Do not be a victim By Joe Bradford 12-25-15

Whomsoever He guides, none can misguide him. Whomsoever He leaves astray, none can guide to the truth. And I bear witness that there is no one worthy of worship but Allah alone and that Muhammad ﷺ is His last messenger and slave.

O you who believe, be mindful of Allah as He should be minded and do not die except as Muslims. O mankind, be mindful of your Lord who created you from one soul and from that soul its mate. From those two spread many men and many women.

Be mindful of the wombs that bore you. Be mindful of those you ask your rights from. For He is ever watchful over you.

O you who believe, be mindful of God and speak the truth. He will correct your affairs and forgive you of your sins. And whoever obeys Allah and His Messenger has achieved the greatest achievement.

The best of speech is the speech of Allah. The best of guidance is the guidance of Muhammad ﷺ. And the worst things are those newly introduced. And everything newly introduced is an innovation. And every innovation goes astray. Everything that goes astray leads to the hellfire. And that which you have been promised will come to pass. And there is nothing you can do to avoid it.

The Story of Perspective

It's said that a very rich man was caught in the middle of a natural disaster. During this natural disaster, he had to go to the second story of his house as the first story started to flood. And after the first story flooded, the second story of his home started to flood as well. And so he climbed up onto his roof because of the immense amount of water that had swept through the valley that he lived in.

And as he sat on his roof waiting for help, the water rose even higher. Until he himself was swimming in the water and couldn't keep himself afloat. A boat came by and a man from the side of the boat reached over and he said, "Give me your hand." The man said, "No, go." A second boat came by and he said, "Give me your hand." The man said, "No."

A third boat came by, noticing that two boats prior had gone. And noticing that this man seemed to be from an area where people have certain expectations. He said to him, "Take my hand." And the man gladly took his hand.

Sometimes our perspective dictates our actions. Sometimes the way that we look at things dictates on whether we consume that thing, whether we take that thing to be positive or negative.

The Prophetic Example Against Conspiracy

Last week we spoke in detail about conspiracy theory and self-victimization in our community. In fact, we spoke more about the ideas of conspiracy theories and that it was antithetical to the message of the Prophet ﷺ to invest time into things which are only allusions or suppositions or baseless assumptions.

We mentioned that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala said, talking about this issue of perspective. He praises the sahaba when he says:

Those, when people came to them and they said, "Everyone has gathered against you, so fear them." What was their reaction? So when people came and said, "Everyone has gathered against you, fear them," they said, "Allah is enough for us. He is the best of protectors."

They did not allow what seemingly was negative on the outside to take them to assume the worst. To read things in. To make up consequences that have never happened or may never happen. They were not people of fatalism, where they thought that there was no way that they could get out of anything that was going to happen to them. And they had no responsibility for their own actions. And they were certainly not people of nihilism. People who thought that there is no use in striving for anything and we should just give up on the world. But instead they were people who were proactive in always trying to make situations better. They took responsibility for their actions.

How the Prophet Dealt with Hypocrites

So these ideas of putting and investing time into conspiracy. Although we know that there are those that conspire against Allah and His Messenger. There are those that conspire against the faith of Islam. There are those that conspire against the community of the believers. However, when we look to the sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ, as we mentioned. He ﷺ had amongst him, in his midst, living in his community, hypocrites. Actively working against him to destroy Islam. But what did he do?

(Sahih Muslim and At-Tirmidhi)

As is mentioned in the long hadith of Ka'b ibn Malik, he ﷺ would take what's apparent from them. They would come to him and they would say, "O Messenger of Allah, we couldn't go out to help you. We were busy at our farms. O Messenger of Allah, we wanted to be with you to help you. But there was nothing that we could do. O Messenger of Allah, accept from us our excuses. We have this excuse and that excuse." He would accept from them their excuses. He wouldn't read too much into it. And he would leave those things that they hid from him to Allah to take care of.

The believer should be the same way. Because when you don't, you put yourself in a situation of being a perpetual victim.

Understanding Secondary Gain

Now you may say to yourself, "Why would I as a human being want to be a victim?" And I'll tell you why. Because there is something called secondary gain. A secondary gain is something that you get from a situation that is not necessarily apparent to the person you're dealing with. It's a benefit that you get.

So say for example, I want people to feel sorry for me. So when I see them, "How are you today?" "Actually I'm awful. Everything's horrible. My life is terrible. I've lost this. I've lost that." You'll find a person. They say, "I've lost this person. I've lost that person in my life." Maybe it happened 20-30 years ago. Every time you see them, they mention that. Why? Because the secondary gain that they get from you, is you buying into their misery. Is you feeling sorry for them. Because emotionally they're devoid. They're missing something. And they think that that's the only way that they can fill that void.

So by self-victimizing, we allow ourselves to remain in a situation in which we're miserable. We feel that we're horrible.

Signs of Self-Victimization

1. Constant Complaining

And there are certain signs of a person who is always self-victimizing. One of those signs is that they constantly complain about everything. Anything that's brought to them. It could be the best thing in the world. They'll complain about it.

The way of the Prophets and the Messengers, عليهم الصلاة والسلام وعلى نبينا أفضل الصلاة والتسليم was that they would always look for the positive in everything. And Imam Malik records in his Muwatta that Jesus عليه السلام was walking with his disciples. And the disciples saw a dead goat on the side of the road. And they held their nose up and they said, سبحان الله ما أنتناه - subhanAllah how stinky is this thing. And Jesus عليه السلام he looked at it and he said, "Yes وما أبيض أسنانه - But how white are its teeth."

Look for the silver in the dark cloud. Look for the positive even in a storm of negative. Sometimes that positive is just the lesson that you get from dealing with a certain situation or a certain person. I had a friend who was in a very difficult situation. Everyone that dealt with him was being harsh and rude. And I said, "what did you gain from that?" He said, "I gained that I should never be like those people ever in my life. And I should help those that are in need." Every single thing that you do, don't allow yourself to become one that complains. But be a person that looks for the positive in that.

Allah سبحانه وتعالى says about those people that are looking for the negative: "Woe to you! The reward that Allah has for you is better for those who believe and do righteous deeds. And no one will attain this level except for the patient."

He سبحانه وتعالى told our Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم when the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم himself became slightly despondent at the retorts, slightly despondent at the response of those that disbelieved in Makkah:

"And if it is too much for you to bear when they reject you. And if it's too much for you to bear when they reject you, you feel like you need to drill a tunnel through the earth or climb a ladder into the sky so that you can bring them a sign. But if God wanted to, He would have gathered them all upon guidance. So do not be from amongst the ignorant."

Notice here, He's telling him, ignorance is for you to think that you have to appease everyone. And that if you can't appease them, then you should work yourself into a rut. Don't do this. But instead, be with Allah.

Notice the Prophet Ya'qub ا.س., Jacob, when his son was taken from him. And he felt sorrow. There's nothing wrong with feeling sorrowful. There's nothing wrong with being sad. But notice his reaction when his older sons, who were complicit in Yusuf being taken away, when they challenged him on this, what did he say?

"I only complain of my sorrow and my hurt to Allah. But I know from Allah what you know not." He returned to Allah. He didn't allow himself to become a person stuck in complaints. But instead, his complaining was to Allah.

One of the Salaf said, subhanAllah, أتشكو الرحيم إلى من لا يرحمك - "Glory to Allah. Are you going to complain about the most merciful to those who cannot show you mercy?" It's important that we notice that if we find ourselves caught in complaints, that that's a sign that we're victimizing ourself.

2. Ceding Agency and Control

Another point, or another sign of self-victimization is ceding our agency and our control over ourselves. Where we do become fatalist, where we do become nihilistic, where we do give up hope, where we do think that there's nothing that we can do. When you find people who are overly fatalistic, overly nihilistic, do you know what they do? Although they may have a veneer of religiosity, they're very lax with their sins. Which is why it's no surprise that many people who are arrested, or later on caught, apprehended or killed for extremism, you find them to be extremely lax in the greatest of sins. Because they think that by giving up on life, they're gaining life in the next. Which is not the case at all.

So we have to be people that do not cede our agency to others.

Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says: "My servants, you have no authority over them," speaking to Shaytan. "Except whoever follows you from the astray." So if you find yourself giving in to sins, taking no care for what you do or you say as a believer, then you can be falling in to self-victimization.

And another verse Allah says after this: "And your Lord is enough of a protector for you." So by ceding our agency to others, Shaytan cannot have power over you unless you give in. Sin cannot have power over you unless you give in. Life cannot have power over you unless you give in. It's all about your perspective and how you deal with the things that happen with you. If you find yourself giving in to too much, be careful that you may be victimizing yourself and not really be the victim.

3. Overly Confrontational Attitude

Another sign of self-victimization is an overly confrontational attitude. Where every single thing becomes an argument. Every single thing becomes a problem. Every single thing has to be challenged. Somebody goes out, they see you in public, they say some snide remark about you, "Ah, look at this person, probably a Muslim, probably from overseas, probably doesn't know how to drive, probably doesn't know how to do this. Look at them." Because they see you apparently and they think that they know your heart.

And when you give your heart to them, by being fatalistic and thinking there's no way out, you also have a natural reaction to be confrontational to them. Because you don't realize that the end result, the end goal, is not for you to defend yourself against them. But your end goal is for you to want guidance for them and guidance for yourself.

People would come to the Prophet ﷺ all the time. And they would deal with him extremely harshly. One man came and pulled his collar so hard, that Abu Bakr said, we could see the redness in his neck ﷺ. But when he turned around to him, he had the biggest smile. And he said, "what can I do for you?" And the man said very harshly, "give me from the money that Allah has given you. Because it's not your money nor your father's."

The Prophet ﷺ gave him. He gave him. And he said, "are you happy?" He said, "no." He gave him. "Are you happy?" "No." He gave him so much, that the man finally said, "I'm satisfied." And in several different narrations, the man goes back to his people and says, "go to Medina and believe in Muhammad. For there's a man there that fears not poverty."

So it's extremely important not to become confrontational, even in the face of hardship. Even in the face of abuse. Even in the face of injustice and oppression. But to always take the higher ground. Take the higher ground with your morality, with your character, and with your conduct.

(Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim)

The Prophet ﷺ, he said: "Do not wish to meet an enemy. And ask Allah for freedom from such things. But if you do, then be patient."

Allah ﷻ says: "Push off evil with what is best. Because then, he who you had the most enmity between, will become like your best friend. But no one will reach this level unless they are patient. And no one will reach this unless they have a great portion."

4. Living in Misery

Another sign of self-victimization is living in misery.

Allah ﷻ says: "They wish that you would disbelieve. As they have disbelieved. So that you would be equal." People came to Uthman ibn Affan رضي الله تعالى عنه. And they said, "what does this mean?" He said, "the person who fornicates, would wish that everyone else would do the same." In English we say, misery loves company.

When you fall into a mistake, and you find that you're dragging people down into that mistake, into that sadness, into that sorrow. When you're that man, who can take a hand, but can't give it. Then you may be victimizing yourself.

It's extremely important, that we realize, that while it's natural to be sad, and it's natural to be worried, it is not natural to allow that to go beyond its bounds. The Prophet ﷺ cried, his son Ibrahim passed away. And in that period, there was an eclipse. And the people said, subhanAllah, the sun and the moon eclipsed for the death of the Prophet's son ﷺ. Notice what the Prophet ﷺ said.

(Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim)

He said: "The sun and the moon do not eclipse for the death or life of any person." Kicking superstition, assumption to the side.

(Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim)

He said: "Our eyes cry and our hearts feel sorrow, but we only say that which pleases our Lord." So while it's natural to be worried, it's natural to be sorrowful, it's not natural for us to take those emotions and throw them onto others and gather them together.

أَقُولُ مَا تَسْمَعُونَ وَأَسْتَغْفِرُ اللَّهَ لِي وَلَكُمْ وَلِسَائِرِ الْمُسْلِمِينَ فَاسْتَغْفِرُوهُ إِنَّهُ هُوَ الْغَفُورُ الرَّحِيمُ

The Cure for Self-Victimization

لا إله إلا الله الحمد لله وحده والصلاة والسلام على من لا نبي بعده وعلى آله وأصحابه ومن تسنى بسنتهم إلى يوم الدين

While it is not the position of the believer to invest time into conspiracy theory, it is not the position of the believer to self-victimize, we do have guidance on how to get ourselves out of those situations. There is a cure for taking yourself out of perpetual negativity and misery.

1. Re-evaluate Your Interpersonal Relationships

If you find yourself falling into the trap of self-victimization, the very first thing that you can do is re-evaluate your interpersonal relationships. Re-evaluate yourself and re-evaluate how you deal with others. Many times, we'll say to ourselves, "no one likes me. Everyone hates me. I can't seem to do anything." But if you think about it, if you're constantly projecting the problem on other people, maybe the problem is you.

(Musnad Ahmad - good hadith)

The Prophet ﷺ said in a hadith He narrated it to Imam Ahmad in his Musnad. And it is a good hadith. That he ﷺ said: "The believer is one who is amiable and easy to deal with. He is amiable and good in himself. There is no good in a believer who cannot get along with others or people can't get along with him."

So we have to re-evaluate ourselves personally. It's easy to project out onto others. It's more difficult for us to re-evaluate our own interpersonal relationships. How do we react to others when they bring us problems? How do we react to others when they're happy and we're sad? Do we drag them down or do we allow their happiness to pull us up?

2. Change Your Concept of Yourself

Another way that you can get through self-victimization and take yourself out of that rut is to change your concept of yourself. Think positive thoughts. Say positive things. Have positive emotions.

Allah ﷻ says: "And say to My servants, they should say what's best. Because Shaytan tries to rip them apart." One of my teachers used to say, "The difference between us and this verse is the difference of a dot. We say what's akhshan, what's coarsest, harshest. Whereas Allah wants us to say what's best."

So if you find yourself in this rut, start thinking about the things that you say when speaking to others. Your tone. The words that you use. Sometimes silence is better than speaking at all. Then re-evaluate your emotions. And one way that you can gauge your emotions is by gauging the things that you say about yourself. If you're always describing yourself with negative adjectives, that can be a problem.

Which is why the Prophet ﷺ, he said: "None of you should say, I feel filthy today." Like we say in English, "I feel like garbage." "None of you should speak like this. But let him say, I'm not feeling well. Or I'm feeling put off." Now the feelings are the feelings. But the words that you say determine whether you allow those feelings to perpetuate or you allow those feelings to find a level and then stave off.

The things that you say have a direct effect on how you feel. And it was interesting when I was in another city recently, someone mentioned to me a study. A medical study that if you say and reiterate three things that you have gratitude for every single day, then it's been shown in some studies to have the effect of taking an antidepressant. And our shukr and our hamd should be something that we as believers are always invested in.

3. Think Good Thoughts About the Future

(Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim)

And lastly is thinking good thoughts about the future. The Prophet ﷺ said: "Allah says, 'I am as my servant thinks me to be. And I'm with him when he mentions me.'" So, what are your thoughts on the future? Are you hopeful for good? Or are you always pessimistic? It takes truth with yourself in re-evaluating how you look at life to see if life really matches up to those expectations.

4. Be People of Action

And lastly, we have to be people of action, of proactive outreach. We cannot be people just of theory, of speeches. But we have to be people that even in the most dire situations, we know that the smallest amount of good that can come out of the situation should come out of it.

(Musnad Ahmad)

The Prophet ﷺ, he said: "If the day of judgment starts and one of you has a sapling, a small plant in his hand, then let him plant it in the dirt. Even if it's the day of judgment. Even if you think all hope is lost, the smallest amount of good that you can bring out will be good for you and good for all around you. Even if it lasts a short time."

Du'a

O Allah forgive us of our sins and our transgressions and our actions. And make our feet firm, O Lord of the worlds.

O Allah guide us and guide our children, guide our neighbors and guide our co-workers, O Lord of the worlds.

O Allah we have wronged ourselves and if you do not forgive us and have mercy upon us, then we will truly be at loss.

عباد الله

اذْكُرُوا اللَّهَ الْعَزِيزَ الْجَلِيلَ يَذْكُرْكُمْ وَاشْكُرُوهُ عَلَىٰ نِعْمِهِ يَزِدْكُمْ وَلَذِكْرُ اللَّهِ أَكْبَرُ وَاللَّهُ يَعْلَمُ مَا تَصْنَعُونَ

وَأَقِمِ الصَّلَاةَ