Holding a Grudge
By Nouman Ali Khan | 2026-01-08T19:38:14.302943+00:00 | Topic: Iman
Holding a Grudge - Khutbah by Nouman Ali Khan
Opening Prayer
My Lord, expand for me my breast and ease for me my task and untie the knot from my tongue that they may understand my speech.
Introduction: The Entrance to Jannah
There are many places in the Quran where Allah describes the entrance into heaven, the entrance into paradise. The people who protected themselves from making Allah unhappy, the Muttaqeen. And I start by asking Allah that He includes all of us among those people as we meet Him. But lots of different places describe different aspects of the wonders of Jannah.
The Description of Paradise in Surah Al-Hijr
And of course He starts in a common place here in Surah Al-Hijr as He also does somewhat similar in Surah Al-A'raf. He says, the people of Taqwa, the people who protected themselves and the people who were cautious, and the people who were aware of Allah's presence and how they carried out their lives, these people are going to find themselves surrounded:
Indeed, the righteous will be among gardens and springs.
وَعْيُونِ جَنَّاتٍ فِي - in gardens and waterfalls.
So this beautiful scene that you know of course people go to gardens and waterfalls to relax, to calm, right? You don't go there for work. You go there to get away from your stresses, right? So if somebody is having heart problems or somebody is having depression or whatever, they're told to go take a walk in a garden or go to a beach or something like that. Because the sight of water is very calming for human beings. So the idea of (جَنَّاتٍ وَعْيُونِ) just physically the gardens and the water, but the effect that it has on ourselves.
The State of Peace and Security
Our surroundings definitely have an effect on ourselves. So (إِنَّ الْمُتَّقِينَ فِي جَنَّاتٍ وَعْيُونِ ادْخُلُوهَا) And that's how you make sense of the next ayah also:
Enter it in peace, secure.
And (سَلَام) also means safety. And (آمنين) in a state of peace. So safety and peace and security, what are these things mean? There are two dimensions of it. Some say the external is (سَلَام) and the internal is (أمن) In other words, you're no longer in any danger from the outside. There's nothing dangerous about the outside.
And even internally there's nothing bothering you. You're internally at peace also. You know sometimes there's no physical danger around you. There's nothing actually bothering you in terms of the weather or you're in dangerous neighborhood or something. You're in the comfort of your home. Everything around you is peaceful.
But you're not at peace inside. So you may have (سَلَام) but you may not have (أمن), for example. So Allah says in Jannah, it's not just that we're surrounded by beauty, and that beauty isn't artificial, it's actually truly safe.
The Reality of Safety in This World vs. Paradise
You know like, when I used to live in New York City, things have gotten safer now. I don't know anymore because I haven't been there back in a while. But you know, Central Park is really beautiful but also really dangerous. You're surrounded in a garden but you don't know what's gonna happen around the bush. So there's a certain hour you just don't go there, right? So the idea of our surroundings truly being safe, and then on top of that, us actually feeling safe and secure within. Not just from dangers but from emotions that can wreak havoc inside of ourselves.
ادْخُلُوهَا بِسَلَامٍ آمِنِينَ So
The Central Verse: Removal of Grudges
And then Allah highlights what is kind of, you know, it's rarely highlighted in this way. It's only a couple of places. But I've chosen to highlight the passage from Surah Al-Hijr with you. Allah says:
And We will remove whatever is in their breasts of resentment, [being] brothers, on thrones facing each other.
And this is the heart of my khutbah today, this ayah - what's happening in this ayah. Allah says that We ourselves remove whatever they had going on in their chest, that has to do with (غِلٌ)
Understanding the Word "Ghil" (غِلّ)
The Arabic word used is غِلّ. And that's gonna take some time for me to explain. For now, I'll just say ill feelings or bad feelings. Allah says, He'll pull out bad feelings from our chest. And then we'll be sitting across from each other, (إِخْوَانًا) brothers, sitting across from each other, (عَلَى سُرْرٍ متقابلين) - on couches, beds, cushions, facing one another, actually facing one another. So let's take a step back and first understand the word (غِلّ) a little bit, and then we'll appreciate what's going on inside of this ayah.
Etymology and Imagery of "Ghil"
The word (غِلّ) actually has several, you know, what happens in the Arabic language is there are words that are, you know, like ill feeling or hate or animosity. These kinds of words, they're abstract. But they're associated with images. And if you can visualize those images, it'll help you better understand the abstract idea. So let me give you these images that are associated with the root letters (غ ل ل).
The Armor Metaphor
(الْغَائِلُ) - You know, when somebody wears armor, the armor is made of metal. And you know, back in the day especially, the armor is made of metal. You can't just put that on your skin, it'll scorch your skin. So you have to have a layer of cushioned clothes, and it can't just be regular clothes because the metal is too heavy, it'll start scraping your skin even through the cloth. So you have to have this cushioned foamy cloth that you first wear, and you completely surround yourself from it, and then you put the armor on.
And that first layer was called (غلائِل). Its purpose was first to completely secure you, and then to be reinforced with armor on top of that. In other words, you can't do without it. It's absolute necessity, and it's something that completely envelops you, and the purpose of it is to protect you.
The Collar and Nails Metaphor
They also use the word (غلائِل) - you know, back in the day, the soldier had armor to protect himself, and then they used to have... They can't leave the neck exposed, because the guy fighting him could strike the sword on the neck. So they could have a helmet, they could have armor, but there's still some gap here. So they used to put a collar here, a metal collar, that is going to make sure that the neck doesn't get struck. But that collar could move, and that could also cause cuts.
So they had to keep it secure in one place. So they would put nails into the neck collar, that it secures it to the rest of the armor. Those nails that make sure it doesn't move from its place, again, to protect your life, those nails that go deep inside, and they're not just gonna come loose in the middle of battle, because nobody's gonna be fighting a battle to the death, and like, oh man, this came loose, I gotta tighten this again.
That's not gonna happen. It's gotta stay where it is. They were called actually (الغلال) also. Those nails were called (الغلا)
The Tree Sap Metaphor
It's also used... So far the implication of this word is something that is there to protect you, and something that is very secure. And you can't do without it, and it surrounds you, right? These are the implications of the word.
Then it's used for when a tree starts going bad, like a tree is not getting the nourishment that it needs, and it starts going sour, and some liquid starts seeping out of the tree, and it squeezes out of it, that's actually called (الغلال) also. You know, that bad fluid. So it has to do with something sour, or something that's gone bad, that's no longer good.
The Oil in Hair Metaphor
They say (غَلَّ الدُّهْنُ فِي رَأْسِهِ - أَدْخَلَهُ فِي أُصولِ الشَّعْرِ) When you know, I don't know if you guys do this anymore, but I know that we do this in Pakistan, India, Bangladesh, etc. They put oil in the hair. Right, the mother sits you down and just kind of gives you an oil massage.
When the oil goes deep inside the head, and it's not coming out no matter how much shampoo you use, that's actually (غَلَّ الدُّهْن). The oil has gone deep in, and it won't come out now. It's penetrated inside of the head.
The Thirst Metaphor
And finally (غليل) and now I'll get to the point. The word (غليل) actually means extreme thirst. (شِدَّةُ الْعَطَشِ والحرار) - Extreme heat, extreme thirst.
Connecting the Metaphors
Now you can appreciate that all of those meanings are actually connected to each other. Somebody who's wearing armor, it's not comfortable to wear. And of course, back in the day, if they wore armor, they're gonna go fight in the desert, it's gonna be extremely hot.
And it's going to become something very very uncomfortable for them. And they're gonna start seeping sweat, like the tree seeps, right? It's an uncomfortable state, but they're doing so to protect themselves. From it you get the word غِلّ that is used in the Quran, that Allah says in heaven, when we go to heaven, may Allah make us from those people, Allah will remove (غِلّ) from our hearts.
(الغِلُّ الحِقْدُ وَالشَّحْنَاءُ) - Like it's when you have a grudge against somebody, when you have an animosity towards somebody, when you hate somebody.
The Reality of Conflicts Among Believers
Sometimes there are feelings, you know, believers Allah says:
You all became brothers by Allah's blessing.
We all became brothers. Islam brought us together, and we have a common love among each other. But let's not be idealistic. And even our deen is not idealistic, it's realistic. Sometimes conflicts happen between Muslims. Sometimes conflicts happen between family members, between siblings, between spouses. Divorces happen.
Sometimes conflicts happen between Sahaba, companions of the Prophet. They argue against each other, and develop resentment towards another. It happened. You know, there are incidents, even in the Sahaba's time, we think, you know, they were all just one united people, and there was no ill feelings ever among them.
Examples from Islamic History
There are incidents where, you know, even the Muhajirun and the Ansar who fought side by side, they would go into battle, and they'd fight like brothers side by side, and on the way back, they're standing at a well trying to drink water, and one accidentally pushes into the other, and they start beating each other up. It happened. It happened.
These kinds of things happened. But even if we're not talking about the Sahaba (رضي اللهُ عَنْهُمْ أَجْمَعِينَ) the idea that ill feelings, or these kinds of feelings that get deeply penetrated inside us, that can take root, that's a natural thing. It does occur.
The Example of Prophet Yusuf's Brothers
Like for example, I want you to appreciate, you know, Yusuf's brothers, who caused so much pain to the family for so many years. And finally when the families reunited, they apologized for everything that they did. They apologized.
Now, you know, istighfar to Allah is different from asking another human being to forgive. When Allah forgives, and if Allah accepts your tawbah, all your past is removed. Everything is gone.
But if you've been hurting me for 10 years, and then you came and said sorry, and even if I cried and I forgave you, does that mean I forgot those 10 years? No. Is the memory sometimes come back and hurt me again? Sure. Is it gonna reoccur and you say, no, I thought you forgave me.
No, it doesn't work that way. Because human beings are not capable of forgiving other human beings in the same way that Allah can forgive. The forgiveness of human beings is something else, and the forgiveness of Allah is something else.
Ya'qub's Response
And sometimes human beings aren't even able to forgive. As a matter of fact, their father Ya'qub told them:
I will ask forgiveness for you from my Lord.
I can't even ask Allah to pray, I'm not even gonna pray for you right now. I will though. But not right now, right now I'm still in a very bad mood. So in other words, he couldn't get himself to make immediate istighfar for them, for his own sons.
The Example of the Prophet ﷺ
A mercy, a loving mercy for all of humanity, all people. His own uncle when he was killed in battle, and Hind did what heinous crime she did, she chewed off of his corpse. Later on, Hind became Muslim. She accepted Islam.
Allah has forgiven all of her sins, but the Prophet ﷺ couldn't face her. He couldn't see her. Because what she's done, is left too much of a scar. There's a ghil there, there's a feeling there, that you can't just get rid of.
The Self-Defense Mechanism of Grudges
So this happens. And the reason I wanted to bring this to your attention is, sometimes these feelings are like that nail that got drilled into the armor. Or you feel like you have to hold on to that grudge, or that feeling, or that protectiveness. You want to keep a distance from a person like that, because you feel that if you let your guard down, that you'll get attacked again. That you'll be hurt again.
So it becomes sort of a self-defense mechanism for you. And even though, when we don't understand these things, we come to people that have suffered years of abuse, or that have been wronged in the most terrible of ways, and we just tell them, just forgive, just forgive, it's okay. Well, you don't know what the depth of the problem is.
And we can encourage each other to forgive, but actually only Allah knows who is capable and who is not capable. And as a matter of fact, for believers, another variation of this same dua, actually this expression is identical in Surah Al-A'raf. When this was revealed, later on among the sahaba there were conflicts.
Ali's Dua and the Reality of Human Nature
And Ali (may Allah be pleased with him) used to make dua, Ya Allah, make me and those who have had a disagreement with, make us a part of this dua, that this ghil is removed from us. So this is a very real thing that you're not able to get rid of that in this world. That doesn't mean that the person you have ill feelings
towards, or the person who's hurt you, or that grudge, or that pain that they caused you, that you're not able to forget.
That every time you see them, you're reminded of it, and it triggers those memories. All of that stuff, all of that baggage that you're carrying inside of you, that it makes you a bad person. It doesn't mean that your heart isn't good.
Or if you truly were a believer that you should just forgive. Allah Azzawajal gave us room to have these feelings. He even gave the prophets room to have those feelings.
The Heavy Burden of Grudges
And Allah even told us that those feelings can become very painful. They can become a heavy armor that you're always wearing around you. Because when someone's wearing armor, they're not comfortable. These are not comfortable feelings that a human being lives with. And it's very difficult to let them go. And they can start rotting away at you too.
And Allah says it is on judgment day:
We will pull away from them whatever they had going on in their chest of any kind of ghil.
This is the worst case scenario. Ghil is other things too by the way.
The Connection Between Ghil and Deception
The discomfort of ghil, and by the way ghul comes from the same word, which means to cheat. To cheat somebody or to take more than your share. And those two things are related because sometimes you feel these feelings towards someone because you feel they did what they shouldn't have done. They took more than their share. Or they cheated you in some way, or they deceived you in some way, or they wronged you in some way. And so those two words are related to each other.
Allah's Intervention in Removing Grudges
Now, this idea that Allah pulls it away is pretty powerful. Allah didn't just say, when they go on judgment day, they're not gonna have any bad feelings. He literally said, (نَزَعْنَا - We will pull it out). We will yank it out, pull it up. The word نزع in Arabic is used for something that was clinging on to something. Like, you know how sometimes there's meat that's clinging on to a bone and it won't come off.
And it's really hard to peel it off. Or sometimes there's fungus that grows on a tree and it doesn't come off easily. That's actually نزع - The idea of pulling that off. That it doesn't easily come out. Or the
extraction, the slow extraction of honey is also called نزع - The idea is this is something that's inside, it's deep inside and only Allah can remove it. Like you might not even be capable of removing it.
- Allah Himself intervenes in the ayah
There are other ways of expressing this. (مَا فِي قُلُوبِهِم مِّنْ غِلِّ يَوْمَئِذٍ - There's not gonna be any), but He didn't say it that way.
The same way you have to appreciate that even though you may be in a position to forgive someone, and you may have forgiven, then don't beat yourself up if you've forgiven but not forgotten. Because forgiving and forgetting, they're two different things.
Minor Irritations in Relationships
Now the other dimension of غِلّ - The other dimension of غِلّ is that in our relationships, even though not the worst, the grudges and you've parted ways with some people or whatever. Maybe there's a couple who got divorced and Allah says:
Don't forget to do good between each other, even if you part ways.
But sometimes it's not that, it's very ugly. And even years later, somebody mentions the other's name, and they're like, you know, and they get upset. I can't believe you mentioned their name or whatever. And of course, if you see them anywhere, like if you see someone you've had a disagreement with, even in a grocery store, in a restaurant, you all of a sudden don't feel like eating. I can't even see their face.
It reminds me of all the bad stuff that happened. It gives you anxiety and panic attacks. What happens in the ayah? He says, we will remove this غِلّ and then they will be brethren, they will be like brothers, and they'll be sitting face to face with each other.
عَلَى سُرْرٍ مُّتَقَابِلِينَ - Which is impossible, when you have those kinds of feelings, you can't be chilling and relaxed and feel like brethren when you're in front of someone who's got all this baggage, all this history with you, right?
Everyday Relationship Irritations
But now let's talk about people that we have good relationships with. Not people that we've had fights with, or parted ways with, or that have hurt us, or we've hurt them, or maybe we hurt them but they weren't able to forgive, or we hurt them and they overreact. It could be any number of things, right? But other than that, you have relationships of all kinds.
You know, there are parents here who have a relationship with their kids. Spouses have relationships, siblings have relationships with each other. And those relationships are not perfect.
There are things that your brother or sister does that's extremely annoying to you. You can't stand it. There are things that your spouse does that you find really agitating, and you just have to learn to live with it.
And every time she does it, you're like, "What?" "Nothing, nothing." And it's there, you just have to live with it. This is also a kind of ghil, an agitation, something annoying that you are just learning to live with. And Allah is telling us that in, for example, with the spouse, the description of the spouse in Jannah is (أَزْوَاجٌ مُّطَهِّرَةٌ - purified spouses).
And purification there, it doesn't just mean in a spiritual sense, it actually means that all of our relationships in Jannah are going to have removed all the things we found agitating. Like some of you are agitated by the smallest of things, like, you know, you're just, I can't stand how my sister sounds. Man, every time she opens her mouth, I just wanna punch the wall or something.
You have these issues. Those feelings will go away. You won't have those agitations anymore.
The Connection Between Environment and Relationships
You won't have ill feelings carried inside you anymore. And so Allah mentioned first gardens and waterfalls in heaven, and that's great. And we're at peace. But Allah also teaches us that our peace and our calm and our state of being happy also has to do with the people that we surround ourselves with.
The Profound Dua from the Quran
And so I come to the next part, the last part of this khutbah. And that's the profound dua in the Quran:
Do not place in our hearts ghil for those who've believed.
Do not allow ghil to come, do not place ghil in our hearts for those who've believed. This is an important dua for us to remember that, yes, some ghil might already be there. And we didn't make dua about that.
But we asked (تَجْعَلْ فِي قُلُوبِنَا - as in فِي الْمُسْتَقْبَلِ also). Going forward, ya Allah, don't allow any further grudges. There's whatever I have, I wish I didn't have, but don't allow any further grudges or these grudges to escalate in my heart.
Practical Application for Ramadan
This is a dua we make even for this life because it's a difficult thing for a believer to carry. This is the month of Ramadan, and this is the month that we should try to think about what is it that's eating away
at us, you know, and what is it that's, you know, which relationships there are in which maybe we acknowledge we did something wrong, we crossed a line, we wronged somebody else, and we need to go and ask for forgiveness.
But even when you do ask for forgiveness, know one thing, you know, they say in therapy, you can only control your side of the street. Even if you go and apologize to someone for what you did wrong, that doesn't mean that everything's fine. Don't expect from them that they're totally okay with you now. You don't go apologize to them with an expectation.
The Proper Way to Apologize
The only reason you should apologize to someone is for yourself. You have to acknowledge you did something wrong, and you have to admit that you crossed this line, and here you are, you're sorry. I'm sorry I did this. I own it. But whether you forgive or not, whether you decide to dismiss, because you know, it's really hard for us to humble ourselves and say, I'm sorry, it's difficult to do. And when you finally go and do it, and they say, you think I care? And they just throw it in your face? They're like, man, I'm not sorry at all actually, I take it back.
Yeah. No. Their ghil is theirs. Whether Allah removes it for them or not, it's not up to you. Your words do not change anything. We don't change hearts. Our apologies don't change hearts. Our behavior doesn't change hearts. You making up for something you did wrong is you doing it for your conscience. Because you did something wrong for your conscience. But that does not mean that somebody else's heart will change.
False Expectations After Apologies
You know what happens with us? I said sorry, I even got you ice cream. I don't know why you're still mad. Well, no. That doesn't work. It doesn't work like that. You could get ice cream, you get a truck of ice cream. It won't make a difference.
Until that person deals with their ghil and Allah removes it for them, then you can't have expectations. And the moment you start having expectations, it actually means you're not genuinely sorry anyway. In so many relationships, you say sorry, or somebody else says sorry to you.
And you're still in a bad mood, and then an hour later like, you know what? No, no, I'm not sorry at all. And they go back to their old ways. You know? And then you realize that was just Ramadan fever.
The Problem with Ramadan Apologies
Ramadan is approaching, so what do people do? Hey, it's the month of Ramadan. We have to get close to Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala. I just wanted to say, if I've ever hurt you. They know they've hurt you, but they say, if I've ever hurt you. If that... Like they know the entire list of what they said and did. But if by
The Importance of Sincerity
Don't artificially try to remove it. Don't say things you don't mean.
Why do you say what you don't mean?
Don't say things expecting from people. Say things expecting from Allah (عز وجل). That's it. A good way for you to apologize is, look, whether you forgive me or not. Whether you decide that we can be back to normal again or not. That's not the point. I wanted to admit that I've done something wrong.
I wanted to admit that I crossed the line that I should not have crossed. And I'm truly sorry for it. And I don't expect a response. I don't expect anything in return. This is actually your... This is you trying to remove the ghil from your own heart. This is you removing the ghil from your own heart.
Making the Dua Meaningful
So, when we make dua to Allah:
Do not place in our hearts ghil towards those who've believed.
Then you have to decide, what is it that you're able to overcome? What is it that you're able to forgive? What is it that you're able to ask forgiveness for? Genuinely. Not artificially. Just saying sorry to someone isn't genuine. And if you're able to do that from your heart, then it means something. Then you've actually truly made that dua to Allah too.
Closing Prayer and Reflection
So may Allah (عز وجل) make us genuine in our relationships. And may Allah (عز وجل) remove... If our ghil isn't removed in this dunya, may Allah (عز وجل) certainly remove all of it in the akhirah from all of us. Because that is where... That is essentially what truly matters.
The Final Lesson from Surah Al-A'raf
And last thing I share with you from surah al-A'raf on the same subject, is that people make it into jannah all the way. And the people that used to have a grudge with each other, didn't talk to each other, parted ways from each other, standing next to each other. And they both together in that same ayah say:
Praise to Allah, who has guided us to this; and we would never have been guided if Allah had not guided us.
The one who guided us all the way to this. We could not have guided ourselves had it not been for Allah's guidance. They took their path, you took your path. Doesn't mean your path is to jannah and theirs is to jahannam.
Just because you don't get along with someone doesn't mean they're going to hell. Or they're not guided, or they're not good. It's okay, there are sometimes people that don't get along and they're all on their own journey.
Final Supplication
And may Allah (عز وجل) grant all of us jannah. May Allah (عز وجل) grant all of us forgiveness. Even if you have bad feelings towards someone, you should never wish that they are answerable to Allah on judgment day. That's too much. Whatever they did to you in dunya is too much for you to ask that Allah hold them to account in the akhirah. Just, you know, you should just trust Allah's justice and let that go.
And that's again part of you letting go of the ghil that you have. This is a great month for Allah to expand our chest. This is a great month for Allah to give us calm and ease in our hearts.
And so I pray that Allah (عز وجل) does that for us that our recitation and our engagement with the Quran, our reflection on the Quran, our worship of Allah, it softens our hearts not just towards Him but to those around us as well.
Establish prayer. Indeed, prayer prohibits immorality and wrongdoing, and the remembrance of Allah is greater. And Allah knows that which you do.
Indeed, prayer has been decreed upon the believers a decree of specified times.