Burning House An Insight Into Family Crisis by

Burning House: An Insight Into Family Crisis

By Sh. Mohammed Faqih

Opening

(بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّحِيمِ - bismillahir-rahmanir-rahim)

السَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللَّهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ

Introduction

Welcome to this discussion. Again, it's not a lecture, it's a discussion. It's not a lecture where I'm just going to share with you a bunch of information and want you to take it and maybe have a little dialogue, but rather it's more of a lengthy discussion, work in progress.

So I want you to bear with me and of course feel free to ask any questions. Today, tonight what I wanted to discuss, this is part two of a series of reflections on Quranic verses that address family or family relations. And what I wanted to focus on tonight is elements of, the destructive elements that threaten the stability of a household or that lead to the destruction of a household.

Main Body

The Parable of the Spider's Web

So let's begin with a very interesting verse in the Quran and tell me what kind of observations you can, or what kind of reflections you would have. Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala in the Quran in Surah Al-Ankabut, Surah 29, verse 41 says:

"The example of those who take allies other than Allah is like that of the spider who takes a home. And indeed, the weakest of homes is the home of the spider, if they only knew."

Allies meaning they worship them, they seek help from them. And this is specifically referring, again this is a parable or a metaphor that the Qur'an that Allah uses, equating those who worship idols or worship any deities other than Allah to the specific example given in this verse.

So Allah says that the example of these people who take allies, who seek help and guidance and blessings from other than Allah is like the example of Al-Ankabut, the spider. And specifically Allah says Al-Ankabut (اتَّخَذَتْ بَيْتًا - ittakhathat baytan) - the spider who takes a home. If we want to be gender specific, the female spider that builds a home. Or we know the home of a spider is called spider web, right? Then Allah says (وَإِنَّ أَوْهَنَ الْبُيُوتِ لَبَيْتُ الْعَنكَبُوتِ - wa inna awhan albuyuti labaytu al'ankabut) - And indeed the weakest of homes is the home of the spider.

The meaning interpreted by classical scholars is very obvious, right? Allah or the verse is using an example that we see almost every day depending on where you live, right? You see spider webs, sometimes you come out of your home, you're walking to your driveway and you run into a spider web, right? It happened overnight. But obviously the spider web looks what? Spider web looks very weak, right? You can just remove it, wipe it, right? It's weak.

So this is the classical interpretation that those who rely upon other than Allah, they rely and they take as deities other than Allah, they put their faith and listen to this - They put anyone that puts his or her faith in anyone other than Allah, it's like someone, it's like that spider that thinks that her web or her home is invincible. And then the first person that passes through that place, right? Can just remove it.

So this is the obvious example. But there is a very interesting discovery made recently, right? By, what do you call people who study insects? Entomology. You know who is an entomologist that we have here in the community that comes here frequently? Dr. Imad Bayoun. He's going to be here next week. So Dr. Imad Bayoun has a PhD in entomology. He's actually the head of the entomology department at UC Riverside, University of California, Riverside, UCR. He's the head of that department. And he's actually one of the top scientists in this field, right? He spent his entire life studying insects.

So maybe you can verify this with him. But we know, and we do have a few, myself, I've seen - We know that black widows, right? That the female mates with the male. And then after the mating is over, the female kills the male, gets rid of him, right? And then once the babies hatch, the babies eventually kill the mother and feed on them, right?

This prompted some modern day scholars or people or commentators to say, well what an interesting, you know, could, we're not saying this is the interpretation of this ayah. Could this example, maybe, was it used by Allah in this verse? Because Allah knows what the household, the spider's household is like. Could this be part of, Allah, I don't know. I don't have the audacity to say this is what it means. And we only discovered it, Allah. Because the obvious meaning is also, you know, that it's talking about the web, not necessarily the family structure of the spider, right?

But nonetheless it's something very interesting to reflect upon, right? That there's no family. I don't know if, you know, right? So the male is used and disposed or killed, right? Actually feeds on it, she eats him, right? And then the babies eat the mother, right? And then they go into this vicious cycle. And what goes around comes (كَمَا تَدِينُ تُدَانُ وَاللَّهُ يُعَذِّبُ - kama tadinu tudan wallahu yu'aththibu)

So what a miserable household, right? What a miserable fate, right? But of course what would be painful is if human beings are reduced to that level. If human beings come down to that level.

Protecting Ourselves from Destruction

But what this ayah is telling us though, there are two things that this ayah is telling us: That human beings have the, I don't want to say the capacity. They have the tendency or the capacity to come down to the level of

animals. But not only animals but insects, right? We can make, we can choose if we want to. We can choose to come down to this level (وَالْعِيَاذُ بِاللَّهِ - wal'iyadhu billah)

And it's only those whom Allah elevates and honors who can keep themselves from coming down to this level. And we have to somehow manage to protect ourselves from getting down to this level. Because if we let our shortcomings and our weaknesses get the best of us, this is what we come down to.

The Noble Character Required for Islamic Guidance

And I must say this before I go any further. When I was examining the verses that talk about divorce, about marital discord, about family in the Qur'an (سُبْحَانَ اللَّهِ - subhanallah) And also in general any disputes, conflict resolution. When you look at the verses, I'm just talking about the verses from the Qur'an that talk about family or conflict (سُبْحَانَ اللَّهِ - subhanallah)

You know I was telling one of the sheikhs today, I was telling him this book, this Qur'an was revealed and can only be understood and applied by classy people. You have to be a person of class to appreciate the Qur'anic directive, right? And you have to be a classy person to commit to it. You have to have class. You have to have self-control. You have to have a level of decency and nobility in order for you to really follow the Qur'anic directive. And it's not easy. It requires a struggle.

I'll give you an example. When the Qur'an for instance says to parties that are divorcing, like a couple who are going through divorce, the Qur'an says:

"And do not forget to be bountiful and to be gracious with one another"

We're departing. I mean what were we taught? What did Egyptian dramas and what did they teach us growing up? Right? Divorce me. Oh you're divorced (خَلاص - khalas). I'm leaving. And she leaves the house. Or did he divorce you? Yeah (خَلاص - khalas) you're not staying with him. You come out of the house. No. That's not what the Qur'an says. No.

And that's it. The war begins. Not only between the two individuals but between the two families. And sometimes it extends beyond the families. It goes into maybe the entire clan. And if they're from two different villages, the two villages now declare war against each other.

And Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la says if it doesn't work out, separate. (وَلَا تَنسَوُا الْفَضْلَ بَيْنَكُمْ - wa la tansa al fadla baynakum) - Be gracious with one another. Be noble. Be kind.

Hadith of Umm Zar'a

عَائِشَةَ رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهَا gives us an example of in the long hadith of Abu Zar'a and Umm Zar'a. She said one day she sat down with the Prophet and she started telling him how about ten ladies, ten women from the time of

Jahiliyyah got together and they said we're not going to keep any secrets. We're going to share with each other all, you know, what our husbands, you know, do and how we feel about them.

That entire hadith is called Hadith Umm Zar'a. Why? Because at the end, the tenth woman, the last woman, she said everybody turned to her: How about you Umm Zar'a? What's the story about your husband?

So she started the story talking about her ex-husband, not even her husband. She said, "Oh," she said, "My husband was Abu Zar'a." Oh, and she started praising Abu Zar'a, praising his daughter who was not even her daughter, her stepdaughter, right? Praising his family, praising his clan, praising everything that he did for her. Though that relationship ended up in divorce.

She said Abu Zar'a eventually divorced me and I married a noble man, an amazing man who took care of me and did for me what no man would do for his wife. However, if I was to measure everything that my second husband did for me, it will not be equivalent to one of the containers that Abu Zar'a gave me.

You know Arabs say like the first love is... But the point here is that Aisha رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهَا and the Prophet after he heard this story, Allah knows how long it took for Aisha to tell him the story. He sat down, he was listening. The Prophet was not rushing Aisha telling her get to the end of the story, what's the conclusion. And by the way, there was no conclusion. She was just telling him a story. That's it. Fun. And they were having fun, entertainment. She was just telling him a story of these beautiful conclusions.

He said, "You know Aisha," and this shows you that he was listening. He wasn't just nodding his head. He was actually listening. And this is Rasulullah, the best of Allah's creation, the leader of his time. He could have said Aisha I don't have time for this nonsense, come on, get to the end of it. No, no.

So when she finished, he said, "You know Aisha," this shows you how interested he was in the story. He said, "Aisha, you know I think I am to you like Abu Zar'a except that Abu Zar'a divorced his wife and I will never divorce you."

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5189; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2448)

The Prophet's Household Example

Giving her any guarantee that this is... This is called emotional security. You don't have to worry Aisha. Right? So no matter... So my point is that you feel like this Prophet were speaking and were setting examples and principles for people who are classy or for people who aspire to be classy and to be ethical.

So what are the elements that could destroy a family? The second point that I want to make in my reflection on this verse, verse 41 of surah 29 is that Allah... The example of those who... And this is in my opinion the first element that we all need to take into consideration that threatens the stability and the security of our families.

Allah says the example of those who take other than Allah Azza wa Jal as allies or as source of guidance, source of divine guidance, divine blessing, to take their guidance from other than Allah Azzawajal is like the example of Ankabut.

What is this telling us? This is telling us that in order for our households or homes or families to be strong, we ought to as individuals as members of these homes, right? Or these units. And also as an entire family, that household has to come from Allah to begin with. It is Allah.

The verse that I shared with you and that we're all familiar with, Allah is the one that brings people together. And he who brings people together is capable of what? Breaking them apart. But Allah doesn't intend for that to happen. Allah doesn't want that to happen. Allah wants to unite people and bring them together. He doesn't want that to...

In order for this unit to stay intact, this unit has to rely upon Allah azawajal. We have to take Allah as the wali, right? And look at the dua of Yusuf alayhisalaam at the end when Allah reunited him with his family. What did he say?

"Oh Allah, You are my wali." The dua that the Quran teaches us, right? "Rabbi, I thank you for your blessings that you have blessed me and my parents." It is all attached or connected to Allah.

The Family of Zakariya

The family of Zakariya in the Quran. They dealt with a great test and trial. Zakariya didn't have children. Him and his wife could not have children until a very late time, right? Allah praised the entire family as a family that turns to Allah, always at times of prosperity and at times of adversity.

The Prophet teaches us to be thankful for what we have. Why? Because when you are thankful, Allah gives you more. And when you have, you know, love, connection, strong bond, right? You could, you could lose it if you are not... So the Prophet teaches us that when we go home or when we see the blessings of Allah upon us to thank Allah and say, and teach the members of our households to be thankful to Allah.

So this is a key element that we rely upon Allah, seek protection in Allah, seek guidance in Allah, and be thankful to Allah. If these elements are missing, this union or this bond is doomed sooner or later, right?

External Enemy - Shaytan

Another element that could be very destructive that is out there, again we are reflecting on Quranic verses. The Quran says the following - what is the first household, the first marriage that we know of that we are aware of? That of Adam and Hawa. Where did they spend their honeymoon? In paradise, in Jannah. You can't get any better than that, right? Jannah.

What happened? Did that last? It didn't last. That's a great lesson for all of us. Honeymoons don't last. So don't expect honeymoon phase to be forever. Just get real. Okay?

What happened?

They ate from, they disobeyed Allah. They were disqualified, right? They went down to an external enemy and there is still an external enemy that is Shaytan, right? Shaytan tempted them, right? And they, they committed this.

By the way, so Allah tells us in the Quran in multiple places about what happened in one of them. Allah says, the one that we find in Surah Al-A'raf, that Shaytan whispered to them. He wanted them to lose some of their privileges in Jannah and to show them or to expose what was concealed of their private parts or of their deficiencies and their faults, right?

So Shaytan basically tried to do that. Unfortunately, he said to them, this is how he got to them. He said your lord did not forbid you from the tree except that you become angels or become immortal. There must be a secret. This tree is going to give you immortality. Now he's playing on a weakness. We human beings don't want things to change. We want, you know, good life to last forever.

They're in Jannah. Can you imagine? They're in Jannah. But what do you mean immortal? Oh we can be in this place forever? We can be happy together like this forever? Yes. And this is the tree that is going to guarantee you that. Hmm, very tempting. Yes, we don't know.

"And he swore to them, 'Indeed, I am to you from among the sincere advisors.'"

He told them indeed, he swore by Allah. He swore by Allah. This was the first time ever Adam... or somebody swear by Allah. And of course no one would swear by Allah in the presence of Allah except he must know what he's talking about. So he told them that indeed I am a sincere advisor.

By the way, anytime someone comes to you and tells you, "Listen, I'm a sincere advisor" and they have to really make that point to you, be careful, right? Somebody anytime someone comes to you and says "I heard your wife say that" or "I heard your husband say that," you know, and they come as a sincere, they feel like they have the duty to come and inform you of what they caught your spouse doing behind their back or say behind their back. I just want you to know that that is a Shaytan in the form of a human being. You know, simple.

Hadith About Causing Division

Muslim reports a hadith from the Prophet ﷺ: Shaitan places his throne on water and then he sends his soldiers or assistants. He sends them in groups, he deploys his agents. He sends them. So the Prophet ﷺ said: One comes to him and says "Oh I kept tempting him until he said such and such" - maybe a statement of kufr. So Iblis (Iblis by the way is the chief Shaitan), the one that went after this young amateur rookie Shaitan or rookie agent of his, he didn't do anything. "Nothing, it's not a big deal. Maybe tomorrow he will repent to Allah. What's a big deal?"

The Story of Yusuf and His Brothers

He wants you know, and inshallah ta'ala we're going to have a session maybe in a couple of months on the destructive, on the consequences of divorce. A lot of people don't realize, they think divorce, yeah it's a walk in the park. Yeah it's not working out. You know, there are, so this is something serious.

What else does shaitan do? Sometimes between siblings. Yusuf, when he told his father about his dream, his father told him the following:

"[Jacob] said, 'O my son, do not relate your vision to your brothers or they will contrive against you a plan. Indeed Satan, to man, is a manifest enemy.'"

He said to him, "Oh my son, do not relate your vision, the dream that you had, to your brothers or they will conspire against you. They will forge a plan against you. They will go after you." They're jealous. He knew that they were jealous. But the point here is that he told him watch for your brothers. They may be jealous. And then he says to him "For indeed Satan to man is a manifest enemy." In other words, Satan will try to, you know, will go after your brothers and he will use the animosity or the jealousy that they have against you. He will use it to cause them to do, to harm you and do something.

Of course Jacob was trying to prevent the inevitable and it actually happened. They did conspire and he basically missed him. You know, he was a missing child for a long time. He basically did not spend the rest of his childhood with his father. He lost him for years, for decades until he ruled Egypt عَلَيْهِ السَّلام right?

Being Considerate of Others

So but the point here is that Satan manages to be very careful even with siblings. You have to be very, so the Quran is telling us be very careful even with your siblings. Be careful with your sibling. Be careful with what you share, be careful with what you post, be careful with what you brag about. Be considerate of their feelings. Be considerate of their financial status or state. Be considerate of their difficulties and their challenges that they have. It's just not right.

You may have a sibling or a cousin who is struggling financially. And then you keep sending them on Facebook, or you keep posting on Facebook, or sending them on WhatsApp parties and things that you go to and you attend and you do yourself. And they can't afford any of that stuff.

Or things that you wear, or what your children do and all of that. They can't afford any of that. Be careful. Be considerate of their feelings. You can't do that. You know, some people, you know, we have freedom here. We can go and do whatever we want. We post and we do things. Maybe we have some relatives or some siblings who are living in areas in the world where they can't do stuff like that.

And we know that. And we pretend like we're happy, that we're having fun. And they may be struggling. They don't have the freedom that we have. They don't have the resources that we have. They don't have the money that we have. They don't have the liberty that we have. They don't have, you know, subhanAllah.

You know one time I was sharing something that I was doing in Laguna Beach with people on the other side where they had snow and they had severe weathers. And they're like, "Oh, how lucky, you know, I envy you, I hate you, why are you doing this to us?" And I'm like, okay, I'm just going to be careful.

You know, you may be, you know, you're enjoying a beautiful weather here. You're going out to the beach and stuff like that. And there are people there, maybe they're miserable because their car broke down in the middle of a blizzard. Next thing they know as they're trying to basically check their phone to see, you know, to call AAA, your WhatsApp message pops up with you on the beach sitting in shorts and stuff like that and you're enjoying, you're having fun. They're going to hate you for it. We need to be careful, right?

Sometimes accomplishments, "Oh, look at what my child did and how my child did that and, you know, graduated from this." And we sometimes rub it in. And they're like struggling with their children. They're struggling with their children. They can't find opportunities for their children. Their children are as smart as your child, but because of where they live or because of their limited resources, they can't send them to universities. Or they may be in a war zone where they can't afford what you can afford.

So we need to be careful. He told him not to share his dream, not his accomplishment, his dream. I mean, this is a dream, it didn't even happen. He said, be careful, don't share it with them if you think. So you have to be careful, right? Again, I don't want us to become paranoid and be doubtful of people, but what I'm saying is the opposite. Be considerate. Be courteous. Be considerate.

A Lesson from His Father

You know, my dad one time, Subhanallah, taught me a beautiful lesson. We went somewhere to a village where he was born. رَحِمَهُ اللَّهُ you know I was wearing a suit, you know, no tie, he was wearing a suit. But when we got there, he took, he untucked his shirt, right? And, you know, Subhanallah, sometimes you untuck the shirt. It's the same suit, but you untuck the shirt and it looks what? It looks casual and it looks cheap, right?

So I was saying, dad, why don't you just tuck it in? He's like, I don't know, don't worry. I was like, again, I repeated it, you know, why don't you tuck it in, you know? And I was, Subhanallah, though I was the youngest of his children, nobody dared to, you know, sometimes. So I was like, dad, do you want me to, is there anything? He's like, no, no, no, I'll tell you later.

So later that night, he's like, son, when you go somewhere, to these people, try to look, try to blend in and look like the people of that place. Don't show up. In some places, by the way, belt, a leather belt, is a luxury.

They didn't help one another and, you know, be loyal to each other and work hard together. Imagine what would have happened. They didn't survive. They had to have, you know, a nervous breakdown or... They didn't give up and it wasn't easy, right? This was caused by an external factor, an external enemy. This enemy also, you know, though Shaitan's greatest target is to break a marriage. But anything less than that also is except, you know, Shaitan can destroy relationship between siblings as well.

The Story of Aisha and Hafsa

And I'm going to a hadith. Imam Muslim reports: Says that Shaitan places or his throne is on water and then he sends his soldiers or assistants. He sends them in groups, right? He deploys his agents. He sends them so... So the Prophet ﷺ said...

One of his wives was Zaynab. And Zaynab was a very, Zaynab and Safiyyah were very good when it comes to cooking and food and all of that. So there was a particular meal the Prophet used to enjoy that, you know, in one of their homes.

And Aisha and Hafsa didn't, you know, were both not too happy about that. So they, the two conspired. The two had a little, they played a little game with the Prophet. Also, something else happened.

The Prophet told one of them, I forgot which one it was. He told one of them something and he told her to keep this between us. So she went and she told the other one.

So Allah revealed to the Prophet ﷺ that she actually told her. The conversation that happened between her and the other one. So the Prophet went and confronted her with it.

He said, by the way, did you tell so-and-so one, two, three? And he didn't say everything. He just gave her half of what she said. And he said, who told you that? Did she tell you that? Who told you that? He said:

"He said, 'I was informed by the Knowing, the Acquainted [with all things].'"

Allah told me. Just in case you forgot that he was a Prophet, yeah, Allah tells us. So he's like, next time I trust you with something, keep it between us. Don't reveal that secret.

So, so then they conspired, right? So when they conspired, Allah revealed that conspiracy to the Prophet. Oh, sorry, they actually succeeded. What happened was, the conspiracy was, when the Prophet comes to you, you tell him your breath smells. So the Prophet ﷺ went to Aisha, and she said, "Oh, ما شاء الله, what is that smell? Your breath, you know."

And he's, the Prophet, oh, okay. So, and then he went to Hafsa, right? And Hafsa says the same thing. Now that they both said it, it must be what? Must be true, right? So the Prophet ﷺ felt like, oh, okay.

And the Prophet, one of the, there was something about the Prophet. He was very sensitive when it comes to odor. Like he did not eat garlic or onions. He didn't, you know. So to him, that was, so he said, wallahi, I will not eat that food anymore again. And this was his favorite meal, cooked by, this is what they wanted to get to.

They wanted him to vow not to. So he said, I will not eat it. So he basically forbade himself from it.

Allah's Response to the Conspiracy

So Allah revealed to him in the Qur'an:

"O Prophet, why do you prohibit [yourself from] what Allah has made lawful for you, seeking the approval of your wives? And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful."

Then Allah spoke to them directly, that stop playing this kind of game with the Prophet of Allah. If you conspire against him, if you rally each other against him, know that Allah, Jibreel and the believers are standing behind him.

You don't need to play this kind of game. Husband and wives need not to play this game of deception with one another. And that's why SubhanAllah, they don't need to play games with each other.

Oh, sometimes couples do things. Oh, to get him to do something, they use the children. Go tell Baba this. Go tell Mama this. Or he tells his mother-in-law. Or understand if it's something cute and something nice and you're trying to surprise someone with a party or something.

But playing games in and of itself and being this art of deception is not, marriage is not the place for it. Marriage is supposed to be built upon trust, honesty, clarity.

Guidelines for Approaching Widows

And that's why in the Qur'an, Allah, you see, this is what I love about the Qur'anic directive. The Qur'an and Islam in general is very pragmatic, very realistic, very balanced. It does not deny us. So for instance, there's a verse that talks about how Allah knows if someone becomes attracted to a widow or to a woman who's divorced, final divorce, not first or second.

But a woman who has gone through final divorce, but it still is in her iddah. Or a woman who lost her husband, but she's still mourning in the mourning period, right? She has to wait for four months. And let's say there's someone that knows her or someone who's interested in her.

Islam says during this time, you're not supposed to go and approach them about marriage. It's not appropriate. Wait until this waiting period is over, right? And Allah knows if you kind of suggest or if you try to, you know.

So Allah says:

"There is no blame upon you for that to which you [indirectly] allude concerning a proposal to women or for what you conceal within yourselves. Allah knows that you will have them in mind. But do not promise them secretly except for saying a proper saying."

Don't say anything that is not appropriate, right? Don't say anything that is not appropriate. And do not secretly have meetings or conversations with them. Secret conversations and secret relationships are not allowed. It's not appropriate. Marriage is not supposed to be based on something like that.

So Allah doesn't say, oh, you're bad for having that feeling or you're bad for having that thought. No. If the thought is, just hold on to it, wait for the right time.

Examples at the End of Surah Al-Tahrim

But of course, he had to be just and replace Hafsa's bowl with another one, right? So, so what, what else? What are the other, you know, there are a lot of destructive elements, but I will just share one more and inshallah we'll conclude or we open the floor for Q&A.

Allah also tells us in the Qur'an that of the causes of the destruction of members of a family or the family unit itself is when there is infidelity or when there is (خِيَانَة - treachery) or when there is deception, right? And this ayah, of course, is referring to something in particular. Allah gives an example.

By the way, this is, at the end of Surah Al-Tahrim. Surah Al-Tahrim, there is a story behind it. They say that Aisha, the Prophet ﷺ had, of course, Aisha, Hafsa, Saudah...

So at the end of that surah that talked about the vice of the Prophet ﷺ conspiring and all of that, Allah gave us two examples. An example of a believing woman who was with Fir'aun, the wife of Fir'aun. And then the example, or before that, the example of two women who opposed their husbands and deceived their husbands and did not believe in Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la and denied their husbands.

And that is the example of the wife of Nuh and the wife of Lut. The wife of Nuh and the wife of Lut. These two prophets, they were messengers and prophets.

"Allah presents an example of those who disbelieved: the wife of Noah and the wife of Lot. They were under two of Our righteous servants but betrayed them, so those prophets did not avail them from Allah at all, and it was said, 'Enter the Fire with those who enter.'"

Reference: Quran 66:10

Nuh was a prophet with 950 years of da'wah. And one of the people that did not accept him was his wife, his own wife. His own wife. Because it's all in the hands of Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la. But as a faithful wife, she should have, and someone who knows Nuh, you know him, you know him. But she preferred either the way of her son because her son rebelled, or the way of the people of that time.

She's like, oh, how could you be right and everyone else is wrong, right? Because sometimes this happens. Or sticking with her husband is gonna make her look bad in front of you. Allah knows what her motive was, we don't know the details.

But she knew Nuh to be an honest man and prophet. She knew him because she was his wife. But she still, she still was not faithful, right? So of course, and the other example is the example of the wife of Lot, who again was supposed to be with her husband but she used to do things behind his back, right? And she used to conspire with the people of, you know, according to the biblical narration, Sodom and Gomorrah, right? She used to conspire with them and so she was doing things behind his back.

So Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala talks about how, you know, this brought this relationship to an end. It was very destructive.

Likewise, the other example is the example of Pharaoh and his wife. In the example of Pharaoh and the wife, it was the other way around. The wife was righteous, servant of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala.

The husband was a tyrant, one of the worst tyrants in history and Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala destroyed him. Actually, according to some narrations, Pharaoh ordered her, his wife, to be executed in one of the most brutal ways and Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala gave her a palace in Jannah and eventually Pharaoh was destroyed as she made dua to Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala. She said:

Translation: "My Lord, build for me near You a house in Paradise and save me from Pharaoh and his deeds and save me from the wrongdoing people."

Reference: Quran 66:11

Oh Allah, save me from this tyrant and from his army and Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala, not only did he destroy him, but he destroyed the entire army.

Warning Against Wronging Family Members

May Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala preserve us and this is why I say, Subhanallah, especially in a marital relationship or with our parents, to wrong a member of your household is one of the worst forms of injustice and that's why if someone is dealt with unjustly and they make dua against the wrongdoer, that dua will reach heaven. That dua, that prayer, that supplication is going to strike sooner or later and that's why people have to be careful. People have to be careful of wronging their spouses, wronging their children or their parents because if

they make dua, I have no doubt and I have seen and I have heard and I have myself examined, myself, I'm not even talking about stories from the past, I'm talking about stories from our time of people who suffered the consequences of the wrong actions they took against their spouses.

And in the time of the Prophet ﷺ, we know that one of the great companions, Aws ibn Samit, he was a good companion, very old but when he was done with his wife, he suspended her and this was from the practice of Jahiliyyah that Islam came and abolished, right? Islam said you can't do that, you can't do stuff like that.

So he did it, which is very unethical, very unethical. During the time of Jahiliyyah before Islam, and I'll just close with this, you know, Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la, some of these tribes, they used to have laws. If a woman, if a man dies, right, his, Jahiliyyah by the way is a pre-Islamic period, before Islam, before the Prophet ﷺ received the message.

So in those days, in some tribes, if a man dies, right, his relative or the closest of his relatives can come and claim any of his wife's, any of his wife's. And he claims her by throwing, you know, one of the practices was he would throw a garment or a sheet on top of her. So that means she's his.

And he, so then he will examine her. If he likes her or if she's beautiful, he will marry her. If she's not, then he forbids her from marrying anyone so that when she dies, he can repossess all her belongings or whatever she took from the husband, from his brother or from...

So Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la said, you can't do that. The Quran came and says:

Translation: "And it is not lawful for you to inherit women by compulsion. And do not make difficulties for them in order to take [back] part of what you gave them."

Reference: Quran 4:19

You know, they're not your properties, you can't do that, you know.

So the Quran came and forbade this kind of practice. Also, women in jahiliyya, you know, this is just to kind of keep the balance. A woman can come and, you know, have a relationship with as many men as she wants, and then she can go to any one of them, maybe the richest one of them, and say, if she becomes pregnant and has a, you know, gives birth to a child, she will come and she will tell him, you're the father.

And you have to do this and this and this, and he has to obey that. He has to follow that. She can basically attach or make a claim to any one of them she wants, and that's it.

Now he's obligated to take care of him and all that. And Islam came and said, you can't do that, right? This is mess, this is a mess. And so, you know, the prophet came, Islam came to bring, you know, this beautiful balance and to restore, you know, family values and to preserve them and protect them so that we don't have the type of mess that they used to have and unfortunately, nowadays, we're reliving that mess.

We're reliving that mess. May Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la preserve us and protect us.

Closing

جَزَاكُمُ اللَّهُ خَيْرًا for being such a wonderful audience.

Q&A Session

Question about causing division between spouses

Question: If you have any questions, comments, please feel free. We can make maybe five, take five minutes. What, if there's anything I can answer or, yes.

Answer: Yes, next Sunday we have blood drive. And we have the business fair or we have Muslim businesses coming, huh, what, garage sale. Please come join us and give blood.

So we want your money and your blood, inshallah, next Sunday. No, this, we're just showing, we're showcasing Muslim businesses and I think it's important for us to come and support them. Do you have any questions about any of the things that I said? It's great to see you again.

Any, yes. Yeah, hmm. SubhanAllah, I have a whole page on this, subhanAllah.

Yeah, hmm. The Prophet ﷺ, by the way, one of the, thank you for asking this question. One of the, one of the most, one of the worst sins, it's a major sin, is to cause division between a husband and his wife, right, or a wife and her husband, especially if it leads to divorce.

But even if it doesn't lead to divorce, if it's, so, so to cause animosity or hatred or conflict or, you know, between husband and wife is one of the worst sins that the Prophet ﷺ forbade. And it's a serious sin, it's a serious sin. And it has different forms.

One of the forms could actually prevent somebody from entering Jannah. So one has to be very careful. So for instance, you know, you're not, we're not allowed to tell couples things about each other that they said behind each other's back or like reveal each other's secret.

"Oh, you know what your husband said about you? You know what your husband said to my husband about you?" Right? As a matter of fact, we're not even supposed to, like, I'm not supposed to go and tell my wife what my friend told me about his wife. Because there's a chance that she may end up telling her, right? So you're not supposed to do that, right? Or you're not supposed to reveal, like, you're not supposed to say things like, let's say you see a couple. One of them is good looking, the other one is not.

One of them is rich, the other one is not. You can't even make remarks like, oh, why did you marry him? What did you see in him? You know? Or you can't say, what do you like about your wife? I don't, or things like, oh, I don't know why you live with somebody like that. Right? Or to even, sometimes people do it in a very, you

know, they will say things like, you know, she is either, you know, too beautiful for someone like you, or vice versa.

Or they will say, you know, he's too handsome for you, or things like that. Very insensitive, right? This is not allowed. And it's not of Islam.

And the Prophet ﷺ said he's not, or to reveal anything, or to bring anything from their past. Did you know that he was married before? Did you know that he was engaged with somebody? Did you know that she was in love with, you know, with somebody? You can't do stuff like that. It's a major sin.

Subhanallah. And Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala says that if two individuals get in between a husband and wife, or one individual, let's say you are brought into a marriage conflict, your aim, your goal, and your objective should be to restore and to rectify and to mend this relationship. To make things better, not make them worse.

You're supposed to help this couple. You're supposed to do islah. And the Prophet, Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala in the Quran says:

Translation: "If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause it between them."

Reference: Quran 4:35

If that is truly their intention, Allah will make it work out. And that's why during the time of Umar, if any individual or two individuals come in between a couple who are fighting, Umar used to instruct the judges. He used to say, make sure that you make it work out.

Because if it doesn't work out, I'm going to beat you. It's like, I'm trying to counsel them. Yes, if it doesn't.

They say, why would you beat me if it doesn't work out? He says, because Allah says, إِن يُرِيدَا إِصْلَاحًا يُوَفِّقِ اللَّهُ بَيْنَهُمَا If they truly intend to make this work out, Allah will make it work out. If it fails, that means you didn't really do a good job.

You were not sincere. Because if you're sincere, it should work out. That's a big burden.

I can't take it. But I'm just saying, this is how important it is to try to save and preserve marital relationships. Now, Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal.

Oh, by the way, the worst form of it is to actually order or command or encourage someone to divorce his wife. Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal, a man came to him, told him that his father ordered him to divorce his wife. قَالَ أَبِي يَأْمُرُنِي أَنْ أُطَلَّقَ امْرَأَتِي )My father orders me to divorce my wife(.

قَالَ لَا تُطَلَّقْهَا . Imam Ahmad said to him, don't divorce her. So this guy, this man said to Imam Ahmad, أَلَيْسَ عُمَرُ أَمَرَ ابْنَهُ عَبْدَ اللَّهِ أَنْ يُطَلَّقَ امْرَأَتَهُ؟ Didn't Umar ibn al-Khattab order his son to divorce his wife, and his son had to obey him? So he said to him, Imam Ahmad said to this, this is from the time of Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal, which was like third century Hijri, right, like 1100 years ago.

So because nowadays some people come to me, I had cases where someone came and said, oh, my mom is asking me to divorce my wife. I'm like, okay, are you going to do it? He's like, well, I heard that Umar asked his

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son to do it and his son had to do it. So we say to them what Imam Ahmad said to this man in his time. He said to him (حَتَّىٰ يَكُونَ أَبُوكَ مِثْلَ عُمَرَ رَضِيَ ٱللَّهُ عَنْهُ - ḥattā yakūnu abūka mithla ʿumara raḍiya-llāhu ʿanhu). He said when your father is like Umar, then you listen to him. That is a special case. We're talking about Umar ibn al-Khattab, not anyone. So you're telling me now your dad has the wisdom and he has the taqwa, has the fear of Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala, and has the understanding of Umar. Umar had a reason. As a matter of fact, when a man went to him and said, I want to divorce my wife, he said, why are you divorcing your wife? He said, because I don't love her, and Umar wanted to beat him up. He said, who told you that households are all based on love? He's like, this is a wife of yours that has spent all these years with you. If she's willing to still live with you, keep her. So what has love got to do with it, as they say? So Shaykh al-Islam bin Taymiyyah said regarding a case, mas'ala, of a man whose mother demands from him to divorce his wife. He said (لَا يَحِلُّ لَهُ أَنْ يُطَلِّقَهَا - lā yaḥillu lahu an yuṭalliqahā). He's not allowed to divorce his wife. He shouldn't. Then he said (بَلْ عَلَيْهِ أَنْ يَبَرَّهَا وَلَيْسَ تَطْلِيقُ ٱمْرَأَتِهِ مِن بِرِّهَا - bal ʿalayhi an yabarrahā wa laysa taṭlīqu imraʾatihi min birrihā). He said your obligation towards your mother is to do birr, to be dutiful to her, and to be kind to her. And you divorcing your wife has nothing to do with you being kind to your mother. How is divorcing, how is hurting someone, or breaking your relationship with someone going to benefit another person? This has nothing to do with this. So he said, his obligation is to try to basically, right, please his mother and do whatever he can do to make her forget and do everything for her and to be kind to her. At the same time, by the way, he cannot go to his mother and say, you want me to divorce my wife? I'm not going to do that. You're a bad woman. He can't do that. He will still have to go and be dutiful to her and be kind and everything, but not divorce his wife. You get my point? Is this clear? So he neither divorces his wife, nor does he go back and talk back to his mother. And if his mother brings it up again, he will say, mom, I can't do that. And if his mother says like, you know, I'm not going to be pleased with you, don't ever talk to me, he will say, okay, he will have to continue to what? Try to please his mother and do whatever he has to do. Even if he goes to his mother and every time she sees him, she slaps him. Unless he divorces his wife, let him take the slap and say to his mother, Alhamdulillah, you slapped me on this cheek. Now the other cheek is jealous, right? Take care of it. You know, you can slap me all you want. I enjoy you slapping me, as long as it's going to make you feel better. Right? So, but I am not, he can't do that. Right? Now, one last question. Yes. Question about divorce procedures Now, short answer. Now, there is a Hadith that says that, and I don't understand it. But I can do some revision of

the Sharh of the Hadith, Inshallah. So ask me next week, Inshallah, I will try to have an answer for you. Yes, one last question. Yes, yes. Yes. Okay. Now, I think we need to do a workshop on divorce, unfortunately, because people don't know how to, you know, there is, okay. In a nutshell, this is, this is just one, one, this is how, if a couple cannot live together, and if a husband and wife cannot live together, and the husband is now convinced that divorce is the only way or she wants divorce and he wants to divorce her. So what they have to do is, he must not divorce her while she is on her period. That's number one. It's not allowed. It's haram and some, many scholars don't consider it valid. Number two, he cannot divorce his wife, and should not divorce his wife during a time where they had intimacy. So, so they will have to wait. So the husband is very upset and angry this weekend, and he cannot get over his anger. He needs to deal with the anger until next month. He can't do it now. That's it. So that you don't act upon the anger. It has to be a decision that is made after, you know, well thought of, right? And it's, you know, so, so the man has to wait until she gets her period, and then she's off that period, and then he can say the divorce. And he must not divorce multiple times in the same period or in the same month. So he can only say divorce once, and issue one divorce, which is considered (طَلَاقٌ رَجْعِيٌّ - ṭalāqun rajʿīyy) (revocable divorce). After he uttered that, after he utters that or he says the divorce, right? They're not automatically divorce. What we see in some cultures and drama, (خَلَاص - khalaṣ), as soon as he says it, she has to leave it. This is nonsense. She has to wear hijab. No. They're still husband and wife. They separate, right? But they're still husband and wife. Not only are they still husband and wife for the next three cycles, they're actually supposed to be kind to each other. They're supposed to be nice to each other. They're supposed to dress up. They're supposed to show each other the best of, just in case there is room for reconciliation. If there's no room for reconciliation, at least the ending of their relationship, they leave on a good note. It doesn't have to be vicious, and it doesn't have to be bitter, and it doesn't have to be bad, and it doesn't have to be evil. At least the memory of the last three months of them together, they have the best of memory together, right? So, so that's, that's how it's done. Once the three cycles are over, then the divorce takes effect, becomes effect (خَلَاص - khalaṣ) So now they're no longer married. They go their separate ways. Now, after the first, if it happens once or twice, they have the option to come back together. If they believe that they can make it work out. If they believe that they can make it work out, Islam gives them a second chance and a third chance, so they can come back together. If they don't believe that it's gonna work out,

they're, of course, open to consider anyone else, right? She's considered to consider anyone else. Can, if they have children, can they, after they get divorced or they remarry someone else, can they still interact with each other? Of course, they can interact with each other. He is the father of her children and she's the mother of his children. You know, that portion, once you make a child with a person together, you're, you're, there is a bond, of course. And they're supposed to, you know, honor one another and be kind to each other. They didn't, you know. And there are many cases of sahaba and sahabiyat, you know, multiple cases. I don't wanna say many cases. There were multiple cases of sahaba and sahabiyat where it didn't work out, you know, and they divorced, right? And then after the divorce, she remarries someone else, maybe his friend, maybe his cousin. They did not become enemies. As a matter of fact, there were cases where, you know, someone may even recommend his ex to somebody else that they care about. Maybe I wasn't the best person for them, but I know, knowing you, you will be inshallah ta'ala a good person, a good match, or you, she will be a good match, right? Nowadays, you only recommend your ex to someone that you hate, right?

جَزَاكُمُ ٱللَّهُ خَيْرًا