Love Struck
By Nouman Ali Khan | 2026-01-09T17:11:09.787229+00:00 | Topic: Love
Love Struck II: Nouman Ali Khan
Introduction
Alhamdulillahi rabbil alameen. Brother Nouman Ali Khan arrived safely, so I'll just give a brief introduction and inshallah he can just give a little introduction of himself inshallah and we'll resume after Asr where he'll speak inshallah. So, Brother Nouman Ali Khan is the founder and CEO of Bayyinah as well as the lead instructor for a number of Bayyinah courses including the fundamentals of classical Arabic and divine speech. He's well-known throughout America for speaking at conferences, masjids, and other events.
Please help me welcome Brother Nouman Ali Khan. Alhamdulillah, he has us on a Wikipedia page. Yeah, it's just pretty long.
It is really long. I believe the initial salat is like 10 minutes. So, I'll just speak to you guys for 5 minutes and you can pray as normal.
No, we'll come back after Asr, inshallah ta'ala. I'll share some things with you. What I'll try to do is though, I'll try to start my talk right after the Asr prayer so that we can get going immediately.
Opening Remarks and Assignment
I apologize for being late first of all and I also apologize that I'm going to start immediately after Asr prayer because I have obligations at home and I have to run back. And since this talk is about harmony in the home, I better get back home quickly, inshallah ta'ala. But I'd like to start things off by giving everybody here a homework assignment.
A little bit of something you should look up while you're going and making... or before you get to make salat. And don't look it up on your mobile device. Actually, open up a copy of the Qur'an and look for this, okay? Don't search it online or anything.
There's an ayah in Surah Ar-Rum. I don't know what Surah number Surah Ar-Rum is. Look it up yourself.
There's an ayah in Surah Ar-Rum that will be the center of my talk about peace, love and harmony in a marriage. Okay, so there's an ayah in Surah Ar-Rum that has to do with what? Peace, love and harmony in marriage. So I'd like to see if you can find the ayah for me, inshallah ta'ala.
And we'll have a little conversation about that. I'll probably divide my conversation into two halves. The first half will be about that ayah and some lessons from that beautiful ayah that Allah revealed in Surah Ar-Rum.
Structure of the Talk
And the second half of my conversation is just taking practical lessons from the Qur'an and from the Sunnah of the Prophet (peace be upon him), just some practical lessons in bringing about harmony and peace in the household. And I won't... I'll try not to speak in general terms. I'll try to speak in very specific terms.
As though I'm just having a conversation with a young brother or a young couple just like sitting at home and talking. I don't want to think of this as a speech because really the solutions we need in our homes aren't going to come from speeches. They're going to come from very casual and frank conversations.
That's what you need, you know, when people need a counselor, they need to talk to somebody. They don't need to hear a speech on a podium. They need to hear somebody give them very real, very relevant advice.
So I'll try to do that, inshallah ta'ala, in the second half of my talk. And that will be the session. I think there's enough of us to warrant enough time to make wudu and get ready for the salah.
So we'll stop now and reconvene right after the Asr prayer.
The Central Ayah from Surah Ar-Rum
One of the things that's very fascinating about the Quran is its use of words that create pictures in the mind. There's a lot of imagery in the Quran.
The Creation from Dust
In Surah Ar-Rum, Allah Azza wa Jal says:
"And among His signs is that He created you from dust; then - suddenly you were human beings, dispersing [throughout the earth]."
Now if I want you to picture dirt. If you see a lot of dirt and you step on it or you use it in any way, what immediately happens to dirt? It rises and it spreads.
It doesn't sit still, it spreads out. Now listen. Allah says, He created you out of dirt, dust.
And all of a sudden you turned into mortal beings, flesh and bones. And you spread out. (تنتشرون) You spread out.
Just like what spreads? Dirt spreads. Everywhere. Just like that with the dust, now that we're created from dirt spread everywhere.
And spreading everywhere means we go apart from each other. When things are together, that's one thing. When they get apart, that's when they spread.
So this imagery is that of people going apart from one another, getting further and further away from each other.
The Creation of Spouses
In the very next ayah, Allah Azza wa Jal says:
"And among His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates"
He says among His miraculous signs additionally, is that He created for you from your own selves, (أَزْوَاجًا) spouses. When you think of a spouse, and even though inshallah, I'll explain some things about the language of the word.
When you think of a spouse, you think of two people coming together or apart? Two people coming together. In the previous ayah, all humanity goes apart. In the very next ayah, Allah brings them back together.
SubhanAllah. And this is part of Allah's creation. He likes to create things that spread apart, and then He puts them together again.
The Concept of Zawj (زَوّْج)
And so, you know, our bodies are gonna come apart when we die, when we go into this earth. And what will Allah do again? When He raises us, He'll put us back together again. Humanity was created, we spread out, we separate from one another, and then Allah puts them together again.
When Adam (peace be upon him) was sent down to the earth, he was not together with his wife, they were apart and they had to find each other, and they were together again. Right? So this idea of coming together is inside the word tazwij (زواج)
Now let's talk about the word (زواج), which gets translated usually, He created for you spouses. Really though, in my mind, the best way to understand the word (زواج) in Arabic, is to understand He created for you the other half, your other halves. (زوج) is used in Arabic when something is a part of two. And (زوج) is not complete by itself.
You can't think of something that's a (زوج) that's complete by itself. It's only complete if it's with the other. For example, Allah created lots of things (أزواجا)
"And of all things We created two mates"
And all kinds of things, out of all kinds of things, He created doubles, pairs. Think of night and day.
Together they make a day actually, to make an entire entity. Night by itself isn't complete, day by itself isn't complete. It's together that they complete each other.
Examples of Pairs in Creation
Allah created the sun and the moon. For our worship even, we depend on both. If you want to know what's the right time for salah, what do we look at? We look at the sun.
If you want to know what right month of worship is supposed to be starting, when are we supposed to start fasting? When is Eid coming? What do we look at? The moon. Allah paired these two things together. Allah paired other things together all over, meaning that you can't separate them.
Like knowledge and action, you can't separate those two. Like the Quran and the Sunnah, you can't separate those two. Like taking care of this life, and taking care of the next life, you can't separate those two.
Marriage as Completion
Just like that Allah says, Allah created you, for you, pairs, your other halves. In other words, once you get married, you can't think of yourself as one person anymore. You have to think of yourself as half a person.
Literally, you have to think of yourself as half a person, and that's not a problem. Allah says, He didn't do this as a crime against you, or as a punishment to you, as many of you think of marriage. But as a favor to you, that He turned you into a half, now you think of the other half, and only when you realize the other half, now you're complete.
The Natural Need for Covering
The human being is unlike other animals. Other animals are perfectly capable, perfectly comfortable, not wearing any clothes. They're totally comfortable.
Monkeys, elephants, birds, they don't need to put sweaters on. They don't feel embarrassed. Human beings, we were not taught to feel embarrassed.
We learned in the story of Adam (peace be upon him). In the story of Adam (peace be upon him), when Allah took their clothes, immediately they felt embarrassed. Did Allah teach them to feel embarrassed, that they have this class on haya and you know, protecting yourself, and covering yourself? None of that.
This is Jannah, they just got created. And this is the first act of disobedience to Allah, and as a result, their clothes are taken away in Surah Al-A'raf, and they're trying to cover themselves immediately. Allah didn't tell them to cover themselves, they wanted to do that themselves.
Spouses as Clothing
You know what I'm trying to get at? We are inseparable from our clothes. People don't think of you, except they think of you with your clothes. Allah made it like that.
And then interestingly, when Allah talks about our spouse, He calls them:
"They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them."
Just like we're never separated from our clothes. We're together. That's part of who we are. That's part of who we are. It just becomes a part of us. An aspect of our personality. So we are inseparable from each other when we're married.
Personal Reflection on the Topic
I was kind of weirded out when I saw this topic. First of all, let me complain a little before I go on. Number one, because you know, I'm a colleague with Abdul Nasir, and since he complains about everything, might as well take up this subject, and do a little complaint. Okay, so, number one, I agreed to do a lecture for Allah.
Next thing I see, a cheesy heart flyer with IOA youth, and I'm going to get you guys for that one. I did not sign up for that flyer. And second of all, I didn't know the topic would come about an hour ago.
Okay, so those two complaints. But anyway, regardless, we're going to get back to the topic.
Marriage as a Sign of Allah
That is, Allah, Azza wa Jal created us, and we have to think of ourselves as one part of another half. One part of another half. Now, if we have that attitude, Allah says:
"And among His signs"
The ayat in the Arabic language is something that should remind you of Allah. It's also something that's a gift of Allah to you, so you should be grateful for the ayat of Allah, like we're grateful for the ayat of the Qur'an, the miraculous signs and revelations of the Qur'an.
All the things that Allah created around us, are the ayat of something we should be grateful for. So here is something we should be grateful for, that Allah made us creatures that look to get married and thus complete our other half. That is something we should be grateful to Allah for.
Honoring the Gift of Marriage
When you are grateful to Allah for a favor, you don't abuse that favor. If somebody gives you food, if your parents provide you food, if your employer provides you a paycheck, you get a gift, you get some
Finding Peace in Marriage
The second thing. Allah, Azza wa Jal, says:
"[And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them]"
The lam is called lam al-ta'leel, lam al-ghayyah. I did this for you, and then Allah answers the question, why did I do this for you? If somebody is wondering, why would I want to be with another? Why would I want to be with somebody else? I'm perfectly fine by myself, Allah gives the reason in the same ayah, and He says, this is a favor to you, I made your second half. He says لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا
Some of you read Qur'an, probably all of you. What's a sukoon? What's a sukoon? Give me an English word, what's a sukoon? When you stop. When you stop. Sukoon in Arabic, it's sukoon.
The Concept of Sukoon (Peace)
You're moving around, and finally you stop. Now, I told you the Arabic language is full of imagery, and the Qur'an also is full of imagery. Movement in the language is associated with disturbance.
When something is moving, it is not at rest, meaning it's not at peace. That's also true in the English language. When an object stops moving, we call it an object at rest. The idea is that it's at peace.
Well, Allah says, I gave you a spouse, because you're going to move around in the day, you're going to do all kinds of things, you're going to be thinking about all kinds of things, your mind will not be at rest, your heart will not be at rest, your body will not be at rest. But when you come home to your spouse, finally everything can stop, and you can relax.
So that you can find peace, and tranquility, and calm in them. The إِلَيْهَا is interesting because it refers to both men and women, for the spouses. In other words, the wife will find her peace in her husband, and the husband will find his peace in his wife.
Self-Reflection on Marriage
Don't say, yeah, right, just yet. That is the purpose of marriage. According to Allah, I gave you this gift, and when you look at a gift, you don't know what does it do. Let me unpackage it, what does it do for you? Allah says, when you unpackage this gift, here's what it does, it gives you peace. You will find peace in your spouse, and they will find peace in you.
Now you have to ask yourself, and I have to ask myself, a really hard question. Those of us that are married, is the gift that Allah gave you and me of marriage, when we unpackage this gift, is it giving us what? Is it giving us peace? Is it calming us down? Is it a source of our tranquility?
Everything else, problem, problem, problem, problem, what is the solution? The wife. Everything is going wrong, the only thing going right, is the wife. Actually for a lot of you, everything is going right, except the wife.
Right? For a lot of sisters, they have no complaints in life, except everything that has to do with their husband. I love him, except everything about him is annoying. Right? That's what it becomes for a lot of people.
Love and Mercy in Marriage
لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا Now how do you get to that point? How do you find peace in that? Allah says:
"[And He placed between you affection and mercy.]"
Additionally, in order to help you find peace in your spouse, Allah Himself put between you, جَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم put between you مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً An extreme form of love.
The Arabic word is wadd, and مَوَدَّة means love. A form of love. Allah says, مَّوَدَّة An extreme amount of love. An unusual kind of love. That's what Allah put between husband and wife.
The Initial Intense Love
You mostly experience that in the first couple of months of marriage. An unusual, it's like nothing you've ever felt before. You didn't know that you could be obsessed with another person that much. You didn't know. You've never felt this way ever before in your life.
Does that feeling last? A crazy feeling? That you can't stop thinking about your spouse, and appreciating them, and saying, يا الله Thanks. You know. That feeling doesn't last. But it starts off that way. That incredible amount of love.
The Battery Analogy
That incredible amount of love in the beginning of marriage, is supposed to be like a really strong charge. You know when you charge your batteries for your phone really, really well? And they're supposed to last longer, right? They're supposed to last longer. But to last longer, what do you have to do with your phone? If you charge it, then you unplug it, you can't keep it on the highest brightness, you can't keep 3G on, you can't keep going on YouTube, you have to do what?
Conserve. Show some mercy to your phone. Take it easy. Don't overdo it. Because you gotta make it what? Last.
Allah says ورحمة I'm not saying your husband's a phone. Right? Or your wife is. But what I am saying is, there's some similarity. Right? There's some similarity. You are going to be, you're going to need to be extremely courteous. You have extreme love, followed by courtesy.
Psychological Realities of Marriage
And from a psychological point of view, this is what I wanted to share with you about this ayah. Just this part of the ayah, not even the whole ayah. What I wanted to share with you is some psychological realities.
The Problem of Selfishness
First of all, most people that get married don't see themselves as part of a half. Part of a, half of a pair. They don't see themselves. They still may see themselves as a person who has their own life, their own priorities, their own love, their own hate, their own hobbies, their own habits. And here's another person with their own life, and I'm going to try to get from them everything I want for myself.
And they're always trying to get from me what they want for themselves. There's two selfish people come together and it really becomes selfish. They didn't really come together as two halves. There are going to be two wholes. There are two, and that leaves a hole in the middle, either way. Right? That leaves a gap in between the marriage.
The Reality of Sacrifice
Mentally, you're not thinking of yourself as someone who's going to give themselves, half of themselves over somebody else. Literally, if you only have half, the other half is somebody else's, right? That's what married life is. You've got to give up half the stuff you want to do.
And you have to replace them with what she wants to do. And she has to give up half the stuff she wants to do. And she has to give it up for what he wants to do. He gives up half, she gives up half. That's how it works. That's the deal. That's marriage. That's the very first point I wanted to make.
Self-Examination for Peace
The second point I wanted to make is, if Allah's gift, the purpose of Allah's gift is to find peace between husband and wife, then you and I have to ask ourselves, why do I get into an argument with my wife? Why do I get mad at my husband? Why does it happen?
I have to take a really deep look inside myself, and before I say, well, I get mad at him because obviously, he's the source of all evil. I get mad at her because she's created from a bent rib. It's obvious. It's common sense. She just doesn't understand. He just doesn't understand.
If you want to understand where the unrest is coming from, if the anger is coming from you, the source is also you. If the anger comes from inside of you, the source of it is also inside of you. You know, every container only gives what it has inside. And we really have to ask ourselves, are we doing our part to ensure peace in the household?
It's a hard question to ask. We should really, really have to make an effort to do an introspection. What am I doing that I shouldn't? Maybe there's a better way of doing it. What am I saying? Maybe there's a better way of saying it?
There is mercy towards your spouse. You know, we show courtesy to everybody else, but we're not willing to give mercy to our spouses.
Practical Advice for Marriage
Now I'm going to switch gears, talk about some practical realities in marriage.
1. Trust and Benefit of the Doubt
One of the hardest people to give benefit of the doubt to is your husband or your wife. Hardest people to get benefit of the doubt. When they say something, you first think, What did you mean by that? What do you mean? Is that what you're saying? And he says, No, that's not what I'm saying. I know that's what you're saying. I know what you think.
There's no trust. You can't have peace if you don't have trust.
The Importance of Salam
When somebody says to you, (السَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُم - As-salamu alaykum). This is something mandatory on us, isn't it? What is (السَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُم - As-salamu alaykum) Peace. You came into the house, and you declare (السَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُم - As-salamu alaykum). There are no fights between us.
We are totally okay with each other. Whatever arguments that happened before are dead and buried, and I'll never bring them up again. Because I just said (السَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُم - As-salamu alaykum). The wife said (السَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُم - As-salamu alaykum). I agree. All those fights are gone.
We now have promised each other peace. You just made a peace agreement the moment you entered the house when you said (السَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُم - As-salamu alaykum). Now listen to yourself.
(وَعَلَيْكُمُ السَّلَام - Wa alaykumu as-salam). I'm at peace with you. Does that sound like a peace agreement to you? Our religion teaches us to do this salam all the time so we can move on. That we don't remember the past. The first thing was trust. Trust.
Examples of Trust Issues
You can't always assume that they mean something bad. You can't say, Shaitan will come and say, You know what he meant by that? He said, You know, your husband comes home and tells his wife, Hey, wow! The food smells really good.
Oh, what do you mean? It's bad, isn't it? Oh, I hate it. You're always commenting on my cooking. It just goes crazy. All I said was, It smells nice.
He always complains about my cooking. And all the time I say something nice, actually, what he's saying is, it stinks. And he wants to go to his mother's house and eat instead. And he hates my cooking. And he's already told a bunch of his friends that I am useless at cooking. And she'll explode. And when she explodes, he turns around and says, I don't get it. I knew it. Right? There's no trust. That was the first thing. There's no trust.
2. Courtesy and Consideration
Here's the second thing that we overlook all the time. Constantly. The second thing is you have to have courtesy. You have to have courtesy towards other people's feelings. Look, everybody's had a long day. Your husband's had a long day at work.
And you've had a long day maybe at home or at school or taking care of the kids or whatever it is that you do. You've had a long... Both of you've had a long day. Don't try to prove to each other, I had a really long day, okay? Don't do that.
You don't have to prove it to each other. You don't. If you don't have the common courtesy to know the other has had a hard day and actually to assume the other probably even had a harder day. They even had a harder day. You're not going to be able to show courtesy.
Competition of Hard Days
She's going to think you were sitting at the office swatting flies and she had a really hard day that day. And you're going to come over and she's going to say, do this, this, this and this. I just came from work. Yeah, but I had a hard day.
And the other way around, he's going to come over and he's going to start bossing you around. What's going on? I had a long day. Yeah, you know what? I had a long day.
It's like a competition. There's no courtesy. There's no appreciation. The other had a tough day also. We live in a tough time. Everybody has a tough time.
Managing Stress and Tantrums
We get stressed out. And the easy people to let that stress out on is the other spouse. We have to be the most courteous to our spouses. We have to save and store our energy for our spouses. We have to put up with their tantrums sometimes.
We're human beings. We're never going to be angels. We're not. Which means we're going to get upset. We're going to be upset. We're going to be frustrated. We're going to have a long day and let the frustration out on the husband or on the wife.
It's going to happen. You don't mean for it to happen, but it will happen. And when it does happen, the other has to understand, look, I do that sometimes too. I've got to chill out this time. I don't have to respond to everything with a comeback.
Sometimes it's better to just say, just leave it. Drop it. That's what husbands have to learn to do. That's what wives have to learn to do.
The Power of Good Deeds During Arguments
And by the way, the best thing you can ever do in the face of an aggressive husband or an aggressive wife is a good deed. The best thing you can do.
She's yelling, you start doing the dishes? She's like, what are you doing? I'm just doing the dishes. I thought you'd like me to do the dishes. I don't want you to do the dishes. I want to do them myself. She's like, I don't want to do them myself. But I'd really like to do them for you today.
She'll be confused for a while. But in her confusion, she'll stop yelling. And that's a good thing.
He's yelling at you. He's getting upset with you. Do something out of the ordinary. Make his favorite dish. Make tea. I don't know, just try it.
Take one bite, and take another one. Now I know why I'm married to you. The idea is to disarm and diffuse the other with a good deed. With a good deed. With something nice towards the other. Good deeds are sunnah.
Following the Prophet's Example
I didn't come up with this stuff. The Prophet (peace be upon him), used to do this stuff himself. He used to do this stuff himself.
You know the worst expression of the Prophet's anger? When he was really, really angry at his wife. You know what he would do, guys? He'd be quiet. He'd be silent.
The mothers of the believers would know something is really wrong. He's not talking today. He wouldn't yell. He wouldn't scream. He wouldn't scold. Nothing.
His expression of being totally and absolutely upset was, he was quiet. He was quiet. That's what we have to do.
If you're really, really upset and you can't handle it, just be quiet. If you can't even handle it then, go make wudu and pray two rakaat and come back. It'll calm you down. You know? But don't let it out on your spouse. Don't let it out on your spouse.
Additional Practical Points
I don't... This is a short talk. I can't give you like, too much stuff about marriage. A couple of things. There was trust. There was courtesy.
3. Respect for Each Other's Family
Here's a third thing that's very common. Show respect. Respect. For each other's family. You have to respect each other's family.
A lot of marital problems are there because, not because the husband and wife don't get along, but because the husband doesn't like something about his brother-in-law, sister-in-law, mother-in-law, father-in-law, this-in-law, that-in-law, and the wife doesn't like something about his brother, his uncle, and they're always fighting about their extended families.
In other words, the conflict is not about each other. The conflict is all about each other's families. You don't have to love them. That's hard enough. It's hard enough to love your husband. So you don't have to love your extended family on your in-laws' side.
But you absolutely must what? You must respect them. You shouldn't talk trash about them. You shouldn't vent about them. You shouldn't just throw it in every time you get a chance. You know, your own family is like that. What's hard to say? Don't slip those things in.
Don't slip it in. Don't make those kinds of snickering comments about the other family. Show respect. She has a lot of love for her father, her brother, her mother, just like you do. You don't want to hear things about your family. She doesn't want to hear things about her family.
Avoiding Sarcasm
And that itself is a show of love for your spouse, that you don't say anything hurtful about their family. You don't even say anything. And a lot of us, we get really smart with our spouses, right? So we don't say things directly.
We say things through sarcasm. How's your brother doing? Why did you say it like that? I'm just asking, how's he doing? I want to know. No, you don't want to know.
That smirk at the end says it all. Right? If you don't really want to know how he's doing, don't ask. It's much better. It's much better. Show courtesy to each other's family. Show respect to each other's family.
4. Allowing Time with Family
And part of that, and this is the last thing I want to share with you, about marriages, especially in our community, allow your wife to spend time with her family, and allow your husband to spend time with his family, without getting angry at them for doing so.
You're always over there. You're always talking to her, your sister. You're always doing this, you're always... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Give them that time. Give them that time.
And most of the time, your wife wants to talk to her family all the time, mostly because you don't have time to talk to her. That's mostly the reason. Not because she wants to have more time with them, and wants you to spend less time with her.
It's not a competition. She's married to you. You won. The competition's over. Contracts were signed. It's done.
So you shouldn't think of your in-laws as competitors for your spouse. You shouldn't think of your mother-in-law as someone who's constantly telling my wife to hate me. So I hate it when she goes and talks to my mother-in-law.
Don't do that. It's her mother. I know you think that she's the darkest cloud you've ever seen. I know you think that. But regardless, she's her mother. She says, leave her be with her mother.
And her mother might say nasty things about you. You know why? Because she thinks you're stealing her daughter from her. So you're both exactly the same in some ways.
And your wife knows that. And she says, you're just like my mother, and you really explode. What did you say about my mother? Husbands, stay quiet.
Don't say anything. Just give both time. Give both careful courtesy and time.
5. Quality Time Together
Actually, I said that was the last thing, right? This is the last thing. This really is. I mean this one.
This is the last thing. Husbands, we have to be able to give our wives time that is just theirs. I'm not including children in this conversation.
We have to be able to give our wives time that is just theirs, between you and them, with no kids, no in- laws, no work, no cell phone, no laptop, no TV, no nothing else, just you and your spouse.
If you can manage to take them out to dinner once in a while, maybe once a week, set a date, schedule it. If you have that kind of a busy life, put it in your schedule. That this day, grandma's gonna take care of the kids, and I'm gonna take the wife out for dinner somewhere. I'm just gonna spend some time with her. We're gonna go out for a walk.
What Women Really Want
Even a walk, I tell you, most of the time, all our wives want is very similar to what our mothers want. They just want to feel important. They want to feel like you care.
That's all they want to feel like. They don't want money. They ask for money out of anger sometimes. Not because they care about money. They don't care about money. You would think so.
They don't. If you give them everything, you're working hard, you're going to work, and you're giving up so much of your life, and you come and you give them money, and you give them house, and you give them this, and you give them that, and they're still upset, and you say, I give you everything. Why are you still upset with me?
Well, she's upset with you because you don't give her importance. Money, and car, and house. Oh, that's nice. She wants you.
She wants your time. She wants to be able to talk to you. She wants to be able to say that when you have a problem, you come to her first. You're able to have a conversation with her. You're able to trust her with anything.
Learning from the Prophet's Example
We have to take that huge leap, because we don't do that. When we have problems, we talk to our friends, the guys, co-workers, you know, we'll talk to our parents, somebody else, but we don't talk to our wife.
Look at the Prophet (peace be upon him). Probably the biggest crisis situation in the life of Rasulullah (peace be upon him) is when the Muslims and the Sahaba refuse to take their ihram off. This is the first time a collective of Muslims that are willing to sacrifice their life for the Prophet of Allah (peace be upon him) have refused a direct order.
They refused a direct order. It's unimaginable. Like the Prophet (peace be upon him) doesn't even know what to do at this point. Where does he go for counsel? The major generals? The head advisers? The elders of the Sahaba? Where does he go?
The wife. He goes to the spouse. You know in high level, in government, kings back in the day, women weren't allowed in the inner circle. Like the President, when he has his high level meetings, if the first lady walks in, he says, excuse me, can you come back in 10 minutes? I'm in a meeting right now. This doesn't have to do with you, woman.
Look at the Prophet (peace be upon him). What did he do? This is a high, like high level, classified meeting going on. At the highest level of the authority given to the Prophet (peace be upon him), and who's this meeting with?
His wife. How much more important can a wife become? How much more important can the mother of the believers become? The first consultation, the first consultation after revelation, first meeting with Jibril, next meeting with whom?
The wife. Where is the courtesy we've given our wives? Where is the actual healthy conversation we've given our wives?
The Challenge of Communication
It takes work, guys. It doesn't come naturally. Not for us. We're not good at conversation anyway. Guys can sit together for 3 hours and not say a word and still be like, ah, we had a great time.
So what? Women need you to talk. And if not talk, at least listen. But not just pretend to listen, like, uh- huh, not like that. Actually listen. Actually have a conversation.
Most of your problems disappear when you learn to just communicate respectfully. Most of them will disappear.
Summary of Key Points
These are some few things, I want to repeat them to you guys and close this down. The first one was what? What was the first one? Trust. Trust. Benefit of the doubt. That's trust.
Second, was courtesy. Third, respect for her and for her family. Fourth, I forgot. What was the fourth one? Importance. Giving your wife importance. Giving your husband importance. Making time for them. You know?
Ah, something else came in my head but I'm not telling you. Okay. That's too long. That's not the time. Might as well not.
No. I spoke mostly from the women's side, right? Might as well speak from the men's side too. You know what? It's already way over time. Who cares? Okay.
What Women Want vs What Men Want
I told you, all they want from us is what? At the end of the day? To feel important. Let me tell you what men want. All men want to feel is respected. Appreciated.
They feel like you nitpick everything and you don't appreciate anything. You're always complaining. That's what they feel like. So a little bit of appreciation. I really appreciate what you're doing. Thank you so much.
And a show of respect. Just, even if you don't want to, you just show, make him feel like he's respected. You can still get your way. You totally can. Just make him feel like it's his way. You're smart enough to do that.
My mom's been doing that to me since I was born. I feel like I got my way. She always gets her way. Don't you think these vegetables are tastier than chocolate? And I'll say, yeah, that's better. Give the chocolate to my sister. Right?
You, at least let them feel like they're in charge. Even if they're not. We all know they're not in charge. I know. I know I'm not in charge. But you know what feels really good? At least I can pretend that I think I am.
Give them that. Don't make them feel like you have to say no to everything they say. I'm gonna disagree with everything they say. I'll find fault with everything they say.
Maneuver around it. That'll make them appreciate you like you have never imagined. They just want to feel like, king of the house. I got the authority. And it's not working out for you, I know.
Every time you exert your authority, it blows up in your face. That's because they don't know how to give it. They don't know how to, like, maneuver it. And you don't know how to ask for it.
If you gave them the respect, they'd give you the time anyway. So you guys do your half, ladies do their half, and we become zawj. Insha'Allah ta'ala we become zawj.
Closing Du'a
May Allah Azza wa Jal make us true azwaj. May Allah Azza wa Jal put sakinah, tranquility, and peace in our marriages. May Allah Azza wa Jal make us a source of each other's rescue on the Day of Judgment.
That she is the reason that I became a better Muslim. And I'm the reason she became a better Muslimah. And we both help each other make our path to Jannah with our children.
May Allah accept from us and from you, and may Allah bless you with the Qur'an Al-Azeem, and may He benefit me and you with what is in it of verses and wise remembrance. And peace, mercy, and blessings of Allah be upon you.