqamatul Salah. It's from the same origin. The first thing I'd like to highlight is from the Arabic point of view, this word has nothing to do with authority.
Izzah has to do with authority. Saitarah has to do with authority. Sultan has to do with authority.
There are several words in Arabic. Arabic is a very rich language. There are several words in Arabic that are available for what word? For what concept? Authority.
Qama is not one of them. Qawam is not one of them. As a matter of fact, Umara is different from Qawam.
Or Amir is different from Qawam. There's a fundamental difference. But unfortunately, in many people's minds, even this opening statement of the ayah is interpreted as men are authorities over women.
Do men have authority over women in certain circumstances? Absolutely, I will be the first to tell you. But where does that come from? It comes from other places. It comes from other evidences.
I am not a proponent of taking something from the Quran and then imposing on it my version or my view, even if my view is correct because of some other reasons. You see? The ayat have to be taken as supreme on their own. We don't impose on the ayat, the ayat impose on us.
You know (كَلَامُ اللهِ يَعْلُو وَلَا يُعْلَى عَلَيْهِ - kalaamullahi ya'loo wa laa yu'laa 'alayhi) This is the speech of Allah. It rides supreme. It is not dominated over.
The Pattern of Intensive Care
Anyhow, what does this imply? قوام Actually, it's called صِيغَةُ مُبَالَغَة Something that requires تکرار repetition. Like, you know, in Arabic, you'll say خَبَّاز or خَيّاط or نَجّار or that right? They come from the same pattern. When somebody does something over and over and over again, and they have to keep going back and doing it, and then they become an expert in doing so, that's why someone who makes a lot of bread, is a خَبّازa baker.
Because they make it over and over again, they get very good at it. And so when names sound like that, like one of Allah's names is غَفَّارِ. غَفَّار suggests that Allah doesn't just forgive, He forgives repeatedly, over and over again.
He does it. And that suggests in some cases even expertise. قوّام here suggests that men continually express their care, their loyalty, their commitment.
They renew it over and over again over women. That's the idea of قوّام. Someone who maintains, takes care of, shows loyalty, shows love, is actively involved over and over again.
In other words, men don't get to be passive in their relationship with their women. It cannot be a passive relationship. It cannot be, she knows I love her. It can't be that. Oh, she knows I care. It can't be that.
It needs to actually be expressed actively and repeatedly and constantly. And that's the first implication that is inside (الرِّجَالُ قَوَّامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ - ar-rijaalu qawwaamoona 'alan nisaa')
Allah's Rationale for This Arrangement
But then Allah gives His rationale. Why should this be the case? On what basis should you be the caretaker? Why? Because firstبِمَا فَضَّلَ اللهُ بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَى بَعْضٍ Because Allah has given some preference over others.
Now first reading of that might make you think that means, because men should maintain, take care of, commit themselves and renew and continually refresh their commitment to their women. Because Allah gave preference to men over women. But actually that would have been (بِمَا فَضَّلَّهُمُ ٱللَّهُ عَلَيْهِنَّ - bimaa faddalahumul laahu 'alaihinna) When He says (بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَىٰ بَعْضٍ - ba'dahum 'alaa ba'din) That actually means some over others.
Women Have Certain Advantages from Allah
In other words, in some matters, Allah has given women advantages. And in some matters, Allah has given men advantages. I'll give you for example, the Quranic advantage Allah gave women.
"[And be conscious of Allah - in Whose name you demand [your rights] from one another - and of family ties. Verily, Allah is ever watchful over you!]" Beginning of this surah itself, surah al-Nisa. Allah mentioned taqwa of Himself, and then He mentioned taqwa of the womb of the wombs of the mother.
What a status given to the woman. That Allah put taqwa which occurs either for Allah, or for judgment day, or for protecting yourself from Allah's torment in the akhirah. Be careful of Allah, be careful of judgment day, be careful of the womb of the mother.
Be careful of the relationships of the womb. And everything that comes with it, whether it's marriage, motherhood, your aunt, your grandparents, etc., grandchildren. Whatever bonds you to somebody through the womb is a sacred bond now that you should have taqwa of.
What an advantage that's been given. Other places in the Quran, Allah will say
"[And women shall have rights similar to those exercised against them, according to what is equitable.]" He's given them some advantages in compensation for some of the disadvantages. That's what Allah will say Himself.
And this is in a dignified way. That Allah did this not to humiliate them, but He added even the qualification (بِٱلْمَعْرُوفِ - bilma'roofi) at the end of that phrase. So the idea here is, Allah is actually encouraging men to acknowledge that women have been given certain honors.
Men Must Acknowledge Women's Blessings
And because of it, they must go out of their way to take care of women. They must actually acknowledge the blessings Allah has given them, the merits that Allah has given them. And in acknowledgement of that, now you've been put not in a position of advantage, but rather in a position of responsibility.
This is a burden on you. This is something you'll be asked about. This is actually in line with
"[Then, on that Day, you will be asked about the bliss [you were granted!]]" On that day you'll be asked about the favor, the blessings you enjoyed. And that is one of them.
The Second Basis: Financial Responsibility
But then He adds a second qualification. Another basis for which you must maintain and take care of your women is (وَبِمَا أَنْفَقُوا مِنْ أَمْوَالِهِمْ - wa bimaa anfaqoo min amwaalihim) actually commonly not understood.
Our Mufassirun exhausted themselves over this. (وَبِمَا أَنْفَقُوا مِنْ أَمْوَالِهِمْ - wa bimaa anfaqoo min amwaalihim) They say للابتداء One argument is للابْتِدَاءِ What does that suggest? It means because the starting point of their relationship with their women is that they spend from their money. The relationship with your spouse isn't, Well, I pay the bills.
I pay the rent. I'm paying the car insurance. I'm paying the cell phone. I'm paying for your shopping. So, I don't have to do anything else. As if to say the starting point of it.
Look, because on account of the fact that you're already spending from your money, which is the original gesture, by the way. Even that relationship of marriage began with mahr. It began with (إِنْفَاقُ الْأَمْوَالِ - infaaqul amwaali) But that wasn't the end of the relationship.
That was the beginning of the relationship. It actually ceremonially symbolized something. It symbolized that you're willing to spend even of hard-earned income on this person.
And therefore, now that you've... And by the way, when you spend something on someone, or on something, then naturally you take care of it. And so actually on account of that, Allah Azzawajal says, you must now, you and I must as men, take care of women. (وَبِمَا أَنْفَقُوا مِنْ أَمْوَالِهِمْ - wa bimaa anfaqoo min amwaalihim)
Men Should Want to Provide
Now, on this note, Allah Azzawajal in the Quran made it pretty explicitly clear. I mean, there are extraneous circumstances. There are unusual situations in life. And Allah mentions those too.
But as a general principle, a man is supposed to actually have deep in his spirit that he wants to provide and take care of his family. Not just emotionally, and in every other sense, in a protective sense, that's already been mentioned, but also in terms of providing.
The Problem of Stingy Husbands
I felt the need to highlight this because I've had, I think, one too many conversations that have left me pretty shocked. Even disgusted. Where husbands, not only refuse to spend on their wives, I mean, not even in the most minimal way, they'll even go to a restaurant. And I'm not talking about some uneducated people in some rural area somewhere.
No, no, no, no, no. Those people are actually much better. We're talking about people who live in Dallas, man. We're talking about people that are educated, professional, well-established. And they'll go to a restaurant with their wife and say, we're splitting the check. Or I didn't want to come here, you wanted to come here, you pay.
Or we're going on a trip to Pakistan. You buy your own ticket. Or, you know, well, if you... And she says, I haven't bought any clothes for three years. I don't have anything. I don't even have enough to just even get groceries. Well, get a job then.
I don't have enough. But you do have enough. You're getting a second car. You just bought a new TV for your office, which you play video games in. Why can't I just have... No, no, if you want it, just go get work. Go work yourself.
This is the antithesis of... As if Allah is saying, if you don't have that, if you don't have the sense to want to spend and take care of... And by the way, that's not an open line of credit for women either. It's not like she spends whatever she wants or whatever. But you must take care of her needs at least.
And make her feel dignified. And actually even if a woman has to come and beg and ask, you know. And be humiliated to even ask for some financial... This is an indication that you're no longer qawwam.
You're not. (وَبِمَا أَنْفَقُوا مِنْ أَمْوَالِهِمْ - wa bimaa anfaqoo min amwaalihim) So beautifully spelled out, you know.
The Problem in Traditional Cultures
And what happens in many traditional cultures is a fun problem. We get married, and our parents and our siblings, they're our real family. This girl you married, you just did her a favor. And you and your family will continuously remind her that, you know, I could have married anybody.
My mother showed me 20 different proposals. And I went with you. So you just be grateful and live in the closet. You know your place. And now she sees with her own eyes every time you earn something, every time there's a moment to celebrate, every time there's a joyous occasion, you treat those people as your real family and her as second class. She doesn't really belong.
She's the object of criticism, ridicule, mockery, and even negligence. And this is very common in Muslim families. How in the world are we people of Qur'an, how can we recite ayahs like these, you know.
The first part of this ayah, we feel like Qur'an is embarrassing, it's saying something politically incorrect. We don't even look in the mirror. The first part of this ayah is putting us to shame. It's putting us in our place. (وَبِمَا أَنْفَقُوا مِنْ أَمْوَالِهِمْ - wa bimaa anfaqoo min amwaalihim)
Qualities of Good Women
Then Allah turns His attention to women. Okay, this is how men should be. The first part of this brief statement, very comprehensive, is how men should be. And how they should regard women. And because of the favors, not because men and women are special, because Allah gave them certain special things.
That is Allah's grant to them. You know, sometimes you say, I don't see anything good in my wife. Or whatever. Allah Azawajal is saying (بِمَا فَضَّلَ ٱللَّهُ بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَىٰ بَعْضٍ - bimaa faddalul laahu ba'dahum 'alaa ba'din) There are some things good in you, that Allah granted you. Nobody can take that away. There are some things good in her, that Allah granted her, nobody can take, not even you can take that away.
Now, from the flip side of this, Allah Azawajal describes (فَالصَّالِحَاتُ - faassaalihaatu) Good women. Good women. Reformed women.
So Allah didn't just say, on the men's side, He called them رجال. On the women's side, He didn't begin with نساء. He began with الصَّالِحَاتْ good women.
The Meaning of "Salihat" (Good Women)
And this is actually now Allah's direct sermon to women, the believing women. That Allah Azawajal wants them not just to be women, but to be good. الصَّلاح is the Arabic opposite of فساد
فَسَدَ is when something goes rotten. When something becomes rotten. When something no longer has a good smell anymore, good taste anymore, it's no longer nutritious anymore, then it has فَستاد in it.
In a physical sense,صالِحَات is healthy, even صالح can be used, like سليم can be used. But also in a moral, spiritual, and even emotional sense,صالح is someone who's good to Allah, who's good to people. Also not in a bad mood all the time, not angry all the time, not anxious all the time, not complaining all the time, not whining all the time, not remembering the bad that happened all the time and reviewing it like it happened an hour ago, not reliving it and then crying over again all the time, not lost in the negative, they're صالحات.
By the way, from it comes the word صلح which means reconciliation. Their attitude is one of ending conflicts, not of furthering them.
When Women Become Exhausted
Now what happens often is because we've hurt each other. Men have hurt women, women have hurt men. And women have been given an incredible amount of patience, that's why they're mothers. They have far more tolerance than we do.
Try taking care of your kid and compare that to the way your wife will take care of your kid. There's no comparison. There's no comparison.
But then when a woman is exhausted so much in so many other parts of her life, she has no energy left to be tolerant with her spouse. So all of that frustration comes out with him. And then she blows up on him.
He comes home from work and she's just railing on him. And then he says, why are you talking to me like this? And she'll say, well, I have no one else to talk to. I'm just expressing myself.
Well, there's a two-part problem here. When a husband failed to be qawwam, and when she failed to be . فالصالحات
Women's Submission to Allah, Not Men
Then he says (قَانِتَاتٌ حَافِظَاتُ لِلْغَيْبِ قَانِتَاتٌ - qaanitaatun haafizaatul lilghaybi qaanitaatun) means subservient but not to the man.
قنوت in Qur'an from my conviction, there's both opinions to be honest with you. But from what I can see, قانتات is actually subservient, submissive, but not to the man, but rather to Allah. They're good and they're subservient to Allah.
If you can be subservient to Allah, everything your husband asks of you is already taken care of. Why? Because when somebody is subservient to Allah, when they're submissive to Allah, then they truly, a spouse truly becomes لباس for the other. Then they cover for the faults of the other.
Then they don't humiliate the other. Then they don't backbite the other. They don't call their friends and say, my husband is this way, this way, this way, and this way.
Protecting the Husband's Reputation
They guard, you know. Like there are cases, somebody complains, my husband doesn't pray. Every night he oversleeps. Why does he oversleep? Well, he works until 2-3 in the morning. So he oversleeps. I can't stand it.
He's such a hypocrite. Etc, etc. That's not the kind of language you use for your husband.
If he's not waking up for prayer, that crime that he's committing, or sin that he's committing before Allah, is also balanced by something. He's trying to provide for a family. He has no other way to make an income.
He's a human being. He passes out. You go out of your way to try to wake him up, lovingly, not giving him a lecture. You munafiq wake up. You're gonna burn in Jahannam. And if he doesn't wake up, you cover for his sin.
If he doesn't wake up, you cover for it. And you work patiently until he can. Until you can support him in doing so.
That's not a way of supporting. And on top of that, to bad mouth him to others. Unacceptable.
This is, (الصَّالِحَةُ قَانِتَةٌ وَبِمَا أَنْفَقُوا مِنْ أَمْوَالِهِمْ - assaalihatu qaanitatun wa bimaa anfaqoo min amwaalihim)
Guarding the Unseen
And then the next quality of a woman is (حَافِظَاتٌ لِلْغَيْبِ بِمَا حَفِظَ اللهُ - haafizaatul lilghaybi bimaa hafizallah) This is where I'd like to conclude with. They guard the ghayb. Good women guard the unseen.
What does that mean? The first, most commonly mentioned implication of this part of the ayah is, as a matter of fact, loyalty to their husbands. Loyalty in the sense that they don't expose them to others. Loyalty also that when the husband is gone, they're not doing something the husband wouldn't have wanted them to do.
Loyalty also in the most explicit sense that they're not cheating on their husband. Whether physically cheating on their husband or emotionally cheating on their husband. No, I'm just talking to him.
I just text him every once in a while when I feel lonely. We're just friends. No, no, no.
That's also emotional infidelity. There are levels of infidelity. They guard the unseen.
They guard when the husband isn't there. They protect themselves, you know. A woman has to ask herself, why is she getting extra dressed up when she's going out when the husband isn't there? Why is she putting on extra levels of makeup, etc, etc, when so and so people are going to be there? I'm not there to make that call.
You're not going to be there. You have to make that call yourself. Why are you doing this? Where is this coming from? Why are you changing your profile picture? For who? Why is that happening? Why are you posting newer and newer poses as a married woman? What's that about? Who are you trying to impress? You can lie to yourself.
You can even rationalize it to me. I'm not interrogating you. I'm asking you to interrogate yourself.
You just have to interrogate yourself. (حَافِظَاتٌ لِلْغَيْبِ - hafizatun lilghaib) On account of what Allah meant to be guarded.
The Spiritual Dimension of Guarding the Unseen
Some more reflective interpretations of this before I leave you are also that Allah azza wa jal made women (حَافِظَاتٌ لِلْغَيْبِ - hafizatun lilghaib) in that they are protective of things they can't see.
They're more careful and mindful and spiritually more alert than men are. In a sense that when they make dua they consider so many more things than men. A man will make dua for like 30 seconds and he's done.
A woman dua for like 15 minutes. And she's sitting there and she's crying. Why? Every concern is a big one to her.
Especially matters of what she can't predict, what's gonna happen in the future, etc. So Allah put that as a good quality in her too. (حَافِظَاتٌ لِلْغَيْبِ - hafizatun lilghaib) has a spiritual dimension also.
On account of what? Allah has meant to be guarded. This is the first part of the ayah that is the subject of so much controversy. This is where marriage is supposed to be, the function of marriage is described in the most beautiful and comprehensive way.
Before we even get to what goes wrong. Which by itself I would fully confidently argue is beautiful advice. It's absolutely beautiful advice.
And inshallah ta'ala when the time comes and we discuss it phrase by phrase and go through it, hopefully inshallah ta'ala you can have a renewed appreciation also of what Allah azawajal is saying. And what he's getting at in this remarkable ayah.
Allah's Command to Be Good to Everyone
But even before I go to that, just one last thing I'd like to share with you. Right after this conversation. What should be the right way to go about a relationship? What happens when a relationship goes bad? Right after that, what is the statement of Allah himself?
"And worship Allah and associate nothing with Him, and to parents do good, and to relatives, orphans, the needy, the near neighbor, the neighbor away from home, the companion at your side, the traveler and those whom your right hands possess. Indeed, Allah does not like those who are self-deluding and boastful."
Don't commit shirk with Him. Be the very best you can possibly be to your parents, close relatives, orphans, the needy, the close neighbor, the one you're traveling by, they're commuting next to you. Even be good to them, and the one who travels.
Be good to everyone. Ask yourself this. Oh, so the Qur'an is saying, be good to everyone except your wife? Is that what the Qur'an is saying? You know, the ayah of hitting women? And hit women, by the way, be good to everyone else though.
Be great to them. Have ihsan towards everyone else.
Remembering the Prophet's Teachings
(Bukhari hadith 5204)
Don't hit the female slaves of Allah.
(Tirmidhi hadith 3895)
The best of you are the ones that are the best to their families. And I'm the best among you to my family.
What happens to studying the role the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم played? How did he serve as a husband? How did he deal with problems in his marriages? There were problems in his marriages.
How did he deal with them? How did he overcome those challenges? Why is that sunnah there? So we understand the manifestation of the Qur'an. (كَانَ خُلْقُةُ الْقُرْآنَ - kana khuluquhul quran) His character, his demeanor, the way he carried himself is itself a manifestation of the Qur'an. That's why those two things can never be separated.
Closing Supplication
Allah عز وجل make us genuine, sincere, and true to the word of Allah. Allah عز وجل allow us to be healthy husbands and healthy wives in our relationships. And therefore be sound parents so that we raise our children knowing what it means to be in a healthy relationship.
(Quran 16:90)
(Quran 4:103 & 29:45)