Controlling Anger

Controlling Anger - Khutbah by Nouman Ali Khan

Introduction: The Subject of Anger in the Quran

Today's khutbah is about one or fragments of one subject in the Quran, and it's a very heavy subject I'd like to call it the subject of anger and losing one's temper. This is something that is often like many other subjects in the last book oversimplified in our deen oversimplified. Of course, we all know that anger is not a good thing and we're not supposed to be in a state of anger. But we're gonna try to dig deeper a little bit into some of the aspects of anger that Allah talks about in the way that he talks about them.

Allah's Acknowledgement of Justified Anger

I'd like to start with kind of an unusual place - acknowledgement meaning Allah acknowledges that it's okay to be angry at certain occasions. When is it okay for a believer, a slave of Allah, to be angry? Because at the end of the day anger is only truly justified for Allah. As a matter of fact the word ghadab in the Quran pretty much entirely is used only for Allah - people who drew upon themselves the anger of Allah, the ghadab of Allah.

This expression is continuously used exclusively for Allah. The only time outside of the usage for Allah you find the word ghadab used is twice and that's for Musa alayhi salam:

This occurs twice in the Quran.

Understanding Different Words for Anger

Before we go to ghadab, which is a common Arabic word for anger and we'll dig into that a little bit more, I want to start with something else. There's a couple of words of vocabulary so they stay in your mind. Even though the Quran uses multiple words for anger - it uses ghayz, it uses ghadab, it uses sakhat and uses hird - it uses multiple words. I want to start with ghayz which is probably the most important to understand because it's used even for believers and it's also used for disbelievers. It's also used for people who don't like Muslims like:

You can die in your anger. Allah knows what you have in your hearts:

The Meaning of Ghayz: Hidden Boiling Anger

But what does this word ghayz actually signify? This is what I wanted to start with. Ghayz in Arabic is actually not to let anger be shown. Ghayz in Arabic is actually something - it's used for example when they used to look at this big stone pot that's cooking something and they would call it "calm yet angry." What that means is if you look at the pot, it's not moving. It's still, it's calm, it's settled. But if you go touch it you burn your hand. So you don't really know what's going on when you look at it. But if you take a closer look or if you looked inside you'd see something boiling inside, right?

And that's the state of people sometimes - on the outside they look totally calm. Like they'll even smile at you, say assalamu alaikum, "How are you?" etc. and inside they hate your guts. They can't stand you, right? They have a lot of rage inside of them. But it's not even about a hypocritical attitude. It could even be that somebody's carrying about their life very normally - they're doing groceries, they're going to work, they're meeting with friends. Everything seems normal but inside there's some crazy stuff going on and there's an overwhelming amount of rage and nobody can tell from the outside that this storm is brewing inside this person.

Modern Examples and Family Situations

Nowadays, we see crazy things in the news, right? "He was such a normal guy. I don't know what happened. I don't know why he picked up a machine gun and you know went crazy in the movie theater or went crazy in the college campus or whatever else." But it's not even to the extreme where you end up going on a killing rampage - even inside of your family sometimes there's somebody who all of a sudden erupts and you're like "wait, you were never like that, what happened to you, what bug bit you today?" Well you didn't see it because it was brewing inside for many many many years sometimes and they were holding it in and holding it in and holding it in and there was no way to let it out and eventually just comes out and it comes out far too much.

By the way when it does come out then it's all ghadab. When it does release that's ghadab. If you're able to hold it in and contain it and it's boiling on the inside but nobody knows on the outside, that is still ghayz.

The Companions' Test of Anger

I want to start off with for the most part the companions of the Prophet ﷺ - they stood a lot. I mean they were insulted publicly, their messenger who they love more than their own selves was insulted in front of them. He was cursed, he was spit at, he was pushed away, he was almost stoned to death, he was expelled from his home. They were taken out of their homes - can you imagine the anger you would have if somebody was taking you out of your home? If somebody was taking me and my family and my kids out of my home and kicking them out and pushing them away and threatening them and then moving in like it's theirs - can you imagine that kind of anger?

Can you imagine the anger against those who tried to kill you and have made fun of you and even tried to kill you? You've gone to war with them multiple times. Those are the people that the Prophet ﷺ taught the Sahaba to engage even them with the ethics of war. In other words, you don't go overboard in your anger - you deal with them patiently and you know that the companions were put to the test.

The Treaty of Hudaybiyah: When Justified Anger Erupted

I mean they got to release some of it at Badr, some of it released at Uhud, but by the time we get to Hudaybiyah and the treaty that the companions reached - how frustrated were they? How angry were the companions that now they've made it all the way? They don't even come with weapons. They come all the way to Mecca. They reach this place called Hudaybiyah where human beings aren't even supposed to be there. It's an abandoned field and the way to get there is through burning rocks. Like it's not even a path you travel - people, even animals don't go on that path and that's the path they took to get there because they were afraid of getting attacked.

And Meccans were actually on the attack on the way that the Muslims were going to Hajj and this is in itself enraging because for the Meccans, the people of Mecca, they had one policy: if somebody comes to Hajj, we don't attack them. Because even the mushrik, the idol worshipping tribes, they used to do Hajj too. They used to come for pilgrimage also. But the Meccans had mutual respect from everybody because they're not going to attack somebody who comes for the purpose of worship.

But they even then broke their own constitution and tried to attack - they sent actually back then Khalid Ibn Waleed who wasn't Muslim yet (may Allah be pleased with him) - they sent a battalion with him to try to attack the Muslims on their way to Hudaybiyah, on their way to Hajj. So they have to take another route and literally there's some narrations described as they're making their way to Hudaybiyah they were bleeding because the jagged rocks and the thorns on the path because even animals don't go there were cutting their legs and their shins as they were going. And the shoes were melting off from the burning rock and people's feet were burning as they were going on this path to get to Hudaybiyah - they didn't get there easily.

The Moment of Explosive Anger

And when they get there and they bring all of their animals there for slaughter, then they find out after much back and forth that they can't do Hajj. They have to go back and not only do they have to go back, they have to slaughter the animal and they have to give the meat of that animal to the people of Mecca because that's where the meat is supposed to go. So those people who kept us from doing Hajj are going to eat our animals. That's the first part. We're very happy when the animal is slaughtered - they were not happy when the animal was slaughtered.

So when the Prophet ﷺ told them to shave their heads, take their ihram off, head back - actually that ghayz turned into ghadab, it came out. And for the first time the entirety of the companions - the people

"we hear and we obey" - this is how Quran describes these people - "we hear and we obey." The Prophet ﷺ tells all of them to listen. None of them listen. None of them listen.

So to the point where even Abu Bakr Siddiq (may Allah be pleased with him) who's supposed to be the symbol of the obedience and loyalty to the Prophet ﷺ hears Umar bin al-Khattab - Umar got up and spoke out and he lashed out. Actually, he lashed out at the Prophet ﷺ. He got loud in front of everybody and he even said (أَلَسْنَا عَلَى الْحَقِّ - "Aren't we following the right religion?") Wait, what do you mean? And he even questioned the Prophet.

"Didn't you see a dream? We're coming here and..." The Prophet ﷺ said "I never said this year." But then he could have just said "well if it's not this year, what are we doing here this year?" And he got so mad he said these things and by the way when he said these questions even Abu Bakr can hear him. But usually when Umar bin al-Khattab used to get angry who used to calm him down? Abu Bakr Siddiq, but even Abu Bakr Siddiq said nothing. He said nothing. Then he went to Abu Bakr and repeated the same questions and Abu Bakr said "you better watch it." Then Abu Bakr calmed him down, you know.

Allah's Response to the Companions' Anger

But this is the level and by the way all of this happened - you have to bear in mind that when somebody raises their voice to the Prophet ﷺ or when people disobey the messengers in the Quran, that's not a small thing. Disobeying messengers - and yet no ayat of the Quran came to reprimand those companions for doing what they did. As a matter of fact the Quran that came down to comment on what happened - all of it actually includes some of the greatest praises of those companions ever. It actually compares them to the growing maturing crop, you know at the end of Surat al-Fath. It's an incredible image.

Why though? They were angry - Allah should have said "you shouldn't have gotten angry, you should have obeyed the Prophet ﷺ." Remember in the Battle of Uhud when some of the companions decided to come down from the mount and didn't obey the Prophet ﷺ? Then ayat came:

Ayat came to criticize them but here all of them disobeyed and they were praised.

The Woman in Surah Al-Mujadila: Another Case of Justified Anger

Some times where anger can become overwhelming and it's justified even at that stage. Imagine the woman in Surah Al-Mujadila, the opening of Surah Al-Mujadila that came to the Prophet ﷺ. Started raising her voice: "My husband just told me that I'm like his mother to him now, he won't be with me anymore." This was the jahili way, the ignorant way of giving a divorce to your wife. It wasn't really a divorce but the guy got angry at his wife and said, "from today on you're like my mom. That's what I'm gonna call you." That just means "we're done because I can't think of you anymore, that would be as

disgusting to me as thinking about my own mother." It was a really nasty thing to say. So they did that - he did zihar to her.

And she came complaining to the Prophet ﷺ. The Prophet didn't know what to tell her. He didn't have revelation to answer that question so he remained silent, he said "I don't know what to tell you." And she gets angrier and angrier. She gets louder and louder. And then Quran comes, Surah Al-Mujadila comes and Allah says:

"Allah heard the call of the one complaining about her spouse that came to you, and she complains to Allah. And Allah is listening to the dialogue happening between both of you."

But even then he doesn't say:

He doesn't say "you better be quiet, you better just listen, you better recognize that's the messenger of Allah." No, at that moment, that anger was justified. That was okay. Allah actually took her side.

Understanding When Anger is Justified

When someone's in a desperate situation and their anger gets the best of them, Allah is on their side. When somebody's mazloom, when somebody's been wronged - those sahaba were wronged for many, many, many, many years. It just came out. It came out in ways that they never imagined they would ever do. That's okay.

As a matter of fact, if it hadn't been anybody else, it would have been a riot at Hudaybiyah. "Forget it, we're going to fight. We don't care." The fact that they just didn't obey or didn't take their ihram off at first is pretty amazing. And the Prophet ﷺ doesn't have a giant microphone. There are no water hoses with police to calm the crowd down. A crowd of 1800 to 2000 and they're calmly disobeying - calmly, just expressing their anger. And one or two of them speak out. That's incredible.

That's why Allah actually praises it. Allah does not say you can't be angry, but Allah praises those companions for the way they express their anger. It's an incredible moment in our history. It's something really profound to learn from. Allah does not say you shouldn't get angry. Of course you're going to get angry. When injustice happens, you and I become angry. We become frustrated. But what makes them those mature crop is how they dealt with that anger. Even if for a moment they lost it, they regained themselves, they regained their composure.

The Most Extreme Case: Aisha's Accusation

You've got incident after incident and the final angry incident - just because this first part of this khutbah I really wanted to highlight: it's okay to be angry sometimes. That's okay. You're not a terrible human being if you got angry in certain situations. And this third case I want to share with you which is probably the most extreme case in the story of the Prophet ﷺ - and that's when his own wife was accused of wrongdoing and the entire city of Medina was talking about it.

She herself says everybody was talking about the scandal against her but that didn't bother her as much. Even though she was really sick and crying and sad, sadness was what got to her. She cried so much that she said "my parents thought my liver is going to tear open because I'm crying for two straight days."

The Prophet ﷺ came over to her, sat next to her and he said something to her. He said to her: "If you have done any mistake, if you've even made a little bit of a mistake, then make istighfar to Allah and make tawbah. If you're innocent Allah will prove you're innocent. But if you've made a mistake, Allah will forgive you if you just ask Allah for forgiveness."

So the Prophet ﷺ basically said two things to his wife: if you did it, repent. And if you didn't, Allah will prove that you're innocent. That's what he said. But the fact that it's her husband saying "if..." Anybody else saying "if you did it, if you didn't do it" - your own husband says, "what you mean if? Are you doubting me?"

And she says her tears dried up: "I wasn't crying anymore." That sadness turned into anger. That sadness then converted into anger. And when it converted into anger she turned to her father, to her mother first and then her father: "Can you answer what he just said? Can you please answer him?" The mom: "I swear to Allah, I don't know what to tell him." The father says: "I swear to Allah I don't know what to tell him."

Aisha's Bold Response

There's three people in front of her: the Prophet of Allah ﷺ, her mother and her father. Those are the three people in the room when this incident happened. By the way, if you study Quran, what do you learn? The three people that deserve the most respect: Messenger of Allah and who? Your parents.

"Don't even say 'uff' to them." That's how seriously you're supposed to take the respect for your parents. You can't be angry in front of your parents. You can't even let them see the bulges on your forehead. That's what the Quran teaches about our dealings with our parents.

And all three of them are in front of her and what does she say? "By Allah, I don't even know how to describe you people." She started yelling at all three of them. And then she quoted the Quran and she compared them to the brothers of Yusuf. She says, "the only thing I can say is what Yaqub said to his sons":

"Patience is beautiful, and Allah is the one whose help is sought against what you describe."

Basically, when Yusuf's brothers were describing that he was eaten by a wolf, they were lying, right? And she's put now the same category for them - she's put the three people in front of her in the same category by quoting this ayah. That's pretty serious. That's really serious.

And then she's done talking: "I turned back and I lied down on my bed. I'm done talking to you people." Turning your back to the messenger of Allah, to your parents - it's remarkable what happened. And then ayaat came - 10 ayaat came of Surah An-Nur and none of them criticized our mother Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her). Why? Because there are cases in which anger is justified when ghayz turns into ghadab. It's justified.

The Balance: Not Open License for Anger

But don't use this first part of what I'm sharing with you to justify your anger. I wanted to start with that to give us some license, but not open license. Give myself license, but not open license. Now we get to "just, you know, well, I heard a khutbah and that's it, I'm going back home as the incredible hulk and I'm just gonna..." No, no. What is the balance? Because the Quran always gives us a balanced view. Always a balanced view.

The Story of Yusuf: Controlling Anger Despite Justification

By the way, there was one more incident but since time is running out I'll be very brief with it. It's the incident of Yusufalayhi salam when he was already a minister. He was already in a position of power and all the villages were starving and they used to come to the ministry to get food. They were basically on a kind of food stamp system now. They were on welfare, they couldn't get their own food.

So his own family came and they didn't even recognize him. And now the same people who threw him in a well, his brothers, are in front of him. That's bad enough. He should be angry and say, "oh, now you need help. You know what? I have the power to get you thrown in a well now. I have the guards to get it done." But no, that wasn't even what made him mad.

When he made this scheme that one of his brothers, the youngest brother, should be pulled away because he trusted him and he loved him, and he knew that he was also oppressed, and he held him back and there was these trumped up charges about "he's stolen something," right? When they confronted them about these charges, his own brothers, standing in front of him said "Oh, he stole? Yeah, he had a brother way back when. He used to have a stealing problem too."

Yusufalayhi salam is the minister now, standing in the position and his own brothers are telling him about himself - that he used to be a thief when he was a little kid - lying to his face about him. How angry

would he be? And by the way, Yusufalayhi salam has been kidnapped, he's been thrown in a well, he's gone to prison, he's been a servant, he spent years in jail - he's got lots of reasons to be angry. But Quran never describes he was that angry until here:

"Yusuf contained all the feelings he had against them and he swallowed them all in ghayz." He held it in, he could have said it. He could have lashed out, he could have had them arrested. He could have done anything with them. He had the power to. But he held it in.

The Lesson from Yusuf's Story

What are we learning now? We're learning that Yusufalayhi salam... By the way, the story of Yusufalayhi salam is really important for the Prophet ﷺ because the Prophet ﷺ was in a great position of oppression. He was actually being oppressed. One of the worst years of oppression of the Prophet's life was the year in which Surah Yusuf was revealed and he was in a very helpless state. The family support was gone. Khadija (may Allah be pleased with her) was gone. Abu Talib was gone. Things were looking very very bad for the Messenger of Allah ﷺ.

And it's in that context to give the Prophet ﷺ hope, Allah gave Surah Yusuf. And in Surah Yusuf Allah basically said: "Look, right now you and your followers have lots of reasons to be angry against the people who've done you wrong. But a time is coming where you're going to be in a position to take revenge. And then at that time you should exercise what Yusufalayhi salam is going to exercise."

You know when somebody's wronging you, you're like, "one day... one day when I get a chance, when I do..." You know all these movies - some kid who got beat up then he learned karate. Somebody got humiliated then they went for training and then they came back and then they took revenge. And we've glorified the idea of "one day." And it's all in your head: "one day I'm going to get you back so good." And that drives them and all the progress they make because they want revenge and eventually you want to get them.

Get that out of your head. That's not worth it. That isn't worth it. Why not? Because you are hurt. It is inside you. But ghadab is no good. Ghadab means you want to act it out and you want to inflict harm. If you want justice, no problem:

"Whoever was done wrong and they want to seek revenge - meaning seek revenge fairly - they want to get fair retribution for the wrong that was done to them, you can't make a case against them." You can't tell them, "you must forgive, you shouldn't be upset." No no no, you have the right. Allah says:

The Prophet's Warning About Anger

I want you to listen to these words of the Prophet ﷺ:

"Be very careful about anger, for it is a burning ember that is lit in the heart of the son of Adam. Have you not seen the swelling of his veins and the redness of his eyes?"

The Prophet ﷺ says be very careful about anger. By the way, ghadab also means when a horse is chewing on the mane that's in its mouth. When it's chewing on it, biting it, that's also called ghadab. And ghadab in Arabic is actually smallpox - meaning it's a disease that scratches and itches and you just need to get it out and it's disgusting and it makes you ugly. These are the images of ghadab.

The Prophet ﷺ says beware of ghadab. Beware of this thing that'll make you ugly, that'll make you sick. This want of revenge, this want of getting back at someone - it's gonna make you sick. And then he describes it as a burning lump of coal. It's this burning lump of coal inside of you that burns inside the heart of the son of Adam. These are very profound words.

What Anger Destroys in the Heart

What is inside our hearts? Inside our hearts is gratitude. Inside our hearts is patience. Inside our hearts is iman. Inside our hearts is all the good things that Allah wants to have inside of a human being - belong inside the heart of a human being. If there's a lump of coal burning inside your heart, what's happening to all of those things? They're burning away. All the good that's inside your heart is getting burnt away by anger.

He says watch out for anger. It can burn everything else down. It'll tear everything else apart inside your heart. "Haven't you seen the redness of his eyes?" The Prophet ﷺ describes. "Haven't you seen what happens to his face?" That's actually coming from his heart onto his face. The anger manifests.

The Connection Between Jealousy and Anger

As I conclude I want to share with you why this is so scary. Though anger is justified in some cases, why living a life of anger is so scary. Virtually every disease of the heart Allah describes some kind of cure. But do you understand that what started off... The only disease by the way Allah does not give a cure for is hasad - is jealousy. Even for anger there's a cure. For jealousy there's no cure.

And even though my khutbah today isn't about jealousy, I want to conclude with this: jealousy if it's not contained turns into what? Turns into anger. That is what happened with Iblis. His jealousy turned into anger. That is what happened with Banu Israel. Their jealousy of Rasulullah ﷺ turned into anger. And

when that jealousy turns into anger then it's basically the same disease Shaytan had. There's no going back.

Why Shaytan Doesn't Make Tawbah

Why do you think Shaytan doesn't make tawbah? If the door to tawbah is open for everybody and he knows Islam better than any of us - he was in the company of prophets, all of them, not even one, all of them. He's been exposed to the truth more than anybody else. We have to believe in the angels as the unseen - he's seen the angels. For us it's iman bil ghayb (faith in the unseen). For him it's iman bil shahada (faith through witnessing).

Why won't he just make tawbah? Because jealousy when it turns into anger, there's no going back. There's just no going back. And if there is somebody whose jealousy has turned into anger against you, then the only thing you can do is ask Allah to protect you. That's all you can do.

Conclusion and Supplication

Don't become the person who's angry out of jealousy. And if you have people angry at you out of jealousy or whatever their motives are, just ask Allah's protection.

May Allah give us the ability to control our anger, to not allow that lump of coal to burn the good inside of our hearts. May Allah forgive the anger that we've demonstrated in our past. And may Allah also make us forgiving to those who do become angry for justified reasons.