Positive & Practical Parenting

Positive & Practical Parenting

By Joe Bradford

Opening Prayer and Introduction

In the name of Allah and praise be to Allah. Peace and blessings be upon the Messenger of Allah, and upon his family and companions.

And after that, O Allah, teach us what benefits us, and benefit us with what You have taught us, and increase us in knowledge, O Lord of the worlds. O Allah, You are our Lord. There is no god but You. You created us, and we are on Your covenant and promise as You could. We seek Your blessings upon us, and we seek Your forgiveness for our sins. So forgive us, for none forgives sins except You.

And we have pretty much everything else in between. So I hope that any of my experience in raising them can be of benefit to you, and that any of the information that I can give you from my background in Islamic studies that pertains to that will be of help as well.

Understanding Children and Their Place in Society

So what I wanted to really talk to you today about is understanding your children and understanding their place in society. One of the things that we as parents focus too much on when we talk about parenting is how we can correct our children, and how we can have our children conform to us.

Not realizing that we are the ones who placed our children in the situation that they are in. Many times parents come to me and they say, you know, I'm having so many problems with my children. You know, they're just too American.

And I say, well you realize you are talking too American right now. So I'm not sure what I'm supposed to tell you. And your children as well, if they were born here or they were brought here, they also didn't make that choice. That was your choice. And so you have to be happy or at least content with the choices that you've made for your children.

Recognizing Our Role as Parents

And if you find them going down a road that is not pleasing to you, the very first step that you can take to rectify any issues is by recognizing your own role in your child's development.

Because our children develop based upon what they see from us, what they see from others, and what they see from the environment that they're put in. So we can't expect our children to be exactly like us. And we also cannot expect our children to be exactly like the society that they live in.

The Third Culture Reality

In fact, our children live a life of a third culture. Whether that third culture is living between two cultures based upon ethnicity, based upon cultural background, national background, religious identity, they live a third culture. They may be Muslims that are going to a public school.

And therefore, they're not going to be the same as a child who, for example, is homeschooled. They're not going to be the same as a child who, for example, goes to a full-time Islamic school. And the same, a child who goes to an Islamic school, he's going to be living a different culture than the child that goes to a public school.

And so you have to realize where your child is at in life and what your role was in placing that child in that situation.

The Daily Du'a of Self-Recognition

One of the du'a that I mentioned or that I opened with is one of the du'a that the Prophet ﷺ used to make every single day. And he used to make every single day after Fajr and after Asr. And he used to say:

O Allah, you are my Lord, there is no god but You. You created me and I am Your servant, and I am holding to Your covenant and Your promise as much as I can. I seek refuge in You from the evil of what I have done. I acknowledge Your blessings upon me and I acknowledge my sins, so forgive my sins because no one can forgive sins except for You. (Sahih al-Bukhari 6306)

The Purpose of This Du'a

The reason why I started with this du'a is because it helps us at the very beginning of the day recognize our behavioral patterns. Recognize that we have so much blessing from Allah.

One of the greatest blessings that we have are our children. And when we can recognize the blessing of just having children, we can recognize as well that we as parents in order to remain positive in helping our children through their lives, we have to be willing to recognize our own mistakes. We have to be willing to recognize that our children are in a position in life based upon our choices for them and not necessarily their own choices.

Understanding Children's Perspectives

When you come to that recognition, then you can start to understand how your child is trying to rationalize his or her life. How they're trying to understand their place in society. How they're trying to

navigate the difficulties of growing up in a society in which media can be extremely negative about them and about their own identities.

Where children in school can be extremely negative about them and about their identities. Or their environment can be very positive about them and about their identities but in the wrong way. In a way that focuses on detracting them from the character and the morals that you hope to instill in them as parents.

Our Obligation as Parents

But you as parents, the very first step is for you to understand your place in putting your children where they're at in life. That they didn't make the decision to live here, to move here, and that now you have the obligation, not just the role, but the obligation to help them navigate the difficulties of their life. And that can only be done by recognizing the fears that your children have and speaking to your children.

Talking with them. Letting them communicate their feelings to you.

The Importance of Listening

I think one of the things that, now I don't actively do family counseling or marriage counseling or anything like that. And the reason why is because I'm not licensed in those areas and I think that it's better to work with specialists. Now there have been times where people have said that I want to go to a marriage counselor, I want to go to a family counselor, but I'm afraid that they're not going to understand me as a Muslim. So can you help? And in those cases I will help.

I'll speak, basically counsel the counselor on how to counsel the Muslims. But my experience has been when anybody comes to me about family counseling, spousal counseling, problems with their children, the number one problem is always the inability of us as parents to listen to our children first. Figure out where they are in life.

Understanding vs. Telling

How they're taking in the information that we present to them. How they're processing what they have. We, many times as parents, want to tell our kids what they're expected to do instead of allowing them to explain what they understand their expectations to be.

And that's a huge gap that's left between parents and children. The ideas of communication, of being open and accepting, are extremely important.

Learning from Ibn Umar's Approach

Ibn Umar was once approached by a young man who said:

يَا أَبَا عَبْدِ الرَّحْمَنِ إِنِّي أَجِدُ فِي نَفْسِي شَيْئًا مِنْ هَذَا الْقَدَرِ فَانْصَحْنِي

O Abu Abdur Rahman, I find something in myself regarding this issue of predestination, so give me some advice.

So he said, I heard the Prophet ﷺ say, and then he narrated the very long hadith of Jibreel to him.

The Wisdom in This Response

Why is this story important? Because a young man came and he was inquiring about an issue of faith, the issue of qadr. The Prophet said that:

وَأَن تُؤْمِنَ بِالْقَدَرِ خَيْرِهِ وَشَرِّهِ وَحُلُوهِ وَمُرِّهِ

And that you believe in providence, the good of it and the bad of it, the sweet of it and the sour of it. (Sahih Muslim 8)

But notice Ibn Umar's reaction to the young man. When he came to him questioning something about his faith, his first reaction wasn't just "Be a Muslim, just believe," right? He wanted to understand what it was he was asking about. And then he simply presented the information as it had reached him. No more and no less.

Children's Questions About Faith

It's important that we realize that our children asking probing questions about their faith and about their identity does not mean that they do not love their identity or love their faith. But it simply means that they're trying to understand their place in the world. And this goes beyond the issues of just faith and personal religious identity.

We now have children that are facing issues of sexual orientation. They're facing issues of morality that go back to issues of civil rights and human rights. And if we don't allow our children the leeway to speak on those issues with us in an open manner and help them understand what it is we see as the proper method or way for us as Muslims to speak on those issues, then what's going to happen is they're going to reject their Islam outright.

A Real Story of Lost and Found Faith

One of my friends who is a prominent scholar here in the United States, that's about three or four years ago, he once called me up and he said, Alhamdulillah, this morning I gave shahada to two young women. I said, really? He said, yeah, two young women from families of Muslim-majority countries. From Muslim families.

He gave shahada to two young women from Muslim countries. Their families are from Muslim countries. I said, how does that even work? He said, well, they told me that in growing up and dealing with their

parents, their parents were so adamant on not listening to what they had to say, number one.

Number two, insisting that their personal culture was the epitome of Islam. And number three, when they started getting active in high school MSAs and college MSAs and learning about Islam, they would bring that home to their parents and their parents would say, that's not our Islam. Leave it alone.

The Consequences of Rigid Thinking

He said, okay, well, I'm reading things from the Quran, from the sunnah, from a scholarly tradition. I'm trying to understand and parse it. That's not our Islam. Our Islam is you do what we say. And so because of that, because while they had good intentions to learn about their own faith, they felt rejected by their parents. And so they said, well, if Islam is X culture, X social norms, and those are closed-minded and don't want to even learn, why should I even be part of that? So they left Islam.

And they became atheists. And they were working with left-wing activist groups. But they always had this emptiness inside of them. And it wasn't until they became extremely despondent and distant from their family that that emptiness grew so large that they started to look for a solution again, and they came back to Islam and they took their shahadah. So they rejected Allah completely. Because of what they had been presented by their parents. And then Allah brought them back.

The Need for Humility

So we have to be willing. It takes humility on our part, the humility on our part, to never think that what we are saying is the ultimate truth in any one issue. We should have the ability to allow our children the leeway to work within the parameters of acceptable disagreement.

Acceptable Disagreement in Practice

Now you may be saying to me, what do you mean by that? I'll give you an example. It can be difficult when one of your kids doesn't want to listen to you. And doesn't want to do what you think is right. But you have to be open enough to understand that sometimes they're merely subscribing to another opinion, which while you don't feel is right, has an amount of acceptable disagreements amongst Muslims and Islamic practice.

The Spicy Chicken Sandwich Story

I had a parent come to me one time. He said, I need your help. I said, what's your problem? What's the problem? He said, my son has ran away from home. I said, okay. He said, and he's living with a girlfriend. I said, okay. So what can I do? He said, well, you know, I need to get to the bottom of this problem.

I said, okay, well, tell me where it started. And he said, you know, he was living at home. Everything was fine. Used to eat halal meat. And then he started going to Wendy's and ordering a spicy chicken

Understanding Priorities

The issue of moving out with a girlfriend is a reaction to your inability to walk your child through what you saw was the best way to realize morality in your food and drink. But there is acceptable difference for those who want to eat spicy chicken sandwich, right? I know in our community we have some people that say, you know, halal, some people say halal, zabeeha, right? Some people say halal, zabeeha, slaughter with right hand facing Mecca, we'll do it with zamzam, you know. You have different levels of application.

But we have to realize as well that just as we have diversity in our community, we're going to have diversity in our families as well. And as long as it's not a clear cut contravention of something which is haram, we have to allow our children the leeway to discover and discuss these issues.

Choosing Your Battles

So I guess my point here is after we talk about recognizing our role in our children's lives, recognizing the role that we've placed them in, is that we also have to gauge our losses. What do you want to lose? Do you want to lose a child that eats halal meat only or do you want to lose a child completely? And that's a difficult decision to make. It's a difficult decision to make. But it's one that you have to make so that you can keep your children within the fold.

Avoiding the Victim Mentality

Another thing that I would mention that is extremely important when talking about remaining positive with your children is understand your choices in life and never allow yourself or your children to feel like victims. And victimization is a huge problem in the Muslim community right now.

We all know of the things that happened here in Southern California and I won't repeat what happened in those events, but I'll tell you what some of the reaction was around the country. Almost in little of two to three hours after it happened, before anything was known, we had Muslims going online saying, Oh my God, this is the worst thing ever. It's the worst thing since 9-11. Nothing has ever happened.

We have no information. We just know that an event happened. And people are already taking it upon themselves that somehow I implicitly as a Muslim am implicated and I am being victimized.

Learning from the Believers at Uhud

And that's a problem not in that the event occurred, but in the psyche of the individual. How are we programming our children to deal with difficulty in life? How are we programming our children to deal with issues where they may be implicated? Tangentially, wrongly, how do we allow them to react?

Notice that when the believers won the Battle of Badr, they were extremely happy. And they came back to Al-Madinah. And the disbelievers, the mushrikeen in Mecca, what did they do? They immediately went back. They started securing financing. And they started looking for ways that they could take revenge on the burgeoning Muslim community in Al-Madinah.

And then after that was what? What did they do? They regrouped and they came to Uhud to fight against the Prophet ﷺ and the believers again. So in the Arabian Peninsula and all around Al-Madinah, people were saying, all of these people from Mecca and all of these surrounding tribes, they're coming together to attack you. And Allah eternalized this in the Quran when He said:

Those who people came to and said, all of the people are gathering against you, so fear them. (Quran 3:173)

So they're going to be a community under attack. Fear them. What was their reaction?

It only increased their faith. And they said, Allah is enough for us and He is the best of protectors. (Quran 3:173)

Our Response to Challenges

So while we as Muslims say, we reject violent acts, we reject terrorism, we reject anything, we reject it unequivocally regardless of who perpetrates it. Muslim or non-Muslim? Person of faith or person of no faith? And we don't accept to be responsible for the actions of others. But in fact, our faith teaches us that every single individual is responsible for his own actions. We won't allow ourselves to be painted with a broad brush in the community.

But when you inculcate that into your children's minds and hearts, then they can stand on their own two feet and say, I have nothing to do with this and I don't accept anyone trying to paint me with a broad brush. But what they hear from the news and they hear from you can have an effect on programming them to automatically think that somehow they are culpable or guilty. So the way that you react directly affects the way that your children react.

Positive Response vs. Victim Response

When your children hear of something wrong and they see a strong stance from you, we reject this on moral grounds, on religious grounds, but we're not responsible and we'll help to make society a better place. It's different than them hearing, oh my gosh, we're being accused again, why won't people leave us alone, we didn't do this, and then you start repeating the same things that your detractors want to hear from you. And this has a subconscious effect on yourself and a subconscious effect on your children.

Because the more that you repeat the narrative of the person who is talking against you, the more you imbibe and take in negative feelings about yourself, even if it's subconscious. You might think that by saying this or repeating things or rejections of anything that you're being accused of that you're somehow doing yourself a service or doing the community a service when in fact you may be ingraining these ideas into your head and allowing your children to hear them as well.

So it's extremely important not to allow yourself to become a victim. It's enough for you to say morally we reject this, but guess what, we have lives as well and we're moving on and bettering our lives and bettering the lives of other people. To remain positive in everything that you say and everything that you do has an effect on your psyche and your positivity and psyche has an effect on your children.

The Power of Positive Language

Notice that the Prophet ﷺ said:

(Sahih al-Bukhari 6179)

None of you should say about himself that I feel filthy. But let him say instead, I feel put off.

Notice the difference in words. When you say the word, I feel filthy, it has a visceral effect on the mental imagery that is brought up.

Avoiding Negative Community Talk

One thing that I hear a lot from Muslims as they say, man, subhanAllah, everything that's happening in the masjid today, we are the worst. This never happens anywhere else, only in our organizations. Have you ever heard things like that? You've obviously never been to a Baptist church.

I grew up baptized in the Baptist church, went to Presbyterian, Lutheran, Catholic churches as a child, went to a lot of different churches, Mormon church as a child, and it happens everywhere. It happens everywhere. But the difference is how you internalize those problems or you externalize them and decide that I'm going to be a person that's positive, not dwell on those problems and seek solutions instead of focusing on the problems.

Learning from Anas ibn Malik

Anas ibn Malik, may Allah be pleased with him, he said, he was from the time he was 10 years old until the death of the Prophet ﷺ, he was a servant in the prophetic household. And alhamdulillah you have Shaykh Ahmed Kurdi here who's doing the prophetic day, and I'm sure he's going to mention a lot about Anas.

But Anas, may Allah be pleased with him, from the time he was 10 years old to the time he was 20 years old, he served the Prophet in his home. And he said about him:

(Sahih al-Bukhari 6038)

I've never touched silk brocade as soft as the hand of the Prophet ﷺ and the Prophet ﷺ never said "oof" to me. But if I did anything wrong, then he used to say, God has destined it and He does what He wills.

Then he would tell me what was right.

Being a Guide, Not a Judge

So he was a guide to this young man, right. Not a judge, jury, and executioner. And that speaks to us and our vision of ourselves and who we want to produce as a community and who we want to produce as our children. Do we want children that will become, that feel themselves as victims and will be vindictive when they see things wrong? Or do we want children who see themselves as victors? People that can give help to others and that can be helped in times of weakness.

So it's extremely important that we know the choices that we're placing in front of our children and how that affects them.

The Importance of Kindness

Being comforting and kind with our children is extremely important. Even when they seem to be the most difficult children to deal with. The Prophet ﷺ, he said:

(Sahih Muslim 2594)

That kindness and gentleness never entered a thing except that it beautified it. And it never exited a thing except that it made it unpleasing.

So it's extremely important for us to be understanding, communicative, comforting to our children in their times of need and not to be too preachy. And it's very easy, I know this especially because I'm a father, right? I think fathers have to be the most preachy and all the women say yes.

The men are definitely preachy, right? We can be, you know, we're the man of the house and we know best and you must listen to us, right? But many times that puts up a wall with your children that doesn't allow them to process what you're trying to say. And so sometimes it's better that you go through a series of questions and answers with them instead of trying to impose your point try to convey your point.

Teaching Through Dialogue

A young man came to the Prophet ﷺ and he said, I will accept Islam however I want permission for illicit relations with women. The Prophet ﷺ said would you love for that to happen with your mother or your sister or your aunt? He said, no, of course not. He said, well then what about the mothers and the sisters and the aunts of other people? He said, true. And he accepted Islam. (Ahmad 22211)

So you have to converse with the child instead of just saying this is right and this is wrong. And at times you have to remain quiet.

Sometimes Silence is Better

Another young man came to the Prophet ﷺ and he said, I will accept Islam with the condition that I only have to pray two times a day. The Prophet ﷺ said, what? Aslim. He said, accept Islam. He didn't answer the condition. He just said Aslim. After the man became Muslim he started praying five times a day. (Abu Dawud 3201)

Commenting on this hadith, scholars have said that's because before you are Muslim you are in no condition to conditionalize Islam. You have to enter the door before you can see what's inside. So sometimes it's better for us just to leave certain things that our children do and say alone and they'll work through it. And later on in life they'll say to themselves remember that stuff that we used to do we used to think that, you know, mom and dad never knew about it and they were just so nice to us and they just let us go.

Alhamdulillah, I'm so glad that I had parents that were understanding and they didn't try to reprimand us for everything. But sometimes it's important to not be preachy and to allow things to let go. To be a person of forgiveness.

The Importance of Asking for Forgiveness

And the most important thing that you can do is, and I found this to be extremely beneficial myself is that when you do mistakes when you do wrong your children and you will, you will wrong your children you will say things to them you will do things to them you will put them in situations that are difficult for them when you feel that you have wronged your child you have to be humble enough to ask your child for forgiveness regardless of how small that child is.

Understanding Changing Needs

And lastly, in your children's life I would say that you need to always assume that you are needed but you will be needed in different ways at different times so the needs of your children when they are 5 years old are not the needs of your children at 15 are not the needs of your children at 35 alhamdulillah, I don't have 35 year old children but when your child is 5 you treat them differently than you do when they're 10 when they're 15, when they're 20 and when they're 25 and when they're 30.

Avoiding Perpetual Childhood

In our community many times and I see this all the time we treat our adult children as perpetual children so even though they're 35 years old they still are at home, they're like they have never grown up and this causes major problems in their lives and it causes major problems in their marriages because we don't want to let go of them as kids and we think that we will always be there to arbitrate their decisions.

And we have to realize that after the child reaches the age of puberty and is of an age of majority and responsible that they are responsible for themselves in front of Allah so what you have to do is concentrate on being the best you can to them before that point and then being the best for them after that point meaning that they can always come back to you even if they've made mistakes, they know that their door is open they know that your door is open for them.

Building a Legacy

But while they're in your care make sure that you inculcate in them the best of what you can from amongst the morals and the beliefs that we hold dear as Muslims and after that point, make sure that you are always there to stand by those morals and those beliefs so that they can always find solace and comfort in you when they need but if you're always going to be that dad that's always saying yes, no, do this, do that even when they're 35 years old if you're always going to be that mother that's you know oh my little baby and you don't understand let me tell you, and not only let me tell you but let me tell your wife because she doesn't know okay, this is the number one cause of marital problems right, is where we not only treat our children like perpetual children but we treat their spouses like perpetual children.

And we have to realize that we, if we if one of the functions of our presence here on earth is the creation of a legacy when Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala said that he's creating Adam what did he say:

I am placing in the earth a khalifa. (Quran 2:30)

What is the translation of khalifa in this verse usually translated as vicegerent, ruler, right cause those are very authoritative and they're very strong words, right we're going to rule the earth, right but the better translation would be steward, one who cares for the earth and some scholars have even said that khalifa here is jama' al-jama' it is a plural of a plural, it's the plural of khala'if khala'if meaning generations khala'ifu takhlufu ba'duha ba'da generations one after the other.

Why did the jinn say are you going to place in the earth those that corrupted and spread bloodshed because there had already been creations in the earth that were corrupt and they spread bloodshed and they did not have generational propensity to multiply and to live with each other in peace so what did Allah say:

I know what you know not. (Quran 2:30)

It is He who has created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them, and He placed between you affection and mercy. (Quran 30:21)

So your function as a parent is to create a legacy through your children but allow your children to live that legacy allow them to move on when the time comes invest your emotions invest your time in when they're with you so that when they leave your home they can fulfill that legacy and make you proud.

Questions and Answers Session

So with that I think that's all I have to say to you today and if you all have any questions then I'll be happy to take any questions or comments that you have Jazakumullahu khairan.

Question: Balance Between Listening and Authority

Question: I heard in a khutbah once that someone said that one of the problems with parenting nowadays is that the parents are listening too much to the kids and so the kids become the parents and the parents are no longer the parents. What is the right way that you direct us to be friendly and informal to the kids?

Answer: I would say that that is true to some degree because it's easier just to live at one of two polar opposites either to be the authoritarian that allows nothing or to be the ultimate libertarian that allows everything your child asks for. When in reality you're spoiling them and you're not showing them the worth of hard work and the worth of working for something and of earning something so we have to be there in the middle.

So I advocate that if your child wants something you make them understand that nothing is gained except through hard work and that also you make your child understand that there are boundaries in life and that you must say no to your children at times some parents they think that by saying no or by reprimanding their children or doing anything that will make their child sad or cry they're somehow wrong in their child and that's not true the number one thing your child needs from you is to learn boundaries but it's the way that you go about teaching them those boundaries which is important.

Do you teach them boundaries by being extremely harsh or do you calmly work them through the thought process? I mean I have some kids I work them through the thought process so what do you think about that well do you think that that would necessarily be a good idea well okay so why wouldn't it be a good idea okay then you can understand what I'm saying when I tell you no okay right and I have some kids you know can you understand how that can be a bad idea no well what if you look at it this way no well okay since all you have to say is no I'm just going to say no as well and the conversation is final but they understand that you've tried to walk them through it.

But it's really I do see that you know on one end of the spectrum where everything is a no and that's a problem and the other end of the spectrum everything is a yes and that's definitely a problem because we, you know when you don't have any boundaries then later in life it's going to be even more difficult to understand kind of what are the ethical boundaries for me in any situation especially as an adult.

Question: Electronic Devices and Age Limits

Question: In the same regard following up with that similar thought what do you think would be an appropriate age for the children to have those electronic gadgets or the phone and things like that so where do you draw like since you have mashallah six children at different ages so how do you deal with those kinds of things with electronics?

Answer: I think that it's important to place boundaries on the use of electronics none of my children have had cell phones until they were in high school and that was just because now they're involved in clubs and they're staying after school and we do need a way to contact them our younger children as infants we do a lot of computer time for them or you know educational programs on the iPad but it's nothing that they're allowed you know 24-7 access to and you just have to regulate the boundaries of those things.

Obviously there are developmental issues you know I'm not the person to speak on that but there are definitely studies about developmental issues of the use of electronics by small children and those should be consulted but you know there's a there's a huge benefit for kids not to be on the iPad and instead go outside and play in the sandbox I think that there's a lot that can be said about developing those early you know motor skills and you know getting out getting the fresh air so it's important for you to consult with your spouse, consult with other parents and with experts about early learning and find out a time that's suitable for your child and the situation that they're in.

Comment: Gradual Approach to Prayer

Sister's Comment: I have a comment often time you know we try to push the children that pray the namaz five times so they're reluctant but what I started my strategy I might be wrong okay let's do maghrib with me at least do maghrib let's start one at a time then when they have the taqwa maybe they will do it coming to Islamic school we are everyday late so I thought okay that's fine we're missing the first hour class so I said who's the teacher for the first hour class he's very good so we are missing his class then but that's too early but I thought okay let's keep it and maybe one day we'll make it so the strategy was like this I don't want to push too much because then we're going to lose it.

And you know the home environment the electronics is not the children it's the parents we watch TV we are on the iPad dad when he comes from work watching CNN so it's our habit and they follow so before putting the rules on the children I might be wrong again you know please correct me but I think we have to change our habit putting 2-3 hours on the TV or on the internet they follow us so if we can correct ourselves I think the kids will follow and also I'd like to make a comment that we should not also put too much pressure because our chances to give them the taqwa is up to age maybe 14-15 after that it's whatever we have given them they will work on that.

Response: Very good thank you so much I agree that your children will definitely work with what you have inculcated in them and the habits that you've instilled in them and so with regards to prayer I've seen that I've seen it dealt differently in different families and there will be different reactions for example a child who is 4-5 years old should just be said hey do you want to pray with us and you know what if they come and they say takbir and they stand there and then the entire prayer they just running around and causing problems and you know jumping on furniture and then as soon as the salah is going to be done and then you can react in one of two ways you can say don't ever run around when we are praying

again right what do they take away from that negativity but if you hug them after salah and say good job you did such a good job praying and we are going to keep doing that right and eventually they start understanding that how they should react while others are in prayer and they also associate salah with something positive and that's love and that's a hug and that's friendliness and that's care so it's important to make those connections.

And then also you know the adage is true the family that prays together stays together and I think that's very admirable that you say okay let's pray together at least that builds in your child the sense of family the sense of community and allows them to understand that it's always a more positive experience when you're together doing something when you're doing it separately but of course it starts from when they're young and instilling in them the ideas of happiness around these events instead of the ideas of you know it's like some parents say if you don't be good I'm going to take you to the masjid you know that's like the very wrong the worst thing you can say you know if you're a good kid then I may take you to the masjid if you're good then they have the incentive to want to do better right so you have to incentivize things with positivity and happy experiences instead of so that's very admirable and I agree that it has a lot to do with our habits and how we present ourselves.

Question: Prayer Obligations for Adolescents

Question: Just a quick question when we have our kids reaching to the age of puberty like 12 13 we know that most of the kids that I know of our culture they are still very kid how would we try to move them to make sure that they are praying five times and that's basically is two part question how would we as a parent are responsible in moving them to pray five times and the second part is are they really responsible or they'll be answerable to not praying at the age of 12 or 13?

Answer: Well the only time that you're obligated to pray is after they're reaching the age of puberty and being you know an age of majority our responsibility as a parent is to either pray with them or to remind them the choices that they make after that are their own choices and they will be responsible for them but we do need to instill in them the idea of personal responsibility and the idea of you know what is it that you value you know what is it that you get out of this and you can only make salah something that they value if you've instilled in them feelings of happiness and positivity around those events.

What I personally do is you know if I get home from the university around 1 I won't stop at the local masjid and pray and I won't pray when I get home on my own I wait until my children get home at 3 and even though we're praying they're late I try to pray with them you know I waited for you guys I want to pray with you so that they feel that there's some the sense of family and the sense of love is there.

You know I don't do you guys do like first and second and third jumahs here in the masjids in Southern California not in this masjid but in others right so we are lucky in our area that there are second and third jumahs that are late enough that I can get my kids from school sometimes and take them for jumah

because they're not allowed to do jumah in their high school some high schools in Houston actually do jumah in the high school but my kids school does not but it's important that you show them that hey let's go and do this as a family instead of the fire and brimstone let's do this so that you don't go to hell child it's two different ways that you can deal with it.

But yeah they have to understand that they are responsible for their own actions and that their parents are not going to be there for them forever and you know I always tell my kids that if these basic things when people when you can commit to a few basic things personally then publicly as well when you go out and get a job that's going to be noticed because people will notice your dedication to the things that you value personally and they will value you and they will value the other things that you hold dear as well and it's only it's only a key to success.

Question: Protecting Children from Negative Influences

Question: Regarding the topic of today and the second question is not related with that but it's kind of related with you the first question which is related with the topic is these days you know kids are reading all kind of material from when they become like reading the books and we don't know what kind of stuff they're reading and they're getting like effects from their whatever they're reading plus from their teachers in public schools and I notice some of the kids are becoming even like away from Islam, they're thinking oh where is God, how is the God exist does he even exist, those kind of questions, so how to save the kids from this kind of material and second question just interested to know how did you become Muslim?

Answer: So the first question of your children's exposure to material in school it's inevitable if your children are if your children are in any level of school they're going to have mandatory reading lists and if your children are academically excelling then they're going to be reading and exposed to much more than what you had ever envisioned and so it's important for you to as a parent to ask them, so what are you reading this semester, do you have a reading list, familiarize yourself with those books, you don't have to read those whole books, cliff notes is a very good resource, you know if you don't want to go and read that literature but familiarize yourself and be able to speak to your children cogently about those about that material and about those subjects so that they understand how to deal with it and how to contextualize it.

And you know dinner table conversations are very important even when they're difficult you know when when there was the there's any major situations that come up in the news I always make it a point to talk to my children about it you know whether it was for example the Supreme Court ruling on same sex marriage or it was the murder of Trayvon Martin they need to be spoken to about these things and they need to hear from you as a father and a mother what your ideas and what your thoughts are on about it and how you feel that they need to understand this in society because you know if you don't then they're

going to go and take someone else's opinion but they're looking to you as a parent to think what do my mom and dad have to say about this.

And if you can be level headed and you can present to them something that is reasonable and that they feel even if your children sometimes will disagree but as long as you can be reasonable and say this is how I feel about this subject this is where I think what I think should be done they'll be more inclined to take your opinion because of their love and their respect for you so the one reason why kids will go out and kind of latch on to someone else's opinion is because the attention as long as you're giving your children the attention they'll look for that attention with you but if you as the sister mentioned if you're on your iPad that's great oh books I read books too and you leave it like that then you can't expect them to engage with you so you have to engage with them.

And that means understanding it, what are they doing in school what are they reading, what are their projects who are their friends and being part of their lives I think that many times when we send our children to other schools we think somehow I'm a taxpayer, school is going to do what I want they're not going to do what you want you have to be part of the school system when I send my children to Islamic school oh my children are in a pristine environment they're not going to learn anything bad no, the kids in Islamic school are bad too they're going to pick up bad habits but the environment the learning material is different and you can hope that the administration understands that and is helping you helping you deliberate and navigate parenting your child.

But the public school is not going to be a parent and the Islamic school is not going to be a parent the Saturday school is not going to be a parent the Sunday school is not the after school program is not the only person that can be a parent is you the only person that can parent your children is you and if you don't parent them then they will start to look for input and ideas and acceptance elsewhere and so it's important for you to be part of the process regardless of whether that's their sports club, whether that's their reading list whether it's their friends you know just be an active parent in all situations regardless of where they are.

About me and myself and how I became Muslim it was very simple, I read an article about Islam when I was 14 years old and then at the age of 15 this is the pre-internet age so we actually did ignore each other by reading books, we didn't use cell phones and iPads but this is the pre-internet age so I had to go to public libraries and find books and after about a year of reading, alhamdulillah I accepted Islam.

Comment and Question: Gender Differences in Parenting

Comment and Question: So two things one comment and one question so just a practice I personally do now especially, I have smaller kids I try to make sure that when I come home usually I come home in the evening that I make it a point to be fully engaged with them to not be in front of TV and phones and things like that because that typically I think does influence them and if you're not engaged with them

not present with them, I think they do notice that it's very obvious and so it's I think important to when you're with your kids, actually be with them not doing some other thing basically so that's one thing.

In terms of attitude towards your children right so different if you have a male child and a female child typically, like you can you try to be fair with them obviously but is there usually a good best practice or something that from an Islamic standpoint is recommended in terms of your attitude toward one child of a certain gender versus another child of a different gender or should you generally be pretty fair to both of them an age difference I know it makes a difference for sure like you said it's important to treat your kids for the appropriate age but from a gender standpoint is there any, like from a tone and just dealing with them and your attitude in other words, like you know sometimes I think culturally parents are often more strict with sons, right, in certain cases daughters would disagree but yeah I should rephrase I think they're maybe more harsh I think with sons, I think they think sons can take it more versus a little more gentle but probably more strict with daughters, in that standpoint, right so it's really for both things like in terms of your attitude and your behavior and your fairness and the strictness as well as just your tone with children?

Answer: I think that it's important when dealing with children of different genders to be equal between them you know the prophet he said that be just between your children but if I were to prefer one then I would prefer the daughters and so what my experience has been is that we can be while we may be harsher with boys in kind of tone and dealing, we are a bit more lax in their level of access and their level of freedom whereas we're extremely protective and can be very restrictive to females and that's noticeable and that can have very bad reactions later in life and so it's important to be just between your children and give them the same access that they have and to respect their maturity and their decisions and to teach them how to navigate society as a whole.

I tell my kids that both boys and girls men and women are just as responsible for their actions as anyone else and therefore when dealing with each other in public with dealing with the opposite gender you're going to be held just as responsible as anyone else I think that it's good for us as fathers to understand how someone said to me, one of the elders said to me the other day the way that I look at it is a young girl, the only man that a young girl needs in her life is her father and the only woman that a young man needs in his life is his mother until they get to that age to be able to deal with that.

And I think that when we live in hyper-sexualized cultures that objectify relationships between male and female and really expose children to things which are kind of beyond their scope at that time that it's extremely important for us as parents to be there for them and so as a father I would tell you that there's a great book you can read it's called Strong Fathers Strong Daughters it's one of the best books that I've read on the topic of raising young girls and I highly recommend it, I think that it'll have a lot of answers for you.

Closing Remarks

Well Jazakum Allah Khayran everyone I think that's um that's it, hand it back over to sister Iman Jazakum Allah Khayran Sheikh Joe for being with us this morning speaking to us and thank you thank you all for being with us today I was Sheikh Joe will be at San Gabriel Valley inshallah and he had put together this seminar it's called 40 Hadith for Financial Success so if you are able to attend please do attend and do pass the information to your friends and families inshallah we will see you next month with Dr. Marwa Azab, she'll be talking about the effect of stress on the brain so thank you, Jazakum Allah Khayran Assalamu Alaikum.