The Ts of Marriage - HD
By Mufti Menk | 2026-01-11T21:55:47.168804+00:00 | Topic: Marriage
The "T"s of Marriage - Complete Khutbah
Opening
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. All praise is due to Allah, the One and Only, and peace and blessings of Allah be upon Him. We always praise Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala. We send blessings and salutations upon Muhammadsalallahu alayhi wa salam.
It is our duty to do that and we send blessings and salutations upon his family as well. And upon all his companions and those who have struggled over the years to bring this knowledge to us. To convey it in a way that today we are seated here and mashallah we are Muslimin.
So we thank Allah for that. Seeing that this is a session that is a very closed session mashallah and that we have family members here. I decide to do something very informal.
Introduction
I will read from the Facebook page that I have something I sent out today whilst I was in Kuala Lumpur. Because usually when it comes to families, advice is very important. But what type of advice? Because we are Muslimin.
So Islam we know and we are supposed to be following your duties unto Allah that is there. But you have duties unto one another. And we need to be the best of people.
I am usually a person who tries to accommodate as much as possible in terms of people who might not think exactly the way I think. So we thank Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala for that. And I hope you find what I am about to do quite interesting inshallah.
Firstly, it says here and this is something very interesting. If you want your marriage to be to the T. Here are some of the T's to watch out for. So everything I am going to say will start with a T inshallah.
And not only is this for marriage, it can apply in our lives, in everyone's life. If you want to get along with your family members, your in-laws, your spouse, your children, your parents, you need to bear in mind the following.
The "T"s of Marriage
1. Taqwa
Point number one is taqwa. Although it is not an English word, but we know what it means. It means the consciousness of the Almighty. That would include fulfilling all your duties unto Allah.
So your salah comes in place and your Qur'an comes in place, your dress code comes in place, your do's and don'ts come in place in terms of your link with Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala.
2. Trust
Secondly, trust one another. Learn to trust not only your spouse, but trust one another. Give people their free space and let each person trust the other. Whilst we are saying this, it is important for us not to give reason to someone to doubt us.
You know, sometimes a person has a mobile phone. It's a typical example of today's youth. So you find people say, no, learn to trust me. We are trusting you, but every time you hold your phone, you quickly, hey, give me my phone, where's my phone? And you get upset, you are giving them reason to doubt you.
You are giving them reason to think, what's wrong with this guy? What's happening? You know, he's always looking behind his back. Is there something that I need to know? So, for no reason, do not give people, you know, that idea that you are doing something mischievous. Sometimes you try and hide things and that can give the wrong impression.
So, whilst we say you must learn to trust one another, you know, we don't like to spy even on our own spouses. In Islam, if that is your telephone, it is your telephone. Leave it.
You know, you do what you have to between you and Allah. The day my rights are affected, I need to know what is going on, my brother. You know, you are now not even looking towards me, you are not fulfilling my rights.
I want to know what's happening. If my rights are being fulfilled completely, then whatever you are doing with your phone is your business. And it is between you and Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala, I can advise you.
And as my child, I can advise you. If it is a child, I have more rights over the child than sometimes I do over my own spouse. So, we need to know the various degrees of correcting people.
I believe that if you correct someone by convincing them what is right and wrong, the effect of that is far deeper than to force them to do the right thing. So, if I convince my child to leave something bad, he will not do it even behind my back because he is convinced. But if I force him to stay away, the minute I turn my back, he is back there.
This is something that we need to know.
3. Time
Point number three, time. The time spent with one another should be maximized.
(Sahih Muslim Hadith 2055)
- Try and find your home spacious.
MashaAllah, this home, Allah granted even more space. InshaAllah, it is a very spacious home.
I am impressed that the sound is better than some of the masjids in this home. And alhamdulillah, Allah grant us good use of it. And I am sure that it is for this type of thing, where we have tazkirah and we have various points of benefit.
MashaAllah, very nice. I am thinking maybe of installing something, inshaAllah, maybe in my home. So, the time you spend with your family and at home is very important.
Don't waste time outside for nothing. Don't be late to come home unnecessarily. You have work few days, no problem. But everyday sitting with your friends, we don't want that, inshaAllah.
4. Tongue
The next point is the tongue. The tongue must be used to say the kindest words. To say the kindest words. If you have to say something, say the kindest words. So, when I want to talk to you, I must speak with a smile, I must use respect, I must think how am I talking.
Even if you have broken a glass, I can say, my son, don't do that. Next time I say, my son, don't do that. And the third time I might want to raise my voice slightly, just to tell him, look, it's been three times, but we need to do so with love and affection.
No matter what, put yourselves in the shoes of others. There is an issue today where people are very selfish. Each one wants to look at what is there for me in this particular equation.
Not realizing, we as Muslims should ask, what is there for me to give? What am I going to give in this relation? Giving builds a relation. Receiving does not always build. It can, but not always.
Because, you know, they say, marriage is give and take. It does not mean one gives and the other takes all the time. It means you give and take both, inshaAllah, Allah make it easy.
So, the tongue must never be used for vulgar words or for abusive words, hurtful words. You know, someone says, for example, if you tell them, if you go to the shop, the wife says, I like this cutlery. You know, women they like some beautiful things sometimes.
I like this cutlery. You think I should rob the bank in order to buy it for you? Those are hurtful words. Don't say that.
Some people say that, you are very greedy. What are you looking in that direction? Next time I'm not going to bring you here. Why are you saying that? Say, no, mashaAllah, alhamdulillah, it's a good set, mashaAllah.
One by one. Then when she says, are we going to buy it? You can say, mashaAllah, yes, if we need it, we will buy it. What do you think? Do we need it? They will tell you, we have ten sets back at home, but maybe we can do with one more.
So you say, okay, inshaAllah, we will get rid of two sets, then we will buy this one, inshaAllah. There is a way of speaking. How you use your tongue, it is an art.
So make sure that you understand the art of using your tongue. You know why? Everyone has a tongue. So what makes me special? How I use it.
Everyone has a tongue. What makes me special? How I use it. So try it out.
Wallahi, you will be loved by all those around you. Even if you have a difference of opinion, you don't need to scream and say cutting remarks. Speak politely.
One day there was a man, the true story happened with me. He was driving his vehicle and I was driving. So I took over because he was slow.
So when I took over, he started making signs. And he was so angry. Some of these people, they get upset.
Why are you taking over? So we stopped at the traffic light, he was next to me. He was screaming, screaming at my face. He put his window down, screaming.
And I just looked at him and I had a broad smile. Just like this. And I just looked at him.
And after a while, he stopped and he started laughing. Because he realized that this is a waste of time. I'm not going to receive anything.
His idea was to make me angry. But you don't become upset. That reminds me, I need to add to this list.
5. Temper
And that is, something came to my mind now also with a T. That is temper. Control your temper. Make sure that your temperament is always correct inshaAllah.
I will add this later on this evening. And I will say that I thought of it whilst I was talking.
6. Talk and Communication
So, the next point is to talk to one another and communicate properly. We cannot have a house where
people are quiet. You don't talk to me. I'm not talking to you.
What is the problem? I don't know. You know when husband or wife is with a sad face. I need to know why are you sad.
Maybe it's a small headache. But you are not talking to me, so I think so many things in my head. Even the marriage can break sometimes.
Because I start to think, what's wrong? I'm quiet. But did I do something? Did someone phone you and tell you something? What happened? Quiet. That type of miscommunication or lack of communication, Wallahi, it can destroy any relation.
So, communication is essential for a healthy relationship. Very, very important.
7. Truthfulness
Then we have truthfulness. Should not be compromised. Don't compromise. Be a true person. Be honest. Be straightforward. Be upright. Be truthful. InshaAllah, you will find your relations always in order.
8. Tolerance
The next point is tolerance. Tolerance of the differences here and there. What that means is, One day you cook chicken. One day you cook fish. One day you will have vegetable. So what? It does not have to be according to my liking all the time. We have a problem.
You know the Qur'an, Alhamdulillah, it has set rules and regulations. But some people have misunderstood it. When the Qur'an speaks about a man being the man of the home, It does not say that you are not allowed to compromise one or two things, and you are not allowed to give your family any decision making.
You know some people, their friends tell them, Make sure you wear the pants. So he comes home, innocent wife, what a good woman. Such a nice relation.
But he thinking of his friend, his friend says, Who wears the pants? He says, Hey, sit down. Who do you think you are talking to? You want to prove a point to an outsider. So be careful how you speak to one another.
It does not have to be according to you all the time. Let them have their opinions, and let one another. Sometimes it's the other way around, because in today's world, you know women's rights are being shouted out so loudly, that some of the men they feel like they are women, you know.
So sometimes it happens the other way around, where people are being trampled upon by their ladies. It can happen. We need to know, if you want true love, good relation, it is give and take.
We said that before. One day you will decide, one day I will decide. Big deal.
You know, I am a person, I don't like to say what to cook. Cook what you like, I will eat it. I'm not fussy.
We eat this much, and we make a noise, like we will fight for one year, because of that one plate of food. What did you cook today? I'm upset, I'm not good. You are fortunate, you know Domino's is round the corner.
You are fortunate. If you didn't want, you can say, mashallah, very very good. You know, I just need to get something outside quickly.
It's one of those things. But to swear and shout, fight over one small plate of food, wallahi, it's not the quality of a Muslim. So we need to learn in that regard.
9. Thanks and Gratitude
Then we have thanks and gratitude. Always say, jazakumullah khair. Say please when you are talking.
This is manners. In your family, you lose respect when you don't utter please and thank you. You know, min fadlik, can you do this for me please? And then you say, jazakumullah khair.
Allah reward you, Allah bless you, and so on. Good words. That is very important.
10. Thoughtfulness and Tact
Then we have thoughtfulness and tact. In your actions and your words, especially when correcting one another. You correct one another with respect.
And you need to have tact. You know, when you want to do something, don't be too blunt. Sometimes blunt behavior is not very well received.
Sometimes it can cause a problem. You know, if I say, who laid those tables there? You don't even know what you are doing. How can you do it like that? Oh, that's not how you speak.
Even if it is wrong, you don't speak like that. There is a way of speaking. In fact, you can get up and correct it without talking.
That's a better way, without talking. And still by thanking, no, jazakumullah khair, you people did a very good job. I just rearranged a little bit, but you did a very good job.
What's the point of me being the big boss? Today's world is very different. Remember, we are living in an age of television, and internet, and mobile phones and technology. That is the age.
So don't think the norms are according to me and you. The norms are changing. They are according to technology.
You know, on Twitter and Facebook, the people will say, what is a good Malay dish that they cook here? Some food? What? Curry. So someone will say, today I had curry. And the world will say, wow, you know, how was it made? What happened? Three thousand people from across the globe are commenting about one bowl of curry in your house, and they don't even know, sometimes that the salt was more.
But just because you uttered words of this nature, the world is commenting, and everyone is there, they know what happened, they know what is going on. So you need to be careful how you speak, and you need to have tact. People must really be feeling very comfortable in your company.
Because if they are wrong, they will be corrected politely, and if they are correct, they will be acknowledged and appreciated. Do you appreciate those who you live with? It's a question.
There was a boy in my community, and I have a good relation with some of the youth, you know, young people, even some very young, young boys, 10, 12.
One young boy, a little bit mischievous, so I told him, together with some others, that brother, I need you to have an A4 page, on which you write the following words, and you must tick off how many times you use them in your house. What are the words? Jazakallahu khairan, one of the words, please, thank you, and words like these, a list of words. So every week he must come to show me that list, to say, I used it five times this week, I used it six times this week.
The idea is to develop these young children, and you can give them a prize, although he is not affiliated to me, but because he comes to the masjid, and he respects me, we try to help them. So this is just a system. We as adults, ask yourselves, how many times do I use those words with those who live with me, even those who work for me.
I say, jazakallahu khairan, thank you very much, I really appreciate it. I have a habit, when someone, even if you're on an aircraft, or anywhere else, someone comes with something for you, thank you very much, I really appreciate it, you know, and you appreciate it, and you say a few good words, and wallahi, it makes a big difference. Some people, they think, oh, there is a sheikh, that sheikh is just going to sit like this.
Anything comes, just nod his head. You need to speak, if you are Muslim, you have a Muslim name, you have a Muslim identity, you need to speak, inshallah, and make sure that people get the correct words from your mouth.
11. Troublemakers
Then a very important point, troublemakers should never be a part of your friends. Who are troublemakers? They carry a tale from here, and they take it there. They carry a story from there, and they bring it here. Only to carry a story is enough for someone to be considered a troublemaker.
So don't carry tales. You know, tell, they call them, tell tale tits, that's what they call them. Wallahi, very dangerous.
If you have friends like that, it's poisonous. But if you are like that, it is suicide. Allah protect us.
So remember, you don't need to carry every tale. If you want to take a good story, take it. If it is bad, bury it under your toe.
Finished. Make dua for them. Bury it under your toe.
You know, I saw this and that, and you know, this person said this, and that person, relax. Just make dua. If it is necessary, you let someone know, and number two, if it is good, you can let others know as well.
So that is the issue with troublemakers.
12. Technology and Telephones
Then the point, technology and telephones must be used to enhance your relations, not to destroy them. Many people use their telephone to break relation.
Because your telephone, you can access anyone across the globe at any time. Make sure you access the right people. If there is someone wrong, cut it out.
Block. I always tell my friends that you know, a lot of the applications, they have an option to block someone. Whether it is WhatsApp, whether it is Facebook, whether it is Twitter, you can block someone.
So why is there the block button when you are not using it? Block them. Don't worry. Don't say, no, I'm too kind, I won't block.
Block them. They might block your happiness if you don't block them. So it's important, inshallah, that we look at that issue as well.
13. Tea and Meals
Then, the second last point I mentioned, I started with the word, tea. Tea to drink, isn't it? Tea and meals at home with your family is absolutely priceless. Try your best to have your tea, your meals at home, sometimes in the weekend also, you can picnic and so on.
Very, very important to develop your children of today and your spouse, your family, your relations, you know, even if it is big family gathering.
14. Tahajjud Prayer
And the last point we have is, prayer, tahajjud. Tahajjud adds a lot of value and spirituality and it protects us from shaitan.
The reason why I say this is, prayer five times a day, that we pray for Allah. Tahajjud, we pray for Allah. But because it is optional, many of us do not get up.
I'm saying try it. Try. Once a week, try it.
See how you feel. You know, they say, Saturday night, the non-Muslims go to the club, isn't it? Muslims will sleep early to get up Sunday morning, inshallah. For what? For tahajjud.
Try it. Try it. And you will find very big difference in your life.
Very big. Tahajjud. Once a week, we are starting with, you know, it's like an auction.
We are selling a product. They say, if you haven't read, okay, who is going to read once a month? You can answer yourself in your heart. I don't need to know, it was not for me.
Who is going to read once a week, inshallah? And we go ahead, inshallah.
Conclusion
So may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala help us to tolerate one another. I want to end by saying, be the best person you can be, because you are going to die.
Did you hear what I said? Be the best person you are going to be, because when you die, you will leave behind a legacy. And some people will know you, this man was very good. Or they say, this man, he was okay, you know.
He used to swear a lot. He used to really shout us too much. He was doubting me too much. People are waiting for others to die today. You know that. Sometimes people are waiting.
I know, astaghfirullah, Allah grant us cure from our disease. I know of one family, where the wife became sick. So a friend is telling me, I wish that was my wife.
Astaghfirullah. La hawla wa la quwwata illa billah. La hawla.
You understand what he is saying? He has such a bad relation with his spouse, and because of too much talking loudly and shouting, he says, I wish it was my wife. How can you wish your wife was sick? But I learned from that, that this man is waiting for her to die. Imagine.
So Muslims should not get to that level. We need to live in such a way, both sides, all sides, nicely. I tell people, when you are living with your more relatives, you need more patience.
If you have one relative, one bag. Two relatives, two bags of patience. If you have your in-laws, ten bags of patience.
You will live with them happily. You need to work hard. There is no room for laziness.
You will have to do things. The more you sacrifice, the more they love you. All of us.
When we are lazy, people don't like us. So inshallah, we will try our best to be kind to one another, to be patient, to make life easy for those who live with us. Just make life as easy as you can.
Allah will create ease for you. In a few days, we will hear some of these points in some of my talks inshallah. But today I've just mentioned it.
I read it out of my phone. We ask Allah to benefit us. We are hearing adhan.
We will stop there. JazakAllah khair. Shukran shaykh.
Closing Dua
"Our Lord, give us in this world [that which is] good and in the Hereafter [that which is] good and protect us from the punishment of the Fire."
Quran 2:201
"And the last of our call is, "Praise to Allah, Lord of the worlds!""