Mamdouh Mustafa March

All praises due to Allah. May Allah's peace and blessings be upon His Prophet Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم.

My dear brothers and sisters, last month we talked about the importance of good words, the importance of saying good, the importance of giving advice, enjoining good and forbidding bad. The importance of كلمة - what comes out from our mouth, what other people hear from us and how important it is. And how it is always associated with what is in the heart. When the good word comes from the heart, it enters the heart. But when it is artificial, when it is pretended, it will not pass the ear.

So my brothers and sisters, follow what Allah عز وجل says:

And say good words.

Best of words - nobody can be better than a person whose words is دعوة to Allah عز وجل. The words that come out from their mouth is inviting people, سبحان الله. You don't have to be telling people "come to Allah." No. You can be telling them "How are you doing?" You can be giving them advice. You can be just having a conversation with them and it is دعوة.

Matching Words with Actions

And that's today's khutbah, إن شاء الله. Who is better in statement than one who is inviting to Allah? But وَعَمِلَ صَالِحًا - and did good deeds, pious righteous deeds.

قول is always associated with عمل. Statement associated with عمل because people will look to what you say - are you following it or not?

We are all humans, yes. We all have weaknesses and we fall short of doing what we say and what we preach. That's expected. But at least we become aware of it. You know why? If I am aware of my shortcomings and I am aware that I am supposed to follow what I say with عمل, and I am aware that sometimes I fail - if this awareness is there, then I will accept your نصيحة when you give it to me.

I will repeat this again: When I know the importance - as Muslim, as a preacher, as a خطيب today, as a teacher, as a father, as a husband, as employer, as a leader - whatever it is, people look up to you. Whether one person or one thousand people doesn't matter. Someone is looking up to you.

So as long as, as a Muslim, I know the importance of matching what I say with what I do, and I know that Allah says "You are enjoining and ordering people with virtue and you forget about yourself" - that's عمل. Easy to tell you, but my عمل - I am aware of the importance of that. I am aware of the آية.

Like Sayyidina Shuayb told these people: "I don't want to end up doing what I am prohibiting you from doing." I am aware of this. And then I am aware that sometimes I am weak, I am human. I have desires, I have هوى and شيطان gets me sometimes.

So if I am aware of those two facts here - what I should do and my own abilities and my weakness - then when my brothers and sisters and community give me support, give me advice, I will be able to accept it easily because I know I am supposed to be that.

Why Advice Becomes Hard to Accept

But the problem: when the نصيحة becomes hard for us, why is it hard for us? Why when somebody gives نصيحة it becomes hard? Because - not because you don't know what is right and wrong, no - because your نفس. نفس - I feel that I am better, I feel I am not supposed to be advised, I feel I am embarrassed, which is your right also, yes.

That's why today we are emphasizing on this معاملة, عمل. You say good to people, but you treat them nicely also. You treat them nicely as well. Then this نفس part will be taken care of, so we don't have excuses. Now you are aware of the importance, you are aware of your weakness, the نصيحة is given to you nicely - الحمد لله you should accept it now.

Because sometimes I am ready to get the نصيحة but the person giving it to me is not giving it right. Or the person is giving me نصيحة right but I am not ready. So that's why today we are emphasizing on how important it is from the Quran and the sunnah of Rasulullah صلى الله عليه وسلم to treat people properly.

Understanding People's Different Natures

معاملة - people are different, my brothers and sisters. People are different.

(Sahih Muslim)

Rasulullah صلى الله عليه وسلم said: "People are like metals - like metals of gold and silver. Their choice is in جاهلية and their choice is in Islam if they understand."

(Sahih al-Bukhari)

He also said: "The souls are soldiers - so what they recognize is different and what they deny is different."

Rasulullah صلى الله عليه وسلم said people are like minerals - like gold and silver, brass, iron. Different. Some precious, some not. So he said the best of them in جاهلية - some people in جاهلية, before Islam, you know they don't believe in Allah but they have good manners. When they become Muslims, they shine even better. So Islam actually brings the best out of everybody.

So my advice to myself and to all my brothers and sisters: remember this very well. The more of a practicing Muslim you are, the better of the original qualities will come out if you follow what Allah says and what Rasulullah صلى الله عليه وسلم says. Because Allah is the one who created you and me with these different qualities. So Islam brings the good qualities out and suppresses the bad qualities. That's what Islam does.

So when you find the opposite happening, it means less Islam in our life, less practice in our life. صلاة is not doing its job.

The Prophet's Way of Bringing Out the Best in People

Rasulullah صلى الله عليه وسلم showed us the best example of how to deal with people. He brings the best out of everybody صلى الله عليه وسلم. You know, we take now classes - how to empower people, how to be empowered, how to be motivated and so on and so forth. "Class this, register this, pay this." But Rasulullah صلى الله عليه وسلم, he gives everyone what brings the best out of them.

"O Bilal, yesterday I heard the sound of your footsteps in جنة. What do you do?" سبحان الله, Rasul asking Bilal, "What do you do?" He's just giving him some motivation here. He said, "Ya Rasulullah, every time I make, I do وضوء, I pray two رکعة sunnah." But سبحان الله, look at us now, 1400 years mentioning Bilal رضي الله عنه.

Rasulullah gave him a title, badge of honor: "Whoever wants to hear Quran as it was revealed from Allah, listen to it from Abdullah ibn Mas'ud." "Whoever wants to know الحلال والحرام - the best person in my ummah who knows halal and haram is Muadh ibn Jabal." "The best person who knows the قراءة of the Quran is Zayd ibn Thabit."

And then he comes to Abdullah ibn Abbas, he said: "اللهم bless him and فقه him in religion and teach him interpretation."

And سبحان الله, hundreds in front of Rasulullah صلى الله عليه وسلم and he looks and said, "Where is such and such صحابي?" That shows how he deals with people. You can care, but sometimes you give someone a look of care and they love it. سبحان الله, not only words - actions as well.

Good Treatment in Relationships

So Rasulullah صلى الله عليه وسلم talked about the صحابة, talked to the صحابة, brought the best out of them. And we need that with our children. We need that with our spouses. سبحان الله, sometimes many relationships are destroyed because of the lack of good words or the lack of the way we look at each other.

Yes, believe me, it's very simple sometimes, but it accumulates over the years and we don't know what is wrong. The husband does not care about his wife's feelings. The wife does not care about her husband's feelings. Each one of them look based on need - what they need from each other and what they are supposed to get from each other. "It is your right to do such and such. It is my right to do such and such. It is your duty to do such... Aren't you the man of the house? Aren't you the woman? You are supposed to do this, you are supposed to do that."

And over the years, there is no good words, there is no smile. Dry. The gap widens. Everybody wakes up in the morning ready to, you know, with the list of things except: "Who is that person who was beside me all night long?" We don't know who is that person. That person is a stranger now. Physically, yeah, we are close and everything, but we are strangers from each other. The hearts are like very far from each other. Busy with the children, busy with the work, busy with the job. And سبحان الله, حسن المعاملة is not there.

معاملة - some good deed, some smile, some "how are you doing," some touch sometimes, a hug or an embrace for no reason except just for the sake of Allah عز وجل. سبحان الله, so معاملة sometimes it is very little but it goes very far.

And I am telling you, sometimes houses are destroyed just for lack of this. So if you are beginner, new in marriage, you will remember what I am saying 20 years later. You will know exactly what does that mean. 30, 40 years later you will know.

Guidelines for Giving and Receiving Advice

Few things, my brothers and sisters, to keep in your mind: Give نصيحة, but make sure you take it also. You are not a giver at all times. Don't be among this class of people who feel entitled to give نصيحة only. Most likely, those will be the critics who do not accept anybody to correct them. And that in itself - the irony of the matter is - نصيحة should not be taken from such people.

You see, if you find someone that always gives you نصيحة, but the minute you advise them: "Slow it down a little bit. Every time you see me you give me نصيحة. What's wrong with that?" You actually failed right there. This is the irony - you just failed right there. "I am giving you نصيحة not to give me نصيحة anymore! I am giving you نصيحة to take it easy on me. Every time you see me you feel like I need نصيحة. Today let's take off today from نصيحة." "No, I have to give you نصيحة and you have to listen." You just disqualified yourself.

It's a give and take. Allah عز وجل says:

تواصوا - تواصوا in Arabic means it goes both ways. تلاسن means both of them they talk tongue with each other. تراحم means both have mercy to each other. تفاعل means تواصوا means one give وصية today, one give وصية tomorrow. So that's a golden advice in how we deal with people - حسن المعاملة.

الدين المعاملة - also, people do not like to be advised in public. People - you, me, everybody - especially when we have shortcomings, we don't like to be advised in public. That's a default rule. Yeah, I accept it in public or not, that's me accepting it, but should you always give it in public? No.

The Wisdom of Private Advice

One of the scholars at the time of Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal - he's narrating that story - he says: "At night somebody knocked on my door. I said, 'Who is it?' He said, 'Ahmad.'" He did not say "I am Imam Ahmad" or this or that. And he's coming when? At night. Because he's a well-known figure, everybody will see where he's going and all of that, so he's coming at night.

"حاجتك يا إمام - What do you need? How can I help you? What brought you now?" He told him, "شغلت قلبي اليوم - Today you made my heart like engaged. You worried me. Why? What happened?" He said, "Today جزتك - I passed by you وأنت تعلم الناس في الفيق - you were teaching people while you are sitting in the shade والناس معهم الأقلام والدفاتر في الشمس - and the people, your students, are sitting in the sun. فلا تفعل اجلس مع الناس - next time when you want to teach, sit with them. Either all of you sit in the shade or all of you sit in the sun."

He could have told him while he was passing and he would have listened and it would have been written. And سبحان الله, Imam Ahmad is not the one who narrated this to us. Who narrated it? The one who got the advice. You get it? So if he did not share it, we would not have known that Imam Ahmad gave him the advice. But سبحان الله, out of his good feelings and importance of this نصيحة, he shared what the Imam advised him because he advised him nicely and privately.

So he gave them the option to share but don't expose. He gave the person the option to share. Give me the option to share it in public if I want, but don't corner me and expose me in public. Two different things. You see, the أخلاق معاملة is important. Now when you advise me in private, I come and share it in front of everybody and I say, "سبحان الله, this person honored me" and all that. It's a big difference. والله, we become a better community. Always give people more options.

Preserving People's Dignity

You know, they say one time General Electric wanted to - the head of accounting was not doing a good job. He was a very good engineer, electric engineer or something like that, but he is very good. But he is the head of accounting department and he was doing a bad job. So the CEO wanted to get rid of that. But how he would do it? He invented a new position - "The main consultant engineer" something like this. And he moved him from the accounting and he brought the best person.

See, yeah, you can fire him. You can do this, you can be heartless and all of that. But you cannot lose his expertise. He is not doing a good job in something, but try to find a way to reserve people's dignity.

And this is very important, by the way, when you are dealing with your father, when you are dealing with your mother, when you are dealing with your sister, when you are dealing with your husband. Your husband is a man also. He is a leader of the house. Yeah, you are equal in certain things, but Allah gave a degree to the husband, to the man. He is out, he is talking and all of that. When you break him, you lose actually. You are not winning.

When you prove your father or your husband or your mother or someone elder than you or your teacher wrong, you are losing. You are not winning anything here. That's why I tell the students: when you make sure that you embarrass your teacher in the class, you lose. You lose, not the teacher. Because the teacher will not be proud as a teacher anymore. The students humiliate the teacher - means you don't have a proud teacher anymore. You will be a bad student. And when you graduate, you are the result of this kind of teachers.

When you challenge your parents all the time, parents become disheartened. They are not going to give you the love that you want as a child. So you are going to lack that part when you grow up and become a parent. When you always challenge your husband and put him down all the time, then he becomes disheartened. He will look somewhere else. You lose. You think you win but you lose.

Understanding What People Want

And this is what we want. We want to develop how to do... One person one time was asked: "Why? How you succeed in dealing with people?" He said, "Do you like fishing?" He said, "I love fishing. And I am a very rich man. I can bring the most expensive food to make it as a bait, put the bait in the hook. But would that work?" He said, "No." He said, "Why?" He said, "Because you put the bait according to the fish, not according to me. Fish going to eat the bait. So do I want flounder? Flounder eat this. Do I want red? Red eat this. Do I want a shark? Shark eat this. This kind of hook, this kind of bait. Not what I can afford, not what can I do, not what I want to do."

And that is the third advice: always see what fits people, not what fits you. You know, one time one of my failed attempts to do business was selling books. Why it failed? For a simple reason: because I buy books that I want to read. And somebody said, "Sheikh, you are not going to make money like this. It doesn't work like that. People like that book." I said, "But it's not a good book." He said, "But people like that book." So you have to know what people want, as long as it is not displeasing to Allah and it's not against the sunnah of Rasulullah.

People Are Like Earth - Diverse in Nature

May Allah give us the حكمة and the wisdom. May Allah open our hearts and our minds.

My brothers and sisters, Rasulullah told us that Allah created us from earth - one handful from all earth. That's why you find Rasulullah said: "The red, the white, the black, in between colors, and in manners also." Rasulullah said: "Good and bad in manners and all that."

The poet says: "People are like earth and they are from it." So people are like earth and they are from it. The earth has rocks - easy, hard, soft, rough, everything. So he said people are like earth and they are from it. So sometimes there is rough rocks that if you walk barefooted it will bleed your feet, and there is another type of rock which is اثمد - اثمد is كحل, كحل that you put in the eyes. You know, the women put in the eyes كحل - sunnah to put to heal the eyes. That is a rock you can put in the eyes, and another rock that will bleed your feet.

So people like that. So you have to know whom you're dealing with. So when you give the نصيحة, you accept it. You have to know what kind of people you deal with. You don't speak in public and embarrass. You have to keep and preserve the dignity of people. You have to know what kind of person and what kind of words and what kind of action, and you follow the دين of Allah and the Quran and the sunnah.

Moving From Theory to Practice

We have to get, my brothers and sisters, at the end of my khutbah, we have to get out of the theory only. We talk and talk and talk. The آداب of food is this. The آداب, etiquette of talking is this. The etiquette of dressing is like this. The etiquette of مسجد like that. And we start living it. That is the part, إن شاء الله.

So بإذن الله تعالى, the highlight of today's khutbah: we start with ourselves and look at ourselves and our lives and those who are close to us and see how we treat them. Are we treating them nicely? Are we treating them right? Are we treating people like we like to be treated or not? The answer إن شاء الله will make us take action بإذن الله تعالى.