Ismail ibn Musa Menk Tolerance, Togetherness & Islam

Where did we get it from? I read the verse for you. Allah says, it is indeed by the mercy of Allah that you were lenient. So if Allah didn't have mercy, there would be no leniency.

Subhanallah. And this is why Allah says, if you were harsh and hard-hearted, they would disperse from around you.

The Connection Between Character and Relationships

Take a look at those who lead a lonely life, a lonely life. Sometimes it's because of their character, their nature. I remember a recent problem someone had with their in-laws, and they told me, I really don't mind serving my mother-in-law, she is elderly. I really don't mind serving my father-in-law, he is elderly. But they have a tongue that really chases me away from them. Subhanallah.

And I'm thinking to myself, am I like that? Am I a person who, the way I speak chases people away? If that's the case, surely that togetherness we're talking about is not going to be achieved starting from the home.

So you need leniency in order to achieve togetherness. Because Allah says, if you were not lenient, if you were not soft in the way you spoke, the way you interacted with them, they would have dispersed. Where would you achieve the togetherness that we're talking about? So you want togetherness in your home? You want to fight the loneliness? Be good to people, they will love your company.

They will love it. Because whenever they're with you, it's always good things. If a reminder has to come, it's in the best possible way.

Calling to Allah with Wisdom and Beauty

When Allah says:

"When you're calling towards the path of your Maker, when you're calling towards the path of your Rabb, your Lord, call them with the greatest of wisdom, tact, in a beautiful way. And when you're discussing things, give and take, question and answer, do it in the most beautiful way." Subhanallah.

Do we do that in our own homes? Calling people towards what we want and it's just an instruction. Hey! Give me the water. I said something by the way. It's okay, sheikh. It's okay, I forgive you. He still didn't give me the water.

Can you see? Do you see what happened? He didn't give me water. Subhanallah. I know it's not him. Subhanallah. May Allah forgive us, sheikh. Okay. Don't worry, I'll give you mine if you need it. Even if you're harsh, because some of us are made that way. But my brothers and sisters, you get my point? You can say please.

You can even... If you love someone so much and you're so kind to them, the moment you're looking at the water, subhanallah, they might start passing it to you because they know, oh wow, it looks like they want it. Reminds me of a trip I made to India many years ago. And I have to share this with you.

Because I didn't know traditions and cultures. It's interesting to know people's culture so that you don't offend them. And it's interesting to know people's culture so that you can respond correctly.

[The speaker then shares the story about the blanket and cultural differences in India]

My brothers and sisters, Allah has created us. We need to go out of our way to learn different cultures. To learn about different people. We all enjoy different types of food. Why not the culture? How many of us love Chinese food, but the most you can say is nihao, right? Learn to say a few words.

I promise you, if you speak someone's language, the togetherness will be achieved quicker than you can dream of. Imagine someone looks at you, and subhanallah, they wouldn't dream you spoke hausa, for example. And then you come up, and you start rattling out this hausa, and you look like a pure, for example, Caucasian.

They would say, wow, hey, meh. And they would offer you everything, their food and drink, and they would take you home, and be excited about you, and you're, subhanallah. What happened? We built a relationship.

Fulfilling the Rights of Others

Because we made an effort to appreciate others. The problem with us, we sometimes only appreciate ourselves. And therefore we look at others as though, that's someone else.

No. It's your duty to build the bridge. It's your duty to understand them, because that's why Allah made you.

Allah made you to appreciate one another, to understand that we're different, as a test from Allah. When we go back to Him, He's going to ask us, I made all these creatures, you fulfilled my right by praying five times a day, by, for example, fulfilling what I asked you, by abstaining from prohibitions such as alcohol, and gambling, and pornography, and what have you. But, did you fulfill a whole chapter known as huququl ibad, known as the rights of fellow worshippers? Did you? Have you fulfilled the rights of others?

And this is why, even those who are different from us, Allah says, you need to be kind to them, you need to fulfill their rights, you need to go out of your way to ensure that they understand that you know we are brothers and sisters in humanity, to begin with.

In this verse of surah al-Mumtahina, Allah is explaining to us how He does not prohibit you from being kind and just towards those who have not fought you, they have not driven you out of your homes, they have not been your direct and clean-cut enemies. You have to be kind, you have to reach out, you have to fulfill the rights, you can befriend as well.

Understanding True Islamic Teachings

Subhanallah, people think, you know I'm a Muslim, so the non-Muslims out there, I cannot become friends with them. My brother, you can even marry them under certain circumstances. Do you know that? Wow! How come? Subhanallah. So that means you've understood the verse totally wrong.

You can befriend those who are not Muslim on condition that they have not personally driven you out of your home or fought you directly because in that case, your own mother or father would give you advice as a child to say, listen, be careful this person is going to harm you, don't befriend them.

Don't we tell our children, don't just accept candy from a stranger. Why do we say that? Does that mean that suddenly we've created a huge disaster between us and the rest of humanity? No, we're just protecting ourselves, that's what it means.

But it doesn't mean you become enemies to all strangers. No. You teach your children:

"You will greet everyone, those you know and those you don't know."

The Sunnah of Greeting Everyone

Don't we have a sickness, we only greet those we know. Those we know. And I remember doing a little experiment once when we had the brothers in the masjid, and I could see people greeting, you know, so you're looking, there's 50 brothers between you and the guy you know, and you're bypassing all of them, and you're saying, hey, hey, salam, salam.

So between you and them, someone else thinks you're greeting them. So they say salam, say, no, not you, the other one. And I'm like, hang on guys, hang on.

You're supposed to be greeting everyone:

May Allah's peace and blessings be upon you. It's such a beautiful supplication. May peace be upon you. If that's the case, the angels are saying, may peace be upon you too. Do you know that? Because

whenever you make a supplication for someone, the angels say, O Allah, grant them the same.

Making Good Prayers for Others

So make a good supplication, not a bad one. When something goes wrong between you and someone else to maintain the togetherness, you don't say, O Allah, destroy them. Destroy them for what? Because if that's the case, imagine the angels saying, O Allah, give him the same.

And suddenly your back is hurting. Why? You're being destroyed by your own prayer. May Allah forgive us.

Rather say, O Allah, bless them, grant them, give them, open their hearts, soften their hearts, make them better people, let them learn to love one another, and let me become a part of those whom they love. Subhanallah. And that person really didn't get along with you, they really didn't like you.

And suddenly a few days down the line, they come and apologize to you. Why? You were sincere in your prayer. That's one thing we need to correct tonight.

When you don't like someone, say a good prayer for them, not a bad one. Because that will impact upon humanity. Why is it that we've trained ourselves, you don't like someone, you didn't get along with someone, they did something wrong, first thing we do is we want to destroy them too.

Why? May the Almighty grant us this togetherness.

Building Togetherness at Home

Imagine in your own homes, you have your own children, subhanallah, and you have your own parents. May Allah bless those who don't have children, with children, say, ameen.

Even though they might be in minority, but our hearts go out for them. Wallahi, your sacrifice when you don't have kids, and you really would like to have kids, that sacrifice is one of the reasons inshaAllah that you will be driven to paradise, perhaps before others. May Allah grant you goodness and all of us, ameen.

So, whatever your circumstances are, when people do something wrong, we can break up the home in a flash. And this goes to our marriages too. You know we talk of togetherness, when I saw that word togetherness, I thought to myself, hang on, this starts at home before anywhere else.

People are ready to break their marriage because of a mistake made by the spouse. Done. One mistake, that's it, I'm home. I destroy the spouse. Come on. If we had to destroy people because of mistakes they made, we would all be destroyed today.

Repairing Rather Than Destroying

In your own home, you know, I give the example of a motor vehicle, if your Bentley is damaged with a

scratch, you don't just say, right, I'm going back to my Toyota, subhanAllah. Or you don't just throw it away and say, that's it, out. No, you repair it.

Sometimes, I promise you, ask me about my vehicle, okay, it's not so fancy, mashaAllah. But alhamdulillah, there are so many scratches that only I know about, no one else knows about. No one notices anything until you decide.

It's like when we look in the mirror, every one of us, I think, you see something wrong, you know, there's more hair this side than this side, there's the nose is going this way, and that's happening, and the eyes are like this, and Allah has made you like that. Just say, I love you, alhamdulillah, I'm out, mashaAllah. People will love you for who you are.

You don't need to come and pretend, subhanAllah. You wouldn't mind living with who you are because you know that Allah made you, and you shouldn't mind living with who you are. You should learn to love yourself.

It's the third time I'm saying this, this evening, because a lot of us, it starts within. When you're happy within yourself, when you're happy with yourself, when you come to terms with whom you are, who you are, when you've come to terms with who you are because Allah made you that way and you love yourself for that, you start loving others. You start caring for others, you're happy.

You don't have to look like someone, you look like yourself. So subhanAllah, in a home, we're bound to have things going wrong. Our children will do things that are wrong.

Patience in Correcting Our Children

Correct them in a beautiful way. Recently I had someone whose child did something really nasty. And I said to this person, they're only a child, give them a chance.

Speak to them, it's your duty as a parent to ensure that you reach out to this child because at that age they need to be corrected. They need to be corrected again and again. What is the limit? Well, at times, you know what? The limit is very, very far.

It probably is not even there. If that's your child, you try right to the end. I know of children who've actually become guided after the death of their parents.

And they've seen the light and they've become better people. And I know it's difficult, some habits are very bad. But subhanAllah, don't just break your home.

Don't just kick somebody out, it's your duty. It's the effort that you're going to have to make. If you don't want this problem, Allah might introduce something else in your life that might be more difficult for you to actually deal with.

Dealing with Marriage Problems

The same applies to your spouse. Few minutes we can spend on this inshaAllah. If something is a mistake, learn to deal with it.

When you see the remorse and the apology, you may want to move on without talking about it. That's very good advice to maintain this togetherness.

But if something becomes a habit where you really cannot live with it, it's so oppressing that subhanAllah, it's affecting your life, you may want to take it to another level.

You try to deal with it again and again. And this is the mercy of Allah that, yes, divorce is permissible. The separation is permissible.

And sometimes it's the only way out. When that happens, then let it be. But it's not the first point of stopping.

It's not the first thing you should think of. May Allah make us from those who can actually live together right until the hereafter. Those marriages that have gone through suffering and struggling and worked together through that are far more successful and their relation is far greater than those perhaps who don't even want to tolerate anything from the beginning and not even help.

Not help. And please my brothers, I know it's quite dark out there, but I can see you guys looking at me like, okay, okay. And then you're going to go back home and say, did you hear? You got to tolerate, you got to give us chances, and that's it.

Now you can have your tick off list. Come on. We don't want to use it against one another.

Be normal, be reasonable. And understand that there is a bigger picture.

The Bigger Picture: Building Society

What is the bigger picture? If you work hard on your home with your children, spend more time with your children than you do on your phone, you will be able to contribute towards your society, community, your nation, and it will build humanity.

The problem with us, children are being brought up by what? By the phone, by mobile, by social media, by their friends, they're interacting with all sorts. We have never guided them because we don't even have time. For us, it's all about enjoying.

Enjoying what? What we want. Hang on. Marriage comes with responsibility.

Children come with responsibility because you need to show them the way to live with others whom they differ with. So that we can build a world where we respect each other's difference and celebrate it. If you don't spend time with your children, how will they know that you need to get along with people of different nationalities and races, and that no nationality is superior to another.

We never spoke to them. I recall many years back there was a father who was walking with his child and they saw people of a different race. And the little child began to say bad words.

And the father says, No, that's wrong. And the father called these people, said, please can you spend a few minutes with me, I'd like to teach my child. Perhaps the child has not interacted with people of this race.

And so the father spent a moment explaining to the child how important it is to acknowledge these people because they are very lovely people. And so on. It's a long story, but mashallah the knowledge that I learned from it was, sometimes we haven't even taught our children how to respect people.

Respecting All Workers and All People

You know you have those who are working class. And sometimes you have those who have jobs that are perhaps considered low in terms of salary. But not low in terms of community, because if you didn't have them, your environment might not be that clean.

I always say if you want to know who you are, you got to ask yourself one question. How do I treat the person whom the world considers very low, or the lowest? Do you take a moment to greet the person who's cleaning the street if you're passing them? Do you look at them and, salamu alaykum, acknowledge them? At least a small smile? Make them feel like they're human?

I think a lot of us don't. Not because we're bad people, but because we're not conscious of it. We haven't thought of it. That's a human. One day the tables may turn, and not just one day.

In your own life you might find people who perhaps might treat you, or those around you, or your loved ones in such a way that you wouldn't like to be treated, but you haven't realized you've treated others like that without thinking. Go out of your way.

Yesterday I went into a supermarket, and there is a man in a yellow uniform trying to help me with the plastic bags, you know, packing a few things that I needed.

And I looked at him and I smiled. And I think he looked at me when I greeted him and gave him so much importance, I shook his hand, you know. And he thought I was from outer space.

That doesn't happen. And he just is like swallowing. He said, walaikum salam, walaikum salam, yeah.

And I thought to myself, I said, may Allah bless the soul. May Allah grant him goodness.

True Islamic Character

I'm no one to actually be a role model. The role model is Muhammad (صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّم - sallAllahu alayhi wa sallam). The role model are the sahaba (رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُم - radiAllahu anhum). But the problem is we don't know enough about them.

They were kind even to their enemies, subhanAllah. They were kind even to their enemies, those who didn't like them. And that's the way that everyone came towards the deen of Allah.

Today we're ambassadors of Islam, ambassadors of Allah. But I promise you we chase people away from the deen. We think it's all about salah.

Okay, I fulfilled my salah. It is absolutely important. It's a pillar of your faith.

I do agree. But if it has not improved your character and your conduct, then there's something wrong with your prayer. Your piety shows in your character.

So if your character has not become developed, something wrong with your piety. You think you're pious, but you're not. And how do we know this?

Look at Muhammad (صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّم - sallAllahu alayhi wa sallam).

The Character of the Prophet

When his wife was asked about his character, tell us about the character of this great man, Muhammad (صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّم - sallAllahu alayhi wa sallam). She says:

"His character was the Qur'an."

Meaning he fulfilled everything he had to. He was a beautiful man, loving. When he said, who the best from amongst us is, he added something at the end.

Do you want to hear it? Okay, so he says:

(Tirmidhi 3895)

"The best from among you are those who are best to his wives, his family members." You know the term ahl, it includes your family members, okay? And that's difficult because for our spouses to acknowledge and to bear witness that this person is really a great person, it's not so easy.

I think if you tell your wife, for example, say there's a guy called Mr. John, for example. Say, how's Mr. John? John? You really think you know him? I know him. That's what she would say.

May Allah grant us ease. Let it be such that, no, he's a really good man. Imagine, he says, the best from among you are those who are best to your wives, your children, etc., etc.

The only point the men pick up from that is the plural of wife, astaghfirullah. That's it, and they stop there. Did you hear the hadith? It says wives. You hear that? You've lost the plot. Come on, clean your mind up, subhanAllah. Clean your mind up, may Allah forgive us.

And this proves something. Shaykh, you know what happens? When you talk, people pick up what suits them. And so they say, you know what, you only support the women.

No, I think you're deaf. Maybe you don't take the time to listen. You can come up with something too, subhanAllah.

And then the women will say, no, you only support the men. The idea is, no, it's balanced, but we take automatically without realizing what suits us. So here the hadith says, the best of you are the best to your wives and children.

He ends by saying:

(Tirmidhi 3895)

"And I want to guarantee you that I'm the best from all of you to my own family members." Wow! SubhanAllah. That was Muhammad (صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّم - sallAllahu alayhi wa sallam).

And I think we need to go and look at his life more and study how he spoke to his family members and how he addressed others and how he interacted with them. Allah says in the Qur'an:

"Indeed, you are upon a very great level, the greatest level of character and conduct that man could ever get to." I need to work towards that.

Following the Prophet's Example Completely

I claim to be a follower of this messenger, but I only follow again what suits me. Where it doesn't, I don't. Let's try our best to become people who can learn to appreciate others.

Like I said, it starts off in the house, and the circle continues. At our workplace, first few days you go, and you think, wow, these people don't like me. Do something about it, they will like you.

And be respectful, reach out to others. I find in my life that a smile actually does more than you think it does. Wallahi.

And that's why when I go back to the hadith and I read about how important it is and how big an act of charity it is to smile, and I start thinking, wow, if only we could smile. Subhanallah. It's not so easy to do that when you have braces by the way, but you have to, you must, subhanallah.

It breaks a lot of ice. It says so much about you. You know, we have people who interact with us at our workplace and we just look at each other.

And that's it. Even the expression on the face is so gloomy. And then we want togetherness.

May Allah guide us.

From Tolerance to Respect

Let's talk about tolerance a little bit. Tolerance is a word that sometimes I feel is the basic.

You know when you have a vehicle, you have that which has no extra specs, you know, nothing, it's just the car. Everything is normal. It's got no extras.

But then you have a top spec, which goes way beyond that. And the value of the car increases the more the specs are. So, to say I tolerate you, let's be honest, what does that mean? That means it's very hard.

I really wouldn't like to, but I'm gonna tolerate you. I don't know if I'm wrong, but that's what I get when I say tolerate. I'm tolerating the brother, for example, he didn't pass me the water.

I'm tolerating him, tolerance. It's good, because we're still sitting, we're still laughing, we're still okay, etc. But I can tell you a higher level, something we need to get to that people don't talk about.

Respect. I respect you. That is way better than tolerating you.

Because then I'm teaching myself and others that you have the right. Allah is the one who's going to judge you at the end of the day. Even if you belong to another faith.

Guess what? I respect you, and I respect the difference. You are a human. You are a person who's entitled just as I am.

I'm convinced by something, you're convinced by something else, I respect you. I will continue speaking to you respectfully, and you have every right to continue to speak to me respectfully. And at the end of the day, I will firmly believe that what I have is correct.

And I firmly believe, for example, that you have the right to believe what you have is correct. That's respect. I've respected you.

And I will get along with you. I will fulfill your rights. And I will ensure that within my heart, I'm not filled with hatred against you for the mere choice that you've made.

Like I said, it does not contaminate the difference we have. And this is where people don't understand. People think, oh, are you trying to say that all religions on the earth should just become one big religion.

No. That's exactly the opposite of what we're saying. What we're saying is to be able to respect people who have chosen totally differently.

Subhanallah. It's not easy. But that's what will actually contribute towards our development.

No Compulsion in Religion

You know, Allah says:

"There is no compulsion when it comes to entering the fold of Islam." You cannot force someone to be a Muslim. You cannot force someone into submission.

No. You keep on discussing. You keep on talking.

It has to be done with respect. Look at the duty of the messenger Muhammad, peace be upon him. Allah says:

"The duty of the messenger is nothing besides conveying the message."

And the guide is from Allah. Allah is the guide. He will guide.

So, I must learn to respect people. And I must learn to appreciate and acknowledge people.

Personal Example of Respecting Others

I give you my own example. We develop as the years pass, don't we? As we age, we become more settled. We start looking at things differently. We mature in our outlook and so many different things.

And we start realizing that, you know, perhaps back in the day we might have been looking at things from a little bit of a hard angle and so on. You know what? I've noticed and I've realized that when you greet people or when you acknowledge people or reach out to people who are different from you, even a different faith, what happens? You actually feel so good because you know you did it for the sake of Allah.

When I'm good to you, am I doing good to you because I want good back from you? If the answer is yes, that's just a business deal.

But if I'm good to you because Allah loves those who do good, then I've developed myself. So whether you do good back to me or not is irrelevant. I will still do good to you.

So many times in the Quran Allah says, "Indeed, Allah loves those who do good." That's why I do good.

I was traveling three days ago, Johannesburg. And in front of me was a Jewish family, all traditional clothing, everything happening, mashallah. The little Jewish hat worn. And they looked at me because one of their children jumped the queue in order to get to the rest of the family.

And the mother looked back and said, "Sorry." I said, "No, not at all." I said, "I've got so many kids, I'd love if someone actually allowed them to do that." I said, "It's okay."

And they just looked at me because why? I was dressed the way you see right now. And subhanallah, these are Jewish people. Subhanallah, I fulfilled their rights as human beings.

The Prophet's Example with Non-Muslims

Subhanallah, respect these people. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) stood up when there was a janazah passing. And someone said, "But ya Rasulullah, this is a Jewish person." He said, "Isn't he a human?" Subhanallah.

It's the respect. If someone has harmed you, and harms you, and attacks you, and keeps on attacking you, and really has no value for you at all, it is every right that you have to stay far away from them, even if they were Muslim. You follow my point? Even if they were Muslim.

How many of us stay away from certain people because we've been robbed, we've been cheated, so many things have gone wrong. We stay away from certain people. And they're Muslim.

Sometimes they may even be related to us. But remember when you stay away from people, it's not because their faith is different, it's not because they belong to a different race. Primarily it's because of something they may have done to you that was detrimental, and you need to save yourself from the harm.

That's what it is. So we should never think for a moment that Allah has instructed us to hate people of a different faith. He has not.

The Reward of Guiding Others

If anything, He has taught us that if through you and the way you carried yourself, a single person is guided towards Allah, it's better for you than anything material that this world has to offer you:

(Bukhari 3009)

What is (حُمْرِ النَّعَمِ)? It was the red camel, the most expensive of the conveyance at the time. Amazing.

So the Almighty says quite clearly, if you were to be used to guide someone, it's better for you. So therefore, learn to interact with people, learn to appreciate people, and learn to be from among those

who can convey a good message while contributing to humanity.

Conclusion: Achieving True Togetherness

In this way, we will be able to achieve the togetherness that we spoke about this evening. We will also be able to achieve respect. And when you respect others, they will respect you in return. And you have a beautiful world that you have contributed towards.

And at the same time, you have not lost your Islamic identity. What a beautiful topic. Your Islamic identity is intact, you don't need to be ashamed of it, but you need to portray the true teachings, you need to be learning more and more, and you need to be fulfilling and practicing.

And remember, religion is not filled with hate. If you are filled with hate, what you have is not religion. We spoke about that right at the beginning, I hope you haven't forgotten.

By the way, may Allah grant us all goodness and ease. I've spoken for an entire 46 minutes. And I pray that the Almighty bless every one of us.

Beautiful weather out here in this lovely city of Dubai. And may Allah grant us cleansing of the heart. And may we get up from here totally forgiven by Allah.

"I conclude with these words, and may Allah send His blessings upon our Prophet Muhammad."