The Ego Factor

The Ego Factor

Speaker: Sheikh Mohammed Faqih Event: IlmFest | AlMaghrib Institute

Opening

May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala bless you, alhamdulillah, wa salatu wasalamu ala rasoolillah, sallallahu alayhi wasallam.

I have a confession to make, ironically. I chose a topic that is a little complicated, maybe too heavy, so I'm just going to say something simple about it and talk about one aspect of it.

But when I chose this topic, I didn't know that I was going to be the last session of the day. And I thought it was very important. But then when I saw myself on the schedule, when the schedule came out, and I saw that it was going to be the last session, the last lecture, I was like, I have never had, you know, this is like a very important spot. The last lecture is usually what people wait for, right? You keep your, like you save the best to be the last thing.

So I was like, it got to my ego. And I was like, wow, I'm the last speaker of the day. You know, I've never had that spot. Usually it's reserved for people like Sheikh Omar Suleiman. So anyways, I was like, great. And then when I walked into the room, I was like, my ego is really being tested right now.

So I really want to tell you that I'm very grateful that you stayed. I feed off the energy that I get from my audience, and I really, really appreciate your dedication and your staying here. You are my heroes tonight.

You made my day. Thank you very much. May Allah bless you.

Understanding Ego

What is Ego?

What is ego? You know, something that many people try to explain, and the more they try to explain it, what happens? It becomes very, very ambiguous and elusive. Some people tell us that it's something bad that you need to get rid of. Yet when we look at what ego is, we're told that it's your sense of yourself or the I in you.

It's you, right? And your perception of yourself or what you are worth or how you're perceived, right? And it could be, well, for most people it's very inaccurate. It's not accurate how we perceive ourselves.

Why This Topic?

The reason I chose this topic, and yesterday I talked about forgiveness, the power of forgiveness, is because I have noticed that many of our conflicts and issues that we have, whether it's with ourselves or with our loved ones or issues that we have with our society or things that we have against anyone.

And to be quite frankly, also issues that people have against their Creator, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. And there are more and more people just getting really, really agitated and angry and upset. And there's a lot of despair in the world.

And I like to help myself and people reconcile with themselves, with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala most importantly, with their loved ones, and with everything around them, right? Find peace and resolve many of these conflicts that we have. So yesterday I spoke about forgiveness for a very, very short period. It was a very short lecture.

And today I chose to talk about one of these elements that I think are key in resolving many of these conflicts that we have.

The Problem with Focusing on Others' Egos

So I'm going to skip that and talk about one area that I wanted to focus on that can help us. Because usually we're very obsessed with people's egos.

We say, this person has a big ego. My husband has ego. My wife, she's got serious ego issues.

It's the ego of someone else, yet in reality it's really your own ego. When people, when you consider yourself a victim in every single situation, you're not a doer. You're someone that was done to, right? When you want validation, you're not going to get anywhere.

When you look at other people and you judge them, yet you don't like to be judged, but you judge people.

The Key: Understanding Human Nature

I thought that if we can focus on one of the elements that I wanted to bring up tonight, which is human nature. Just understanding yourself as a human.

Giving yourself a break. Giving others a break. Understanding that other people are humans as well.

Everyone is Human and Flawed

Your parents are human beings. They're flawed. They're meant to be flawed.

They were created flawed. Your spouse is not perfect. Your children, they're not perfect and they will never be perfect.

And stop trying to make them perfect. Stop pushing them to be everything that you want them to be or everything that you wanted to be. Because they're not going to be.

When you are so hard on yourself and you can't even manage to forgive yourself. And you are angry at yourself and you forget that you are a human. You're flawed.

You have deficiencies. Reconcile with yourself. Forgive yourself and learn to perceive yourself as you are.

The Quran as Our Resource

And I thought that one of these most helpful resources that we have is the Qur'an itself. Because it talks to us.

The Qur'an told us.

When Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala told us about human nature. The good and the bad. Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala in the Qur'an was saying that human beings have the capacity to do such and such.

And the responsibility to do such and such. Praising human beings. And saying that human beings are honored.

And at the same time the Qur'an is very pragmatic. Very very practical. And it's a very honest book.

It's a very honest book. The dishonesty doesn't come from it. It comes from us.

From the way we read it. From the way we approach it. From the very selective engagement that we have with the Qur'an.

When we only look for what we want to be validated. So the Qur'an tells us that humans are weak. The Qur'an tells us that we as human beings have issues.

So remember that. And you're dealing with human beings. And again I'm not saying make excuses for everybody.

All I'm saying is just remember that you're dealing. Whether it's yourself or someone else's ego. You're dealing with something that is flawed.

Even if you think or if the other person thinks that they're perfect.

What the Quran Tells Us About Human Nature

So what does the Qur'an tell us? Right? Real quick.

1. We Have Ignorance

Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala tells us that human beings, right, we have ignorance.

Right? We make ignorant decisions. Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says:

Right? No matter how enlightened, no matter how bright one might be. There are a lot of things that actually what we don't know is by far greater than what we know.

Right? So remember that. The other person has jahal, has some ignorance. Don't expect people to see things the way you see them.

Don't expect people to see you the way you see yourself. The way you see yourself could actually even be inaccurate to begin with. You may think of yourself to be something that you really are not.

2. We Were Created in a State of Anxiety

Another aspect of human nature is Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says:

We were created in a state of anxiety.

We panic.

We're greedy. Right? We have this working against us. So remember, state of anxiety.

Understanding Parental Anxiety

You know one thing that many children don't understand is the level of anxiety that they cause their parents.

And it's not their fault. It's not their fault.

But it would help if they understand how a parent feels about a child. You know, knowing what I know now, I wish I have a chance to go back. Because my father used to say to me, You don't know what you do to us.

And I was a good child. Believe me, I was a good child. But he's like, You don't know what you do to us.

And it's not you, it's just you're trying to find your way in this world. You're just being yourself. But had I known, I would have been a little more courteous.

And he used to say, There are certain things that you won't know until you have children. You wouldn't know. There is a level, brothers and sisters, I'm gonna tell you this.

Those of us who are blessed to have both or one of our parents, remember this. There is a level of vulnerability that comes with being a parent. You can take certain things.

You yourself can take certain things. But you won't be able to bear these things happening to your own child. And that's why it's not appropriate to attribute a child to Allah.

There's a level of vulnerability that comes with being a parent. So just understanding that. That we are susceptible to this.

We're weak. We were created in a state of anxiety as human beings. We have greed.

Call to Action: Study the Quran on Human Nature

These things are in the Qur'an. I can't give you the references just for the sake of time. But please look them up.

Go and look up. This is what I want you to do. If the only thing I'm able to accomplish tonight is just to tell you, Go back to the Qur'an.

Look up what the Qur'an says about human beings. And how much of that is true with you. And try to understand other people with whom you may have some kind of conflict or misunderstanding in the light of these verses.

In the light of what Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala said about other humans. And stop blaming it on their ego. For what is speaking to you is actually your own ego.

Closing

I say this and ask Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to make you and I of those who listen and follow the best of what they listen to. I love you all.

Key Takeaways

1. Understanding ego - It's your sense of self, often inaccurate in how we perceive ourselves

2. The real issue - When we focus on others' egos, we're actually dealing with our own ego

3. Human nature is flawed - Accept that you, your parents, your spouse, your children - everyone is human and imperfect

4. The Quran teaches us about ourselves:

• We have ignorance )جَهُولًا(

• We were created in anxiety )هَلُوعًا(

• We panic when evil touches us )جَزُوعًا(

• We're withholding when good comes to us )مَنُوعًا

5. Reconciliation begins with understanding - Give yourself and others a break by recognizing our shared human weaknesses

6. Action step - Study what the Quran says about human nature and apply it to understand yourself and others better

7. Stop the blame game - What you perceive as others' ego issues is often a reflection of your own ego

Reflection Questions

• How often do I judge others while disliking being judged myself?

• Do I expect perfection from myself and others, forgetting that we're all flawed humans?

• Am I giving myself a break and forgiving my own shortcomings?

• How can understanding human nature help me resolve conflicts with loved ones?

• What does the Quran teach me about my own human weaknesses?