Friends part 1 of 2

True Friends - Khutba by Nouman Ali Khan

Introduction and Opening

In the name of Allah, the extremely merciful, the constantly merciful. I find no great thing better than the universal expression of peace. Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

The Say It One Care project team welcomes you and your families to the most awaited event of the year, the Youth Care Conference, which focuses on empowering the youth with a new series of lectures by world-renowned orator, Nouman Ali Khan, who came to visit us all the way from the United States. The Youth Care Conference is a brand new initiative with many developed plans in the coming years.

Personal Welcome and Gratitude

I can't see everyone here today, but even if you can't see me and I can't see you, first of all, a very near and dear Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh. Once again, and I want to express how honored I feel to be able to address all of you in this community. This has been a long-standing dream of mine to be able to visit the Muslim world and to meet with the youth and the communities wherever they may be.

And Allah Azza wa Jal has opened these doors in a way that I couldn't have imagined. And so I'm extremely grateful to have the honor of meeting all of you. I don't think I'll be able to get to say Salam to each of you individually, inshaAllah ta'ala. But regardless, know that I'm very grateful for your company tonight. And I start by asking Allah to make this gathering of ours a benefit to us here while we're here and to accept it as an act of worship towards Him. And also that the barakah and the good, the unexpected good that comes out of this gathering is good for our lives and our children and our futures, inshaAllah ta'ala.

The Complexity of Modern Friendship

So it's a pretty big subject, friendship. And it's not something that I personally take lightly because my own life story and my own journey towards Islam actually begins with friendship. At least my serious journey towards Islam.

My elementary education was actually in Saudi, in Riyadh. And I went to Pakistan Embassy School. I think it was called the International School eventually. And it was a schooling much like a lot of the kids here and all of the youth here, the kind of schooling they've gone through.

But what I want to highlight is it was a great, great experience to be able to have certain elements in the culture of that education. And those elements were things like a high level of respect for your teacher and just really genuine friendships that weren't made up of some kind of agenda.

The Difference Between Then and Now

When we talk about friendships in America, like kids in high school that want to make friends, then, you know, it's really about whether they're dressed like you or not. So the hip-hop kids are kind of in one culture and the kids that are into heavy metal music are in a different kind of culture and they hang out by themselves and everybody's got their clique, right? Everybody's got to fit in into some kind of space and you have to try to fit in with one of them.

I didn't feel that over when I was coming up. You could just, playing around like, hey, you want to play? Yeah, let's play. It wasn't complicated. You didn't have to become socially acceptable before you became someone's friend. You know, it was simpler.

But we're not living in simple times anymore. I mean, I didn't come up in the age of YouTube. I'm actually pretty old, right? So this is a new phenomenon. I didn't come up in the age of Facebook or Twitter. You know, you being exposed to world cultures means that it doesn't matter if you're living in Bahrain or in Saudi or, you know, in Malaysia or anywhere else.

We are almost becoming very quickly a global culture. You're exposed to things that my children are exposed to, that I'm exposed to. Our exposure is not much different.

The Challenge of Virtual vs Real Friendship

It's very hard to make genuine friends anymore because we're in the age of virtual friends. Like, how many friends do you have on Facebook? As a matter of fact, it's a pretty strong exaggeration to call those friends on Facebook. There's people that just clicked a button. That doesn't make them your friend, you know? Or they put a thumbs up or a thumbs down on one of your comments. That doesn't make them your friend. This is entirely virtual.

But for a lot of people, that's all that matters. They can spend their entire day just clicking, clicking, clicking, waiting for someone to approve their comment so they can feel better about themselves. And finally, once they get an okay, their life is worth living again or something, you know? It's pretty sad.

The Need for Digital Detox

So my first advice to all of you is to detox a little bit. These things are really cool, but they've started to own us. We don't really have a life outside of them. You know how people that have asthma, they have to take an inhaler every few minutes, you know? And they have a problem in breathing. It's become like that for phones.

Personal Journey and the Role of Friends

The reason I wanted, the other thing I wanted to highlight about myself personally is that if it wasn't for friends, if it wasn't for Allah Azza wa Jal putting friends in my path, I don't even know if I would have been Muslim. Even though I was brought up here with Islamic values. But when I was exposed to and immersed in American culture and in a high school environment, I said Astaghfirullah for the first month or two months. Six months in, that was gone. I was completely immersed.

The American High School Experience

You know, when I went into high school, the first day, guys and girls are sitting together in class, you know, and there's like hand over arm, and you're like, (لَا حَوْلَ وَلَا قُوَّةَ إِلَّا بِاللَّهِ الْعَلِيِّ الْعَظِيمِ - la hawla wa la quwwata illa billahil aliyyil azim). I've never seen it, you know? What is that? And then the way the girls were dressed.

And then when you sit inside the class, there's no respect for the teacher. There's a kid sitting with his feet up on the table. The guy next to me is sitting with feet up on it. The other guy is like chewing gum. Chewing gum is like the death penalty, man. In like an Islamic environment. You don't mess with the teacher.

And when that goes far enough, well, you start losing respect for all elders. Including your parents. And when that goes far enough, you have respect for nothing else, including your own life, including yourself.

The Power of Non-Judgmental Friends

Looking back, those are not friends that were super knowledgeable. They were not da'is. They were not giving me khutbas every time I sat down with them. They were not giving me long speeches and advice. They were not... My conversations with them were not filled with ayat and hadith. It wasn't like that. Not at all, actually. And had they been like that, had they been very preachy and constantly giving me advice, I wouldn't have wanted to be their friend.

Friends are about... Real friends are people that don't judge you and they're not there to teach you. They're there to be for you first. They're not there to make sure you understand something or make sure you get... you listen to this lecture or watch this video.

What Kind of Friend Should You Be?

And that's the first thing I want everybody here to understand. We could have gone two ways in today's conversation. One of the ways is what kind of friends should you look for? That's one kind of conversation. What kind of friends should you look for? But actually that to me is also kind of selfish. I really want to talk to you today about what kind of friend should you be. Not about what kind of friends you should have, but what kind of friends you should be.

And when you become the right kind of friend, then Allah will put the right kind of people in your path. Really, that's what it is.

Don't Give Up on Your Muslim Friends

The first thing I want to highlight today, inshaAllah ta'ala, is, you know, especially those of you that are religiously conscious, and the fact that you're in the masjid today, and you've come to this program, means you have some level of consciousness towards the deen. And you have some concern. And I'm pretty sure you have friends that are pretty far from the deen too.

But you know what? The first thing I want to tell you is, don't cut yourself off from those friends. Don't give up on them. They're also Muslim. Yes, they're very far. Yes, they're into all kinds of sin. But at the end of the day, they were given the gift even though they haven't come to appreciate it yet. Somebody was there for me that didn't give up on me.

Being Patient and Strategic

You have to first be there for friends without being judgmental. It's really important. The easiest way to cut friends out of your life is to start acting like you're more righteous than they are. Or you're more knowledgeable than they are. Or you need to help them and they are in need of your help. Like you're in some position of superiority.

And this is, by the way, a form of arrogance. And people see right through it. You think you're serving deen or doing (أَمْرٌ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ وَنَهْيٌ عَنِ الْمُنْكَرِ - amr bil-ma'roof wa nahy 'anil-munkar) or you're doing da'wa fi sabi'illah. You're not. That's not da'wa. That's just you acting like you are there to save someone else.

Friendship in the Quran - Types of Friends

Now, is this a small subject in Allah's book? The second thing I wanna talk to you about is actually that this is a pretty... Friendship is a pretty big deal in the Qur'an. I was actually myself shocked at how big a deal it is in the Qur'an. How huge a subject it is. There are at least 10 words in the Qur'an used for different kinds of friends. 10 different terms. And each of them talked about it extensively.

1. Wali )الولي( - The Protective Friend

The first kind of friend was Wali. Wali in the Arabic languages argued to be from wala which is a kind of protection. Someone who takes care of your matters. A friend that is there to... In some sense when trouble comes they can guard you. They can handle your situation.

You know. So, a strong friend also you can call a wali. Of course, wali has other implications like in marriage you have to have a wali. It's a different terminology. Allah Azza wa Jal, one of his names is wali. (الله ولي الذين آمنوا - Allah is the wali of those who believe). He's a protective friend to those who believe.

Even if between you and somebody else there's animosity. You're talking to and they're talking back to you with the most aggressive language. What are you supposed to do at that point?

Allah says in Quran, even if somebody comes to you as an enemy act like he is looking out for you. You have that kind of confidence in them. And hameem comes from himmah which is like a fever. It's a fever, literally a fever. Extreme heat, you know. And this is... It describes the intimacy of friendship.

2. Sadeeq الصديق( - The Truthful Friend

The second kind of friend is a sadeeq. Sadeeq comes from sidq. Truthfulness is sidq. And a sadeeq is actually a genuine friend. What that means is you're friends with someone for no reason, no reason except a genuine intention. In other words, you're not friends with them because being friends with them will make you feel more popular at school.

When your friendship has no strings attached, it's true and genuine. You are friends with them for who they are. Not the things they own, not the status they have, not the artificial and superficial stuff. But it's a genuine friendship despite all of those things. That is sadaqa, actually. True, genuine friendship.

Arabic Wisdom About True Friendship

There's an Arabic wisdom: (صديقك من صدقك لا من صدّقك - Your friend is someone who's true to you). Who's honest with you. Not just someone who befriends you. Not just someone who's friendly with you. In other words, when you're falling off, they're true to you and say, listen, I care about you. I don't want you to do this.

3. The Consequence of False Friends

And this is one of the things that people on Judgment Day that are on the wrong side of Judgment Day. They're heading towards hellfire. They're heading towards Allah's judgment and justice. May Allah not make us from them. Allah says about them in the Qur'an:

Nobody misguided us except the criminals. So they're saying that it's not our fault we're going to hell. It's not our fault we're in trouble on Judgment Day. It's criminals that misled us. Bad people misled us.

We got nobody to make a case for us. Now, a shafi' is someone who likes you. And when you're getting in trouble, they stand in the way and say, No, no, no, no, no. He's good. He's okay.

They say today, We have no true friends that are close to us, that are showing us love. No loving true friends. Subhanallah.

4. Sahib الصاحب( - The Companion

And there's sahib. Sahib. It's a very comprehensive word in the Qur'an for friend. And sahib could be used in the most casual sense for people that you are even sitting next to on a train or on a journey. But there's one thing genuinely... There's one thing universally in common for a sahib. And a sahib is someone who means well for you. They mean well for you.

One of the names of Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) in the Qur'an is:

Talking to the Quraysh your sahib is not insane at all. Why is he their sahib? Because he's had sohbah with them. He spent a lot of time with them. He's been with them. And he actually is concerned about them. He cares for them.

The Problem of Materialism Among Friends

I'm going to be honest with you guys. One of the things that's concerned me as I came here and every nation has its concerns, every country has its concerns and we have some universal concerns but something unique that I found here that I haven't seen in many other places is that you guys are obsessed with over-the-top super luxurious brands.

When you start not being so deluded by fashion, deluded by brands, and so deluded by the next material thing. Don't stand in line like 300 people outside the Apple Store when the iPhone 5S comes out. Don't be one of those people. It's okay.

5. Walija )الولجة( - The Intimate Confidant

So I want to talk to you a little bit about this other term, walija. Occurs once in the Quran. Walija. Comes from the verb, walaja. And walaja, yaliju in Arabic means to enter. To enter, to penetrate deeply.

Like Allah says:

He knows what goes into the earth and what comes out of it. So walija in Arabic is a friend who is all up in your business know all about what's going on in your life. And they're deeply involved in your affairs. Like you can trust them so much that you can share anything with them.

This is someone you can trust with your bank account. This is someone you can trust with your house. This is someone you can trust in any matter. That kind of friendship is extremely rare today. It's extremely rare.

And what's interesting in the Quran is that Allah Azza wa Jal made it a condition. He made it a condition that you can only have this kind of friend with a fellow believer. So Allah Azza wa Jal says:

Have you assumed that you're gonna be left alone? You think you're not gonna go through any test? Allah hasn't yet discovered who among you really struggles. And he did not take anybody as a walija other than Allah and his messenger and believers to go deep into their matters.

The Role of Allah and His Messenger in Our Lives

Now, what does that mean for us? What that means is Allah should be involved in every matter of my life. He's a walij to me. Allah is calling himself that in this ayah. You and I will go through trials and Allah will test to see how deeply is Allah involved in your most important personal matters.

Then he added the messenger (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam). SubhanAllah. How much do we consult the legacy of our messenger (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) in the most personal matters of our life? When you and I are having trouble in marriage, how much do we consult the Prophet in his example? When you and I are having trouble with friends, how much do we consult the advice of Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam)?

The Problem with Superficial Following of Sunnah

When we talk about the sunnah of the Prophet, nowadays, we celebrate and we emphasize the most outwardly aspect of the sunnah. So sunnah prayers before the prayer. The sunnah of keeping a beard.

The sunnah of being the first to say salam. But these are in many aspects, they're so public and outwardly.

But the most intimate matters of yours, the most internal matters, like should I get into this financial transaction? Should I buy these clothes at this price or not? Should I go with my friends and do this thing that they're all doing? Have I involved the messenger in those? Where's the sunnah in that?

And this is a big problem in the ummah. The way we talk to each other is so messed up. There's no sunnah in that. There's no sunnah respect for the elder. We're not following that.