On Grief and Patience

On Grief and Patience - Khutbah by Nouman Ali Khan

Opening Prayer and Invocation

"O Allah, make us among those who believe, do righteous deeds, advise each other to truth, and advise each other to patience."

"My Lord, expand for me my breast [with assurance] and ease for me my task and untie the knot from my tongue that they may understand my speech."

"O Allah, make us firm upon death with the statement, 'There is no god but Allah.'"

Introduction: The Story of Prophet Yusuf

This khutbah focuses on an account of the events that took place in the life of Yusuf (peace be upon him). This is much later in the story, so I'm going to fast forward to the part that will give you some background of what these three ayahs have to do with before I talk about the lessons that come from them.

This is a part of the story where Yusuf (peace be upon him) has been separated for some time from his family. He was thrown into a well, from there ended up being a servant. From there falsely accused, he ended up in prison. And from there he's also been released from prison now, and he serves as a minister. Essentially you can call him a minister of finance, aziz, that's taking care of the budget and the economic crisis that's happening in the country. So he's in a position of power now.

The Famine and Food Distribution System

And in that position of power, because there's a famine, all the villages, all the surrounding areas, they don't have any food. So they all come to the kingdom to receive their quota of food. It's basically a kind of welfare system now. People don't have enough money anymore, so they have to come to the government, and they'll supply them food for each household. And the rule was, you have to bring all the main members of your family, so that we can know, the government can know, these are how many bags we're supposed to give.

You can't come saying "I got six brothers at home, could you give me seven bags?" You can't do that, you have to bring all the brothers with you, so they can verify that this is actually the right amount that's being given. Especially in a time of crisis, you can't have people taking more than they deserve.

The Brothers Come for Food

So the brothers of Yusuf, including the youngest one, are now called to receive their share of the food. And they've come, and Yusuf (peace be upon him) recognizes them, while they don't recognize him. And so he hatches a scheme to keep his brother with him. He basically, essentially, what you can call falsifies evidence, puts one of the golden cups inside one of the bags, and then accuses them: "you people have

stolen from the king." And then when the case comes out, and the bag comes out, now this youngest brother is being held under house arrest.

So the rest of his brothers have gone back to the dad. And now two of them are together, Yusuf and his brother are together. They think he's been arrested, what's really happened is, Yusuf just wanted to keep him with him.

The Second Tragedy for Prophet Ya'qub

That's what was really going on (peace be upon them). In any case, this is a scene of when these brothers went back to their father. This is the second time they're going back to their father. The first time they went back to their father, they lost Yusuf. And they lied about it, they said a wolf ate him. The second time they took the youngest brother, and now they say, well he got arrested. So this is the second time they're going to their dad, and they're going to give him the same news they gave him so many years ago: we've lost another son.

You've lost another son of yours at our hands. And so when he hears this news from them, this is where I'd like to begin, is what was the reaction of Ya'qub (peace be upon him).

Understanding Beautiful Patience (Sabr Jameel)

Before I go to the reaction of Ya'qub (peace be upon him), you should understand that the words, the beautiful words in the Quran (صَبْرٌ جَمِيلٌ - Sabrun Jameel) (Quran 70:5), beautiful patience, or finding beauty in patience, is an expression that is attributed directly to Ya'qub (peace be upon him). So he in the Quran is actually a model for what does it mean to show patience, and what does it mean to show patience beautifully. He's a model for that.

Ya'qub's Reaction to the News

Being a model for that in the Quran, I want you to pay attention, and myself to remind myself, what is his reaction when his sons tell him, Bin Yamin is also gone, he's not coming back either. Allah says:

He turns his back away from them, meaning he turns away from his sons. "Ya asafa ala Yusuf" - Oh Yusuf, what a horrible tragedy has fallen upon Yusuf.

Wait, it wasn't Yusuf that was taken away, it was Bin Yamin that was taken away. Yusuf was taken away many many years ago. But you know they say in Arabic: (الأسى يبعث الأسى) - One tragedy sparks the memory of a previous tragedy.

The Reality of Grief: It Doesn't Simply Go Away

He's reliving the crisis of Yusuf in his heart. And this is many many many years later, which tells you he's not over it. Before we go any further, we have to understand what we do to each other. Somebody has a crisis in their home. Somebody has a tragedy, maybe a loss of a child, a loss of a parent, or the diagnosis of a disease. Some tragedy took place.

And when we go to a janazah, and we tell these people, you shouldn't be crying, you should be patient, have sabr, have sabr, have sabr. We assume that not crying is the same as sabr, or not complaining is the same as sabr. Yusuf's loss has been many many years, and he hasn't forgotten, it still lives inside of him.

It's not, "just get over it. It's okay, just be grateful to Allah and get over it." No, it doesn't work that way. Not even for a prophet, not even for a model of sabr jameel. This is Allah's sensitivity to the hearts of those who have been hurt, those who suffer pain, those who have loss of loved ones.

The Physical Manifestation of Grief

And so He says, first of all: (يَا أَسَفَى عَلَى يُوسُفَ) - Meaning, he cries out over his loss of Yusuf. He's remembering that all over again. And then Allah says, that's not enough. Not only did he speak out his complaint, and cry out his complaint, Allah says:

His eyes turned white. What that means according to some is he cried so much you couldn't see the pupils of his eyes. Others say he cried so much that he became blind, which seems to be the case given the context, because later on: (فَارْتَدَّ بَصِيرًا) (Quran 12:96) - He became someone who could see again. So he cried so much, as a result right now, that he lost his eyesight.

(وَابْيَضَّتْ عَيْنَاهُ) - And so now two things have happened. One, he's cried out, meaning he's screamed, he's even verbalized his pain. He didn't keep it inside of him. And second of all, he's crying his eyes out to the point where he's blind. It's not just some normal event. But I want you to remember again, he's not crying over Binyamin first. In his mind it's Yusuf all over again: (يَا أَسَفَىٰ عَلَىٰ يُوسُفَ)

The Reason for His Breakdown

And then after all of this, Allah actually gives us the reason why he had such a breakdown. Why did he fall apart like this? All this time he was okay with what happened with Yusuf, and all of a sudden, what's wrong with you? Allah says:

This is why we pay attention to every letter and every word in the Quran. The ayah is not (وَهُوَ كَظِيمٌ) - That would have been جملة اسمية. But this is (فَهُوَ كَظِيمٌ) - What's called الفاء السببية. What that means is, and all of that happened because, because of what? Because of the fact that he was swallowing this pain all

along. He had been keeping that pain inside of him all this time. And now this one little thing happened, this one more event happened, the loss of his youngest son again, and he couldn't take it in anymore.

Understanding Hidden Pain

What we're learning now is there are people of great patience, just because you can see them smiling, or just because you don't see them crying, doesn't mean they're not carrying a lot of pain inside of them. They may have been carrying it for a very, very, very long time. And finally, eventually they erupt, finally they can't take it anymore, she can't take it anymore, and she erupts.

And you say, "what happened to her all of a sudden? Why did you go crazy like that? You were perfectly fine last time, last week, last month, couple of years you didn't say anything, and all of a sudden you're going psycho? What happened to you?" This is actually what we do, because we don't realize somebody may be carrying pain inside of them, even if they're not letting it outside. This is Allah telling us that this has been an ongoing thing with him. (فَهُوَ كَظِيمٌ) - It's not even كاظم,it's ظِيمٌit's in صفة مشبهة.

To illustrate, this is a long standing problem inside the heart of Ya'qub (peace be upon him).

The Unsupportive Family

But then we learn the flip side of this equation. On the one hand you have this man who's dealt with so much deep and profound sadness, and on the other hand what he has is an unsupportive family. His sons are not very sensitive to him, not very respectful to him, and not very caring.

In a lot of families, just because somebody does their physical responsibilities - look, I clean the place, or I provide, I pay the paycheck, I support financially, or I do my chores - that's your contribution to the household, that's it, don't ask me anything else. This is kind of the case with his sons, his sons are in fact providing for the household, they're the ones who went out to get the food, didn't they? They're the ones that are taking care of many responsibilities in the house. Earlier on in the surah we even learn: (نَحْنُ عُصْبَةٌ) (Quran 12:8) - They're a powerful bunch.

The Problem of Insensitivity to Family

So they are supporting the household in many physical ways. But that doesn't mean that you're a good member of the family or a supportive member of the family. When a member of the family is in pain, it's very common to dismiss or to find sympathy for someone you don't know.

If somebody you don't know is crying, if somebody you don't know is sad, if somebody you don't know is complaining, you're like, "oh my heart goes out to those kids, my heart goes out to those elders, look at those pictures." But if your own brother was crying, if your own family member was crying, "get over it man. Come on, I know this is drama. Just move on." In other words, it's very easy for us to become

insensitive to our own. To not look at the feelings and the sentiments of our own. To just completely gloss over them.

The Sons' Harsh Response

And that's what they do even with their father. Their father is crying at this point, and what do they say? First of all:

(تَاللَّهِ) - Which is not translated, "we swear to God." (تَاللَّهِ) is used for تعجب actually. You know, even if you know a little bit of Arabic, normally the Arab says: (وَاللَّهِ). But here the ayah says: (تَاللَّهِ). (تَاللَّهِ) means, "I swear to God." Like they start yelling at him.

(تَفْتَأْ تَذْكُرُ يُوسُفَ) - "Are you gonna keep mentioning Yusuf? Could you cut it out already? We're not talking about Yusuf right now. We're talking about Binyamin. Seriously, Yusuf again?" And (تَفْتَأْ) is also, it's not mentioned: (لا يُتَكَلَّمْ بِهِ إِلا مَعَ الغَضب) - It's never used except when you're making an argument. When you're arguing and becoming upset with someone, that's when the word (تَفْتًا) is used. "Are you still gonna talk about Yusuf?"

And on top of all of that, the use of تعجب in this ayah, the first of all (تَاللَّهِ) is used, which is strange. (تَفْتَاً) by itself is a rare word to use. Then it's commonly used as (ما تَفْتَأْ) but the ما isn't used, which suggests their anger, and their shock, and their loudness, more than usual against their father.

The Cruel Words of the Sons

(تَفْتَأْ تَذْكُرُ يُوسُفَ حَتَّىٰ تَكُونَ حَرَضًا) - "Are you gonna keep talking about Yusuf? Get over it already." Look at this. Has he been talking about Yusuf? No. He was holding it inside. Quran tells us he was swallowing it all in. It's this after a long time, he couldn't take it anymore. And he cried out, "Yusuf," but these young men are so impatient, and so not willing to hear the cries of their father, they snap at him. "Get over it already old man. Why are you bringing it up again?"

And when they say this to him, they say: (حَتَّى تَكُونَ حَرَضًا). (حَرَض) in Arabic is actually : (المُحْرَضُ الحَالِكُ مَرَضا) wasted out of disease. (الذي لا حَيٌّ فَيُرْجَى وَلَا مَيِّتٌ فَيُؤْيَسٌ مِنْهُ) - In other words, someone not quite alive, that you're hoping they get better, not quite dead, that you can give them a funeral. Meaning someone who's paralyzed. فاسد they also say, someone who's got no good in their body left. "Are you gonna kill yourself? Are you gonna paralyze yourself? Crying over him? You've already lost your eyes. You're gonna completely become disabled. Get over this already. Move on with your life."

These are the kinds of things they're saying to him. And they say, you know what? Best case scenario, you become paralyzed. Worst case: (أَوْ تَكُونَ مِنَ الْهَالِكِينَ) - "Or you'll just die. You'll become of those who die. Is

that what you want?" And now they're thinking they're helping their father. This must be tough love. Like they're gonna talk to their dad and yell at him and he'll snap out of it.

The Most Misunderstood Verse About Complaining

But now we learn what I feel after studying this ayah, one of the most misused, and I would even argue abused ayat of the Quran in the name of our deen. When it comes to people's feelings and sentiments.

When you have, you're entitled to feel sad. If there's something bad that happened to you many years ago, many months ago, ages ago, and you keep remembering it and it overwhelms you. You're not wrong. You should seek help for it. But it's not wrong that it hurts you still. Ya'qub (peace be upon him) is entitled to his grief. He's entitled to cry out.

But when they complain to him like this, and they yell at him like this, what does it mean? Sometimes people are in these tragic situations, but the loved ones around them, or the family around them is not very sensitive. They don't wanna hear it. They have no one to talk to. We're actually now kind of learning, why has he been holding it in all these years? Because he had nobody to talk to. One time he opens his mouth and they snap. They don't give him a chance to speak.

Ya'qub's Response: Complaining Only to Allah

So what does he say? He says:

"I am only complaining about the things that I'm letting out of my heart." بَثّ means to spread. Like: وَبَثَّ فِيهَا مِن كُلِّ دَابَّةٍ )Quran 2:164) - Allah says, when He spread on the land all kinds of creatures. بَتْ استفراغ أصلاً - It's to spread something out. But it's used in conversation to describe something you're holding in your heart and now you're spreading it out. You're letting it go.

So he says, "I'm only complaining about what I've been containing inside and I'm finally letting it out. And even when I do let it out, and all of the sadness that I've been kept pent up inside, all of that which I've kept inside, I'm only complaining to Allah, not to you, not to anybody else."

The Context Makes All the Difference

قَالَ إِنَّمَا أَشْكُو بَثِّي وَحُزْنِي إِلَى اللَّهِ - This is what I wanted to share with you is one of the most commonly misunderstood ayat in the Quran. It's not taken in its context. When somebody says, "I'm having this problem or that problem," people say, "my brother, complain to Allah, don't talk to me. Because Allah says: قَالَ إِنَّمَا أَشْكُو بَثِّي وَحُزْنِي إِلَى اللَّهِ - Ya'qub (peace be upon him) said, I only complain to Allah, I don't talk about my problems to anybody else."

What is the context of these ayat? In these ayat, he doesn't talk to his family because his family is not what? Supportive. He doesn't have anybody to talk to. He doesn't have anybody to share his grief with. That is when he turns to his family.

The Sunnah of Seeking Counsel

Even Rasulullah (peace and blessings be upon him), when he had a problem in his married life, he sought outside counsel. He sought help from the outside. This is a sunnah of Rasulullah (peace and blessings be upon him). You would say he should only complain to Allah. You have places in the Quran, like for example, a woman comes to the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), and says, "my husband is divorcing me, and he's saying, I'm like his mother now."

And she complains to him, and Allah records her complaint:

But before she did ishtikaá to Allah, it's: تُجَادِلُكَ فِي زَوْجِهَا - "She argues, she's debating with you about her husband." And then she complains to Allah. So she had somebody to go to first, and she expressed herself. And of course then she took her matter to Allah.

The Harm of Misusing This Verse

So it's oppressive to tell someone, "don't seek help for your problem, you don't need to talk to anybody, just talk to Allah, and that should be good enough for you." That is not good advice. That is the situation of some people who have no support around them. When you have absolutely no support around you, then of course you still only have Allah. That's his circumstance.

You have, later on, you're going to find that he's going to find so much comfort in his son. Bin Yamin also finds comfort in his brother.

Ya'qub's Message to His Sons: Never Lose Hope

So here, finally ends:

I just wanna recap just a couple of quick things before I conclude this. One thing I wanna highlight is, it's completely okay to cry. And this is... Crying is not the same as not having sabr. Ya'qub (peace be upon him) is a man of sabr jameel. And he cries so much his eyes turn white. Complaining is not the antithesis of sabr. It's not if you complain - you cried out and you're sad over something, and you mentioned it even though it happened years ago. That doesn't mean you don't have patience. Those are two separate things.

Ya'qub (peace be upon him) is a man of sabr jameel. And he's at the same time a man of "Ya asafa ala Yusuf. Oh my Yusuf. What has happened to Yusuf so many years later?" That doesn't mean the man doesn't have sabr.

Being Sensitive to Family Members in Pain

So we shouldn't be insensitive to those who are suffering, especially in our families, those who are complaining in our families, and say, "you need to have sabr. You shouldn't be crying. You shouldn't be complaining. You shouldn't be bringing up what happened years ago. Get over it already." We shouldn't use these kinds of words.

We should have sensitivity to those who are in pain. We cannot feel what somebody else feels. You cannot feel what your son feels, what your daughter feels, what your spouse feels, what your parents feel. You cannot feel for them. They're entitled to their emotions. It's easy to dismiss them because we see them all the time, and we don't see what the big deal is.

You will never be able to see. I will never be able to see inside somebody else's heart. Their pain is between them and Allah. They are just as entitled to that as any other human being.

Hope Despite Sadness

And so as I conclude this, I come back to the one that is in fact suffering from sadness. The one who has been grieving, like Ya'qub (peace be upon him) for Yusuf. What does he tell his sons? He says:

Look, his sons just yelled at him. You remember? It's not too long ago, they just yelled at him. And then he turns to the same sons, and says, "my sons, go, go, go." He's kind to them again. "Go and go look for Yusuf. Go look for him."

My goodness, go look for Yusuf. They just yelled at you, telling you you're crazy, because you're still remembering Yusuf. He's dead, get over it. And he is so optimistic, even though he cries, his eyes have lost sight, he's crying over the name of Yusuf, he still believes in his heart that Allah will... I will not lose hope, Yusuf will be okay. And I'm pretty optimistic you'll still find him.

Sadness is not the same as losing hope. They're not one and the same. He can cry, he can complain, but he will still hope that Yusuf (peace be upon him) is alive. And so he says: فَتَحَسَّسُوا مِن يُوسُفَ وَأَخِيهِ - "Go find Yusuf and his brother," in that order, subhanAllah.

The Connection Between Hope and Faith

And then he tells them something. It's amazing that this comes out of his mouth. He says:

"And don't you lose hope in the relief of Allah. Don't lose hope that Allah will bring relief to you. Because people who lose hope in Allah bringing relief are none but the disbelievers. Only disbelievers and ungrateful people lose hope in Allah's mercy."

Sadness and losing hope are not the same. Very easily when someone is sad, shaitan comes to them and says, "there's no hope for you. Your life is over. Look at what's happened. This tragedy is the end of it. There's no light at the end of this tunnel." It's easy to drown somebody in that pessimism.

But a believer on the one hand, Allah gives him or her the license to express their emotions, to be able to feel the sadness and shed the tears. And on the other hand, Allah does not let them fall into hopelessness. On the other hand, once you shed those tears, you come back to Allah and you expect from Allah that He will see you through your problem. No matter how impossible it seems.

Maintaining Hope Against All Odds

How possible is it that a child that was thrown in the woods is gonna be recovered 20 years later? That doesn't seem reasonable. You're just holding on to blind hope. You're not being logical. That's why they're yelling at their dad. But he has hope with Allah. He doesn't let that go. So we also have to have hope in Allah.

Giving somebody hope is not the same as telling them not to be sad anymore. They're entitled to that. But at the same time, to your family members, to loved ones, and to yourselves, we have to have people that carry hope. That Allah will see us through our problems and things will become better. And if we don't do that, then to Allah, this is the same as, what's the difference between you and a disbeliever then?

The Emotional Relationship with Allah

Imagine. We think of iman as someone, having iman is somebody who believes in Allah, prays to Allah, accepts only one God, and disbeliever who denies Allah. These ayat are about an emotional relationship with Allah. Emotionally, we are absolutely convinced that we have to put our hopes in Him, and He will see our hopes through. We have to be optimistic about Allah.

And those who are not optimistic about Allah are as good as disbelievers. What's the point of your faith if you're not optimistic about Allah? If you don't expect good to come from Allah? Not only in the next life, but also in this life. Some people, shaitan comes to them and says, "yeah, well this life is gonna be terrible anyway. I hope Jannah is better." That's the attitude they develop. This is also ya'is. This is also hopelessness.

Ya'qub (peace be upon him) is not saying, "well, I guess I'll see Yusuf in Jannah. It's okay." No, he's saying, "go look for Yusuf. Not in the akhirah. Go look for him right now. Go in Egypt and go look for him." That's

what he's doing.

Conclusion: Balancing Sensitivity and Hope

So we have to have optimism for how Allah will see us through in this life, and in the next. And that's part of our relationship with Allah. And if we don't have that, then there's not much difference left in our hearts and of those who have no faith.

May Allah make us of those that are sensitive to other people's pain. May Allah make us truly people of sabr and people of hope in Allah.

Quran( 2:45:103(