Hitting Women - That s Messed Up
By Nouman Ali Khan | 2026-01-09T11:57:20.626989+00:00 | Topic: Iman
Understanding the Verse About Women in the Quran
Introduction and Opening Greetings
As-Salaamu Alaikum. Wa Alaikum As-Salaam. How's it going? Things are good, things are good.
The Problem We Need to Address
No questions from anybody. Just something on my mind. Something that's been on my mind for a long time. Something that we have a big problem with all over the Muslim world. I thought it was like a desi thing. It's not. It's all over the Muslim world. It's hitting women, dude. And justifying it from Quran.
Because you know the ayah says, (وَاضْرِبُوهُنَّ - Quran 4:34) - "And hit them." And so using that to say, well, you're obviously allowed to hit women. And when I started looking up this subject, I wasn't satisfied with stuff that I read. It just didn't add up. So I decided to keep on digging.
Seeking Scholarly Guidance
Until couple of years ago, I went to, I still remember, Professor Abdul Halim in Oxford. And I sat with him, and I took my Quran questions to him. And this was one of them, help me understand this ayah. And I want to tell you, I want to share with you what I learned from him and my own thoughts on it.
The Need for Internal Muslim Discussion
But before I do, you know, most of the time when we talk about this ayah, we're like explaining this to non-Muslims. Which is so ingenuine, dude. We need to have a conversation about this with Muslims. This is our faith. This is our book. This is what we believe.
The Perfection of Every Ayah
I believe every single ayah is perfect. Every single ayah could not be any better than it is. It's the most beautiful gift of Allah on this earth. No ayat should be considered a curse. No ayat should be considered negative. Or, you know, why is that here? Because if you even question, why is this here? You're questioning the idea of Allah revealing Himself.
Like the idea of Allah sending revelation. The greatest gift ever given (الرَّحْمٰنُ عَلَّمَ الْقُرْآنَ - Quran 55:1-2) - "The Most Merciful taught the Qur'an." Unimaginably merciful is the one who taught the Qur'an.
Like, even if you question or you think less of one ayah, what good is your iman? Where to go? So, protecting the integrity of this ayah to me is like fundamental. Because if... You know, Muslim women, many Muslim women I've met have a problem with this ayah. And their concern is legitimate.
Understanding vs. Having Problems with the Ayah
But to have a problem with an ayah and you're Muslim, there needs to be something resolved here. Because you can have, I have a problem understanding this ayah. Which is a little bit different from... Actually, no. It's a world different from, I have a problem with this ayah. That's a crime. I mean, that's about faith itself. But how does one understand it? That's the thing, right? Let's help people understand it.
The Importance of Context in Surah An-Nisa
So, first and foremost, every surah is perfect. You cannot take an ayah out of a surah, put it in a different surah. That's the first thing, right? So, this belongs to surah an-Nisa. This means it does not belong in surah al-Ma'idah, or Tawbah, or Baqarah. It belongs in surah an-Nisa.
And surah an-Nisa is a perfect conversation, orchestrated by Allah, intended as such. In other words, the first thing when we understand an ayah is which surah is it placed in, what conversation is it a part of.
The Pattern of Unusual Cases in Surah An-Nisa
So, surah an-Nisa has a number of legal instructions. It talks about another big subject for a lot of people, polygamy. It talks about inheritance law. It talks about the punishment of adultery. The early punishments for adultery at least. It talks about exceptional cases. It talks about who is it haram for you to marry.
Now, you know what all of those things have in common? Every one of them, when Allah talks about them, He talks about the most unusual cases. That's the common thread that ties all of these together, the most unusual cases.
Examples of Unusual Cases
First unusual case, if you were raising four girls as orphans, and they gained a certain age, and they're not your mahram, they're not part of your family, you're allowed to marry one of them, or two of them, or three of them, or whatever. Is that a usual case? Somebody raising four orphan girls? Even polygamy, when it's talked about, which is a separate subject, it's talked about in the most unusual circumstance. You see what I'm saying?
"Prohibited to you [for marriage] are your mothers, your daughters, your sisters, your father's sisters, your mother's sisters" - for you to marry. Your daughters are haram for you to marry.
Why would Allah say that? He's not talking about normal circumstances. He's talking about psychologically disturbed, the weird people out there, some crazy case can happen, so this needs to be spelled out.
Laws Are for Extreme Cases
See, the thing with law is, law is not for law abiding citizens. Actually, laws are for criminals. They cover the periphery of society, not the main center of society. That's what Surah An-Nisa is doing. It's actually covering the outlying, crazy case situations, here's what you're gonna do. Now you know how to deal with these extreme situations, which automatically covers all the normal situations, right?
Breaking Down the Ayah: Men as Caretakers
If you keep that in mind, then you get to this ayah. And even that hit them, is part of a very long ayah, which begins with, men are caretakers of women. Now tell me, caretaker, qawwam, the same word shares a root with the name of Allah, qayyum. Allah is the caretaker of everything. Do you imagine Allah as caretaker hitting, striking, a part of his care? That's not the thought that comes in your mind when you think of taking care. It's already being negated, as the ayah begins.
"Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other." Because Allah gave some preference over others. Allah did not say, because Allah gave men preference over women.
He could have said that, it's his words. He could have said, (بِمَا فَضَّلَ اللَّهُ الرِّجَالَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ - bima faddalallahu alrijala ala alnisa) or (بِمَا فَضَّلَهُمُ اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِنَّ - bima faddalahumu allahu alayhinn). He could have said it, because Allah preferred men over... He said, because Allah gave some preferences, to some over others. In other words, women have certain things, they have preference in. So Allah gave them certain benefits, and men were given certain benefits. And in this case, men have been given the responsibility of, maintaining women.
"and because of what they spend of their wealth."
Description of Righteous Women
"So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband's] absence what Allah would have them guard."
Then good women are, subservient to Allah. I'm adding to Allah, because that's what qunut is used in the Quran. It's not subservient to their husbands. It's qunut everywhere in the Quran, like dua ul-qunut. (قَانِتِينَ قُومُوا لِلَّهِ قَانِتِينَ - Quran 2:238). Every time it's used for Allah. How are you going to say, now it's being used for husbands?
Good women are, subservient to Allah (حَافِظَاتٌ لِّلْغَيْبِ - hafizatul lilghayb) guarding they're guardians of what is in the unseen. Meaning they guard their dignity, and they guard their faith. Even when their husband is not around. (حَافِظَاتٌ لِّلْغَيْبِ - hafizatul lilghayb) that's one of the meanings. There are other meanings too. (يمَا حَفِظ الله - yima hafiz Allah) on account of what Allah decided that should be guarded.
Understanding Nushuz (Rebellion)
Then he says, now by the way, so far, they're obedient to Allah, and they guard the chastity of the marriage, and their own chastity, they guard the integrity, they don't cheat on their husbands basically. Now he says
And as for those from whom you are afraid, afraid of their uprising. That's the next part. Now I ask Professor Abdul Halim, what is this uprising? Because this uprising is used later on in the surah when a man is abusive to his wife. So a man potentially hitting his wife, or hurting her, or going against her in some aggressive way, that's also nushuz. Okay?
The question though is, what is outrageous behavior for women? Now some people say outrageous behavior for women is, I asked her to put two spoons of chai, she put three. That's nushuz, Quran says, that's an uprising. Or she raised her voice.
The True Definition of Nushuz
So I asked Professor Abdul Halim, what is nushuz? And he's like, you know the ayah? It has a contrast. Here are good women, and here are women that have an uprising. Which means they do the opposite of what? Good women do. Good women are subservient to Allah. This woman has now started defying Allah. Good women are loyal to their husbands. This woman is now what? Cheating on her husband.
The Progressive Fear and Response
And Allah says to the husband, if you're afraid that she's doing this, not that she is doing it, but you're afraid that she's doing it. She hasn't done it yet, but he's developing a fear, and it's getting bigger and bigger. (وَاللَّاتِي تَخَافُونَ - waallati takhafun) As opposed to (خِفْتُمْ - khiftum) Not you were afraid, but you continue to be afraid. In other words, he's getting suspicious, and he's getting more suspicious, and he's getting more suspicious. It's lingering, he notices things about her, that he's like, what's going on here?
"then advise them." Then give them advice. Listen, something's happening. Why are you going out late at night with makeup on? What's going on? Tell me what's going on. I need to know. Try to counsel them. It doesn't work. You tried it regularly, it didn't work.
"and forsake them in bed." Leave the bed. Abandon them. In the beds. Don't sleep with them. You're disgusted by what you know, the fear is growing. You haven't seen anything, but the fear is growing. It's gotten really, really bad.
The Most Extreme Case
Now it gets to the worst case. The worst case is, she's actually caught. He sees her with another man. Something crazy. And he sees this, and he loses his mind, and what does he do? He hits her. By the way, let's take Muslim out of this. Some dude, not even married, with his girlfriend, he sees another man. What did you do? Is that a natural reaction? A girl would do it, a guy would do it. You snap. Now he hit her, or he pushed her, something he did, and he feels bad. How could I have done that? Allah says, I'm giving you license in that crazy case. I'll let you get away with that one.
Scholarly Discussion and Traditional Views
If you look at the... And by the way, when I discussed this, Professor Abdul Halim, right? Remarkable Quran scholar. He's the one sharing this with me. And I'm like, I never heard that before. So that night, I had dinner with a bunch of scholars, traditional scholars. I'm not gonna name them, I don't wanna blast anybody. And I kind of, I was the only kind of like, you know, just like a kafir kind of, you know, and they're all traditionally Ulema.
So I was like, let's stir up some trouble around here. So I was studying the ayah about hitting women with Professor Abdul Halim this morning. And they're like, really, what did he say? And I shared this with them. And this is actually only, it's restricted only to a case of repeated and like, perpetual infidelity from a wife. And it drives the man nuts. And then he finally eventually ended up losing his cool. And Allah says, people get killed over this sort of thing by the way.
The Prophetic Guidelines
And by the way, hitting, then comes the sunnah. How much can you hit? How can you hit? The Prophet (peace be upon him), the sunnah will dictate that you can't actually hit hard ever. You can't ever, you know, hit in a way that even the skin would turn red. And like, tap or whatever. That's a separate problem. But this is restricted to the craziest case. It's not the norm. It's not the norm.
The Exception, Not the Rule
So I said that. That is not the norm. That is the exception. And to use that as a norm is a crime against the Quran. And expecting like fireworks. The senior guy among them, you know what he says? Makes sense, we believe that too. I was like, no. You do? He goes, of course. I was like, why don't you ever say it? I literally just called him out, like I couldn't help myself. Like, why is this the first time I'm learning this?
And he says, you know, people aren't mature enough to learn these things yet. And they won't be able to, people might take advantage of it. That is disturbing, sheikh man. Your job is to clarify the religion for people. And now you're gonna decide what's in their best interest and keep? It's just messed up.
Alternative Interpretations
There are other interpretations. Now don't even hit them, just go away from them. I'm not as convinced of them from linguistics perspective. Right? But from the context, now here's the thing.
The Purpose of Reconciliation
"But if they obey you [once more[, seek no means against them. Indeed, Allah is ever Exalted and Grand."
If they start obeying you. The question is, if you think your wife is cheating on you, why don't you just leave her? Because ayat in the Qur'an are there. If you think she's, you know, you can accuse her. Now if you accuse in a Muslim society, then you're gonna accuse and they're gonna go to court and the entire family will be humiliated and she might even be executed, whatever. Proceedings are gonna happen. And if she doesn't wanna admit to it, she'll have to declare that Allah's curse should be on her if she's lying. Do you hate her that much that you want Allah's curse to be on her forever?
And maybe there are kids involved, there's other family involved, there are emotions involved, maybe you don't wanna leave her. Maybe you wanna move on from this incident. So He says, if they start obeying you, then don't make a case against them again. Don't bring it up again. Move on. If you're gonna move on, then you better move on, move on. Don't ever bring it up again.
Allah's Ultimate Authority
"Indeed, Allah is ever Exalted and Grand." Allah is the ultimately high. Why did Allah say, in this ayah, why did He say He's the ultimately high? Because Allah did not give you the height. He's the ultimately high. He's the big one. He's Kabir, not you. He put the man in his place at the end of this ayah.
The True Purpose of the Ayah
Now, from the context, this ayah is actually not about hitting women at all. It's about protecting the fidelity and the loyalty inside a marriage. That's what it's about. And what a man is afraid of that's happening. By the way, why use the word fear? If somebody says, I'm afraid of the uprising of my wife. Fear, by the way, is actually put too much shy. I'm so scared. That's something you're scared of. That's something you're mad about. Yeah, an inconvenience.
But if a husband thinks his wife is cheating, is he scared? Yeah. The word fear, in any other interpretation, doesn't add up. How are you afraid that she leaves the bathroom door open? How are you afraid that she raises her voice? That has nothing to do with fear. Yeah, that's actually a position of power. That's a position of power. And the position of power has been taken away at the end.
The Abuse of Allah's Word
Can you imagine how much abuse of Allah's word is being done in His name? And then look, it began with qawwamun, right? Caretakers, which already tells you, why would you hit someone when you're their caretaker?
The Contradiction with Surrounding Verses
"Worship Allah and associate nothing with Him, and to parents do good, and to relatives, orphans, the needy, the near neighbor, the neighbor farther away, the companion at your side."
Oh, what? Be the best to your parents, be the best to close neighbors, be the best to people you live next door, to your next door neighbors, and also the people you commute next to. The one who's sitting next to you on a plane or on a bus or on a camel, be the best to them, okay, be the best to everyone else, just smack around your wife, huh? What? I don't even understand how they can...