Improving Our Relationships

Improving Our Relationships

Speaker: Nouman Ali Khan

Introduction and Greeting

As-salamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.

Alhamdulillahi rabbil alameen, wa salatu wa salamu ala ashrafil anbiyaai wal mursaleen, wa ala aalihi wa sahbihi wa man tabi'a sunnatahu ila yawm al-deen.

Allahumma ij'alna min alladheena aamanu wa 'amilus saalihaat wa tawaasau bil-haqqi wa tawaasau bis-sabr. (Quran 103:3)

The Purpose of Modern Education

What I'm going to be sharing with you are some very basic things about relationships within the family. One of the things that you might find peculiar is that I'm not going to be speaking about very high ideals. I'm going to be talking about some very basic things that I personally feel are plaguing all families, Muslim or not. Muslims, by the way, are no exception to the problems of family in modern times.

The Two Main Reasons for Education Today

People get an education nowadays for two primary reasons:

1. Career advancement - To get a good career and a meaningful way of making money
2. Social credentials - To gain respect and standing in society

These are universal motivations shared across the world, whether in Australia, China, or Pakistan.

The Missing Element: Basic Human Decency

The Paradox of Modern Education

We're living in strange times where you can have a PhD in biochemistry, a doctorate in nuclear physics, history, or political science, yet that person does not know how to be a husband. He has no clue how to be a neighbor, no idea how to be a good son or a good father.

I would consider basic human decency as fundamental education - to be a decent son, father, neighbor, and husband. But we've defined education as other things, and when it comes to the very basics of being a decent member of society and family, we are almost completely ignorant.

The Religious Knowledge Paradox

The most ironic situation is when people who are completely ignorant of basic human relationships may even be extremely knowledgeable of religion. The religion that came to make you a decent person, that gave you your dignity back - people have knowledge of this religion, attend courses and seminars, memorize surahs, yet they don't know how to talk to their wife or mother. They lose their temper all too easily.

Observations from Muslim Communities

By Allah's grace, I've had the opportunity to see over 150 communities all over the U.S., and I see the same exact mistakes being repeated over and over again.

The Common Parent Complaint

Parents of teenagers come to me constantly saying: "Can you talk to my children? My son just doesn't listen to me anymore." They expect some magical prescription, but the real question is: Where were you when there was time to talk to him?

Fundamental Relationships

There are two kinds of fundamental relationships we need to address:

1. Your relationship with your children
2. Your relationship with your spouse

Building Strong Relationships with Children

The Critical Early Years

When children are little - ages 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 - the most important thing to them is your approval. They want to make you proud and show you what they did.

The Importance of Attention and Appreciation

Children live for your approval. They desire that more than anything else. When they come to you wanting to show you something, you're supposed to appreciate what they do, even if it seems insignificant to you.

The Transformation in Teenage Years

However, those same children who couldn't stop talking about their day when they were young become quiet teenagers. Getting them to talk becomes like an interrogation at the police station. While you're asking questions, they're texting their friends about how their parent is asking too many questions.

The Critical Pattern

At a younger age, your children crave your attention. When they get older, you will crave their attention. But if you don't give them attention when they're tiny - if you say "Go to your room, I'm watching the news" or "I had a long day at work, I don't want to deal with this right now" - you're treating them like obstacles in your path.

The Real Job of Parenting

Understanding Your Priority

Your job at work is to fulfill your real job at home - being a father or mother. When you come home, your job has just begun, not ended. Spend time with your children. Don't replace your parenthood with devices like iPods, iPhones, computers, and laptops in their rooms with high-speed internet, so you don't even have to look at their faces.

The Consequence of Neglect

If you do this, your children become independent, but in this society, independent really means alienated. Most parents find that their children only see them as dollar signs walking around, coming to them only when they want money or permission for activities.

Being Friends with Your Children

We have to be friends with our children - their best friends. They should enjoy hanging out with parents the most. Parents should not be a nuisance but a joy to children. Being good parents doesn't just mean providing toys, nice things, and clothes. The most important thing you give them is your time.

Open Communication

Dealing with Exposure to Inappropriate Content

Our children are exposed to many things that are unacceptable in Islam. They see inappropriate content on billboards, TV ads, and through their peers. When children bring up something controversial, many parents react by saying: "This is wrong. We don't talk about these things. Astaghfirullah."

The Danger of Shutting Down Communication

When you react this way, you basically tell them that if they have something of a controversial nature, they shouldn't talk to you about it. But this doesn't mean they won't talk about it at all - they'll talk to someone else, usually non-Muslim friends who will give them non-Muslim advice. You close the doors of communication.

Personal Example

I come from a background where I have a hot temper. When my daughter came home from pre-school mentioning a boy's name from class, I initially overreacted. My wife had to intervene and handle the situation properly. If children learn that certain topics upset their parents, they'll stop sharing what happens in their daily lives.

Marriage: The Core of Society

We cannot talk about dawah or establishing a harmonious Islamic society until we have harmony inside the household. But our households are places of chaos.

Common Problems in Muslim Marriages

• Husbands and wives arguing every day
• Sarcasm inside the house
• Nasty commentary toward each other
• Unnecessary hurtful words
• Playing weird games with each other
• Battles inside the house

The Real Victims

While spouses engage in these destructive behaviors, the real victims are the children who are watching and learning this behavior. What kind of parents will they become when they grow up?

Addressing the Brothers

The Double Standard

Many Muslim men who work in corporate environments will have pleasant five-minute conversations with inappropriately dressed secretaries at work, responding warmly to their greetings. But when they come home and their wives ask "How was your day?", they respond with "I don't want to talk about it. I had a long day at work."

Questions for Self-Reflection

• What was the last time you got your wife a gift without her asking?
• What was the last time you took her out just to spend time together?
• What was the last time you hung out with her for no particular reason?

The Priority Crisis

There are sisters who complain that they haven't seen their husbands because when they come home, they sit on the computer and spend the entire night on YouTube. They feel like they're not even married anymore.

Get off the computer - you have a wife and children to deal with. That's your priority.

Practical Commitment

Personal Example

I was late to this lecture because I was supposed to deliver food to my children. I thought: How can I come here and give a lecture about family relationships if my kids are hungry? I had to take care of my family responsibility first.

We have to be courteous to our family and extend proper care and attention to them.

This transcription has been reviewed and corrected for accuracy while maintaining the original content and message of the speaker.