Dr. Basem Hameed 10-27-17

Opening

As-salāmu ʿalaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh

All praise be to Allah, our Creator, Sustainer and Cherisher. We bear witness there is no deity worthy of worship except Allah. And we bear witness that Muhammad is His servant and Messenger. We ask Allah to bestow His blessings, peace and mercy upon His Beloved Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, His household, His companions and all of His followers till the end of time.

My dear respected brothers and sisters, be God-conscious and fear Allah. Do know Allah has warned you in the Quran by saying: O people, fear Allah and be prepared for a day when no parents would suffice for their children nor a child would suffice for their parents. Do know that the promise of Allah is the truth and do not be fooled by this world and do not be fooled by the Shaytan.

The Divine Institution of Marriage

My dear respected brothers and sisters, in the famous beautiful verse in Surah Ar-Rum, Allah says:

Allah in this beautiful verse says that indeed one of His great signs for humanity, for people of mind to ponder upon, is that He created for you from amongst you, from your own soul, spouses so you can find tranquility in them, and then He bonded you with the bond of love and mercy. Indeed in that there are signs for people of solid minds.

This is the sunnah of the prophets. This is the sunnah that Allah has decreed for humanity for the succession of generations. As a matter of fact, one of the top five goals of our sharia is maintaining the generations, maintaining the progeny, maintaining the people who would declare the tawheed to Allah throughout history by marriage and by maintaining the family structure.

This is why Allah again said He has made it a great sign of His control, of His favor over His people and of His majesty over this universe. This marriage that Allah has prescribed and decreed as a law of this universe for humanity has meant to be based on tranquility, love and mercy.

The Prophet's Example

In previous khutbas we have shown how the Prophet ﷺ lived this example, how he set the perfect model of what a family should be and what a marriage should be like by showing the best of conduct ﷺ, by being the kindest to his family, to his wives, to his children, by being forgiving and pardoning even when he was wronged ﷺ.

He said in the beautiful hadith: خيركم خيركم لأهله وأنا خيركم لأهلي - "The best of you is indeed the one who is best to his own family, his wife, his children, and I am the best to his family."

Again the Prophet ﷺ has emphasized on that relationship with the wife in particular because she is the one who is vulnerable. A person would feel the liberty to do with his wife and express his emotions and all what he wants to do what he wouldn't say to his co-worker or to his classmate or to his neighbor. Those barriers that Allah has lifted between the spouses that was meant to establish the tranquility.

The Crisis of Domestic Violence

Unfortunately for some people, the life of marriage, the life of family becomes mundane, becomes monotonous, and it loses its noble goal that Allah has decreed it for in the first place. In an environment that has been plagued with deviation from the path of the Prophet ﷺ, an environment, a culture that has been infested with all sorts of ailments - social, economic, political, personal at all levels - these ailments have found their ways to the Muslim families.

What you could read about domestic violence in other communities, now you can see them on a daily basis in Muslim families. We have women, Muslim women now who are seeking shelter outside their houses. We're having children who are abandoning their own families and seek refuge somewhere else.

This month, the month of October ending in few days as you know, has been declared the month to raise awareness about domestic violence. In the previous times there was no need to speak about this issue on the minbar of the Prophet ﷺ because it was thought that as Muslims it's taken for granted - we're far away from these diseases. How could you imagine a Muslim who's been addressed by the Prophet ﷺ that "the best of you is the best for his families" - how would you imagine that person even to have that thought of abusing the spouse or the children? That is or should be unheard of.

Unfortunately that is not the case, and we feel that these issues have to be addressed intensively.

Understanding Domestic Violence

When we talk about domestic violence, it's not about just mentioning numbers and stats and what happens in the community that surrounds us. It's about you more than anyone else. It's about how you would maintain a happy marriage, sincere marriage that Allah would accept from you, a marriage that you would be proud when you meet the Prophet ﷺ that you have lived it the way he expected you to.

When you look at what happens in the early years of marriage, people are bonded emotionally, they have that mutual love. Then as time passes by, as the children are born, as responsibilities and burdens of this life aggregate on the shoulders of the spouses, the attention is shifted. The children become the focus, the career becomes the focus, other social issues become focus. That's when the relationship between the spouses strain and take a curve that could be unpleasant.

For the spouses who believe that each would be the source of tranquility, the source of love and the mutual mercy, when that focus is shifted, the other spouse becomes a source of stress. With the increasing burdens of social life, economic strain, a person would find the only outlet for their stresses, for their depression, is just a maladaptive behavior - abusing the other spouse or abusing the children, which would take so many forms: verbal, emotional, financial, physical, spiritual even.

For a lot of people, when you talk about domestic violence - that we have 20 million victims in this country annually who are reported to be victims of some sort of domestic violence - we talk about it like something happening far away. But when you examine what is meant by domestic violence, you might be practicing it without you knowing: intimidating a spouse, calling them by names, isolating them, discrediting them for the job they have done, attributing failure to them, minimizing their accomplishments, not recognizing what they're doing - that's part of violence, that's part of abuse that has plagued so many people.

The physical aspect of it is only one part of it that a Muslim better not do because that's an utter violation of the sunnah of the Prophet. When he was described by his wife Aisha, that the Prophet has never used his hand to hit or to beat a wife or a servant. He only used it to hit only for the sake of Allah, for the jihad of Allah.

So if we think we're far away from that area of domestic violence, the physical aspect of it, you could be practicing the other aspects - the emotional part, the economic part, and the verbal, which is unfortunately something common in so many cultures and accepted. But it is not accepted in the Islamic law, it is not accepted in the sunnah of the Prophet, even when the culture approves it and accepts it.

Practical Solutions for a Happy Marriage

First: Maintain Sincerity to Allah

The first advice, my brothers and sisters, if you want to live a happy marriage and meet Allah when you're proud of that marriage, is to maintain the sincerity of that marriage - that it is only for Allah. You've only been coupled with a spouse to seek the pleasure of Allah.

When you do it for a material gain, for an emotional gain, for children, to build a household together, that is okay, but it has to be preceded - you're only doing this for Allah. If you forget that important goal and when your focus shifts, that's when the problems come.

"Whoever makes the hereafter his goal, then Allah will put his wealth in his heart and would reconvene his life for him - his family, his career, everything together."

"And whoever makes this life, this world his primary goal, then Allah would show him his poverty in front of his eyes even when he is wealthy in terms of numbers and in terms of assets, and then Allah would scatter his life apart, would rip it apart - his family, his wife, his children, everything."

Make sure that it is Allah that you seek in every matter you do and in every aspect of life you engage in. For that to happen, my brothers and sisters, because everyone says "well I'm doing it for Allah," the practical advice is that you always do some sort of activity with your wife - worshipping activity with your wife for the sake of Allah.

Make it a weekly practice that you sit with your wife once a week reading Quran. We're gonna do this just like we have our quality times for food, for children, for entertainment, for other marital affairs. Make something to bond you with your spouse for Allah - 15 minutes reading the Quran, 15 minutes reading the Hadith of the Prophet, a few minutes just to sit and saying أستغفر الله or لا إله إلا الله or any other sort of dhikr.

When you do that, that wallahi would be the key for your happiness, and you would see the blessings and the barakah of Allah would surround you only for these few minutes. Allah says whenever people gather to remember him, Allah would send them the angels, tranquility, mercy. How about if you're doing this with your spouse?

Wallahi my brothers and sisters, whenever we're counseled on an issue between a husband and wife, the first question I ask them: do you do anything together to worship Allah? And almost invariably, always the case is not. That's why Allah takes the barakah away and the shaytan is what you're resorting to in order to rectify your life, in order to rectify your marriage, in order to avoid becoming a victim of practicing domestic abuse and violence or being a victim of it. This is how you start - by maintaining that bond that Allah coupled you with your spouse on a nourishment of the dhikr of Allah, even for half hour a week.

Second: Control Your Anger

The second tip, my brothers and sisters, is the predisposition for practicing or being a victim of domestic abuse and violence could result from so many issues that, whether we admit to it or not, whether we know it or not, it is there. That could be anger, and the Prophet ﷺ gave the beautiful advice in two words: لا تغضب - "Do not get angry," meaning before it happens, or if it happens, do not allow it to manifest in a wrong way.

A lot of people are embarrassed to admit that they have anger problems - either spouse - and that could be devastating to their life. The advice, my brothers and sisters: it is okay, even if you don't have that problem. Preemptively go online and take a course on how you handle your own anger or how you handle your spouse's anger. There are online courses that are affordable, some specifically for men, some specifically for women, and that would give you a lot of skills that could be the key to happiness and survival in your life for the rest of your life inshallah.

Third: Address Underlying Issues

The third thing: a lot of people might have that inclination for anger or for disputes that would come later because of some underlying problems. Some people could be depressed, some people could be having some anxiety issues, and instead of treating it the right way, people find a way to channel it out of their system by being aggressive and abusive to the other spouse.

Seek mental care, seek mental counseling. It is okay, that's part of the diseases. The Prophet ﷺ said:

"There is not a single ailment but Allah has prescribed remedy for it." Part of it are the mental illnesses. Although many cultures have made it as a stigma, you have alhamdulillah the access for the right care, being in the right environment. Do not minimize the importance of it and pursue it, because otherwise it could be a reason to destroy your marriage. If you don't do it, that could be destruction for that bond.

Fourth: Seek Immediate Counseling

The fourth thing, my brothers and sisters: when there is a problem between the spouses, try to seek counseling immediately. Don't let it go for one month and two months and three years and seven years, and before you know it we're coming to the Sheikh to counsel on how we process the divorce. Don't allow it to be dwelling that far.

Seek marriage counseling and seek advice immediately. This is what Allah has asked - to have a party representing the women, a party representing the men, not to end the marriage. If they seek that reconciliation sincerely, Allah would allow it to happen. That has to be done as soon as possible, not allowing it to be complicated when it becomes hopeless and divorce becomes the only remedy.

I ask Allah to bless our households, all the spouses, all the children, and preserve all the Muslim generations.

I say this and I ask Allah forgiveness for you and me and for those who ask forgiveness. I ask Allah forgiveness, I ask Allah forgiveness.

Second Khutbah

Alhamdulillahi rabbil alameen. All praise be to Allah, good, blessed as our Lord loves and is pleased with. I bear witness that there is no god but Allah alone, there is no partner for Him, and I bear witness that Muhammad is His servant and Messenger.

Parenting Without Violence

My dear respected brothers and sisters, what we've mentioned about the relationship when it's right or wrong between the spouses applies also to that relationship between the parents and their children. Allah has entrusted you as a mother, as a father, to take care of these children. Allah has mentioned:

"Protect yourselves, protect your families" - that's your children, your spouse - "from the undesired outcome that is the hellfire." Allah expects you to do that.

That could go unfortunately in the wrong direction, and some people find the only way to discipline their children again by intimidation, by corporal punishment, and that is not the sunnah of the Prophet. Do remember that a smile and a kind word could do way more than spanking or slapping on the face or intimidation or harsh words. These are scars in the soul of the spouse or the child that would never heal for good. A smile and a kind word would go much further than what you think is necessary discipline.

Perspective on Life's Trials

If you have challenges in your life, I'm gonna leave you with one last example which we've mentioned before, and always reassure yourself inshallah:

No matter how wrong or horrible your wife is, she cannot be more horrible than the wife of Lut - that's a test from Allah. No matter how bad your son or child is, they cannot be more deviant and wrong than the son of Nuh alayhi salam. And no matter how your husband is horrible, they cannot be more tyrant than the husband of Asiyah - that's Fir'awn.

If you're having any problems or calamities, know that nothing that you've been through but the Prophet alayhi salam has been through - being forced out his hometown, having his children dying one after another, having ailments and everything - and yet he was patient. You be patient with Allah, and Allah will compensate you for this in this dunya and in this akhira.

Closing Du'a

And establish the prayer.