Removing the Silence on Domestic Violence

Removing the Silence on Domestic Violence

Opening Prayers and Praises

(بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَٰنِ الرَّحِيمِ - bismillahir-rahmanir-rahim)

Bismillah ar-Rahman ar-Raheem. Allahumma salli wa sallim wa baraka ala Sayyidina Muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi wa sallim tasliman kathira wa la hawla wa la quwwata illa billahi al-aliyyi al-azim.

The Divine Purpose of Marriage

Alhamdulillah, Allah in the Quran says:

"And from amongst His signs is that He created for you from amongst yourselves mates, in order that you might find tranquility in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought."

From amongst His signs, He created from amongst you mates, li taskunu ilayha, in order that you might find sakinah or tranquility in that relationship between a male and a female, wa ja'ala baynakum muwaddatan warahma, and He puts amongst you muwaddah and rahma.

The Meaning of Muwaddah

Muwaddah is a specific type of love in the Arabic language. The Arabs have many words for love - there are over 10 types of love that the linguists identified in the Arabic language - but muwaddah is a specific type of love. Al-Wadood is one of the names of God. It's a love that is not conditioned; it's an unconditional type of love that somebody shows to another person.

The Prophet ﷺ said: (تَزَوَّجُوا الْوَدُودَ الْوَلُودَ - tazawwaju al-waduda al-waluda) "Marry fertile, loving mates" - al-wadood. So muwaddah is different from ishq, which is erotic love. It's different from mahabba even. Muwaddah is a wudd, it's something that God promises to put amongst the believers. It's wudd, it's a very specific type of love.

Reflection on Divine Signs

So Allah says that He created mates in order that you find tranquility and in order that you also express this muwaddah and this rahma, mercy. And then He says: (إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ - inna fi dhalika la ayatin liqawmin yatafakkaroon) "In this are signs for people who reflect deeply" - yatafakkaroon.

In the Arabic language, tafaa'ul in Arabic means to struggle with something. Tafaa'ul in Arabic - yatakallaf, yatahammal, yatasabbar - it's where you struggle with something. When an Arab says tahammala, it means he

bore it but with difficulty. So when it says (إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ - inna fi dhalika la ayatin liqawmin yatafakkaroon) it's for people who think deeply, who ponder, who ponder the meanings of things.

The Home as a Place of Tranquility

So Allah says in this verse that He created amongst us pairs and He did that in order that we get this tranquility.

Now in Arabic, the word for home or the domicile is maskan - that's one of the words. The Arabs say bayt, bayt, al-yabit bayatan, it means to spend the night, so the bayt is the place you spend the night. Daar, from daara tadooroo, it's a place where you are moving about, it's a place where you do your things. But maskan is a very specific type of word in Arabic because the Quran says: (مَسَاكِنَ تَرْضَوْنَهَا - masakin tardawnaha) "You have houses that you enjoy, that you're pleased with" - there's a rida, there's contentment.

So maskan in the Arabic language is called ism makan - it's the place of sakina, it's the place that you find sakana. Sakana is the opposite of haraka, it's a stillness, it's a place you find stillness or tranquility. So the domicile in the Arabic language is the place for sakina, it's the place you're meant to find tranquility.

Violence as a Human Problem

Now one of the major problems that human beings suffer from is violence. This is a human problem. You find it in every part of the world. You even find it in the animal kingdom. Biologists and people that study animals, zoologists, used to think that wars were specific to humans, that animals didn't really have wars - they fought, they were violent, but they didn't have wars. But then they discovered that there are actually animals out there, species of biological life that have wars. Ants - there are types of ants that have wars, they take slaves. So war is part of the natural order of things, violence.

Civilization and the Regulation of Violence

Now civilization attempts to regulate violence. That's why you have laws. You have international laws. The Muslims called it Siyar. In fact, in a book called The History of Bombing, which is a history of using aerial warfare, the scholar that wrote that book said the first person to actually put down a system of international laws regarding warfare between nations was Abu Hanifa - a non-Muslim scholar who said the first person to regulate or to attempt to regulate warfare was Abu Hanifa. But we know it was the Prophet, because that's where Abu Hanifa got his ideas from.

So civilization attempts to regulate violence because it knows that humans are going to become violent, but you have to do something with the violence. So how do you regulate violence? So there are laws, you have coercive laws. Every government uses violence. A policeman carries a gun. Why? Because he's ready to use it to prevent harm. So violence is used to prevent harm in a civilized environment. In an uncivilized or barbaric environment, it's used to inflict harm, and this is the difference between the civilized and the uncivilized. The civilized will resort to violence to prevent harm or to stop harm, and the barbaric will resort to violence as a means of achieving their ends.

The Purpose of Marriage Beyond Procreation

Now when you have a domestic situation, the purpose that human beings come together cannot be reduced to one purpose. There's nothing that says, for instance, that the purpose of marriage is procreation, even though you'll find that - I think it's a misguided statement - in books on Islam, because that is not the primary purpose. The primary purpose is actually to protect yourself by finding a tranquility in another person so that you don't become bestial. So it's actually a civilizing force. Marriage is part of the civilizing process. It's the way people become more human. It civilizes human beings when they enter into a marital contract, and that's why when children are brought into the world, both partners accept responsibility for those children.

Men as Maintainers

Now generally the male accepts the responsibility of maintenance, and this is why in the Quran it says:

(4:34 Quran) الرِّجَالُ قَوَّامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ

"Men are maintainers of women."

Ibn Ashur, the great Muslim scholar from Tunisia - probably I think the most significant scholar of the 20th century, but that's obviously debatable - Ibn Ashur in his tafsir says that this verse does not mean that all men take care of all women, but this is the norm, and the Quran speaks to people based on norms. There are women who take care of men, and we witness that every day. There are men who get sick and wives who will work to support their husbands for whatever reasons. You have deadbeat dads. You have husbands that don't work and the woman goes out and works.

A woman came to the Prophet and said to the Prophet, "What do you say about a woman who supports her husband?" He said, "She has two rewards: the reward of maintenance and then the reward of charity, because it's not an obligation for her."

So even at the time of the Prophet, there were women who supported their husbands. We also know that Khadija was an independent merchant. The Prophet's wife was an independent merchant. We know that about her. She actually supported the Prophet, even though he earned his livelihood - he worked for her, but she was the one who was hiring him. So you have these situations.

The Spiritual Dimension of Marriage

Now in a domestic environment, the purpose of a domestic environment is in order for the human project to come to fruition. Now there are many dimensions to the human project, but the single and primary dimension is the spiritual dimension according to our belief. So part of the reason for marriage is that you take a partner in order for the two of you to work towards that goal of becoming pleasing to your Lord. And that's why there are many hadiths that Allah loves marriage. Allah loves people coming together. Allah loves that families are built. Allah loves to see a man exhausted at the end of the day who's earning livelihood to support his family.

The Prophet ﷺ said that the real jihad is supporting your family. He said the one who supports his parent or his child, that that is jihad - struggling in the way of Allah. Now that is the primary purpose, and then there's also the companionship that you need. Live with them in the best way with the women that you take as mates. Live with them with ma'ruf, with what's good, what's known. And then there's also children, which is one of the great blessings of coming together - family. It extends, you have grandchildren, hafadah. The Arabs call the grandfather jedd and jeddah, grandmother - meaning wealthy, duljedd. Also you jedded - it renews their lineage.

When Things Go Wrong in Marriage

So what happens then when things go wrong? What happens when things go wrong in a family? There are times when the family goes wrong. Allah says in the Quran that He created you in pairs in order that you might live together harmoniously. But Allah says things can go wrong, because He says:

"If a woman fears some type of harm from her husband or neglect, then there's no sin on them to try to work out some amicable situation." And Allah says to work things out, to come to some type of resolution is a good thing - وَالصُّلْحُ خَيْرٌ "but reconciliation is best" - وَأُحْضِرَتِ الْأَنفُسُ الشُّحَّ "but greed, avarice, covetousness is part of human nature," so there's a warning in there.

وَإِن تُحْسِنُوا وَتَتَّقُوا فَإِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ خَبِيرًا

"But if you have ihsan and if you have taqwa, if you are pious of God, God knows what you're doing and will reward you."

So right there in the verse it tells you that it's good to come to some amicable agreement, but beware of your own human nature. أَلَا يَعْلَمُ مَنْ خَلَقَ "Doesn't He know, the One who created?" (Quran 67:14). And this is why in marriage relations, when one wants to get out of the marriage often, suddenly somebody gets covetous. He doesn't want anybody to have that person that he had. He thinks it's a possession of his. This is what happens. This is what the Quran is warning us about.

The Option of Separation

And Allah says later in that same section, He says:

"And if they should separate, God will enrich each one of them from His bounty." That sometimes it's necessary to divorce. This is part of human nature.

The Prohibition of Oppression

But the one thing that God does not allow is oppression.

(يَا عِبَادِي إِنِّي حَرَّمْتُ الظُّلْمَ عَلَى نَفْسِي وَجَعَلْتُهُ بَيْنَكُمْ مُحَرَّمًا فَلَا تَظَالَمُوا - Ya 'ibadi inni harramtu al-dhulma 'ala nafsi wa ja'altuhu baynakum muharraman fala tazalamu) (Hadith Qudsi - Sahih Muslim 2577)

"O My servants, I have prohibited oppression upon Myself and have made it prohibited amongst you, so do not oppress one another."

Out of His bounty, God can do whatever He pleases. "I have prohibited oppression from My own self, and I have made it prohibited amongst you, so do not oppress one another."

How many Pharaohs are there, and how many Asiyas are there? Asiya is the wife of Pharaoh, living in a domestic violent situation. Pharaoh is a tyrant. He thinks he's God. There's men who think they're God - like majazi khuda. You know in Urdu, majazi khuda - it means like majazi is majaz in Arabic, is like metaphorical, khuda is God. The husband becomes like a god. Where is that? That's not Islam. What is that? That's not Islam. It has nothing to do with Islam. It's Jahiliyya. It's patriarchal Jahiliyya. It's from a previous generation that still has to remove itself from humanity.

The Problem of Domestic Violence

So this is a major problem that we have on the globe: domestic violence. Now unfortunately, if a Christian beats his wife up, it's not Christian violence. If a Jew beats his wife up - and from what the statistics show that doesn't happen very often - but if they do, it's not Jewish violence. If a Hindu beats his wife up, it's not Hindu violence. But if a Muslim should do something to his wife, suddenly it has something to do with the religion of Islam. It has something to do with the religion of Islam, those Muslims. "What's wrong with that religion? It teaches people to be violent. Even the Quran - look at the Quran - it encourages domestic violence!" And then they pull out the verse.

Understanding the Quran Properly

First of all, before you can even understand the Quran, you have to give 20 years of your life to study. 20 years of your life to study. I'm not making this up. You read the conditions of tafsir. There are 12 knowledges that you have to master before you can comment on the Quran. That's the first thing.

So people pick out verses, even translations. There's translations in the Quran, verse 34. It says that if you fear some kind of disobedience from your wives - it says "if you fear" - that's not what it means. That's not what it means in Arabic. All of the mufasirun are in agreement that it means if a woman has entered into a state of gross disobedience, and this doesn't mean disobedience to your husband - disobedience to God.

The Three Steps in Addressing Nushuz

Then the husband is told: first to do wa'z - to admonish them, to tell them, "Please don't do this." And then it says (وَاهْجُرُوهُنَّ فِي الْمَضَاجِعِ - wahjuruhunna fil-madaji) "Then leave them in the beds" - don't have intimacy with them.

The Multiple Meanings of Darb

Words in Arabic have many, many meanings. The word darb in Arabic has several meanings. For instance, in the Quran, Allah says:

About Ibrahim alayhi salam, "He went to the idols and struck them with his right hand." That's what it says.

The Quran also says:

"They strike the earth" - in other words, they travel.

The Quran says:

"They suffered humiliation and impoverishment" - duribat. It doesn't mean that humiliation and poverty started beating them up, but they were knocked down by it, so it's used metaphorically.

The Quran says that the angels:

The hypocrites - "They get their faces, they smite their faces and their backs."

But it also says:

"God strikes a similitude" - it's used as a metaphor.

So in Arabic, this word can mean many, many different things.

The True Meaning of the Verse

So what does it mean in the verse? Well, first of all, you have to understand the verse. According to Ibn Ashur, it was actually designed to eliminate domestic violence. And that is why the great irony is it's used to justify domestic violence, because nobody - and anybody that tells you violence against your own spouse is justifiable

in Islam is not only a liar, but he's absolutely disparaging the Messenger of Allah, who was sent as a mercy to all the world, and certainly a mercy to women.

So to say that this means that you can beat your wife, that you can be violent in your own home - a place where she should feel safer than any other place - how could that have anything to do with:

"We only sent you as a mercy to all the world"?

How can that have anything to do with a man about whom his companion said:

(Sahih Muslim 2328)

"The Messenger of Allah never struck a woman, a child, or a servant ever"? ﷺ

"You have in the Messenger of Allah the best example." You have in the Messenger of Allah the best example.

The Progressive Nature of the Verse

So what does that verse mean? First of all, the ulama say the "wa" there, which normally does not benefit the tartib - in other words, that it actually means you do this, then you do this, then you do this. First of all, I guarantee you, nobody has ever hit their wife working out some progressive - "Well, first I'll try this, and then I'll try this, and then I'll try that." That's not how domestic violence occurs. Domestic violence occurs when somebody loses his temper and punches somebody. That's domestic violence. So the first thing the Quran is telling you: stop and think about this. That will stop domestic violence.

Alternative Interpretations

Now in that verse, according to Ata, one of the greatest mufassir of the Quran, he said it doesn't mean hit - he said it means get angry. In other words, once you've gone through this, then you should let her know this is serious. Because the nushuz, according to the commentators, nushuz - that means nashazat - to rise up against. It means to get arrogant with.

So if a wife is becoming arrogant with a husband, or vice versa - because the Quran says that a husband can become arrogant with the wife, it goes both ways - if the wife becomes arrogant with the husband, then the husband is told: do this, then this, then this. According to Ata, he said that that third one was: then you have to let her know.

Seeking Arbitration

But what does it say immediately after that? It says that if you fear:

"If you fear separation" - who's the "you"? The people that are responsible. Bring an arbitrator from her side, an arbitrator from his side, and let them work this out. And then Allah says:

"And if the two sides want to rectify, God will give them tawfiq" - God will give them providential care, will help them rectify. But if one side doesn't, separate them. Separate them, let them go.

The Quran says:

"Hold on to them in a good way or let them go in a good way, but don't leave them suspended" - وَلَا تُمْسِكُوهُنَّ ضِرَارًا

This is a major problem, not just in our community, in all communities. If you read the statistics about domestic violence, it's deeply depressing.

Personal Testimony

Now most of you in here - and I'm assuming the ladies also - probably have very nice marital relationships. That's the way my household has been. My wife and I don't fight. We've been married 22 years. She's never struck me. I've never struck her. Never, not once. It doesn't have to be the way things are. But if people are in a situation where they can't get along, they have to let go. This is Islam. Islam is a mercy.

We've got all these people out there just really suffering, like they're in hell, and some people making religion a hell for the women. Wallahi, we have imams on the minbars preaching this stuff. I've heard preachers say, "Leave all the nisa..." (لَا تَضْرِبُوا إِمَاءَ اللَّهِ - "that's not enough!")

Well, I've heard people say, "Oh, there's some women, the only thing that benefits is striking." First of all, it's makruh to even do the tap. But the Prophet ﷺ said:

(Sahih Muslim 1218)

Why doesn't anybody ever translate that word or explain what people mean? They say it means to be - ghayr mubarrih is to do harm, to be violent, or to do it out of anger. That's what it means. So even to do that, like to a child, just like a slap - in Arabic, when you do tayammum, it's called darb. (ضَرْبَةً لِلْوَجْهِ وَضَرْبَةً لِلْكَفَّيْنِ - right? This is what they teach in the books of fiqh. You tap the earth like this. That's a darb.

The Reality of Jahiliyya

But to say that you can strike a woman physically and harm her, leave some trace on her - that's not Islam. It's

Jahiliyya. It's Jahiliyya. And there's people that do these things, and these poor women have to suffer the humiliation.

Even Ibn Ashur in his tafsir says - and I believe this - he says it is absolutely acceptable for the authorities in charge to prescribe a punishment, to prescribe a punishment for any act of domestic violence. And he says when men are no longer vigilant about controlling themselves, when they use this verse as a means to express their anger, their rage, and their vengeance on a woman, then he says it's the time for the authorities to come in.

The Right to Seek Help

And that's why any woman who's suffering domestic abuse has every right to go to the proper authority. If the Muslims won't help her, then she can go to the police or anybody else, because nobody - nobody walking on two feet, not even an animal on four feet or crawling on the earth - should ever be humiliated, should ever be tortured, should ever be struck violently.

Conclusion: Mutual Protection

This is a major problem in our community. We need to think deeply.

"The believing men and women protect one another." Protect one another - that's what wilaya is. You protect each other. That's the believing men and believing women.