Don't Get Angry

Islamic Guidance on Anger Management

Joe Bradford

Opening

May the peace, mercy, and blessings of Allah be upon you.

Khutbah Opening Supplications

Quran 3:102

Quran 4:1

Quran 33:70-71

Translation of Opening Supplications

Allah is whom we praise. We praise him and we thank him. And we seek refuge in him from the evil of our own souls and the evil of our actions. Whomsoever he guides, none can misguide him. Whomsoever he leaves astray, none can guide to the truth. And I bear witness that there is no one worthy of worship but God Almighty alone and that Muhammad, peace be upon him, is his slave and messenger.

O you who believe, be mindful of Allah as he should be minded. Do not die except as Muslims. O mankind, be mindful of your Lord who created you from one soul. And from that soul its mate. And from those two spread many men and many women. And be mindful of those you ask your rights from. And be mindful of the wombs that bore you. For indeed Allah is ever watchful over you.

O you who believe, be mindful of Allah and speak the truth. He will guide you to righteous deeds and forgive you of your sins. And whomsoever obeys Allah and his messenger has achieved the greatest achievement.

The best of speech is Allah's speech. And the best of guidance is the guidance of Muhammad, peace be upon him. And the worst of affairs are those newly introduced. And everything newly introduced into faith is an innovation. And every innovation goes astray. And everything which goes astray leads one to the hellfire.

The Prophetic Advice: "Don't Get Angry"

A man came to the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم and asked him a question. Asking him for advice, he said to the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم: "Give me advice."

Who better than the one who's revealed to from above seven heavens to take advice from? The man said to him: "O messenger of Allah, give me advice."

The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم answered him in one of the most simple answers that he's given. He said:
"لا تغضب" - "Don't be angry."

The man then repeated his question many times. And every time the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم answered him saying: "لا تغضب" - "Don't get angry."

Sahih Bukhari - narrated by Abu Hurairah رضي الله عنه

And the person who came and asked the question is not mentioned. Many times we find in the hadith of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم that the narrator doesn't mention the name of the person. Because we're not to be concerned with who's getting mad, but with the lesson about anger.

Understanding Anger: The Nature of This Emotion

Anger is an emotion that each and every one of us experience. Anger is an emotion which is a natural reaction at times to the things that happen around you. But anger as an emotion as well is very destructive.

It can take forms. It can take means which not only harm those you're angry at, but also harm yourself. When you're able to control your anger, you can stop that harm.

You can stop harming yourself and harming others. You can be sure that you avoid the evil outcomes and the negative outcomes that happen after getting angry. It's not wrong to get angry, but at times that anger goes beyond bounds.

And it goes or it reaches a point where it's no longer just something that you're showing your displeasure through. But it's something that becomes a destructive force. Something that harms yourself and harms others.

The Wisdom of the Salaf on Anger

This is why many of the pious people of the past, the Salaf, they used to say that whoever can avoid anger can avoid most of the evil in their life. Because things are either good or bad. So some of them used to say that if you cannot get angry, you can avoid half of all bad things in your life.

Because things will either be good or bad and the bad is a result of getting angry. So don't get angry and you can avoid being harmed by that anger. You can avoid evil or nefarious or problematic things in your life.

Some of them رحمة الله تعالى used to say that evil in one's life is a result of two things: الشهوة والغضب (ash-shahwa wal-ghadab) - desire and anger. That there are things in life which are either good or evil. And evil is divided into two causes.

Evil is caused by desire or by anger. And therefore if you can avoid getting angry, then you will stop yourself from unlocking the doors to desire. And you will be left with just the good in your life.

The Connection Between Anger and Desire

Many times we don't think about desire as having been a result of our anger. Many times when we're angry, when we're disappointed, when we're upset, we think that we deserve something. "I was wronged and therefore I have to get retribution."

"I was wronged and therefore I deserve to do such and such thing." We then try to placate ourselves, satisfy our souls by then indulging in those things which are desirous to us. But in reality, we're only harming ourselves more.

Angry that we don't have something in life and then doing things which in the end of the day only harm us. Anger is an emotion that overpowers your ability to think clearly. And so when you get angry, you may not even think about the negative effects of the things that you do while angry or after you are angry.

The Quranic Example of Musa عليه السلام

It's an emotion which is akin to someone screaming in your ear to a loud calamitous sound that drowns out everything around it. It's a natural reaction but it's one that we have to learn to control.

Allah سبحانه وتعالى says about Musa عليه السلام that when he came back from Mount Sinai, when he came back and he saw that his people had indulged in idol worship, what did he do?

Quran 7:150
"He was worrisome, troubled and angry."

Allah سبحانه وتعالى says:

Quran 7:154
"When Musa was then, when the anger was then quiet, when the anger quieted itself away from Musa عليه السلام, then he picked up the tablets that had been given."

The word here is the same word that's used for silence. Because when we're angry, our thoughts are clouded, they're overcome by a lot of different voices in our mind about what should have been or what could have been.

The Proper Channel for Anger

And so anger at times can be a result of our displeasure with what Allah سبحانه وتعالى has decreed and our knowledge of how to deal with those things which are wrong at the time when they are wrong. It's not bad to get angry.

Hadith - Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said

"Whoever loves for the sake of Allah and hates for the sake of Allah and gives for the sake of Allah and takes for the sake of Allah, then he has sought to complete his iman."

So it's not wrong to be angry, but it's how do you channel that anger? Do you allow it to overcome you? Or do you make sure that you only use that energy that results in something being displeasing to Allah to then correct it and make things better and make things from what Allah جل جلاله loves.

A Personal Story from Medina

One of my teachers while I was in Medina, he came to class late one morning. And one of the traditions that he had in all of his classes is that he would not jump directly into the subject matter.

But instead he would open with a story or with a fa'idah, some point of benefit. And so that morning he didn't, he came in, he was exhausted. And he said: "I overslept this morning because I spent all night in the hospital with one of my children last night."

His child had had what seems to have been an asthma attack, had to go for a nebulizer. That time those things weren't common in people's homes, you had to go somewhere for it. So he said: "You know last night I had an epiphany about the statement of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم: لا تغضب."

"I had a realization about the Prophet's صلى الله عليه وسلم statement, don't get angry. He said, as my child was in the emergency room being treated and they had him on the machine, has to sit there for some time to be able to take the medicine. I walked around to see who else was there that was sick, who else was there that was hurt."

"Maybe I can give them some words of advice, console them in some way. So he said, I walked out into the waiting room. And I saw a young boy who was maybe three to four years old."

"And his arm was twisted up and broken. And he was holding his arm. He said, so I said to the father: خير إن شاء الله لا بأس."

"He said, hopefully everything is good, no harm has come. ما هذا, what is this? He said, the father hung his head down in shame. And he said: هذا هو الغضب."

"He said, this, this is anger. He said, I never realized what the definition of anger was. He said, while many of us try to define anger in words, nothing defines it better than our regret for the hurt that we cause others."

While many of us try to define anger in words, nothing defines it better than the hurt that we cause others.

When the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم told us: لا تغضب, don't get angry. He was giving us instructions to not harm others in that moment, and not to leave behind for ourselves and for them a life of hurt.

Why Do We Get Angry?

So the question then remains, why do we get angry? Why do we anger and we do we allow ourselves to get angry? And we'll talk about this in the coming khutbah.

Second Khutbah

All praise is due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon the Messenger of Allah, his family, his companions, and all those who follow them in righteousness until the day of judgment.

So why do we get angry? Many times when we say don't get angry, the problem is we haven't identified our anger enough to know what it is when it happens.

Recognizing Our Anger Patterns

We can get so angry sometimes that we don't realize that we're angry all the time. We're melancholic all the time. We're just disturbed by everything around us, whether it is good or bad.

And each and every one of us, I'm almost certain that each and every one of us has lived like that at some part in their life. Sometime in your life, unless you start to name your anger, you won't know it. And if you don't know it, then you can't obey the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم when he said don't get angry.

It takes introspection. It takes asking yourself, what happens when I find myself getting angry? When you think about when you're angry, today you can do this in the afternoon. Think about when you're angry.

Think about how do I appear towards others? What have other people told me about how I was acting when they said I was angry? And then let me take those attributes and those characteristics that they described me with and look back in my life and see if I've actually done that at other times. Let me put a name on my anger. Let me think about how it affected the people around me.

Understanding Your Triggers

And then once you know the environment that it happens in, start to think to yourself. Okay, how was I feeling at that moment? Was my chest open? Was my heart full of joy? Or was I closed, compartmentalized, angsty, worried, disturbed? Did I feel a sense of constriction or a sense of openness?

Did I feel like I could see the future? Or was I only focused on what was happening there at that moment? Remember the sights, the sounds, the smells, the things that were happening around you. And you'll start to understand who your anger is and when it pops its head up into the situations that you're doing it, that you're getting angry in.

Think of it as something separate than you. Don't allow your anger to be part and parcel of who you are. But think of it as something that visits you at the worst time.

Then, at the worst place, then you can start to control the times and the places that you get angry in. Start understanding what triggers your anger. And then understand what's going on inside of yourself to make you want to invite that horrible guest into your life.

Taking Control of Your Reactions

Because you cannot control what other people do. This is a very key point for controlling anger. You cannot control what other people do.

You can control how you react to what other people do. The only thing in the end of the day that you have control of is yourself and how you react. So by understanding where, when and how you get angry, you can then start to understand why it is you get angry.

What happens when you get angry. And then change the circumstances and you will find that your emotions will change as well.

Using "I Feel" Statements

A helpful way of doing this is by using "I feel" statements.

So when I'm angry I feel... and then fill in the blank. When I'm angry I feel like screaming at my child. When I'm angry I feel like punching someone. When I'm angry I feel like indulging in more food, more drink, more whatever it may be. When I'm angry I feel like cursing. When I'm angry I feel...

Use "I feel" sentences and the things that happen when you feel that way and you'll start to uncover why it is and what happens when you get angry.

Understanding the Consequences

And then lastly you have to think about the consequences of your anger. Not just the consequences of it to other people but the consequences of it to you. There are some people who are so out of touch with positive emotion that they can only express negative emotion.

They are so used to feeling unsafe. They are so used to playing the victim. They are so used to being critical that when they are not unsafe, when they are safe, when they are not critical, when they are empathetic, when they are a victor not a victim, it feels so out of place that they don't want to be there.

They would rather succumb to the negative emotion than push themselves through and improve themselves. If you are that person you have to ask yourself when I'm angry what am I really feeling? Not just anger. I'm feeling closed off from the world.

Addressing Loneliness and Isolation

I'm feeling alone. Loneliness is a huge issue in our community and in communities around the world. Social isolation and loneliness is a huge issue.

And it brings up feelings of anger. If that's a problem for you how do you then solve your anger? Not by wishing that you would be around people, by going out and being around people. By taking action you can change the way that you feel.

By taking action you can start to repair the damage that has been done.

Practical Guidance from the Sunnah

There are a few things from the sunnah of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم that guide us as to how to deal with our anger in the moment. Many times we talked about the process of identifying and diagnosing our anger but we don't think about what to do at that time.

Having a Trusted Advisor

One of the best things to have with you at the time that you get angry is someone that you trust that can tell you and call you on your anger. That can say to you, you're doing it again, you need to stop. Now if we're proudful, we're proud, that will many times not work.

You have to be humble enough to allow someone else to critique you in the moment. And that in and of itself is a whole another topic.

Remaining Silent When Angry

The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم, he said:

Hadith

"If one of you becomes angry, he should remain silent."

By simply choosing not to speak, you cut off the ability of anyone to pull more anger out of you or inject more anger into you. Somebody says something dumb to you, someone says something rude or critical, all you have to do, be quiet.

Hadith

"Whoever believes in Allah and the Day of Judgment, let him say good or be quiet."

Speaking Positively

On top of that, you can say something good.
Somebody comes and they say, you know what? You are so ugly. You are one of the worst people I have ever met. You can say, well, you know what? You're a wonderful person.

May Allah bless you and your children and give you wealth beyond your dreams. Say, why would I do something like that for them? Because then that person is going to be so busy with all of that stuff, they're not going to be able to bother you anymore. So you can say something good.

That changes your mindset. Doesn't matter if it changes that person's mindset. But you put yourself back into a positive mindset by speaking positively.

Changing Your Physical Position

The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم also encouraged us that when the moment of anger comes that we change our position. If one of you is angry and he's standing up, he should sit down. And if anger leaves him, great.

And if not, then he should lie down. This hadith was narrated after Abu Dharr implemented it when someone made him angry. They said, what are you lying on the floor for? He said, I heard the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم say. And then he narrated to them this hadith. And this is collected by Ahmed.

Understanding That Anger is Weakness

Also know that anger is weakness. The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said:

Hadith

"Strength is not a person who wrestles another one to the ground. But strength is a person who can control themselves when they get angry."

Anger is weakness. He also said: "Strength, all strength is found in a person who when they're made angry and their face turns red and their hair stands on end, that they still control their anger."

So anger is not strength. It's not manly. It's not masculine. It's not being alpha. None of those other things that we lie to ourselves about. Strength is found in controlling oneself when you're angry.

Quranic Praise for Those Who Control Anger

Allah سبحانه وتعالى praises those who are able to control their anger in the Qur'an when He says:

Quran 3:134

"And those who hold back their anger and those who pardon the people. And Allah loves those people of Ihsan."

Closing Supplications

"O Allah forgive us of our sins and our transgression in our affairs and make our feet firm, O Lord of the worlds."

"O Allah make us from amongst those that restrain ourselves in anger and that pardon people and write us amongst those that are the people of Ihsan."

"O Allah we ask you for your love and the love of those you love and the love of all actions that bring us closer to your love, O Lord of the worlds."

Quran 29:45

"Remember Allah the Great and He will remember you, and thank Him for His blessings and He will increase you, and the remembrance of Allah is greater, and Allah knows what you do."