Ismail ibn Musa Menk The Fortunate Muslim Family

The Fortunate Muslim Family

Introduction

In the name of Allah, the most gracious, the most merciful. السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبراكاته )Peace be upon you and Allah's mercy and blessings). I will commence with a short recitation of the Quran for purposes of barakah and that's the usual way that I'd like to start off. What it does for me is it gets me into the right mode, inshallah (أعوذ بالله من الشيطان الرجيم بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم) I seek refuge in Allah from the accursed Satan. In the name of Allah, the most gracious, the most merciful).

The Challenge of Modern Society

Today, society constantly pushes boundaries of what was once considered inappropriate. What was taboo yesterday becomes normal today, and what's taboo today will be normalized tomorrow. If we have given in and caved in to what is considered taboo in our times, we need to worry about our children. They will surpass that. They will go beyond that. They may then give in or cave in to that which is considered taboo at that particular time, which will be far worse than what we have been considering taboo all along.

For that reason I say it's very important to instill values amongst your children. Most of us think life is here to enjoy and have fun, not realizing Allah has created you in a specific way.

"I am placing on the earth a Khalifa." The meaning of the term Khalifa includes those who will come one after the other, who will be succeeded, and who will be successors. You are there, after a time your children will be there, you will be gone, then they will be gone, and their children will be there, and so on.

Our Limited Time and Responsibility

We need to realize that I don't have much time in this world. So in that short time, let me prepare the future generation, and let me lead by example, and let me continue in life in such a way, that when I am gone, those whom I have left behind, will remember me for the goodness that I have brought forth, and not for the evil.

The way we handle ourselves in life, especially within marriage, affects how people remember us. Some people make life tough for their daughters-in-law, mothers-in-law, and others, creating animosity in homes. When such people die, instead of "rest in peace," people might say, "they should have died a long time ago."

The Importance of Leadership in the Home

In Islam, a successful mother or father is the one who has nurtured the children in a beautiful way, leading by example. The external environment plays a bigger role in shaping the child nowadays than the internal environment. We need to guide our children as to the type of friends they should be having, with responsibility.

The Problem of Absent Parents

Sometimes we're too busy at work. A typical father comes home and doesn't even greet properly. He sits in front of the television and flicks channels. The children say, "Oh dad, welcome home," but you're just looking at the screen. This is not a Muslim home.

You need to realize your responsibility. Spend or have one meal with your children a day - it's worth more than 10,000 US dollars. You can sit, learn table manners, but at the same time talk, speak, let them open up about their day.

Proper Communication with Children

Do not blast a child when they come up with some negativity, but teach them. You engage them in discussion. Sometimes we don't have the time to engage our children in discussion, but we've got the time to think up how to expand our business. What's the point of a successful businessman when his house is totally out of order?

When your child comes up with something negative, in order to maintain the home and protect it from fragmenting, you need to communicate with the child, engage the child in a beautiful discussion. Spend the time.

Being a Role Model

If your child has a role model in the house, they are watching you 24-7. Whereas when they have a role model outside the house, they only see them once in a while. If they are watching you 24-7, and you are the role model, they know how to wake up, eat, drink, dress - they've watched it all from you.

Sometimes adults have statements that are not befitting a mother in the home, and the children are listening. They actually go one higher with even worse statements. When your children see that the two of you love each other properly, and respect each other, it automatically enhances their confidence.

Resolving Problems Away from Children

In Islam, we are taught that when you have a problem, do not resolve it in the presence of your young children. Don't involve them in it. A lot of people have mom and dad screaming and yelling and swearing, and the children are just looking. They might go to their room, lock it and start crying.

Choosing a Spouse

When we have to choose a spouse, there are people who ask, "Why weren't you here 20 years ago?" It's fine. If you've already done it, we can rectify. But we have to talk to those who have not yet chosen the spouse.

The Islamic Guidelines for Marriage

The hadith says there are several things that people look at when choosing a spouse:

. المال Al-mal) - wealth

. الجمال Al-jamal) - beauty

. الحسب Al-hasab) - status

. النسب )An-nasab) - lineage

. الدين Ad-deen) - religion

(Bukhari hadith 5090)

"Become successful by selecting the one with religion, with character and conduct coupled with deen."

Another narration says:

"When a proposal comes from someone whom you are satisfied with their level of deen and character, then allow them to get married."

The Importance of Character and Religion

The hadith doesn't say "Do not look at looks." You see all the points you want to see, but give the tip of the scale to the deen. If you have someone who's beautiful but they don't have any deen, and someone who is good-looking with better deen, it is better to compromise the looks to a certain extent and make sure the religion is intact.

There will come a stage when that blemishless face will develop wrinkles. If you have loved the outward face, you will not be able to get along with that person. But if you have loved the interior, it only blossoms as time passes. With the wrinkles of the face, the wrinkles of the heart disappear.

Health and Attraction in Marriage

Because of television and media bombardment, you have certain shapes that are acceptable and certain shapes that the media has made you believe are unacceptable. No matter what size you are, someone somewhere will definitely feel attracted to that. Allah has created us differently.

We should be healthy and concerned, but not to the point of depression. The beauty of a man is more in his character and conduct than anything else. If you have a man who's mediocre looking and his character is brilliant, he attracts much more than a person whose character stinks and who might be very muscular and handsome.

The Danger of Wrong Choices

When a person marries someone whom they have seen not dressed properly - perhaps in a nightclub, at a party, doing something wrong - and that has attracted them, problems arise. Sometimes the woman later realizes she needs to develop spiritually and wants to start covering her hair. The husband says, "That's not the woman I married."

If you don't dress appropriately and allow someone to love your outer looks, you become enslaved by that forever. It may block you from developing religiously.

The Wedding and Its Significance

We are taught to attend the nikah, to witness marriages. It is sunnah to have it in the masjid.

"Try and have it in the masjid."

Islam has made marriage very easy. One of the reasons is to not block our children from getting married. Don't you want to protect them from sin when nikah is so easy? You can put in your rules and regulations saying if we get a nikah done, you will not live with one another until you complete your studies, but the link you have now is halal.

Learning from Weddings

When we attend nikah ceremonies, we should ask ourselves: "When I was there so many years back, how excited was I? Today, now 20 years, 10 years, 5 years, 50 years later, am I as happy, or happier, or not as happy?" The answer will help you rectify the problem.

Daily Expression of Love

We are Muslims - we don't wait for Valentine's Day. Every day is a day where you express love, show dedication, and fulfill duties. The hadith says:

"To smile at the face of your fellow Muslim brother is charity."

Don't you think it is greater charity to smile at your own spouse?

"The best from amongst you are those who are best in their homes with their wives and children."

The Foundation of Marriage: Consciousness of Allah

There is something known as khutbatul haja, which is normally read at nikah ceremonies. The imam says: "O people, be conscious of your Maker who has created you from one soul and who has created from that soul its spouse, and from the two of you, He has caused mankind to spread on earth."

If we are conscious of our Maker and conscious that Allah has created for us a spouse from us, and conscious that we have a duty towards our offspring so mankind can spread in a dignified manner throughout the earth, what will go wrong in your marriage? You find there will be no flirting, no swearing, no fighting.

Helping with Household Tasks

"Utter that which is upright."

The Prophet used to help with chores in the house. He assisted with milking the goats as well. There was once a man who complained about his wife not cleaning properly. I told him, "No problem. All you've got to do is pick up the hoover and show them how it's done."

Appreciating Your Spouse

There are sometimes in the home when we do not appreciate our spouse both ways. The man goes out to work, he is tired. Understand him. And appreciate that the man has gone out, trying his best, bringing in money so you can live in this house with such a vehicle, perhaps a driver and cook.

When you have a meal made by your spouse, remember sometimes it takes long. She might get a recipe from her friend. It took her one month to get the recipe. She came into the kitchen, got the ingredients, went to shops and malls, brought in all the cooking items, made great effort.

The Power of Words

When we come in, how we say "What's the smell?" changes everything. If said negatively, it means stink. If said positively, it means scent. How you talk in the home will develop your home. It will protect it from breaking.

The Prophet teaches us about expressions. A smile is a curve that brings everything straight. We are very fast with expressions on the face with outsiders. Come home and it changes. Look at yourself in the mirror.

Romance in Islam

I've explained that Aisha describes how the Prophet was romantic in his home to the degree that he used to drink water from exactly the spot where she drank from, and he would watch her to see that she was watching. When they ate meat, the Prophet watched where she bit from and took it and bit exactly where she bit from.

That wife will melt! And that is something Islamic. Islam is a religion, but we are taught to be romantic with the right people. Today we can be romantic with all others, come home, everything is gone.

Communication and Conflict Resolution

"Utter that which is upright."

Ninety percent of marital problems are connected to how you use your mouth. We have not been able to to use it correctly. There is a drought when it comes to good words and a flood when it comes to swear words.

When you raise your voice in the home, your value is dropped forever. Either way, respect one another. Understand one another. Speak to one another in a beautiful manner.

Speaking Words of Reassurance

You need to say words to your spouses and children of reassurance. You love your child, let him hear it every day. The next time he wants to do something bad, he will say, "My dad really loves me and I don't want to let him down."

Some fathers will never utter those words to their children: "My daughter, I love you. You are the most special gem in my life." It gives her reassurance, makes her feel belonging, gives her so much to be happy about in life. It solves half her problems just because she's hearing reassuring words.

Stages of Conflict Resolution

When we have to solve problems in marriage, the Quran has provided methods:

Stage 1: Direct Communication

Talk to your spouse directly. Don't bottle things in for years. Before you go to bed, solve your matters. Have a big heart and become responsible people. Admit your guilt.

"O You who has only shown that which is beautiful and hidden everything embarrassing and ugly."

Stage 2: Temporary Separation

If direct communication doesn't work, a slight separation may help. You are within the same home, but you might want to think over your relation. In separation, mix with the right people. Your best friends are those who are hard on you - they tell you what you do not want to hear.

Stage 3: Family Mediation

Bring in someone respectable from your side whom you trust, and whom you will accept their solution. She brings in a party from her side. The two get together, discuss the problem, and present the solution.

"If the intention of both parties is to solve the problem, Allah will help, and the matter will be solved."

But if one party is trying to prove the other was wrong, you won't find a solution. Put the past behind and promise from today to start a new leaf.

Stage 4: Divorce as Last Resort

If after mediation you still find problems reappearing, then Allah has permitted divorce as a last resort. Islam has a middle path - it is not something you should play with and not something the Almighty loves, but as a solution to protect you and your sanity, it has been allowed.

Common Issues That Break Homes

Time Management

If you don't spend time with the right people at the right times, you may destroy your home. Some people don't have time for their wives, working every day from morning to evening. Come weekends, they're on shift. You also need a break. Your wife and children also need you.

Trust Issues

Some people don't trust their spouses for every small thing. Suspicion and doubt is a cancer that doesn't have a cure besides chemotherapy by the person himself. If you are a suspicious person, you are sick. Don't suspect and don't want to know everything.

Don't believe anonymous callers. Someone calls anonymously saying your spouse is doing something wrong - if they were brave enough and loved you, they would come with their name and face. The Quran says when someone comes to you with news, authenticate it thoroughly before you believe it.

Maintaining Islamic Boundaries

When someone visits your home, there is a line, a limit, which you and they will not cross. You don't just

sit and laugh and giggle with someone's spouse up to two in the morning when the spouse is sleeping. Even if two people were good and innocent, shaitan is very bad.

Do not give reason to someone to doubt you. While we say you must trust one another, do not give reason for them to doubt you.

Dressing Appropriately at Home

In Islam, it is more important for a Muslim to dress in the most attractive way within the home than when leaving the home. Today we do the opposite. We dress up well when leaving home and stay in cooking clothes when our spouse comes home.

Imagine every time your spouse comes home, you are best dressed, looking proper and smart, smelling good, and you come in with that smile - the same smile you give people at work. Its effects will be far greater and will be halal as well.

Dealing with Religious Growth

What about when one spouse becomes more religious? If a person is not reading their salah at all, either from the beginning you were both reading salah, or you need to show your spouse the same light you saw. Talk to them. You can start with "at least read your fajr, at least read your dhuhr," and gradually work toward all five prayers.

(Tirmidhi hadith 2414)

"Whoever pleases Allah and in the process incurs the wrath of the people, Allah will love that person and very soon the people will also love that person."

(Tirmidhi hadith 2414)

"Whoever pleases the people and in the process displeases the Almighty, the Almighty will be displeased with that person and very soon the people will also be displeased with that person."

Tolerance and Perfection

Tolerance in marriage is very important. When you are a perfectionist, you put pressure on your marriage. Do not be a perfectionist when it comes to the inside of your home. Your spouse is only a human being. She cannot make sure everything is 100% perfect.

A man is brought up totally differently from his wife in a different home. The woman gives up absolutely everything to come and live with the man. Then he wants to perfect everything. Nothing is going to be perfect. If the world was perfect today, we wouldn't be sitting here discussing how to help marriages.

The Broader Picture

We have a beautiful religion. We can achieve a fortunate Muslim family - it's not impossible. It's beautiful. But we need responsibility, and we need to protect ourselves from all the different magnets around us that are pulling us toward negativity, by staying in the center and creating positivity.

Be happy with what you have at home, and be happy with your spouse and your children. Spend time with them. The best feeling you could have is when your children rush to you and hug you: "Oh, dad, I missed you."

May Allah bless our homes. May this be a means of resolving matters for those suffering turbulence. May Allah grant us understanding of one another and of His laws. May He make us responsible people, and may He give us every reason to smile.

(السَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللَّهِ - Peace be upon you and Allah's mercy)